Choosing a Wife: What Matters Most?

[LordJames]

When I was younger, my criteria for choosing a wife were embarrassingly simple:​

1. Practicing Muslim​
2. Pretty​
3. Pretty​
4. Pretty​

With age (and humility), I’ve realized that my brain wasn’t fully developed, and that attraction alone doesn’t sustain a marriage.

Today, I think the more meaningful criteria are:​

1. Practicing Muslim (still foundational for me)​
2. Emotional flexibility to handle life’s ups and downs​
3. Familiarity with the culture I grew up in​
4. Comfort navigating the system of the country we live in​
5. Compatibility and adaptability with my broader social circle (immediate and extended family, friends, and the Muslim community)​

I realized early on that Islam is the true common factor, not ethnicity or culture. At the same time, I’ve said many times that marrying outside one’s culture is not easy. Even when two people are aligned on the Sunnah, there is still a real adjustment period that shouldn’t be underestimated.

I’m not saying it can’t work, clearly it can but culture, communication styles, family expectations, and social norms do matter in day-to-day life.

I’d genuinely like to hear from others.​

 

[Varun]

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure it's a Love Marriage (not Arranged).

 

[LordJames]

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure it's a Love Marriage (not Arranged).​

I think that you have a very different understanding of the matter. Many people meet their spouses via contacts through friends, families and extended community, in fact I would say most people meet their spouses due to others.

I got to know my wife remotely in an International legal dispute, we were both trying to defend the same aggrieved party and read each other's briefs and emails and never physically met.

We were introduced to the issue by others so you can say that it was arranged.

When we met each other in a 3rd country, we married in the next 30 minutes.

Happily married and no issues, Alhumdolillah.​

 

[sweep_shot]

Between 2001 and 2015, I wasn't a very religious Muslim. During those days, I used to care about beauty only.

After returning to Islam (alhamdulillah) during 2015 Ramadan, my criteria for a partner completely changed. I now look at her religiosity first. Beauty is secondary.

My criterias for a spouse:

- Need to wear the hijab.
- Need to pray 5 times, fast During Ramadan, pay zakat etc. Must fulfill the 5 pillars of Islam minimum.
- Must not bankrupt me or put me in financial difficulty.
- Must be a mainstream Sunni. No weird sect.

That's it.

 

[LordJames]

Between 2001 and 2015, I wasn't a very religious Muslim. During those days, I used to care about beauty only.

After returning to Islam (alhamdulillah) during 2015 Ramadan, my criteria for a partner completely changed. I now look at her religiosity first. Beauty is secondary.

My criterias for a spouse:

- Need to wear the hijab.
- Need to pray 5 times, fast During Ramadan, pay zakat etc. Must fulfill the 5 pillars of Islam minimum.
- Must not bankrupt me or put me in financial difficulty.
- Must be a mainstream Sunni. No weird sect.

That's it.

A lot of Sisters do this for family/community reasons etc so I would advise you to search for a Sister who follows the Deen and is sincere and humble.

You need to investigate from background and she will do the same with you, some tips to young Brothers ask:

1. Which Scholars you listen to?
2. Which books you read?
3. What do you watch on YouTube?

Stuff like this gives you a wealth of information about her mindset and attitude.

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

 

[Suleiman]

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

Once she finds out that he runs the famous what did you eat thread she will say yes In Sha Allah.

 

[Varun]

I think that you have a very different understanding of the matter. Many people meet their spouses via contacts through friends, families and extended community, in fact I would say most people meet their spouses due to others.​

You are right: most South Asians do this, even many who live in the West for years. It's only fair that this is referred to as Love"less" marriages.

 

[sweep_shot]

A lot of Sisters do this for family/community reasons etc so I would advise you to search for a Sister who follows the Deen and is sincere and humble.

You need to investigate from background and she will do the same with you, some tips to young Brothers ask:

1. Which Scholars you listen to?
2. Which books you read?
3. What do you watch on YouTube?

Stuff like this gives you a wealth of information about her mindset and attitude.

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

LOL!

I can be in big trouble.

Once she finds out that he runs the famous what did you eat thread she will say yes In Sha Allah.

LOL. In sha Allah.

 

[Bhaijaan]

The only thing I'd suggest is to make sure it's a Love Marriage (not Arranged).

Brother love marriage might feel fun for a while but a carefully planned arranged marriage will give life long happiness.

Always remember young boys. Your sweetheart is only cool before marriage when you’re on dating spree (sponsored by you) but after marriage it’s natural for women to become less fun and that’s when a sorted woman who cooks great food and has high emotional intelligence will always be more valuable brother.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Cooking skills

 

[Hitman]

She is free from a certain virus.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Don't overthink it. Having long checklist is a recipe for disaster. Look for a bit of compatibility and the rest of things you can grow together.

Nowadays I feel like too much of a checklist leaves people searching for too long and they often never find anyone.

No human being is perfect, embrace flaws of others and they will embrace your flaws. Don't wait too long either.

And finally don't listen to online people like Andrew Tate and these other male influencers regarding women.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

You are right: most South Asians do this, even many who live in the West for years. It's only fair that this is referred to as Love"less" marriages.

Both can work.

Love marriage sometimes puts two people together who probably wouldn't have ticked each others boxes in traditional arranged marriage.

Main thing is the attitude of both people and their willingness to grow.

 

[Varun]

Both can work.

Love marriage sometimes puts two people together who probably wouldn't have ticked each others boxes in traditional arranged marriage.

Main thing is the attitude of both people and their willingness to grow.

My angle is: if you've lived in the world for 20-25-30 years, why do you need your parents to introduce somebody to you?

Hence, I feel arranged marriage is full of such leftovers.

*Disclaimer: I have had a love marriage.

 

[Red-Indian]

My angle is: if you've lived in the world for 20-25-30 years, why do you need your parents to introduce somebody to you?

Hence, I feel arranged marriage is full of such leftovers.

*Disclaimer: I have had a love marriage.

It's a great safety net for us South Asians. Sure if you're able to find your life partner on your own, great. Less and less middle-class parents will stand in your way.

If not, the advantage with what we call 'arranged marriage's is that you already get a running start. The potential partner is likely already someone who's from a similar cultural background so you have a better chance of finding a match.

With all the awkwardnesses, limited opportunities for healthy contact between the sexes and lack of privacy we have in our societies, we'd probably end up making ourselves extinct in a few generations if we left it to everyone to find their true love.

 

[Bhaijaan]

My angle is: if you've lived in the world for 20-25-30 years, why do you need your parents to introduce somebody to you?

Hence, I feel arranged marriage is full of such leftovers.

*Disclaimer: I have had a love marriage.

Its a myth that arrange marriage means parent pressure.
These days working men and women are arranging for their own wedding via matrimony apps, even through dating apps.

Maybe it can be called arranged love marriage.

 

[sweep_shot]

Don't overthink it. Having long checklist is a recipe for disaster. Look for a bit of compatibility and the rest of things you can grow together.

Nowadays I feel like too much of a checklist leaves people searching for too long and they often never find anyone.

No human being is perfect, embrace flaws of others and they will embrace your flaws. Don't wait too long either.

And finally don't listen to online people like Andrew Tate and these other male influencers regarding women.

I think some basic compatabilities are needed before a marriage takes place. Otherwise, there can be conflicts.

Long checklist is not good. I agree.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

A lot of Sisters do this for family/community reasons etc so I would advise you to search for a Sister who follows the Deen and is sincere and humble.

You need to investigate from background and she will do the same with you, some tips to young Brothers ask:

1. Which Scholars you listen to?
2. Which books you read?
3. What do you watch on YouTube?

Stuff like this gives you a wealth of information about her mindset and attitude.

@sweep_shot If she investigates you on PakPassion...

Of course everyone is different but I always keen that my prospective wife didn't spend time listening to scholars.

Not that I am putting it down. Each to their own. But I encountered some females who would spend day and night listening to scholars on youtube and forget to think for themselves. In my local area ( and online) scholars were popping up offering all sorts of courses, from marriages, to hygiene to all sorts. People lap up these things 24/7 and eventually turn every aspect of their life into something that needs scholarly opinion.

If you have a basic grounding you should be able to eventually think for yourself.

 

[Bhaijaan]

A question to my muslim, sikh friends here. Who would you chose from the following :-

• A 9/10 woman as per your criteria who is also a cousin
• A 10/10 woman who is a non cousin but carries healtheir genes

 

[Bhaijaan]

Between 2001 and 2015, I wasn't a very religious Muslim. During those days, I used to care about beauty only.

After returning to Islam (alhamdulillah) during 2015 Ramadan, my criteria for a partner completely changed. I now look at her religiosity first. Beauty is secondary.

My criterias for a spouse:

- Need to wear the hijab.
- Need to pray 5 times, fast During Ramadan, pay zakat etc. Must fulfill the 5 pillars of Islam minimum.
- Must not bankrupt me or put me in financial difficulty.
- Must be a mainstream Sunni. No weird sect.

That's it.

Brother, you would make a great husband, to a Bangladeshi woman.

 

[Varun]

With all the awkwardnesses, limited opportunities for healthy contact between the sexes and lack of privacy we have in our societies, we'd probably end up making ourselves extinct in a few generations if we left it to everyone to find their true love.

Or the other way to look at it is that Arranged Marriages are the root cause of all the population explosion and caste system in our parts.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Don't overthink it. Having long checklist is a recipe for disaster. Look for a bit of compatibility and the rest of things you can grow together.

Nowadays I feel like too much of a checklist leaves people searching for too long and they often never find anyone.

No human being is perfect, embrace flaws of others and they will embrace your flaws. Don't wait too long either.

And finally don't listen to online people like Andrew Tate and these other male influencers regarding women.

In the old days of arranged marriage people were married and having kids by their early 20's. I have seen this change and now we get many people these days still unmarried in their 30's and 40's.

There is a bit of a culture clash here. Brits can marry late because they are dating and fornicating while they are still teenagers usually. Marriage and family isn't really the goal for them in most cases. Desis still think in terms of raising kids so if they are hitting their 30's or 40's that can be an issue for women if they want children.

 

[Bhaijaan]

This is a healthy thread dear.

Sometimes I worry about some of my brothers here. We spend so much time wrestling politics, religion, and the fate of civilizations that I fear ya’all might forget the greatest thing a man can do is simply fall in love with a woman.

Debates are great. But falling in love is better. Yes, love will probably break your heart. And one look into your crush’s eyes might be the end of you. But trust me dear, it’s absolutely worth it.

Honestly, I’ll carry less guilt in my heart knowing you go home to cry on someone’s shoulder after losing an argument here. Let the world defeat you in debates, but let someone win you over in real life. It’s my little dua for you all. Now and always.

 

[Champ_Pal]

Supporting wife. A partner that shares 50-50 responsibilities.

 

[LordJames]

Of course everyone is different but I always keen that my prospective wife didn't spend time listening to scholars.

Not that I am putting it down. Each to their own. But I encountered some females who would spend day and night listening to scholars on youtube and forget to think for themselves. In my local area ( and online) scholars were popping up offering all sorts of courses, from marriages, to hygiene to all sorts. People lap up these things 24/7 and eventually turn every aspect of their life into something that needs scholarly opinion.

If you have a basic grounding you should be able to eventually think for yourself.

YouTube is big business, brother.... And it is in the Interest of Businessmen to keep the demand high for their business.

On a serious note...

There is a difference between younger people and people over 40+ when you have become mature, younger people do listen to talks etc.

But it is a reality that many practicing Muslims listen to talks or read books or listen to someone on YouTube and if gives a pretty good idea about the inclination and personality of the person

 

[ElRaja]

not married but seen a lot of marriages and divorces up close, and theres only one common thread in the marriages that work, both individuals have a shared sense of humour and a strong attraction to each other.

one of my strongest childhood memories was talking to my naani, she was looking sad one day, and i asked her whats up. she said she hadnt seen my naana for a few days, and i was like what? cos at this point hed been dead more than 10 years. she said that she dreamt of him at least once a week, and if she didnt dream of him shed get restless. she then proceeded to describe him to me, shes like he was so tall, he had broad shoulders, he was so "pyaara", he was the smartest man she knew and he didnt let her worry about anything for even one day in her life. ive never seen a 70+ woman gush about someone like a teenager before or since.

theres a lot of things that go into a relationship, but having that attraction, physical, mental, emotional, is a strong sign you should spend your life with them imo. without that modern life is far too distraction and option rich to let people ride the ups and downs of life without having that glue to stick them together.

the most common element in divorces is the quiet spouse, it doesnt matter if its the man or the women, if communication stops from one end, the marraige is over, every little thing builds up like a mountain, until one day you see a torrent of mutual ugliness unleashed. the day you bite your tongue with your spouse without a good reason, is pbly the day you need to evaluate where your relationship is going.

 

[LordJames]

not married but seen a lot of marriages and divorces up close, and theres only one common thread in the marriages that work, both individuals have a shared sense of humour and a strong attraction to each other.

one of my strongest childhood memories was talking to my naani, she was looking sad one day, and i asked her whats up. she said she hadnt seen my naana for a few days, and i was like what? cos at this point hed been dead more than 10 years. she said that she dreamt of him at least once a week, and if she didnt dream of him shed get restless. she then proceeded to describe him to me, shes like he was so tall, he had broad shoulders, he was so "pyaara", he was the smartest man she knew and he didnt let her worry about anything for even one day in her life. ive never seen a 70+ woman gush about someone like a teenager before or since.

theres a lot of things that go into a relationship, but having that attraction, physical, mental, emotional, is a strong sign you should spend your life with them imo. without that modern life is far too distraction and option rich to let people ride the ups and downs of life without having that glue to stick them together.

the most common element in divorces is the quiet spouse, it doesnt matter if its the man or the women, if communication stops from one end, the marraige is over, every little thing builds up like a mountain, until one day you see a torrent of mutual ugliness unleashed. the day you bite your tongue with your spouse without a good reason, is pbly the day you need to evaluate where your relationship is going.

May Allah Ta'ala give the highest rank in paradise to your Nana and Nani (Ameen).

 

[Suleiman]

A question to my muslim, sikh friends here. Who would you chose from the following :-

• A 9/10 woman as per your criteria who is also a cousin
• A 10/10 woman who is a non cousin but carries healtheir genes

Great question, btw before we answer please feel free to pick one of the two options that is acceptable on the behalf of similar minded Hindus:

1. Approaching a woman normally for marriage.
2. Harassing her on social media DMs, starting off with “hello dear..” to asking for bobandvagene regardless of her response.

I know we already have a Hindu Pakpassion user who tried the second option, I believe he is on a new account now.

 

[Bhaijaan]

Great question, btw before we answer please feel free to pick one of the two options that is acceptable on the behalf of similar minded Hindus:

1. Approaching a woman normally for marriage.
2. Harassing her on social media DMs, starting off with “hello dear..” to asking for bobandvagene regardless of her response.

I know we already have a Hindu Pakpassion user who tried the second option, I believe he is on a new account now.

Reply nahi krna to block krdo mujhe
After one day
“Hey”

 

[adzzy786]

I married on ‘beauty’ and ‘love’ if I could go back in time I would focus on character, god fearing and practicing, obedient and understands the roles of husband and wife.

Beauty should not even be a consideration, as long as there is some attraction then that’s fine.
Coming from own experience even the most beautiful woman starts to look ugly if their character is awful

 

[sweep_shot]

I married on ‘beauty’ and ‘love’ if I could go back in time I would focus on character, god fearing and practicing, obedient and understands the roles of husband and wife.

Beauty should not even be a consideration, as long as there is some attraction then that’s fine.
Coming from own experience even the most beautiful woman starts to look ugly if their character is awful

Agree.

A lady who is religious and with a good heart is the best.

Beauty is secondary. What good beauty would do if she is a malicious person?

 

[adzzy786]

Agree.

A lady who is religious and with a good heart is the best.

Beauty is secondary. What good beauty would do if she is a malicious person?

The main thing is if she supports you when things gets tough, acts as a shield of some sort. Will speak well of you behind your back, and most importantly respects you.

This is why after 10 years of trying I realised it didn’t work so I had left. My requirements for a wife are opposite to what they were

 

[sweep_shot]

The main thing is if she supports you when things gets tough, acts as a shield of some sort. Will speak well of you behind your back, and most importantly respects you.

This is why after 10 years of trying I realised it didn’t work so I had left. My requirements for a wife are opposite to what they were

It is good that you exited instead of getting tormented.

Better to divorce than to stick with a bad apple.

My requirements also changed. I used to care about looks 10-15 years ago. Not the case anymore. I only care about heart, maturity, and religiosity now.

 

[LordJames]

It is good that you exited instead of getting tormented.

Better to divorce than to stick with a bad apple.

My requirements also changed. I used to care about looks 10-15 years ago. Not the case anymore. I only care about heart, maturity, and religiosity now.

You have to care about looks! You have to find someone who is pleasing to you otherwise you won't be able to guard your gaze.

Also someone can be religious and be disorganized, total slob, motormouth etc so you have to look at a number of factors.

You have to look for someone who is compatible with you.

The main thing is if she supports you when things gets tough, acts as a shield of some sort. Will speak well of you behind your back, and most importantly respects you.

This is why after 10 years of trying I realised it didn’t work so I had left. My requirements for a wife are opposite to what they were

Absolutely agree and Insha'Allah I hope that you find someone to be happy with (Ameen).

Marriage requires a lot of effort and sacrifice to build up but don't stay single for too long, same for our Brother @ElRaja

 

[ElRaja]

You have to care about looks! You have to find someone who is pleasing to you otherwise you won't be able to guard your gaze.

Also someone can be religious and be disorganized, total slob, motormouth etc so you have to look at a number of factors.

You have to look for someone who is compatible with you.



Absolutely agree and Insha'Allah I hope that you find someone to be happy with (Ameen).

Marriage requires a lot of effort and sacrifice to build up but don't stay single for too long, same for our Brother @ElRaja

i see marriage this way, the good ones are amazing, they give two people a bond and security and connection which cannot be replicated, however a bad marriage is absolute hell, sucks the life out of people, and hollows them out like termite hollows out wood and leaves kids to lie in the broken shards of someone elses mistakes.

so if i find someone i think i can commit to forever and they feel the same way, id deffo do it, however ive mentally accepted that their is a non-zero probability that i dont find that person, and if thats the case id rather be single than ruin mine and someone elses life.

plus i have three dependents, and i would be a hypocrite to bring someone into a joint family system when i dont believe in joint family systems myself. it complicates issues, but ive somewhat made peace with this.

 

[Rafale Nidhal Fan]

nowadays marriages are like Tinder profiles, swipe left, swipe right, chat, if its ok, move forward, if not unmatch.

and then some desis here want to promote western culture and push for love marriage. When Love/Arrange got nothing to do with success or failure of the marriage. Everything comes down to individual person.

 

[LordJames]

i see marriage this way, the good ones are amazing, they give two people a bond and security and connection which cannot be replicated, however a bad marriage is absolute hell, sucks the life out of people, and hollows them out like termite hollows out wood and leaves kids to lie in the broken shards of someone elses mistakes.

so if i find someone i think i can commit to forever and they feel the same way, id deffo do it, however ive mentally accepted that their is a non-zero probability that i dont find that person, and if thats the case id rather be single than ruin mine and someone elses life.

plus i have three dependents, and i would be a hypocrite to bring someone into a joint family system when i dont believe in joint family systems myself. it complicates issues, but ive somewhat made peace with this.​

I don't know you but you seem like a nice guy.

Your dependents will grow up and out and start their own lives while you will get older and will need companionship. There is no perfect person in this world and if someone can lessen your load in life and you can lessen someone's else then its a risk worth taking.

There are plenty of good women out there who have stepped into someone else's join family system and enhanced it.



​

 

[ahsan17]

One underrated topic is financial compatibility. This can be a huge issue if not discussed early on and if there are major surprises. You don't have to align to align on it completely, but it should be fairly close. Things to watch out for:

1. Have agreement on whether one will pay the bills/expenses or both of you will pitch in. For guys, I'd suggest avoiding women with the "my money is my money, his money is our money" mentality, as they are in it for themselves.
2. Close alignment on long term financial goals - do you follow good financial habits, want to invest for the long term, or are more concerned about the now? If you have misalignment on that, there can be huge disagreements down the road.

 

[Suleiman]

After the quality of practicing Deen as number 1 , and number 2/3 I guess on the same level as looks is modesty / Gheerah.

I’m not asking for niqab unless she wants to herself. But hijab in a Muslim country and at least modest clothing in non Muslim country if she fears for her safety in those countries if Nauzubillah I am not around for some reason. And again she must already be open to it, or at least inclining toward it. I’m not here to convince

These are pre existing conditions. None of this I want to try and convince her to do, maybe I’ll mention it in the getting to know you stage, and if she stands firm on lax modesty and Gheerah then that’s the end.

If you have to bargain, and explain and over explain a value that you have and she doesn’t but out of desperation you want her to take on so you don’t “lose her” then you’re already starting at a loss.

None of these values are by force or arguing, and if she doesn’t have them, or I don’t have a value that they are seeking, then no need to proceed.

Islamically, no amount of chemistry or “love” is going to cure misalignment when it comes to adherence to the faith.

It’s nice to think “yeah but if I love her and she loves me, we’ll work through it” and for worldly values and principles i guess it can work. But as a Muslim you already know what you can and can’t compromise on. Source: me as former certified lover boy as Drake would say

 

[LordJames]

Note to all unmarried/divorced Muslim Men

Allah Ta'ala has created companionship for your soul so don't deprive yourself, just like there are good men there are good women.​

1. A good man looks after his (wife and family) loves and takes care of them because it is a command of Allah Ta'ala​
2. A good woman looks after her (husband and family) and takes care of them because it is a command of Allah Ta'ala​

The biggest tragedy for Indian/Pakistani/Bangali Muslims is the impact of Hinduism and Hindu culture on our Islam due to our living with Hindus for centuries, we view marriage, from a Non-Islamic perspective and it has permeated our conscious.

Throw away your cultural baggage, remove your lens and look at marriage from an Islamic perspective and if you are already married then know that it is a half of your religion.

I know someone who got married at 70 (him) and 66 (her) and nearly everyone opposed it in the community because it is an odd thing, they been married for a few years and they complete each other's lives and it is clear that the whole is greater than each of their individual sums.

Another couple both 60+ and they also complete each other and are happier together then individually, again they were made fun of, opposed but many years later they work together and compliment each other.

Do these couples have nothing but happiness? No! They all have children from their previous marriages and its complicated, they have health problems, bills etc but they are better together then as individuals.

There is no:​

1. Perfect age for marriage​
2. Perfect body for marriage​
3. Perfect person for marriage​
4. Perfect time for marriage​

It doesn't matter about past experiences, your martial experience and history.

If as a man you consider yourself a good person then it is not possible for Allah Ta'ala to not have created a woman who is also a good person.

If as a man you have gone through a bad experience in marriage then Allah Ta'ala has created a woman who has also gone through a bad experience in marriage.

One underrated topic is financial compatibility. This can be a huge issue if not discussed early on and if there are major surprises. You don't have to align to align on it completely, but it should be fairly close. Things to watch out for:

1. Have agreement on whether one will pay the bills/expenses or both of you will pitch in. For guys, I'd suggest avoiding women with the "my money is my money, his money is our money" mentality, as they are in it for themselves.
2. Close alignment on long term financial goals - do you follow good financial habits, want to invest for the long term, or are more concerned about the now? If you have misalignment on that, there can be huge disagreements down the road.

Superb advice and completely Islamic.

Put all your cards on the table and be upfront about the money situation and discuss these issues. In my experience, there are 3 main reasons for Muslim marriages breaking down:

1. Meddling (from immediate and extended family and community) and this includes bad advise from community members, elders and scholars and much of is cultural based instead of religious
2. Sexual issues
3. Financial issues, specially true if one of the spouses has close family overseas and sends money.

After the quality of practicing Deen as number 1 , and number 2/3 I guess on the same level as looks is modesty / Gheerah.

I’m not asking for niqab unless she wants to herself. But hijab in a Muslim country and at least modest clothing in non Muslim country if she fears for her safety in those countries if Nauzubillah I am not around for some reason. And again she must already be open to it, or at least inclining toward it. I’m not here to convince

These are pre existing conditions. None of this I want to try and convince her to do, maybe I’ll mention it in the getting to know you stage, and if she stands firm on lax modesty and Gheerah then that’s the end.

If you have to bargain, and explain and over explain a value that you have and she doesn’t but out of desperation you want her to take on so you don’t “lose her” then you’re already starting at a loss.

None of these values are by force or arguing, and if she doesn’t have them, or I don’t have a value that they are seeking, then no need to proceed.

Islamically, no amount of chemistry or “love” is going to cure misalignment when it comes to adherence to the faith.

It’s nice to think “yeah but if I love her and she loves me, we’ll work through it” and for worldly values and principles i guess it can work. But as a Muslim you already know what you can and can’t compromise on. Source: me as former certified lover boy as Drake would say

Again, it is either not possible or extremely difficult to change someone! Love has nothing to do with it.

At the very least, people change at their pace.

Don't marry someone thinking, hoping or planning to change her.

It's a different scenario when one partner changes (becomes more religious) after marriage either husband or wife and it is pretty common and not the same as above.

Lastly, as man much of the responsibility of marriage in Islam is upon you:

1. You are responsible for changing
2. You are responsible for supporting (physically, emotionally and financially)

Much of the obligation is upon the man.

 

[Suleiman]

​

Again, it is either not possible or extremely difficult to change someone! Love has nothing to do with it.

At the very least, people change at their pace.

Don't marry someone thinking, hoping or planning to change her.

It's a different scenario when one partner changes (becomes more religious) after marriage either husband or wife and it is pretty common and not the same as above.

Lastly, as man much of the responsibility of marriage in Islam is upon you:

1. You are responsible for changing
2. You are responsible for supporting (physically, emotionally and financially)

Much of the obligation is upon the man.

Yep, that’s what I said too. If you marry someone who clearly doesn’t want to fulfill an Islamic obligation that you want from your partner, then don’t proceed.

Likewise if by her right she is holding you accountable for a right given to her from Allah from you as a Muslim man, and you are resisting, then you definitely need to look in the mirror as well.

No point in marrying if one has zero introspection and is willing to correct others but is blind to their own flaws. That’s just narcissism, one of the worst traits you can take into marriage.

 

[LordJames]

Note to Young Muslim Brothers:

I have been debating to write this on this forum for a few days because the wife which this is regarding, does read this forum sometimes. Hopefully, she won't read this

My mother is over 80+, and her memory and physical skills are diminishing, she speaks English but is not fluent and her hearing is bad. The wife which this is regarding doesn't know Urdu.

My mother cannot trim her nails so she has regular appointments about it. Something happened and her appointment got cancelled and I wasn't home.

My wife always insists on trimming her nails but my mother doesn't let her.

I wasn't home and because of the appointment cancellation my wife insisted and trimmed my mother's nail so when I came home she was in the middle of it.

I didn't ask her to do any of this.

So when I saw my wife serving my mother:

1. What do you think my mental reaction was?
2. What sort of impact do you think these actions have on a relationship?

???

@sweep_shot @finalfantasy7 @Suleiman @ElRaja @KingKhanWC @ahsan17 @DeadlyVenom

 

[sweep_shot]

Note to Young Muslim Brothers:

I have been debating to write this on this forum for a few days because the wife which this is regarding, does read this forum sometimes. Hopefully, she won't read this

My mother is over 80+, and her memory and physical skills are diminishing, she speaks English but is not fluent and her hearing is bad. The wife which this is regarding doesn't know Urdu.

My mother cannot trim her nails so she has regular appointments about it. Something happened and her appointment got cancelled and I wasn't home.

My wife always insists on trimming her nails but my mother doesn't let her.

I wasn't home and because of the appointment cancellation my wife insisted and trimmed my mother's nail so when I came home she was in the middle of it.

I didn't ask her to do any of this.

So when I saw my wife serving my mother:

1. What do you think my mental reaction was?
2. What sort of impact do you think these actions have on a relationship?

???

@sweep_shot @finalfantasy7 @Suleiman @ElRaja @KingKhanWC @ahsan17 @DeadlyVenom

SubhanAllah.

Great gesture from the wife. A lady with a good heart.

 

[Varun]

When we met each other in a 3rd country, we married in the next 30 minutes.​

This sort of stuff should be banned.

The auntie brigade will always want to rush things to do their one and a half days of showing off in their sarees and jewelry.

You're the one who needs to live with said spouse for the better part of a half century. Take your time getting to know the person before committing.

 

[LordJames]

This sort of stuff should be banned.

The auntie brigade will always want to rush things to do their one and a half days of showing off in their sarees and jewelry.

You're the one who needs to live with said spouse for the better part of a half century. Take your time getting to know the person before committing.

Never worn a Saree in her life and hardly has no jewellery. There were no "aunties" involved, happy for a very long time with no issues whatsoever.

You and I have two different worldviews, to us (me and my wife) the binding glue was and is Islam otherwise we are from two different cultures, ethnicities, languages, habits, cooking etc

I am more happy with her due to Islam being the commonality then I would have been if I spent 5 years with someone and had lots of common factors (culture, likes/dislikes, clothing, food, social norms etc).

SubhanAllah.

Great gesture from the wife. A lady with a good heart.

What I am trying to convey is that relationships need to be worked on and both husband and wife recognize kindness and respond to it.

 

[pakistani pride]

HAHAHA the ones married will understand....

 

[Suleiman]

This sort of stuff should be banned.

The auntie brigade will always want to rush things to do their one and a half days of showing off in their sarees and jewelry.

You're the one who needs to live with said spouse for the better part of a half century. Take your time getting to know the person before committing.

You’re right in the sense that this does happen.

However this sort of behavior was far more common in the previous decades than it is now and it’s because the younger gen wants to know the other first before they tie the knot. They know what it’s like to grow up with parents who don’t connect at any level and are far more outspoken than their parents, and their parents when it comes to compatibility.

Ofc it still does happen, but no way near prevalent than it used to be.

Typical arranged marriage these days is your parents or aunt have a friend who has a daughter / son, they ask you and if you are open they either put you in contact with the approval of both families or meet in person with both families present and now you’re in the “get to know you stage” for the next few days / weeks / months before coming to a decision just like if you met the girl / guy yourself organically in school, work etc, but ofc for Muslims there’s no complete isolation of the two unless marriage. More like… controlled isolation.

 

[Suleiman]

You’re right in the sense that this does happen.

However this sort of behavior was far more common in the previous decades than it is now and it’s because the younger gen wants to know the other first before they tie the knot. They know what it’s like to grow up with parents who don’t connect at any level and are far more outspoken than their parents, and their parents when it comes to compatibility.

Ofc it still does happen, but no way near prevalent than it used to be.

Typical arranged marriage these days is your parents or aunt have a friend who has a daughter / son, they ask you and if you are open they either put you in contact with the approval of both families or meet in person with both families present and now you’re in the “get to know you stage” for the next few days / weeks / months before coming to a decision just like if you met the girl / guy yourself organically in school, work etc, but ofc for Muslims there’s no complete isolation of the two unless marriage. More like… controlled isolation.

*until marriage

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Note to Young Muslim Brothers:

I have been debating to write this on this forum for a few days because the wife which this is regarding, does read this forum sometimes. Hopefully, she won't read this

My mother is over 80+, and her memory and physical skills are diminishing, she speaks English but is not fluent and her hearing is bad. The wife which this is regarding doesn't know Urdu.

My mother cannot trim her nails so she has regular appointments about it. Something happened and her appointment got cancelled and I wasn't home.

My wife always insists on trimming her nails but my mother doesn't let her.

I wasn't home and because of the appointment cancellation my wife insisted and trimmed my mother's nail so when I came home she was in the middle of it.

I didn't ask her to do any of this.

So when I saw my wife serving my mother:

1. What do you think my mental reaction was?
2. What sort of impact do you think these actions have on a relationship?

???

@sweep_shot @finalfantasy7 @Suleiman @ElRaja @KingKhanWC @ahsan17 @DeadlyVenom

You have subtly told us you have multiple wives

 

[Varun]

You have subtly told us you have multiple wives

Wait what?

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Wait what?

The brother said

"The wife which this is regarding doesn't know Urdu."

Maybe I misunderstood but it sounds like there are others that do know Urdu.

 

[LordJames]

You have subtly told us you have multiple wives

Wait what?

Those are irrelevant details to this thread and not related to what I am trying to convey.

 

[Stewie]

The answer is not the same for everyone. It will never be.

 

[LordJames]

The answer is not the same for everyone. It will never be.​

But answer for a given demographic can be "similar" and this thread is for "Muslims" and for people who want to elevate their identity along religious lines instead of ethnic, cultural or nationalist grounds.

Some Good friends of mine, for example:​

1. African American: Married a Bangladeshi Sister when he was visiting Bangladesh who wasn't fluent in English, they are both now in US with kids​
2. African American: Married a African Sister when he was visiting Africa on Dawah and not in the US​
3. European Muslim:Married to an Arab and language was a major issue in the beginning but both happy and kids are happy​

There is nothing wrong with the choice of others who don't take this path but in my experience the glue of Islam holds stronger then culture.​

 

[KingKhanWC]

Note to Young Muslim Brothers:

I have been debating to write this on this forum for a few days because the wife which this is regarding, does read this forum sometimes. Hopefully, she won't read this

My mother is over 80+, and her memory and physical skills are diminishing, she speaks English but is not fluent and her hearing is bad. The wife which this is regarding doesn't know Urdu.

My mother cannot trim her nails so she has regular appointments about it. Something happened and her appointment got cancelled and I wasn't home.

My wife always insists on trimming her nails but my mother doesn't let her.

I wasn't home and because of the appointment cancellation my wife insisted and trimmed my mother's nail so when I came home she was in the middle of it.

I didn't ask her to do any of this.

So when I saw my wife serving my mother:

1. What do you think my mental reaction was?
2. What sort of impact do you think these actions have on a relationship?

???

@sweep_shot @finalfantasy7 @Suleiman @ElRaja @KingKhanWC @ahsan17 @DeadlyVenom

There should only be one conclusion, your wife follows the explicit command of God given in the Quran .


“For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” 17:23

It’s still nice to read , stay blessed inshallah

 

[LordJames]

There should only be one conclusion, your wife follows the explicit command of God given in the Quran .


“For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” 17:23

It’s still nice to read , stay blessed inshallah

Its not her Parents though and command is not for her but for me regarding my mother.


There is no Islamic obligation or duty on a wife to take care of her husband's parents

 

[Suleiman]

There should only be one conclusion, your wife follows the explicit command of God given in the Quran .


“For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” 17:23

It’s still nice to read , stay blessed inshallah

She’s actually doing supplementary action here.

It’s compulsory on us to look after our own parents, but for our spouses to look after our parents? Especially without us saying anything?

That’s next level and may Allah bless this marriage for our brother LJ.

Edit: looks like he already replied to you, was typing this post before he posted his.

 

[LordJames]

British Pakistani Brother

A good friend of mine, hardcore Liverpool fan, married to a Pakistani girl from his village, told me that when he got married he told her (something like that):​

1. I like Football, I love Liverpool​
2. Roti cannot be eaten or served cold​
3. Something else, which is censored​

Said that after 15+ years of marriage, she is the best thing that has happened to her and he doesn't deserve her. Told me that many in UK call these women "imports" and made fun of me but marrying her is the best decision I ever made.

Also said that sure her English is weak and she still doesn't know the outside world really works but I didn't marry her to be my secretary so I don't really care...

He was visiting Pakistan, met her and got engaged and then married.​

 

[KingKhanWC]

Its not her Parents though and command is not for her but for me regarding my mother.


There is no Islamic obligation or duty on a wife to take care of her husband's parents

I appreciate that if taken more literally , wouldn’t disagree but I think also points to treating very elderly folk esp any family with kindness. A muslim should always treat any elderly of any faith with kindness . Ie you don’t live with one but you may help any elderly lady on the bus or with shopping.

I think it would be a worry if one’s wife didn’t care for an elderly person in the household.

 

[KingKhanWC]

British Pakistani Brother

A good friend of mine, hardcore Liverpool fan, married to a Pakistani girl from his village, told me that when he got married he told her (something like that):​

1. I like Football, I love Liverpool​
2. Roti cannot be eaten or served cold​
3. Something else, which is censored​

Said that after 15+ years of marriage, she is the best thing that has happened to her and he doesn't deserve her. Told me that many in UK call these women "imports" and made fun of me but marrying her is the best decision I ever made.

Also said that sure her English is weak and she still doesn't know the outside world really works but I didn't marry her to be my secretary so I don't really care...

He was visiting Pakistan, met her and got engaged and then married.​

A good attitude. People who want to be positive, aren’t too fussy and happy with what’s on offer usually last .

There’s no such thing as one true love , as long as you’re goals and objectives align , with a good mental connection, make it work .

Or she’s a Man Utd fan and he wants someone to laugh at daily .

 

[Suleiman]

I appreciate that if taken more literally , wouldn’t disagree but I think also points to treating very elderly folk esp any family with kindness. A muslim should always treat any elderly of any faith with kindness . Ie you don’t live with one but you may help any elderly lady on the bus or with shopping.

I think it would be a worry if one’s wife didn’t care for an elderly person in the household.

What you are saying is just, and mentioned by the Prophet PBUH as well

Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever does not show mercy to our young ones, or acknowledge the rights of our elders, he is not one of us.”

Source: Sunan Abī Dāwūd 4943

 

[LordJames]

I appreciate that if taken more literally , wouldn’t disagree but I think also points to treating very elderly folk esp any family with kindness. A muslim should always treat any elderly of any faith with kindness . Ie you don’t live with one but you may help any elderly lady on the bus or with shopping.

I think it would be a worry if one’s wife didn’t care for an elderly person in the household.

Absolutely right.

Husband and wife get older too and have all sorts of Health problems and issues.

 

[LordJames]

The Story of Princess Rahmah (RA):​

In Islam, one of the most handsome men Allah Ta'ala ever created was Prophet Yusuf (AS). Princess Rahmah (RA) was the daughter of Meesha who was the daughter of Prophet Yusuf (AS).

Princess Rahmah (RA) was most beautiful and grew up in the lap of luxury and comfort as an Egyptian Princess, she married Prophet Ayub (AS) a Prophet was rich with vast farms and estate so continued to live in a life of utter luxury and comfort.

Then Shaytaan (Devil) tested Prophet Ayyub (AS) and their:

1. Farms were destroyed
2. Estate was destroyed
3. Roof of teh house colapsed killing all the children
4. Prophey Ayyub (AS) was afflicted with a disease which made his flesh rot and smell was intolerable so he was exiled out of Town

Princess Rahmah (RA) served her husband with his rotten flesh for 18 years until she was weak and exhausted and then Shaytaan (Devil) gave up on her husband and came to her and tried to mislead her multiple times

He told her "Are you not the one who was pretty Princess and look what has happened to you? Let me get you married to a noblemen because I feel Sorry for you".

Throughout the whole ordeal, this woman never gave up on her husband.

​

 

[finalfantasy7]

I appreciate that if taken more literally , wouldn’t disagree but I think also points to treating very elderly folk esp any family with kindness. A muslim should always treat any elderly of any faith with kindness . Ie you don’t live with one but you may help any elderly lady on the bus or with shopping.

I think it would be a worry if one’s wife didn’t care for an elderly person in the household.

fully agree with this

 

[sweep_shot]

I think it would be a worry if one’s wife didn’t care for an elderly person in the household.

Yup.

Anyone who doesn't show kindness to an elderly person clearly does not have a good heart.

 

[Varun]

Those are irrelevant details to this thread and not related to what I am trying to convey.

Which means you have at least two wives!

Haha - good for you!

 

[TM Riddle]

Got married last year (arranged one as is the norm in this part of the world) and honestly I consider myself lucky. She’s rooted in her culture and takes pride in it rather than mindlessly aping the West, which sadly seems to have become the norm these days. That sense of grounding and self-respect is rare and it’s something I truly value.

 

[Hikaru]

In my dating life, the biggest quality I look for is how I feel around that person. The more relaxed I am, the more I'll value that relationship. Can't stand insecure women who turn every moment into a living hell.

 

[LordJames]

Hypothetical Response

Which means you have at least two wives!

Haha - good for you!

Muslim men with Multiple Wives:

In real life, it isn't about sex because when someone has multiple wives it often comes with baggage

1. Your own Kids (with her)
2. Her kids (with someone else)
3. Sibling Rivalries multiplied because all of sudden the siblings get an attitude towards step Brothers/Sisters for no apparent reason
4. Maintaining and financing multiple households
5. Maintaining multiple different In-Laws
6. Everything you do is under a constant Microscope from:
   1. Non-Muslims: Who think that you are the sole reason for everything wrong in this world and you are the principle example of what is wrong with Islam
   2. "Practicing" Muslims: Because they know that you should treat them "equally" so they come with up all kinds of snarky comments about your car, your money, your lunch, your food, time you spend with friends
   3. "Normal" and Younger Muslims: Think that you are having sex 24/7 and younger brothers grin and smile when they meet you etc.
   4. Community: Having multiple wives becomes your identity so you are longer Br XYZ but the Brother with "2 Wives"
   5. Aunties/Women: Think that you are some sort of sex Maniac! And have STD so all contact is avoided, women literally change directions when they see you and they HATE YOU.

In reality, it is exhausting, draining and stressful so I am told by others

Therefore overwhelming majority of Muslims tell as little amount of people as possible!

@DeadlyVenom