Do you agree with the concept of an arranged marriage?

[MenInG]

Arranged marriages come in different flavours and its not always the stereotyped one that we see in movies or maybe our parents went through back home!

So do you agree with the concept?

 

[Slog]

I agree when it’s assisted and when the guy and girl have the chance to meet and talk to each other beforehand and then make a decision on their own

What I don’t agree with it is what for me is basically forced marriage when the family picks the spouse and then the marriage happens without as much as the two people involved having talked to each other

 

[imrankhannsu]

I dont agree of any forced marriages. As long as the adults who are marrying are in good mental health and of marrying age (and not the same gender), I am for all marriages regardless of who arranged it.

 

[ChuckLee]

Arrange marriage is just a front for force marriage. Let’s be honest. It has no place in modern society.

Only people who partake in arranged marriage are the ones who abstain from sexual intercourse till marriage.

The reason why they settle for arranged marriage is, forceful Parenrs, cultural pressure, and of course their hormones.

Like every single arranged marriage I have observed, the first few years are magical while hormones rocket. But when that goes away and it now comes to a connection level relationship.

Well lets just say the husbands in the living room and the wife is in the kitchen. With no connection or anything in common except the children.

 

[ChuckLee]

I dont agree of any forced marriages. As long as the adults who are marrying are in good mental health and of marrying age (and not the same gender), I am for all marriages regardless of who arranged it.

Wait was that a homophobic post?

 

[Pakistanian]

I'm totally against it as of right now.

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

Somewhat agree.

Arrange marriage has been a key element in SC families.

 

[UP]

The way our culture revolves where there is no to little contact with the opposite sex especially in sc countries - arranged marriage is the only hope for guys/girls. What must be done is to let them chat/meet beforehand to see if there’s any connection.

 

[ManFan]

Modern arranged marriage where the bride and groom talk, text, and see each other in the company of family is perfectly fine.

Arranged marriages done without the permission of either the spouses are forced marriages, which is different and disregarding the purpose of the word, “arranged”.

 

[Savak]

Arranged Marriages now days are not like the Arranged Marriages of the 50's - 80's. Girls have a much bigger say now and the guy/girl even via the arranged route have to make their cases to each other and as i have learn't the hard way, unless the parents feel comfortable or get a guarantee of acceptance via intermediaries, the guy needs the girl on his side and her permission to send his parents over.

Modern society even in Pakistan is all about love marriages.

Regarding pros and cons of both, both have had amazing success stories and terrible failures so that is a never ending debate.

 

[Savak]

I agree when it’s assisted and when the guy and girl have the chance to meet and talk to each other beforehand and then make a decision on their own

What I don’t agree with it is what for me is basically forced marriage when the family picks the spouse and then the marriage happens without as much as the two people involved having talked to each other

Lol forced marriages probably happens with the lower socio economic classes in our society but in middle class, upper middle class it is all about love marriages now and trust me most arranged marriages that people perceived to have happened actually involved the guy/girl dating each other or knowing each other well before hand before getting families involved.

 

[Savak]

Arrange marriage is just a front for force marriage. Let’s be honest. It has no place in modern society.

The reason why they settle for arranged marriage is, forceful Parenrs, cultural pressure, and of course their hormones.

Like every single arranged marriage I have observed, the first few years are magical while hormones rocket. But when that goes away and it now comes to a connection level relationship.

Well lets just say the husbands in the living room and the wife is in the kitchen. With no connection or anything in common except the children.

I am sorry but that is not true at all

 

[Savak]

The way our culture revolves where there is no to little contact with the opposite sex especially in sc countries - arranged marriage is the only hope for guys/girls. What must be done is to let them chat/meet beforehand to see if there’s any connection.

This is what happens now. Even with my sister, both the guys family and my folks gave the guy and my sister permission to stay in touch via text, whatsapp, facebook, instagram for around 4-5 months and both families kept asking them "Hows it going?", "What do you think?", "Is it working out?"

My folks even told her "If you dont like him, if you don't feel comfortable, if there is no fit" then let us know but lol, trust me most girls cannot say anything negative or just say no without a very solid reason when both families get involved

 

[Abdul]

Where is strongly disagree?

 

[Musakhel]

Arranged marriage is necessary in a society such as Pakistan, otherwise many people especially guys would remain unmarried for life.

 

[ChuckLee]

This is what happens now. Even with my sister, both the guys family and my folks gave the guy and my sister permission to stay in touch via text, whatsapp, facebook, instagram for around 4-5 months and both families kept asking them "Hows it going?", "What do you think?", "Is it working out?"

My folks even told her "If you dont like him, if you don't feel comfortable, if there is no fit" then let us know but lol, trust me most girls cannot say anything negative or just say no without a very solid reason when both families get involved

4-5 months sending messages over different platforms is now sufficient for marrying someone, who youreill soend tbe resr od your life with and having children with. Brilliant.

 

[El Generico]

Arrange marriage is just a front for force marriage. Let’s be honest. It has no place in modern society.

Only people who partake in arranged marriage are the ones who abstain from sexual intercourse till marriage.

The reason why they settle for arranged marriage is, forceful Parenrs, cultural pressure, and of course their hormones.

Like every single arranged marriage I have observed, the first few years are magical while hormones rocket. But when that goes away and it now comes to a connection level relationship.

Well lets just say the husbands in the living room and the wife is in the kitchen. With no connection or anything in common except the children.

Lol, there are so many generalizations in this post that it's almost funny. I am sure forced marriages happen and they shouldn't. However I know a lot of people who have willingly gotten married in an arranged way. It's a bit OTT to say that all arranged marriages are a front for forced marriages.

 

[Slim]

I agree when it’s assisted and when the guy and girl have the chance to meet and talk to each other beforehand and then make a decision on their own

What I don’t agree with it is what for me is basically forced marriage when the family picks the spouse and then the marriage happens without as much as the two people involved having talked to each other

Pretty much this and thankfully thats what happens in most of urban Pakistan if not whole of Pakistan.

 

[Savak]

Arranged marriage is necessary in a society such as Pakistan, otherwise many people especially guys would remain unmarried for life.

Lol there is always a chance that a desperate guy and a desperate girl can end up with each other. Trust me girls have issues finding guys too and no matter how feminist, independent a girl likes to portray herself to be in public, no one wants to be single forever. I have seen an email from a Pakistani student sent to my dad where she was requesting his assistance in helping her and her family meet other Pakistani families that they know off.

 

[Savak]

4-5 months sending messages over different platforms is now sufficient for marrying someone, who youreill soend tbe resr od your life with and having children with. Brilliant.

There are phone conversations as well.

And please, there are plenty of stories of childhood sweethearts ending up getting divorced after 5-10 plus years after marriage so just because you have known and spent time with someone all your life is no guarantee your bond with her will remain unbreakable.

 

[Mamoon]

In my opinion, arrange marriage is the best option especially in our Pakistani society. There are two main issues that often emerge in love marriages: the attitude of the spouse and the attitude of the parents.

The dynamics of relationships change when you progress from boyfriend-girlfriend to husband-wife. In most cases, a man will not treat his wife in the same way as he would treat his girlfriend, and I don't necessarily mean it in a negative way, although it often is.

A boyfriend in most cases is likely to be more liberal and give his girlfriend more freedom than his wife, and he might give her more attention and care because he fears that she might find someone else. I have seen a few love marriages go bust because the wife cannot come to terms with the change in attitude of her former boyfriend and current husband.

For example, I know a couple who broke up because the guy did not let his wife smoke after marriage, even they though would smoke together before marriage. Some guys even put restrictions on their wives when it comes to have male friends, even though they don't have an issue before marriage. When you get married, because of the pressure of your family and society, you may not be comfortable with your wife doing the stuff that she did when she was just your girlfriend. Many girls are not ready for this change, and they expect no difference between you as a boyfriend and you as a husband.

Furthermore, parents often react differently to love marriages. If the relationship goes south, they can be quick to blame the guy or the girl for making a wrong choice and keep their own hands clean, but if things go bad in an arrange marriage, the parents are often less quick to blame you because they also share some responsibility in this relationship.

Both love and arrange marriages have their pros and cons, but in my opinion, the modern arrange marriage - as described by some posters - is the best option, and it is pretty much how most marriages happen in Pakistan nowadays (excluding remote villages/tribal people etc.).

 

[zeusathon]

Its okay for Pakistan as long as:
-It is done as early as possible
-Material and other statuses are not counted when measuring a guy
- Functions are kept simple and humble instead of Hinduish weddings
-Both partners are comfortable and happy with each other

Either this or go all west of no weddings for most of the times with tons of illegal relations. There is no inbetween.

 

[sjahmed23]

This concept is constantly evolving. I think the next generation will be more liberal when it comes to marriages. Heck even now, if you're going to a relationship you need to build an understanding before your nikah otherwise it raises too many red flags.

 

[Savak]

In my opinion, arrange marriage is the best option especially in our Pakistani society. There are two main issues that often emerge in love marriages: the attitude of the spouse and the attitude of the parents.

The dynamics of relationships change when you progress from boyfriend-girlfriend to husband-wife. In most cases, a man will not treat his wife in the same way as he would treat his girlfriend, and I don't necessarily mean it in a negative way, although it often is.

A boyfriend in most cases is likely to be more liberal and give his girlfriend more freedom than his wife, and he might give her more attention and care because he fears that she might find someone else. I have seen a few love marriages go bust because the wife cannot come to terms with the change in attitude of her former boyfriend and current husband.

For example, I know a couple who broke up because the guy did not let his wife smoke after marriage, even they though would smoke together before marriage. Some guys even put restrictions on their wives when it comes to have male friends, even though they don't have an issue before marriage. When you get married, because of the pressure of your family and society, you may not be comfortable with your wife doing the stuff that she did when she was just your girlfriend. Many girls are not ready for this change, and they expect no difference between you as a boyfriend and you as a husband.

Furthermore, parents often react differently to love marriages. If the relationship goes south, they can be quick to blame the guy or the girl for making a wrong choice and keep their own hands clean, but if things go bad in an arrange marriage, the parents are often less quick to blame you because they also share some responsibility in this relationship.

Both love and arrange marriages have their pros and cons, but in my opinion, the modern arrange marriage - as described by some posters - is the best option, and it is pretty much how most marriages happen in Pakistan nowadays (excluding remote villages/tribal people etc.).

I can tell from my mamu's experience that this is not true at all. I know for a fact he was pressurized into saying yes to his wife on every occasion. After the Nikkah he made it very clear to his dad that he didn't like his spouse, he felt something was seriously wrong with her and that he does not feel comfortable and he does not want to go through with it. However my nana was like "Shareef people and pathans once they have given their word do not go back on it", he tried lobbying with his siblings but none of them wanted to get involved in a confrontational situation with my nana. Plus my mamu also have severe self confidence issues and doesn't really take steps, decisions unless he gets solid backing from everyone.

Even during the marriage which lasted for 18 years, on many occasions he wanted to leave and divorce her but my nana never allowed him to do so and his siblings stayed out of it and mostly just kept telling him "Stay together, make it work together, do it for the sake of the kids".

The moment my nana developed severe Alzheimers and lost his cognitive functions and memory, my mamu became much more bolder, also his spouses behavior became much more out of control where she assaulted my khala and openly started abusing her in laws and could no longer hide the sczhiphrenic thoughts in her head "I saw you using my kids tooth brush in the toilet", "You guys are conspiring to hire a hitman to assasinate me", "You guys put poison in my milk", "You guys are using black magic against me", "You guys feel the reason why i come late from work is because i am having an affair with someone".

Eventually even the siblings had had enough of her antics and had no reason to fear how their father would react anymore and finally told my mamu "We will support any decision you make" at the age of 50 with an 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I personally witnessed my own mother who normally stays out of these things egg my mamu on in 2012 "Why don't you leave her?"

But every X, Y, Z including my mamu's siblings whenever he feels angry, depressed, let down by the fact they never stood by him or supported him when his father was alive and well, tell him "It is entirely your fault", "No one else is to blame", "You could have stood up to your father and siblings and done what you wanted", "You were a grown man, adult with a mind of your own, did someone put a gun to your head to force you to live with her and not disobey your parents and siblings?"

Seeing how everyone blames him and mocks him frustrates the hell out of me to this day.

 

[Pakpak]

There are phone conversations as well.

And please, there are plenty of stories of childhood sweethearts ending up getting divorced after 5-10 plus years after marriage so just because you have known and spent time with someone all your life is no guarantee your bond with her will remain unbreakable.

Its no guarantee but it helps. There is no guarantee of anything. You could marry someone by random lottery and it can work out, but it doesn't mean that everyone should start marrying people via lottery system.

 

[Mamoon]

I can tell from my mamu's experience that this is not true at all. I know for a fact he was pressurized into saying yes to his wife on every occasion. After the Nikkah he made it very clear to his dad that he didn't like his spouse, he felt something was seriously wrong with her and that he does not feel comfortable and he does not want to go through with it. However my nana was like "Shareef people and pathans once they have given their word do not go back on it", he tried lobbying with his siblings but none of them wanted to get involved in a confrontational situation with my nana. Plus my mamu also have severe self confidence issues and doesn't really take steps, decisions unless he gets solid backing from everyone.

Even during the marriage which lasted for 18 years, on many occasions he wanted to leave and divorce her but my nana never allowed him to do so and his siblings stayed out of it and mostly just kept telling him "Stay together, make it work together, do it for the sake of the kids".

The moment my nana developed severe Alzheimers and lost his cognitive functions and memory, my mamu became much more bolder, also his spouses behavior became much more out of control where she assaulted my khala and openly started abusing her in laws and could no longer hide the sczhiphrenic thoughts in her head "I saw you using my kids tooth brush in the toilet", "You guys are conspiring to hire a hitman to assasinate me", "You guys put poison in my milk", "You guys are using black magic against me", "You guys feel the reason why i come late from work is because i am having an affair with someone".

Eventually even the siblings had had enough of her antics and had no reason to fear how their father would react anymore and finally told my mamu "We will support any decision you make" at the age of 50 with an 18 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I personally witnessed my own mother who normally stays out of these things egg my mamu on in 2012 "Why don't you leave her?"

But every X, Y, Z including my mamu's siblings whenever he feels angry, depressed, let down by the fact they never stood by him or supported him when his father was alive and well, tell him "It is entirely your fault", "No one else is to blame", "You could have stood up to your father and siblings and done what you wanted", "You were a grown man, adult with a mind of your own, did someone put a gun to your head to force you to live with her and not disobey your parents and siblings?"

Seeing how everyone blames him and mocks him frustrates the hell out of me to this day.

Exceptions will always be there, but as a general trend, the guy or the girl can hope for better support from their parents when it comes to arrange marriages. You might coerce your parents into agreeing with your choice, but they will not easily forget that. Of course the reverse also happens - if parents insist on the marriage, the couple is often quick to deflect the problem to their parents if things get sour.

The example of your Mamu is an extreme one and the role that his father played when he was fit and healthy is quite disappointing, but most parents will not be like that. I do agree with him that the divorce should never be considered a possibility once you have kids. I know this an extreme opinion, but I have personal experience and it has a big impact on the kids. Once you become parents, your kids have an equal stake in your relationships and you have to do everything you can to protect your marriage for their sake.

I have seen people live like strangers under one roof but they are still together for the betterment of their kids. Divorce is a big deal in our society and its stain does not wash away, and the children have to carry it with themselves for no fault of theirs.

 

[Major]

[MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION]

poor post bro.

Arranged Marriage is the most ridiculous concept, because you are about to spend your life with someone who you don't even know.

Even when you make friends you dont befriend everyone, because there are some people you cant stand.


There is that bullcrap that is often used in favour of arrange marriage that they result in less divorce, thats because arrange marriages take place as both the male and female dont have any other option or have to please their parents.

An arrange Marriage will always be a good thing for a male, because he can get out of the marriage anytime he wants.

For a female, its not a good thing. Females are forced to live under rules of their husbands. THey are forced to follow of them and in some relationships i have seen the females becoming the battered wife.

The confidence of a female is destroyed by arrange marriage in most cases, and they can't get out of it, because females of subcontient are brainwashed that a divorced women is a big shame in society.


This forum is male dominated, thus a result cannot come here.

 

[pakistan cricket fan]

My marriage is arranged and i am happy so is my future wife

 

[Mamoon]

[MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION]

poor post bro.

Arranged Marriage is the most ridiculous concept, because you are about to spend your life with someone who you don't even know.

Even when you make friends you dont befriend everyone, because there are some people you cant stand.


There is that bullcrap that is often used in favour of arrange marriage that they result in less divorce, thats because arrange marriages take place as both the male and female dont have any other option or have to please their parents.

An arrange Marriage will always be a good thing for a male, because he can get out of the marriage anytime he wants.

For a female, its not a good thing. Females are forced to live under rules of their husbands. THey are forced to follow of them and in some relationships i have seen the females becoming the battered wife.

The confidence of a female is destroyed by arrange marriage in most cases, and they can't get out of it, because females of subcontient are brainwashed that a divorced women is a big shame in society.


This forum is male dominated, thus a result cannot come here.

You have to look at the pros and cons. What you are describing is a traditional arrange marriage, where there is little to no communication between the couple prior to ensgagement/nikkah, the age gap is usually considerable and the girl is often coerced into it due to societal pressure.

However, modern arrange marriages usually don’t work like that. The guy and the girl are given space and freedom to communicate before committing and they get to know each other better.

Yes in some cases, the guy can be two-faced and show a completely different side before marriage, but you tend to get a good idea about the customs of their family and their traditions.

Love marriages have its cons too, and if a girl seeks divorce out of a love marriage, it will not be any easier for her. The stigma associated with divorce will not go away because of the type of marriage.

 

[Major]

You have to look at the pros and cons. What you are describing is a traditional arrange marriage, where there is little to no communication between the couple prior to ensgagement/nikkah, the age gap is usually considerable and the girl is often coerced into it due to societal pressure.

However, modern arrange marriages usually don’t work like that. The guy and the girl are given space and freedom to communicate before committing and they get to know each other better.

Yes in some cases, the guy can be two-faced and show a completely different side before marriage, but you tend to get a good idea about the customs of their family and their traditions.

Love marriages have its cons too, and if a girl seeks divorce out of a love marriage, it will not be any easier for her. The stigma associated with divorce will not go away because of the type of marriage.

i haven't seen any modern arrange marriages, and i wonder how they work.

 

[Mamoon]

i haven't seen any modern arrange marriages, and i wonder how they work.

Well this is surprising because that is how most marriages happen in Pakistan nowadays. The days of forcing girls and going against their will are long gone. I am sure the traditional method is still prevalent in villages and backward areas, but not among the educated class and beyond.

 

[Major]

Well this is surprising because that is how most marriages happen in Pakistan nowadays. The days of forcing girls and going against their will are long gone. I am sure the traditional method is still prevalent in villages and backward areas, but not among the educated class and beyond.

Really i dont know whats modern arranged marriage and what makes it different from traditional arrange marraige

 

[javier]

Lol arranged marriages are bad ok, just look at the Love Marriages in the West how successful and long lasting they are.

Massive respect to their strong family structure.

 

[Savak]

Lol arranged marriages are bad ok, just look at the Love Marriages in the West how successful and long lasting they are.

Massive respect to their strong family structure.

I trust that this is a sarcastic post

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION]

poor post bro.

Arranged Marriage is the most ridiculous concept, because you are about to spend your life with someone who you don't even know.

Even when you make friends you dont befriend everyone, because there are some people you cant stand.


There is that bullcrap that is often used in favour of arrange marriage that they result in less divorce, thats because arrange marriages take place as both the male and female dont have any other option or have to please their parents.

An arrange Marriage will always be a good thing for a male, because he can get out of the marriage anytime he wants.

For a female, its not a good thing. Females are forced to live under rules of their husbands. THey are forced to follow of them and in some relationships i have seen the females becoming the battered wife.

The confidence of a female is destroyed by arrange marriage in most cases, and they can't get out of it, because females of subcontient are brainwashed that a divorced women is a big shame in society.


This forum is male dominated, thus a result cannot come here.

This may be a wierd comment to make but i have met guys and girls who sometimes like the thrill about getting into something unknown and find the thought of getting involved with a guy or girl whom they know very little about to be very exciting.

Sometimes the guy and the girl knowing each other for long time periods can also be counter productive and can result in boredom. In some cases the longer something goes on without being sanctified by marriage, there is always a sad chance that a break up could happen over any issue because before marriage there is always scope for a guy or a girl to consider other options that come there way. There is a reason why people say that an engagement should not last for more than 6 months to a year. I have also met many people who dated someone for 4-5 plus years but things ended but the second time they got involved with someone they dated, were engaged for not more than 6 months to a year before they tied the knott.

 

[JaDed]

In my opinion, arrange marriage is the best option especially in our Pakistani society. There are two main issues that often emerge in love marriages: the attitude of the spouse and the attitude of the parents.

The dynamics of relationships change when you progress from boyfriend-girlfriend to husband-wife. In most cases, a man will not treat his wife in the same way as he would treat his girlfriend, and I don't necessarily mean it in a negative way, although it often is.

A boyfriend in most cases is likely to be more liberal and give his girlfriend more freedom than his wife, and he might give her more attention and care because he fears that she might find someone else. I have seen a few love marriages go bust because the wife cannot come to terms with the change in attitude of her former boyfriend and current husband.

For example, I know a couple who broke up because the guy did not let his wife smoke after marriage, even they though would smoke together before marriage. Some guys even put restrictions on their wives when it comes to have male friends, even though they don't have an issue before marriage. When you get married, because of the pressure of your family and society, you may not be comfortable with your wife doing the stuff that she did when she was just your girlfriend. Many girls are not ready for this change, and they expect no difference between you as a boyfriend and you as a husband.

Furthermore, parents often react differently to love marriages. If the relationship goes south, they can be quick to blame the guy or the girl for making a wrong choice and keep their own hands clean, but if things go bad in an arrange marriage, the parents are often less quick to blame you because they also share some responsibility in this relationship.

Both love and arrange marriages have their pros and cons, but in my opinion, the modern arrange marriage - as described by some posters - is the best option, and it is pretty much how most marriages happen in Pakistan nowadays (excluding remote villages/tribal people etc.).

A post very similar to going with the flow, which is so weird for a guy like you who likes to go against the flow.on PP as such but seeing you support it just coz you know everyone on PP will oppose it.

The pro points are great as usual, but the social evolution will not happen if your suggestion is what keeps happening in Pakistani society.

 

[humzy]

don't agree with it for myself due to culture, however different cultures do tend to benefit from it. So I am somewhat in agreement with it as long as it isn't forced.

 

[Rayyman]

Modern arranged marriage is fine.

Although I myself would never have an arranged marriage. I will find a girl by myself.

 

[hussain.r97]

I don't agree with an arranged marriage in the traditional sense where the guy and girl don't get to meet, talk, or do anything until they're married.

I am fine with an "arranged marriage" where the parents simply set you up with someone, who you get to spend time with, talk to, go out, etc for a month or two before deciding on what to do.

 

[giri26]

Arranged marriages are changed where people meet each other prior to marriage, talk to each other etc.but I still feel that it could be better. A more free hand for people to chose their partners and less pressure of their kids to get married when they are not ready.

 

[Mamoon]

A post very similar to going with the flow, which is so weird for a guy like you who likes to go against the flow.on PP as such but seeing you support it just coz you know everyone on PP will oppose it.

The pro points are great as usual, but the social evolution will not happen if your suggestion is what keeps happening in Pakistani society.

I am traditionalist in many ways. Don't judge me too much on views on cricket, politics and religion etc. That is just one side of me. Also, I do not agree with your definition of 'social evolution'. I do believe that there is nothing wrong with arrange marriages as long as no one is forced/coerced into it. It can work very well especially in our society.

 

[Eagle_Eye]

The modern arranged marriage is fine, it's nothing more than an introductory service, the girl and the guy will meet on their own and communicate for a period of time and then come to a decision. This is what I am use to and it works reasonably well in UK. Clearly the meeting up on their own is a big no no in pakistan but perhaps that that's the next evolution of arrange marriage required there?

 

[imrankhannsu]

Wait was that a homophobic post?

Thats my opinion.

 

[IAJ]

Arranged marriages can make a couple very mature. They often start from nothing and become experts in cooperation, not an easy task at all.
Look at all the reality shows om TV these days where unknown people try to gel together but mostly fights and backbiting are the cases.
So a couple in arranged marriage should be proud when they can get along well. There is a reason there are less divorces in these cases. Of course in some cases there is alot of discomfort for the girl and she has no other option than to stay in the marriage forcefully, but in general I think it works well.

 

[Pakistanian]

A lot of arranged marriages are a result of coercion, even in so called "modern families".

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

This topic feels stale. I'm not sure if arranged marriages look anything like they used to a couple of generations ago, even in the subcontinent. They are certainly on the way out in ex-pat communities, they just don't work abroad.

 

[Pakistanian]

Everybody keeps talking about this modern variation of the arranged marriage but it doesn't change the fact that arranged marriages are extremely superficial and there's no way you'll know someone by just meeting them a few tines and texting them.

 

[Savak]

Everybody keeps talking about this modern variation of the arranged marriage but it doesn't change the fact that arranged marriages are extremely superficial and there's no way you'll know someone by just meeting them a few tines and texting them.

How much do you need to know someone? Relationships fail when people have known each other for 5-10-15 plus years. And in 6 months after numerous interactions both parties do open up after a certain point and get a fair idea.

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

In my opinion, arrange marriage is the best option especially in our Pakistani society. There are two main issues that often emerge in love marriages: the attitude of the spouse and the attitude of the parents.

The dynamics of relationships change when you progress from boyfriend-girlfriend to husband-wife. In most cases, a man will not treat his wife in the same way as he would treat his girlfriend, and I don't necessarily mean it in a negative way, although it often is.

A boyfriend in most cases is likely to be more liberal and give his girlfriend more freedom than his wife, and he might give her more attention and care because he fears that she might find someone else. I have seen a few love marriages go bust because the wife cannot come to terms with the change in attitude of her former boyfriend and current husband.

For example, I know a couple who broke up because the guy did not let his wife smoke after marriage, even they though would smoke together before marriage. Some guys even put restrictions on their wives when it comes to have male friends, even though they don't have an issue before marriage. When you get married, because of the pressure of your family and society, you may not be comfortable with your wife doing the stuff that she did when she was just your girlfriend. Many girls are not ready for this change, and they expect no difference between you as a boyfriend and you as a husband.

Furthermore, parents often react differently to love marriages. If the relationship goes south, they can be quick to blame the guy or the girl for making a wrong choice and keep their own hands clean, but if things go bad in an arrange marriage, the parents are often less quick to blame you because they also share some responsibility in this relationship.

Both love and arrange marriages have their pros and cons, but in my opinion, the modern arrange marriage - as described by some posters - is the best option, and it is pretty much how most marriages happen in Pakistan nowadays (excluding remote villages/tribal people etc.).

Nailed it and then some.

When a man is looking for a wife, he is looking for a mother for his children.

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

Its okay for Pakistan as long as:
-It is done as early as possible
-Material and other statuses are not counted when measuring a guy
- Functions are kept simple and humble instead of Hinduish weddings
-Both partners are comfortable and happy with each other

That's how most stable Pakistani families are formed.

Either this or go all west of no weddings for most of the times with tons of illegal relations. There is no inbetween.

Now about this part I feel I can call myself an expert

These "no in-between girls":
They've changed so many boyfriends that by the time they reach 29 they are in a pitiful mental (and in most cases physical) state. If they're single mothers, they have to go back to their parents' home. A 31yo work colleague is in this situation for past 2 years She gets Tinder dates at will but no commitment.

For guys, it is easier. If you've a stable job, decent teeth/hair, good physical shape: you are the boss. World is yours

 

[Pakistanian]

How much do you need to know someone? Relationships fail when people have known each other for 5-10-15 plus years. And in 6 months after numerous interactions both parties do open up after a certain point and get a fair idea.

You will never know until you live together. Cohabitation is ��.

 

[topspin]

Arranged marriages can work if the couple get the space to get to know each other. I emphasise the word space because it is vital they get to do this outside of home for a coffee or meal etc, so they can discuss freely and do this in such a way where they can enjoy their privacy. This point relates to the discussion in a similar thread re: disclosing mental and physical ailments.

Luckily my parents have accepted my decision to pursue a love marriage.

 

[PakLFC]

There is nothing wrong with arranged marriage if all parties involved are in agreement. Anything else makes it a forced marriage. Love marriage is fine as well again if all parties are satisfied.

 

[Halaribo]

Some of you have very dated ideas of arranged marriage, and some of you are just describing forced marriages, which is not even on topic.

I met my wife for the first time ever in Starbucks and had a coffee, while her brother kept himself entertained across the cafe on his laptop.

Second time, I met her in Krispy Kreme, again, her bro somewhere else occupying himself.

Both meetings, we got to the nitty gritty, life ambitions, financial expectations, expectations of parenthood etc. Then once we ascertained we were on the same wavelength, we just clicked.

Currently in a very happy and loving marriage.

 

[humzy]

How much do you need to know someone? Relationships fail when people have known each other for 5-10-15 plus years. And in 6 months after numerous interactions both parties do open up after a certain point and get a fair idea.

80% if businesses fail in the first year. whats the point in spending time researching and learning the market right? Just invest your life into it and if it fails it fails *shrugs*

 

[Hermoine Green]

Completely agree if it is done with the consent of boy and girl.

 

[the Great Khan]

[MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION]

poor post bro.

Arranged Marriage is the most ridiculous concept, because you are about to spend your life with someone who you don't even know.

Even when you make friends you dont befriend everyone, because there are some people you cant stand.


There is that bullcrap that is often used in favour of arrange marriage that they result in less divorce, thats because arrange marriages take place as both the male and female dont have any other option or have to please their parents.

An arrange Marriage will always be a good thing for a male, because he can get out of the marriage anytime he wants.

For a female, its not a good thing. Females are forced to live under rules of their husbands. THey are forced to follow of them and in some relationships i have seen the females becoming the battered wife.

The confidence of a female is destroyed by arrange marriage in most cases, and they can't get out of it, because females of subcontient are brainwashed that a divorced women is a big shame in society.


This forum is male dominated, thus a result cannot come here.

I take it your not married then. I had an arranged marriage. Been together 15 years and counting. Saw her for the first time for about three minutes..got married three days later..end of..if you have the cahoonas and the upbringing you can do it..

 

[batnbowl]

Arranged marriages come in different flavours and its not always the stereotyped one that we see in movies or maybe our parents went through back home!

So do you agree with the concept?

Arranged marriages in the traditional sense are effectively forced marriages. And by that definition I am not sure why anyone would support it.

 

[giri26]

Arranged marriages should eventually fade away. It does not make sense in the present era.

 

[someone21]

Arranged marriages should eventually fade away. It does not make sense in the present era.

That was assumed but evidently, its wrong and arranged marriages today are still favorable. Be it rich kids, bollywood stars, cricketers, to the average common man.

 

[someone21]

Arranged marriages are fine in desi culture. The only real issue is marrying with cousins or any relatives. It's prevalence in certain Muslim societies and it seems it's a taboo subject here.

 

[Slog]

This may be a wierd comment to make but i have met guys and girls who sometimes like the thrill about getting into something unknown and find the thought of getting involved with a guy or girl whom they know very little about to be very exciting.

Or to be more precise they are thrilled at finally being with someone of the opposite gender since they couldn’t manage to do it on their own....

 

[Slog]

One of the problems with arranged marriage which I have is something I find hard to describe in words but I will give it a try:

Often I feel that in arranged marriage the couple never be themselves individually. They always have this facade of a behaviour which they adopt out of respect o their parents. Since both the husband and wife are marrying due to a decision ultimately made by their parents it is as they say a union of families and not individuals. So any major decision will have a huge impact on more than just the two individuals. So both are hesitant to upset that balance. And they may have some personality traits or interests which are antithetical to this but it never comes to the fore.

For eg I will give an example of a friend who I am not really in touch with any more after her arrange marriage. She was a very social and outgoing girl with a very bubbly personality. After undergrad her parents arrange marriaged her to a guy 6-7 years older. While I’m sure a great guy he is very serious and shareef. Mummy daddy would be the term. As in would do everything in the straight and narrow path. Went to a good uni, got a decent job, made a career and now got arranged marriage to my friend.

However these two are poles apart and not much in common. She was type who would like to vacation, try out new restaurants etc etc... But now she doesn’t do that or even when she does is when she’s visiting her mothers home and goes with old friends. Also her in laws are very traditionalist so God forbid she goes out with any guy friends or goes often.

So technically she had an arranged marriage where she had a choice but obviously due to expectations of her parents she said yes. And while I’m sure lot of women have it worse with dominating in laws, abusive husbands and whatnot, I’m sure this wasn’t the life she used to think she would have.

 

[TSA321]

For some people who aren’t confident/lack the skills to find a partner the other way, it can be a god send.

 

[Savak]

One of the problems with arranged marriage which I have is something I find hard to describe in words but I will give it a try:

Often I feel that in arranged marriage the couple never be themselves individually. They always have this facade of a behaviour which they adopt out of respect o their parents. Since both the husband and wife are marrying due to a decision ultimately made by their parents it is as they say a union of families and not individuals. So any major decision will have a huge impact on more than just the two individuals. So both are hesitant to upset that balance. And they may have some personality traits or interests which are antithetical to this but it never comes to the fore.

For eg I will give an example of a friend who I am not really in touch with any more after her arrange marriage. She was a very social and outgoing girl with a very bubbly personality. After undergrad her parents arrange marriaged her to a guy 6-7 years older. While I’m sure a great guy he is very serious and shareef. Mummy daddy would be the term. As in would do everything in the straight and narrow path. Went to a good uni, got a decent job, made a career and now got arranged marriage to my friend.

However these two are poles apart and not much in common. She was type who would like to vacation, try out new restaurants etc etc... But now she doesn’t do that or even when she does is when she’s visiting her mothers home and goes with old friends. Also her in laws are very traditionalist so God forbid she goes out with any guy friends or goes often.

So technically she had an arranged marriage where she had a choice but obviously due to expectations of her parents she said yes. And while I’m sure lot of women have it worse with dominating in laws, abusive husbands and whatnot, I’m sure this wasn’t the life she used to think she would have.

What you are describing is a common occurrence. Rather than blaming marriage alone, people need to understand whether a girl is very liberal or hijabi before marriage, it is unrealistic to expect her to have the same lifestyle that she had before marriage. Even in a love marriage, it is unrealistic for the girl to be living the girlfriend lifestyle after marriage.

Even in love marriage I have observed problems between the couple after marriage where the girl just feels constricted and the guy clamps down on her activities i.e. she can no longer meet her friends with the same liberty as she did before marriage, her male friends are a complete no-no, if used to sleep late at night and wake up late in the morning, that will have to change after marriage for sure especially if she is living with her inlaws.

But these are compromises and adjustments that any girl whether via love marriage or arranged marriage will have to make.

 

[Savak]

I might as well reveal a paradox I am facing at home.

My baby sister and mother just recently moved from Pakistan to Canada 8 months ago. After a life time of living in Pakistan, this is the first time she is living in the West. She is perhaps the most social person in the entire family and has successfully managed to make new friends in Canada. But with the passage of time her mood has deteriorated and she feels frustrated by the realities of living in the west.

In Pakistan we used to have servants i.e. Cook/House keeper, Maid, Cleaner, Driver, Gardener, Security guard and cheap handymen available at a phone call notice in case something had to be done at home or something needed fixing. Here you have to do each and everything yourself and she is now getting worn down by the life style here. It hasn't helped that our mother is suffering from Parkinson.

A few days ago my sister had a really nasty breakdown where she started screaming and shouting all over the place. To make things more intriguing is that she is engaged to a Pakistani American Doctor and will get nikaofied to him in November this year, now she has no issues with the guy who is absolutely great and has been loved by everyone in our family.

But overall she I feel is feeling homesick, missing her circle of friends back home, unhappy with the lifestyle in Canada and ofcourse professional and personal uncertainties of life in Canada/US. I personally wish she would have had atleast 2 years to adjust to life over here before marriage but I at the same time can understand my parents and do not want her to lose out to this fantastic rishta.

Life is just not perfect

 

[Hermoine Green]

I might as well reveal a paradox I am facing at home.

My baby sister and mother just recently moved from Pakistan to Canada 8 months ago. After a life time of living in Pakistan, this is the first time she is living in the West. She is perhaps the most social person in the entire family and has successfully managed to make new friends in Canada. But with the passage of time her mood has deteriorated and she feels frustrated by the realities of living in the west.

In Pakistan we used to have servants i.e. Cook/House keeper, Maid, Cleaner, Driver, Gardener, Security guard and cheap handymen available at a phone call notice in case something had to be done at home or something needed fixing. Here you have to do each and everything yourself and she is now getting worn down by the life style here. It hasn't helped that our mother is suffering from Parkinson.

A few days ago my sister had a really nasty breakdown where she started screaming and shouting all over the place. To make things more intriguing is that she is engaged to a Pakistani American Doctor and will get nikaofied to him in November this year, now she has no issues with the guy who is absolutely great and has been loved by everyone in our family.

But overall she I feel is feeling homesick, missing her circle of friends back home, unhappy with the lifestyle in Canada and ofcourse professional and personal uncertainties of life in Canada/US. I personally wish she would have had atleast 2 years to adjust to life over here before marriage but I at the same time can understand my parents and do not want her to lose out to this fantastic rishta.

Life is just not perfect

It happens, especially with girls. I sincerely hope she may adjust ASAP and live a happy life there alongwith all of you.
Good luck

 

[Hermoine Green]

I might as well reveal a paradox I am facing at home.

My baby sister and mother just recently moved from Pakistan to Canada 8 months ago. After a life time of living in Pakistan, this is the first time she is living in the West. She is perhaps the most social person in the entire family and has successfully managed to make new friends in Canada. But with the passage of time her mood has deteriorated and she feels frustrated by the realities of living in the west.

In Pakistan we used to have servants i.e. Cook/House keeper, Maid, Cleaner, Driver, Gardener, Security guard and cheap handymen available at a phone call notice in case something had to be done at home or something needed fixing. Here you have to do each and everything yourself and she is now getting worn down by the life style here. It hasn't helped that our mother is suffering from Parkinson.

A few days ago my sister had a really nasty breakdown where she started screaming and shouting all over the place. To make things more intriguing is that she is engaged to a Pakistani American Doctor and will get nikaofied to him in November this year, now she has no issues with the guy who is absolutely great and has been loved by everyone in our family.

But overall she I feel is feeling homesick, missing her circle of friends back home, unhappy with the lifestyle in Canada and ofcourse professional and personal uncertainties of life in Canada/US. I personally wish she would have had atleast 2 years to adjust to life over here before marriage but I at the same time can understand my parents and do not want her to lose out to this fantastic rishta.

Life is just not perfect

If you don't mind me asking, your mother / family is living with you in Canada/US?

 

[Savak]

If you don't mind me asking, your mother / family is living with you in Canada/US?

Yes. My mother did not want to leave Pakistan to live in the West because she knows what life is like in this part of the world but we were a split family for the last 6 years where me and my dad shifted to Canada 6 years ago, my elder brother and his wife moved to the US whereas my mother chose to remain in Pakistan with my baby sister who was completing Medicine back home. 6 years of a family being split does take a huge toll on a relationship between a couple and their kids.

She acknowledged to me that she didn't like the idea of living in the West and did not want to move to Canada but she had enough of living alone in Pakistan and wanted to be with her family in Canada, unfortunately her Parkinson's has really accelerated in Canada in the last 8 months and you will not have the kind of domestic help in the west which you can enjoy in Pakistan.

My prediction is that my folks eventually will divide 75% of their time in Pakistan and 25% in the US/Canada.

 

[DrSchultz]

If we do away with arranged marriages it can greatly help control population growth. Observing most Pakistani males, it is clear what arranged marriage means to them.

 

[MenInG]

I look at my own sons as examples - professionals and with very little time to find partners, an introduction to a future partner is ideal for them; they would rather trust their own parents then some stranger in an internet service

 

[Third Man]

Exceptions will always be there, but as a general trend, the guy or the girl can hope for better support from their parents when it comes to arrange marriages. You might coerce your parents into agreeing with your choice, but they will not easily forget that. Of course the reverse also happens - if parents insist on the marriage, the couple is often quick to deflect the problem to their parents if things get sour.

The example of your Mamu is an extreme one and the role that his father played when he was fit and healthy is quite disappointing, but most parents will not be like that. I do agree with him that the divorce should never be considered a possibility once you have kids. I know this an extreme opinion, but I have personal experience and it has a big impact on the kids. Once you become parents, your kids have an equal stake in your relationships and you have to do everything you can to protect your marriage for their sake.

I have seen people live like strangers under one roof but they are still together for the betterment of their kids. Divorce is a big deal in our society and its stain does not wash away, and the children have to carry it with themselves for no fault of theirs.

Nothing left to say really. Agree with you totally on arranged marriages and divorce.

 

[DeadBall]

Yeah parents always know better than some internet service. Fact is two of my sisters have met their soulmates through the internet. No system is better I have seen many fail from various systems. I personally think if you are an adult you should choose your own partner, it may or may not end in bliss as with arranged marriages but Desi parents think too highly of themselves and the sacrifices they made to be denied the right to choose the best possible partner for their offspring even if they're adults. It probably comes from a good place but let adults make their own decision, their is no guarantee that an arranged marriage will be successful either.

Just because someone has your best interest at heart does not necessarily make it true. I have had plenty of advises from people who just wanted the best for me but in the end they were just people and had their biases. Better to judge for yourself.

 

[Pakistanian]

I look at my own sons as examples - professionals and with very little time to find partners, an introduction to a future partner is ideal for them; they would rather trust their own parents then some stranger in an internet service

The new apps like Minder/Muzmatch are actually pretty good now compared to these corny desi shaadi websites.

 

[Suleiman]

No. Men who have no sense of how to be men and channel their masculinity in a positive way end up with women who are married off most of the times forcefully by their parents and then have no idea on how to lead the relationship, eventually leading to A LOT of compromise with unfulfilled desires, toxicity, and a waste of a marriage. Sure there's some arranged marriages that turn out fine, but most of the time, no.

If you are left to your own devices to find a partner, you will only develop as a person and learn to take care and be responsible of your own well being before you are ready to share your life with someone else.

 

[Nikhil_cric]

Yeah parents always know better than some internet service. Fact is two of my sisters have met their soulmates through the internet. No system is better I have seen many fail from various systems. I personally think if you are an adult you should choose your own partner, it may or may not end in bliss as with arranged marriages but Desi parents think too highly of themselves and the sacrifices they made to be denied the right to choose the best possible partner for their offspring even if they're adults. It probably comes from a good place but let adults make their own decision, their is no guarantee that an arranged marriage will be successful either.

Just because someone has your best interest at heart does not necessarily make it true. I have had plenty of advises from people who just wanted the best for me but in the end they were just people and had their biases. Better to judge for yourself.

Nailed it. Desi parents simply assume they know anything and everything and, having our best interest at heart , advise(in other words coerce) us to take certain career options, marriage etc. But I think youngsters are to blame too in India atleast. Very few have the courage to take independent decisions and stick with it. And would rather run back to mummy and daddy for help. Love marriages ain't for such people in our part of the world. It is only those strong enough to face all the consequences .

 

[Bilal_103]

Hey guys I just need some input about this so just need someone else's perspective who may have experience. I want to know what you guys think about arranged marriage? My parents have been nagging me to get married but I am torn between arranged marriage or regular wedding. Some of my friends who had love marriages have not worked out because once they settle down things change. I want a traditional wife who emphasizes family values and I feel like the girls in pakistan are more family oriented than the ones here so I am intrigued by arranged marriage.
The whole marriage thing is kinda weird for me. what if it doesn't work out? just been having alot of doubt about it all.

 

[pakistanisgreat]

Hey guys I just need some input about this so just need someone else's perspective who may have experience. I want to know what you guys think about arranged marriage? My parents have been nagging me to get married but I am torn between arranged marriage or regular wedding. Some of my friends who had love marriages have not worked out because once they settle down things change. I want a traditional wife who emphasizes family values and I feel like the girls in pakistan are more family oriented than the ones here so I am intrigued by arranged marriage.
The whole marriage thing is kinda weird for me. what if it doesn't work out? just been having alot of doubt about it all.

i preferred arrange married and it is working very well for me.
My suggestion would be let your parents decide. I am sure they will not decide anything bad for you.

 

[sweep_shot]

I see no issue with arranged marriage. I would love to have one myself.

 

[sweep_shot]

Hey guys I just need some input about this so just need someone else's perspective who may have experience. I want to know what you guys think about arranged marriage? My parents have been nagging me to get married but I am torn between arranged marriage or regular wedding. Some of my friends who had love marriages have not worked out because once they settle down things change. I want a traditional wife who emphasizes family values and I feel like the girls in pakistan are more family oriented than the ones here so I am intrigued by arranged marriage.
The whole marriage thing is kinda weird for me. what if it doesn't work out? just been having alot of doubt about it all.

Don't go for love marriage. Go for good old arranged marriage.

But, you should do your own research about the lady first. Check her social media posts, talk with her family, talk with her friends etc. See if you like the vibe.