Old age and elderly care homes

[KingKhanWC]

Would you put your parents in an old age or elderly care home or would you prefer to keep them at home and look after them?

Not if they require specialist medical attention but in general when they are old.

I see this is very normal in some cultures and a big taboo in others.

Personally, never. I think abandoning your parents, getting a stranger to make their food and look after them is wrong.

 

[DeadBall]

It's very easy to say but the ever increasingly busy life we lead it would be really hard to come back home tired after a longs day work and then "make their food" and "look after them" Not to mention giving attention to your wife and kids (assuming you have them).

In the end it is all subjective I have seen many a son/daughter come to become intolerable to the aging parents and vice versa where the parent become bitter due to extra expectations. Most of the old people here in Elderly homes are actually doing really well (a couple of Nurses are friend of the family) and have their own programs, mingling with other old people with weekly visits from the children/grandchildren etc.

Everyone has their own personal circumstances plus their culture/beliefs and saying one is better than the other or feeling morally superior by using your parents and what you do for them is quite petty in my opinion.

Just because someone puts their parents in Elderly homes (Quite a few want to live their themselves) doesn't mean they love or respect them any less.

 

[Sirris]

I am not against the idea of having my parents live with me.

However one condition applies: It's my house and my rules just like when I was young it used to be their house and their rules.

Unfortunately such a thinking is not accepted in our culture or society and one is forced to listen to their parents just because they are older irrespective of the merit of their argument.

 

[blackanhyellow]

Similarly,

is leaving your children at the day care while both parents go to work considered abandoning your children?

 

[Gilly]

I don't know anyone that has abandoned their parents but I do know of people that have put their parent or parents in to aged care due to physical and emotional reasons. Looking after a 85yr old person is hard work for a 60yr old person when they have to physically move them to shower and go to the bathroom.

With life expectancy in some countries increasing to 75+ its not uncommon for a 60yr old person to be looking after their parents when they themselves are in need of care.

Having a society that makes it taboo to place a parent in aged care can make life miserable for the carer and the parent when they are forced to care for their parent when they don't have the ability.

 

[KingKhanWC]

I think if you parents took time of out their busy lives to look after you when you was a baby you should do the same for them when they are old.

I just wouldn't be able to trust strangers with my beloved mother or father.

Abuse taking place in 99% of care homes amid 'chronic' underfunding, survey shows

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/...ing-staff-uk-elderly-protection-a8266936.html

 

[KingKhanWC]

Similarly,

is leaving your children at the day care while both parents go to work considered abandoning your children?

A few hours at school or in a controlled environment isn't the same as a permanent move with strangers. Even then I would worry leaving my child with a stranger.

 

[DeadBall]

There are also many instances where parents abused their kids because of the stress or just because they weren't simply able to handle the pressure. Works both ways, I can also link a dozen or so articles.

Even our parents beat us/shouted at us/etc and even we shouted at them at certain moments, doesn't mean that either loved/respect the other any less. This not to even say "uff" to our parents command according to religion is very noble but very impractical in real life.

 

[IgnitedMind]

I also know of old people who want to live in old age homes....as they have company with them , who are in the same place as themselves in their lives. So they get to do stuff together.

Personally, at 28 who has parents in their 50's and are still strong...I really dont know. My concern is to give whats best for them with the situations around then....

 

[KingKhanWC]

I also know of old people who want to live in old age homes....as they have company with them , who are in the same place as themselves in their lives. So they get to do stuff together.

Personally, at 28 who has parents in their 50's and are still strong...I really dont know. My concern is to give whats best for them with the situations around then....

I suppose if someone insists on moving in to one themselves, you have to oblige but many are pressured into moving out because the son/daughter cant be bothered to look after them. Most old people have grand kids, family members or local friends who can keep them entertained.

 

[Pakpak]

I am not against the idea of having my parents live with me.

However one condition applies: It's my house and my rules just like when I was young it used to be their house and their rules.

Unfortunately such a thinking is not accepted in our culture or society and one is forced to listen to their parents just because they are older irrespective of the merit of their argument.

Pretty much this.

As for OP, there is a time when parents need our help and I would never put them in a care home over living with me.

 

[JaDed]

I don't want to judge people who do it as one never knows what happens in future but its heart breaking to see it,although I can understand in western cultures where they expect child to move out at 18,but in Asian cultures where Parents help the child through various times of their life its unfortunate if Asians put their parents in old age home,worst being is the conditions of these old age homes in many parts of my countries where parents are actually abandoned by their Children and do not even donate.

 

[JaDed]

There are also many instances where parents abused their kids because of the stress or just because they weren't simply able to handle the pressure. Works both ways, I can also link a dozen or so articles.

Even our parents beat us/shouted at us/etc and even we shouted at them at certain moments, doesn't mean that either loved/respect the other any less. This not to even say "uff" to our parents command according to religion is very noble but very impractical in real life.

Sadly true as well,they always seem to see it as rosy.

 

[Syed1]

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

 

[Gilly]

I also know of old people who want to live in old age homes....as they have company with them , who are in the same place as themselves in their lives. So they get to do stuff together.

Personally, at 28 who has parents in their 50's and are still strong...I really dont know. My concern is to give whats best for them with the situations around then....

Most people make the decision to put their parent/s into care because they believe that that is the best for them. Its easy for others to say they abandoned their parent/s with little knowledge of the pain and helplessness people feel when making these decisions.

 

[Mr.Q]

To be honest, I find some of the responses here shocking.

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

This might the only post of yours I agree with .

 

[Gilly]

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

I imagine that would be foremost for everyone, but what do you do when your parent suffers from dementia and keep taking their medicine because they don't remember taking it before or they put the kettle on to make a cup of tea and then forget they put the kettle on. 70% of people in aged care in the UK suffer from dementia and require 24hr care, would you quit your job to care for your parents for 15+ years.

 

[Syed1]

I imagine that would be foremost for everyone, but what do you do when your parent suffers from dementia and keep taking their medicine because they don't remember taking it before or they put the kettle on to make a cup of tea and then forget they put the kettle on. 70% of people in aged care in the UK suffer from dementia and require 24hr care, would you quit your job to care for your parents for 15+ years.

In poorer countries like Pakistan there is hired help available. I understand your point though.

 

[Gilly]

In poorer countries like Pakistan there is hired help available. I understand your point though.

Life expectancy in Pakistan is 67 and in the UK life expectancy is 82, the pressure on caring for the aged in the UK is much greater.

 

[DeadBall]

I don't want to judge people who do it as one never knows what happens in future but its heart breaking to see it,although I can understand in western cultures where they expect child to move out at 18,but in Asian cultures where Parents help the child through various times of their life its unfortunate if Asians put their parents in old age home,worst being is the conditions of these old age homes in many parts of my countries where parents are actually abandoned by their Children and do not even donate.

So Western parents don't help their children through various times of their lives? Actually from what I have seen in the "West" the parents are actually more involved and attentive to the children's needs without sending them on a guilt trip or giving them "taanas" for every minor thing. How's that for a generalization.

 

[DeadBall]

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

Too much emotional Desi hyperbole. Your intentions might be good but these dialogues only work in movies. Let's see when you have to clean your parent 6 times a day while you can see the indignity in their eyes (something they don't feel with a professional) when you have to carry them to the bathroom and wipe them off. It's very easy to go overboard online but from someone who has gone through this it is almost impossible.

 

[DeadBall]

In poorer countries like Pakistan there is hired help available. I understand your point though.

How is hiring someone else (who don't know much to begin with, I know because I hired quite a few for my father) in poorer countries different to enrolling them in Elderly Homes so that they can get professional help? Seems like the only thing that matters here is the ego and cultural brainwashing.

 

[shaz619]

Would you put your parents in an old age or elderly care home or would you prefer to keep them at home and look after them?

Not if they require specialist medical attention but in general when they are old.

I see this is very normal in some cultures and a big taboo in others.

Personally, never. I think abandoning your parents, getting a stranger to make their food and look after them is wrong.

It's tough given that we'd have our own family's and responsibilities and am sure their can be disputes with the other half but I'd find a way to make it work, why would one abandon their mother who has sacrificed everything for you? And you may as well classify them as dead to you if they are sent to one of those hell holes called care homes, it's like sending them to the gallows to be honest going by how people treat them like animals. It just doesn't sit well with me regardless getting rid of them in their moment of need or simply because they are too much work, that's just sad.

 

[KingKhanWC]

It's tough given that we'd have our own family's and responsibilities and am sure their can be disputes with the other half but I'd find a way to make it work, why would one abandon their mother who has sacrificed everything for you? And you may as well classify them as dead to you if they are sent to one of those hell holes called care homes, it's like sending them to the gallows to be honest going by how people treat them like animals. It just doesn't sit well with me regardless getting rid of them in their moment of need or simply because they are too much work, that's just sad.

Spot on bro. Sure there are rare instances where it's simply not possible for some to look after their parents, they themselves are ill etc but we both know many who put their parents in these awful places is due to selfishness because they want to have a relaxed and fun life themselves.

I used to work in a sales office, on Xmas day a lady phoned up but didn't want to buy anything. I asked why she called and she told me her daughter was supposed to pick her up for Xmas dinner but called to she can't as her and her hubby had a drink and there were no disabled taxis available in the area. The treatment some parents receive from their children is truly disgusting.

 

[HussainRx8]

I don't want to judge people who do it as one never knows what happens in future but its heart breaking to see it,although I can understand in western cultures where they expect child to move out at 18,but in Asian cultures where Parents help the child through various times of their life its unfortunate if Asians put their parents in old age home,worst being is the conditions of these old age homes in many parts of my countries where parents are actually abandoned by their Children and do not even donate.

What you described is one of the few strengths of Eastern/Asian culture. No matter where Asians are, I hope they proudly retain this part of their culture.

 

[HussainRx8]

I imagine that would be foremost for everyone, but what do you do when your parent suffers from dementia and keep taking their medicine because they don't remember taking it before or they put the kettle on to make a cup of tea and then forget they put the kettle on. 70% of people in aged care in the UK suffer from dementia and require 24hr care, would you quit your job to care for your parents for 15+ years.

Usually, in Asian cultures, you have the liberty of falling back on your extended family. In most cases, family chips in and helps out.

 

[JaDed]

So Western parents don't help their children through various times of their lives? Actually from what I have seen in the "West" the parents are actually more involved and attentive to the children's needs without sending them on a guilt trip or giving them "taanas" for every minor thing. How's that for a generalization.

Not saying they don't,but there is a difference,not saying Asian parents don't give taanas, but have seen desi parents sacrifice much for their children,ofcourse its not like kids asked them to but they have and ofcourse they might guilt you for it but kids should have patience and give in at times,and not at times,children need to be mature as well.

 

[DeadBall]

Usually, in Asian cultures, you have the liberty of falling back on your extended family. In most cases, family chips in and helps out.

Same "liberties" are provided in Western cultures too with family members helping each other out. Albeit in many Asian cases if not handled correctly can lead to conflict and feelings of resentment due to extraordinary expectations and family infighting.

 

[DeadBall]

Not saying they don't,but there is a difference,not saying Asian parents don't give taanas, but have seen desi parents sacrifice much for their children,ofcourse its not like kids asked them to but they have and ofcourse they might guilt you for it but kids should have patience and give in at times,and not at times,children need to be mature as well.

Western parents sacrifice the same if not more and I speak from personal experience. Just because Desi parents tend to remind you of it at every given opportunity doesn't make their sacrifices any better.

In the end the child did not ask to be born and you did it for one reason or the other, reprimanding the kid, taking out your frustrations on them or expecting them to worship you just because you provide and demand respect for something you created is quite egotistical in my opinion.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Western parents sacrifice the same if not more and I speak from personal experience.

Did you have western parents? Or maybe your own experience with desi parents was a bad one, which would make your criticism understandable. My father could be a pain but in the end he did everything for us and didn't really have much of a life for himself so I tend to gloss over his more bossy characteristics.

Care homes are the logical solution in the west where life is geared towards individuals rather than the family unit. Not an easy question with an easy answer. I would imagine there must be desi care homes being set up these days as many British Asians also live a similar lifestyle to the white population but would be uncomfortable putting their parents in a foreign environment.

 

[Mamoon]

Call it Pakistani mentality or whatever, but even the mere thought of dumping my parents in these old homes sends a chill down my spine.

Having the opportunity to take care of your elderly parents, look after them when they need you more than ever is the greatest blessing in life. That is when you will realize that your life is worth something.

People in our society shape their careers in order to be with their parents in their time of need, and that is precisely the reason why I want to return to Pakistan as soon as possible - and go home whenever I get some time off - because my parents are now at an age where they do need me, not physically yet but certainly emotionally.

People who are comparing this to day cares for kids are wrong. You do not dump your kids in day cares and delegate responsibility; you only pay others to take care of them while you are at work.

The equivalent to this would be hiring an attendant to take care of your elderly parents while you are at work, or even to help you take care of them better. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and in fact most people do it if they can afford to.

It all comes down to social and cultural values, and I am very proud of the way eastern people treat their parents in general. I am not judging western values in any way, I would probably have had the same values if I was born and brought up there, but their family values (or lack of) are not my cup of tea.

Furthermore, these same values dictate the attitude of the parents as well. In our society, parents expect you to take care of them when they need you. My father is 65, a heart patient and looks after my 88 year old grandmother, and he will continue to do so as long as he has the strength.

When his time comes and if I ship him off to an old home, he would probably die of grief and sorrow, because he would expect me to do for him what he did for his mother.

On the contrary, western elderly folks do not expect much from their children and are mentally prepared for life in old homes because that was the fate of their parents and their parents before them.

It is not about life expectancy and how much toll it takes on you. It is all about your cultural values, and no matter how old the children themselves get, it is their duty to look after their elderly parents.

Obviously, there are exceptions. They are people in our society who kill their parents over a piece of land, but I am simply talking about the social norms in our society. People can say what they want, but I am more than happy to have grown up with such values.

 

[Hermoine Green]

If one cant take care of them when they need you the most, i think one should just put pistol in this mouth and pull the trigger without even second thought.

Human beings are inherently selfish. We care about our own needs first and foremost and are incapable of ‘unconditional’ love (the only exception are perhaps one’s children due to them continuing the genetic/family line). One can argue that we have been programmed this way for our own survival.

We take care of people only when they have something to offer us in terms of security. E.g.: a healthy spouse.

Anyone else can go to hell.

Sure, we don’t actually think it. But sub consciously that's what prompts our decisions.

We can mention a ton of reasons why elderly parents often find themselves in old age homes and they’d all be true to an extent, but in the end, it comes down to this: we just don't have what it takes to be selfless.

Can we be blamed for something that is inherent in most human beings, if not all?

Dumping your parents in old homes is just a barbaric act it boils my blood when i hear something like this.

 

[Gilly]

Call it Pakistani mentality or whatever, but even the mere thought of dumping my parents in these old homes sends a chill down my spine.

Having the opportunity to take care of your elderly parents, look after them when they need you more than ever is the greatest blessing in life. That is when you will realize that your life is worth something.

People in our society shape their careers in order to be with their parents in their time of need, and that is precisely the reason why I want to return to Pakistan as soon as possible - and go home whenever I get some time off - because my parents are now at an age where they do need me, not physically yet but certainly emotionally.

People who are comparing this to day cares for kids are wrong. You do not dump your kids in day cares and delegate responsibility; you only pay others to take care of them while you are at work.

The equivalent to this would be hiring an attendant to take care of your elderly parents while you are at work, or even to help you take care of them better. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and in fact most people do it if they can afford to.

It all comes down to social and cultural values, and I am very proud of the way eastern people treat their parents in general. I am not judging western values in any way, I would probably have had the same values if I was born and brought up there, but their family values (or lack of) are not my cup of tea.

Furthermore, these same values dictate the attitude of the parents as well. In our society, parents expect you to take care of them when they need you. My father is 65, a heart patient and looks after my 88 year old grandmother, and he will continue to do so as long as he has the strength.

When his time comes and if I ship him off to an old home, he would probably die of grief and sorrow, because he would expect me to do for him what he did for his mother.

On the contrary, western elderly folks do not expect much from their children and are mentally prepared for life in old homes because that was the fate of their parents and their parents before them.

It is not about life expectancy and how much toll it takes on you. It is all about your cultural values, and no matter how old the children themselves get, it is their duty to look after their elderly parents.

Obviously, there are exceptions. They are people in our society who kill their parents over a piece of land, but I am simply talking about the social norms in our society. People can say what they want, but I am more than happy to have grown up with such values.

None of my family have ever been in a aged care home, its just not something we even think about. Everyone I know look after their families and I have a wide range of friends from many different cultures. All people have this in their blood to care for their family.

Obviously there will be exceptions in all cultures west and east. In Karachi alone there are three catholic aged care centres to care for abandoned old people just like every city. Dont make the mistake of judging western values just because everything gets exposed by the media. The majority of people world wide are the same and if you were apart of my community you would have a much better understanding of our values.

I'm not having a go at you Mamoon but it irritates me when I read posts where people make judgements on western values when it seems to be garnered from movies or soap operas. Its all too easy to use 5% of the population to make remarks about the other 95%.

 

[Arham_PakFan]

I cannot even think of putting my parents or grandparents in a care home.

My grandfather is 87,has alzheimers,and cannot walk unassisted(he has arthiritis too).But nowadays he stays home most of the time,and so me and my family take care of him.I'll admit that sometimes it does get a bit frustrating.
He often goes to stay with my aunts and uncles for a couple of days.So the whole family contributes in taking care for him.

I cannot imagine a stranger tending to him.A stranger wouldn't know him,they would probably have no emotional attachment,they wouldn't know his habits,his wants and needs.He would just be another patient/client.

Culturally it's unacceptable in our society.Imagine the 'loag kia kahenge' aspect if someone did put his parent/grandparent in a care home...

 

[TM Riddle]

Never. While I respect the decisions of those who do it since there are many factors involved, I myself would personally never do it.
Not a chance. Parents are special.

 

[TM Riddle]

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

Pretty much this.

 

[hafeezrocks]

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

Pretty much this.

 

[Mueez]

I hope I die before I even have to think about putting my parents in an old age home.

Same Bro, I just can not imagine leaving my mother, who has done so much sacrifices, alone in an old age home.

 

[Mueez]

Call it Pakistani mentality or whatever, but even the mere thought of dumping my parents in these old homes sends a chill down my spine.

Having the opportunity to take care of your elderly parents, look after them when they need you more than ever is the greatest blessing in life. That is when you will realize that your life is worth something.

People in our society shape their careers in order to be with their parents in their time of need, and that is precisely the reason why I want to return to Pakistan as soon as possible - and go home whenever I get some time off - because my parents are now at an age where they do need me, not physically yet but certainly emotionally.

People who are comparing this to day cares for kids are wrong. You do not dump your kids in day cares and delegate responsibility; you only pay others to take care of them while you are at work.

The equivalent to this would be hiring an attendant to take care of your elderly parents while you are at work, or even to help you take care of them better. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and in fact most people do it if they can afford to.

It all comes down to social and cultural values, and I am very proud of the way eastern people treat their parents in general. I am not judging western values in any way, I would probably have had the same values if I was born and brought up there, but their family values (or lack of) are not my cup of tea.

Furthermore, these same values dictate the attitude of the parents as well. In our society, parents expect you to take care of them when they need you. My father is 65, a heart patient and looks after my 88 year old grandmother, and he will continue to do so as long as he has the strength.

When his time comes and if I ship him off to an old home, he would probably die of grief and sorrow, because he would expect me to do for him what he did for his mother.

On the contrary, western elderly folks do not expect much from their children and are mentally prepared for life in old homes because that was the fate of their parents and their parents before them.

It is not about life expectancy and how much toll it takes on you. It is all about your cultural values, and no matter how old the children themselves get, it is their duty to look after their elderly parents.

Obviously, there are exceptions. They are people in our society who kill their parents over a piece of land, but I am simply talking about the social norms in our society. People can say what they want, but I am more than happy to have grown up with such values.

What a post!

 

[Markhor]

UK care homes are awful, and even discounting that factor, I'd still never wish to.

 

[TQ89]

I don't know much about how western countries operate but there were very few movies I watched where parents hated going to Old homes which gave me the idea that it is not so popular there as well.

One such movie was De Niro's "Stanley & iris" where he puts his dad in shabby old home because he has no job & the dad dies of grief. That scene was heartbreaking.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

I suppose if someone insists on moving in to one themselves, you have to oblige but many are pressured into moving out because the son/daughter cant be bothered to look after them. Most old people have grand kids, family members or local friends who can keep them entertained.

Fully agree with King Khan WC.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Call it Pakistani mentality or whatever, but even the mere thought of dumping my parents in these old homes sends a chill down my spine.

Having the opportunity to take care of your elderly parents, look after them when they need you more than ever is the greatest blessing in life. That is when you will realize that your life is worth something.

People in our society shape their careers in order to be with their parents in their time of need, and that is precisely the reason why I want to return to Pakistan as soon as possible - and go home whenever I get some time off - because my parents are now at an age where they do need me, not physically yet but certainly emotionally.

People who are comparing this to day cares for kids are wrong. You do not dump your kids in day cares and delegate responsibility; you only pay others to take care of them while you are at work.

The equivalent to this would be hiring an attendant to take care of your elderly parents while you are at work, or even to help you take care of them better. There is nothing wrong with that at all, and in fact most people do it if they can afford to.

It all comes down to social and cultural values, and I am very proud of the way eastern people treat their parents in general. I am not judging western values in any way, I would probably have had the same values if I was born and brought up there, but their family values (or lack of) are not my cup of tea.

Furthermore, these same values dictate the attitude of the parents as well. In our society, parents expect you to take care of them when they need you. My father is 65, a heart patient and looks after my 88 year old grandmother, and he will continue to do so as long as he has the strength.

When his time comes and if I ship him off to an old home, he would probably die of grief and sorrow, because he would expect me to do for him what he did for his mother.

On the contrary, western elderly folks do not expect much from their children and are mentally prepared for life in old homes because that was the fate of their parents and their parents before them.

It is not about life expectancy and how much toll it takes on you. It is all about your cultural values, and no matter how old the children themselves get, it is their duty to look after their elderly parents.

Obviously, there are exceptions. They are people in our society who kill their parents over a piece of land, but I am simply talking about the social norms in our society. People can say what they want, but I am more than happy to have grown up with such values.

Wonderful post.

There are exceptions when old age home is the only option left but in general, as a society, its our duty to take care of our ailing parents.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Too much emotional Desi hyperbole. Your intentions might be good but these dialogues only work in movies. Let's see when you have to clean your parent 6 times a day while you can see the indignity in their eyes (something they don't feel with a professional) when you have to carry them to the bathroom and wipe them off. It's very easy to go overboard online but from someone who has gone through this it is almost impossible.

You raise a great point but there are always exceptions.

 

[CricketCartoons]

Reminds me of my grandfather (why do old people have a smell peculiar to old people?). I would be studying in the next room, and he would clap when he had to pee or spit. Sometimes I would make him clap longer before I moved, because it was very irritating to have him interrupt my studies. Once I was so angry, I did not move from my room while he kept clapping. Later when my grandmom went to his room, he asked her where is CC..she said he is studying in the other room. My grandpa didn't say anything. He knew I was studying only to bring honour to his name which mattered more than his hourly excretions.

 

[kaayal]

Too much emotional Desi hyperbole. Your intentions might be good but these dialogues only work in movies. Let's see when you have to clean your parent 6 times a day while you can see the indignity in their eyes (something they don't feel with a professional) when you have to carry them to the bathroom and wipe them off. It's very easy to go overboard online but from someone who has gone through this it is almost impossible.

Such people do exist, like my mother. She took good care of my auntie (dad's elder sister) while she was bedridden for >10 years in our house. Helping her to do her primary needs, cleaning her 6-7 times daily, ignoring all the swearing, complains about food, complaining about mom to others, difficult for mom to visit her own parents, all this while she was alone with us little kids and there was short of money. Dad was abroad at that time. She cried a lot but never quit. There was no choice for her tbh.

Emotionally very draining experience. I just hope and pray to God that i am physically and financially strong enough to take good care of my parents, brothers, husband and my in-law whenever the time arrives. My mom is my role model.

 

[kaayal]

Reminds me of my grandfather (why do old people have a smell peculiar to old people?). I would be studying in the next room, and he would clap when he had to pee or spit. Sometimes I would make him clap longer before I moved, because it was very irritating to have him interrupt my studies. Once I was so angry, I did not move from my room while he kept clapping. Later when my grandmom went to his room, he asked her where is CC..she said he is studying in the other room. My grandpa didn't say anything. He knew I was studying only to bring honour to his name which mattered more than his hourly excretions.

This hourly excretion is commmon for all elders because of constipation. My wrist used to ache a lot while taking my auntie near to the closet. Those days....

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Here's one of my favourite funny moments from tv which shows the marvellous British sense of humour around this topic. Please everyone take it in the right spirit, it's funny and warm hearted but so telling.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

[MENTION=732]Gilly[/MENTION], I know you Aussies have a similar sense of humour, did this ad run over there?

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Such people do exist, like my mother. She took good care of my auntie (dad's elder sister) while she was bedridden for >10 years in our house. Helping her to do her primary needs, cleaning her 6-7 times daily, ignoring all the swearing, complains about food, complaining about mom to others, difficult for mom to visit her own parents, all this while she was alone with us little kids and there was short of money. Dad was abroad at that time. She cried a lot but never quit. There was no choice for her tbh.

Emotionally very draining experience. I just hope and pray to God that i am physically and financially strong enough to take good care of my parents, brothers, husband and my in-law whenever the time arrives. My mom is my role model.

Caretaking can be brutal at times. Feel for ur mom.

I know the kind like your dad's elder sister. Hard not to hope they die.

 

[TSA321]

Asian parents in care homes

Some Asian people are turning their backs on tradition and putting their ageing parents into a home rather than within the extended family. Sarfraz Manzoor visited Aashna House in London to find out why

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/feb/26/asian-parents-care-homes-sarfraz-manzoor

 

[HussainRx8]

Same "liberties" are provided in Western cultures too with family members helping each other out. Albeit in many Asian cases if not handled correctly can lead to conflict and feelings of resentment due to extraordinary expectations and family infighting.

I live in the US. While it exists, it's not as common as in the Asian culture. Of course, it can lead to many issues. It takes a lot of commitment and sacrifice.

 

[HussainRx8]

Western parents sacrifice the same if not more and I speak from personal experience. Just because Desi parents tend to remind you of it at every given opportunity doesn't make their sacrifices any better.

In the end the child did not ask to be born and you did it for one reason or the other, reprimanding the kid, taking out your frustrations on them or expecting them to worship you just because you provide and demand respect for something you created is quite egotistical in my opinion.

It seems that you have some inherent guilt that you're projecting on to others. Not every case is the same.

 

[DeadBall]

It seems that you have some inherent guilt that you're projecting on to others. Not every case is the same.

Thanks, you just robbed a psychiatrist somewhere of 80 € odd. Everyone has something they project on to others. Desi parenting actually is synonymous with guilt. However I have mentioned many a time that this all subjective. Was just annoyed with the high and mighty attitude and discounting of western culture by many of our desi posters.

 

[DeadBall]

Such people do exist, like my mother. She took good care of my auntie (dad's elder sister) while she was bedridden for >10 years in our house. Helping her to do her primary needs, cleaning her 6-7 times daily, ignoring all the swearing, complains about food, complaining about mom to others, difficult for mom to visit her own parents, all this while she was alone with us little kids and there was short of money. Dad was abroad at that time. She cried a lot but never quit. There was no choice for her tbh.

Emotionally very draining experience. I just hope and pray to God that i am physically and financially strong enough to take good care of my parents, brothers, husband and my in-law whenever the time arrives. My mom is my role model.

I think you missed my last sentence sister. I have also gone through this for a month or so with my father till I found him a dependable nurse. Don't want to go through our whole history online but we had a very bad relationship but ironically I was the one to help him out in the end.

 

[HussainRx8]

Thanks, you just robbed a psychiatrist somewhere of 80 € odd. Everyone has something they project on to others. Desi parenting actually is synonymous with guilt. However I have mentioned many a time that this all subjective. Was just annoyed with the high and mighty attitude and discounting of western culture by many of our desi posters.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. At least in my case (and I'm sure others as well), I intend to do it out of my own volition and not because of forced guilt.

Even if you strip this relation out of any emotions, there is an economic argument there based on reciprocity.

 

[Syed1]

Here's one of my favourite funny moments from tv which shows the marvellous British sense of humour around this topic. Please everyone take it in the right spirit, it's funny and warm hearted but so telling.

I've tried and tried but I just cannot kind any humour in British "comedy". It is not funny AT ALL.


There was a bloke on here who recommended a super hit British show about an airport and I tried watching it, it was so boring I'd rather watch paint dry. It was called Come Fly With Me.


The only British comedy show that was sort of bearable was the IT crowd.



We the folks on the other side of the pond know how to do comedy. Just take Friends for example.

 

[JaDed]

[MENTION=138254]Syed1[/MENTION] goodness gracious me is pretty good, it's like SNL Desi version in UK.

Coupling was good as well, sadly I didn't find it funny second time.

 

[TM Riddle]

I've tried and tried but I just cannot kind any humour in British "comedy". It is not funny AT ALL.


There was a bloke on here who recommended a super hit British show about an airport and I tried watching it, it was so boring I'd rather watch paint dry. It was called Come Fly With Me.


The only British comedy show that was sort of bearable was the IT crowd.



We the folks on the other side of the pond know how to do comedy. Just take Friends for example.

Start from The Inbetweeners. Pretty decent show and much funnier than the overrated British version of The Office (Although Ricky Gervais is my favorite human being on the planet).

 

[Syed1]

[MENTION=138254]Syed1[/MENTION] goodness gracious me is pretty good, it's like SNL Desi version in UK.

Coupling was good as well, sadly I didn't find it funny second time.

Start from The Inbetweeners. Pretty decent show and much funnier than the overrated British version of The Office (Although Ricky Gervais is my favorite human being on the planet).

Ok I'll try them

 

[Deewana Mastana]

In the last 5-10 years these old age homes concept has become quite popular in Pakistan.

And there was a time that one would not even have existed.

 

[WC-Passion]

I find the idea to be quite brutal and depressing. To me it's like putting up a kid for adoption and your only reason is that they require too much care for your lazy self, it's ridiculous. Anyone who does this and had positive and loving parents is heartless and cruel.

 

[Musakhel]

That's why it's best to have kids young so when you are old they are not to young.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

https://www.news18.com/news/india/2...parents-to-marry-facebook-friend-1756627.html

 

[Major]

Different cultures different environment.

The thing i admire about West is that after 18 you are out of the house and learn how to survive. Male or Female, you learn to be confident plus the job market is then filled by youngsters from all classes.

Which is why for the children who become adults its not difficult for them to leave their parents to old homes.

In Pakistan, we get pampered alot. We dont end up building confidence.

Also, this forum is dominated by males, and males dont know zilch about taking care of old parents like females do. The burden of taking care of parents ends up on the wife. Another problem that i have seen in some households here is that the wife cannot do a job and has to take care of the parents of her husband........

 

[Major]

In the last 5-10 years these old age homes concept has become quite popular in Pakistan.

And there was a time that one would not even have existed.

well obviously its a good business idea that needs to be tapped into.

 

[Deewana Mastana]

well obviously its a good business idea that needs to be tapped into.

In Pakistan it's more of a fashion and that it's such a thing in the West that lets adopt it too without thinking of the repercussions of it.

 

[James]

I would really try not to.

There are of course strong moral implications to doing it which would have to be seriously considered. In some cases either because the children are too ill to do it, or because the elderly person is so physically / mentally ill that they require specialist medical care on a day to day basis, then fair enough, but otherwise it’s a tricky one. When siblings refuse to chip in, it must get really difficult to be fair.

Moreover the financial cost is just insane. £600 per week minimum and can easily rise to over £1000 per week depending on location and need. That is more expensive than some five-star hotels in capital cities. And I would be willing to bet that the average care home would be more like a two-star at best.

£600 minimum. Per week. Honestly I have a massive issue with such an exorbitant amount of money being leeched from people who have worked hard all of their lives to build it up and then it just gets melted away into nothingness within a few short months or years. As I understand it, a main personal bank account will literally be drained until there is barely 10 grand in there before the state agrees to cover any of the costs. Leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

The last point is the most worrying and the less quantifiable one: the scale of abuse. The mere thought of any vulnerable human being (let alone my parent) being physically, emotionally or sexually bullied by some sad little person in a bleached tunic makes my blood boil.

There are always exceptional circumstances with everything, but overall I think that this one is best avoided wherever realistically possible.

 

[saadibaba]

Questions like the one in OP used to nag at my consciousness before but not anymore. I've been detached from my parents for sometime now. I haven't talked to them or know their whereabouts in years. During my last conversation with them on the phone, I was told that they are cutting off all contact with me and shortly afterwards they sent me a letter asking me to return the money that they have loaned me sometime ago, a measly thousand or so dollars, but the painful part was they even asked me to return the jewelry that they had gifted to my significant other at the occasion of our wedding. Needless to say, I returned the money and jewelry to them immediately and since then have been living a separate and detached life from them. A year after that conversation I heard that my Dad was in the hospital needing a pacemaker. I tried getting in touch with them but they did not responded to my inquiries. Since then I've pretty much given up on them. I have other siblings who are more than capable of taking care of them and who my parents appear to care for more than me as well. So I guess it was just meant to me.

 

[BlackShadow]

I always considered the idea of old age homes to be depressing, but now I am seeing a lot of old couples living there out of choice and they are happy.

 

[James]

I always considered the idea of old age homes to be depressing, but now I am seeing a lot of old couples living there out of choice and they are happy.

I believe that a couple living in one is different to the idea of sending a lone elderly relative to a home.

 

[Gilly]

I believe that a couple living in one is different to the idea of sending a lone elderly relative to a home.

Most families do take care of themselves, a lot of older people dont need constant care and are able to take care of themselves and to varying degrees and assisted by family members.

There are circumstances in all countries where an old person is not able to care for themselves and dont have any family for assistance and this is where the value of aged care comes into its own. Old people with no family or in need of specialist care in the West are cared for by aged care.

There will be instances where some take advantage of these services and there will be some old people that will not have access to these services.

If an older person is abandoned in the West they will be taken care of in aged care.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Different cultures different environment.

The thing i admire about West is that after 18 you are out of the house and learn how to survive. Male or Female, you learn to be confident plus the job market is then filled by youngsters from all classes.

Which is why for the children who become adults its not difficult for them to leave their parents to old homes.

In Pakistan, we get pampered alot. We dont end up building confidence.

Also, this forum is dominated by males, and males dont know zilch about taking care of old parents like females do. The burden of taking care of parents ends up on the wife. Another problem that i have seen in some households here is that the wife cannot do a job and has to take care of the parents of her husband........

This is where some real experience of living in a western country would be really beneficial for you. I can tell you it is the desi females who are usually the most pampered in the west, usually hopeless at doing any of the stuff which is necessary to live a single life, piling up the dirty clothes to be washed by mum are all too common when they move away for studies. Probably about 5% of them would want to be looking after aged parents when they get married, most of them want a separate home these days and as less contact with the in-laws as possible. The pampered city burger kid lifestyle is probably more apt for you than over here, not sure you would last a week in the UK on your own.

 

[Major]

In Pakistan it's more of a fashion and that it's such a thing in the West that lets adopt it too without thinking of the repercussions of it.

bro, why would someone do such an irrational behavior (regarding fashion)

 

[Deewana Mastana]

bro, why would someone do such an irrational behavior (regarding fashion)

That is how it works in Pakistan, sadly.

 

[Major]

That is how it works in Pakistan, sadly.

or is it how you perceive it?

 

[Major]

This is where some real experience of living in a western country would be really beneficial for you. I can tell you it is the desi females who are usually the most pampered in the west, usually hopeless at doing any of the stuff which is necessary to live a single life, piling up the dirty clothes to be washed by mum are all too common when they move away for studies. Probably about 5% of them would want to be looking after aged parents when they get married, most of them want a separate home these days and as less contact with the in-laws as possible. The pampered city burger kid lifestyle is probably more apt for you than over here, not sure you would last a week in the UK on your own.

dont know why you have you getting soo personal and offended here.

I'm talking about Pakistanis in Pakistan.

and you dont worry, i have lived in the west..

 

[CricketCartoons]

The west may be developed materially, but no one can be better than us Desis when it comes to Family Values!!

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

dont know why you have you getting soo personal and offended here.

I'm talking about Pakistanis in Pakistan.

and you dont worry, i have lived in the west..

What makes you think I am getting offended? I addressed your points and clarified on some of your perceptions and I even bolded the part which I was addressing so I could give you some insight into western practices among desi communities as compared to those in Pakistan. If you've lived in the west and disagree, then please point out those parts you disagree with, it will surely expand on the discussion and make it more valuable.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Some interesting responses and it seems most are not in favour of putting their parents in such homes.

I hate the idea of getting old, it's more scary than death. Losing the ability to look after yourself, feeling weak and losing your mind. I hope I kick the bucket long before then.