The Decision To Be Child-Free

[jeetu]

Congrats bro on becoming a father. And while its true that chromosomal abnormalities slightly increase after the maternal age of 35, there are many non-invasive genetic screenings available these days which mitigate that risk. If you are healthy, age shouldnt be a barrier these days to become a parent.

Thanks.
We were not provided with any non invasive option. So my wife had to go through "Amniocentesis" which is quite invasive and bit risky option. Doctors told us that it wasn't good option to have a baby with Down syndrome so to rule that case out Amniocentesis was necessary.
Till the result came , those were 3 nerve wrecking days.

 

[Salma_T]

Interesting post, more and more people are deciding not to have children and I just want to say....children are not a guarantee you will not have a lonely/be in care.
I have only 1 son and would loved to have another but it was never meant to be and have made my peace with it. Children is a very personal decision and in our south Asian communities life isn't deemed complete without children maybe the narrative needs to change. I have heard from many Indians (from India) only wanting 1 child due to all mentioned issues, expense, resources and the competition to get good jobs etc. Each to their own....just never judge anyone's life choices.

 

[dildilpak]

Thanks.
We were not provided with any non invasive option. So my wife had to go through "Amniocentesis" which is quite invasive and bit risky option. Doctors told us that it wasn't good option to have a baby with Down syndrome so to rule that case out Amniocentesis was necessary.
Till the result came , those were 3 nerve wrecking days.

I can imagine - CVS/Amnio is a hard choice! I dont know what the protocols are in India or other countries but here in US you can opt for nuchal translucency & other non-invasive first trimester screenings which not perfect, will give you an early assessment of down syndrome & some other genetic conditions. I am aware about this because we have a down syndrome case in my immediate family so we opted to go for these screenings to rule out down syndrome in my kids.

 

[jeetu]

Interesting post, more and more people are deciding not to have children and I just want to say....children are not a guarantee you will not have a lonely/be in care.
I have only 1 son and would loved to have another but it was never meant to be and have made my peace with it. Children is a very personal decision and in our south Asian communities life isn't deemed complete without children maybe the narrative needs to change. I have heard from many Indians (from India) only wanting 1 child due to all mentioned issues, expense, resources and the competition to get good jobs etc. Each to their own....just never judge anyone's life choices.

In these times i think 1 is enough. Among my cousins most have 1 child , others have 2. No one opted for third child.
Its a far cry from my grandfather's times who had 2 still born then 12 healthy children (no twins).

 

[Salma_T]

In these times i think 1 is enough. Among my cousins most have 1 child , others have 2. No one opted for third child.
Its a far cry from my grandfather's times who had 2 still born then 12 healthy children (no twins).

I do agree, as I get that your child will be lonely etc but you could be a child on a family of 5 children and still be lonely.
I am not a fan of mandated 1 child policy like in China but it seems people in India metros are making that choice, good on them.

 

[saeedhk]

India is moving ahead and its people are planning pregnancies and thinking twice before reproducing. Pakistan on the other hand continues to reproduce rapidly with no end in sight. It has the second highest fertility after Afghanistan with the average Pakistani woman having almost four children in her lifetime. All attempts at family planning and birth control by the government have been failure due to public opposition and regressive beliefs.

 

[jeetu]

I do agree, as I get that your child will be lonely etc but you could be a child on a family of 5 children and still be lonely.
I am not a fan of mandated 1 child policy like in China but it seems people in India metros are making that choice, good on them.

1 Child policy should not be forced , if parents wants second child then its their choice. In these times its not easy to do care for 2 children who are born not far apart. In Indian metro , i think mothers are actively avoiding second child because they are more career oriented now. At least that's the main reason for this among my extended family. In my case my wife is already in mid 40's so second child is too risky option to consider anyway.

 

[Salma_T]

1 Child policy should not be forced , if parents wants second child then its their choice. In these times its not easy to do care for 2 children who are born not far apart. In Indian metro , i think mothers are actively avoiding second child because they are more career oriented now. At least that's the main reason for this among my extended family. In my case my wife is already in mid 40's so second child is too risky option to consider anyway.

Not for mandates at all and you find when women start working the average children per woman decreases and this is happening in the metros now.

It funny how south Asians on a whole thing kids past mid/late 30 is risky where as many of the mum's in my son's class were late 30s early 40s when the kids were born.

 

[jeetu]

Not for mandates at all and you find when women start working the average children per woman decreases and this is happening in the metros now.

It funny how south Asians on a whole thing kids past mid/late 30 is risky where as many of the mum's in my son's class were late 30s early 40s when the kids were born.

What i have heard from doctor , the chances of children having genetics and other birth defects gets significantly higher after woman reaches 35. My wife failed the triple marker test. The age factor played a part in that.

 

[Mamoon]

Hopefully this happened for you bro.

Good news is 7 months away.

 

[jeetu]

Good news is 7 months away.

Congrats in advance.

 

[James]

Good news is 7 months away.

Amazing

Congratulations!

 

[the Great Khan]

Interesting topic. I'll give up some of my own experiences. So I got married in my twenties. It was an arranged marriage. I never had a girl friend or indulged in such. I wasnt from a mega strict familymy sister married her boyfriend and my brother married his girlfriend.

I came close to the deen and even went on Hajj before my marriage. To date I am the only one of the siblings who has stood on the same ground as our beloved Prophet PBUH. They are not that bothered. Both my parents are/were multiple Hajjis etc..

Coming onto the having children. My life has become infinitely more fulfilling with children. I can't imagine living without them. I now have my own tribe that is my responsibility and that will carry my father and his father's legacy forward. All the lessons and memories will be imparted to my children who will impart these lessons to their children. Thus my descendants will hopefully continue good work and make this world a better place.

Alot of people forget that it's not just about caring for you when you are old. I'm not as bothered about that. It's about praying for me when I'm gone. We believe that when you're long gone only your deeds, your sadqah jarrah and your pious children can help you.

Finally to the crux of the matter. Should you have children or not? Well it's your choice to try or not but not your choice to have a child. That is from the divine. if it is meant to be it will be. We believe that finances don't come into it. Yes be smart. Use your aqal. Think about your wife's well being. Can she handle more than one child or more than 3 for example. Does she have medical issues or age issues. And so forth. Finance comes down the list. What you earn is written. Everyone born into this world has their share written for them. That is why this population overload nonsense is rubbish. A lie sold by Western nations to poor nations to fool them. Yes be smart but don't fall for the rubbish.

For example I have two children. I do not intend to have more. I regret not having one more but now we are happy with our two. I used my Aqal and then left the rest to Allah swt. My wife had some issues after the birth of mybsecond child and I felt a third would have put her in difficulty. I guess Allah swt agreed with my wisdom.

Ultimately if you do have children it is your responsibility to bring them up properly. Show them love and affection. Care and firmness. Teach them what is good and what is not good. Give them the tools to be good people. If you do your job right theybwill enrich your life and the lives of those around them. If you fail prepare for a difficult time.

I see many parents failing their children daily due to their own selfish needs. The need to have a big car jice phone numerous holidays..all the bling but none of the responsibility. Their kids in turn grow up to be jabronis. Idiots who can't talk properly and who's manners are from the garbage bin. I hope we can all be good parents..

 

[Mamoon]

Congrats in advance.

Amazing

Congratulations!

Thank you.

It is amazing how your priorities and in fact your whole outlook on life completely changes as soon as you realize that you are about to (hopefully all goes well) become a parent.

The decision to be child-free is something I cannot fathom.

 

[Nikhil_cric]

It is an increasingly competitive world out there with rapidly depleting resources.

Unless a couple are exceptionally healthy, young enough and with great career prospects, couples should voluntarily abstain from having children imo. You do yourself and your children a disservice if you end up having kids if you are not highly qualified to be parents.

 

[JaDed]

I’m almost 34 and don’t feel the need for biological children yet.
I guess time will tell if i adopt..