Choosing a Wife: What Matters Most?

[LordJames]

When I was younger, my criteria for choosing a wife were embarrassingly simple:​

1. Practicing Muslim​
2. Pretty​
3. Pretty​
4. Pretty​

With age (and humility), I’ve realized that my brain wasn’t fully developed, and that attraction alone doesn’t sustain a marriage.

Today, I think the more meaningful criteria are:​

1. Practicing Muslim (still foundational for me)​
2. Emotional flexibility to handle life’s ups and downs​
3. Familiarity with the culture I grew up in​
4. Comfort navigating the system of the country we live in​
5. Compatibility and adaptability with my broader social circle (immediate and extended family, friends, and the Muslim community)​

I realized early on that Islam is the true common factor, not ethnicity or culture. At the same time, I’ve said many times that marrying outside one’s culture is not easy. Even when two people are aligned on the Sunnah, there is still a real adjustment period that shouldn’t be underestimated.

I’m not saying it can’t work, clearly it can but culture, communication styles, family expectations, and social norms do matter in day-to-day life.

I’d genuinely like to hear from others.​

 

[Varun]

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure it's a Love Marriage (not Arranged).

 

[LordJames]

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure it's a Love Marriage (not Arranged).​

I think that you have a very different understanding of the matter. Many people meet their spouses via contacts through friends, families and extended community, in fact I would say most people meet their spouses due to others.

I got to know my wife remotely in an International legal dispute, we were both trying to defend the same aggrieved party and read each other's briefs and emails and never physically met.

We were introduced to the issue by others so you can say that it was arranged.

When we met each other in a 3rd country, we married in the next 30 minutes.

Happily married and no issues, Alhumdolillah.​

 

[sweep_shot]

Between 2001 and 2015, I wasn't a very religious Muslim. During those days, I used to care about beauty only.

After returning to Islam (alhamdulillah) during 2015 Ramadan, my criteria for a partner completely changed. I now look at her religiosity first. Beauty is secondary.

My criterias for a spouse:

- Need to wear the hijab.
- Need to pray 5 times, fast During Ramadan, pay zakat etc. Must fulfill the 5 pillars of Islam minimum.
- Must not bankrupt me or put me in financial difficulty.
- Must be a mainstream Sunni. No weird sect.

That's it.

 

[LordJames]

Between 2001 and 2015, I wasn't a very religious Muslim. During those days, I used to care about beauty only.

After returning to Islam (alhamdulillah) during 2015 Ramadan, my criteria for a partner completely changed. I now look at her religiosity first. Beauty is secondary.

My criterias for a spouse:

- Need to wear the hijab.
- Need to pray 5 times, fast During Ramadan, pay zakat etc. Must fulfill the 5 pillars of Islam minimum.
- Must not bankrupt me or put me in financial difficulty.
- Must be a mainstream Sunni. No weird sect.

That's it.

A lot of Sisters do this for family/community reasons etc so I would advise you to search for a Sister who follows the Deen and is sincere and humble.

You need to investigate from background and she will do the same with you, some tips to young Brothers ask:

1. Which Scholars you listen to?
2. Which books you read?
3. What do you watch on YouTube?

Stuff like this gives you a wealth of information about her mindset and attitude.

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

 

[Suleiman]

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

Once she finds out that he runs the famous what did you eat thread she will say yes In Sha Allah.

 

[Varun]

I think that you have a very different understanding of the matter. Many people meet their spouses via contacts through friends, families and extended community, in fact I would say most people meet their spouses due to others.​

You are right: most South Asians do this, even many who live in the West for years. It's only fair that this is referred to as Love"less" marriages.

 

[sweep_shot]

A lot of Sisters do this for family/community reasons etc so I would advise you to search for a Sister who follows the Deen and is sincere and humble.

You need to investigate from background and she will do the same with you, some tips to young Brothers ask:

1. Which Scholars you listen to?
2. Which books you read?
3. What do you watch on YouTube?

Stuff like this gives you a wealth of information about her mindset and attitude.

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

LOL!

I can be in big trouble.

Once she finds out that he runs the famous what did you eat thread she will say yes In Sha Allah.

LOL. In sha Allah.

 

[Bhaijaan]

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure it's a Love Marriage (not Arranged).

Brother love marriage might feel fun for a while but a carefully planned arranged marriage will give life long happiness.

Always remember young boys. Your sweetheart is only cool before marriage when you’re on dating spree (sponsored by you) but after marriage it’s natural for women to become less fun and that’s when a sorted woman who cooks great food and has high emotional intelligence will always be more valuable brother.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Cooking skills

 

[Hitman]

She is free from a certain virus.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Don't overthink it. Having long checklist is a recipe for disaster. Look for a bit of compatibility and the rest of things you can grow together.

Nowadays I feel like too much of a checklist leaves people searching for too long and they often never find anyone.

No human being is perfect, embrace flaws of others and they will embrace your flaws. Don't wait too long either.

And finally don't listen to online people like Andrew Tate and these other male influencers regarding women.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

You are right: most South Asians do this, even many who live in the West for years. It's only fair that this is referred to as Love"less" marriages.

Both can work.

Love marriage sometimes puts two people together who probably wouldn't have ticked each others boxes in traditional arranged marriage.

Main thing is the attitude of both people and their willingness to grow.

 

[Varun]

Both can work.

Love marriage sometimes puts two people together who probably wouldn't have ticked each others boxes in traditional arranged marriage.

Main thing is the attitude of both people and their willingness to grow.

My angle is: if you've lived in the world for 20-25-30 years, why do you need your parents to introduce somebody to you?

Hence, I feel arranged marriage is full of such leftovers.

*Disclaimer: I have had a love marriage.

 

[Red-Indian]

My angle is: if you've lived in the world for 20-25-30 years, why do you need your parents to introduce somebody to you?

Hence, I feel arranged marriage is full of such leftovers.

*Disclaimer: I have had a love marriage.

It's a great safety net for us South Asians. Sure if you're able to find your life partner on your own, great. Less and less middle-class parents will stand in your way.

If not, the advantage with what we call 'arranged marriage's is that you already get a running start. The potential partner is likely already someone who's from a similar cultural background so you have a better chance of finding a match.

With all the awkwardnesses, limited opportunities for healthy contact between the sexes and lack of privacy we have in our societies, we'd probably end up making ourselves extinct in a few generations if we left it to everyone to find their true love.

 

[Bhaijaan]

My angle is: if you've lived in the world for 20-25-30 years, why do you need your parents to introduce somebody to you?

Hence, I feel arranged marriage is full of such leftovers.

*Disclaimer: I have had a love marriage.

Its a myth that arrange marriage means parent pressure.
These days working men and women are arranging for their own wedding via matrimony apps, even through dating apps.

Maybe it can be called arranged love marriage.

 

[sweep_shot]

Don't overthink it. Having long checklist is a recipe for disaster. Look for a bit of compatibility and the rest of things you can grow together.

Nowadays I feel like too much of a checklist leaves people searching for too long and they often never find anyone.

No human being is perfect, embrace flaws of others and they will embrace your flaws. Don't wait too long either.

And finally don't listen to online people like Andrew Tate and these other male influencers regarding women.

I think some basic compatabilities are needed before a marriage takes place. Otherwise, there can be conflicts.

Long checklist is not good. I agree.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

A lot of Sisters do this for family/community reasons etc so I would advise you to search for a Sister who follows the Deen and is sincere and humble.

You need to investigate from background and she will do the same with you, some tips to young Brothers ask:

1. Which Scholars you listen to?
2. Which books you read?
3. What do you watch on YouTube?

Stuff like this gives you a wealth of information about her mindset and attitude.

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

Of course everyone is different but I always keen that my prospective wife didn't spend time listening to scholars.

Not that I am putting it down. Each to their own. But I encountered some females who would spend day and night listening to scholars on youtube and forget to think for themselves. In my local area ( and online) scholars were popping up offering all sorts of courses, from marriages, to hygiene to all sorts. People lap up these things 24/7 and eventually turn every aspect of their life into something that needs scholarly opinion.

If you have a basic grounding you should be able to eventually think for yourself.

 

[Bhaijaan]

A question to my muslim, sikh friends here. Who would you chose from the following :-

• A 9/10 woman as per your criteria who is also a cousin
• A 10/10 woman who is a non cousin but carries healtheir genes

 

[Bhaijaan]

Between 2001 and 2015, I wasn't a very religious Muslim. During those days, I used to care about beauty only.

After returning to Islam (alhamdulillah) during 2015 Ramadan, my criteria for a partner completely changed. I now look at her religiosity first. Beauty is secondary.

My criterias for a spouse:

- Need to wear the hijab.
- Need to pray 5 times, fast During Ramadan, pay zakat etc. Must fulfill the 5 pillars of Islam minimum.
- Must not bankrupt me or put me in financial difficulty.
- Must be a mainstream Sunni. No weird sect.

That's it.

Brother, you would make a great husband, to a Bangladeshi woman.

 

[Varun]

With all the awkwardnesses, limited opportunities for healthy contact between the sexes and lack of privacy we have in our societies, we'd probably end up making ourselves extinct in a few generations if we left it to everyone to find their true love.

Or the other way to look at it is that Arranged Marriages are the root cause of all the population explosion and caste system in our parts.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Don't overthink it. Having long checklist is a recipe for disaster. Look for a bit of compatibility and the rest of things you can grow together.

Nowadays I feel like too much of a checklist leaves people searching for too long and they often never find anyone.

No human being is perfect, embrace flaws of others and they will embrace your flaws. Don't wait too long either.

And finally don't listen to online people like Andrew Tate and these other male influencers regarding women.

In the old days of arranged marriage people were married and having kids by their early 20's. I have seen this change and now we get many people these days still unmarried in their 30's and 40's.

There is a bit of a culture clash here. Brits can marry late because they are dating and fornicating while they are still teenagers usually. Marriage and family isn't really the goal for them in most cases. Desis still think in terms of raising kids so if they are hitting their 30's or 40's that can be an issue for women if they want children.

 

[Bhaijaan]

This is a healthy thread dear.

Sometimes I worry about some of my brothers here. We spend so much time wrestling politics, religion, and the fate of civilizations that I fear ya’all might forget the greatest thing a man can do is simply fall in love with a woman.

Debates are great. But falling in love is better. Yes, love will probably break your heart. And one look into your crush’s eyes might be the end of you. But trust me dear, it’s absolutely worth it.

Honestly, I’ll carry less guilt in my heart knowing you go home to cry on someone’s shoulder after losing an argument here. Let the world defeat you in debates, but let someone win you over in real life. It’s my little dua for you all. Now and always.

 

[Champ_Pal]

Supporting wife. A partner that shares 50-50 responsibilities.

 

[LordJames]

Of course everyone is different but I always keen that my prospective wife didn't spend time listening to scholars.

Not that I am putting it down. Each to their own. But I encountered some females who would spend day and night listening to scholars on youtube and forget to think for themselves. In my local area ( and online) scholars were popping up offering all sorts of courses, from marriages, to hygiene to all sorts. People lap up these things 24/7 and eventually turn every aspect of their life into something that needs scholarly opinion.

If you have a basic grounding you should be able to eventually think for yourself.

YouTube is big business, brother.... And it is in the Interest of Businessmen to keep the demand high for their business.

On a serious note...

There is a difference between younger people and people over 40+ when you have become mature, younger people do listen to talks etc.

But it is a reality that many practicing Muslims listen to talks or read books or listen to someone on YouTube and if gives a pretty good idea about the inclination and personality of the person

 

[ElRaja]

not married but seen a lot of marriages and divorces up close, and theres only one common thread in the marriages that work, both individuals have a shared sense of humour and a strong attraction to each other.

one of my strongest childhood memories was talking to my naani, she was looking sad one day, and i asked her whats up. she said she hadnt seen my naana for a few days, and i was like what? cos at this point hed been dead more than 10 years. she said that she dreamt of him at least once a week, and if she didnt dream of him shed get restless. she then proceeded to describe him to me, shes like he was so tall, he had broad shoulders, he was so "pyaara", he was the smartest man she knew and he didnt let her worry about anything for even one day in her life. ive never seen a 70+ woman gush about someone like a teenager before or since.

theres a lot of things that go into a relationship, but having that attraction, physical, mental, emotional, is a strong sign you should spend your life with them imo. without that modern life is far too distraction and option rich to let people ride the ups and downs of life without having that glue to stick them together.

the most common element in divorces is the quiet spouse, it doesnt matter if its the man or the women, if communication stops from one end, the marraige is over, every little thing builds up like a mountain, until one day you see a torrent of mutual ugliness unleashed. the day you bite your tongue with your spouse without a good reason, is pbly the day you need to evaluate where your relationship is going.

 

[LordJames]

not married but seen a lot of marriages and divorces up close, and theres only one common thread in the marriages that work, both individuals have a shared sense of humour and a strong attraction to each other.

one of my strongest childhood memories was talking to my naani, she was looking sad one day, and i asked her whats up. she said she hadnt seen my naana for a few days, and i was like what? cos at this point hed been dead more than 10 years. she said that she dreamt of him at least once a week, and if she didnt dream of him shed get restless. she then proceeded to describe him to me, shes like he was so tall, he had broad shoulders, he was so "pyaara", he was the smartest man she knew and he didnt let her worry about anything for even one day in her life. ive never seen a 70+ woman gush about someone like a teenager before or since.

theres a lot of things that go into a relationship, but having that attraction, physical, mental, emotional, is a strong sign you should spend your life with them imo. without that modern life is far too distraction and option rich to let people ride the ups and downs of life without having that glue to stick them together.

the most common element in divorces is the quiet spouse, it doesnt matter if its the man or the women, if communication stops from one end, the marraige is over, every little thing builds up like a mountain, until one day you see a torrent of mutual ugliness unleashed. the day you bite your tongue with your spouse without a good reason, is pbly the day you need to evaluate where your relationship is going.

May Allah Ta'ala give the highest rank in paradise to your Nana and Nani (Ameen).

 

[Suleiman]

A question to my muslim, sikh friends here. Who would you chose from the following :-

• A 9/10 woman as per your criteria who is also a cousin
• A 10/10 woman who is a non cousin but carries healtheir genes

Great question, btw before we answer please feel free to pick one of the two options that is acceptable on the behalf of similar minded Hindus:

1. Approaching a woman normally for marriage.
2. Harassing her on social media DMs, starting off with “hello dear..” to asking for bobandvagene regardless of her response.

I know we already have a Hindu Pakpassion user who tried the second option, I believe he is on a new account now.

 

[Bhaijaan]

Great question, btw before we answer please feel free to pick one of the two options that is acceptable on the behalf of similar minded Hindus:

1. Approaching a woman normally for marriage.
2. Harassing her on social media DMs, starting off with “hello dear..” to asking for bobandvagene regardless of her response.

I know we already have a Hindu Pakpassion user who tried the second option, I believe he is on a new account now.

Reply nahi krna to block krdo mujhe
After one day
“Hey”

 

[adzzy786]

I married on ‘beauty’ and ‘love’ if I could go back in time I would focus on character, god fearing and practicing, obedient and understands the roles of husband and wife.

Beauty should not even be a consideration, as long as there is some attraction then that’s fine.
Coming from own experience even the most beautiful woman starts to look ugly if their character is awful

 

[sweep_shot]

I married on ‘beauty’ and ‘love’ if I could go back in time I would focus on character, god fearing and practicing, obedient and understands the roles of husband and wife.

Beauty should not even be a consideration, as long as there is some attraction then that’s fine.
Coming from own experience even the most beautiful woman starts to look ugly if their character is awful

Agree.

A lady who is religious and with a good heart is the best.

Beauty is secondary. What good beauty would do if she is a malicious person?

 

[adzzy786]

Agree.

A lady who is religious and with a good heart is the best.

Beauty is secondary. What good beauty would do if she is a malicious person?

The main thing is if she supports you when things gets tough, acts as a shield of some sort. Will speak well of you behind your back, and most importantly respects you.

This is why after 10 years of trying I realised it didn’t work so I had left. My requirements for a wife are opposite to what they were

 

[sweep_shot]

The main thing is if she supports you when things gets tough, acts as a shield of some sort. Will speak well of you behind your back, and most importantly respects you.

This is why after 10 years of trying I realised it didn’t work so I had left. My requirements for a wife are opposite to what they were

It is good that you exited instead of getting tormented.

Better to divorce than to stick with a bad apple.

My requirements also changed. I used to care about looks 10-15 years ago. Not the case anymore. I only care about heart, maturity, and religiosity now.

 

[LordJames]

It is good that you exited instead of getting tormented.

Better to divorce than to stick with a bad apple.

My requirements also changed. I used to care about looks 10-15 years ago. Not the case anymore. I only care about heart, maturity, and religiosity now.

You have to care about looks! You have to find someone who is pleasing to you otherwise you won't be able to guard your gaze.

Also someone can be religious and be disorganized, total slob, motormouth etc so you have to look at a number of factors.

You have to look for someone who is compatible with you.

The main thing is if she supports you when things gets tough, acts as a shield of some sort. Will speak well of you behind your back, and most importantly respects you.

This is why after 10 years of trying I realised it didn’t work so I had left. My requirements for a wife are opposite to what they were

Absolutely agree and Insha'Allah I hope that you find someone to be happy with (Ameen).

Marriage requires a lot of effort and sacrifice to build up but don't stay single for too long, same for our Brother @ElRaja

 

[ElRaja]

You have to care about looks! You have to find someone who is pleasing to you otherwise you won't be able to guard your gaze.

Also someone can be religious and be disorganized, total slob, motormouth etc so you have to look at a number of factors.

You have to look for someone who is compatible with you.



Absolutely agree and Insha'Allah I hope that you find someone to be happy with (Ameen).

Marriage requires a lot of effort and sacrifice to build up but don't stay single for too long, same for our Brother @ElRaja

i see marriage this way, the good ones are amazing, they give two people a bond and security and connection which cannot be replicated, however a bad marriage is absolute hell, sucks the life out of people, and hollows them out like termite hollows out wood and leaves kids to lie in the broken shards of someone elses mistakes.

so if i find someone i think i can commit to forever and they feel the same way, id deffo do it, however ive mentally accepted that their is a non-zero probability that i dont find that person, and if thats the case id rather be single than ruin mine and someone elses life.

plus i have three dependents, and i would be a hypocrite to bring someone into a joint family system when i dont believe in joint family systems myself. it complicates issues, but ive somewhat made peace with this.

 

[Rafale Nidhal Fan]

nowadays marriages are like Tinder profiles, swipe left, swipe right, chat, if its ok, move forward, if not unmatch.

and then some desis here want to promote western culture and push for love marriage. When Love/Arrange got nothing to do with success or failure of the marriage. Everything comes down to individual person.