Family problem - need advice

[Dulex9]

So my father who was a factory worker quit his job and he is earning some money.

He has two major bank savings accounts which he has shown me and his house mortgage has been paid off.

He will get pension money in the next 3 years and

I am helping out now and will in the future.

Before the lockdown he was on my case and was cruel, having a go at me every weekend.

My father is really being very negative.

Also he says we are finished quite a lot, he says he will have to go without food and other negative comments and many other negative comments.

He says watch when winter comes here in the UK. I have a good track record being in a job, so what happens now, I suddenly will never work ever in my life? Does he seriously think that?

He keeps saying we are finished and where get money from when we both are earning money.

I reassure him a lot.

I do not struggle for money and won't.

I wish to quit this job and do some work from home stuff however he is just not letting me quit and wakes up in the morning saying 'when go to work'. But to earn more I obviously can't do both at the same time. I need to quit that job. He keeps emphasising when I go to work.

Why doesn't he allow me to quit my job? I've told him 1000 times, but he doesn't listen and isn't willing to support me.

He is fine now and will be in the future. I understand he has a bit of depression, however he is worried about money when clearly he has no need to worry at that at all.

Then he says future how give money to bills when I pay for most things now. This is ridiculous.

This guy just complains morning, afternoon, evening n the last 8 weeks and he just is complaining and complaining about money when I give him money every week and he is not willing to allow me to quit this job and even earn more money so I can help him out. Even my sister gives some money.

I am giving him money every week for bills.

He is losing it for himself, all he does is complain about money when he has it, has a lot and I am giving him money every week and I am earning and can earn a lot.

He will never listen.

For some days I week I have broke down in my room. Its because I know I have, want to quit my job and he throws the toys about emotionally and say where get money from and we need money if I ever say I quit my job. Then he keeps saying we need money or we out of house in the next year, but the mortgage is already paid off and we have got money.

Once again I keep telling him I'm not struggling for money and will give 70 per cent to my sister's wedding.

Also this is unrelated, as you know the uncles etc are cruel, but he just doesn't say I am working to them and even when they ask he doesn't say anything, so they take the mick and say comments. I am seeing someone and he too doesn't say anything so they take the mick even more. They play him about too knowing his negative attitude.

I cannot move out because he does not want me to move out, he doesn't want me to quit my job, where I can earn even more.

I do not know what to do.

 

[Madplayer]

What's stopping you from doing what you want? Move out and do your thing. But stay in touch with your dad and other family. Dont abandon them just because they are irate.

 

[CricketCartoons]

What's stopping you from doing what you want? Move out and do your thing. But stay in touch with your dad and other family. Dont abandon them just because they are irate.

Weren't you going to read Kafka's The Metamorphosis? It has a line where the father says: if he only understood us. relevant to the OP's tribulation.

 

[Madplayer]

Weren't you going to read Kafka's The Metamorphosis? It has a line where the father says: if he only understood us. relevant to the OP's tribulation.

Yeah, i got busy and stopped at 10-12 pages. I need ro finish it soon. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[sweep_shot]

If you are struggling to live at home, move out. Get your own place.

Do not compromise your own mental and physical health.

 

[MenInG]

Have you asked for intervention from say close relatives?

 

[KingKhanWC]

A lot of people are worried about jobs, income since March. The lockdown has made a lot people scared, causing them depression and mental issues. Not suggesting this is the case here but keep it in mind.

Its not easy but if you're an adult male, you have to take charge when your parents become elderly. Just tell the parents directly, it's time for them to relax and you will make the decisions best for the whole family. Perhaps also send him to Pakistan(if you live abroad).

We are lucky to have a religion and culture which respects parents. You'd rather have it this way over western culture where parents are not respected as much as we do.

 

[ElRaja]

if your work from home thing is guaranteed money, great, if not i wouldn't recommend leaving a job right now, if ur in the uk, the job market is crazy competitive, i have highly qualified friends who spent nearly 4 or 5 months unemployed after covid.

also echoing what ppl above have said, desi parents are extremely skeptical about their kids abilities to make decisions, until they do. then they kinda chill a bit. so understand where hes coming from, but if u know u can make more money, in a reliable pattern, doing what u want to do, then go ahead.

 

[Dulex9]

Thank you all for the responses.

However he still is controlling me and its having an affect on my mental health. He is ruining it for both of us.

I do not understand, he has quit his job but he is saving all the money he is getting now, he has two major bank account savings and he will be getting pension money in 3 years and his mortgage is paid off AND I'm paying for everything now and in the future.

And all he complains about morning, afternoon and evening is money, we are finished, watched when winter comes, money will run out.

And he doesn't wish to listen to anything.

And also he puts too much emphasis on family relations, that's HIM, not me, I have cut them out, is he really regard that much when they too hardly care.

THAT he actually makes decisions on what they think and he thinks they will help him, well none of the uncle, aunts helped when my mother died, they never visit us and I told them how they treated me.

Seriously I am an independent person. Why does he think they will help when I'm older when that is up to me?

 

[Gilly]

We are lucky to have a religion and culture which respects parents. You'd rather have it this way over western culture where parents are not respected as much as we do.

brainwashed or what.

 

[Tubs]

brainwashed or what.

No Gilly, you don't understand. Being completely subservient to your parents, with no chance of individuality , and being shunned should you choose to move out is respecting your parents!

 

[KingKhanWC]

brainwashed or what.

Its so true. Why do you think have so many elderly western people in care homes compared to Muslim parents? Growing up , I used to hear and see open abuse, swearing to parents by my non-Muslim white firends, we wouldnt dare.

God tells us in the Quran we shouldnt even sigh at our parents and its for us to care for them as they cared for us.

Some people could learn a lot from Muslims.

 

[Yossarian]

Just because the house mortgage is paid off doesn't mean everything else is free.

Other than food and clothing costs, there's gas, electricity, water, phones bills, house insurance, car insurance and running costs etc. If he's unable to continue making the little money you say he's still making, which at these difficult times could end at any time, as it's starting to happen to millions of others, due to his bank savings, he's unlikely to get much, if any, Universal Credit / Job Seekers Allowance. His pension will not kick in for another 3 years.

Those bank savings you say he has will disappear fast, very fast, to pay for the ongoing costs mentioned above.

If that happens, with no money coming in and the bank savings having run out, next stage will be having to sell the house to a smaller place.

As for others in this thread suggesting you move out, sure, go ahead. And then let reality hit you as regards paying rent, bills, etc. Especially if you've just quit your current job and are not 100% guaranteed income from your new venture.

The reason your father has a house with the mortgage paid off, along with some savings in the bank, and a roof over your head, is because he's worked hard and saved to achieve all that. And you can't see what he can see, ie these are very uncertain times. Just look around you and see how many people are losing their jobs and struggling due to the pandemic.

Unless, after quitting your job, you are going to be 100% guaranteed to be making money via some other means, you could end up with no income, and neither will your father if he too loses whatever income he's making.

I think you need to be grateful to your father for looking out for you at these extraordinary times

 

[MMHS]

I believe, you are not a father yet. I am .... there are many bad people in world, trust me very few bad dad.

What he is doing is from his insecurities- he recalls his younger days and how he (& your mom) struggled to raise you - he saved every penny and that house for you, he is not going to take that to grave. My dad was a 1968 batch officer - with a little luck could have ended as Cabinet Secretary..... and when I was working for an MNC .... that guys’ll ask mom every morning “..... is getting late, won’t he go to office, chakri thakbe (will his job remain)?” Even on my fourth morning after marriage ... mom had to temind him that your son is married now. I had lots, lots of fight with him ... then the day I moved to Canada, he told me not to live in poverty - make sure my grand kids are having good food, school, cloths, toys and buy a car from day 1 - I’ll send you money once your bank account is open. And, that guy almost kicked me out of Bangladesh for a Canadian passport for his grandkids - “I made this mistake for being selfish of my job and status, should have stayed in UK - I’ll not let you do same mistake”...... That’s father.

Coming to your problem - start to learn how to ignore & avoid. Let him steam out his frustration (your mom balances that on him, no worries), his insecurities. Unless he has another hidden family and illegal/legal kids, his money is yours - not yours, your kids’. You just play your own flute your own way and allow him a space - once you start that, he’ll loose interest. If required, tell harmless lies - you want a home base job.... what is stopping you to resign and tell him that I have lost my job - millions have lost it post Covit, no stories.

Second thing - don’t pay all his bills; give him cash. Guy is a saver - he loves to hold on to cash - if required do it via your mom, he’ll be happy.

Third - don’t leave house when chips are down... he’ll become more insecure and tore apart two ladies in house. If you want to leave house, set it up first slowly, then situation improves - can leave. Apart from covit, his another concern now is expense - running two families is always costly that one.

Fourth - talk positives with him, weather you quit or keep this job. He lacks confidence because of his upbringing- trying to fix it with force will make him more scared. It has to come from his inside that his son is capable & care for the two dependents - your mom & sis. For example - every morning, he pushes you for going to job, because he has a fear that you might quit or be sacked. Do other way - wake up early and before he chases you, say good morning & good bye for office - he’ll loose interest chasing you after few days.

Fifth - bring laughter in the family.... have dinner together. He wants to see you happy - must have noticed something that’s alarming him.

I see the pattern - when I was 25-26, I used to earn $2300 per month, in Bangladesh ... dad’s hotel, mom’s kitchen .... even didn’t pay my car gas bill - never spent counting money while shipping because I had plenty. I don’t drink but spent thousands on cards, randomly travelling abroad, buying useless staffs..... and invariably he’ll complain to mom. She used to balance it - scold me in front of dad.... but in her bedroom she’ll tell that why are u bothering- he is earning lot more than what he is spending and he is not spoiling his character... once married, he’ll change. Your Sis has to play a similar role in family.

May be I have gone too far in your personal life, but bro you have to grow up and be man - take your own call, but with a open judgement. Don’t try to judge your dad with your eyes - put yourself in his shoes.

 

[MMHS]

brainwashed or what.

No, you have no idea what you are talking, because respect is different in your eyes, no complaints though.

There is a story from British India - a Deshi guy became magistrate in our Bikrampur and invited his DC (District Collector) to his village. That English guy went there under umbrella as it was raining a bit .... so, he called and old guy in bare foot to hold his umbrella. That magistrate came running - what r u doing sir, he is my dad. The English guy found it a little funny : Babu u r are among very few Bengali magistrates and I am your boss .... whom will you pick. The guy responded that you are my boss, my respected senior who can sack me .... but he is my dad, my God.

Please let’s not argue here further coming from a society where a good percentage don’t know who is his biological father and another good percentage are always scared ... who might ask for a DNA test.

 

[Dulex9]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate this.

I've actually quit my job, I already said I'm not worried. I already knew that.

With the income he is getting, he is also getting extra. Also he has two major bank account savings. As we also worked out the ingoing's, outgoings. And I'm topping up too.

At the moment, he is saving the money coming in and not even touching his two major savings accounts. I am paying for the bills, food, everything now. My sister also chips in here and there. I use the car so I only pay the petrol. And I'm looking after him and will in the future.

Also he has said that its not going to last, which is quite negative to say tbh.

However he is not willing to listen and is losing the plot. I don't even have issues with earning money and his negativity is not right. I find it hard to sleep for weeks now.

 

[Dulex9]

I'm going to move out soon.

I've had enough, I respect and love him and always will. However its really for my mental state where he doesn't wish to listen, other things and the other family members also take huge advantage of that. He even was aggressive towards me for a couple of days for no reason.

There was a balloon I wanted to bring from the house from outside but he shouted and did not let me. Its not really his decision.

Last week we had a discussion about people in our community and I said be careful because some people are sly and manipulative and give no hoots, two families seriously tried to do him in years ago and same to me too, he said 'let them do it'.

I said nobody cares in the community and he just said 'everyone cares'. I can't believe he said everyone cares about him. Almost 95 per cent don't, I know this and he should know too, nobody since 2006 has come to our house from the community and ask him to come to their stuff and that. Its ridiculous saying people in the Indian community care. They don't. The only people they care about is their own families, not some acquaintance.

As I said, I told him I'm not worried and he just doesn't wish to listen and he says 'go on benefits' etc. He will just never listen, even if I say a million times, if I can bring in money one week, he will just go off again.