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Funny Jokes Thread

Why was the Pakistani Cricket Team the last team to get a website?

They couldn't put together three W's in a row.
 
ADHD (Attention deficit syndrome) is a common conditon in this country and I think I have the symptoms of ADHD

When I talk my wife never pays attention
 
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the **** do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I (the F word) have 1 at home already!!!
 
1451436_628751110500883_129450899_n.jpg


I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said “Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.

The voice said “So what are you up to?”.

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.

From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.

The voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
 
Training k doraan 1 0fficer ney sipahi se poocha " Ya hath main kaya hai… "

Rab nawaz : Sir ya bandook hai …

0fficer : ya bandook nai tumhari izaat hai tumhari maa hai maa…

The 0fficer asks the same question to next Pathan sipahi…. "Tumhary hath main kaya hai…."

Pathan : Sir ya rab nawaz ki ammi hai aur humari khala hai

Bro did you took that joke from this videohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vIGwBFI_pA
 
A big, burly man visited the home of a wealthy woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the lady. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
 
A man was asked which of the radio and a newspaper is the better one. After thinking deep about it, he answered....

"Newspaper. You can´t pack a roti in a radio."
 
*Afridi's wife calls to the stadium when the match is going on*
Afridi's Wife-"Can I talk to Afridi?"
Groundsman-"I am sorry but he just went to bat."
Afridi's Wife-"No problem,I will wait for a minute."


*5 easy steps to cook noodles*
1-Put some water in the pan.
2-Boil the water.
3-Add noodles into it.
4-Switch on the TV and watch Afridi's batting,while the noodles are on the pan.
5-After Afridi's batting is over,check the noodles.They are ready! YUM!
:))) :)) :91:
First one id damn funny :))

Second one is lame :afridi
 
Why don't women in New Zealand wear lipstick?

Because they have Iphones.
 
Pathan ne Ghar ka Darwaza ukhara or
kandhe pe rakh k Bazar me gya.:
1 Admi ne poucha: khan,
Kia Drwaza Bechna hy?
Pathan:Nhi Tala Khulwana hai.
Chabi gum ho gye hai.
Hanso mat
Joke abhi aaghe hai
.
.
.
.
Admi pathn se: Agar ghar mai chor ghus
gay to..?
Pathan:Andar kesy jai ga drwaza to
humare pas hy...
 
I heard one joke from one of my elder brothers a few years ago. Can I post this joke here? It is kind of adult joke....but funny
 
This joke is based on all the crimes going on in Pakistan and there seem to be hardly any investigation and I have never heard of an arrest being made.
So police chiefs of England, India, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan were invited to America to discuss how the crimes are solved and how long it takes to apprehend criminals in their respective countries.
First the American chief of police came on and said that we have very sophisticated systems put in place with security cameras, FBI, central finger prints match and a federally connected computer systems and we usually solve the crimes in few days.
Chief from England basically said the same thing that that they have Interpol, Scotland yard and all the electronic devices and they solve the crime in a week or so
Chief from Saudi said that we may not have all the sophisticated devices but we do one thing and if we catch a thief we cut their hands and there are lots of men in our country without hands so we must be doing something right.
Chief from India said that we are lacking all the resources and with our population it takes us a long time months and may be years but eventually we solve most of the crimes
Now all eyes were on The Pakistani chief who was dozing off in the corner, so they wake him up and the Indian guy sarcastically asked so my friend how many years it takes you guys to solve a crime or does it take decades, Pakistani Chief got upset and said what do you mean how many years? Ok so how many months again the same reply what to you mean?
Ok so how long does it take you guys to solve the crimes?
NO TIME AT ALL WE KNOW ABOUT IT 10 DAYS BEFORE WHERE THE CRIME IS GOING TO HAPPEN
 
very old but still funny..

Why was 10 afraid of 7?
because 789...pronounced seven ate nine..
 
some funny facts..

If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT,
Why are whales FAT ?

Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT,
called a STAND ? :afridi

Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN,
but nobody wants to DIE.

Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess...
As the WHITE piece is moved FIRST.

In our country,
We have FREEDOM of SPEECH,
Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ? :yk

If money doesn't grow on TREES,
then why do banks have BRANCHES ?

Why doesn't GLUE
stick to its BOTTLE ?

Why do you still call it a BUILDING,
when its already BUILT ? :yk2:

If its true that we are here to HELP others,
What are others HERE for ? :)))

If you arent supposed to DRINK and DRIVE...
Why do bars have PARKING lots ?


If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt,
Were Did All The Money Go ?

When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste,
Who Tests It ?

If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash,
Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..? :13:

Who Copyrighted
The Copyright Symbol..?

Why Do People Say "You've Been Working Like A Dog",
When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day ?
 
Why was there a massive crowd at the Indian hospitals?
The people wanted to get a heart transplant and make their heart bigger.:afridi
:yk
 
A Sikh mate told me this joke "what do you call a Muslim inbetween two houses...Ali(alley)" lol I guess that isn't really offensive is it?
 
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.


He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.


The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.
 
A Sikh mate told me this joke "what do you call a Muslim inbetween two houses...Ali(alley)" lol I guess that isn't really offensive is it?

It is offensive because of how bad it is.
 
Wife: "Look, he is late again. He is probably having an affair."

Mother-in-law: "Why think so negative? It might be the case that he is hit by a truck."
 
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.


He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.


The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

:)) Well played.
 
It is offensive because of how bad it is.
yeh I kno...When the guy said the joke I was like -_-
considering the level of the insults said before...we were having a real offensive show down in a cruel joke sense...If I mentioned some of the things said, I'd definitely get banned permanently.
 
Saw this on Twiter:

(Harry Potter) Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking?

Bcause it was making him Moody :)) :)) :))
 
Boy:*kneels down on one knee*.
girl:w-what are y-you doing *blushes like crazy*.
boy:*looks up nd smiles* Ive been wanting to do this for a long time..
girl:*blushes more*.
boy:*ties shoelace*....
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Jignessbhai, look who's trying to teach the Patel brothers about business!"

Sent from my SM-G925I
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Jignessbhai, look who's trying to teach the Patel brothers about business!"

Sent from my SM-G925I

:))) cool one bro.
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Jignessbhai, look who's trying to teach the Patel brothers about business!"

Sent from my SM-G925I

Brilliant :)))
 
Boy:*kneels down on one knee*.
girl:w-what are y-you doing *blushes like crazy*.
boy:*looks up nd smiles* Ive been wanting to do this for a long time..
girl:*blushes more*.
boy:*ties shoelace*....

finally something useful by Firefarter :))) speaking from his experience :)))

note [MENTION=47617]Red Devil[/MENTION] [MENTION=46929]shaz619[/MENTION] [MENTION=23911]Moh@n[/MENTION] [MENTION=134789]maddgenius[/MENTION]
 
A Sardar Jee went to his home after his Doctors appointment and went straight in the kitchen where he opened a jar, closed it and left. His wife saw this but didn't say anything.
Sardar Jee repeats this everyday. His wife finally asks what is the reason behind him opening and closing the jar everyday.
Sardar Jee replies "Doctor told me to check my Sugar daily"

:))) :)))
 
A man buys a lie detector robot that would slap the liar. He takes it home and decides to put it to test.

He asks his son what he had been doing all evening, and the son replies, "I have been at my friend's place doing homework". The robot slaps the son.

Then the son admits that he and his friend had been watching movies and the father asks what kind.

The son replies. "Disney Cartoons", and the robot slaps him again.

The son finally admits that he and his friend had been watching "Dirty Stuff".

The father replies, "When I was of your age, I did not even know what 'dirty stuff' meant'". The robot slaps the father.

The man's wife who had been watching all this laughs and says, "After all he is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Now there is a lie detecting and slapping robot for sale, cheap!
 
ایک پہلوان نے 10 سوکھے لیموں نچوڑ کر پورا ایک گلاس جوس نکال لیا....لوگ حیرت سے اسے دیکھتے رہے....اس کے بعد اس نے لوگوں کو چیلنج کیا کہ کوئی ہے جو 20 لیموں نچوڑ کر بھی اتنا جوس نکال سکے جتنا اسنے 10 لیموں سے نکالا ہے...لوگ خاموش رہے..کوئی آگے نہیں بڑھا...سوائے ایک آدمی کے...اس آدمی نے پہلوان سے کہا میں تمہارا چیلنج قبول کرتا ہوں...میں 20 لیموں سے نہیں...بلکہ صرف 10 لیموں سے ہی اتنا جوس نکالوں گا...اور ہاں لیموں بھی وہ جس سے تم پہلے ہی نچوڑ کے سارا رس نکال چکے ہو...سارا مجمع اسے پاگل سمجھنے لگا...پہلوان بھی اسے حیرت سے دیکھنے لگا...اور لوگوں کو نہایت حیرت اس وقت ہوئی جب اس شخص نے یہ معجزہ کر کے دکھا دیا....ان سوکھے ہوئے 10 لیموں سے ایک گلاس رس اور نکال کے دکھایا...
پہلوان کا منہ کھلے کا کھلا رہ گیا...
اس نے حیرت سے پوچھا "بھائی! تم بھی پہلوان ہو ؟"
وہ آدمی بولا
"نہیں....میں اسحاق ڈار ہوں"

??
 
A Pakistani, a Indian and a Philipino in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of whisky, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them.They were sentenced jail term with each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their lashes punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my 4th wife’s birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you, one wish before your whipping.”So the Philipino guy thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: “Please fix two pillows on my back”. But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before they went through gain.
Before the Pakistani fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “just because of Saudi relations with Nawaz Shareef you can have 2 wishes instead of one” Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, the Pakistani replied. “My first wish is: “I would like to have 40 lashes instead of 20.”
“If you so desire”, the Sheikh replies with questioning look on face, “and your second wish?” “Tie the Indian to my back”, the Pakistani answered.
 
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them. :)))
 
A Pakistani, a Indian and a Philipino in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of whisky, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them.They were sentenced jail term with each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their lashes punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my 4th wife’s birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you, one wish before your whipping.”So the Philipino guy thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: “Please fix two pillows on my back”. But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before they went through gain.
Before the Pakistani fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “just because of Saudi relations with Nawaz Shareef you can have 2 wishes instead of one” Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, the Pakistani replied. “My first wish is: “I would like to have 40 lashes instead of 20.”
“If you so desire”, the Sheikh replies with questioning look on face, “and your second wish?” “Tie the Indian to my back”, the Pakistani answered.

:))) lol that is really hilarious.
 
A man once went into a Pet store and there was a parrot with a string attached to each of its legs. Intrigued the man asked what they were for.

The Shopkeeper said "Well if you pull the right string the parrot says Hello and if you pull the left it says Bye.

The man inspired then asked what would happen if he pulled both strings at the same time.

Parrot : I'll fall off you moron!


Probably belongs in the silly jokes thread.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
 
A Pakistani, a Indian and a Philipino in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of whisky, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them.They were sentenced jail term with each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their lashes punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my 4th wife’s birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you, one wish before your whipping.”So the Philipino guy thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: “Please fix two pillows on my back”. But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before they went through gain.
Before the Pakistani fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “just because of Saudi relations with Nawaz Shareef you can have 2 wishes instead of one” Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, the Pakistani replied. “My first wish is: “I would like to have 40 lashes instead of 20.”
“If you so desire”, the Sheikh replies with questioning look on face, “and your second wish?” “Tie the Indian to my back”, the Pakistani answered.

:))) :)))
[MENTION=46929]shaz619[/MENTION] [MENTION=47617]Red Devil[/MENTION] :)))
 
[MENTION=137419]dashing_man[/MENTION] FB just said your life is the biggest joke :)))
 
did you skip your Vitamins again :irfan
FB didn't quote or tagged anyone which only states he was talking about his life

Never mind the Vitamins, I think you forgot your brain :afridi but how could you forget it if you actually had one in the first place :yk

Am pretty sure it was directed at you, you just mad cuz you know it's true :yk2
 
A Pakistani, a Indian and a Philipino in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of whisky, when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them.They were sentenced jail term with each receiving 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their lashes punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my 4th wife’s birthday today, and she asked me to allow each one of you, one wish before your whipping.”So the Philipino guy thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Indian guy, watching the scene, said: “Please fix two pillows on my back”. But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before they went through gain.
Before the Pakistani fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “just because of Saudi relations with Nawaz Shareef you can have 2 wishes instead of one” Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, the Pakistani replied. “My first wish is: “I would like to have 40 lashes instead of 20.”
“If you so desire”, the Sheikh replies with questioning look on face, “and your second wish?” “Tie the Indian to my back”, the Pakistani answered.

lololol :)))
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
 
<blockquote class="twitter-video" lang="en-gb"><p lang="und" dir="ltr">me <a href="https://t.co/OrAOt4tzyn">pic.twitter.com/OrAOt4tzyn</a></p>— Anas (@Saka1410) <a href="https://twitter.com/Saka1410/status/684882335385415680">January 6, 2016</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en-gb"><p lang="und" dir="ltr">me <a href="https://t.co/OrAOt4tzyn">pic.twitter.com/OrAOt4tzyn</a></p>— Anas (@Saka1410) <a href="https://twitter.com/Saka1410/status/684882335385415680">January 6, 2016</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
 
had a friend who was riding his motorbike, skidded and went straight through the plate glass window of an Indian restaurant.
...
Thankfully he made a full recovery after spending some time in a Korma.
 
> CLASSIC VERSION of The Ant and the Grasshopper
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
> long, building his
> house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
> grasshopper thinks he's
> a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
> away.
>
> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The
> grasshopper has no food
> or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
>
>
> MODERN VERSION
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
> house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
> he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
> away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press
> conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and
> well fed while others are cold and starving.
> > CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
> shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his
> comfortable home with table filled with food.
>
> America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it
> be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
> allowed to suffer so?>
> Then a representative of the NAGB (National
> Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green
> bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30
> million years of greenism.
> > Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
> and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
> > Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest
> appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they
> will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been
> denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited
> unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the
> "Temperatures of the 80's."
> > Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter
> Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
> and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
> "fair share."
> Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and
> Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant
> is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
> and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
> confiscated by the government.
> > Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the
> grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried
> before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of
> single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between
> 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.
> > The ant loses the case.
> > The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up
> the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in,
> which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since
> he doesn't know how to maintain it.
> > The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV,
> which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food,
> they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group
> of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in
> America.

This analogy is so bad and wrong. First of all it would be like the ants forced all the government to rig the rules so they could steal all of the grasshoppers food, and on top of that force the grasshoppper to work for him because if he works hard he can be any knowing full well that's a lie because the grasshoppers have to pay whatever they earn to the government who in turn gives it back to the ants and the ants don't have to pay anything.
 
A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle. One day, the beagle decides to explore this new land and eventually finds himself lost. Wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack.
Worried, the beagle thinks, “Oh no, what am I going to do?” Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and being as clever as he is, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another.”
Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees.
“Whew,” says the tiger. “That was close. That beagle nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, come along and see what I’m going to do to that conniving canine.”
Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says: “Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off a while ago to bring me another tiger.”
 
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a remote area in the country. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with her big, strong horse named Buddy. She hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t budge. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer casually said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most grateful and very curious. He asked the farmer why she had called her horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one puling, he wouldn’t even try!”
 
A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any ’gators around here?”
“Naw,” the man hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!”
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the ’gators?”
“We didn’t do anything,” said the beachcomber.
“The sharks got ’em.”
 
A lady goes into a pet store one day. “I’m really lonely,” she says to the clerk. “I need a pet to keep me company.”

“Well,” replies the clerk, “how about this nice parrot? He’ll talk to you.”
“Hey, that’s great,” says the lady. She buys the parrot and takes him home. The next day the lady comes back to the pet store. “You know, that parrot isn’t talking to me yet,” she says.
“Hmm, let’s see,” says the clerk. “I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He’ll climb the ladder, and then he’ll talk.” So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder. The next day she comes back again.
“Hey, that parrot still hasn’t said a word,” she says to the pet-store clerk.
He thinks a minute. “How about this little mirror?” he says. “You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, and then he’ll talk to you.”
“Okay,” she says, and buys the little mirror and goes home. But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. “Well, I’m getting a bit discouraged,” she says. “That parrot still won’t talk to me.”
The clerk scratches his head. “Let me think. Aha! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!”
“All right, I’ll give it a try,” says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home. The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is very distressed.
“What’s wrong?” asks the clerk.
“My parrot … well, he died,” she answers quietly.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for your loss!” exclaims the clerk. “But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?”
“Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died,” she replies.
“Well, what did he say?” asks the clerk.
The lady replies, “He said, ‘Doesn’t that store carry any food?’”
 
A lady goes into a pet store one day. “I’m really lonely,” she says to the clerk. “I need a pet to keep me company.”

“Well,” replies the clerk, “how about this nice parrot? He’ll talk to you.”
“Hey, that’s great,” says the lady. She buys the parrot and takes him home. The next day the lady comes back to the pet store. “You know, that parrot isn’t talking to me yet,” she says.
“Hmm, let’s see,” says the clerk. “I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He’ll climb the ladder, and then he’ll talk.” So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder. The next day she comes back again.
“Hey, that parrot still hasn’t said a word,” she says to the pet-store clerk.
He thinks a minute. “How about this little mirror?” he says. “You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, and then he’ll talk to you.”
“Okay,” she says, and buys the little mirror and goes home. But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. “Well, I’m getting a bit discouraged,” she says. “That parrot still won’t talk to me.”
The clerk scratches his head. “Let me think. Aha! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!”
“All right, I’ll give it a try,” says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home. The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is very distressed.
“What’s wrong?” asks the clerk.
“My parrot … well, he died,” she answers quietly.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for your loss!” exclaims the clerk. “But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?”
“Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died,” she replies.
“Well, what did he say?” asks the clerk.
The lady replies, “He said, ‘Doesn’t that store carry any food?’”
 
PRINCIPAL: Esmé, did you really call your teacher a meanie?
ESMÉ: Yes, I did.
PRINCIPAL: And is it true you called her a wicked old witch?
ESMÉ: Yes, it is.
PRINCIPAL: And did you also call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?
ESMÉ: No, but I’ll remember that for next time!
 
TEACHER: Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
TOMMY: Because there were so many knights.
 
BOY: Isn’t our principal stupid?
GIRL: Hey, do you know who I am?
BOY: No, why should I?
GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter.
BOY: Do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!
 
BOY: Isn’t our principal stupid?
GIRL: Hey, do you know who I am?
BOY: No, why should I?
GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter.
BOY: Do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!
 
BOY: Isn’t our principal stupid?
GIRL: Hey, do you know who I am?
BOY: No, why should I?
GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter.
BOY: Do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY: Thank goodness!

 
STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an
elephant inside a fridge?
TEACHER: I don't know.
STUDENT: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in. I have
another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How to put a donkey
inside the fridge?
TEACHER: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in.
STUDENT: No sir, You just open the
fridge take out the elephant and put
it in.
TEACHER: Ooh...ok!!
STUDENT: Let me ask another one. If
all the animals went to the lion's
birthday party, and one animal went
missing which one would it be?
TEACHER: The lion of course!
Because it wud eat all the animals.
STUDENT: No sir, it is the donkey
becoz it's still inside the fridge.
TEACHER: Are you kidding me?
STUDENT: No sir, 1 last question.
TEACHER: Ok!
STUDENT: If there's a river full of
crocodiles and you wanted to cross,
how would you?
TEACHER: There's no way, I would
need a boat to cross.
STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and
cross it because all the
animals went to the lion's birthday
party.

Sent from my GT-P3100 using Tapatalk
 
Charlie came home drunk one night, collapsed into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. When he awoke he was standing in front of the Pearly Gates where St Peter said,
“You died in your sleep, Charlie.”
Charlie was shocked. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send
me back!” St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”

Charlie was devastated but begged St Peter to send him to a farm somewhere
near his home. The next thing he knew he was in a farmyard, covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground. A cock strolled past. “So, you’re the new
hen, eh? How’s it going?” “Not bad,” replied Charlie, “but I have
this odd feeling inside. Like I’m going to explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the cock.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” said Charlie.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the cock. “It’s no big deal.”
Charlie did as the cock said and a few very uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg. Charlie was overwhelmed as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He soon laid another egg, and then another.
His joy was overwhelming.
Just he was about to lay his fourth egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and
heard his wife shout, “For ****’s sake, Charlie! Wake up you drunken *******.
You’ve shat the bed!”

:))):)))
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work... Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

Lol
 
Sardar ji was at a shop when he noticed a funeral. Two coffins, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in behind them in one row.

Curious, Sardar ji went up to the man following the coffins and asked who was in the first one.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Sardar ji. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Sardar ji was taken aback. "And who's in the second coffin?"

"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

Sardar asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
 
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