Is it advisable to agree to marry whom your parents, elders approve of but you're not interested in?

[Savak]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

 

[Slog]

You’re 35 and based on previous threads you don’t really have options anyway.

And you clearly want to get married. But you don’t want to burden another girls life because you’ll always think foolishly you’ll find love with some amazing woman

 

[Savak]

You’re 35 and based on previous threads you don’t really have options anyway.

And you clearly want to get married. But you don’t want to burden another girls life because you’ll always think foolishly you’ll find love with some amazing woman

Options are there for sure. But i now have to think about my mom and whether the girl and her family will be accepting of it.

 

[Pakistanian]

Dude you've been posting these threads for so many years now. Just go with what your parents want not.
Not many options at 35, you start aging around the age.

 

[Bhaag Viru Bhaag]

Do you need a life partner or a caretaker for your mom? If its the former then wait for the right person or you can also choose to stay unmarried. Getting married is not compulsory and you will live your life in peace.

 

[Savak]

You’re 35 and based on previous threads you don’t really have options anyway.

And you clearly want to get married. But you don’t want to burden another girls life because you’ll always think foolishly you’ll find love with some amazing woman

Do you need a life partner or a caretaker for your mom? If its the former then wait for the right person or you can also choose to stay unmarried. Getting married is not compulsory and you will live your life in peace.

I will be responsible for my mom's care, it will not be my wife's responsibility full time but realistically speaking there might be a time here and there where she may need to help out.

 

[Kianig89]

just marry her with eyes closed there is no risk with it.

 

[Slog]

Options are there for sure. But i now have to think about my mom and whether the girl and her family will be accepting of it.

You’ve been posting about this for 5+ years and you say options are there? What’s the deal? You’re too good for all of them at age of 35?

 

[King-Misbah]

Considering your OP, if you find her attractive then you should go for it.

 

[UP]

Have you got to know her personally in last 6 years? Texts, calls, chatting, face to face meetings, etc?

 

[UP]

A cousin of mine got married to a cousin of his 7 months ago in January/2019. Apparently, the rishta was set up by his diseased father. You know bachpan ka rishta - something like that. The lad and family went ahead because of their dad’s words, despite, the whole world knowing the couple won’t be able to live together. The families turned blind eyes towards the bitter truth and ended up tying the knot. They spent huge amount of money on the wedding (2-3 crores at least). The girl ended up leaving the guy within a month. Divorce is being finalized these days. You know the usual **: log kya kahen gey, hamari izzat and emotional blackmailing by parents is to be blamed for this mess.

The answer to your question is a big no. Only marry someone who you think you can get along in life. Never marry under someone’s pressure, the third party will move on but you will be the only one who will suffer day in and day out. Marriage is a huge decision, one should think hundred times.

 

[UP]

^^^ To add more: the couple got engaged in September 2015 and got married in January 2019 - in those 3.5 years they never texted, made calls or met in person during the mangani period. If that was not a big red flag, I don’t know what other signs were they waiting for. The writing was on the wall but they ignored and are paying the hefty price now.

 

[amvbfm]

You’ve been posting about this for 5+ years and you say options are there? What’s the deal? You’re too good for all of them at age of 35?

That's harsh. And age isn't exactly as big of a problem as we make it sound.

 

[Couch Cricketer]

As a divorced guy I can say that parents or elders choosing a girl for you is okay but you need to guage if you have the same values and can spend the rest of your life with each other. Me and my ex though did our best but never became close emotionally and our world views were so different that in the end we could not stay together. It's a good thing we didn't have children as otherwise we would have tried to stay together despite everything. I still feel guilty though as me being a guy can get remarried a lot easier than her.

 

[Halaribo]

Of course it's advisable.

The main point here is that her parents sound like keepers, so no matter how confused your motives for marriage are, if you don't care one iota for her her, your parents in law will be on hand to prop up your marriage.

Win win.

 

[Obaidd]

One can never be too sure.

Usually if there are no red flags it’s ok to go ahead with arranged scenes. One should not try to look for flaws.

 

[Madplayer]

As a divorced guy I can say that parents or elders choosing a girl for you is okay but you need to guage if you have the same values and can spend the rest of your life with each other. Me and my ex though did our best but never became close emotionally and our world views were so different that in the end we could not stay together. It's a good thing we didn't have children as otherwise we would have tried to stay together despite everything. I still feel guilty though as me being a guy can get remarried a lot easier than her.

First of all i am sorry to hear about your divorce. You talked about having different world views. Would you mind sharing the specifics of how the two of your looked at things differently? I mean if its not something very personal.

 

[amvbfm]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

There are many ways to look at this and tbh there is no right or wrong answer. Also it is highly unlikely that you can get a proper answer from an online forum where anyone barely knows you, and will most likely be basing their answers on their own experiences or their perception of your online persona.

You and those close to you are in the best position to make a decision. I think you should be realistic about it and make an assessment based on 1)what you want from life 2)your prospects 3)your circumstances (in that order).

What you want is most important because its mostly you who will have to face the consequences of your decisions, whether good or bad. So first you have to decide if you want to get married or not and it shouldn't be because your parents want you to or because you want it for them or because umar nikli ja rahi hai. Not that such marriages can't work, nobody can say they won't but it is always better if you are mentally prepared.

Once you have made the first decision you should assess your own prospects. I don't know anything about you so i cannot comment about it but you have to keep in mind that a lot of times we either underestimate or overestimate our prospects. Finding the right person isn't easy, its neither science, nor art regardless of what people say. Its mostly just luck. The only thing you can do is reduce the randomness of the process and that can only be done by meeting as many people as you can. If you have an active social life where you get to meet many girls and are hopeful that you have a chance in that process, or if you are going the arranged marriage route and meeting different girls, then your prospects are good. If however, you are just assuming that your prospects are good without any of that, or based on your parents or relatives saying "meray betay kay to itnay rishtay hain" then tbh they really aren't. Age does play a role in terms of decreasing your prospects, but it can be negated or minimized by other things like your background, potential etc and girls and their parents do consider those things. In the end, you have to make a realistic assessment of your own prospects because regardless of how well off, handsome or intelligent you are, you have to make an effort on your own to find the right person as the probability of them just walking into your life is minimal.

Finally, you should consider your circumstances in light of the preceding two things. If you are ready and think your prospects aren't too good then given your circumstances it might be wise to go for someone you know and someone who is willing to compromise. In such a case you should consider the current proposal (and not dismiss it on your perception of the girl) and perhaps meet the girl and talk to her about everything. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised. If however, you think your prospects are pretty good then i don't see any reason to get married just because your circumstances demand you to do so. Circumstances keep changing and they shouldn't be the sole reason to make a life altering decision like marriage.

You have to be realistic about all this and not live in the hope of someone amazing walking into your life unless you are making efforts for that to happen. You are also being unrealistic in thinking about meeting someone after marriage as the chances of that happening are even less than you meeting Ms. Perfect right now. Those are my thoughts on the subject for what they are worth.

 

[Madplayer]

On topic,

Savak my friend, you seem to be a decent guy who doesnt want to cause problems for the girl he would marry. However, you are guilty of over-analyzing things. There is compromise in marriage make no mistake about it. You wont get a smooth relationship for the entirety of your life. Thats why in Islamic traditions, mercy among the couples for each other is considered a more important trait than love itself. Mercy because you know there will be times when you will have to swallow your pride and forgive the other person for not being at their best. If you are a good person (which you are) i am sure you will not make things hard for your wife. However, this overanalyzing will do something to you psychologically. After marriage you will begin to look for faults in your wife to justify your pre-marriage fears and every time she is in a bad mood, you will say to yourself, "well my fears were correct. She isnt good, she is boring, she doesnt socialise well, she doesnt have a sense of humour."

My advice to you in a nut shell will be dont overanalyze things, dont be dry, dont be a pedant. If the girl belongs to a good family, is mentally and physically sound, has a good character as per your definitions, just go for marriage. These are the only ingredients you need as a base for a successful relationship. The things like creating love etc. can be worked on slowly as you spend time with each other as long as you keep in mind the criteria of mercy which i talked about earlier.

 

[sweep_shot]

If you are not interested in the lady, don't marry! It can make things worse.

Only marry if you like the lady. Otherwise, don't do it. Just an advice.

 

[Mamoon]

Advisable. Arranged marriages often work better than love marriages because there are no expectations in the beginning. Unless there is a big age difference and the backgrounds are completely different, it has a high chance of success.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Advisable. Arranged marriages often work better than love marriages because there are no expectations in the beginning. Unless there is a big age difference and the backgrounds are completely different, it has a high chance of success.

I think you are right [MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION]

I make my own decision of engagement when I was 21 years of age, I taken that decision in jaldbazi and I feel as the most idiot person of the world because from that day of engagement I just don't feel good, I don't like her, I just want to break that engagement
Now I am 23 years of age but I feel very inferior to other because I failed in most important decision of life.

Arrange marriage could have been best for me.

 

[Afhan Ali]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]
I think your mother decision may be best for you

 

[Billa86]

Do istikhara Brother.....

 

[Gabbar Singh]

You may think that accepting the wishes of your family will make your mother’s life easier and in the short term it might however if things go sour and it ends up in an unhappy marriage/divorce then your mothers mental wellbeing will be even worse.

Tread carefully.

 

[Savak]

You’ve been posting about this for 5+ years and you say options are there? What’s the deal? You’re too good for all of them at age of 35?

I was stuck and infatuated with one girl for the last 5 years and I tried multiple methods to pursue her but nothing worked and in the last 6 months I finally accepted my failure that I could not get her and also keeping in mind my mom's condition made me also rethink and realize that perhaps a girl who looked less intimidating, less difficult to pursue would be a better type.

So far my folks have spoken to me about 3 options. The first girl is my sisters age 26 years old and her childhood best friend from high school whom I know is the most level headed of her friends, when asked if you are willing to consider her I responded sure I definitely feel most comfortable with her given that she has been my sisters friend for so long. However the only stumbling block is that because the girl is a doctor, her parents had asked my folks for help in finding a Pakistani American Doctor groom for her and I am not a doctor. Plus the girl herself doesn't personally want to get married but her parents are looking.

The second girl is the grand daughter of my mom's colleague. She is 24 years old, reasonably decently looking and albeit on the chubby side. My mom showed me her photo and asked me if you were willing to give it a shot. I responded in the affirmative but have not heard back since.

The third girl is the girl in the family in the OP I spoke about. I have been saying no to her for the last 6 years. I don't find her as attractive as the rest of my family so but my biggest issue is her lack of personality ie she is just too damn quite, aloof for my liking and heck you can't even find a pic of her smiling and laughing. But her family has been very persistent all these years and her family is the biggest plus point for me. It is honestly frustrating that when you finally find a family with virtually zero red flags, you find that you are not into the girl at all.

 

[Savak]

Have you got to know her personally in last 6 years? Texts, calls, chatting, face to face meetings, etc?

Very hard too when the girl sits aloof, aside on every family function or get together and doesn't even talk to anyone at all, no relatives or anyone. Heck even my sisters friend is introverted but I know she speaks well and has a terrific smile and some semblance of a personality and identity, to be honest if all other decent prospects failed, I always wished to keep her as a back up option.

My aunt apparently managed to speak to the girl in the OP during my sisters wedding in the last 2 days and out of the blue based on a 10-15 minute conversation her assessment is that yes while she is extremely shy, reserved but when you speak to her you will find she is a decent person. And then she broke down citing my mom's condition and then began reminding me that my prospects are now even more seriously screwed because her condition is going to be a big problem in getting good rishtas from people outside the family. I suspect my parents are the one who requested my aunt to speak to me in private about the girl. This is what peeves me about the world, we agreed to a rishta for my sister without any questions asked to a Pakistani American doctor who is close to my age ie 34 years old where the guys mom is suffering from terminal cancer for the last ten years and he had suffered a broken engagement once because of this and he now ends up with my baby sister who is a wonderful catch for him on all fronts but I am the one who keeps getting reminded of my age and my mom's condition

 

[Majestic_Inzi]

Very hard too when the girl sits aloof, aside on every family function or get together and doesn't even talk to anyone at all, no relatives or anyone. Heck even my sisters friend is introverted but I know she speaks well and has a terrific smile and some semblance of a personality and identity, to be honest if all other decent prospects failed, I always wished to keep her as a back up option.

My aunt apparently managed to speak to the girl in the OP during my sisters wedding in the last 2 days and out of the blue based on a 10-15 minute conversation her assessment is that yes while she is extremely shy, reserved but when you speak to her you will find she is a decent person. And then she broke down citing my mom's condition and then began reminding me that my prospects are now even more seriously screwed because her condition is going to be a big problem in getting good rishtas from people outside the family. I suspect my parents are the one who requested my aunt to speak to me in private about the girl. This is what peeves me about the world, we agreed to a rishta for my sister without any questions asked to a Pakistani American doctor who is close to my age ie 34 years old where the guys mom is suffering from terminal cancer for the last ten years and he had suffered a broken engagement once because of this and he now ends up with my baby sister who is a wonderful catch for him on all fronts but I am the one who keeps getting reminded of my age and my mom's condition

im assuming your sister will be 3-4 years younger than her husband.

Arranged marriage is best as there is better chance of going all the way. Love marriages are tricky..

 

[Savak]

im assuming your sister will be 3-4 years younger than her husband.

Arranged marriage is best as there is better chance of going all the way. Love marriages are tricky..

9 years age gap and they are very happy with each other and speak to each other like best friends. Lol at age gaps. This garbage is all propagated by the grand parents, parents, immediate, extended relatives and close friends of aged out girls

 

[Green Patriot]

Dont be pressurized by your mom's situation if you are having doubts.Its a matter of your life and i understand that it must not be easy for you to take care of your mother alone and you might need a companion who can be with you in these tough times but you will be miserable and hate your life eventually if you are stuck to a partner who you dont enjoy the company of.
But perhaps you can go out with her for a day and gauge for yourself.Since you are having the rishta talks it wouldn't be too inappropriate to ask either(or will it?I dont know what sort of a background do you have and if that is fine?)Because if you spend some time with her you will get a general idea if she is indeed boring or just an extreme introvert who does have indepth dimensions to her personality.If you find her boring and insipid please dont get married.Marriage is not just a ritual.Its supposed to be a union of love and respect and you should enjoy the company of your spouse,not run away from it which might be the case if you have such doubts.

Also i dont know how religious you are or whatever but i personally find Istikhara as a very calming process and helps alot when making a decision is hard so you can always try that.Trust me,it helps.

 

[Cricket lover 27]

Very hard too when the girl sits aloof, aside on every family function or get together and doesn't even talk to anyone at all, no relatives or anyone. Heck even my sisters friend is introverted but I know she speaks well and has a terrific smile and some semblance of a personality and identity, to be honest if all other decent prospects failed, I always wished to keep her as a back up option.

My aunt apparently managed to speak to the girl in the OP during my sisters wedding in the last 2 days and out of the blue based on a 10-15 minute conversation her assessment is that yes while she is extremely shy, reserved but when you speak to her you will find she is a decent person. And then she broke down citing my mom's condition and then began reminding me that my prospects are now even more seriously screwed because her condition is going to be a big problem in getting good rishtas from people outside the family. I suspect my parents are the one who requested my aunt to speak to me in private about the girl. This is what peeves me about the world, we agreed to a rishta for my sister without any questions asked to a Pakistani American doctor who is close to my age ie 34 years old where the guys mom is suffering from terminal cancer for the last ten years and he had suffered a broken engagement once because of this and he now ends up with my baby sister who is a wonderful catch for him on all fronts but I am the one who keeps getting reminded of my age and my mom's condition

With your pathetic mentality of referring to girls as a wonderful catch I pity the one who you will eventually marry. No wonder you are unmarried till now and making these kind of threads year after year.

 

[Cricket lover 27]

And referring to girls as aged out girls. Pray, what is an aged out girl? I am sure these aged out girls have got more intelligence and self respect than to choose you that’s why you are still single.

 

[Gabbar Singh]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] how would you feel if your sister’s new husband only married her because of family pressure and deep down he was rather apathetic towards her?

 

[Savak]

And referring to girls as aged out girls. Pray, what is an aged out girl? I am sure these aged out girls have got more intelligence and self respect than to choose you that’s why you are still single.

Girls in their late 20's and early 30's. Had just attended a wedding of a girl in our extended family who is 34, she had rejected two Pakistani guys in the past as she felt they were not good enough for her and now she has ended up marrying a black dude.

You could tell from the body language of all the guests and her relatives at the wedding that they were not happy at all but she didn't leave herself open to many other options

 

[Slog]

Girls in their late 20's and early 30's. Had just attended a wedding of a girl in our extended family who is 34, she had rejected two Pakistani guys in the past as she felt they were not good enough for her and now she has ended up marrying a black dude.

You could tell from the body language of all the guests and her relatives at the wedding that they were not happy at all but she didn't leave herself open to many other options

Why are you acting as if marrying a black guy is some huge stain or embarrassment. Maybe she was happier with him than she would be with creepy 35 year old desi uncles?

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] how would you feel if your sister’s new husband only married her because of family pressure and deep down he was rather apathetic towards her?

I am not apathetic to the person but don't feel for her that way. But yes not good at all. Which is why I am surprised as to why this girls parents have been relentlessly trying hard for 6 long years to lobby with my folks for me knowing full well I was interested in someone else. I mean they didn't even bother to explore other options all this time

My phuppa has done the same thing, relentlessly tried very hard to force my phuppo to make a case for his 35 year old niece who has gone through 3 broken engagements to my folks knowing full well that I was interested in someone else.

In these last 4 years I was prepared to settle down and practically begged my folks to make a case to the parents, elders, bhabi for my bhabis cousin only to get told you have to have the girl on your side for arranged marriages now.

Moral of the story is to start dating and learning the game at as early an age as possible otherwise your parents and elders know going forward they can manipulate and call the shots on your life

 

[Savak]

Why are you acting as if marrying a black guy is some huge stain or embarrassment. Maybe she was happier with him than she would be with creepy 35 year old desi uncles?

Lol. Let's get real, everyone in the family circles especially her own aunts and uncles were commenting she didn't have many options.

 

[KingKhanWC]

I think you may have finally found her. You say she is from a very good family and is a quiet person, which means she probably has a lot of self respect. If it's your mothers wish just marry the girl!

There is no such thing as one true love, humans can fall in and out of love at anytime. Marriage is like a business contract, if you both have the same goals there is nothing more you need to look for.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

I feel bad for the girl whose husband thinks that he "settled" . She will never be good enough for him . I hope you never go through with this.

 

[shockbound]

35 is bad to be single regardless of your financial situation. Go for her asap! Your interest can change with time, family wont.

 

[Savak]

I think you may have finally found her. You say she is from a very good family and is a quiet person, which means she probably has a lot of self respect. If it's your mothers wish just marry the girl!

There is no such thing as one true love, humans can fall in and out of love at anytime. Marriage is like a business contract, if you both have the same goals there is nothing more you need to look for.

Hence why I have created this thread. So that I can call on the experiences of others and try to guage whether I should make a decision completly contrary to what I felt would happen.

All my life I thought I would be interested in my spouse appearance or personality wise but now due to circumstances beyond my control I am now going to most probably make this decision knowing full well I am not into the girl at all

 

[Gabbar Singh]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION],

Can't you attempt to get to know her better first? Even if it's only exchanging a few emails/phone calls. Then make a decision? You may well save yourself and your family a lot of heartache in the long run.

 

[PakLFC]

No it is not recommended. It is the would be groom who has to live his life with her not his parents. By all means agree to a meeting yet the man should make it clear that he has the right to reject the proposal if one has been made. the lady reserves the same right as well. Age is just a number by the way, we are as young as we feel and act so don't let that pressurise you. Far better to remain happily single then unhappily married, just look at the divorce rate in many communities. Those who keep on harping about age sound ageist, they must be using a walking stick at the age of 20. Get married if and when it suits you otherwise don't.

 

[Syed1]

Shaadi karlay yaar bus

 

[Pakpak]

Some ridiculous posts here. I have seen love marriages collapse and I have seen arranged marriages collapse. Its nothing to do with love and arranged. What matters is if you have the same goals like [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] said. Marriage is all about compromises, sacrifices and understanding. If a person isn't capable of that it doesn't matter if they had a love marriage or an arranged marriage. Marrying for the sake of marrying or marrying because you've been told to, well good luck.

 

[Halaribo]

Some ridiculous posts here. I have seen love marriages collapse and I have seen arranged marriages collapse. Its nothing to do with love and arranged. What matters is if you have the same goals like [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] said. Marriage is all about compromises, sacrifices and understanding. If a person isn't capable of that it doesn't matter if they had a love marriage or an arranged marriage. Marrying for the sake of marrying or marrying because you've been told to, well good luck.

I think the ridiculous posts are in response to the ridiculous notion of the thread.

 

[Pakpak]

I think the ridiculous posts are in response to the ridiculous notion of the thread.

My post was aimed at people saying 'love marriages are tricky'. No they're not. At the end of the day you have to do the same work and effort into a love marriage vs an arranged marriage. Why thumb your noses at people who had a love marriage? Savak is clearly unable to find a girl on his own so arranged would work for him, which is good for him.

 

[amvbfm]

Hence why I have created this thread. So that I can call on the experiences of others and try to guage whether I should make a decision completly contrary to what I felt would happen.

All my life I thought I would be interested in my spouse appearance or personality wise but now due to circumstances beyond my control I am now going to most probably make this decision knowing full well I am not into the girl at all

Sorry but you sometimes make it sound like it is all about you and the decision is entirely yours. What makes you think the girl will agree? Her parents wanting her to marry you doesn't mean she wants it as well. If indeed things are serious then you should try to get to know her better and find out what she thinks about everything including your circumstances.

 

[Savak]

Sorry but you sometimes make it sound like it is all about you and the decision is entirely yours. What makes you think the girl will agree? Her parents wanting her to marry you doesn't mean she wants it as well. If indeed things are serious then you should try to get to know her better and find out what she thinks about everything including your circumstances.

I know the girl and family will agree, they have been trying for 6 long years and are still persisting as well. I am pretty sure if both families talk, she will follow along just like I have to follow along now.

 

[Cryin Out Loud]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] if you can't get her to even talk before marriage, despite apparently trying repeatedly, the problem is either with you or her. Or both.

Either way you won't get the opportunity to know her, which is a disaster in the making.

Forget love, marriage is about companionship.

This may sound paradoxical, given how much you're agonising over the decision, but I also think that you need to have more respect for women, and the marriage process. Speaking about aged out girls, girls with broken engagements- I think your entire tone seems to be one of a reluctant buyer in a retail store observing other transactions, or failed sales.

I agree with a previous poster, marriage is more a contract, less this amazing love business - but it still needs to be respected, as do the two parties that enter into the contract.

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] if you can't get her to even talk before marriage, despite apparently trying repeatedly, the problem is either with you or her. Or both.

Either way you won't get the opportunity to know her, which is a disaster in the making.

Forget love, marriage is about companionship.

This may sound paradoxical, given how much you're agonising over the decision, but I also think that you need to have more respect for women, and the marriage process. Speaking about aged out girls, girls with broken engagements- I think your entire tone seems to be one of a reluctant buyer in a retail store observing other transactions, or failed sales.

I agree with a previous poster, marriage is more a contract, less this amazing love business - but it still needs to be respected, as do the two parties that enter into the contract.

I haven't tried, she just doesn't talk in general until you speak to her but the general impression she is extremely shy, reserved.

I have all the respect for women but I feel if they dish it out they should take it too. Have run into too many aunts who comment on a guys age and make fun of him for being single.

Actually I am scarred by my elder brother and bhabis experience, they were decently married for 7 years arranged marriage, then they had twins and things became so stressful bw them that my bhabi told her parents that she wanted a divorce and then my parents had to fly over and deal with the situation on an emergency basis and her gripe, complaint was that the marriage was all a complete compromise, he didn't really love her and he had become very forgetful, inconsiderate and impatient.

My parents treated her like their own daughter, paid for her accommodation, living expenses, tuition, down payment for a house, nanny expenses and this is what she puts my parents through knowing full well how ill and vulnerable my mom is. So far my parents have managed to mediate and calm things down, but i see how annoyed they act and speak to each other. There is no way you can agree to a marriage without some level of attraction involved

 

[King-Misbah]

I haven't tried, she just doesn't talk in general until you speak to her but the general impression she is extremely shy, reserved.

I have all the respect for women but I feel if they dish it out they should take it too. Have run into too many aunts who comment on a guys age and make fun of him for being single.

Actually I am scarred by my elder brother and bhabis experience, they were decently married for 7 years arranged marriage, then they had twins and things became so stressful bw them that my bhabi told her parents that she wanted a divorce and then my parents had to fly over and deal with the situation on an emergency basis and her gripe, complaint was that the marriage was all a complete compromise, he didn't really love her and he had become very forgetful, inconsiderate and impatient.

My parents treated her like their own daughter, paid for her accommodation, living expenses, tuition, down payment for a house, nanny expenses and this is what she puts my parents through knowing full well how ill and vulnerable my mom is. So far my parents have managed to mediate and calm things down, but i see how annoyed they act and speak to each other. There is no way you can agree to a marriage without some level of attraction involved

You need to stop looking too deep into other people's experiences as most likely things plan out differentially for individuals.

You need to sit down and consider the pros, cons and make a decision. What you do need to realise is that this is not an ideal world and comprises are needed. Look around you and this will open your eyes. No one is perfect. You may be infactuated with a girl in the past but trust me even that person will have their negatives.

Deep down you may have already made a decision. One thing I would say is stop taking advice of too many people as this can be confusing. Stick to 1 or 2 close people and then follow your gut instincts. Always remember that your responsible for your own decisions ultimately.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Dude you've been posting these threads for so many years now. Just go with what your parents want not.
Not many options at 35, you start aging around the age.

For the guys with money they will always have options. I know a doctor who is married to someone 15 years his junior. When the guy has money often time you will see the girls family chase the guy. For poor guys yea options are very bad at age.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I was stuck and infatuated with one girl for the last 5 years and I tried multiple methods to pursue her but nothing worked and in the last 6 months I finally accepted my failure that I could not get her and also keeping in mind my mom's condition made me also rethink and realize that perhaps a girl who looked less intimidating, less difficult to pursue would be a better type.

So far my folks have spoken to me about 3 options. The first girl is my sisters age 26 years old and her childhood best friend from high school whom I know is the most level headed of her friends, when asked if you are willing to consider her I responded sure I definitely feel most comfortable with her given that she has been my sisters friend for so long. However the only stumbling block is that because the girl is a doctor, her parents had asked my folks for help in finding a Pakistani American Doctor groom for her and I am not a doctor. Plus the girl herself doesn't personally want to get married but her parents are looking.

The second girl is the grand daughter of my mom's colleague. She is 24 years old, reasonably decently looking and albeit on the chubby side. My mom showed me her photo and asked me if you were willing to give it a shot. I responded in the affirmative but have not heard back since.

The third girl is the girl in the family in the OP I spoke about. I have been saying no to her for the last 6 years. I don't find her as attractive as the rest of my family so but my biggest issue is her lack of personality ie she is just too damn quite, aloof for my liking and heck you can't even find a pic of her smiling and laughing. But her family has been very persistent all these years and her family is the biggest plus point for me. It is honestly frustrating that when you finally find a family with virtually zero red flags, you find that you are not into the girl at all.

Hey Savak - Sorry to hear about your mom's condition. I know from personal experience how tough that is. But anyway while it can be a good thing to marry someone to make you mom happy, you need to make sure you dont end up ruining some girls life.

For girl #3 would you care if she was aloof, quite, not smiling if she looked like a Pakistani Model/Actress? Or is it really you just dont find her attractive? No girl would want her husband to find her unattractive, that too at the beginning of her marriage.

For girl # 2 you have been rejected.

For girl #1 that girl is not a good option since they are looking for a doc and you are not one. However since they asked your parents to find someone for her, your parents can ask if they know someone for you, she might have classmates, friends, cousins, etc who could be a match. Your sister might also have some other friends who might be looking, so that could be another option.

 

[Pakistanian]

For the guys with money they will always have options. I know a doctor who is married to someone 15 years his junior. When the guy has money often time you will see the girls family chase the guy. For poor guys yea options are very bad at age.

I'm aware, I have a cousin who's now 40 but throughout his 30s who get rishtas for uncles and aunties for their 20-something daughters just cause he's a rich doctor, looks young and great social skills.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I'm aware, I have a cousin who's now 40 but throughout his 30s who get rishtas for uncles and aunties for their 20-something daughters just cause he's a rich doctor, looks young and great social skills.

I dont think those parents cared about the great social skills and looks young part. Most likely the rich doctor part is enough regardless of what he looks like.

 

[Savak]

Hey Savak - Sorry to hear about your mom's condition. I know from personal experience how tough that is. But anyway while it can be a good thing to marry someone to make you mom happy, you need to make sure you dont end up ruining some girls life.

For girl #3 would you care if she was aloof, quite, not smiling if she looked like a Pakistani Model/Actress? Or is it really you just dont find her attractive? No girl would want her husband to find her unattractive, that too at the beginning of her marriage.

For girl # 2 you have been rejected.

For girl #1 that girl is not a good option since they are looking for a doc and you are not one. However since they asked your parents to find someone for her, your parents can ask if they know someone for you, she might have classmates, friends, cousins, etc who could be a match. Your sister might also have some other friends who might be looking, so that could be another option.

Most considered response in this thread. Thank you.

For girl number 3 my folks find her better looking than all the matches but I dont. But I am not even talking of looks here. One glance at her and you get the immediate impression this girl has led a very strict, over protected life with no friends. In the six years I have seen her, I have never seen her interact with anyone, laugh at a joke, smile or express an opinion. It's just very unattractive and the fact her parents have relentlessly tried hard for six long years.

For girl two my parents are like they have a huge list of mental Ilness and szihophrenia in the family hence no one an option

Another girl my parents considered was a friend of my sister who is a doctor but according to them they were extremely Urdu speaking, the girl was extremely ambitious and not looking to live in the West

For girl 3 my sister and parents feel she has too much baggage and not a good fit.

It's very tricky and I feel extremely cornered. Today for the first time in my life, my dad hugged me and cried like a baby on my chest. My mom's rapidly declining cognitive abilities have taken a huge toll on him. I can understand that it must be crushing to see one's wife and life long companion to be in this state. I broke down with him. During my sisters wedding this week, it definitely hurt and upset him that he was no longer able to cover and hide my moms condition from people and everyone has started gossiping and commenting about her having Parkinson's and a neurological disease.

He was pleading with me to say yes to girl no 3 but inspite of all this emotional blackmailing I still have no desire to get it on with the girl inspite of the numerous positive attributes ie good family, its just not feeling right inside, I am feeling like I am being forced into saying yes and it's not going to end well. Deep down I am feeling that me saying yes to this girl will be an admission of defeat that I indeed had no other options for marriage.

But my mothers condition is such right now, I want to give her happiness where she sees me settled and I understand my moms illness has now even drastically reduced my options given that parents and families will be scared that their daughter will be made into a caregiver.

This is why I am desperately brainstorming with others to assess if I am doing the right thing or what would be the right position to take in light of these circumstances and my feelings?

 

[Itachi]

On topic,

Savak my friend, you seem to be a decent guy who doesnt want to cause problems for the girl he would marry. However, you are guilty of over-analyzing things. There is compromise in marriage make no mistake about it. You wont get a smooth relationship for the entirety of your life. Thats why in Islamic traditions, mercy among the couples for each other is considered a more important trait than love itself. Mercy because you know there will be times when you will have to swallow your pride and forgive the other person for not being at their best. If you are a good person (which you are) i am sure you will not make things hard for your wife. However, this overanalyzing will do something to you psychologically. After marriage you will begin to look for faults in your wife to justify your pre-marriage fears and every time she is in a bad mood, you will say to yourself, "well my fears were correct. She isnt good, she is boring, she doesnt socialise well, she doesnt have a sense of humour."

My advice to you in a nut shell will be dont overanalyze things, dont be dry, dont be a pedant. If the girl belongs to a good family, is mentally and physically sound, has a good character as per your definitions, just go for marriage. These are the only ingredients you need as a base for a successful relationship. The things like creating love etc. can be worked on slowly as you spend time with each other as long as you keep in mind the criteria of mercy which i talked about earlier.

Very good advise. I also got the opportunity to look at things( for my case) from different perspective. Thanks brother.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Most considered response in this thread. Thank you.

For girl number 3 my folks find her better looking than all the matches but I dont. But I am not even talking of looks here. One glance at her and you get the immediate impression this girl has led a very strict, over protected life with no friends. In the six years I have seen her, I have never seen her interact with anyone, laugh at a joke, smile or express an opinion. It's just very unattractive and the fact her parents have relentlessly tried hard for six long years.

For girl two my parents are like they have a huge list of mental Ilness and szihophrenia in the family hence no one an option

Another girl my parents considered was a friend of my sister who is a doctor but according to them they were extremely Urdu speaking, the girl was extremely ambitious and not looking to live in the West

For girl 3 my sister and parents feel she has too much baggage and not a good fit.

It's very tricky and I feel extremely cornered. Today for the first time in my life, my dad hugged me and cried like a baby on my chest. My mom's rapidly declining cognitive abilities have taken a huge toll on him. I can understand that it must be crushing to see one's wife and life long companion to be in this state. I broke down with him. During my sisters wedding this week, it definitely hurt and upset him that he was no longer able to cover and hide my moms condition from people and everyone has started gossiping and commenting about her having Parkinson's and a neurological disease.

He was pleading with me to say yes to girl no 3 but inspite of all this emotional blackmailing I still have no desire to get it on with the girl inspite of the numerous positive attributes ie good family, its just not feeling right inside, I am feeling like I am being forced into saying yes and it's not going to end well. Deep down I am feeling that me saying yes to this girl will be an admission of defeat that I indeed had no other options for marriage.

But my mothers condition is such right now, I want to give her happiness where she sees me settled and I understand my moms illness has now even drastically reduced my options given that parents and families will be scared that their daughter will be made into a caregiver.

This is why I am desperately brainstorming with others to assess if I am doing the right thing or what would be the right position to take in light of these circumstances and my feelings?

Would it be possible for you to talk with the girl on the phone? Maybe you might change your opinion of her if you get to talk to her. Also does she have a Facebook/Instagram account? Does she have friends on it, or is it mostly relatives? Are there alot of comments on her page. You can see her "Likes", etc. Some cyber stalking might be in order.

Keep in mind alot of people are shy with people they dont know, but once you get to know them they open up. As you get older this can change so if shes young right now don't assume she will be like this

This is tough decision you have to make. Its one thing when parents emotionally blackmail you when they are healthy but a completely another thing when they are unwell.

The biggest red flag i see is that you have said that they are after you for last 6 years. If they have been actively looking for last 6 years why cant they find someone. But based on what you have mentioned i think it wont hurt to talk to her if that's an option.

 

[pillionrider]

6 years is a long time to pursue one guy. How old is she now? Not sure that has been mentioned and is that a factor in you being undecided. If as you say her parents are very keen on you, pretty sure they would have no issue with you two going out a few times.

 

[pillionrider]

You say she is from a very good family and is a quiet person, which means she probably has a lot of self respect.

Mind is blown

 

[PakLFC]

Quiet people often have some secret or burden they are withholding. I am always mindful off them, silence is not always a quality.

 

[Savak]

Quiet people often have some secret or burden they are withholding. I am always mindful off them, silence is not always a quality.

Lol same here.

 

[dildilpak]

Savak, can you try talking to the girl & find out how she feels about marrying you? And whether she can take up the responsibility of taking occasional care/ being nice to your mom. What if the girl’s parents are interested in you but she is not & hence she is aloof with you?

 

[JaDed]

Mind is blown

) I couldn’t even grasp that at first

 

[Savak]

Savak, can you try talking to the girl & find out how she feels about marrying you? And whether she can take up the responsibility of taking occasional care/ being nice to your mom. What if the girl’s parents are interested in you but she is not & hence she is aloof with you?

Let's see. I think in all likelihood I will take a gamble and concede to my parents wishes. This is the least I can do for them

 

[Slog]

Let's see. I think in all likelihood I will take a gamble and concede to my parents wishes. This is the least I can do for them

If you had to do that why didn’t you do it 5 years earlier when they were trying to convince you.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Mind is blown

So is Modis, never mind.

Its a waste of time advising the OP, he will be here in 20 years time with a new thread...Is it okay for a 55 year old to marry a 25 year old or something along those lines.

 

[RameezRambo_Fan]

My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

Alarm bells are a ringing chief. Bhaag! While you still can.

 

[RameezRambo_Fan]

The first girl is my sisters age 26 years old and her childhood best friend from high school whom I know is the most level headed of her friends, when asked if you are willing to consider her I responded sure I definitely feel most comfortable with her given that she has been my sisters friend for so long. However the only stumbling block is that because the girl is a doctor, her parents had asked my folks for help in finding a Pakistani American Doctor groom for her and I am not a doctor. Plus the girl herself doesn't personally want to get married but her parents are looking.

a. Never date (let alone marry) friends of siblings...ever...EVER.

b. This is a family who seem to look down upon others and are materialistic AF. The fact they're trying to "find a doctor groom" (whatever the heck that means) tells me everything about their mentality. Never waste your time on women who go searching for careers, rather than men, to marry.

The second girl is the grand daughter of my mom's colleague. She is 24 years old, reasonably decently looking and albeit on the chubby side. My mom showed me her photo and asked me if you were willing to give it a shot. I responded in the affirmative but have not heard back since.

Koi gaal nai...there's plenty of machi in the darya. Or something along those lines.

The third girl is the girl in the family in the OP I spoke about. I have been saying no to her for the last 6 years. I don't find her as attractive as the rest of my family so but my biggest issue is her lack of personality ie she is just too damn quite, aloof for my liking and heck you can't even find a pic of her smiling and laughing. But her family has been very persistent all these years and her family is the biggest plus point for me. It is honestly frustrating that when you finally find a family with virtually zero red flags, you find that you are not into the girl at all.

If you don't have a connection. "Thank you, next next" her.


Might I suggest Muzmatch or RishtaPakistan.com ? Seriously, these apps are not bad if you use them right. Several of my friends have found there significant others using it.

 

[Savak]

If you had to do that why didn’t you do it 5 years earlier when they were trying to convince you.

Multiple reasons, back then I had a very slight glimmer of hope with regards to my crush on my bhabis cousin. I have now exhausted all my avenues there now and things bw my brother and bhabi are such that it's best I now not pursue it anymore.

5 years ago my mom was fit and healthy, circumstances have drastically changed now and I am also 35 now with a sick parent.

Tbh I am still confused and undecided whether to agree to this or not but I no longer have any bargaining power, chips or arguments left anymore

 

[Savak]

a. Never date (let alone marry) friends of siblings...ever...EVER.

b. This is a family who seem to look down upon others and are materialistic AF. The fact they're trying to "find a doctor groom" (whatever the heck that means) tells me everything about their mentality. Never waste your time on women who go searching for careers, rather than men, to marry.



Koi gaal nai...there's plenty of machi in the darya. Or something along those lines.



If you don't have a connection. "Thank you, next next" her.


Might I suggest Muzmatch or RishtaPakistan.com ? Seriously, these apps are not bad if you use them right. Several of my friends have found there significant others using it.

I tried a Matrimonial site a few months ago. The vast majority of profiles were unattractive, some were down right fake, some had blatant fake pics and some girls even admitted lying about their age.

There was one girl I got hooked on to for 2 months but then a lot of things she started telling me about her background and things I was observing did not add up at all and I had many doubts about whether she was indeed real and that this wasn't a scam. As a last resort I told my parents that there is a potential option that they should look into and my parents admonished me for using a Matrimonial website without their consent and questioned my mentality and were like you literally might as well just pick someone from the street then. My dad used his contacts in the ISI and IB to investigate the family and unfortunately too many redflags came about which were impossible to ignore. My parents flat out said hell no, she and her family are clearly playing you and eyeing you as a passport. I had no grounds to fight for her. Heck the girl would send me pics which looked doctored or of someone else, the pics were bold but everytime I wanted to video chat with her she refused to show her face and gave the excuse that she was shy and ashamed and wanted some time before she felt comfortable. I should have ended it there and then but a part of me wanted to believe that she was indeed genuine.

Then she over time started telling me about her family going through financial problems and that she was thinking of dropping out of medical school and go into interior designing. Ultimately the red flags were just too real for me and I could not make a case anymore and I wasn't fully convinced myself.

In the end I politely ended it saying that I failed to convince my folks. Lol the girl and her sister sent me nasty voice messages and threatened to report me to the police following which I blocked her.

After this experience there is no way in hell that I will ever try the matrimonial route for now

 

[imrankhannsu]

Perhaps this might be more occuring in rural areas, but surely before anyone approves it is most important that the groom/bride in question has to approve first.

 

[Sirris]

I tried a Matrimonial site a few months ago. The vast majority of profiles were unattractive, some were down right fake, some had blatant fake pics and some girls even admitted lying about their age.

There was one girl I got hooked on to for 2 months but then a lot of things she started telling me about her background and things I was observing did not add up at all and I had many doubts about whether she was indeed real and that this wasn't a scam. As a last resort I told my parents that there is a potential option that they should look into and my parents admonished me for using a Matrimonial website without their consent and questioned my mentality and were like you literally might as well just pick someone from the street then. My dad used his contacts in the ISI and IB to investigate the family and unfortunately too many redflags came about which were impossible to ignore. My parents flat out said hell no, she and her family are clearly playing you and eyeing you as a passport. I had no grounds to fight for her. Heck the girl would send me pics which looked doctored or of someone else, the pics were bold but everytime I wanted to video chat with her she refused to show her face and gave the excuse that she was shy and ashamed and wanted some time before she felt comfortable. I should have ended it there and then but a part of me wanted to believe that she was indeed genuine.

Then she over time started telling me about her family going through financial problems and that she was thinking of dropping out of medical school and go into interior designing. Ultimately the red flags were just too real for me and I could not make a case anymore and I wasn't fully convinced myself.

In the end I politely ended it saying that I failed to convince my folks. Lol the girl and her sister sent me nasty voice messages and threatened to report me to the police following which I blocked her.

After this experience there is no way in hell that I will ever try the matrimonial route for now

Hold on!

ISI and IB have nothing better to do than to do a background check on a potential bride for some American kid?

 

[topspin]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] Without going into detail, enjoy the single life, it has its perks. Go live life a little and when the right one comes, you know what to do. You still have your whole life to look forward to. Don't listen to these posters, who are telling you to rush as if Qiyamat is going to be tomorrow.

 

[Savak]

I have taken study leave from work for my final CPA exam in September.

Today a nurse came to perform a check up on mom, after she left mom, my mother quietly sat down and then went like "as you can see, I am doing my best to get by these days, I mustered up the strength to deal with your sisters wedding but I am not sure how long will I be fit and capable, I would really like to see you get settled, all these things like looks, fame, money, career are just temporary short term things which don't last long, what you really want from a life partner is someone who loves you, respects you and looks after you in sickness and health and ultimately that is the most important thing in a relationship. Look at me, I rose to the top in my medical profession, I had a house, a husband, 3 wonderful kids, I worked so hard my whole life and immediately within one year of retirement when I was looking forward to spending more time with my kids, grandkids, Allah has given me a dehibiliating illness"

I nodded in silence

And then she mentioned "I don't wish to become a burden on my kids. I don't wish to be a burden on people, I don't want your father to give up his dream job which he worked so hard for because of me"

Hearing her say that, I couldn't hold it anymore and I also broke down and started crying for 10-20 seconds. Usually while I am very emotional, it's very hard to get me to cry but hearing my mother say those words to me and to see her in such mental agony was hard to bear. And then I told her "don't say that"

And then she also broke down and went "I want to see you settled before I get really sick"

And I naturally went like "don't worry about it. We will deal with this together and figure it all out "

Looks like my fate is more or less sealed

 

[Gabbar Singh]

She wants to see you settled. However, marrying someone you don’t really like or being in an unhappy marriage is the exact opposite of being settled.

You could just end up adding to your problems.

That said, whatever you decide good luck.

 

[Pakpak]

Hold on!

ISI and IB have nothing better to do than to do a background check on a potential bride for some American kid?

No wonder our country has struggled then

 

[junoon]

Hold on!

ISI and IB have nothing better to do than to do a background check on a potential bride for some American kid?

What does IB stand for?

 

[sshakir411]

idk why but this thread had severe undertones of that one alpha fighter? guy from years ago who'd post similar threads and ask others if he should get married or not. If you've not really had any girlfriends, serious relationships, or lived with a chick before then you should get married to this girl if you find her to be at least a 5/10....