The Decision To Be Child-Free

[leonidas_alexandar]

While this is a deeply personal topic - I just wanted to find out if there are any posters here who are married or single - who at this point in time - are not inclined to have kids.

Choosing to be child-free (actively deciding not to have kids) or child-less (not being able to have kids due to health issues) - is still a topic even in the West that is subject to many uninformed opinions.

My situation is a mix of both - while I am infinitely scared of having kids - it just gives me tremendous amount of anxiety/fear just thinking about having kids - my wife unfortunately is in a situation where if she wanted to have kids with me - it could come at a reasonably serious health risk to her.

Eventually we decided not to have kids.

While it is understandable that my wife was hurt - she has eventually learned to accept the reality of our situation.


But as a natural corollary of not wanting or not being able to have kids - we do experience certain things in life that are not particularly negative.

1) DISPOSABLE INCOME - Since we both work and make decent amount of money - we do have reasonable amount of disposable income and it gives us tremendous amount of financial flexibility. Currently my wife quit her regular job and has taken a part time job to pursue higher studies and it was a pretty easy decision as we did not have to factor in expenses/savings for our non existent kids. Also it allows me to send money back home to my parents without feeling any sense of guilt (I am not sure if I would have been able to send the money that I do send now if I had a couple of kids for example). There are other smaller perks like being able to travel abroad frequently etc.,

2) TIME - This is one thing that we do not complain about. Once back home from work - it appears we have plenty of time to really spend it in any way that we choose to desire. This has allowed us to travel, pursue our hobbies, socialize etc.,

Overall I guess we need to really follow our hearts in deciding about really life-changing, permanent commitments like choosing to have kids.

Are there are any posters here who chose not to have kids? And for those who do have kids - did that involve a conscious decision or it was something that was taken for granted that it simply had to happen after getting married.

I invite your thoughts.

 

[KingKhanWC]

I find it strange anybody wouldnt want to have children but its a personal choice.

If the wife wants kids but the husband refuses, I think this is selfish & perhaps its better for the wife to move on, find a new husband.

I feel sorry for people who want children but cant. Sad to see them end up old & lonely, possibly in a care home with strangers.

 

[street cricketer]

I find it strange anybody wouldnt want to have children but its a personal choice.

If the wife wants kids but the husband refuses, I think this is selfish & perhaps its better for the wife to move on, find a new husband.

I feel sorry for people who want children but cant. Sad to see them end up old & lonely, possibly in a care home with strangers.

This happens to a lot of people even with kids though.

 

[KingKhanWC]

This happens to a lot of people even with kids though.

True. Many kids now dont care to look after their parents, esp in western culture. But OP is Asian im assuming where kids still look after their elderly parents.

 

[street cricketer]

True. Many kids now dont care to look after their parents, esp in western culture. But OP is Asian im assuming where kids still look after their elderly parents.

Old age homes wouldn't exist in asia if every asian child took care of his/her parents.

 

[gazza619]

Been blessed by Almighty with 3 lovely children and they give me an absolute motivation to live at the fullest and achieve the unachievable. Don't know anyone in my circle who is married and not have kids. Its a very rare thing I guess specially for people from our community.

Having and raising kids is no easy task though and I would understand why someone would not want kids.

 

[Jadz]

This happens to a lot of people even with kids though.

It probably has a lot to do with Western culture - people expect their young children, from 18 onwards, to move out and become 'independent,' so that they can 'enjoy' their lives without having to provide for offspring, go on holidays and simply revel in the time they have to do what they want.

Consequently, when parents become elderly the offspring do not feel obliged to care for them, they continue to work, pursue their careers and seek material success - and place their vulnerable parents into care homes for strangers (and/or the State) to look after.

A great many Pakistanis and Indians living in the West have adopted the model of their hosts, and placed their parents into care homes, having abandoned their own religion or culture, both of which demand that parents be honoured and cared for when they become elderly and frail. A lot of financial exploitation of the elderly - by offspring or relatives - takes place, they are cheated out of their homes, their savings, jewellery, possessions stolen or forcibly 'borrowed.' Abuse of the elderly is not uncommon in the West.

Southern and Eastern Europe - Italy, Spain, Greece, Portugal - still retains a modicum of the family system of old, whereby elderly parents live with their children, and the latter take care of them. Our Romanian friend's Mother lives with a sister (that is, her daughter), whilst she alternates between brothers in order to give the sister a break.

The beautiful culture of Asia, Africa, the ME, whereby children - sons or daughters - take care of their elderly parents is truly inspirational and hopefully will not be corrupted or destroyed by 'modern' or 'Western' values.

 

[Jadz]

While this is a deeply personal topic - I just wanted to find out if there are any posters here who are married or single - who at this point in time - are not inclined to have kids.

Choosing to be child-free (actively deciding not to have kids) or child-less (not being able to have kids due to health issues) - is still a topic even in the West that is subject to many uninformed opinions.

My situation is a mix of both - while I am infinitely scared of having kids - it just gives me tremendous amount of anxiety/fear just thinking about having kids - my wife unfortunately is in a situation where if she wanted to have kids with me - it could come at a reasonably serious health risk to her.

Eventually we decided not to have kids.

While it is understandable that my wife was hurt - she has eventually learned to accept the reality of our situation.


But as a natural corollary of not wanting or not being able to have kids - we do experience certain things in life that are not particularly negative.

1) DISPOSABLE INCOME - Since we both work and make decent amount of money - we do have reasonable amount of disposable income and it gives us tremendous amount of financial flexibility. Currently my wife quit her regular job and has taken a part time job to pursue higher studies and it was a pretty easy decision as we did not have to factor in expenses/savings for our non existent kids. Also it allows me to send money back home to my parents without feeling any sense of guilt (I am not sure if I would have been able to send the money that I do send now if I had a couple of kids for example). There are other smaller perks like being able to travel abroad frequently etc.,

2) TIME - This is one thing that we do not complain about. Once back home from work - it appears we have plenty of time to really spend it in any way that we choose to desire. This has allowed us to travel, pursue our hobbies, socialize etc.,

Overall I guess we need to really follow our hearts in deciding about really life-changing, permanent commitments like choosing to have kids.

Are there are any posters here who chose not to have kids? And for those who do have kids - did that involve a conscious decision or it was something that was taken for granted that it simply had to happen after getting married.

I invite your thoughts.

The decline of civilizations is often preceded by an excessive attachment to materialistic pursuits and values. There is a depopulation, population control agenda at work in the world. Population is controlled through declining birth-rates - a real problem in Europe - also through abortion, ageing societies, diseases, rampant poverty, wars.

The narrative being established in Western cultures is that having children is extremely selfish, entirely unnecessary and worse, detrimental to the 'climate.' Like veganism, not having children is becoming something of a religion.

'Is Having A Baby In 2021 Pure Environmental Vandalism?'

https://www.vogue.co.uk/mini-vogue/article/having-a-child-sustainable

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

True. Many kids now dont care to look after their parents, esp in western culture. But OP is Asian im assuming where kids still look after their elderly parents.

Yes, of course one of the main drivers of my decision to move abroad is to help my family back home. And as you know I am not unique -literally hundreds of thousands of South Asians leave their home countries to the West to ensure that their families back home are taken care of.

I am assuming your parents or grand parents moved from Pakistan to the UK. Unless they moved along with their own parents at the same time - it is understandable that for the parents whose kids chose to leave Pakistan it must have been heart breaking to see their kids leave Pakistan for good. But the kids obviously have left to ensure a better future for their parents, for themselves and for their own future kids.

But here the question is not about taking care of parents - which of course I do. I was talking about why anyone may choose not to want to have kids.

 

[street cricketer]

Did you consider conceiving a child with your wife through gestational surrogacy via IVF?

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

The decline of civilizations is often preceded by an excessive attachment to materialistic pursuits and values. There is a depopulation, population control agenda at work in the world. Population is controlled through declining birth-rates - a real problem in Europe - also through abortion, ageing societies, diseases, rampant poverty, wars.

The narrative being established in Western cultures is that having children is extremely selfish, entirely unnecessary and worse, detrimental to the 'climate.' Like veganism, not having children is becoming something of a religion.

'Is Having A Baby In 2021 Pure Environmental Vandalism?'

https://www.vogue.co.uk/mini-vogue/article/having-a-child-sustainable

Dear Sister,

Thank you for sharing the link.

I am going to make an assumption that you read my OP. As I mentioned our decision to not have kids was not out of some misplaced environmental ideal.

It was also to a large extent decided by my wife's health reasons. Unfortunately as you maybe aware there are hundreds of thousands of women who cannot have kids due to reasons beyond their control.

Also as you can imagine - choosing to have kids is an irreversible, life long commitment. Some people may genuinely believe they simply do not have that mental fortitude to take such a decision.

We all know people who choose to have kids when they are not ready or have turned out to be really bad parents. In fact my view is that most of the world's problems that we face - all begin at home due to less than ideal parenting.

To your point - I wholeheartedly disagree with the the view - I hate to call it Western - that having kids is extremely selfish, entirely unnecessary - again I do not find merit in that suggestion.

And I hate people who choose not to have kids look down upon people who want to have kids. That is them being judgmental - and as you rightly pointed out it mirrors some of the elements of militant veganism.

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

It probably has a lot to do with Western culture - people expect their young children, from 18 onwards, to move out and become 'independent,' so that they can 'enjoy' their lives without having to provide for offspring, go on holidays and simply revel in the time they have to do what they want.

Consequently, when parents become elderly the offspring do not feel obliged to care for them, they continue to work, pursue their careers and seek material success - and place their vulnerable parents into care homes for strangers (and/or the State) to look after.

A great many Pakistanis and Indians living in the West have adopted the model of their hosts, and placed their parents into care homes, having abandoned their own religion or culture, both of which demand that parents be honoured and cared for when they become elderly and frail. A lot of financial exploitation of the elderly - by offspring or relatives - takes place, they are cheated out of their homes, their savings, jewellery, possessions stolen or forcibly 'borrowed.' Abuse of the elderly is not uncommon in the West.

Southern and Eastern Europe - Italy, Spain, Greece, Portugal - still retains a modicum of the family system of old, whereby elderly parents live with their children, and the latter take care of them. Our Romanian friend's Mother lives with a sister (that is, her daughter), whilst she alternates between brothers in order to give the sister a break.

The beautiful culture of Asia, Africa, the ME, whereby children - sons or daughters - take care of their elderly parents is truly inspirational and hopefully will not be corrupted or destroyed by 'modern' or 'Western' values.

I believe all cultures are beautiful. In some cases one could objectively notice the fact that literally millions of South Asians want to emigrate out of their own homelands to the West perhaps indicates that there are aspects of Western culture or living conditions that one is drawn to.

As you know at the end of the day there are good and bad in every culture. As I mentioned in my other post - emigration itself is an act of sacrifice and love wherein one is driven by the desire to help their families back home.

We do know that countries like Pakistan and India - their economies to a reasonably large extent are powered by the remittances that kids send their parents.

 

[guna]

Many in West choose not to have kids. Everyone has their own reason. Overall, their population stays stable.

In India, Most people have kids (barring medical reasons). Even the ones that do not want to have kids and the ones that are in no way capable of raising kids also have kids due to societal and religious pressure. Everyone has to get married and everyone must have kids. The result is population explosion.

 

[Stewie]

I would be ok with not having kids if my wife didn’t want to. The world is a difficult place and it’s only going to get worse. We need to control the population explosion. There are not many resources left to account for the increase in numbers.

Only bring a child into this world if you can provide him/her with all the opportunity to lead a fulfilling life. Not just cuz well it’s expected of you to have children.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Their is nothing wrong in not having kids, its not for everyone. You dont need children to have joy or a sense of purpose in this world. And their are certainly benefits like the OP mentioned as in having more money and time for yourself.

However this should be mentioned before marriage. If you are from a Pakistani family its assumed that marriage will lead to children, so the onus is on the person who does not want kids to mention it before.

In this situation the OP's wife will have medical risks if she will have attempt to have a child, which is a completely understandable reason to not have them.

If this was not the case, then this is not acceptable.

My situation is a mix of both - while I am infinitely scared of having kids - it just gives me tremendous amount of anxiety/fear just thinking about having kids

As the chance a Pakistani girl will agree to marriage with a man who does not want kids is close to zero. So OP, if somehow the medical issue goes away, and your wife wants kids, then your fears are irrelevant. You need to have them.

 

[James]

It is a careful and a personal decision to make for each couple. Personally I love having kids and me/my wife are very blessed to not have any health or financial issues that could stand in the way of this. Got 2 now and planning to have at least 1-2 more.

 

[Itachi]

I find it strange anybody wouldnt want to have children but its a personal choice.

If the wife wants kids but the husband refuses, I think this is selfish & perhaps its better for the wife to move on, find a new husband.

I feel sorry for people who want children but cant. Sad to see them end up old & lonely, possibly in a care home with strangers.

If the wife wants, husband doesn't then it is selfish.

If the husband doesn't but the wife wants then it isn't selfish.

This is the root cause of so many depression issues that males have now a days. You need to bow down under the pressure whether you like it or not.

As for OP, you should have had made that clear before the marriage that you don't want kids (regardless of medical complications). If you didn't, then it was a very bad idea.

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

I find it strange anybody wouldnt want to have children but its a personal choice.

If the wife wants kids but the husband refuses, I think this is selfish & perhaps its better for the wife to move on, find a new husband.

I feel sorry for people who want children but cant. Sad to see them end up old & lonely, possibly in a care home with strangers.

I’ve seen a lot of people with several children end up alone and in fact penniless because their children just stole the money from them and left them alone.

So having kids is almost as likely to result in being lonely as not having kids

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

The decline of civilizations is often preceded by an excessive attachment to materialistic pursuits and values. There is a depopulation, population control agenda at work in the world. Population is controlled through declining birth-rates - a real problem in Europe - also through abortion, ageing societies, diseases, rampant poverty, wars.

The narrative being established in Western cultures is that having children is extremely selfish, entirely unnecessary and worse, detrimental to the 'climate.' Like veganism, not having children is becoming something of a religion.

'Is Having A Baby In 2021 Pure Environmental Vandalism?'

https://www.vogue.co.uk/mini-vogue/article/having-a-child-sustainable

This is a fairly short sighted and frankly stupid post. It is because of thinking like this that so many couples who have deep personal issues and are not at all qualified to raise humans still end up having several kids who end up being a negative to society .

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

What is really a detriment to society is the fact that so many useless couples who are a detriment to our society end up having multiple kids who grow up to be good for nothing loads on the country.

 

[Itachi]

What is really a detriment to society is the fact that so many useless couples who are a detriment to our society end up having multiple kids who grow up to be good for nothing loads on the country.

I agree. and on that topic that was quoted, here's the last line.

"I hope that my son might contribute to future humanity, rather than destroy it. No pressure, babe."

yeah. no pressure.

You hold a standard (idealistic) and expect the son to maintain it. The way she analyzes stats, it's not what a mother does. Mother is also about care, emotions..... when you question, if your son will disrupt the ecological balance which is already unequal leading towards far inequality, then how do you expect a mother to raise her child? There's already seems like a vengeance and the birth is out of bowing down to pressure (repercussions are already coming) and then use him as weapon against the agenda.

This won't be a child. This will be a symbol of how ruthless the society is and how he will have to stand against it. The expectations from the mother will tire him down. I feel for the poor child.

 

[saeedhk]

Many in West choose not to have kids. Everyone has their own reason. Overall, their population stays stable.

In India, Most people have kids (barring medical reasons). Even the ones that do not want to have kids and the ones that are in no way capable of raising kids also have kids due to societal and religious pressure. Everyone has to get married and everyone must have kids. The result is population explosion.

Exactly like Pakistan. People here marry not for love but for having children. Even forced marriages produce lots of children. There is a lot of emphasis on having plentiful children.

 

[SpiritOf1903]

I would be ok with not having kids if my wife didn’t want to. The world is a difficult place and it’s only going to get worse. We need to control the population explosion. There are not many resources left to account for the increase in numbers.

Only bring a child into this world if you can provide him/her with all the opportunity to lead a fulfilling life. Not just cuz well it’s expected of you to have children.

Very true but on a personal level I've always wanted a son/s. iA I'll be blessed with that I pray.

 

[PakLFC]

Adoption seems to be a good alternative. There are so many kid's in the world who need good families to look after them.

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

Adoption seems to be a good alternative. There are so many kid's in the world who need good families to look after them.

Some people don’t adopt because Islam doesn’t look as adopted child in same way as biological child

 

[Balthazar]

I am not planning to have one either. I'd rather adopt if I feel like to have a kid. So many of them are rotting away in streets without food, shelter and education, atleast in India. Just don't have the appetite to bring one more into this accursed world.

 

[PakLFC]

Some people don’t adopt because Islam doesn’t look as adopted child in same way as biological child

It is natural to feel that way. If a person is childless they would have no choice other then to look upon an adopted child as their own. It is that or nothing.

 

[PakLFC]

I am not planning to have one either. I'd rather adopt if I feel like to have a kid. So many of them are rotting away in streets without food, shelter and education, atleast in India. Just don't have the appetite to bring one more into this accursed world.

I agree. Adoption should be considered more as a choice. It all saves people from going through all the problems associated with pregnancy. I would do so an infant so he/she looks upon me as their natural dad when growing up.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

While this is a deeply personal topic - I just wanted to find out if there are any posters here who are married or single - who at this point in time - are not inclined to have kids.

Choosing to be child-free (actively deciding not to have kids) or child-less (not being able to have kids due to health issues) - is still a topic even in the West that is subject to many uninformed opinions.

My situation is a mix of both - while I am infinitely scared of having kids - it just gives me tremendous amount of anxiety/fear just thinking about having kids - my wife unfortunately is in a situation where if she wanted to have kids with me - it could come at a reasonably serious health risk to her.

Eventually we decided not to have kids.

While it is understandable that my wife was hurt - she has eventually learned to accept the reality of our situation.


But as a natural corollary of not wanting or not being able to have kids - we do experience certain things in life that are not particularly negative.

1) DISPOSABLE INCOME - Since we both work and make decent amount of money - we do have reasonable amount of disposable income and it gives us tremendous amount of financial flexibility. Currently my wife quit her regular job and has taken a part time job to pursue higher studies and it was a pretty easy decision as we did not have to factor in expenses/savings for our non existent kids. Also it allows me to send money back home to my parents without feeling any sense of guilt (I am not sure if I would have been able to send the money that I do send now if I had a couple of kids for example). There are other smaller perks like being able to travel abroad frequently etc.,

2) TIME - This is one thing that we do not complain about. Once back home from work - it appears we have plenty of time to really spend it in any way that we choose to desire. This has allowed us to travel, pursue our hobbies, socialize etc.,

Overall I guess we need to really follow our hearts in deciding about really life-changing, permanent commitments like choosing to have kids.

Are there are any posters here who chose not to have kids? And for those who do have kids - did that involve a conscious decision or it was something that was taken for granted that it simply had to happen after getting married.

I invite your thoughts.

First time I met such a person was when I work for a big corporate firm in NY.
This gentleman was originally from South Africa and he used to work in our logistic department. And the common ground between us was obviously cricket.

We had some good conversations with him.

So out of curiosity, I asked him over the lunch once. And his reason was basically, less worries, less effort, more freedom and more money to spend.

And the reason why I asked him is cuz at some point of my own life, I had decided not to have kids.
And my reason was the growing evil in the world with resources are drying up, and people getting more and more impatient, and spreading injustice, weather getting wild, inflation going through the roof, and life in general getting tougher. My philosophy was, I don't wanna leave my kids in this ever growing and unforgiving world.

I discussed these ideas with my wife, and she showed me the light by saying, "Look, God has sent good and bad people in EVERY era. And we will try our best in this ever growing evil world, that our kids be among the good people. There is always hope and we should always stay positive by supporting our good hopes with the effort of raising our kids in a good manner".

Alhamdollillah this was one of the best advices I got, and God blessed us with healthy and happy kids. And within our means, we are trying our best to bring them up as balanced people who are positive and productive towards the society, know and enjoy the concept of clean fun, and focus on their education.

Each to it's own, but yes indeed, the challenge is worth the cherished time you spent with your kids and family. It's a feeling that can't be captured in words when you see your kids growing up to be young, strong, energetic, curious, sportive, and learning new things on their own, and also taking the guidance from you. There is nothing better than that.

 

[Jadz]

Dear Sister,

Thank you for sharing the link.

I am going to make an assumption that you read my OP. As I mentioned our decision to not have kids was not out of some misplaced environmental ideal.

It was also to a large extent decided by my wife's health reasons. Unfortunately as you maybe aware there are hundreds of thousands of women who cannot have kids due to reasons beyond their control.

Also as you can imagine - choosing to have kids is an irreversible, life long commitment. Some people may genuinely believe they simply do not have that mental fortitude to take such a decision.

We all know people who choose to have kids when they are not ready or have turned out to be really bad parents. In fact my view is that most of the world's problems that we face - all begin at home due to less than ideal parenting.

To your point - I wholeheartedly disagree with the the view - I hate to call it Western - that having kids is extremely selfish, entirely unnecessary - again I do not find merit in that suggestion.

And I hate people who choose not to have kids look down upon people who want to have kids. That is them being judgmental - and as you rightly pointed out it mirrors some of the elements of militant veganism.

Thank you, Brother, for your courtesy as well as for your thought-provoking replies.

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your wife's health issues, and pray that God bless her and restore strength to her.

Secondly, it was certainly not my intention to sound preachy or judgemental, but only to draw attention to certain narratives, becoming fashionable and prevalent in the West, about the inadvisability of having children.

Thirdly, I totally endorse all your comments about the West, I have lived in England all my life and find the British to be very warm, welcoming, respectful and compassionate - there are many commendable things about Western culture, not least of which is its ability and willingness to absorb people from other cultures and celebrate the beautiful merging of ideas, traditions and customs.

Fourthly, I apologize if my post appeared in any way, shape or form arrogant or insensitive - sometimes writing quickly often causes me to make errors and mistakes, though there are no excuses whatsoever for them.

Finally, I am a full-time carer (of my Mother) and do not have children myself, so would never dream of demeaning or disrespecting those who choose not to have children.

 

[Jadz]

This is a fairly short sighted and frankly stupid post. It is because of thinking like this that so many couples who have deep personal issues and are not at all qualified to raise humans still end up having several kids who end up being a negative to society .

Very good of you to spend time reading my 'short-sighted and stupid post.'

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

First time I met such a person was when I work for a big corporate firm in NY.
This gentleman was originally from South Africa and he used to work in our logistic department. And the common ground between us was obviously cricket.

We had some good conversations with him.

So out of curiosity, I asked him over the lunch once. And his reason was basically, less worries, less effort, more freedom and more money to spend.

And the reason why I asked him is cuz at some point of my own life, I had decided not to have kids.
And my reason was the growing evil in the world with resources are drying up, and people getting more and more impatient, and spreading injustice, weather getting wild, inflation going through the roof, and life in general getting tougher. My philosophy was, I don't wanna leave my kids in this ever growing and unforgiving world.

I discussed these ideas with my wife, and she showed me the light by saying, "Look, God has sent good and bad people in EVERY era. And we will try our best in this ever growing evil world, that our kids be among the good people. There is always hope and we should always stay positive by supporting our good hopes with the effort of raising our kids in a good manner".

Alhamdollillah this was one of the best advices I got, and God blessed us with healthy and happy kids. And within our means, we are trying our best to bring them up as balanced people who are positive and productive towards the society, know and enjoy the concept of clean fun, and focus on their education.

Each to it's own, but yes indeed, the challenge is worth the cherished time you spent with your kids and family. It's a feeling that can't be captured in words when you see your kids growing up to be young, strong, energetic, curious, sportive, and learning new things on their own, and also taking the guidance from you. There is nothing better than that.

Thank you for your comprehensive reply detailing your own experiencing in mulling about having or not wanting to have kids.

I actually respect your process of decision making. You simply did not jump into taking a decision either way. It appears you took your time, weighed all the possible scenarios, talked with your wife and arrived at what seems like a very good decision for you.

Just to clarify further -as I mentioned clearly in my original post - I did not begin with the idea of having more money or time and then deciding not to have kids.

I'd like to use a loose cricketing analogy to simplify my position. It is like me refusing to open the batting. An opener is responsible for a good start, you have to face the worst of bowling right at the beginning, the precarious nature of the pitch and if you get out on the first ball it immediately puts pressure on the batting line up. Since I have the self awareness that I do not have the mental and physical faculties to face the pressure of opening the batting - I decide to bat in any place other than the opening position.

So, once I started batting in the middle order I found some advantages like the pitch being more flat, facing lesser threatening bowlers, fielders more wide spread and generally better batting conditions.

So finding the advantages of batting in the middle order was a natural corollary to not wanting to bat as an opener. Since I did not want to open the only option left for me was to bat somewhere else.

Similarly, I was quite clear in my mind that the pressure of being a parent is something that I am mentally not at all equipped to handle. So once I chose not to have kids - in comparison to others - I simply happened to discover the advantages in terms of having more money and time. But that was never the original motivation to not have kids.

I, like many South Asians feel duty bound to take care of my parents in their old age. My parents do not financially have a support system to fall back on. The government does not offer any social security safety net. There is a sense of pride in knowing the fact that my parents back home are able to live a lifestyle where they need not worry about any issue involving money. While money is not everything - in a country- where I come from- where poverty is one of the top problems - it does have a huge role in ensuring that my parents live a stress free life.

Recently my dad contracted Covid - both my brother and I played equally important roles. While I guaranteed for all practical purposes an endless supply of money till my dad recovered - my brother was physically with my parents running from pillar to post to actually take care of my parents.

The fact that I do not have kids meant I did not have to worry about using savings from my kid's education fund etc., because I think if I had kids perhaps I would have been wracked by some amount of guilt not knowing where to draw the line in terms of supporting my parents and also having enough money to take care of my kids.

But also see the joy in my brother's eyes when he interacts with his kids and even I enjoy spending time with my nephew and niece.

So as you rightly pointed out - it is really up to the each individual to carefully weigh all considerations before taking a life-changing, permanent, irreversible decision to want to have kids.

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

Thank you, Brother, for your courtesy as well as for your thought-provoking replies.

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your wife's health issues, and pray that God bless her and restore strength to her.

Secondly, it was certainly not my intention to sound preachy or judgemental, but only to draw attention to certain narratives, becoming fashionable and prevalent in the West, about the inadvisability of having children.

Thirdly, I totally endorse all your comments about the West, I have lived in England all my life and find the British to be very warm, welcoming, respectful and compassionate - there are many commendable things about Western culture, not least of which is its ability and willingness to absorb people from other cultures and celebrate the beautiful merging of ideas, traditions and customs.

Fourthly, I apologize if my post appeared in any way, shape or form arrogant or insensitive - sometimes writing quickly often causes me to make errors and mistakes, though there are no excuses whatsoever for them.

Finally, I am a full-time carer (of my Mother) and do not have children myself, so would never dream of demeaning or disrespecting those who choose not to have children.

Please, there is absolutely no need for an apology whatsoever.

And I admire the role you are playing in taking care of your mother. My best wishes to you and your entire family.

 

[ElRaja]

this is pbly one of the most complex questions of our age. we live in a time where we are very aware of the burden on resources having a kid implies, whilst conversely we also know what economic burdens inverted demographics cause.

we live in a time where modern medicine has given us the means to care for our kids beyond anything possible for thousands of years, at the same time made us realise that the impulse to procreate is primarily genetically hardwired into us.

i personally would want to have kids, but with time have greater understanding of why people might not want to. its a massive commitment, and its better to say no and walk away than to do a half arsed job every time imo.

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

this is pbly one of the most complex questions of our age. we live in a time where we are very aware of the burden on resources having a kid implies, whilst conversely we also know what economic burdens inverted demographics cause.

we live in a time where modern medicine has given us the means to care for our kids beyond anything possible for thousands of years, at the same time made us realise that the impulse to procreate is primarily genetically hardwired into us.

i personally would want to have kids, but with time have greater understanding of why people might not want to. its a massive commitment, and its better to say no and walk away than to do a half arsed job every time imo.

You have succinctly encapsulated my ideas in your very last paragraph. It indeed -among other things- a massive commitment - a lifelong and irreversible commitment. I just wanted to expose the idea that not everybody may have the mental capability to accept the responsibility.

I at least know of a couple of my close friends who confided into me saying that "I wish I did not have kids". Now it is entirely possible they blurted that out because maybe they are going through a particularly difficult phase and they just let go of their filters. I funnily replied that "well at least do not tell the kid that".

This is not like your average run of the mill decision like buying a shirt from Walmart and choosing to return it back if you do not like it. Once you have a kid - that is it. That kid is your life-long responsibility (ideally you'll be responsible for 18-22 years etc.,). There's no option for a refund with a kid.

 

[leonidas_alexandar]

If the wife wants, husband doesn't then it is selfish.

If the husband doesn't but the wife wants then it isn't selfish.

This is the root cause of so many depression issues that males have now a days. You need to bow down under the pressure whether you like it or not.

As for OP, you should have had made that clear before the marriage that you don't want kids (regardless of medical complications). If you didn't, then it was a very bad idea.

Of course my wife knew in advance of my thoughts about kids. We dated for a couple of years and as you know - kids was one of the first and important things we discussed much before even the idea of marriage was even broached.

 

[moghul]

While this is a deeply personal topic - I just wanted to find out if there are any posters here who are married or single - who at this point in time - are not inclined to have kids.

Choosing to be child-free (actively deciding not to have kids) or child-less (not being able to have kids due to health issues) - is still a topic even in the West that is subject to many uninformed opinions.

My situation is a mix of both - while I am infinitely scared of having kids - it just gives me tremendous amount of anxiety/fear just thinking about having kids - my wife unfortunately is in a situation where if she wanted to have kids with me - it could come at a reasonably serious health risk to her.

Eventually we decided not to have kids.

While it is understandable that my wife was hurt - she has eventually learned to accept the reality of our situation.


But as a natural corollary of not wanting or not being able to have kids - we do experience certain things in life that are not particularly negative.

1) DISPOSABLE INCOME - Since we both work and make decent amount of money - we do have reasonable amount of disposable income and it gives us tremendous amount of financial flexibility. Currently my wife quit her regular job and has taken a part time job to pursue higher studies and it was a pretty easy decision as we did not have to factor in expenses/savings for our non existent kids. Also it allows me to send money back home to my parents without feeling any sense of guilt (I am not sure if I would have been able to send the money that I do send now if I had a couple of kids for example). There are other smaller perks like being able to travel abroad frequently etc.,

2) TIME - This is one thing that we do not complain about. Once back home from work - it appears we have plenty of time to really spend it in any way that we choose to desire. This has allowed us to travel, pursue our hobbies, socialize etc.,

Overall I guess we need to really follow our hearts in deciding about really life-changing, permanent commitments like choosing to have kids.

Are there are any posters here who chose not to have kids? And for those who do have kids - did that involve a conscious decision or it was something that was taken for granted that it simply had to happen after getting married.

I invite your thoughts.

In your case , it should be easy decision, if your wife would face serious health issue due to pregnancy, you should not have kids. Having kids while risking serious health issue is not only bad for her but also for the future child .

If you really wants to have kinds, then adoption is definitely a good option .

Wish your family health and happiness.

 

[Itachi]

I don't understand the "burden with resources etc etc while bringing a kid".

The resource scarcity will always be there. It's always survival of the fittest.

That's why we try to install the abilities in our kids via which he or she has better chance of survival.

Not going for kids for the fear of less resources is the cowards way because it's actually YOU who DO NOT WANT to provide the base, ground and hence, you know that, that kid won't be able to survive in a harsh world later on.

The lack of confidence is inside you.

 

[Thomaskutty]

2) TIME - This is one thing that we do not complain about. Once back home from work - it appears we have plenty of time to really spend it in any way that we choose to desire. This has allowed us to travel, pursue our hobbies, socialize etc..

Travel, hobbies etc are all superficial pursuits that will produce immediate and temporary pleasure that will eventually bore you out. Children introduce the atrribute of unconditional love to your life, something every human should experience.

There are couples who've made this choice and now feel a massive hole in their life dut to lack of kids. They regret their decision but won't admit it because they don't want friends to feel sorry for them and now lead quiet lives of desperation.

 

[bones]

I don't know if I have ever seen or heard about someone with the opinion "I wish I didn't have a child".

I have heard and seen people who have the opinion "I wish I did try for a child when I had the chance".

I also know people unable to have children due to infertility and the emotional pain is written all over their face. Yes there are social stigmas attached, but I think the innate desire to be a parent is what it is.

I just hope you don't end up in either the 2nd or 3rd category because it really is an awful place to be.

By the way on the topic of not having resources, I knew a kid I studied at school with, got married at 15 and became a dad a year later. He was from one of those families that wanted to get marriage done as soon as they could. Well anyways he went from being a kid like the rest of us to being a man. Having a kid changed him, he realised he had to work to earn, so started off at a Desi Sweet shop over the weekends and doing some painting/wallpapering in the evenings and holidays. Basically if you have a kid, you are forced into finding a way to support them. I occassionally see him and now he's doing better and has 4 kids.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Yes, of course one of the main drivers of my decision to move abroad is to help my family back home. And as you know I am not unique -literally hundreds of thousands of South Asians leave their home countries to the West to ensure that their families back home are taken care of.

I am assuming your parents or grand parents moved from Pakistan to the UK. Unless they moved along with their own parents at the same time - it is understandable that for the parents whose kids chose to leave Pakistan it must have been heart breaking to see their kids leave Pakistan for good. But the kids obviously have left to ensure a better future for their parents, for themselves and for their own future kids.

But here the question is not about taking care of parents - which of course I do. I was talking about why anyone may choose not to want to have kids.

I used to wonder what was wrong with people who didn't want to have kids, I grew up in a culture where it was considered the most natural thing in the world. It is of course, especially in the east, but in western culture there are actually some very good reasons to go child-free.

Firstly, the work culture doesn't really suit it, despite the fantastic efforts to accommodate parenting. Secondly, children are a massive responsibility, and while they are young, you have to give up a lot of your social activities, and holidays abroad are going to be out if that is a big part of them.

I have children, and wouldn't have it any other way, but I can now see why some people would prefer to stay a couple if it suits both parties. There are definitely advantages if you like the independent life.

 

[Stewie]

I don't understand the "burden with resources etc etc while bringing a kid".

The resource scarcity will always be there. It's always survival of the fittest.

That's why we try to install the abilities in our kids via which he or she has better chance of survival.

Not going for kids for the fear of less resources is the cowards way because it's actually YOU who DO NOT WANT to provide the base, ground and hence, you know that, that kid won't be able to survive in a harsh world later on.

The lack of confidence is inside you.

Haha, now we know why so much of the world population is concentrated in the Indian subcontinent, exactly this mentality.

It’s not a competition meray bhai. It’s simple statistics. Shared common values such as these result in extreme overcrowding and competition and unnecessary burden on the resources of the planet.. why? Just because every person thinks they are the ones who have a right to continue to multiply because they can do it and it would be justified. You can be a millionaire and have 100 kids like those moronic saudi sheikhs. Are you helping? Or are you so self conceited to think your seed will only produce geniuses like Einstein, Hawking, or the next Elon Musk?

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

Travel, hobbies etc are all superficial pursuits that will produce immediate and temporary pleasure that will eventually bore you out. Children introduce the atrribute of unconditional love to your life, something every human should experience.

There are couples who've made this choice and now feel a massive hole in their life dut to lack of kids. They regret their decision but won't admit it because they don't want friends to feel sorry for them and now lead quiet lives of desperation.

Having kids while not really wanting them or not having the financial and mental resources to sufficiently raise them will drain you for rest of yours lives and leave you in a state of permanent depression. The children will grow up to be useless members of society and always resent you.

But sure... go for the temporary pleasure of having your own offspring (as you say - no way to really measure that) whereas ruining your own lives, the lives of children you produced and most importantly, leaving society worse off.

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

I don't know if I have ever seen or heard about someone with the opinion "I wish I didn't have a child".

You need to get out more I guess

 

[Thomaskutty]

Having kids while not really wanting them or not having the financial and mental resources to sufficiently raise them will drain you for rest of yours lives

So you're saying poor people shouldn't have children ?

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

So you're saying poor people shouldn't have children ?

Poor people definitely shouldn’t have 5-6 children which they sometimes tend to have in the third world.

It is one of the reasons why a country like india remains poor because the poorest parts of society end up having the most children leaving most of their children condemned to a life guaranteed of poverty and struggle.

Sometimes people need to be less selfish and realize that they should not bring a child they cannot sufficiently raise

 

[ElRaja]

So you're saying poor people shouldn't have children ?

depends on which country you live in, if you live in a welfare state that will provide food, education and health care for your child than you can definitely have one or two kids. you are doing a service as most developed countries need couples to produce children at a rate at least enough to replace the parents.

but if you live in a poor country where you know you will not have state support, you should really ask yourself what kind of life you will be able to give your kids, because you are gambling with the life of someone who has no choice in being born and their welfare is solely your responsibility.

its not anyone elses place to tell people whether to have kids or not, but those who have children beyond their means to support them are not doing right by their kids.

 

[Thomaskutty]

but if you live in a poor country where you know you will not have state support, you should really ask yourself what kind of life you will be able to give your kids, because you are gambling with the life of someone who has no choice in being born and their welfare is solely your responsibility.

Given that most of humanity apart from the aristocrat classes for the last two millenia, was poor, this is a silly thing to say. You and I would not be living today if our ancestors thought this way. The poor must reproduce as well.. unless your definition of poor is a mentally unfit person.

 

[Varun]

Looking at this Coronavirus crisis it makes complete sense.

Why introduce a child into this world and make him live to 2100?

If the aunty brigade is after your life to produce a child, ask them to produce another one themselves and then raise it.

 

[Mamoon]

I cannot wait to become a father. Hopefully within the next year.

 

[ElRaja]

Given that most of humanity apart from the aristocrat classes for the last two millenia, was poor, this is a silly thing to say.

its a false equivalence, for millennia prior to the industrial revolution productivity was a direct function of human capital, more people was more productivity, so directly or indirectly each child born required a short term investment (pre puberty) before their capital could be realised. This is before we account for the easier access to clean water, food, clothes and shelter, pre the IR, especially in asia and china.

we live in an era now where the marginal utility of labour is decreasing sharply, and the required investment in sustainence and education have increased sharply to the point where you have vast numbers of unemployed young people in poor countries who have negligible economic output.

You and I would not be living today if our ancestors thought this way. The poor must reproduce as well.. unless your definition of poor is a mentally unfit person.

if that was really the case then poor countries wouldn't spend billions on population control, which invariably targeted the poorest in society.

 

[Stewie]

Looking at this Coronavirus crisis it makes complete sense.

Why introduce a child into this world and make him live to 2100?

If the aunty brigade is after your life to produce a child, ask them to produce another one themselves and then raise it.

Agreed.

But here is my thought.. different strokes for different folks. Some people really really want children. I respect that. But don’t go overpopulating earth. Similarly, I want those who think children are the greatest blessing one MUST have to respect the ideas of those who feel bringing a child into the world might not be the right decision for them.

I love children, but I also fear for the sort of world they will face when over population and global warming as ruined the planet. They will be the ones to bear the consequences of our misdeeds and inactions to protect our planet.

 

[Hitman]

I cannot wait to become a father. Hopefully within the next year.

My best wishes to you!

 

[pillionrider]

OP has provided all the good reasons to not have kids.

But surely there is the flip side to it, that you'd already have experienced. By not mentioning the negatives, this thread looks more like one seeking validation.

 

[Itachi]

so:

1. since there is global warming, one shouldn't think about being a parent.

2. since there are wars, violence exists in this world, let's not bring a child to this world.

3. since there's corona virus, let's not have kids.

4. since there's less scarcity of resources and there may chance that you may not able to fulfill every requirement of a child, you shouldn't think about being a mother or father.

these are 4 reasons from above.

In summary,

1. if you are poor, don't even think about having a kid. It is only the rich people who have sole authority on this.

2. if someone opposes above, throw the other extremes of how one can feed 100 kids? (carefully skipping of poor people having 1 or 2).

3. until we can make world a better place, no kids should be allowed to be born.

4. global warming is creating a havoc so much that another child in the list is like pushing him towards death just after birth.

Let human race extinct or rather, continue vide rich people and poor people should be weeded out.

 

[Stewie]

so:

1. since there is global warming, one shouldn't think about being a parent.

2. since there are wars, violence exists in this world, let's not bring a child to this world.

3. since there's corona virus, let's not have kids.

4. since there's less scarcity of resources and there may chance that you may not able to fulfill every requirement of a child, you shouldn't think about being a mother or father.

these are 4 reasons from above.

In summary,

1. if you are poor, don't even think about having a kid. It is only the rich people who have sole authority on this.

2. if someone opposes above, throw the other extremes of how one can feed 100 kids? (carefully skipping of poor people having 1 or 2).

3. until we can make world a better place, no kids should be allowed to be born.

4. global warming is creating a havoc so much that another child in the list is like pushing him towards death just after birth.

Let human race extinct or rather, continue vide rich people and poor people should be weeded out.

Nobody is telling you to not have kids. Some people choose to not have kids for those reasons. I respect that. I respect other people’s opinion to have kids as well. I think it’s pathetic to question other people’s belief in the subject and Pooh Pooh their idea using “survival of the fittest” or Darwinism. That’s in poor taste.

 

[in_cutter]

If it is meant to happen, you will have kids...regardless of how you plan.

 

[Itachi]

Nobody is telling you to not have kids. Some people choose to not have kids for those reasons. I respect that. I respect other people’s opinion to have kids as well. I think it’s pathetic to question other people’s belief in the subject and Pooh Pooh their idea using “survival of the fittest” or Darwinism. That’s in poor taste.

That is in poor taste?

Here all the supporters are, by showing the reasons I wrote above that, that those who wants kids have no respect towards the environment, doesn't care about what happens to his/her child since he is the one who brought this child to warn torned/covid world.

Its indirectly making people guilty for their decisions for having kids and you are telling me my protest for poor people having the right to have kids is in POOR TASTE?

I didn't use that. Those who supported themselves brought it in.

And stop being acting like a teen ager by writing words such as pooh pooh. Be an adult and use appreciate terms in a respected forum like PP. You are a veteran poster. Atleast act like one.

 

[Mankaded]

And stop being acting like a teen ager by writing words such as pooh pooh. Be an adult and use appreciate terms in a respected forum like PP. You are a veteran poster. Atleast act like one.

Perhaps he was using the term to indicate how the other posters are being childish and hence used an appropriate term to describe their behaviour.

Anyway using this as a point of criticism is quite infantile in my opinion and shouldn't be done by other more respectful and veteran posters either.

 

[Mankaded]

As for the subject at hand, I myself have no biological children but raised my step daughter from the age of 4. The joys that comes with being a parent, that feeling that someone loves and needs you (till a certain time) unconditionally and you being able to provide for them and guide them cannot be compared with anything in the world.

Everyone has the right to experience this and many yearn to do so because it is coded into our DNA. However all parameters should be taken into consideration before hand that the child wouldn't want for anything and that the parents themselves know for sure that they are ready for it and can handle the challenges and responsibilities that come with raising a child.

Ideally people who cannot have children and really want one should adopt. I had no blood links to my daughter but I came to love her unconditionally anyway as one will most often than not with a child. It is just that some people want their blood line to go forward and having kids is more about them and their insecurities rather than the children.

And lastly if you can afford to have children have as many as you want (however I would rather either raise or sponsor orphans after 2 children max) but don't bring children into this world just for the sake of it or because you don't believe or understand (in the case of poor people) contraceptive methods because you are more often than not bringing the child in to a life of hurt.

 

[Itachi]

As for the subject at hand, I myself have no biological children but raised my step daughter from the age of 4. The joys that comes with being a parent, that feeling that someone loves and needs you (till a certain time) unconditionally and you being able to provide for them and guide them cannot be compared with anything in the world.

Everyone has the right to experience this and many yearn to do so because it is coded into our DNA. However all parameters should be taken into consideration before hand that the child wouldn't want for anything and that the parents themselves know for sure that they are ready for it and can handle the challenges and responsibilities that come with raising a child.

Ideally people who cannot have children and really want one should adopt. I had no blood links to my daughter but I came to love her unconditionally anyway as one will most often than not with a child. It is just that some people want their blood line to go forward and having kids is more about them and their insecurities rather than the children.

And lastly if you can afford to have children have as many as you want (however I would rather either raise or sponsor orphans after 2 children max) but don't bring children into this world just for the sake of it or because you don't believe or understand (in the case of poor people) contraceptive methods because you are more often than not bringing the child in to a life of hurt.

You've my respect. I wish my best wishes for you, your daughter and your family.

 

[IAJ]

It is a careful and a personal decision to make for each couple. Personally I love having kids and me/my wife are very blessed to not have any health or financial issues that could stand in the way of this. Got 2 now and planning to have at least 1-2 more.

Hopefully one of them can go on and represent Leeds Utd one day

 

[Mankaded]

You've my respect. I wish my best wishes for you, your daughter and your family.

Thank You, but I don`t really think I have done anything THAT respect worthy.

 

[Afhan Ali]

I can't wait to become a father. Deeply sudden with an early miscarriage .

 

[Savak]

I am 36 years old now while my wife will be 21 soon. I actually felt that i would end up getting married around 31-32 atleast but it wasn't meant to be. Because i am living in Canada and i ended up marrying my wife from Pakistan, because of the Covid Pandemic our spousal sponsorship application has been in Limbo, but she just recently got a Temporary Residence Visa which means i can now finally bring her over to live with me in Canada.

Finally the real test b/w me and my spouse begins because a long distance relationship is actually nothing in comparison to when two people actually end up living together. I am not against having kids, they are important after a while other wise a married couple will stagnate and potentially drift apart, but i also don't agree you should have them as soon as possible either. I don't personally want kids right now immediately, i would prefer to atleast wait for 2-3 years where i might feel differently and might change my mind. My wife also wants to pursue Law so i would prefer that she gets started on it and then as time goes on, see if she can manage the studying while also going through the process of child birth and being able to manage a kid.

Sadly, people in my friends circle and family have mostly been tar-getting me that i need to force and convince my wife to start a family asap because of my own age of 36 and been trying to shame me with questions like "Why did you get married so late in life?", "Do you honestly think it is right and fair for your kids to be 10-15 years old while you are in your mid 50's, approaching 60 and close to retirement?", "How do you know or guarantee whether you will be in good health and capable of earning, supporting your family at that time?"

 

[dildilpak]

I am 36 years old now while my wife will be 21 soon. I actually felt that i would end up getting married around 31-32 atleast but it wasn't meant to be. Because i am living in Canada and i ended up marrying my wife from Pakistan, because of the Covid Pandemic our spousal sponsorship application has been in Limbo, but she just recently got a Temporary Residence Visa which means i can now finally bring her over to live with me in Canada.

Finally the real test b/w me and my spouse begins because a long distance relationship is actually nothing in comparison to when two people actually end up living together. I am not against having kids, they are important after a while other wise a married couple will stagnate and potentially drift apart, but i also don't agree you should have them as soon as possible either. I don't personally want kids right now immediately, i would prefer to atleast wait for 2-3 years where i might feel differently and might change my mind. My wife also wants to pursue Law so i would prefer that she gets started on it and then as time goes on, see if she can manage the studying while also going through the process of child birth and being able to manage a kid.

Sadly, people in my friends circle and family have mostly been tar-getting me that i need to force and convince my wife to start a family asap because of my own age of 36 and been trying to shame me with questions like "Why did you get married so late in life?", "Do you honestly think it is right and fair for your kids to be 10-15 years old while you are in your mid 50's, approaching 60 and close to retirement?", "How do you know or guarantee whether you will be in good health and capable of earning, supporting your family at that time?"

Honestly that last para is b***, its not the 50s decades anymore where life expectancy was 60, with modern medicine & in general good awareness of health, exercise etc life expectancy is increasing, not decreasing. From our personal experience, one should not hurry to have a child if one is not fully committed to it- because, honestly children are a lot of work & financial commitment too. We waited 6 years after our marriage to have kids because we werent ready for it - & honestly that was the best thing ever. We roamed the world enjoying our time together as a couple, which we could not have done with the kids & when we were ready to have kids, we were financially & emotionally prepared for it.

 

[Savak]

My friends when some of them had to marry when they were young for no choice except for the fact that the girls they were dating in their class were their age and could not wait for them till they were 30-32, they even had a kid or two a year or two after marriage and i remember how much they would complain about the pressures, burdens of responsibility they feel upon having to marry younger than they wanted too, how they didn't want to start a family right now but it happened and how much they envied me for still being single.

Now these same friends are now relatively stable financially and have kids who are 6-8 years old who don't quite need baby sitting 24/7 and now these guys wear lol getting through that tough time period like a badge of honour and take pot shots at me for not getting married earlier and for not getting started on being a father at an early age. I lost my faith in people a long time ago for good reason.

 

[Itachi]

Savak, to be honest, even from earlier threads also, your life have been dictated by others.

You are married now. You'll have to make your own decisions, own standing and stick with it and face the consequences whether good or bad.

They can dictate because you are giving them power to dictate. Sooner or later, your wife will complain about it and you'll have no answers to it.

Its becoming a recipe for disaster.

 

[Tubs]

There is nothing wrong with being childless. Life can be fulfilling without having them, certainly. It seems that the idea of kids gives you anxiety independent of your wife's health issues (which I am sorry to hear about by the way, have you consulted a gynaecologist to get the best idea of the risks?), so that is something in and of itself. Is there social/familial pressure for you to have children? If you are indeed Pakistani like we all our speculating, there is a lot of backwards ideas of how children are required, from both a religious and cultural perspective. You seem to value your childless life, so that shows that you can be happy without children, it definitely isn't a necessity.

Still, the only other person who matters in this is your wife. What does she want? Is she willing to go through the risk (sorry if that sounds glib, unsure how else to put it)? Adoption is always an option of course, but that won't ease the anxieties about children in general.

 

[Kroll]

Honestly that last para is b***, its not the 50s decades anymore where life expectancy was 60, with modern medicine & in general good awareness of health, exercise etc life expectancy is increasing, not decreasing. From our personal experience, one should not hurry to have a child if one is not fully committed to it- because, honestly children are a lot of work & financial commitment too. We waited 6 years after our marriage to have kids because we werent ready for it - & honestly that was the best thing ever. We roamed the world enjoying our time together as a couple, which we could not have done with the kids & when we were ready to have kids, we were financially & emotionally prepared for it.

I think the Pakistani mindset and perhaps the wider subcontinent, is still ingrained in the 50's.

 

[MenInG]

Isnt this contrary to the teachings of Islam? (being child free)

 

[dildilpak]

Isnt this contrary to the teachings of Islam? (being child free)

What if there is a risk of life due to kids?

 

[James]

It is a careful and a personal decision to make for each couple. Personally I love having kids and me/my wife are very blessed to not have any health or financial issues that could stand in the way of this. Got 2 now and planning to have at least 1-2 more.

Update.

Might no longer be having more.

2 is an absolute handful!

 

[James]

I can't wait to become a father. Deeply sudden with an early miscarriage .

Very sorry to hear that.

 

[James]

Hopefully one of them can go on and represent Leeds Utd one day

Myself and my son are on the waiting list for a season ticket — first step taken!

 

[James]

I cannot wait to become a father. Hopefully within the next year.

Hopefully this happened for you bro.

 

[jeetu]

I got married pushing 40's my wife is 2 years younger. For most part of my life i was scared to be in relationship and don't want to care for someone else, so preferred living single life. Anyways given late marriage for both neither of us wanted a child. However mindset changed when she got pregnant.
I am glad that my child was born healthy although there were risks. As it turned out chromosome error in kids have higher chances of happening when mother is other than 35.
I am glad that i am a father now and if parents can give food , shelter and education to his kid then they should have atleast one kid. Its worth it.

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

I got married pushing 40's my wife is 2 years younger. For most part of my life i was scared to be in relationship and don't want to care for someone else, so preferred living single life. Anyways given late marriage for both neither of us wanted a child. However mindset changed when she got pregnant.
I am glad that my child was born healthy although there were risks. As it turned out chromosome error in kids have higher chances of happening when mother is other than 35.
I am glad that i am a father now and if parents can give food , shelter and education to his kid then they should have atleast one kid. Its worth it.

How old were you when you had kid.

Do you worry that you will be already approaching retirement age as kids go to college?

 

[jeetu]

How old were you when you had kid.

Do you worry that you will be already approaching retirement age as kids go to college?

I had my kid few months shy of turning 41. The first 5 years requires lots of care. After 5 years child starts to communicate better , gets potty trained , starts to eat a bit on its known. Also spends alot of hours in school. So things become relaxing. I don't worry much regarding getting old or even dropping dead , as i have secured enough for him to get by atleast till he's in early 20's. In 20's he will be a proper grown man , he can decide his future on his own.

 

[dildilpak]

I got married pushing 40's my wife is 2 years younger. For most part of my life i was scared to be in relationship and don't want to care for someone else, so preferred living single life. Anyways given late marriage for both neither of us wanted a child. However mindset changed when she got pregnant.
I am glad that my child was born healthy although there were risks. As it turned out chromosome error in kids have higher chances of happening when mother is other than 35.
I am glad that i am a father now and if parents can give food , shelter and education to his kid then they should have atleast one kid. Its worth it.

Congrats bro on becoming a father. And while its true that chromosomal abnormalities slightly increase after the maternal age of 35, there are many non-invasive genetic screenings available these days which mitigate that risk. If you are healthy, age shouldnt be a barrier these days to become a parent.