Should a girl's parents, siblings intervene in her married life?

[Savak]

Neither of them said anything amounting to have kids to save your marriage. Mamoon remarked that kids create an ever lasting bond b.w couples even if they get divorced.

What was the purpose of opening this thread and share very personal information about your family? To seek counsel from others? to vent?

Why would you want an ever lasting bond with someone you have zero compatibility with? More importantly why would you want kids with such a person and put them through the trauma? It was an absurd ignorant suggestion commonly given by out dated buzurgs

The purpose was to seek consensus on the issue, barring a few empathetic individuals, some who are deliberately influenced by their bias against me from other threads, vast majority have rightfully suggested the situation needs to be urgently addressed and even the worst case scenario option to be exercised.

And yes i am venting too, my ego is hurt, i cannot believe some one has blatantly taken us for a ride and fooled us and i seriously want to hurt this guy bad for putting my sister through this trauma, a trauma that sticks with you forever

 

[mgtow]

mgtow has been stalking me for a while. He derailed this thread by bringing in the man child stuff unnecessarily.

I have already clarified i am not doing anything, letting my parents deal with it and speaking regularly to her to keep her relaxed, calm, composed during this process. So lol, what exactly have i not listened too?

What? I am already casted as villain for being well wisher. That also explains the character assassination on your brother in law. You are ungrateful. You are so unappreciative that you are willing to throw anyone under the bus just as you just did with me right after you threw your brother in law. I am beginning to think that the problem is you and your sister in law as it makes sense why 3 months honeymoon period is ended too early.

As for kids, they are best thing ever happened to us and strengthened our relationship which at one point was heading to nowhere. Children are the reason that marriage are blossomed but in your and your sister’s case, forget it.

I still maintain that your sister takes sensible approach since she doesn’t like your brother in law which is bonus points despite being miserable there. If you think life is honeymoon, then divorce should proceed so your brother in law can move on and get the woman that is obedient, patient and kind unlike you and your sister. No offence!!!

 

[mgtow]

What? I am already casted as villain for being well wisher. That also explains the character assassination on your brother in law. You are ungrateful. You are so unappreciative that you are willing to throw anyone under the bus just as you just did with me right after you threw your brother under the bus. I am beginning to think that the problem is you and your sister as it makes sense why 3 months honeymoon period is ended too early.

As for kids, they are best thing ever happened to us and strengthened our relationship which at one point was heading to nowhere. Children are the reason that marriage are blossomed but in your and your sister’s case, forget it.

I still maintain that your sister takes sensible approach since she likes your brother in law which is bonus points despite being miserable there. If you think life is honeymoon, then divorce should proceed so your brother in law can move on and get the real woman that is obedient, patient and kind who can appreciate him unlike you and your sister. No offence!!!

Correction!!!

Edition reason: stupid iPhone

 

[Rana]

This is an insane thread tbh

It’s becoming a weird character assumption/assassination of people who are in our imagination.

 

[Savak]

What? I am already casted as villain for being well wisher. That also explains the character assassination on your brother in law. You are ungrateful. You are so unappreciative that you are willing to throw anyone under the bus just as you just did with me right after you threw your brother in law. I am beginning to think that the problem is you and your sister in law as it makes sense why 3 months honeymoon period is ended too early.

As for kids, they are best thing ever happened to us and strengthened our relationship which at one point was heading to nowhere. Children are the reason that marriage are blossomed but in your and your sister’s case, forget it.

I still maintain that your sister takes sensible approach since she doesn’t like your brother in law which is bonus points despite being miserable there. If you think life is honeymoon, then divorce should proceed so your brother in law can move on and get the woman that is obedient, patient and kind unlike you and your sister. No offence!!!

Well wishers don't indulge in name calling such as man child but feel free to character assassinate me as much as you want but don't say anything about my sister, the 3 month honeymoon period was not a honeymoon period

Speak for yourself with regards to kids but I can give you a million examples where bringing in kids made an already disasterous union worse.

My BIL will only get patience and kindness from any girl in the future if he exhibits the same. Takes two to tango

 

[Tera Gawaandi]

He doesn't love your sister, no point threatening him or putting fear in him. I would not recommend to stay in a loveless marriage. He may have his own shortcomings (you are a guy, you know the psyche) that's why he is emotionally abusing your sister. He is frustrated with himself.

I would not blame guy's parents or brother, they have to defend their son, even if he is in wrong, desi mentality.

Your sister should leave him, but be ready for baseless accusations on your sister as it's norm for Desi's.

They are literally training and moulding your sister, women find it very tough to leave such abusers as women see a ray of hope and expect to change guy, which is futile. Every girl thinks I am special and I can change the guy.

I feel sorry for guy as well, no person in his right mind wants such life, he needs help.

 

[Savak]

He doesn't love your sister, no point threatening him or putting fear in him. I would not recommend to stay in a loveless marriage. He may have his own shortcomings (you are a guy, you know the psyche) that's why he is emotionally abusing your sister. He is frustrated with himself.

I would not blame guy's parents or brother, they have to defend their son, even if he is in wrong, desi mentality.

Your sister should leave him, but be ready for baseless accusations on your sister as it's norm for Desi's.

They are literally training and moulding your sister, women find it very tough to leave such abusers as women see a ray of hope and expect to change guy, which is futile. Every girl thinks I am special and I can change the guy.

I feel sorry for guy as well, no person in his right mind wants such life, he needs help.

You can already see examples of this in this thread where two posters in particular have already made claims she is immature for potentially wanting to leave him 3 months into the marriage and another claiming she is disobedient, impatient which is why the husband should leave her.

 

[globalcitizen]

Hey my friend, it’s fine to reach out to people you are close to personally on this, but I guess it not cool to put it out on the forum.
It’s a open book and sharing this many details and patterns might land you or your sister in trouble. Yes chances are minimal but can happen.

Anyway I went through your post in detail and expressing my thoughts on this

2 things to notice here. It was your family that entrusted the trust on other family so you need to give some time to assess them better.

If your concern is that your sister is really having a hell of time, then why don’t you or your parents request to stay with the in laws for some time. If there is a strong denial that may be warning signals. It’s very common these days parents staying in in-laws place at a foreign country:

I know you are close to your sister but your bro in law is also part of family now. So start active conversations generally and you might get rid of some apprehensions about him. It may be just the distance between you all creating doubts in mind. It’s a modern world and a video call is at your immediate service.

Do not take any hasty decision since this seems to be normal in most homes. Give some more time and let things heal on it’s own.

Good luck to you all

 

[Salma_T]

An arranged marriage where the overseas Pakistani married not only a Pakistani but a dr! I think many parents get blinder by perspective rishtas I would always be very weary of marrying my child to an overseas person (in the arranged manner totally different if it is their choice).

Always be careful.....if your sister can handle it she is 25 not 18 therefore should be mature enough to discuss and decide the next step. Give her the freedom to make her choice but sow the seed it is her life and if not happy end it now

 

[nitrous]

Another option, if the OP thinks divorce is the only solution, maybe his BIL and his sister can try out marriage/couple counseling.

Like that, it’s gives them chance to work on their marriage issues with an unbiased view and iron out any issues, which right now seems like is causing everyone a headache.

No one has even bothered asking here, how is the mother of the BIL doing? Is it possible that she is rude to her MIL or whatever it may be, causing the husband to lash out at her?

Is it possible that he may have asked her that since he is the primary care giver to his mother , and that now OP’s sister is his wife, he expects her to look after his mom, to which she may have agreed and isn’t doing so?

It could be a number of other reasons, no one knows.

As I said, we are only hearing one side of the story. A clap happens with two hands, not just one.

 

[mgtow]

Well wishers don't indulge in name calling such as man child but feel free to character assassinate me as much as you want but don't say anything about my sister, the 3 month honeymoon period was not a honeymoon period

Speak for yourself with regards to kids but I can give you a million examples where bringing in kids made an already disasterous union worse.

My BIL will only get patience and kindness from any girl in the future if he exhibits the same. Takes two to tango

Man child is definition of man behaving like child. It is clean and self explanatory with intention to educate. But of course, you and your wild scenarios never stop, do they?

You may give million examples as they probably exist in imaginary world just to suit your debate here. I have done my diligence and I am moving on. All the best with your life......

 

[mgtow]

I will bump this thread to show everyone what an awesome time I am having

Of course you will as offstump perfectly illustrates why.

How many months after getting married will Savak start a thread like this about himself?

“Hey guys, so it’s been 3 months since I married a girl who looks just like Sana Javed but things aren’t exactly how they appear. She doesn’t want to cook for me everyday and it’s taking a toll on me. My mamu is saying I should get a divorce but my dad wants be to tough it out. And I don’t want to hear anything about compromise, as the man of the house I need to put my wife in her place otherwise she’ll walk over me for the rest of my life. Truth be told, I’ve started to lose interest in my wife because she isn’t keeping up with her makeup and I just randomly started looking at other potential girls online just for fun. I’ve found one that is only 8 years younger than me and resembles the actress Aiza Khan.”

 

[Savak]

Another option, if the OP thinks divorce is the only solution, maybe his BIL and his sister can try out marriage/couple counseling.

Like that, it’s gives them chance to work on their marriage issues with an unbiased view and iron out any issues, which right now seems like is causing everyone a headache.

No one has even bothered asking here, how is the mother of the BIL doing? Is it possible that she is rude to her MIL or whatever it may be, causing the husband to lash out at her?

Is it possible that he may have asked her that since he is the primary care giver to his mother , and that now OP’s sister is his wife, he expects her to look after his mom, to which she may have agreed and isn’t doing so?

It could be a number of other reasons, no one knows.

As I said, we are only hearing one side of the story. A clap happens with two hands, not just one.

She's not doing well but that's no excuse for him to take his daily frustrations and belittle her 24/7 and to be a demanding husband who expects the same perfection from my sister as his mother provided him all his life. This is not what she signed up for, she has her whole life ahead of her and she deserves to be with someone who truly respects and loves her.

For the record my sister has accompanied her MIL to all her hospital visits as the rest of the household is busy with their jobs, schooling etc. She helps as much as she can in the kitchen only to be daily criticized for not being as good or efficient as the MIL.

The guys parents have been absolutely wonderful to her but it's the son/husband whose been the real pos with an overly inflated Pak American Doctor superiority complex. The more and more anecdotes I hear about his emotional abuse towards her, the more infuriated I get.

Full marks to his parents and him for pulling off a wonderful con job on us. Anyways like I said I trust my dad to do the right thing but my personal opinion is that my sister and this guy have too many compatibility issues, differences in temperament, what they want from their partners and they need to part ways for their own good

 

[Mamoon]

This is not an absolute rule. My bhabi demanded a divorce from my elder brother a year after they had twins after 7 years of marriage.

Your second point about them standing side by side with kids is a different issue which does not necessitate them being together married.

Having kids does not guarantee that the marriage will improve, but it certainly makes a considerable difference.

However, if you are certain that your marriage will not work and divorce is the only option, you should definitely not have kids because they will suffer the most because of the divorce.

Again, going by your one-sided presentation, it appears that your brother got played by your bhabi.

It sounds far-fetched that she was in a happy marriage for 7 years and suddenly decided to walk away after having babies, so it seems that she knew the marriage was doomed but she didn’t want him to get away with no responsibilities, so she talked him into having kids.

But more importantly, here is another thought. Your brother got divorced, your sister has reached breaking point and thinks divorce is the right option after 2-3 months, your deranged views on marriage are well-documented and your father is ready to pull the plug on his daughter’s marriage without encouraging and motivating her to work at her marriage and not give up after 2-3 months.

Now you will obviously say that like your sister, your brother was 100% faultless and it was all your evil bhabi’s fault. It is already obvious with the way you framed the sentence ”my bhabi demanded a divorce”.

I think you and your family need to engage in some serious introspection. What is it that always seems to get between your siblings and happy marriages?

If you get divorced once, you are probably unlucky. If you get divorced twice, you are probably incapable of sustaining a relationship. Similarly, if all (most) of your siblings are in unhappy marriages, then it seems like a family issue.

The introspection has to start with your father. I am sure he is loving and kind, but it is also important to show tough love at times.

His elder son got a divorce, his daughter is ready to give up after 3 months and the third one (you) is in his 30s with the maturity of someone who just hit puberty, cannot control his urges and wants a trophy wife. The first thing he said about his potential wife is that she looks like a tv star.

I think he needs to stand up and put his petulant and entitled children in their place, although I have to say it with regret that it is probably too late now, and that ship has sailed.

Again, I must reiterate that your mother is the only one in your family who is thinking straight, but she is being vetoed out by the foolhardiness and the immaturity of those around her.

 

[amvbfm]

Full marks to his parents and him for pulling off a wonderful con job on us.

This is your problem and why a few of us are saying that you aren't willing to accept neutral advice. You are blaming your brother in law and his family for everything just like you blame your bhabi for everything that went wrong in your brother's marriage. In most cases problems between couples aren't just the fault of one of them and they escalate when they refuse to communicate with each other and blame the other for everything. Bringing in family members also isn't very useful if the husband and wife themselves aren't prepared to iron out their differences.

All I am saying is that MAYBE your sister is also at fault in some way and is contributing to the problem. You said your BIL belittled her siblings. Maybe that was in response to something that she said and was said in the heat of the moment. So instead of putting all the blame on your brother in law you guys need to analyse the situation and counsel your sister accordingly.

Also I can't really see how they duped you. You guys knew everything about their financial background and yet you chose to accept them. According to you you have extensive sources to conduct "background checks" and those too were all clear so i really don't see how you were conned.

 

[Savak]

Having kids does not guarantee that the marriage will improve, but it certainly makes a considerable difference.

However, if you are certain that your marriage will not work and divorce is the only option, you should definitely not have kids because they will suffer the most because of the divorce.

Again, going by your one-sided presentation, it appears that your brother got played by your bhabi.

It sounds far-fetched that she was in a happy marriage for 7 years and suddenly decided to walk away after having babies, so it seems that she knew the marriage was doomed but she didn’t want him to get away with no responsibilities, so she talked him into having kids.

But more importantly, here is another thought. Your brother got divorced, your sister has reached breaking point and thinks divorce is the right option after 2-3 months, your deranged views on marriage are well-documented and your father is ready to pull the plug on his daughter’s marriage without encouraging and motivating her to work at her marriage and not give up after 2-3 months.

Now you will obviously say that like your sister, your brother was 100% faultless and it was all your evil bhabi’s fault. It is already obvious with the way you framed the sentence ”my bhabi demanded a divorce”.

I think you and your family need to engage in some serious introspection. What is it that always seems to get between your siblings and happy marriages?

If you get divorced once, you are probably unlucky. If you get divorced twice, you are probably incapable of sustaining a relationship. Similarly, if all (most) of your siblings are in unhappy marriages, then it seems like a family issue.

The introspection has to start with your father. I am sure he is loving and kind, but it is also important to show tough love at times.

His elder son got a divorce, his daughter is ready to give up after 3 months and the third one (you) is in his 30s with the maturity of someone who just hit puberty, cannot control his urges and wants a trophy wife. The first thing he said about his potential wife is that she looks like a tv star.

I think he needs to stand up and put his petulant and entitled children in their place, although I have to say it with regret that it is probably too late now, and that ship has sailed.

Again, I must reiterate that your mother is the only one in your family who is thinking straight, but she is being vetoed out by the foolhardiness and the immaturity of those around her.

Sorry, I should have clarified, my bhabi demanded divorce but both parents from hers and ours got together and mediated and resolved things, but those two weeks were extremely stressful especially for my mom who is already extremely unwell

 

[Savak]

This is your problem and why a few of us are saying that you aren't willing to accept neutral advice. You are blaming your brother in law and his family for everything just like you blame your bhabi for everything that went wrong in your brother's marriage. In most cases problems between couples aren't just the fault of one of them and they escalate when they refuse to communicate with each other and blame the other for everything. Bringing in family members also isn't very useful if the husband and wife themselves aren't prepared to iron out their differences.

All I am saying is that MAYBE your sister is also at fault in some way and is contributing to the problem. You said your BIL belittled her siblings. Maybe that was in response to something that she said and was said in the heat of the moment. So instead of putting all the blame on your brother in law you guys need to analyse the situation and counsel your sister accordingly.

Also I can't really see how they duped you. You guys knew everything about their financial background and yet you chose to accept them. According to you you have extensive sources to conduct "background checks" and those too were all clear so i really don't see how you were conned.

The only fault of my sister at this point is she did not turn out to be substitute he expected for his mom

 

[LongHorn]

All I am saying is that MAYBE your sister is also at fault in some way and is contributing to the problem. You said your BIL belittled her siblings. Maybe that was in response to something that she said and was said in the heat of the moment. So instead of putting all the blame on your brother in law you guys need to analyse the situation and counsel your sister accordingly.
.

Would you use the "maybe she did something wrong as well" reasoning in case of physical abuse as well?

I have seen families where after a spouse is battered, some people (from the offenders side) say "well, maybe she did something to provoke, we don't know why he beat her"

 

[amvbfm]

Would you use the "maybe she did something wrong as well" reasoning in case of physical abuse as well?

I have seen families where after a spouse is battered, some people (from the offenders side) say "well, maybe she did something to provoke, we don't know why he beat her"

That isn't the case here, is it? And physical abuse is a red-line that is not defensible in any case. Here I am not even talking about accepting unreasonable behavior on his part but about establishing the fact that she in some way (knowingly or unknowingly) isn't contributing to the friction. A major reason why domestic disputes and squabbles get out of hand in our culture is because families on both sides blindly accept the version of events given by their side instead of trying to apportion blame and then counselling both parties accordingly. Instead the "hamara beta/beti ghalat bol hi na sakta, sari ghalti doosray ki hai" only serves to escalate things.

 

[amvbfm]

The only fault of my sister at this point is she did not turn out to be substitute he expected for his mom

Understandable and I empathize with her if that is the real root of the problem. Most people in our society have extremely unrealistic expectations of girls and things get worse where a couple comes from different socioeconomic backgrounds. However, your parents should also accept a fair share of blame if this is actually the reason. Knowing his circumstances, this should have been expected. His mother is ill, he isn't exactly swimming in money, the girl is used to a life of luxury. All those are pretty obvious red flags unless parents know for sure that their daughter is capable of adjusting in a totally different environment.

 

[Mamoon]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

My only intention was to give honest advice. I am really sorry if I may have caused any offense or hurt your feelings by saying certain things about you or your family. I regret some of the things I said.

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

My only intention was to give honest advice. I am really sorry if I may have caused any offense or hurt your feelings by saying certain things about you or your family. I regret some of the things I said.

Its all good, sorry i got emotional and overly defensive about my sister. She has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and over protection, its hard to see her go through this

 

[Savak]

Understandable and I empathize with her if that is the real root of the problem. Most people in our society have extremely unrealistic expectations of girls and things get worse where a couple comes from different socioeconomic backgrounds. However, your parents should also accept a fair share of blame if this is actually the reason. Knowing his circumstances, this should have been expected. His mother is ill, he isn't exactly swimming in money, the girl is used to a life of luxury. All those are pretty obvious red flags unless parents know for sure that their daughter is capable of adjusting in a totally different environment.

I blame myself also, i should have made an effort to talk to the guy a lot more during the courtship period and actually even had the balls to have frank discussions with him i.e. what role did he envision for my sister in his house after marriage? what were his expectations precisely? I should have been a lot more vocal about any red flags. I blindly fell for my beliefs that everything between my sister, her fiance should strictly be between them, let them deal with it as it is their lives. As i interact with more and more people, i realize that elder brothers literally hound the prospective groom and spare no effort to ensure he is going to treat her right and this is what me and my elder brother should have done.

I feel my parents just blindly trusted and accepted the expectations from her susral would be reasonable and blindly accepted all the sunny side stuff, vibes they got during the courtship period. Let this be a lesson to everyone, do not trust anyone blindly, you spare no effort, action to ensure that people are exactly who they appear to be

 

[usmankhanmlg]

Ok, I can say this because I am not emotionally invested and couldn't read the whole thing because it was just too darn long (get to the point man!).

Anyways, you say:

The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor.

Seems like a self-regulating problem to me. Just tell your sister to stay positive, wait it out and hope for the best.

 

[usmankhanmlg]

Also, stop infantilizing her , "bAby sIsTeR, bAby sIsTeR". She's a 25 year old married woman who is also a doctor. You need to look at her as a mature person like any other, and this situation objectively if you are to engineer the best course of action.

Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy?

Seems like it. ALWAYS. Yes, but it almost always does more harm than good.

I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie. I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

Looks like they want her to stop studying without having to face the burden of "you told me to stop studying!!" for the rest of their life from her and you guys. If it seems like it, I would strongly advise you folks to drop her studying for the family life instead as that is a infinitely more powerful and beneficial move in the long term.

But then again, from what I've seen, your and my perceptions of marriage seem quite different, so make of that what you will.

 

[usmankhanmlg]

Those who want trophy wives never have good intention since they hate progressive women.

Everyone hates living with progressive women. Even progressive women hate living with progressive women. Given your name, I would think you would know this better than most.

 

[usmankhanmlg]

Don't give a f about the B I L. He and his family can go to hell. My baby sister is everything to me, if they can treat themselves like God's gift to earth but my sister like crap, we will also remind them off their place

TBH, with that attitude you can never make that relationship work. I can guarantee that. For your sister's sake, I would advise you to stay out of this matter no matter what. You will do 20x more harm than any good.

 

[usmankhanmlg]

I take great exception to the comment that I am just like the guy.

That is absurd. Yes I desire the young good looking decently educated with nice home making skills (Fingers crossed people, a little premature but I think I found the girl I was looking for my entire life matching these attributes, she resembles the Pakistani actress Sana Javed and is 12 years younger to me, should have good news by the end of this year or beginning of next year when I go to Pakistan for my vacation) but I would never misbehave or habitually belittle any girl let alone my spouse

Oh boy.

young
good looking
decently educated
nice home making skills

Such a woman does not exist (well, depending on what you mean by 'decently' educated. You'll be making the same mistake your family thinks they made already. The trailer is not the movie, in fact, the movie might have an entirely different plot.

You say 12 years younger than you. If you don't mind me asking, around how old are you?

 

[usmankhanmlg]

Tbh you should not marry anyone who is 12 years younger.

If a guy IS marrying, he might as well marry a girl who is young. She'll be easier to mold into a good housewife, and will be attractive for just a little longer.

There is such a contrast in mindset that it will only lead to issues.

There is always a massive contrast in mindset, even when they have an "understanding" as they call it. It's much easier to deal with when the girl is significantly younger. She is more open to other opinions and easy to distract as well (oh yeah, that's important too).

Plus, think about the motivation of the girl marrying you? It may just be for a green card, money etc

Is there ever any other motivation? Oh yes, I forgot about 'status'. But that's pretty much all there is to it.

 

[usmankhanmlg]

Early hurdles are part and parcel of every marriage. If people start jumping the gun over 50% of all marriages will end in divorce.

Similar to the UK and the US - or much of the enlightened progressive world in general.

We adopt their thought patterns, we get the same results as them.

 

[usmankhanmlg]

The guy has been spoilt by his parents, his mom who has been a house wife but has thoroughly dedicated her life to her kids in terms of providing every comfort possible at home in terms of meals, cooking their favorite dishes. He is resentful that my sister inspite of her best efforts did not live up to that standard and reminds her, belittles her daily.

That does not sound very unreasonable. Childish, slightly, but not unreasonable and definitely not difficult to deal with at all.

I just told her to be strong, hang tight and let dad deal with his.

Why didn't you tell her to learn how to cook, or at least appear to have started learning so that things calm down?

Tell me, as a self respecting father, brother and a girl? What do you expect us to do in this situation? Suck it up and let things carry on like this?

JUST COOK! Is this really about 'aBuSe', or is it about your folks' ego!?

 

[usmankhanmlg]

but she is a self respecting adult who is fully capable of making her decisions.

Ok.

What would any self respecting brother do if he found out his sisters spouse was regularly treating her like this?

Maybe let her make her own decisions about her married life, with her being a self respecting adult who is fully capable of making her own decisions.



And here we are at the crux of the situation: your sister is just whining about the kind of problems all new wives whine about (yes, I have seen this countless times before). Instead of understanding this and being rational, you are being an emotional man child, and have jumped into white knighting for 'baby sister' like the big, strong, self-respecting man you are.

Ultimately, you don't care about her marriage or life, as much as care about feeling like a hero.

You care more about your ego than your sister's future.

On top of that, you don't really seem to have any understanding of how marriages work.


From my viewpoint, your sister is fairly happily married to a guy who is a good catch and is going through issues watching his mom suffer and gradually pass away in front of him. She sticks with him through this time, and she's got a solid relationship and is set for the rest of her life.

The single (double) biggest threat to her marriage and future is YOU (and your dad).

 

[usmankhanmlg]

What was the purpose of opening this thread and share very personal information about your family? To seek counsel from others? to vent?

To gain confidence and feel like a hero while he goes on to try and destroy his sister's marriage.

 

[offstump]

Starting this thread and countless other ones about his life and relatives is a recipe for disaster. When it backfires one of these days, only Savak will be to blame for disrupting so many lives. Take this thread for instance, if all of this information is factual, what would happened if his BIL or other relative is a member of PP and reads the thread? It would take a few seconds to put 2 and 2 together.

 

[humzy]

I had a quick read of the thread.

Based on the facts I think she should leave him. It might be a blessing in disguise to realise this early that its not working rather than three years and two kids later.

My mum had similar issues with my dad and his family but she stayed on behalf of her kids. Trust me the issues only get worse and end up effecting the kids relationship with their parents as well.

 

[LongHorn]

That isn't the case here, is it? And physical abuse is a red-line that is not defensible in any case. .

Red lines vary from person to person and family to family.

In some families, a slap or 2 is considered all right

In some families, abusing the spouses' parents is not all right, a couple got divorced because one spouses mother got called a *****.
And there are people for whom that will be ok, because after all "its just words, and nothing physical"

 

[LongHorn]

I had a quick read of the thread.

Based on the facts I think she should leave him. It might be a blessing in disguise to realise this early that its not working rather than three years and two kids later.

My mum had similar issues with my dad and his family but she stayed on behalf of her kids. Trust me the issues only get worse and end up effecting the kids relationship with their parents as well.

Same here.
There are other opinions though, fair in their own right, who think its ok for a spouse to belittle and insult/humiliate the other if they do not meet expectations

I think people form such opinions based on what they have seen/done in their own lives, so those who have seen their mum suffer like you will sympathize with the OP's sister.

And those who have been in the role of the husband, will think there is nothing wrong in verbally belittling a spouse,

 

[amvbfm]

Red lines vary from person to person and family to family.

In some families, a slap or 2 is considered all right

In some families, abusing the spouses' parents is not all right, a couple got divorced because one spouses mother got called a *****.
And there are people for whom that will be ok, because after all "its just words, and nothing physical"

You asked for my opinion about physical abuse and I gave it. Really can't see what you are trying to get at here. I never justified abuse, be it physical or emotional. All I said was maybe the girl also contributed to the issue. Maybe she said something equally provocative or demeaning about the guy or the family to draw that response or maybe she did not. It is however prudent to first determine what caused it rather than overreacting on the basis of just what she said. Advocating something as drastic as divorce on the basis of a few statements (where we don't even know the context and can't apportion blame) is awfully foolish in my opinion.

 

[LongHorn]

Advocating something as drastic as divorce on the basis of a few statements (where we don't even know the context and can't apportion blame) is awfully foolish in my opinion.

I would say there is a difference between a few statements and the general nature of a person which forces him/her to be overcritical in an abusive way

Of course only the OP's sister and spouse know what was the situation.

But criticizing a wife for not cooking up to a certain standard in the first months of marriage is similar to a wife criticizing her husband's salary for being low in the first few months of marriage

Both are unacceptable, and while by themselves the statements are not cause for divorce, if they are part of a series of similar criticisms, divorce should be considered as an option if one party decides they cannot take the risk of it becoming a lifelong thing