Savak
Test Captain
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2006
- Runs
- 49,848
- Post of the Week
- 3
When i moved to Canada 5 years ago at the age of 30, i thought i will be taking a leap towards a much better future. I knew full well that my past educational qualifications would not have good standing over here but only upon landing and when i started living here did i realize how bad the situation really was for immigrants.
Since the last 5 years i have been studying and am still studying as that is what the economic system in Canada is like. But all of this has come at a price because I have neglected to do other things that I used to enjoy like exercising, working out. I have battled dyslexia all my life and was never really a top performing student, but here in Canada i have to work so hard to achieve decent to good grades to be competitive and that means devoting as much time as possible to studies along with doing odd jobs when i was in University which means no time for socializing, doing things you enjoy.
5 years is a pretty decent amount of time to be still struggling in a country, while i did get into my field and have 2 years of work experiences, getting laid off in this country is a dark reality.
I come from a very conservative family where from childhood to now, I was discouraged from being out late, for having female friends, lol the few times when a girl called me at home when i was in school, they threw a huge fit. But i also have a very wierd personality as well. I don't fall for girls as often as most regular people, the few female friends that i did end up making in my life i never ever felt romantically inclined towards them and like my sister once teased me "That's because they are butt ugly". Obviously if a girl is out of my league i will freeze up and not know what to do to help myself.
From childhood to now given that i was raised in a strict religious, conservative household i was always told and given the message not to worry about ever finding someone for myself and that this is the duty of parents and that this is what they are suppossed to do and responsible for.
When i tried to pursue someone i liked 7-8 years ago where i relied on other people to try and help me out because i didn't have the knowledge on how to go about doing it, i didn't want to risk rejection because i knew that if i were to try and do the whole thing on my own, i would end up badly embarrassing myself and failing miserably. Apart from many criticisms i received "one criticism i received back then was that this is the responsibility of your parents, so many people rely on their parents for this, it is the smart thing to do, it makes everything stress free, hassle free and you don't have to do anything, you are dumb for trying to pursue a girl you like on your own"
For the last 3-4 years a vast majority of my extended family members, my grand mother have always commented on my single status, made fun of me, made comments on me aging out for a good arranged marriage openly even in social gatherings irrespective of how much i was making or whether i came from a well endowed family or not. Some have gone as far to say “If you get married at 35-36, you have kids at 39-40, most of your kids will just be starting university or not even have finished high school by the time you reach retirement age, do you seriously think you are being fair and just to them?”
I then saw that these extended relatives were strongly lobbying for girls in their families who were either 2-3 years older to me, my age or 2-3 years younger who with due respect were either over weight, looked old or had broken engagements, nikkah ceremonies in the past, a lot of them had very decent jobs and had prestigious qualifications in Canada or the US, i was prepared to overlook all this if i was actually genuinely interested in them but i wasn't and I got very heavily criticized for it among my extended to distant family members. In Pakistan, I mostly observed that it was the guy and his family who were mostly responsible for taking the initiative to approaching and going up to the girls family, but here in Canada and the US I have actually observed that the girls family is the one which is trying to make gestures and overtures to the guys family.
I eventually reached a point of panic when my parents themselves pressurized me to agree to a first cousin of mine and this is where i realized that the my expectations about arranged marriages from childhood were not in tune with reality. The worst part was my mother was extremely upset with me for not agreeing with their request to say yes to my first cousin who was 10 -12 years younger to me, whom I had never even looked in that way and her reasons were “She is your mamu’s daughter, you know your mamu, having someone in the family gives us tremendous comfort”. Well guess what, this year I found out that the girl drinks with her friends, smokes and does drugs (not that I have anything against these things personally), but the whole eye opening thing about this was that you cannot just blindly agree to what your parents, elders dictate to you, you have to go with your heart, your gut feeling and keep your eyes open. My mother was embarrassed when this whole thing came out and she was horrified as to how did she end up missing out on this and now she knows that I have no reason to take anything she says on the matter seriously.
Vast majority of my high school and college friends are all married now, some have even started families. I remember how stressed out they used to be when they first got out of college because the girl they were with in University could not wait for them so they desperately needed to find that great job and i still remember how a friend of mine would constantly tell me "You are so lucky that you don't have to worry about these things, just enjoy your life, just let your parents do the whole thing for you, trust me this whole girlfriend thing is a huge headache and only think about getting married once you hit 32-33 as that is the perfect time after you have established yourself in your career". I felt absolutely insulted, hurt when this same friend of mine a year earlier spoke to me in a very judgemental, condescending and in fact rude, hurtful tone "You have aged out now, times have changed now and even guys age out for marriage just like girls, why the hell haven't you been able to find a girl for yourself all these years, why are you being such a big burden on your parents, why are you still not that well established in your career and life, what is the point about you coming from a well endowed family, you don't have many options now, just accept an old girl now and deal with it"
After a long time, I finally ended up liking someone but unfortunately my parents are scared of rejection from the family as it is a pretty high profile family and have instead told me “No family goes to another family to ask for the girls hand unless they have a hundred percent guarantee that they will not be turned down” and this is after being told for the last 3-4 years “Is there someone that you like?”, “You haven’t suggested anyone to us yourself,”, “You never take anyone’s name”. Instead I have been told by my folks “If you want her, you try to pursue her yourself and if she agrees then you bring us in”. What was worse is that my parents then told me that they knew all my life I had been suffering from Aspergers Syndrome which explained the root cause of my social difficulties from childhood to now and that I would be extremely unfair on not telling any girl I am interested in about this. The more I read about this condition the more I realized how terrible this condition is for one’s social interactions and naturally that means it is challenging for an individual to have a romantic relationship.
I am living in Canada and she in Pakistan and I have no means of any contact apart from Facebook, apparently she has been dating a guy in college for the last few years but the girls father is apparently being very dead against the guy and his family. This is a girl with plenty of options and plenty of potential suitors. I have been mostly criticized for still being interested in her and for wanting to pursue her even though she has been in a relationship for a while and that I was being inhuman. My point of view is that if she is very happy with him then that is great, but if I was dating this girl “Would that stop someone else from wanting to pursue her inspite of knowing I was dating her?”. Personally speaking I am tired of living like a cat in a dogs world and you have to be competitive in this world.
I know desperation never leads to anything and me just flat out telling the girl as I experienced in my last episode 7 years ago just does not work especially if you have no solid connection or rapport or relationship with the girl. I have hired a dating coach but the kind of things he is instructing me to do is now just too time consuming, costly and I cannot waste time on these things.
Life is very depressing, I have stopped communicating with all my friends now because none of them know what my life is like in Canada in terms of career, they are no love guru’s and will not have any constructive useful answer to my pursuit of the love interest apart from clichéd things that I already know I should be doing “Talk to her, tell her you like her, force your parents to go to her parents e.t.c.”. I have also stopped talking to extended family members as all they do is comment on “Me aging out, not having good options”. Even talking to neutral people in general is a worthless exercise, all of them react as if I am just desperate for marriage with anyone and immediately start lobbying for someone they know
I know practically speaking I will have to focus on getting my professional life on track and then getting myself professionally settled as the first priority, I am going to try to enrol in a Masters program from a prestigious University to improve my career prospects so that I can get out of this rut of under employment. This could mean another 3-4 or even 5 years of hard work. Seeing my fellow friends enjoying bachelorhood earning decent salaries in jobs and fields where there is no stress to study further in Dubai/Singapore, always socializing, meeting friends for dinners, friends and their spouses going for vacations every year does get to me at times
The thought of just marrying someone for the sake of it terrifies me, the last thing I want to do is to marry someone I was never interested in due to family pressure only to later see that I am even more unhappy, bored, miserable and that 2 people are in a loveless, passionless relationship. Sometimes I do wonder how on earth do people unlike me get so lucky in their lives at very young ages where they like a girl, the girl reciprocates their feelings instantly without the guy having to work extremely hard for it and everything they do is purely natural.
Anyways, this is my dilemma, what to focus on primarily?
Since the last 5 years i have been studying and am still studying as that is what the economic system in Canada is like. But all of this has come at a price because I have neglected to do other things that I used to enjoy like exercising, working out. I have battled dyslexia all my life and was never really a top performing student, but here in Canada i have to work so hard to achieve decent to good grades to be competitive and that means devoting as much time as possible to studies along with doing odd jobs when i was in University which means no time for socializing, doing things you enjoy.
5 years is a pretty decent amount of time to be still struggling in a country, while i did get into my field and have 2 years of work experiences, getting laid off in this country is a dark reality.
I come from a very conservative family where from childhood to now, I was discouraged from being out late, for having female friends, lol the few times when a girl called me at home when i was in school, they threw a huge fit. But i also have a very wierd personality as well. I don't fall for girls as often as most regular people, the few female friends that i did end up making in my life i never ever felt romantically inclined towards them and like my sister once teased me "That's because they are butt ugly". Obviously if a girl is out of my league i will freeze up and not know what to do to help myself.
From childhood to now given that i was raised in a strict religious, conservative household i was always told and given the message not to worry about ever finding someone for myself and that this is the duty of parents and that this is what they are suppossed to do and responsible for.
When i tried to pursue someone i liked 7-8 years ago where i relied on other people to try and help me out because i didn't have the knowledge on how to go about doing it, i didn't want to risk rejection because i knew that if i were to try and do the whole thing on my own, i would end up badly embarrassing myself and failing miserably. Apart from many criticisms i received "one criticism i received back then was that this is the responsibility of your parents, so many people rely on their parents for this, it is the smart thing to do, it makes everything stress free, hassle free and you don't have to do anything, you are dumb for trying to pursue a girl you like on your own"
For the last 3-4 years a vast majority of my extended family members, my grand mother have always commented on my single status, made fun of me, made comments on me aging out for a good arranged marriage openly even in social gatherings irrespective of how much i was making or whether i came from a well endowed family or not. Some have gone as far to say “If you get married at 35-36, you have kids at 39-40, most of your kids will just be starting university or not even have finished high school by the time you reach retirement age, do you seriously think you are being fair and just to them?”
I then saw that these extended relatives were strongly lobbying for girls in their families who were either 2-3 years older to me, my age or 2-3 years younger who with due respect were either over weight, looked old or had broken engagements, nikkah ceremonies in the past, a lot of them had very decent jobs and had prestigious qualifications in Canada or the US, i was prepared to overlook all this if i was actually genuinely interested in them but i wasn't and I got very heavily criticized for it among my extended to distant family members. In Pakistan, I mostly observed that it was the guy and his family who were mostly responsible for taking the initiative to approaching and going up to the girls family, but here in Canada and the US I have actually observed that the girls family is the one which is trying to make gestures and overtures to the guys family.
I eventually reached a point of panic when my parents themselves pressurized me to agree to a first cousin of mine and this is where i realized that the my expectations about arranged marriages from childhood were not in tune with reality. The worst part was my mother was extremely upset with me for not agreeing with their request to say yes to my first cousin who was 10 -12 years younger to me, whom I had never even looked in that way and her reasons were “She is your mamu’s daughter, you know your mamu, having someone in the family gives us tremendous comfort”. Well guess what, this year I found out that the girl drinks with her friends, smokes and does drugs (not that I have anything against these things personally), but the whole eye opening thing about this was that you cannot just blindly agree to what your parents, elders dictate to you, you have to go with your heart, your gut feeling and keep your eyes open. My mother was embarrassed when this whole thing came out and she was horrified as to how did she end up missing out on this and now she knows that I have no reason to take anything she says on the matter seriously.
Vast majority of my high school and college friends are all married now, some have even started families. I remember how stressed out they used to be when they first got out of college because the girl they were with in University could not wait for them so they desperately needed to find that great job and i still remember how a friend of mine would constantly tell me "You are so lucky that you don't have to worry about these things, just enjoy your life, just let your parents do the whole thing for you, trust me this whole girlfriend thing is a huge headache and only think about getting married once you hit 32-33 as that is the perfect time after you have established yourself in your career". I felt absolutely insulted, hurt when this same friend of mine a year earlier spoke to me in a very judgemental, condescending and in fact rude, hurtful tone "You have aged out now, times have changed now and even guys age out for marriage just like girls, why the hell haven't you been able to find a girl for yourself all these years, why are you being such a big burden on your parents, why are you still not that well established in your career and life, what is the point about you coming from a well endowed family, you don't have many options now, just accept an old girl now and deal with it"
After a long time, I finally ended up liking someone but unfortunately my parents are scared of rejection from the family as it is a pretty high profile family and have instead told me “No family goes to another family to ask for the girls hand unless they have a hundred percent guarantee that they will not be turned down” and this is after being told for the last 3-4 years “Is there someone that you like?”, “You haven’t suggested anyone to us yourself,”, “You never take anyone’s name”. Instead I have been told by my folks “If you want her, you try to pursue her yourself and if she agrees then you bring us in”. What was worse is that my parents then told me that they knew all my life I had been suffering from Aspergers Syndrome which explained the root cause of my social difficulties from childhood to now and that I would be extremely unfair on not telling any girl I am interested in about this. The more I read about this condition the more I realized how terrible this condition is for one’s social interactions and naturally that means it is challenging for an individual to have a romantic relationship.
I am living in Canada and she in Pakistan and I have no means of any contact apart from Facebook, apparently she has been dating a guy in college for the last few years but the girls father is apparently being very dead against the guy and his family. This is a girl with plenty of options and plenty of potential suitors. I have been mostly criticized for still being interested in her and for wanting to pursue her even though she has been in a relationship for a while and that I was being inhuman. My point of view is that if she is very happy with him then that is great, but if I was dating this girl “Would that stop someone else from wanting to pursue her inspite of knowing I was dating her?”. Personally speaking I am tired of living like a cat in a dogs world and you have to be competitive in this world.
I know desperation never leads to anything and me just flat out telling the girl as I experienced in my last episode 7 years ago just does not work especially if you have no solid connection or rapport or relationship with the girl. I have hired a dating coach but the kind of things he is instructing me to do is now just too time consuming, costly and I cannot waste time on these things.
Life is very depressing, I have stopped communicating with all my friends now because none of them know what my life is like in Canada in terms of career, they are no love guru’s and will not have any constructive useful answer to my pursuit of the love interest apart from clichéd things that I already know I should be doing “Talk to her, tell her you like her, force your parents to go to her parents e.t.c.”. I have also stopped talking to extended family members as all they do is comment on “Me aging out, not having good options”. Even talking to neutral people in general is a worthless exercise, all of them react as if I am just desperate for marriage with anyone and immediately start lobbying for someone they know
I know practically speaking I will have to focus on getting my professional life on track and then getting myself professionally settled as the first priority, I am going to try to enrol in a Masters program from a prestigious University to improve my career prospects so that I can get out of this rut of under employment. This could mean another 3-4 or even 5 years of hard work. Seeing my fellow friends enjoying bachelorhood earning decent salaries in jobs and fields where there is no stress to study further in Dubai/Singapore, always socializing, meeting friends for dinners, friends and their spouses going for vacations every year does get to me at times
The thought of just marrying someone for the sake of it terrifies me, the last thing I want to do is to marry someone I was never interested in due to family pressure only to later see that I am even more unhappy, bored, miserable and that 2 people are in a loveless, passionless relationship. Sometimes I do wonder how on earth do people unlike me get so lucky in their lives at very young ages where they like a girl, the girl reciprocates their feelings instantly without the guy having to work extremely hard for it and everything they do is purely natural.
Anyways, this is my dilemma, what to focus on primarily?
