Is it advisable to agree to marry whom your parents, elders approve of but you're not interested in?

[Gabbar Singh]

What does IB stand for?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intelligence_Bureau_(Pakistan)

 

[the Great Khan]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

hi one question, what is her mother like?

 

[Savak]

My dad revealed to me that mom has Multiple Systems Atrophy. Anyone knows what it is?

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

hi one question, what is her mother like?

Nice Sweet lady

 

[the Great Khan]

Nice Sweet lady

then what are you waiting for? Are they shareef paraizghaar loag?

If her mother is sweet and pious and nice then her tarbeat will be along these lines..

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

hi one question, what is her mother like?

then what are you waiting for? Are they shareef paraizghaar loag?

If her mother is sweet and pious and nice then her tarbeat will be along these lines..

True, that is a big pro for me. But to be honest the girl is not special looking and is very very shy, reserved and I personally would have liked someone with a bit of confidence. The family has been targeting me exclusively for the last 6 years and the girl has not received any rishtas all this while.

Is it realistic or practical to marry someone you are not into looks wise or personality wise just because of her parents? How can you be intimate and sexual with someone you are not into and have zero chemistry with

 

[The_Odd_One]

Your mother will die sooner than you but you will be stuck with a spouse you did not need and want for life unless you take the route of divorce. The question is why will you put yourself in that situation in the first place?

This is your life, live it the way you deem right for yourself. It does not mean that you do not care for you mother but it also does not mean that you ruin it for her temporary happiness. You must also consider that you will not only ruin your life but also the life of girl you will marry.

It may all sound harsh but it is the bitter truth of life.

 

[Gabbar Singh]

Your mother will die sooner than you but you will be stuck with a spouse you did not need and want for life unless you take the route of divorce. The question is why will you put yourself in that situation in the first place?

This is your life, live it the way you deem right for yourself. It does not mean that you do not care for you mother but it also does not mean that you ruin it for her temporary happiness. You must also consider that you will not only ruin your life but also the life of girl you will marry.

It may all sound harsh but it is the bitter truth of life.

Listen to the above.

Nothing you've written on this thread - or on other relationship threads - suggests that this union will be a happy one.

Don't risk ruining the poor girl's life. Walk away and find someone you actually want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

hi one question, what is her mother like?

then what are you waiting for? Are they shareef paraizghaar loag?

If her mother is sweet and pious and nice then her tarbeat will be along these lines..

Well my folks made a request to my grandmother to have them arrange a meeting bw the girl and me and see how it goes ie whether she is interested, if there is family pressure on her. I am worried that after going through this meeting and if we decide not to proceed further, it will create a lot of bad feelings and resentment from their side

As much as I am trying to accept her, its very hard, I need to find my spouse either attractive or like her personality atleast. Like I am a pretty shy individual, the last thing I need is someone who is shy and reserved either. I once fell for a girl who perhaps wasnt exceptionally good looking but I was very impressed with her confidence and the fact she literally spoke and interacted with everyone at the wedding functions.

 

[Savak]

I am wondering if we managed to stream lined my mother's care like it is possible in Pakistan where we had two 24/7 nurses, a daily physiotherapist to help out, a nureologist coming in to check on her once in a while and where me and my dad were able to live a normal regular life while taking care of her at the same time would go a long way towards mitigating the concerns of any future bride and her family that she would be made to play the role of a full time caregiver?

I think this looks the only option to do this the right way. Desi families in the west are just too materialistic, just last night in my baby sisters valima, the grooms younger brother made a speech where he mentioned "you are so lucky to be marrying him, you did not have to struggle in medicine as he did, you did not go through challenges that he did, and now that you are married to him, he will ensure things are as easy for you as possible".

Classic case of US and Canadian educated Pakistani doctors considering themselves superior to Pakistani educated doctors.

 

[HussainRx8]

I am wondering if we managed to stream lined my mother's care like it is possible in Pakistan where we had two 24/7 nurses, a daily physiotherapist to help out, a nureologist coming in to check on her once in a while and where me and my dad were able to live a normal regular life while taking care of her at the same time would go a long way towards mitigating the concerns of any future bride and her family that she would be made to play the role of a full time caregiver?

I think this looks the only option to do this the right way. Desi families in the west are just too materialistic, just last night in my baby sisters valima, the grooms younger brother made a speech where he mentioned "you are so lucky to be marrying him, you did not have to struggle in medicine as he did, you did not go through challenges that he did, and now that you are married to him, he will ensure things are as easy for you as possible".

Classic case of US and Canadian educated Pakistani doctors considering themselves superior to Pakistani educated doctors.

Bhai jaan, if your purpose is to get married so your spouse could take care of your ailing mother (may Allah give her shifa), then don't get married. It won't work.

 

[Savak]

Bhai jaan, if your purpose is to get married so your spouse could take care of your ailing mother (may Allah give her shifa), then don't get married. It won't work.

No no. Thats not the intention, I will be responsible for taking care of my mom but once in a blue moon in the event of an emergency and if I am not around she would need to help out.

Besides I thought I would get married by 32 but unfortunately things didn't happen and I am 35 now and apparently this is the age where it gets impossible for guys unless are willing to compromise with someone really mature, a divorcee, a divorcee with kids or a gori

 

[HussainRx8]

No no. Thats not the intention, I will be responsible for taking care of my mom but once in a blue moon in the event of an emergency and if I am not around she would need to help out.

Besides I thought I would get married by 32 but unfortunately things didn't happen and I am 35 now and apparently this is the age where it gets impossible for guys unless are willing to compromise with someone really mature, a divorcee, a divorcee with kids or a gori

It's a tough one. I hope things get better for you.

 

[the Great Khan]

Well my folks made a request to my grandmother to have them arrange a meeting bw the girl and me and see how it goes ie whether she is interested, if there is family pressure on her. I am worried that after going through this meeting and if we decide not to proceed further, it will create a lot of bad feelings and resentment from their side

As much as I am trying to accept her, its very hard, I need to find my spouse either attractive or like her personality atleast. Like I am a pretty shy individual, the last thing I need is someone who is shy and reserved either. I once fell for a girl who perhaps wasnt exceptionally good looking but I was very impressed with her confidence and the fact she literally spoke and interacted with everyone at the wedding functions.

Look, accroding to our deen and the sayings of the Prophet pbuh there are only three ways you can ever really get to know somebody

1) to live with them beyond 24hrs
2)travel with them
3) or do business with them

So my advice to you would be to look at her ikhlaaq, look at her household especially her mother and then ask her how she see's things moving forward with you.

Unfortuantley once you get married you cant simply rely on the woman to hold your hand..you gotta step up.

a little background from when i got married..I saw my wife for about a few minutes..didnt speak or anything..I did istakhara before I saw her and spoke to her parents, family etc..
then made my decision. still married after all this time (nearly 20 years)..

Remember the girl may say no so its not all about you..lol..

 

[Savak]

Look, accroding to our deen and the sayings of the Prophet pbuh there are only three ways you can ever really get to know somebody

1) to live with them beyond 24hrs
2)travel with them
3) or do business with them

So my advice to you would be to look at her ikhlaaq, look at her household especially her mother and then ask her how she see's things moving forward with you.

Unfortuantley once you get married you cant simply rely on the woman to hold your hand..you gotta step up.

a little background from when i got married..I saw my wife for about a few minutes..didnt speak or anything..I did istakhara before I saw her and spoke to her parents, family etc..
then made my decision. still married after all this time (nearly 20 years)..

Remember the girl may say no so its not all about you..lol..

Well according to my dad, the girls family has agreed to a series of private meetings, dinners and then social media chats between us.

The purpose for both of us is to try to assess each other's personalities, characters and try to find out hobbies, interests and ofcourse generally if we are interested in proceeding.

I will sincerely keep an open mind and see what happens. The girl surely cannot be a total introvert as she has been working professionally in the last 5 years as well.

The main USP like I said is the families plain simple non scheming nature. Everytime I have met the girls parents, they have always been very nice and sweet to me and this is why I am giving this a shot

 

[Warfare]

The impression I get is that your father has a lot of money. Use that money to get some professional care for your sick mother. Not only will that take a lot of the burden off your shoulders, but your mother wouldn't have to rely on you and your wife's second rate nursing. You live in America for godsake. For the right price, you have access to the best medical care in the world.

I get it though. Desi parents can be very manipulative and they treat their sons as a retirement care package even when better options are available. But you need to look after yourself for once. You're a 35 year old man asking these questions, it's not normal. Your mother has lived a full life and she can't keep relying on you until she dies. There is a whole world out there. Once your parents are gone, you do not want to be 45 or 50 with a wife you hate and a life that you never asked for.

Personally I think you should forget about marriage for now, make some money, travel to a few foreign countries, and try living on your own.

 

[Savak]

The impression I get is that your father has a lot of money. Use that money to get some professional care for your sick mother. Not only will that take a lot of the burden off your shoulders, but your mother wouldn't have to rely on you and your wife's second rate nursing. You live in America for godsake. For the right price, you have access to the best medical care in the world.

I get it though. Desi parents can be very manipulative and they treat their sons as a retirement care package even when better options are available. But you need to look after yourself for once. You're a 35 year old man asking these questions, it's not normal. Your mother has lived a full life and she can't keep relying on you until she dies. There is a whole world out there. Once your parents are gone, you do not want to be 45 or 50 with a wife you hate and a life that you never asked for.

Personally I think you should forget about marriage for now, make some money, travel to a few foreign countries, and try living on your own.

Lol, my dad has saved, invested very wisely in real estate and other things but even he fears retirement where the only source of income he will have is his pension, investment income and savings. A friend of mine, his dad too had plenty of savings in retirement but 1-2 bad investment decisions left him penniless and he suffered severe health problems as a result of the stress and the son's didn't earn enough to help out.

The issue is my mom is depressed and in denial. We have begged her to now use a strolling cane, not to physical tasks around the house, not to attempt to cook as we will get catered food twice a week, we will get 2-3 different caregivers, helpers who will help her out for a good 8-10 hours a day. We also plan to shift my folks to the basement and install a stair lift. My dad doesn't care about how expensive it is but she refuses to allow, accept it and pays no heed to the emotional, physical and mental toll 24/7 caregiving is taking on my dad and me and others.

 

[Warfare]

Lol, my dad has saved, invested very wisely in real estate and other things but even he fears retirement where the only source of income he will have is his pension, investment income and savings. A friend of mine, his dad too had plenty of savings in retirement but 1-2 bad investment decisions left him penniless and he suffered severe health problems as a result of the stress and the son's didn't earn enough to help out.

The issue is my mom is depressed and in denial. We have begged her to now use a strolling cane, not to physical tasks around the house, not to attempt to cook as we will get catered food twice a week, we will get 2-3 different caregivers, helpers who will help her out for a good 8-10 hours a day. We also plan to shift my folks to the basement and install a stair lift. My dad doesn't care about how expensive it is but she refuses to allow, accept it and pays no heed to the emotional, physical and mental toll 24/7 caregiving is taking on my dad and me and others.

I'm sorry dude. You will need to make some difficult decisions soon, but you have a life to live and deserve some happiness from it.

 

[Savak]

So my parents conveyed the message via my grand mom to girls parents for permission for me and the girl to visit alone and to speak to each other a few times and if both agreed to proceed further, then my folks will make a formal offer.

I promised my parents that i would be extremely open minded and be completely sincere with my conduct and behavior and ofcourse treat the girl with respect as well. So the girls mom called my mom yesterday inviting us for a cup of tea and snacks at their place. My dad is travelling right now and my mother requested for permission to wait till he got back but they insisted and requested that we come.

So i personally took my mom today over to their place. I had a few butterflies in my stomach not knowing what to expect but eventually felt more relaxed and at ease as time went on. I am very introverted, shy and have Aspergers Syndrome, i choose to express my opinions and thoughts very carefully. But in my own family i definately come out of my shell for sure, once someone speaks to me and asks me questions then i really start talking and expressing my thoughts more freely.

So the parents invited me and mom in the living room where we started chit chatting, half an hour later, they called their kids down i.e. 2 sons and the daughter (i.e. the girl in question). Unfortunately inspite of my best efforts to be very open minded, my impressions of her in the last 6 years did not change. Her body language was off a person who didn't want to be there, who was scared and forced to be there. She like i have always observed stays quite, in the corner and only says something very briefly when asked a question. She works in a bank. But overall the girl is just too shy, quite, reserved for my liking.

Like i said i am introverted too, but i had no issues talking about Pakistani politics, Pakistani resteraunts, Cricket, Canada, USA with her folks and her brother. The girl on the other hand remained completely quite and scared to talk, speak and she has always been like this.

I like her parents, very shareef, straight forward and unambitious people. The girls mother is way more talkative in contrast to her and lol, she perhaps talks the most compared to everyone else in the family.

I once again explained my reservations to mom who went like "Achi shareef gharoan kee larkiyan jo hain itne araam se nahin khultin". "She was understandably nervous and felt she was being assessed". My grandmother laid into me and criticized me for not taking the initiative for talking to her, asking her questions and i countered "What the hell do you want me to do, i was speaking to her parents, brother, we were participating in a group discussion, what can i do if she sits there like a robot, if she does not participate or give her own opinion, thoughts on anything". Then my grandmother showed her true feelings by talking about my mothers declining health and the fact that this girl and family is the only one who will accept your family right now.

My dad overall is very perplexed by the fact that the girls parents invited us over to their place like this knowing full well he wasn't in town and even more perplexed that the parents and everyone did not create any opportunity for the two of us to speak privately.

Anyways i have told my reservations once again about the girl to my parents, grand mother, baby sister but overall no one gives a ****, they all basically are treating me like a loser and are using emotional black mailing tactics i.e. my mom's illness into forcing me to go through with it.

 

[Couch Cricketer]

Are you sure your Grandmom actually asked them about you 2 meeting alone. Maybe she planned it that way so that your dad does not ask about it. When it comes to stuff like this don't trust your elders they rarely take your opinions or feelings into consideration.

 

[Savak]

Are you sure your Grandmom actually asked them about you 2 meeting alone. Maybe she planned it that way so that your dad does not ask about it. When it comes to stuff like this don't trust your elders they rarely take your opinions or feelings into consideration.

I have learnt the hard way as well. Elders are full of ****. Let me give you an example.

My phuppa was extremely delighted when i immigrated to Canada in 2012. My phuppa deep down is a loud mouth, a very obnoxious man who feels he is entitled to insult, humiliate people to their faces. There were some odd moments when he was decent with me and other moments when he was indifferent. In 2015, he requested his wife i.e. my phuppo to speak to my parents and to request them to get me engaged to his niece i.e. his elder brothers daughter who is 2 years older to me. I had never met this girl in my life ever before and the first day i ever saw her at a family dinner, she was talking to me, discussing things with me, about my background and i immediately knew this girl did her homework on me.

It was in 2016 where i had made the decision that my first priority to pursue for marriage would be my bhabi's cousin. My phupo and phupa have always pressed my parents hard from 2012 that he needs to get married, find a girl for him. Well i was now finally prepared to settle down and interested in someone, what did they do? Nothing except pray that things don't work out so that they could continue to make a case for my phuppas niece.

I was so hurt and disgusted by my phupos and phuppas inhumanity that outside the odd family dinner, function, i did not personally go to visit them or their house since 2016 because deep down i knew them to be two faced self motivated hypocrites. In 2018 my phuppa finally came to visit me alone at home and he lectured me about the need to get married, settle down, what the hell is the matter with you, why are you not doing it and when i told him i am trying to make things work with my bhabis cousin, he was like do something about it and dont waste any time. When i told him of my frustrations with my parents about their refusal to do anything to approach the girls parents, elders to ask for her hand in marriage for me, he supported my folks by stating that is not how it works in our culture and if the girl is not interested in you then you have got to move on, she is a human being and has the right to decide whatever she wishes.

This phuppa of mine now is now exploiting my mothers illness and had personally requested her to consider his niece for me. My mother did not respond and get back to him. Then this phuppa of mine, went out of his way to help my parents out during my sisters wedding in terms of preparations, recommendations e.t.c but deep down i knew exactly what he was up too. A few weeks ago, even though he never ever heard back from my mother, he then went up to my dad during my sisters valima and requested him to consider his niece for me and my dad told him my son is a mature 35 year old man, he knows what is best for him. Btw this niece of my phuppa has suffered 3 broken engagements now and is 38 years old.

Lol my phuppa knows full well that i have a crush on my bhabi's cousin, yet he is playing all these desperate games behind the scences for his niece for me with my folks knowing full well i have been saying no to her for the last 4 years. What happened to his beliefs that when a girl says no, it means no and that as a man you respect her wishes? Or does that just apply to girls but not to guys?

My faith in this world and the people living in it keeps diminishing hour by hour, day by day

 

[Gabbar Singh]

Savak show some initiative and obtain the girls email add and/or telephone number. You’ll find out very quickly thereafter, after a few emails/calls/messages, what the girl is all about and whether you may be compatible not.

Or do nothing and let your elders control your life and carry on with this drama.

You’re a 35 year old educated and professional man living in Canada - take control of the situation.

 

[Savak]

Savak show some initiative and obtain the girls email add and/or telephone number. You’ll find out very quickly thereafter, after a few emails/calls/messages, what the girl is all about and whether you may be compatible not.

Or do nothing and let your elders control your life and carry on with this drama.

You’re a 35 year old educated and professional man living in Canada - take control of the situation.

Look, i could talk to her, i found her facebook profile and it has very limited activity and not many friends and it is consistent with my public observations of her. Far too quite, shy, aloof. But even by talking to her, i really doubt i am going to be into her.

I am not seriously thinking of telling my folks enough with this bull **** and lets move on from this family. Its just not going to work and i don't want to embarrass them and their folks and the girl.

 

[UP]

If you are not into her, then bug off man. Go find someone else and save both parties from misery.

 

[Poseidon]

need help here, i cant find a girl for marriage, not even widow/divorce or older than me.

 

[Savak]

need help here, i cant find a girl for marriage, not even widow/divorce or older than me.

If you are indeed desperate and are willing to accept anyone that comes your way, then go to a matrimonial website, but beware of potentials of scams, people hiding things under the rug and other potential risks.

 

[Poseidon]

If you are indeed desperate and are willing to accept anyone that comes your way, then go to a matrimonial website, but beware of potentials of scams, people hiding things under the rug and other potential risks.

can you explain this plz.

well, as a matter of fact i am already on one matrimonial site and the result is disappointed. she/family ask about job and earning and then no reply after that. looks like i am gonna die alone .

 

[DeadBall]

looks like i am gonna die alone .

So you just want to a death partner, not a life partner.

 

[Poseidon]

So you just want to a death partner, not a life partner.

i want both.

 

[marlonbrowndo]

Shaadi karlay yaar bus

Man I spit my water out this is funnier than it should be

 

[Savak]

can you explain this plz.

well, as a matter of fact i am already on one matrimonial site and the result is disappointed. she/family ask about job and earning and then no reply after that. looks like i am gonna die alone .

Don't rely one one, sign up for 10-12 and that way your options are open. If the girls are living in the same city as you then request for coffee, dinner. If you are dealing with parents or siblings, relatives or friends, tell her that you need to speak to the girl and maybe even have dinner, coffee with her a few times. Things like fake pics. Pics which dont look recent. If the girl says she is 23-24 but when you look at her pics she looks to be much older and even in her 30's. Request her for her social media accounts. Request her to video chat with you showing her face, you will notice at times that there is a big difference.

Also a lot of gangs are on these matrimonial websties where the girl, an elder lady, an elder guy pose as a family but they are in reality three different individuals who are running a scam. Try to get their full names, addresses, if possible even CNIC numbers to do a background check.

There are not enough safeguards you can implement

 

[shaz619]

Just take the plunge with someone before it's too late, you're never going to find the absolute perfect person; it's useless having a very rigid criteria; you just never know, better to get to know someone, build a connection etc otherwise you will turn into a skeleton while you're still looking for your manufactured bride

 

[Savak]

Just take the plunge with someone before it's too late, you're never going to find the absolute perfect person; it's useless having a very rigid criteria; you just never know, better to get to know someone, build a connection etc otherwise you will turn into a skeleton while you're still looking for your manufactured bride

This is the problem. I know there is no one perfect out there. Heck i am not perfect by any stretch. Its just my wretched luck, my friends who went through love marriages would tell me i was lucky not to be going through it and that arranged marriages were better, i beg to differ, love marriages are much simpler and in fact most arranged marriages now are love-arranged marriages.

How can you build a connection with a girl who doesn't talk at all, has an expressionless demeanour, poor body language, to be honest i dont want to sound harsh but i can now understand why the girls parents have been targetting me for the last 6 years, no one wants to a girl who isn't spectacular looking, who doesn't talk, even a guy wants some semblance off how will i look with this girl in public.

I had already told my parents that i am willing to consider and be open minded about X, Y, Z option but all i get is stuff like X has mental health issues, she is very emotional and depressed, Y has a history of suicide and scizhophrenia in her family, Y is very aggressive, she is going to eat you alive and will prefer not to live abroad. Then my grand mother tries to argue with me when i told her that i tried my best to be open minded about the girl, i am just not feeling it sorry and then my grand mother tries to emotionally blackmail me that your mother is very sick, give her some happiness, bring someone home (as if a shy, reserved, expressionless girl is the way to go) and then goes like it is very hard to find a Pakistani girl in Canada or the US with very good character.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Savak - The reason your grandmother laid it to you, was because in an arranged marriage scenario the guy needs to take the lead. I understand this girl is shy, but even if it was a outgoing girl she would not be that talkative in this situation. Girls are under alot of pressure, more than guys, in these meet ups. Being talkative might be seen as too "forward" by some families (not saying yours), so girls usually play it safe, and let the guy take the lead.

You said that her family is open to you talking to her alone. So next time you talk, try to make it an icebreaker. Maybe keep the questions very casual, ask about movies, travel, music, food, politics, etc. And try to make the questions open ended, so you dont get a yes or no response.

So to give an example, instead of asking do you like to travel? do you like movies?, you could ask Where have you traveled too/Where would you like to travel too/what movies do you like/what was last movie you watched.

Try to make it that she talks 80 percent of the time.

I know you dont seem very eager to marry her, but it wont hurt to talk to her a few more times for your parents sake. You could tell them then you tried, and it just didnt work out.

How did she look? If you find her decent then i def think its worth it to continue to talk to her. It might take her time to open up, but for all you know she is very talkative with people she is comfortable with.

BTW like you i also find outgoing girls better than the shy ones, however if i had a choice between a shy girl who looks like Sonya Hussain, and a outgoing girl who looks like marvi sirmed, i would take the shy one everyday and twice on Sunday.

 

[Savak]

Savak - The reason your grandmother laid it to you, was because in an arranged marriage scenario the guy needs to take the lead. I understand this girl is shy, but even if it was a outgoing girl she would not be that talkative in this situation. Girls are under alot of pressure, more than guys, in these meet ups. Being talkative might be seen as too "forward" by some families (not saying yours), so girls usually play it safe, and let the guy take the lead.

You said that her family is open to you talking to her alone. So next time you talk, try to make it an icebreaker. Maybe keep the questions very casual, ask about movies, travel, music, food, politics, etc. And try to make the questions open ended, so you dont get a yes or no response.

So to give an example, instead of asking do you like to travel? do you like movies?, you could ask Where have you traveled too/Where would you like to travel too/what movies do you like/what was last movie you watched.

Try to make it that she talks 80 percent of the time.

I know you dont seem very eager to marry her, but it wont hurt to talk to her a few more times for your parents sake. You could tell them then you tried, and it just didnt work out.

How did she look? If you find her decent then i def think its worth it to continue to talk to her. It might take her time to open up, but for all you know she is very talkative with people she is comfortable with.

BTW like you i also find outgoing girls better than the shy ones, however if i had a choice between a shy girl who looks like Sonya Hussain, and a outgoing girl who looks like marvi sirmed, i would take the shy one everyday and twice on Sunday.

Lol the girl is not that special to look at to be honest. In 2015 i was mesmerized by a super talkative girl from the UK at my cousins wedding, she was decent, a bit kalli according to my family members but what i really liked about her was how confident and super talkative she was with everyone. Sadly the elders in my family objected because the girl came from a broken home where she witnessed a lot of infighting between her mom and dad. My dad too was put off by how confident and talkative she was and he was like we don't want a very fast girl in the family either.

This is where the problem is, i being a modern boy raised in an English Upper Medium School environment for the most part and my folks feel that a girl who is very shy, not very special to look at, who has throughout her life whatever she has been ordered to by her parents and has no serious ambitions of her own is what is perfect for me whereas i want someone that i can atleast look decent with in public as well where people can somewhat say the guy did well for himself.

 

[Savak]

Lol i like girls who take the lead to be honest. I get put off if i being the guy am making the effort most of the times.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Lol the girl is not that special to look at to be honest. In 2015 i was mesmerized by a super talkative girl from the UK at my cousins wedding, she was decent, a bit kalli according to my family members but what i really liked about her was how confident and super talkative she was with everyone. Sadly the elders in my family objected because the girl came from a broken home where she witnessed a lot of infighting between her mom and dad. My dad too was put off by how confident and talkative she was and he was like we don't want a very fast girl in the family either.

This is where the problem is, i being a modern boy raised in an English Upper Medium School environment for the most part and my folks feel that a girl who is very shy, not very special to look at, who has throughout her life whatever she has been ordered to by her parents and has no serious ambitions of her own is what is perfect for me whereas i want someone that i can atleast look decent with in public as well where people can somewhat say the guy did well for himself.

There was a Pakistani drama Humsafar that had this as a part of the story a modern guy (Fawad Khan) gets married to his Urdu medium cousin (Mahira Khan). But with that said you need to do what you feel is best. Its your life at the end of the day, not your parents.

 

[Pakpak]

Lol the girl is not that special to look at to be honest. In 2015 i was mesmerized by a super talkative girl from the UK at my cousins wedding, she was decent, a bit kalli according to my family members but what i really liked about her was how confident and super talkative she was with everyone. Sadly the elders in my family objected because the girl came from a broken home where she witnessed a lot of infighting between her mom and dad. My dad too was put off by how confident and talkative she was and he was like we don't want a very fast girl in the family either.

This is where the problem is, i being a modern boy raised in an English Upper Medium School environment for the most part and my folks feel that a girl who is very shy, not very special to look at, who has throughout her life whatever she has been ordered to by her parents and has no serious ambitions of her own is what is perfect for me whereas i want someone that i can atleast look decent with in public as well where people can somewhat say the guy did well for himself.

What a sad thing to reject someone by. Our culture is completely messed up.

 

[Pakpak]

And to add it seems like your parents want someone who can be bossed around manipulated going by your second paragraph in the post above.

Good luck to the girl.

 

[cricketjoshila]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

This arranged marriage scenario is very difficult. The girl will never take initiative because that would be considered as being loud and too fast in desi culture.

As you have Aspergers its difficult for you too to take the initiative to open up.

Get hold of her number or mail or any other id and communicate digitally as that may make you guys more comfortable.

 

[amvbfm]

This is the problem. I know there is no one perfect out there. Heck i am not perfect by any stretch. Its just my wretched luck, my friends who went through love marriages would tell me i was lucky not to be going through it and that arranged marriages were better, i beg to differ, love marriages are much simpler and in fact most arranged marriages now are love-arranged marriages.

How can you build a connection with a girl who doesn't talk at all, has an expressionless demeanour, poor body language, to be honest i dont want to sound harsh but i can now understand why the girls parents have been targetting me for the last 6 years, no one wants to a girl who isn't spectacular looking, who doesn't talk, even a guy wants some semblance off how will i look with this girl in public.

I had already told my parents that i am willing to consider and be open minded about X, Y, Z option but all i get is stuff like X has mental health issues, she is very emotional and depressed, Y has a history of suicide and scizhophrenia in her family, Y is very aggressive, she is going to eat you alive and will prefer not to live abroad. Then my grand mother tries to argue with me when i told her that i tried my best to be open minded about the girl, i am just not feeling it sorry and then my grand mother tries to emotionally blackmail me that your mother is very sick, give her some happiness, bring someone home (as if a shy, reserved, expressionless girl is the way to go) and then goes like it is very hard to find a Pakistani girl in Canada or the US with very good character.

You really can't judge other people's lives. Many times what happens behind closed doors is a lot different than what you can see. Also you can't generalize about love or arranged as you can't tell much about someone until you live with them and go through trivial everyday stuff together. Everything looks rosy before marriage, actual married life is a lot different than that heady feeling and more about practicalities and compromises.

I understand that you are looking for certain things in a potential match but tbh considering your personality (what little is apparent online and what you have shared), your circumstances, and your goals, some of your expectations are totally unrealistic. I would attribute that to a lack of experience as you come across as someone who has lived a pretty sheltered life. Perhaps this is just an unconscious effort to rebel, to not do what your family wants you to do but unfortunately you don't seem to have the courage to break free from their influence (not saying that is a bad thing) and go your own way.

It is understandable that you are looking for someone different from you, perhaps someone with attributes and strengths that you don't have but which you wished you had (bold, outgoing etc) and at times that works but a lot of times it is also a recipe for failure. Moreover, some of your requirements are confusing and contradictory. You want someone who is outgoing, bold, highly educated (what you want does fall in that category), ambitious, has opinions, but is also a homemaker and has eastern values and will fit in your family, which from the looks of it is pretty conservative. Moreover, you want someone like that to not only agree to marry you but also support you in your difficult times. That is asking for a lot. I really can't see why such a perfect girl will be willing to accept all your flaws unless she is already in love with you, which isn't the case here.

Ironically, your ideal girl if you ever find her might perceive you exactly as you are looking at this girl. He is too shy, introverted, his family doesn't seem right. He doesn't appear ambitious or why else is he struggling to keep jobs. You know that isn't true and were she talk to you she would feel differently. But she probably wouldn't as she won't feel any attraction, at least not until she gave you the opportunity to make your case. Isn't that what you felt with your crush? That you weren't allowed to make your case properly to her? Inadvertently, you are doing the same with this girl, you are rejecting her without allowing her to make her case or giving her a chance.

You need to try and be a lot more realistic and mature here. If you really think that your family is as selfish as you think or holding you back, then either you need to have the courage to be independent (a lot easier in the West) or else make peace with the fact that you can't leave them and listen to their suggestions and consider this whole thing practically rather than from a purely idealistic and romantic perspective.

 

[Savak]

You really can't judge other people's lives. Many times what happens behind closed doors is a lot different than what you can see. Also you can't generalize about love or arranged as you can't tell much about someone until you live with them and go through trivial everyday stuff together. Everything looks rosy before marriage, actual married life is a lot different than that heady feeling and more about practicalities and compromises.

I understand that you are looking for certain things in a potential match but tbh considering your personality (what little is apparent online and what you have shared), your circumstances, and your goals, some of your expectations are totally unrealistic. I would attribute that to a lack of experience as you come across as someone who has lived a pretty sheltered life. Perhaps this is just an unconscious effort to rebel, to not do what your family wants you to do but unfortunately you don't seem to have the courage to break free from their influence (not saying that is a bad thing) and go your own way.

It is understandable that you are looking for someone different from you, perhaps someone with attributes and strengths that you don't have but which you wished you had (bold, outgoing etc) and at times that works but a lot of times it is also a recipe for failure. Moreover, some of your requirements are confusing and contradictory. You want someone who is outgoing, bold, highly educated (what you want does fall in that category), ambitious, has opinions, but is also a homemaker and has eastern values and will fit in your family, which from the looks of it is pretty conservative. Moreover, you want someone like that to not only agree to marry you but also support you in your difficult times. That is asking for a lot. I really can't see why such a perfect girl will be willing to accept all your flaws unless she is already in love with you, which isn't the case here.

Ironically, your ideal girl if you ever find her might perceive you exactly as you are looking at this girl. He is too shy, introverted, his family doesn't seem right. He doesn't appear ambitious or why else is he struggling to keep jobs. You know that isn't true and were she talk to you she would feel differently. But she probably wouldn't as she won't feel any attraction, at least not until she gave you the opportunity to make your case. Isn't that what you felt with your crush? That you weren't allowed to make your case properly to her? Inadvertently, you are doing the same with this girl, you are rejecting her without allowing her to make her case or giving her a chance.

You need to try and be a lot more realistic and mature here. If you really think that your family is as selfish as you think or holding you back, then either you need to have the courage to be independent (a lot easier in the West) or else make peace with the fact that you can't leave them and listen to their suggestions and consider this whole thing practically rather than from a purely idealistic and romantic perspective.

Typical buzurg thought. I feel like my parents, aunts, grandmother is talking to me here.

Let me give you an example. They are not gods, they too can make mistakes and ultimately at the end of the day it is the individual in question who will get blamed if things don't work out as according to the rest of the world he didn't stand up for himself when the time was right as is the case with my mamu after he finally divorced his physically and verbally abusive spouse after 18 years of a miserable marriage

Mom wanted me to marry a first cousin from 2015-2017 under the pretext the girls in the family are far superior and have better family values than girls outside the family and atleast we know them very well and according to my dad "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know". My mother was very upset when I said no to her. The rest of the world felt I had screwed up because she was the hottest girl I could have ever had even if she was a first cousin. But I was hesitant because she was a first cousin and of course because I was also infatuated with my bhabis cousin as well. My baby sister who is my closest confidante fluctuated from you should say no to her, you should say yes to her and now she is saying say no to her.

Anyways this first cousin of mine finally came to Canada for a medical internship my father had held to arrange for her for 2 months in the Summer of 2017. She left a very bad impression on every family relative she stayed at, waking up at 12-1 in the afternoon, sleeping at 4-5 in the morning, coming and leaving the house as she pleased, sneaking out at nights to go to clubs and concerts. No girl in our family is given such liberties but lol it came as a shock to her when the relatives imposed a curfew time on her and told her that as long as she was staying in their house she would have to abide by their rules and regulations. She would create a nuisance by talking so loudly on telephone, whatsapp, skype with her friends at night when everyone else was trying to sleep. She bailed out of family dinners at the last minute because she wanted to visit friends and go to concerts. My dad was very upset when she didn't offer to vacate her room for elders when the house was over flowing with guests. I remember when I had to drop her to the airport on her flight home, she was so clumsy with her stuff, packing and luggage, I could tell she smokes, does weed. Later at the airport it was a night mare to wait for her to sort out and redistribute her luggage because she was caught over the limit 5 times. Lol she couldn't even type on the computer screen to check in online and kept making spelling mistakes. I had to ultimately offer to do it for her and it took one minute.

When she left literally everyone couldn't stop bad mouthing her. My sister later told me that this cousin of mine did drugs frequently with her friends and was once even caught drunk in the washroom of McDonald's. I was actually more upset with my sister for not having the courage to tell my parents about these things when they were intensifying the pressure on me to say yes to her. Lol after that experience my parents never ever had the guts to tell me son you were absolutely correct. All they did after that experience was never take her name again but I once intercepted a whatsapp message between my parents where they were like our son was right all along, Allah indeed is the best of planners.

Anyways I have been very flexible with my parents. From 2016 to 2018, I simply told my folks to please get the ball rolling with my bhabis cousin via the arranged marriage route as I knew it was the best approach as me trying to go it alone via social media was going to be a complete long shot especially given that we were in totally different countries

My parents did absolutely nothing but to sit on their assess without any regards to me going from 31 years old to 35 years old. All they did was to just turn to 2-3 options in the family I had turned down multiple times. They didn't even bother to find options outside the family to counter my bhabis cousin. Had they pitched an offer as early as 2016 and if no response was received from the other side, yes I may have sulked and been upset but I would have realistically been in a position to then consider other options. But nope their self respect and izzat was far more important than their sons life.

In the last 4-5 months I have only said no to this current girl in question and said I am open minded to the 4 other options they presented to me outside the family.

End result all the options I said ok to either have mental health problems or history of suicide in their family or are just to academically ambitious and will apparently walk over me.

Then my family and extended relatives make accusations against me that I am the one who made life hell for my parents all these years, I had paralyzed them and now it was my duty to just say yes to the girl they want for me on account of my mom's illness. At the same time my phupa who lectured me to let go of my crush on my bhabis cousin a few months ago under the pretext it is illegal to pursue a girl who is not interested in you has tried desperately to pitch his 36 year old niece who has gone through 3 broken engagements herself to my sick mother and when he did not receive a response from my mother, a few months later my father in my sisters valima knowing full well I am not interested in his niece and I have said no to her multiple times, but why would he give a f about me, my life as long as he gets what he wants.

I even registered on a matrimonial website and found one girl who was interesting to me and my parents completely refused to even meet the family because he felt they were scam artists and from complety impoverished backgrounds and that I was completely and utterly naive to the complications that occur when a girl from a poor impoverished family marries a guy from a decent to do well off family. I had zero answers to the questions "how do you think it will look if your parents who were top notch doctors are sitting with them in a family setting while they on the other hand have people who are truck drivers, taxi drivers, people doing odd jobs? What will you do if her brother in laws turn up at your door step demanding $10k from you. He then proceeded to give me examples within the family where one girl defied her parents and chose to marry a poor guy for love and the guy later on kept on demanding money frequently from his father in law who had no choice but to give it for his daughters sake. I had zero answers to these questions and I had no proof that the girls pics were real and she was refusing to show me her face via a webcam. Later I managed to get the girl to divulge her full name, name of her mom, late father, siblings, addresses and my dad used his contacts and unfortunately no one in their neighbourhood knew anything about the family, their past, history and he felt convinced they were playing me

I had no choice in the end but to tell the family that I am facing opposition in my family. I ended up receiving a barrage of abuse from the girls family for the one month I interacted with them for playing around with them and that they would report me to the police. After that experience I stayed clear of these websites as I couldn't go through this **** again because I can't lead someone on again only to be unable to go through with it at the end.

As far as I am concerned my conscience is clear. I sincerely gave a shot to this recent family, girl and willfully took my mom to their place. My impressions of her did not change and I know full well I would be messing mine and her life up by going along with this facade

What upsets me the most is that nobody in my family even asks me how do I feel deep down about the events of the last 3 years. Are you okay? Do you feel some resentment about how things happened?

As a guy do I not deserve some happiness and to be attracted to my future spouse to an extent?

As far as I am concerned yes I will give a chance to anyone my folks suggest to me. But if I see something that I don't like, then I reserve the right to say no and back out just like a girl who has the same right

 

[dildilpak]

TBH, I would see red flags too if a family is waiting for 6 years to marry off their daughter to anybody - no self-respecting family waits desperately for a guy to say YES to their daughter these days. Trust your instincts - if you cannot think about living with the girl, then you shouldn't be marrying her irrespective of her family background - it is better to say no now then get trapped in a possibly bad marriage. Remember, no grandmother or any other family member can help you out if you are unhappily married.

You say you like another girl, do you know if she reciprocates your feelings? Can you talk to her & figure out how she feels about your mother's health situation. If she likes you & is okay with your mom's illness, it would become relatively easier to convince your family about her. If not, just move on & find somebody who is & someone you can live with. You are from a educated family in Canada, surely cant be that difficult to find a girl.

 

[mgtow]

Lol i like girls who take the lead to be honest. I get put off if i being the guy am making the effort most of the times.

Men are supposed to lead by example. Women counts on men being really men - the confident man with responsibility. No girl in right mind would want to marry the boy. And you, quiet frankly, are boy - the boy with no responsibility and shallow. No offence.

 

[Savak]

Men are supposed to lead by example. Women counts on men being really men - the confident man with responsibility. No girl in right mind would want to marry the boy. And you, quiet frankly, are boy - the boy with no responsibility and shallow. No offence.

Guys like girls who can lead and show confidence as well, a girl who is totally dependent on her guy is a put off for most men, in todays world, men cannot baby sit their wives 24/7 either. If girls can have the same gripe with guys in terms of not being their mothers, so do guys. I find it funny how in our society all the elders comments "Larkee ghar ke andar rizq, ronnaq, kushi le kar aayee gee" and then in reality the guy has to have each and every single thing in his life sorted and the girl has to do nothing. Feminists will say it is okay for the girl to be depressed, not fully confident and secure and the guy should show love, understanding but no girl should have to put up with a guy with these problems.

 

[Savak]

TBH, I would see red flags too if a family is waiting for 6 years to marry off their daughter to anybody - no self-respecting family waits desperately for a guy to say YES to their daughter these days. Trust your instincts - if you cannot think about living with the girl, then you shouldn't be marrying her irrespective of her family background - it is better to say no now then get trapped in a possibly bad marriage. Remember, no grandmother or any other family member can help you out if you are unhappily married.

You say you like another girl, do you know if she reciprocates your feelings? Can you talk to her & figure out how she feels about your mother's health situation. If she likes you & is okay with your mom's illness, it would become relatively easier to convince your family about her. If not, just move on & find somebody who is & someone you can live with. You are from a educated family in Canada, surely cant be that difficult to find a girl.

Its a big red flag for me too as to why are they so hell bent on targetting me only. They tried for 6 long years and they know full well i have said no to her in the past, heck i am pretty sure my grandmother would have told them i was interested in someone else all these years but they are still persisting.

Sigh the situation with the girl i like is a complete dead end and is hopeless now and it sucks when you are infatuated with someone who doesn't reciprocate. I have been very flexible and open minded in the last 6 months and have both talked to a few other options and even told my parents whenever they have suggested options that i am open minded about them and if you want me to talk to them i will. But again what can i do if my parents come back to me with excuses about someone having mental health, depression issues, the other person has issues with suicide.

Unfortunately my mom's terminal illness has completely complicated things. I am presently on study leave unpaid for my final CPA exam this September. It is the mother of all exams and students and married folks actually send their wives, kids away for vacations for 6-8 weeks so that they can fully focus on their exams. But i am have been busy trying to balance studies and caregiving duties for my mother in Canada and at times i fear i can't really study properly for this exam and may end up failing, but my mother will always come first for me.

 

[dildilpak]

Its a big red flag for me too as to why are they so hell bent on targetting me only. They tried for 6 long years and they know full well i have said no to her in the past, heck i am pretty sure my grandmother would have told them i was interested in someone else all these years but they are still persisting.

Sigh the situation with the girl i like is a complete dead end and is hopeless now and it sucks when you are infatuated with someone who doesn't reciprocate. I have been very flexible and open minded in the last 6 months and have both talked to a few other options and even told my parents whenever they have suggested options that i am open minded about them and if you want me to talk to them i will. But again what can i do if my parents come back to me with excuses about someone having mental health, depression issues, the other person has issues with suicide.

Unfortunately my mom's terminal illness has completely complicated things. I am presently on study leave unpaid for my final CPA exam this September. It is the mother of all exams and students and married folks actually send their wives, kids away for vacations for 6-8 weeks so that they can fully focus on their exams. But i am have been busy trying to balance studies and caregiving duties for my mother in Canada and at times i fear i can't really study properly for this exam and may end up failing, but my mother will always come first for me.

With all due respects to your family members, it sounds like they are more interested in finding a daughter-in-law/ nursemaid than a lifelong companion for their son. I feel for ya- must not be easy dealing with this while living through your mom's situation.

Your situation somewhat reminds me of my cousin in Karachi, who was in love with a lovely girl but his parents didn't like her for some illogical reasons. His father had an end-stage kidney disease & they were emotionally blackmailing him to find somebody of their own choice. Finally he went all out Desi-Bollywood & told them he would not marry anybody else if he couldn't marry his gf. Took him a while, but they finally relented & now they have all adjusted well to each other.

Maybe take a break from the whole mess for a few weeks & focus on your CPA & your mom. Good luck!

 

[Savak]

With all due respects to your family members, it sounds like they are more interested in finding a daughter-in-law/ nursemaid than a lifelong companion for their son. I feel for ya- must not be easy dealing with this while living through your mom's situation.

Your situation somewhat reminds me of my cousin in Karachi, who was in love with a lovely girl but his parents didn't like her for some illogical reasons. His father had an end-stage kidney disease & they were emotionally blackmailing him to find somebody of their own choice. Finally he went all out Desi-Bollywood & told them he would not marry anybody else if he couldn't marry his gf. Took him a while, but they finally relented & now they have all adjusted well to each other.

Maybe take a break from the whole mess for a few weeks & focus on your CPA & your mom. Good luck!

I am a fairly optimistic person and I am trying not to even worry about myself and focusing on my mom. I have joined FB groups on MSA and been busy interacting with people who have gone through the process caring for their loved ones who battled this disease and am taking their tips, suggestions seriously.

On the side I am also going to take my mom to this Islamic centre in Mississauga for a ruqya procedure. When modern science and medicine is not working then what's the harm in trying Islamic procedures and processes. There are miraculous stories about people having recovered from terminal cancer, recovered from HIV by resorting to Islamic solutions and yes I have a solid suspicion that there could be a black magic element. My mamus ex wife after receiving a divorce notice and in her final act before leaving my nana's house took a photograph of my mom and khala. Why underestimate the evil that human beings are capable off?

 

[amvbfm]

Typical buzurg thought. I feel like my parents, aunts, grandmother is talking to me here.

Let me give you an example. They are not gods, they too can make mistakes and ultimately at the end of the day it is the individual in question who will get blamed if things don't work out as according to the rest of the world he didn't stand up for himself when the time was right as is the case with my mamu after he finally divorced his physically and verbally abusive spouse after 18 years of a miserable marriage

Mom wanted me to marry a first cousin from 2015-2017 under the pretext the girls in the family are far superior and have better family values than girls outside the family and atleast we know them very well and according to my dad "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know". My mother was very upset when I said no to her. The rest of the world felt I had screwed up because she was the hottest girl I could have ever had even if she was a first cousin. But I was hesitant because she was a first cousin and of course because I was also infatuated with my bhabis cousin as well. My baby sister who is my closest confidante fluctuated from you should say no to her, you should say yes to her and now she is saying say no to her.

Anyways this first cousin of mine finally came to Canada for a medical internship my father had held to arrange for her for 2 months in the Summer of 2017. She left a very bad impression on every family relative she stayed at, waking up at 12-1 in the afternoon, sleeping at 4-5 in the morning, coming and leaving the house as she pleased, sneaking out at nights to go to clubs and concerts. No girl in our family is given such liberties but lol it came as a shock to her when the relatives imposed a curfew time on her and told her that as long as she was staying in their house she would have to abide by their rules and regulations. She would create a nuisance by talking so loudly on telephone, whatsapp, skype with her friends at night when everyone else was trying to sleep. She bailed out of family dinners at the last minute because she wanted to visit friends and go to concerts. My dad was very upset when she didn't offer to vacate her room for elders when the house was over flowing with guests. I remember when I had to drop her to the airport on her flight home, she was so clumsy with her stuff, packing and luggage, I could tell she smokes, does weed. Later at the airport it was a night mare to wait for her to sort out and redistribute her luggage because she was caught over the limit 5 times. Lol she couldn't even type on the computer screen to check in online and kept making spelling mistakes. I had to ultimately offer to do it for her and it took one minute.

When she left literally everyone couldn't stop bad mouthing her. My sister later told me that this cousin of mine did drugs frequently with her friends and was once even caught drunk in the washroom of McDonald's. I was actually more upset with my sister for not having the courage to tell my parents about these things when they were intensifying the pressure on me to say yes to her. Lol after that experience my parents never ever had the guts to tell me son you were absolutely correct. All they did after that experience was never take her name again but I once intercepted a whatsapp message between my parents where they were like our son was right all along, Allah indeed is the best of planners.

Anyways I have been very flexible with my parents. From 2016 to 2018, I simply told my folks to please get the ball rolling with my bhabis cousin via the arranged marriage route as I knew it was the best approach as me trying to go it alone via social media was going to be a complete long shot especially given that we were in totally different countries

My parents did absolutely nothing but to sit on their assess without any regards to me going from 31 years old to 35 years old. All they did was to just turn to 2-3 options in the family I had turned down multiple times. They didn't even bother to find options outside the family to counter my bhabis cousin. Had they pitched an offer as early as 2016 and if no response was received from the other side, yes I may have sulked and been upset but I would have realistically been in a position to then consider other options. But nope their self respect and izzat was far more important than their sons life.

In the last 4-5 months I have only said no to this current girl in question and said I am open minded to the 4 other options they presented to me outside the family.

End result all the options I said ok to either have mental health problems or history of suicide in their family or are just to academically ambitious and will apparently walk over me.

Then my family and extended relatives make accusations against me that I am the one who made life hell for my parents all these years, I had paralyzed them and now it was my duty to just say yes to the girl they want for me on account of my mom's illness. At the same time my phupa who lectured me to let go of my crush on my bhabis cousin a few months ago under the pretext it is illegal to pursue a girl who is not interested in you has tried desperately to pitch his 36 year old niece who has gone through 3 broken engagements herself to my sick mother and when he did not receive a response from my mother, a few months later my father in my sisters valima knowing full well I am not interested in his niece and I have said no to her multiple times, but why would he give a f about me, my life as long as he gets what he wants.

I even registered on a matrimonial website and found one girl who was interesting to me and my parents completely refused to even meet the family because he felt they were scam artists and from complety impoverished backgrounds and that I was completely and utterly naive to the complications that occur when a girl from a poor impoverished family marries a guy from a decent to do well off family. I had zero answers to the questions "how do you think it will look if your parents who were top notch doctors are sitting with them in a family setting while they on the other hand have people who are truck drivers, taxi drivers, people doing odd jobs? What will you do if her brother in laws turn up at your door step demanding $10k from you. He then proceeded to give me examples within the family where one girl defied her parents and chose to marry a poor guy for love and the guy later on kept on demanding money frequently from his father in law who had no choice but to give it for his daughters sake. I had zero answers to these questions and I had no proof that the girls pics were real and she was refusing to show me her face via a webcam. Later I managed to get the girl to divulge her full name, name of her mom, late father, siblings, addresses and my dad used his contacts and unfortunately no one in their neighbourhood knew anything about the family, their past, history and he felt convinced they were playing me

I had no choice in the end but to tell the family that I am facing opposition in my family. I ended up receiving a barrage of abuse from the girls family for the one month I interacted with them for playing around with them and that they would report me to the police. After that experience I stayed clear of these websites as I couldn't go through this **** again because I can't lead someone on again only to be unable to go through with it at the end.

As far as I am concerned my conscience is clear. I sincerely gave a shot to this recent family, girl and willfully took my mom to their place. My impressions of her did not change and I know full well I would be messing mine and her life up by going along with this facade

What upsets me the most is that nobody in my family even asks me how do I feel deep down about the events of the last 3 years. Are you okay? Do you feel some resentment about how things happened?

As a guy do I not deserve some happiness and to be attracted to my future spouse to an extent?

As far as I am concerned yes I will give a chance to anyone my folks suggest to me. But if I see something that I don't like, then I reserve the right to say no and back out just like a girl who has the same right

Never did i say that you should let your family decide your future. The decision is entirely yours and the only reason you are in this position is because in actuality the decision is not being made by you and you are depending on your parents to find you someone. All i said was:
1) If you really think that your family is as unsympathetic to your cause as you make them out to be then take charge of your life and make your own decisions.
2) If you can't do the above then make peace with the fact that you are dependent on others to make decisions for you and be realistic about their suggestions.
3) Don't base your decisions on perceptions. And this goes beyond this particular girl. I understand that there is no attraction in this case and that is perfectly fine and enough reason for you to say no. The only thing i am suggesting is to not form an opinion about someone without at least having a brief chat with them (although even that is not enough at times).
4) Be realistic about what you want, keeping in view your circumstances, your family, and your plans and aspirations. You talk about liking bold girls who take the lead and have opinions and ambitions and at the same time you plan to live with your family who have utterly conservative views. I just don't see how that will end well if you succeed in finding someone like that.
Tbh i see too many contradictions, too much immaturity and idealism on your part and too much rigidity on the part of your family. I know some of what i have said sounds harsh but I am trying to give you unvarnished advice based on my own experience. I really do wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for and more.

 

[Pakpak]

Never did i say that you should let your family decide your future. The decision is entirely yours and the only reason you are in this position is because in actuality the decision is not being made by you and you are depending on your parents to find you someone. All i said was:
1) If you really think that your family is as unsympathetic to your cause as you make them out to be then take charge of your life and make your own decisions.
2) If you can't do the above then make peace with the fact that you are dependent on others to make decisions for you and be realistic about their suggestions.
3) Don't base your decisions on perceptions. And this goes beyond this particular girl. I understand that there is no attraction in this case and that is perfectly fine and enough reason for you to say no. The only thing i am suggesting is to not form an opinion about someone without at least having a brief chat with them (although even that is not enough at times).
4) Be realistic about what you want, keeping in view your circumstances, your family, and your plans and aspirations. You talk about liking bold girls who take the lead and have opinions and ambitions and at the same time you plan to live with your family who have utterly conservative views. I just don't see how that will end well if you succeed in finding someone like that.
Tbh i see too many contradictions, too much immaturity and idealism on your part and too much rigidity on the part of your family. I know some of what i have said sounds harsh but I am trying to give you unvarnished advice based on my own experience. I really do wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for and more.

The OP has no interest in listening to genuine advice. And while I feel for him it's no point. Tho props to you lot for writing such long posts

 

[Cryin Out Loud]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION], man I'm only partly jesting. I've been reading all your angst ridden posts on your marriage/ no marriage/ should I/ shouldn't I/ whom etc. I think you could write and sell your story for TV - would make a very decent soap if pitched right. Pakistani American boy and his struggles finding a wife. Comedy, pathos whatnot.

An ill mother, a successful father, Pakistani roots, family politics, cunning Pakistani uncles and aunties, you with your challenges....man this thing practically writes itself.

 

[mgtow]

Guys like girls who can lead and show confidence as well, a girl who is totally dependent on her guy is a put off for most men, in todays world, men cannot baby sit their wives 24/7 either. If girls can have the same gripe with guys in terms of not being their mothers, so do guys. I find it funny how in our society all the elders comments "Larkee ghar ke andar rizq, ronnaq, kushi le kar aayee gee" and then in reality the guy has to have each and every single thing in his life sorted and the girl has to do nothing. Feminists will say it is okay for the girl to be depressed, not fully confident and secure and the guy should show love, understanding but no girl should have to put up with a guy with these problems.

What you just said is only good in fantasy. That is why you are still the boy who is having hard time adjusting to the reality. I repeat; no girl would fall for gimmick stuff nor fantasy. If girls do, they do it with boyfriends. But with marriage, that is where they draw the line.

I suggest you wake up and be the man that can aspire the confidence in women. It is men that need to convince that women can trust them in terms of physically, emotionally and financially. They are leaving their homes for the new worlds. So they are pretty calculative and realistic. It is wonder why rich responsible men can snare women right from within the grasp of the young men. Because being powerful financial men are somehow appeal to women - not just money but it has its own appeal to it.

For every women out there, 35 years old-man acting youngist is quiet put off. You need to straighten yourself out. Otherwise you are gonna die alone.

 

[Savak]

What you just said is only good in fantasy. That is why you are still the boy who is having hard time adjusting to the reality. I repeat; no girl would fall for gimmick stuff nor fantasy. If girls do, they do it with boyfriends. But with marriage, that is where they draw the line.

I suggest you wake up and be the man that can aspire the confidence in women. It is men that need to convince that women can trust them in terms of physically, emotionally and financially. They are leaving their homes for the new worlds. So they are pretty calculative and realistic. It is wonder why rich responsible men can snare women right from within the grasp of the young men. Because being powerful financial men are somehow appeal to women - not just money but it has its own appeal to it.

For every women out there, 35 years old-man acting youngist is quiet put off. You need to straighten yourself out. Otherwise you are gonna die alone.

We all have to die one day. It is a reality. I would rather die a happy man than live a miserable life where I was forced to compromise. I will get the chick I feel happy with and will bump this thread.

 

[Savak]

The OP has no interest in listening to genuine advice. And while I feel for him it's no point. Tho props to you lot for writing such long posts

This is where I exercise my independence. I make note of all good tips, suggestions, feedback and insights while ignoring things that don't appeal to me. It is what everyone does

 

[Savak]

Never did i say that you should let your family decide your future. The decision is entirely yours and the only reason you are in this position is because in actuality the decision is not being made by you and you are depending on your parents to find you someone. All i said was:
1) If you really think that your family is as unsympathetic to your cause as you make them out to be then take charge of your life and make your own decisions.
2) If you can't do the above then make peace with the fact that you are dependent on others to make decisions for you and be realistic about their suggestions.
3) Don't base your decisions on perceptions. And this goes beyond this particular girl. I understand that there is no attraction in this case and that is perfectly fine and enough reason for you to say no. The only thing i am suggesting is to not form an opinion about someone without at least having a brief chat with them (although even that is not enough at times).
4) Be realistic about what you want, keeping in view your circumstances, your family, and your plans and aspirations. You talk about liking bold girls who take the lead and have opinions and ambitions and at the same time you plan to live with your family who have utterly conservative views. I just don't see how that will end well if you succeed in finding someone like that.
Tbh i see too many contradictions, too much immaturity and idealism on your part and too much rigidity on the part of your family. I know some of what i have said sounds harsh but I am trying to give you unvarnished advice based on my own experience. I really do wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for and more.

As far as 1 is concerned. I have taken charge in terms of saying no when I have felt about it. As far as 2 is concerned I have been flexible with their input and have drawn the line when I have disagreed with them.

As far as 3 is concerned, I could talk to the girl but I don't think my opinion will change much tbh, my biggest fear is if I do talk to her and then say no, it's going to cause a lot of embarrassment and controversy in the family.

As far as 4 is concerned. That is the toughest one to be honest in terms of where do you draw the line between what works for you and what everyone else wants you to do. Our family is filled with opinionated, ambitious women, social women are mixed.

Anyways I am a firm believer it happens when you least expect it.

 

[Savak]

Mom has finally conceded that even she feels that the girls silent, aloof, timid and scared nature is a put off and is a huge sign of concern. In fact she went on to add that she feels even more comfortable that the mother is the most talkative among them but the husband, kids are all very quite and given her experience as a medical doctor, this is actually a sign of depression. Overall she felt that there is a lot more that meets the eye and there is a reason why they have persisted for 6 long years with us.

So the good news is now my parents are finally conceeding to my objections. With my mothers concerns and second thoughts, my dad will naturally fall in line.

The bigger problem will by my grandmother. She is going to through a huge fit and resort to massive emotional blackmailing behind the scenes given that her wishes were not respected and inspite of me being her favorite grandson, i am going to have to brace myself for some really nasty insults and criticism from her now in that once again i have the delusions of acquiring a supermodel and have rejected a shareef, gharelu, quite, pyaari housewife.

 

[Mueez]

Typical buzurg thought. I feel like my parents, aunts, grandmother is talking to me here.

Let me give you an example. They are not gods, they too can make mistakes and ultimately at the end of the day it is the individual in question who will get blamed if things don't work out as according to the rest of the world he didn't stand up for himself when the time was right as is the case with my mamu after he finally divorced his physically and verbally abusive spouse after 18 years of a miserable marriage

Mom wanted me to marry a first cousin from 2015-2017 under the pretext the girls in the family are far superior and have better family values than girls outside the family and atleast we know them very well and according to my dad "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know". My mother was very upset when I said no to her. The rest of the world felt I had screwed up because she was the hottest girl I could have ever had even if she was a first cousin. But I was hesitant because she was a first cousin and of course because I was also infatuated with my bhabis cousin as well. My baby sister who is my closest confidante fluctuated from you should say no to her, you should say yes to her and now she is saying say no to her.

Anyways this first cousin of mine finally came to Canada for a medical internship my father had held to arrange for her for 2 months in the Summer of 2017. She left a very bad impression on every family relative she stayed at, waking up at 12-1 in the afternoon, sleeping at 4-5 in the morning, coming and leaving the house as she pleased, sneaking out at nights to go to clubs and concerts. No girl in our family is given such liberties but lol it came as a shock to her when the relatives imposed a curfew time on her and told her that as long as she was staying in their house she would have to abide by their rules and regulations. She would create a nuisance by talking so loudly on telephone, whatsapp, skype with her friends at night when everyone else was trying to sleep. She bailed out of family dinners at the last minute because she wanted to visit friends and go to concerts. My dad was very upset when she didn't offer to vacate her room for elders when the house was over flowing with guests. I remember when I had to drop her to the airport on her flight home, she was so clumsy with her stuff, packing and luggage, I could tell she smokes, does weed. Later at the airport it was a night mare to wait for her to sort out and redistribute her luggage because she was caught over the limit 5 times. Lol she couldn't even type on the computer screen to check in online and kept making spelling mistakes. I had to ultimately offer to do it for her and it took one minute.

When she left literally everyone couldn't stop bad mouthing her. My sister later told me that this cousin of mine did drugs frequently with her friends and was once even caught drunk in the washroom of McDonald's. I was actually more upset with my sister for not having the courage to tell my parents about these things when they were intensifying the pressure on me to say yes to her. Lol after that experience my parents never ever had the guts to tell me son you were absolutely correct. All they did after that experience was never take her name again but I once intercepted a whatsapp message between my parents where they were like our son was right all along, Allah indeed is the best of planners.

Anyways I have been very flexible with my parents. From 2016 to 2018, I simply told my folks to please get the ball rolling with my bhabis cousin via the arranged marriage route as I knew it was the best approach as me trying to go it alone via social media was going to be a complete long shot especially given that we were in totally different countries

My parents did absolutely nothing but to sit on their assess without any regards to me going from 31 years old to 35 years old. All they did was to just turn to 2-3 options in the family I had turned down multiple times. They didn't even bother to find options outside the family to counter my bhabis cousin. Had they pitched an offer as early as 2016 and if no response was received from the other side, yes I may have sulked and been upset but I would have realistically been in a position to then consider other options. But nope their self respect and izzat was far more important than their sons life.

In the last 4-5 months I have only said no to this current girl in question and said I am open minded to the 4 other options they presented to me outside the family.

End result all the options I said ok to either have mental health problems or history of suicide in their family or are just to academically ambitious and will apparently walk over me.

Then my family and extended relatives make accusations against me that I am the one who made life hell for my parents all these years, I had paralyzed them and now it was my duty to just say yes to the girl they want for me on account of my mom's illness. At the same time my phupa who lectured me to let go of my crush on my bhabis cousin a few months ago under the pretext it is illegal to pursue a girl who is not interested in you has tried desperately to pitch his 36 year old niece who has gone through 3 broken engagements herself to my sick mother and when he did not receive a response from my mother, a few months later my father in my sisters valima knowing full well I am not interested in his niece and I have said no to her multiple times, but why would he give a f about me, my life as long as he gets what he wants.

I even registered on a matrimonial website and found one girl who was interesting to me and my parents completely refused to even meet the family because he felt they were scam artists and from complety impoverished backgrounds and that I was completely and utterly naive to the complications that occur when a girl from a poor impoverished family marries a guy from a decent to do well off family. I had zero answers to the questions "how do you think it will look if your parents who were top notch doctors are sitting with them in a family setting while they on the other hand have people who are truck drivers, taxi drivers, people doing odd jobs? What will you do if her brother in laws turn up at your door step demanding $10k from you. He then proceeded to give me examples within the family where one girl defied her parents and chose to marry a poor guy for love and the guy later on kept on demanding money frequently from his father in law who had no choice but to give it for his daughters sake. I had zero answers to these questions and I had no proof that the girls pics were real and she was refusing to show me her face via a webcam. Later I managed to get the girl to divulge her full name, name of her mom, late father, siblings, addresses and my dad used his contacts and unfortunately no one in their neighbourhood knew anything about the family, their past, history and he felt convinced they were playing me

I had no choice in the end but to tell the family that I am facing opposition in my family. I ended up receiving a barrage of abuse from the girls family for the one month I interacted with them for playing around with them and that they would report me to the police. After that experience I stayed clear of these websites as I couldn't go through this **** again because I can't lead someone on again only to be unable to go through with it at the end.

As far as I am concerned my conscience is clear. I sincerely gave a shot to this recent family, girl and willfully took my mom to their place. My impressions of her did not change and I know full well I would be messing mine and her life up by going along with this facade

What upsets me the most is that nobody in my family even asks me how do I feel deep down about the events of the last 3 years. Are you okay? Do you feel some resentment about how things happened?

As a guy do I not deserve some happiness and to be attracted to my future spouse to an extent?

As far as I am concerned yes I will give a chance to anyone my folks suggest to me. But if I see something that I don't like, then I reserve the right to say no and back out just like a girl who has the same right

Hey Savak,

I might be a bit young to talk about marriages and stuff.

But I feel you bro. Basically your family has effed up your chances to get a good-looking, confident girl.

Sorry to say but I feel like your family is very choosy and they dislike everyone. They do not give chances to anyone and they want you to do what they say.

It is all about their status and “log kya kaheinge”.

What my advice is to you is find a girl which satisfies you and marry her.

Your family members won’t marry the girl. You will. It is your life.

So follow your heart and do what will satisfy you.

Because at the end of the day it is about and your future wife, not about the family members.

 

[mgtow]

We all have to die one day. It is a reality. I would rather die a happy man than live a miserable life where I was forced to compromise. I will get the chick I feel happy with and will bump this thread.

It is not about coercion or compromise. You are not man that most women want. And if this girl finds out, she will have same reaction as most women probably did in regards to your personality.

You are boy - irresponsible one who is stuck in fantasy land that contradicts to the reality we all live in.

This is real world where happy doesn’t exists. After marriage, it all boils down to responsibility and compromise; be it love or arrange marriage. You are not marriage material. The problem is you.

 

[amvbfm]

The OP has no interest in listening to genuine advice. And while I feel for him it's no point. Tho props to you lot for writing such long posts

I haven't been here very long and this was my first experience of interacting with him on the subject and was trying to give genuine advice.

 

[amvbfm]

As far as 1 is concerned. I have taken charge in terms of saying no when I have felt about it. As far as 2 is concerned I have been flexible with their input and have drawn the line when I have disagreed with them.

As far as 3 is concerned, I could talk to the girl but I don't think my opinion will change much tbh, my biggest fear is if I do talk to her and then say no, it's going to cause a lot of embarrassment and controversy in the family.

As far as 4 is concerned. That is the toughest one to be honest in terms of where do you draw the line between what works for you and what everyone else wants you to do. Our family is filled with opinionated, ambitious women, social women are mixed.

Anyways I am a firm believer it happens when you least expect it.

Saying no isn't really taking charge. It means you are still totally dependent on them to find you a girl and obviously they will only look at ones who fulfill their criteria and you will keep rejecting them as you are looking for something else. You are hoping that your parents with their strict zaat paat, khandan, gharailoo filters will find you someone who conforms to your requirements when most such girls won't even entertain the thought of arranged marriage let alone have the chance of being filtered through your family's selection process.

 

[amvbfm]

Mom has finally conceded that even she feels that the girls silent, aloof, timid and scared nature is a put off and is a huge sign of concern. In fact she went on to add that she feels even more comfortable that the mother is the most talkative among them but the husband, kids are all very quite and given her experience as a medical doctor, this is actually a sign of depression. Overall she felt that there is a lot more that meets the eye and there is a reason why they have persisted for 6 long years with us.

So the good news is now my parents are finally conceeding to my objections. With my mothers concerns and second thoughts, my dad will naturally fall in line.

The bigger problem will by my grandmother. She is going to through a huge fit and resort to massive emotional blackmailing behind the scenes given that her wishes were not respected and inspite of me being her favorite grandson, i am going to have to brace myself for some really nasty insults and criticism from her now in that once again i have the delusions of acquiring a supermodel and have rejected a shareef, gharelu, quite, pyaari housewife.

Yeah keep finding faults with everyone without looking at your own. Reject a girl if you don't like her but at least don't concoct ridiculous reasons to make yourself feel better and rationalize your own crappy decision making. I did try to give you sincere advice based on my own (somewhat similar) experiences but I really don't think you are looking for genuine advice. Wish you all the best and hope you succeed in finding whatever you are looking for.

 

[Savak]

It is not about coercion or compromise. You are not man that most women want. And if this girl finds out, she will have same reaction as most women probably did in regards to your personality.

You are boy - irresponsible one who is stuck in fantasy land that contradicts to the reality we all live in.

This is real world where happy doesn’t exists. After marriage, it all boils down to responsibility and compromise; be it love or arrange marriage. You are not marriage material. The problem is you.

This word compromise is such a negative word. Happy indeed exists on this planet. The happiest of marriages that I have seen are the ones where both the partners act completely natural with each other, love each other wholeheartedly and flaunt it to the whole world. These people are responsible people as well and don't have much to compromise on.

 

[Savak]

Yeah keep finding faults with everyone without looking at your own. Reject a girl if you don't like her but at least don't concoct ridiculous reasons to make yourself feel better and rationalize your own crappy decision making. I did try to give you sincere advice based on my own (somewhat similar) experiences but I really don't think you are looking for genuine advice. Wish you all the best and hope you succeed in finding whatever you are looking for.

To be honest your advice has been contradictory and it was to sum it up either make your own decisions and do what you feel like or think about your circumstances, compromise, be realistic and get married to whatever is being suggested to you. I have done the former so what's the problem?

I listen to what makes sense to me by filtering out what I agree and do not agree with

 

[Savak]

Saying no isn't really taking charge. It means you are still totally dependent on them to find you a girl and obviously they will only look at ones who fulfill their criteria and you will keep rejecting them as you are looking for something else. You are hoping that your parents with their strict zaat paat, khandan, gharailoo filters will find you someone who conforms to your requirements when most such girls won't even entertain the thought of arranged marriage let alone have the chance of being filtered through your family's selection process.

A middle ground will be found. Or the one who clicks the boxes will come. They say the moment happens when you least plan it or chase it. The most highly admired bahu that my daadi most admires came into their lives by a fluke where my daadi befriended a neighbour who was in her 80's and she only lived for 2 months but during those 2 months she saw her grand daughter and immediately snapped her up for my Chacha who himself had gone through 5-6 prospects and everyone was concerned over his picky nature and felt he had aged out.

 

[Savak]

Hey Savak,

I might be a bit young to talk about marriages and stuff.

But I feel you bro. Basically your family has effed up your chances to get a good-looking, confident girl.

Sorry to say but I feel like your family is very choosy and they dislike everyone. They do not give chances to anyone and they want you to do what they say.

It is all about their status and “log kya kaheinge”.

What my advice is to you is find a girl which satisfies you and marry her.

Your family members won’t marry the girl. You will. It is your life.

So follow your heart and do what will satisfy you.

Because at the end of the day it is about and your future wife, not about the family members.

I agree. I thought when the time would come it would be easy to get everyone in harmony but that is the biggest misconception. Thank goodness they have dropped their pressure over this girl and have accepted the fact I was not into her. I have told them I will be open to other options if i find them interesting

 

[mgtow]

This word compromise is such a negative word. Happy indeed exists on this planet. The happiest of marriages that I have seen are the ones where both the partners act completely natural with each other, love each other wholeheartedly and flaunt it to the whole world. These people are responsible people as well and don't have much to compromise on.

Since you aren’t married, clearly you have no idea how marriage works and what it takes to manage the marriage. Those dovey couple may look happy but it also comes with nagging, pressure, yelling, and hatred on the bad days. Happy is just show off that couple play to ensure to keep image intact. Inside the home, it is not all rosy.

All the marriages have issues and none are without responsibility and compromise.

Again, you are boy who are yet to grow up using Bollywood as source to paint happy life. There is saying that happy wife; happy life. That is trend and I doubt you will have to capacity to be patient, tolerant and kind hearted. In short, you are not married material. Stop waiting your time and her.

 

[Mueez]

I agree. I thought when the time would come it would be easy to get everyone in harmony but that is the biggest misconception. Thank goodness they have dropped their pressure over this girl and have accepted the fact I was not into her. I have told them I will be open to other options if i find them interesting

That’s a good way to break the ice.

You don’t worry. InshaAllah you will find your truly deserving wife.

You will get what Allah has written in your destiny.

After all He is the best planner of all.

 

[Pakpak]

This word compromise is such a negative word. Happy indeed exists on this planet. The happiest of marriages that I have seen are the ones where both the partners act completely natural with each other, love each other wholeheartedly and flaunt it to the whole world. These people are responsible people as well and don't have much to compromise on.

This...this is not how marriages work. EVERY marriage needs compromises! I had a love marriage, my friend an arranged and other friends love marriages too, we all have to compromise, sacrifice for everything to work. The sh1t and sacrifices and compromises me and my wife have had to deal with regards to our jobs, work, careers.... had we thought like you nothing would have worked. Living with someone in the same room, same house alone takes getting used to.

I don't know what marriage or Bollywood films you have an impression off but please come into the real world! I am honestly saying this to you as a goodwill gesture.

 

[Pakpak]

Since you aren’t married, clearly you have no idea how marriage works and what it takes to manage the marriage. Those dovey couple may look happy but it also comes with nagging, pressure, yelling, and hatred on the bad days. Happy is just show off that couple play to ensure to keep image intact. Inside the home, it is not all rosy.

All the marriages have issues and none are without responsibility and compromise.

Again, you are boy who are yet to grow up using Bollywood as source to paint happy life. There is saying that happy wife; happy life. That is trend and I doubt you will have to capacity to be patient, tolerant and kind hearted. In short, you are not married material. Stop waiting your time and her.

Said it ten times better than me.

 

[Savak]

Since you aren’t married, clearly you have no idea how marriage works and what it takes to manage the marriage. Those dovey couple may look happy but it also comes with nagging, pressure, yelling, and hatred on the bad days. Happy is just show off that couple play to ensure to keep image intact. Inside the home, it is not all rosy.

All the marriages have issues and none are without responsibility and compromise.

Again, you are boy who are yet to grow up using Bollywood as source to paint happy life. There is saying that happy wife; happy life. That is trend and I doubt you will have to capacity to be patient, tolerant and kind hearted. In short, you are not married material. Stop waiting your time and her.

You do not have to be married to understand what married life is about only. Continously interaction with a lot of your married friends, relatives, colleagues, acquaintances can teach you a lot. Non stop observation can go a long way towards preparing you and making you realize what to do and what not to do when you finally are hitched as well.

Yes marriage requires responsibility but happy marriages do not necessarily require 24/7 compromises because how can it last if all you are doing is compromising and suppressing your natural instincts.

I am actually regarded as the most emotional, sweet, kind, sensitive child amongst my siblings

 

[Savak]

This...this is not how marriages work. EVERY marriage needs compromises! I had a love marriage, my friend an arranged and other friends love marriages too, we all have to compromise, sacrifice for everything to work. The sh1t and sacrifices and compromises me and my wife have had to deal with regards to our jobs, work, careers.... had we thought like you nothing would have worked. Living with someone in the same room, same house alone takes getting used to.

I don't know what marriage or Bollywood films you have an impression off but please come into the real world! I am honestly saying this to you as a goodwill gesture.

I can give the example of my phuppa. He orders my phuppo around and she only does what he says. He doesn't even let her spend on groceries without his approval. Sure she has put up with it for their entire marriage but what the hell has he had to compromise and sacrifice on in comparison to her?

Everyone in the family pities her and keeps mentioning on the side that had it not been for our screwed up culture of suppressing women, discouraging them to end marriages and being forced to accept certain things for the sake of their kids, she would have left him a long time ago. For me this isn't a very loving marriage and is strictly a one sided compromise

 

[Pakpak]

I can give the example of my phuppa. He orders my phuppo around and she only does what he says. He doesn't even let her spend on groceries without his approval. Sure she has put up with it for their entire marriage but what the hell has he had to compromise and sacrifice on in comparison to her?

Everyone in the family pities her and keeps mentioning on the side that had it not been for our screwed up culture of suppressing women, discouraging them to end marriages and being forced to accept certain things for the sake of their kids, she would have left him a long time ago. For me this isn't a very loving marriage and is strictly a one sided compromise

What relevance does this have to any of what me or the other poster said? You might have as well said oh I know a marriage where a husband beats his wife.

Like I said, carry on. It's apparent why you're still single. One day you'll notice the obvious reasons as well. Till then good luck.

 

[Savak]

What relevance does this have to any of what me or the other poster said? You might have as well said oh I know a marriage where a husband beats his wife.

Like I said, carry on. It's apparent why you're still single. One day you'll notice the obvious reasons as well. Till then good luck.

I actually should have clarified, my apologies i woke up and was groggy when i wrote that post. We have to define compromise and a happy marriage. Would you consider a marriage successful if one spouse was doing all the compromising and the fact they are still married for their kids to be a successfull marriage even if you can observe signs of resentment and dissatisfaction?

For me it isn't a successful or happy marriage but many other people in our society who believe that once you have kids then you just suck it up for their sake and this is how it is.

For me a happy marriage should not involve this ** and compromise. Compromising on habits like movies, music tastes, eating preferences, leisure time is one thing but things like verbal, physical abuse is not on.

 

[Pakpak]

I actually should have clarified, my apologies i woke up and was groggy when i wrote that post. We have to define compromise and a happy marriage. Would you consider a marriage successful if one spouse was doing all the compromising and the fact they are still married for their kids to be a successfull marriage even if you can observe signs of resentment and dissatisfaction?

For me it isn't a successful or happy marriage but many other people in our society who believe that once you have kids then you just suck it up for their sake and this is how it is.

For me a happy marriage should not involve this ** and compromise. Compromising on habits like movies, music tastes, eating preferences, leisure time is one thing but things like verbal, physical abuse is not on.

Let me explain what compromise is. An example is career. Where my wife for instance if it was any other woman would have chosen someone else when she knew I'd struggle massively due to my career issues years ago but stuck by me when we literally had no money. No money for us to see her family for years. No money for her to do her licensing exams and at times had to live apart from me due to my career issues with travelling. The sh1t we went through, no normal girl would have agreed with a rishta to me in that position. But she stuck it out. That's compromise. And sacrifice. And it's repaid today ten fold when we live our life in comfort and no stress about money or anything and it's made our marriage stronger in ways beyond words.

That's called compromise. And sacrifice. And I will forever respect her for that. But you'd not known that. You'd seen us and thought your Bollywood example of us flaunting our love and without knowing the personal struggle we went through everyday. You don't know anything people go through in their own space. The faces you see in public mean nothing. And this is my example. I can give you countless more people couples had to make sacrifices for their partners and marriages.

Marriage isnt all about all hunky dory stuff. It's about hard grit, struggles and sacrifices. This post isn't picking on you but anyone reading this who's single and thinks 'oh bRuV maRrIaGe hALAL HanKy paNky innit hoW haRD caN it be' .

Ask any married person, heck everyone is saying the same thing as me. I never write any personal stuff here but I wish you well and you need to know you're a bit naive in your thinking. So good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for genuinely.

 

[Savak]

Let me explain what compromise is. An example is career. Where my wife for instance if it was any other woman would have chosen someone else when she knew I'd struggle massively due to my career issues years ago but stuck by me when we literally had no money. No money for us to see her family for years. No money for her to do her licensing exams and at times had to live apart from me due to my career issues with travelling. The sh1t we went through, no normal girl would have agreed with a rishta to me in that position. But she stuck it out. That's compromise. And sacrifice. And it's repaid today ten fold when we live our life in comfort and no stress about money or anything and it's made our marriage stronger in ways beyond words.

That's called compromise. And sacrifice. And I will forever respect her for that. But you'd not known that. You'd seen us and thought your Bollywood example of us flaunting our love and without knowing the personal struggle we went through everyday. You don't know anything people go through in their own space. The faces you see in public mean nothing. And this is my example. I can give you countless more people couples had to make sacrifices for their partners and marriages.

Marriage isnt all about all hunky dory stuff. It's about hard grit, struggles and sacrifices. This post isn't picking on you but anyone reading this who's single and thinks 'oh bRuV maRrIaGe hALAL HanKy paNky innit hoW haRD caN it be' .

Ask any married person, heck everyone is saying the same thing as me. I never write any personal stuff here but I wish you well and you need to know you're a bit naive in your thinking. So good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for genuinely.

I appreciate your response and the hard work, struggles that you and Mrs have gone through and come out better. I have normally seen these things in love marriages in my family and friends.

Every marriage has a different story, some have hard struggles and others not so much where the husband and wives were lucky, fortunate enough to come from families of means where they didn't have to struggle that much or at all.

In fact an unsettled guy has a very hard time in arranged marriages because families do not give their daughters to a guy who can't look after her the same way as they do. These sort of anecdotes are very rare in arranged marriages but my personal observations more common in love.

 

[Savak]

After 4 long years, I finally developed the balls and courage to tell my bhabi about my feelings for her cousin. I am not expecting much but its better to get a no in writing so that I can finally rest in peace that I did everything I could to pursue her and that I have no regrets at all later in life.

She promised to discreetly find out and if possible even try to help my case but I am personally not expecting much. My bhabi wanted to divorce my brother 3 months ago and now we are back again playing happy regular family

 

[Savak]

I thought I would honestly update everyone. Some people who have been criticizing me deeply for my apparent delusions of grandeur, over inflated self worth may get instant gratification

Allah indeed is the best of planners and can get you out of difficult situations at times. So this whole episode with this girl in the family has snowballed into a huge controversy.

So after I went with mom to the girls house to meet the girl, her siblings and the parents. After the meeting I bluntly told my mom that this is a really bad idea and I will be very unhappy with her, she is just not my type and this is going to be a very boring, dry relationship. Lol my mom told me to **** and silenced me.

Then when I got home and my daadi called me to follow up on what happened and when I told her what happened and the fact my original reservations were still in tact and I was just not interested in the girl and I am not interested in proceeding further. She too basically told me to ****, that finding girls of very good character in Canada and the US is very hard and that given my mom's illness, I now owe it to her to get married for the sake of it and deal with it.

However 2 days later. My parents mentioned to me that they agreed with my reservations and that they were no longer interested in proceeding with the family anymore. I was over the moon and delighted naturally

But deep down I had my suspicions and I started questioning that this does not make sense given how much my grand mother wanted this and my parents too being heavily influenced were in favour of this. I had been mentioning the same reservations about the girl in question for 6 long years and even in the car and at home after meeting with the girl and family when I voiced the same objections everyone was telling me to ****. So what happened that got my folks to back off?

So I looked at my mom's phone 2 days later out of curiosity and found that the girls mom had sent my parents a message stating that she and her husband were heavily in favour of the match but the girl in question just does not find herself ready to marry and they tried their best to convince her but to no avail. They wanted to apologize profusely for the episode and hope, pray that this does not affect our relationship going fwd. My parents sent them a complimentary message not to worry and that our best wishes were with them and their daughter

However my grandmother kept calling everyday for updates on what was happening. We tried hard not to answer her phonecalls and initially when we finally broke it to her that we were not proceeding. She erupted and blamed me for being selfish for rejecting the girl and for wanting an out going super model instead of a boring but safe homely girl. We didn't clarify and my grandmother really started talking crap about me to all my other aunts, uncles and when I called her she refused to pick up my calls and receive my calls

Eventually mom got sick and tired of my grandmother character assasinating me with everyone and she ordered my dad to call her up and tell her the actual truth with proof. Dad initially refused under the pretext that he didn't want to further upset his mother and to cause a serious controversy in the family. My mom then laid into him that you have a son too as well and it is your responsibility to safeguard his reputation from malicious rumours and attacks.

Eventually my dad called my grandmother up and informed her the truth about what really transpired. She initially refused to believe it especially given how relentlessly the girls parents were lobbying with her for 6 long years to hook them up with my parents for their daughters match with me. My dad eventually sent my grandmom a screenshot of the messages sent by the girls parents to us under the promise that she will not react emotionally

Sadly my dad was correct in not telling my grandmother the truth because he knew her well deep down and that she was going to feel very insulted, humiliated by this episode. She actually called the girls parents up and gave them a piece of her mind "that you guys were constantly requesting and lobbying with me for six long years to hook you up with my son, daughter in law and my grandson, I went out on a limb to tell them that you guys are a very nice, shareef, good family, I had actually given them my word that you will follow through and agree, if your daughter was having doubts or was not interested, what the hell did you invite them to tea for? Why the hell did you waste my time and energy for all these six years? Did you know my grandson had been interested in another girl, he was not even interested in your daughter, he was even against going to your place to meet you, we had counselled, lectured him and convinced him to speak to you and your daughter at the very least. You guys have made me a laughing stock in my family, as long as I am alive do not bother to ever show me your faces again"

My dad and mom called the girls parents to pacify the whole situation and to limit the damage and apologized to them on behalf of my grandmother.

But this whole thing has become a huge mess. My parents are of course a little jolted because they didn't expect the girl or the family to say no given they were lobbying for 6 long years. They were even more surprised given my grandmoms assurances that this was a done deal. But after this experience my parents have now realized as to why involving family members especially immediate family members is just never a good idea given how sensitive things become in the event of refusals, rejections and they have now thank goodness made a decision that they are never going to discuss my marriage situation ever again with my grand mom, aunts, uncles ever again because it just creates a big mess in the end.

I am just glad that I got out of being forced to marry a girl I wasn't into and can now breathe and relax again. Have been trying to get in touch with my grandmother but she hasn't picked up my phone calls and apparently she is very embarrassed by the whole episode and is lost for words on what to say to me.

I am bewildered by how a rejection, no in the family circles blew up like a grenade. Moral of the story, think ten times before agreeing to marry in the family

 

[Cricket lover 27]

I thought I would honestly update everyone. Some people who have been criticizing me deeply for my apparent delusions of grandeur, over inflated self worth may get instant gratification

Allah indeed is the best of planners and can get you out of difficult situations at times. So this whole episode with this girl in the family has snowballed into a huge controversy.

So after I went with mom to the girls house to meet the girl, her siblings and the parents. After the meeting I bluntly told my mom that this is a really bad idea and I will be very unhappy with her, she is just not my type and this is going to be a very boring, dry relationship. Lol my mom told me to **** and silenced me.

Then when I got home and my daadi called me to follow up on what happened and when I told her what happened and the fact my original reservations were still in tact and I was just not interested in the girl and I am not interested in proceeding further. She too basically told me to ****, that finding girls of very good character in Canada and the US is very hard and that given my mom's illness, I now owe it to her to get married for the sake of it and deal with it.

However 2 days later. My parents mentioned to me that they agreed with my reservations and that they were no longer interested in proceeding with the family anymore. I was over the moon and delighted naturally

But deep down I had my suspicions and I started questioning that this does not make sense given how much my grand mother wanted this and my parents too being heavily influenced were in favour of this. I had been mentioning the same reservations about the girl in question for 6 long years and even in the car and at home after meeting with the girl and family when I voiced the same objections everyone was telling me to ****. So what happened that got my folks to back off?

So I looked at my mom's phone 2 days later out of curiosity and found that the girls mom had sent my parents a message stating that she and her husband were heavily in favour of the match but the girl in question just does not find herself ready to marry and they tried their best to convince her but to no avail. They wanted to apologize profusely for the episode and hope, pray that this does not affect our relationship going fwd. My parents sent them a complimentary message not to worry and that our best wishes were with them and their daughter

However my grandmother kept calling everyday for updates on what was happening. We tried hard not to answer her phonecalls and initially when we finally broke it to her that we were not proceeding. She erupted and blamed me for being selfish for rejecting the girl and for wanting an out going super model instead of a boring but safe homely girl. We didn't clarify and my grandmother really started talking crap about me to all my other aunts, uncles and when I called her she refused to pick up my calls and receive my calls

Eventually mom got sick and tired of my grandmother character assasinating me with everyone and she ordered my dad to call her up and tell her the actual truth with proof. Dad initially refused under the pretext that he didn't want to further upset his mother and to cause a serious controversy in the family. My mom then laid into him that you have a son too as well and it is your responsibility to safeguard his reputation from malicious rumours and attacks.

Eventually my dad called my grandmother up and informed her the truth about what really transpired. She initially refused to believe it especially given how relentlessly the girls parents were lobbying with her for 6 long years to hook them up with my parents for their daughters match with me. My dad eventually sent my grandmom a screenshot of the messages sent by the girls parents to us under the promise that she will not react emotionally

Sadly my dad was correct in not telling my grandmother the truth because he knew her well deep down and that she was going to feel very insulted, humiliated by this episode. She actually called the girls parents up and gave them a piece of her mind "that you guys were constantly requesting and lobbying with me for six long years to hook you up with my son, daughter in law and my grandson, I went out on a limb to tell them that you guys are a very nice, shareef, good family, I had actually given them my word that you will follow through and agree, if your daughter was having doubts or was not interested, what the hell did you invite them to tea for? Why the hell did you waste my time and energy for all these six years? Did you know my grandson had been interested in another girl, he was not even interested in your daughter, he was even against going to your place to meet you, we had counselled, lectured him and convinced him to speak to you and your daughter at the very least. You guys have made me a laughing stock in my family, as long as I am alive do not bother to ever show me your faces again"

My dad and mom called the girls parents to pacify the whole situation and to limit the damage and apologized to them on behalf of my grandmother.

But this whole thing has become a huge mess. My parents are of course a little jolted because they didn't expect the girl or the family to say no given they were lobbying for 6 long years. They were even more surprised given my grandmoms assurances that this was a done deal. But after this experience my parents have now realized as to why involving family members especially immediate family members is just never a good idea given how sensitive things become in the event of refusals, rejections and they have now thank goodness made a decision that they are never going to discuss my marriage situation ever again with my grand mom, aunts, uncles ever again because it just creates a big mess in the end.

I am just glad that I got out of being forced to marry a girl I wasn't into and can now breathe and relax again. Have been trying to get in touch with my grandmother but she hasn't picked up my phone calls and apparently she is very embarrassed by the whole episode and is lost for words on what to say to me.

I am bewildered by how a rejection, no in the family circles blew up like a grenade. Moral of the story, think ten times before agreeing to marry in the family

Don’t mean to be harsh but I am so glad that girl refused to marry you. Your unrealistic and shallow expectations and sorry to say backward thinking is enough for any self respecting girl to refuse to marry you.

Your constant referring to girls as catch is downright insulting as well. For a guy who claims to be highly educated you sure have a regressive mindset and you think that parents are aligning for their girls to marry you. Glad your this fantasy shattered.

For parents who were after you for 6 years they sure took less than a minute to reject you when their daughter met you. I am sure they also got to know your mentality.

It’s time to introspect and see where the fault lies.

 

[Savak]

Don’t mean to be harsh but I am so glad that girl refused to marry you. Your unrealistic and shallow expectations and sorry to say backward thinking is enough for any self respecting girl to refuse to marry you.

Your constant referring to girls as catch is downright insulting as well. For a guy who claims to be highly educated you sure have a regressive mindset and you think that parents are aligning for their girls to marry you. Glad your this fantasy shattered.

For parents who were after you for 6 years they sure took less than a minute to reject you when their daughter met you. I am sure they also got to know your mentality.

It’s time to introspect and see where the fault lies.

You don't know what you are talking about and neither do you know what transpired that day when I met them. I spoke to her parents, siblings but the girl just didn't want to be there.

Highly educated does not mean you agree to marry someone you are not into. No need for much introspection, I was not interested in this girl and I am glad she did me a favour by rejecting me and giving me an exit from the situation

On to better options now.

 

[Savak]

A few shallow family members who were criticizing me and literally forcing me to give the girl a chance are now making fun of me for being rejected and laughing at the episode. Personally speaking I could care less as I was never interested in the girl and I got the outcome I wanted in a better way than I ever anticipated. I don't really care that much about how rejected who first.

My parents especially my mom is most offended and has sworn to god to never once again ever involve my grandmother and immediate family members again.