Is it advisable to agree to marry whom your parents, elders approve of but you're not interested in?

[UP]

Seems like your whole khandaan took inspiration from Kardashians over the years. What the heck has your grandmother or other relatives have to do with your marriage? Why do they get involved dictating what you should do? Why do you let outsiders make your decisions? The desi culture gets toxic if you let people walk over you.

You are 35 and if you can’t stand up for yourself right now than God knows when you will. Give everyone a peace of mind that they can bug off but my man, why have you let people walk over you over the years?

I found love randomly by total luck and chance 4 years ago. We clicked and took off but things fell apart between two families in later stages for very petty things and jealousy. I fought for her with everyone who came in my way and did not let anyone walk over me including my dad. I gave a shut up call to whoever interfered that I have made up my mind and nobody can tell me otherwise. You have to be blunt and straightforward or you will get killed by desi culture. Sadly, I didn’t get her in the end. I tried my best but I guess it was not meant to be. I went through very tough times for few years. The good thing is I have recovered well and I promised myself not to think about her. Time is the best healer.

 

[Savak]

Seems like your whole khandaan took inspiration from Kardashians over the years. What the heck has your grandmother or other relatives have to do with your marriage? Why do they get involved dictating what you should do? Why do you let outsiders make your decisions? The desi culture gets toxic if you let people walk over you.

You are 35 and if you can’t stand up for yourself right now than God knows when you will. Give everyone a peace of mind that they can bug off but my man, why have you let people walk over you over the years?

I found love randomly by total luck and chance 4 years ago. We clicked and took off but things fell apart between two families in later stages for very petty things and jealousy. I fought for her with everyone who came in my way and did not let anyone walk over me including my dad. I gave a shut up call to whoever interfered that I have made up my mind and nobody can tell me otherwise. You have to be blunt and straightforward or you will get killed by desi culture. Sadly, I didn’t get her in the end. I tried my best but I guess it was not meant to be. I went through very tough times for few years. The good thing is I have recovered well and I promised myself not to think about her. Time is the best healer.

Kuddos to you for your struggle and thanks for sharing and hope you recover well. My problem was that I did not have the girl I liked on my side, hard to fight effectively with family beyond a certain point in that scenario

 

[Shazzam]

A lot of people have been criticizing Savak in this whole thread. The dude has not even said anything that vile. All he wants is a girl he will be happy with. He has the right to refuse any girl he does not like. Nobody should ever be forced into marriage with someone they feel they won’t be compatible with. After all it is there life, there choice. I am happy for Savak. I hope one day he finds the girl he seeks. This whole family pressure thing in the subcontinent needs to go. A marriage out of pity is no marriage.

 

[reversehook]

Netflix, you got a heck of series here...

 

[Savak]

A lot of people have been criticizing Savak in this whole thread. The dude has not even said anything that vile. All he wants is a girl he will be happy with. He has the right to refuse any girl he does not like. Nobody should ever be forced into marriage with someone they feel they won’t be compatible with. After all it is there life, there choice. I am happy for Savak. I hope one day he finds the girl he seeks. This whole family pressure thing in the subcontinent needs to go. A marriage out of pity is no marriage.

Its a sad state of mind in the educated, middle class and upper middle class and even elite crowd. Guy gets criticized by the world for turning down a girl but a girl gets kuddos and thumbs up for turning down a guy.

 

[Mueez]

Its a sad state of mind in the educated, middle class and upper middle class and even elite crowd. Guy gets criticized by the world for turning down a girl but a girl gets kuddos and thumbs up for turning down a guy.

Bro sometimes I think feminism has done more harm than good...

Poor you can’t even choose the one who you want to marry.

Family system in Pakistan kills yaar.

 

[Shazzam]

Its a sad state of mind in the educated, middle class and upper middle class and even elite crowd. Guy gets criticized by the world for turning down a girl but a girl gets kuddos and thumbs up for turning down a guy.

I bet you if any of these people were in your shoes they would do the same thing. In the past you had times where a guy and girl did not see each other, They ended up getting married cause the family said so. Back than those people hardly got any exposure to the opposite sex as they do now. So that stuff does not work now. I can’t even remind you how many times I have herd stories of parents forcing there children into marriage. Once they got married the child never had the same respect for there parents again. This is not something you force out of people. They have a choice.

 

[Savak]

Bro sometimes I think feminism has done more harm than good...

Poor you can’t even choose the one who you want to marry.

Family system in Pakistan kills yaar.

Sure girls may be oppressed in the lower socio economic backgrounds, lower middle class backgrounds where men exercise chauvinistic tenancies and girls mostly do as they are ordered too.

But not in the educated middle class, upper middle class and elite crowd. Girls in these circles have loads of choices and get full freedom to decide their lives.

In fact the guy in some cases are pressurized by their parents, elders and extended relatives into marrying someone they are not into.

 

[shaz619]

This is the problem. I know there is no one perfect out there. Heck i am not perfect by any stretch. Its just my wretched luck, my friends who went through love marriages would tell me i was lucky not to be going through it and that arranged marriages were better, i beg to differ, love marriages are much simpler and in fact most arranged marriages now are love-arranged marriages.

How can you build a connection with a girl who doesn't talk at all, has an expressionless demeanour, poor body language, to be honest i dont want to sound harsh but i can now understand why the girls parents have been targetting me for the last 6 years, no one wants to a girl who isn't spectacular looking, who doesn't talk, even a guy wants some semblance off how will i look with this girl in public.

I had already told my parents that i am willing to consider and be open minded about X, Y, Z option but all i get is stuff like X has mental health issues, she is very emotional and depressed, Y has a history of suicide and scizhophrenia in her family, Y is very aggressive, she is going to eat you alive and will prefer not to live abroad. Then my grand mother tries to argue with me when i told her that i tried my best to be open minded about the girl, i am just not feeling it sorry and then my grand mother tries to emotionally blackmail me that your mother is very sick, give her some happiness, bring someone home (as if a shy, reserved, expressionless girl is the way to go) and then goes like it is very hard to find a Pakistani girl in Canada or the US with very good character.

Love marriages are not always the be and end all mate - your friends are right because not everything is always like what you imagine it to be.

Regarding the girl who is shy, so was Adrian; haven't you seen Rocky ? eventually am sure such individuals would open up the more they become compatible with you, introverts are a bit different to extroverted energy. With the looks, yes there has to be a bit of attraction although that is a superficial comment but unfortunately everyone has to accept that a part of us is wired that way even when we try our best not to be; don't worry from the POV of public but from the POV of yourself and what you'd be attracted to which could be looks, personality or a combo of both.

I don't know what the situation is like in Pak in terms of what the women are like there tbh although the stereotype seems to be that they are more cultured and family oriented, you will find some decent ones in the West but here they are also a bit more crazy / demanding. Regardless whether from asia or the west just look for qualities which are going to be more influential in the long run when it comes to sustaining a marriage; but it is easier said then done I suppose.

Suppose continue your search and put ones integrity / character as the driving criteria if you meet someone from your fam's side or if you're looking yourself, have you tried muzmatch the app ? friends have found some success on there although here in the UK where dependent on region there are so many fish in the sea, even Jamaican muslims!

 

[Mueez]

Sure girls may be oppressed in the lower socio economic backgrounds, lower middle class backgrounds where men exercise chauvinistic tenancies and girls mostly do as they are ordered too.

But not in the educated middle class, upper middle class and elite crowd. Girls in these circles have loads of choices and get full freedom to decide their lives.

In fact the guy in some cases are pressurized by their parents, elders and extended relatives into marrying someone they are not into.

Yeah I’ve heard and seen many cases like what you’ve said about guys being pressurized by their parents, elders and extended relatives.

And guess what they marry the girl but they end up divorcing the girl or they themselves get psycho and lose all of their confidence...

Poor lads really.

You are a strong guy Savak. You will have to fight till the end.

 

[Gabbar Singh]

After 4 long years, I finally developed the balls and courage to tell my bhabi about my feelings for her cousin. I am not expecting much but its better to get a no in writing so that I can finally rest in peace that I did everything I could to pursue her and that I have no regrets at all later in life.

She promised to discreetly find out and if possible even try to help my case but I am personally not expecting much. My bhabi wanted to divorce my brother 3 months ago and now we are back again playing happy regular family

So what did the cousin say Savak?

 

[Savak]

So what did the cousin say Savak?

Never followed up. Have been to tied up dealing with my mom's declining neurological condition, my baby sisters really tough first month of married life, my debilitating back pain and my own CPA final exam in a weeks time.

In any case I have now lost patience with these girls with feminist, show biz attitudes who exploit their good looks to the max. It's time to explore other options now.

 

[UP]

What happened to your sister’s first month of marriage?

 

[jagatk]

Never followed up. Have been to tied up dealing with my mom's declining neurological condition, my baby sisters really tough first month of married life, my debilitating back pain and my own CPA final exam in a weeks time.

In any case I have now lost patience with these girls with feminist, show biz attitudes who exploit their good looks to the max. It's time to explore other options now.

I hope your mother's condition improves soon. You say you like girls with a bit of confidence in themselves but anyone who makes a decision of not liking you the second they see you clearly has some sort of a problem being a feminist being one of them, and it isn't a gaali dude, there isn't anything wrong with being one. You took 4 years to approach the girl and didn't even do it directly, may be she's moved on or likes someone else or is just thinking through her decision here, you can't complain about a girl taking few months when you took your own sweet time buddy.

 

[Savak]

I hope your mother's condition improves soon. You say you like girls with a bit of confidence in themselves but anyone who makes a decision of not liking you the second they see you clearly has some sort of a problem being a feminist being one of them, and it isn't a gaali dude, there isn't anything wrong with being one. You took 4 years to approach the girl and didn't even do it directly, may be she's moved on or likes someone else or is just thinking through her decision here, you can't complain about a girl taking few months when you took your own sweet time buddy.

Actually I am fine with girls not reciprocating. No one is bound to anyone before marriage. What I strongly despise is hypocrisy and a mismatch between what one constantly talks about, preaches and what they actually do.

I get miffed with these femi nazis because I know tones, gazzilions of examples ie my own and others where women have been absolutely horrible to extremely shareef guys who have no real outlet to turn too apart from being told that this is how the world is, suck it up and accept it

 

[Savak]

What happened to your sister’s first month of marriage?

It's been very very scary viewing and observation. The guy is a very charming social and high achieving Pakistani American doctor and given my baby sister to was a Pakistani doctor and very social as well, my parents felt it was a great match.

They had the opportunity to get to know each other for a year and a half and would speak to each other daily.

But one month into married life has really exposed a lot of things. He constantly criticizes her non stop for not being as efficient as per his expectations in doing housework. He criticizes her a lot on spending and is constantly telling her she is irresponsible, careless and immature.

My baby sister has perhaps been the most loved child, sibling in the house but obviously life at one's susral is going to be very different.

She doesn't tell me much and I don't probe too much and she gets upset if I start intruding. But she messages mom daily and then lol mom tells me everything, asking me for my opinion and requests me to speak to my sister and counsel her. Funny thing is that my mom hides 70-80% of things regarding my sisters marriage from my dad because she knows he doesn't have the ability to deal with stress outside his work like she does.

Mom counsel's my sister daily telling her that in order for most marriages to succeed, it is ultimately the wife who has to make the most compromises. She lifts her spirits up and constantly tells her to be loving, supportive towards her husband, his parents, siblings, make sure he is always fed and to ignore minor petty things.

My baby sister isn't perfect but I know she is trying her hardest to be a good wife. She wakes up at 6 in the morning to help around the house, to prepare breakfast for her hubby and prepare lunch for him for work, to help his parents with housework, taking care of his laundry and ironing his clothes, and also taking his mother for chemotherapy while everyone else is busy.

My sister is very sensitive and emotional and can take things to heart. Given my personal observation of the family, I get the impression they feel they are superior to us because of the fact they were born and raised in the US.

She came for a week and just left yesterday. Last night she just broke down while sleeping next to mom and apparently her husband again lashed out at her for her spending habits. My sister was crying profusely with mom that she was sick and tired of being constantly criticized by him non stop 24/7 and that it takes a huge toll on her to make the bulk of the effort and for him to not be considerate. In her emotional outburst, she was like he just married me for my beauty and face and he didn't really care or give a damn whether she was the right fit for him.

I keep my personal opinions to myself and want my sister to have a happy married life and siblings should stay out of each other's married lives. But I have to admit I too am now running out of patience with the guy as well given the anecdotes I keep hearing. From this experience I now understand why the girls parents strongly insist that a guy has to be financially secure because practically speaking if he is not, it can create huge problems early on in the marriage

 

[JaDed]

It's been very very scary viewing and observation. The guy is a very charming social and high achieving Pakistani American doctor and given my baby sister to was a Pakistani doctor and very social as well, my parents felt it was a great match.

They had the opportunity to get to know each other for a year and a half and would speak to each other daily.

But one month into married life has really exposed a lot of things. He constantly criticizes her non stop for not being as efficient as per his expectations in doing housework. He criticizes her a lot on spending and is constantly telling her she is irresponsible, careless and immature.

My baby sister has perhaps been the most loved child, sibling in the house but obviously life at one's susral is going to be very different.

She doesn't tell me much and I don't probe too much and she gets upset if I start intruding. But she messages mom daily and then lol mom tells me everything, asking me for my opinion and requests me to speak to my sister and counsel her. Funny thing is that my mom hides 70-80% of things regarding my sisters marriage from my dad because she knows he doesn't have the ability to deal with stress outside his work like she does.

Mom counsel's my sister daily telling her that in order for most marriages to succeed, it is ultimately the wife who has to make the most compromises. She lifts her spirits up and constantly tells her to be loving, supportive towards her husband, his parents, siblings, make sure he is always fed and to ignore minor petty things.

My baby sister isn't perfect but I know she is trying her hardest to be a good wife. She wakes up at 6 in the morning to help around the house, to prepare breakfast for her hubby and prepare lunch for him for work, to help his parents with housework, taking care of his laundry and ironing his clothes, and also taking his mother for chemotherapy while everyone else is busy.

My sister is very sensitive and emotional and can take things to heart. Given my personal observation of the family, I get the impression they feel they are superior to us because of the fact they were born and raised in the US.

She came for a week and just left yesterday. Last night she just broke down while sleeping next to mom and apparently her husband again lashed out at her for her spending habits. My sister was crying profusely with mom that she was sick and tired of being constantly criticized by him non stop 24/7 and that it takes a huge toll on her to make the bulk of the effort and for him to not be considerate. In her emotional outburst, she was like he just married me for my beauty and face and he didn't really care or give a damn whether she was the right fit for him.

I keep my personal opinions to myself and want my sister to have a happy married life and siblings should stay out of each other's married lives. But I have to admit I too am now running out of patience with the guy as well given the anecdotes I keep hearing. From this experience I now understand why the girls parents strongly insist that a guy has to be financially secure because practically speaking if he is not, it can create huge problems early on in the marriage

Can you share the reason for your sister not working?

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

It's been very very scary viewing and observation. The guy is a very charming social and high achieving Pakistani American doctor and given my baby sister to was a Pakistani doctor and very social as well, my parents felt it was a great match.

They had the opportunity to get to know each other for a year and a half and would speak to each other daily.

But one month into married life has really exposed a lot of things. He constantly criticizes her non stop for not being as efficient as per his expectations in doing housework. He criticizes her a lot on spending and is constantly telling her she is irresponsible, careless and immature.

My baby sister has perhaps been the most loved child, sibling in the house but obviously life at one's susral is going to be very different.

She doesn't tell me much and I don't probe too much and she gets upset if I start intruding. But she messages mom daily and then lol mom tells me everything, asking me for my opinion and requests me to speak to my sister and counsel her. Funny thing is that my mom hides 70-80% of things regarding my sisters marriage from my dad because she knows he doesn't have the ability to deal with stress outside his work like she does.

Mom counsel's my sister daily telling her that in order for most marriages to succeed, it is ultimately the wife who has to make the most compromises. She lifts her spirits up and constantly tells her to be loving, supportive towards her husband, his parents, siblings, make sure he is always fed and to ignore minor petty things.

My baby sister isn't perfect but I know she is trying her hardest to be a good wife. She wakes up at 6 in the morning to help around the house, to prepare breakfast for her hubby and prepare lunch for him for work, to help his parents with housework, taking care of his laundry and ironing his clothes, and also taking his mother for chemotherapy while everyone else is busy.

My sister is very sensitive and emotional and can take things to heart. Given my personal observation of the family, I get the impression they feel they are superior to us because of the fact they were born and raised in the US.

She came for a week and just left yesterday. Last night she just broke down while sleeping next to mom and apparently her husband again lashed out at her for her spending habits. My sister was crying profusely with mom that she was sick and tired of being constantly criticized by him non stop 24/7 and that it takes a huge toll on her to make the bulk of the effort and for him to not be considerate. In her emotional outburst, she was like he just married me for my beauty and face and he didn't really care or give a damn whether she was the right fit for him.

I keep my personal opinions to myself and want my sister to have a happy married life and siblings should stay out of each other's married lives. But I have to admit I too am now running out of patience with the guy as well given the anecdotes I keep hearing. From this experience I now understand why the girls parents strongly insist that a guy has to be financially secure because practically speaking if he is not, it can create huge problems early on in the marriage

Doctors in the US i know are all pretty well off and have a maid come in do to normal house chores. Even pharmacists are raking it in . What kind of doc is your BIL that's so worried about these little things .

 

[Savak]

Can you share the reason for your sister not working?

She is a doctor from Pakistan. She has to now study and prepare for her USMLE's so that she can be eligible to apply for residency

 

[Savak]

Doctors in the US i know are all pretty well off and have a maid come in do to normal house chores. Even pharmacists are raking it in . What kind of doc is your BIL that's so worried about these little things .

Apparently being a doctor in the US is not that easy anymore. He was grumbling a few months ago when I spoke to him a few months ago that medical students have to study up to the age of 30-32 and then start applying for your fellowships, then your first job. He is an interventionist cardiologist and he has apparently done a double specialization so that he can be competitive. He was bitter that doctors spend close to $500,000 in education and then start out at $58,000 plus after all the schooling, residency, fellowships which involve long hours, working 7 days a week.

He has a maid which comes in once a month to clean the house. He also has a chemotherapy other who is suffering from terminal breast cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy right now.

 

[JaDed]

She is a doctor from Pakistan. She has to now study and prepare for her USMLE's so that she can be eligible to apply for residency

USMLE is one of the toughest exams ever, it basically goes 9 hrs 9 hrs etc..hopefully she is up for it and all the best to her coz she needs extreme focus.

If she has GC she will have more options, foreigners have very few hospitals to apply residency..

 

[JaDed]

Doctors in the US i know are all pretty well off and have a maid come in do to normal house chores. Even pharmacists are raking it in . What kind of doc is your BIL that's so worried about these little things .

When was the last time you spoke to a doctor that immigrated to states not the ones who grew up here?

 

[cric_man]

Apparently being a doctor in the US is not that easy anymore. He was grumbling a few months ago when I spoke to him a few months ago that medical students have to study up to the age of 30-32 and then start applying for your fellowships, then your first job. He is an interventionist cardiologist and he has apparently done a double specialization so that he can be competitive. He was bitter that doctors spend close to $500,000 in education and then start out at $58,000 plus after all the schooling, residency, fellowships which involve long hours, working 7 days a week.

He has a maid which comes in once a month to clean the house. He also has a chemotherapy other who is suffering from terminal breast cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy right now.

A DR doing his/her residency may make $58k. But not a interventionist cardiologist who has completed his fellowship. That is a load of ********. My friend is a radiologist, his first offer right after completing his fellowship was 480k (back in 2009!) and that was in Indianapolis. He subsequantly moved back to Chicago @ Northwestern and has been there. Lives in a 3M mansion on the lake shore @ kenilworth.

I say this because my wife is a doctor and completed her USMLE. She didn't find residency program in Chicago so switched to Hospital Administration. But all her classmates from DOW in KHI are doing fairly well. 3 couples both husband and wife doctors have combined take home income of over 1M annually....

 

[Savak]

A DR doing his/her residency may make $58k. But not a interventionist cardiologist who has completed his fellowship. That is a load of ********. My friend is a radiologist, his first offer right after completing his fellowship was 480k (back in 2009!) and that was in Indianapolis. He subsequantly moved back to Chicago @ Northwestern and has been there. Lives in a 3M mansion on the lake shore @ kenilworth.

I say this because my wife is a doctor and completed her USMLE. She didn't find residency program in Chicago so switched to Hospital Administration. But all her classmates from DOW in KHI are doing fairly well. 3 couples both husband and wife doctors have combined take home income of over 1M annually....

Maybe he was making $58,000 on fellowship. To go from $58k to $480k in one stroke is a lot. But the guy just started working in his first job after fellowship this month. Will be hard for me to find out about his exact Salary right now but his options are limited in terms of where he can work because he wants to be close to his parents. They are living in New Jersey

 

[Savak]

USMLE is one of the toughest exams ever, it basically goes 9 hrs 9 hrs etc..hopefully she is up for it and all the best to her coz she needs extreme focus.

If she has GC she will have more options, foreigners have very few hospitals to apply residency..

She has a green card. She desires to get into peadiatrics. My dad has probably 8-10 strings in his bow ie medical degrees, certifications and a PhD.

At present my sister completed her MBBS from Dow and then moved to Canada to join us. My dad knew that medicine in Canada was an impossibility therefore he made her focus for the US.

Lol he has been forcing her to consider doing a Masters in Public Health, the USMLE's and then later a PhD. My sister freaks out and is like she can't do so many tough things all at the same time. Plus she was 25 years old so my parents had to get her married as well and married life on its own is going to be very tough and distracting.

Now even after marriage, my dad has offered to finance her MPH education, USMLE's and even her PhD if she desires to do it and even the downpayment for their first house down the line when they wish to get it. I am pretty sure if her hubby finds out about all this he is going to feel even more inadequate.

Personally I am very scared of what I have seen and observed about their family. At the Valima, the guys younger brother who is also a doctor born and raised in the US, put down my sister badly in the speech at the end "you are so lucky to be married to him, you did not have to struggle like him, you did not have to work as hard as him". Our side of the family was fuming inside afterwards and grumbling deeply but my dad kept everyone quiet and didn't want to create a scene. But overall the wibes I get from the family is of a Pakistani American family which considers themselves superior to regular Pakistanis.

And the other thing which terrifies me about arranged marriage is that it is always a huge huge risk where the initial impression the guy/girl creates before marriage does not match with their attitude, behaviour after marriage which is why I am a big fan of love marriages, live in relationships before marriage

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

When was the last time you spoke to a doctor that immigrated to states not the ones who grew up here?

Its a mixed bag . I live in a city where there are a few Pakisani/muslim doctors. Some that went to school here , others that immigrated from Pakistan and cleared USMLE's here. None of these people are struggling money wise. Mc-mansions and all . They do have long hours and work really hard tough .

 

[cric_man]

Maybe he was making $58,000 on fellowship. To go from $58k to $480k in one stroke is a lot. But the guy just started working in his first job after fellowship this month. Will be hard for me to find out about his exact Salary right now but his options are limited in terms of where he can work because he wants to be close to his parents. They are living in New Jersey

Please look at this.
https://www.salary.com/research/salary/benchmark/cardiologist-salary/nj

 

[cricketjoshila]

Maybe he was making $58,000 on fellowship. To go from $58k to $480k in one stroke is a lot. But the guy just started working in his first job after fellowship this month. Will be hard for me to find out about his exact Salary right now but his options are limited in terms of where he can work because he wants to be close to his parents. They are living in New Jersey

Interventional cardiologist, freshly out of fellowship makes atleast $250k to $300k.

Even if they go to some remote state. Its much more in NJ. Trust me my friends work there.

Ofcourse he will have significant debts to finance his studies.

 

[Savak]

Interventional cardiologist, freshly out of fellowship makes atleast $250k to $300k.

Even if they go to some remote state. Its much more in NJ. Trust me my friends work there.

Ofcourse he will have significant debts to finance his studies.

Will confirm with my sister gradually about how much he makes.

 

[Savak]

Interventional cardiologist, freshly out of fellowship makes atleast $250k to $300k.

Even if they go to some remote state. Its much more in NJ. Trust me my friends work there.

Ofcourse he will have significant debts to finance his studies.

And lol here I am doing the CPA where the salaries have really regressed. Even after designation the jump is max from $45k to $70k. You have to put in grind and work really long hours, deal with a lot of stress, pressure from your managers, senior managers, partners to get to $120k.

The pay off is just not worth it compared to the stress you deal with. It's a different ball game if the jump is from $45k to $250-300k but not from $45 to $75k and from $75-120k.

 

[cricketjoshila]

Will confirm with my sister gradually about how much he makes.

May i say something, if you wont get offended, that is.

 

[cricketjoshila]

And lol here I am doing the CPA where the salaries have really regressed. Even after designation the jump is max from $45k to $70k. You have to put in grind and work really long hours, deal with a lot of stress, pressure from your managers, senior managers, partners to get to $120k.

The pay off is just not worth it compared to the stress you deal with. It's a different ball game if the jump is from $45k to $250-300k but not from $45 to $75k and from $75-120k.

If you have a MD plus fellowship, a doctor should be making $250k easily.

 

[Savak]

May i say something, if you wont get offended, that is.

Everyone offends everyone intentionally or unintentionally. What difference does it make

 

[Savak]

If you have a MD plus fellowship, a doctor should be making $250k easily.

She's not disclosing how much he will be making. She's just simplifying it down to depends on where you work and which specialization but I can't pry beyond this. But I doubt he is making that much right now

 

[cricketjoshila]

She's not disclosing how much he will be making. She's just simplifying it down to depends on where you work and which specialization but I can't pry beyond this. But I doubt he is making that much right now

Unless he is still studying, he should be making close to that much. He is a interventional cardiologist ***.

 

[cricketjoshila]

Everyone offends everyone intentionally or unintentionally. What difference does it make

Dont you find you Brother in law cribbing about money within 1 month of his marriage and making your sister unhappy and as you put it, literally torturing her over finances a bit strange.

I mean all this in a month? Really.

Your father is very well off, how much do you think he will put in to see your sister happy and where will that money ultimately flow to?

Just think.

Please, this is not to be offensive to your BiL.


PS: i doubt your sister even knows how much her husband makes.

 

[Savak]

Dont you find you Brother in law cribbing about money within 1 month of his marriage and making your sister unhappy and as you put it, literally torturing her over finances a bit strange.

I mean all this in a month? Really.

Your father is very well off, how much do you think he will put in to see your sister happy and where will that money ultimately flow to?

Just think.

Please, this is not to be offensive to your BiL.


PS: i doubt your sister even knows how much her husband makes.

It is indeed strange. I always knew that my dad was more well off compared to investments compared to their family. For us we were mostly impressed with the guys charming social skills and how polished he looked and everyone in our family was taken in by him. I and my elder brother also couldn't find any objections at the time plus my sister would happily speak to him daily for 2-3 hours on the phone at night so there were no concerns at the time

My parents come from the belief that married life is all about family background and whether the guy is of good character. Money, career prospects are not that big of a deal. For my parents the biggest plus signs were that the guy prays 5 times a day and that he had taken on the responsibility of being the eldest son and had been looking after his mother who has been suffering from terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years, so my parents especially my mom was like this is a good sign and most definitely will be just as loving and caring towards my sister

But one month after marriage the kind of anecdotes we are hearing is

- The cleaning lady who comes to their home once a month kept my sisters make up stuff somewhere else without informing anyone. My sister couldn't find it after looking everywhere for it, he starts criticizing her that she should be responsible and looking after her stuff, she says if it can't be found she will have to buy it from the market, he starts going off you are financially irresponsible and careless

- She tries to help out around the house and kitchen as much as she can, he criticizes her efficiency and comments did your parents not teach you these things, what the hell did you do your whole life? I refuse to believe that she isn't good in the kitchen because she does a very good job cleaning the living room, house, dishes at our place and she is a lot faster, efficient than I am

- He and her brothers joke around and made fun of her cooking once

- His parents deliberately make her not do the dishes after dinner even if she volunteers to do it. He admonishes her later on, that my parents are old, don't make them do the dishes, you do all of them

- She naturally misses her parents, home and once he erupted and was told her, this is what you signed up for

- She was once upset and crying at night and he totally lost it and was like "I have to go to work tommorow, I need to sleep". This I can perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt and sympathize with

- He is constantly cribbing about her immaturity, carelessness.

I am sure they don't fight and argue all the time and that these are just perhaps isolated incidents. My mom for now is siding with her son in law because she knows my sister is very emotional, sensitive and perhaps maybe her being upset, emotional all the time especially at night perhaps is driving him crazy especially considering he is starting a new job, has the stress of unwell parents to deal with

All I know is she was dying to come home and visit us and she looked very relaxed, normal but the night before her flight, she was lying down next to mom at night and she out of the blue started sobbing and was like he again criticized her spending habits and that she was financially irresponsible. Now I observed my sister for the one week she was in Canada and she didn't even buy anything extravagant, she mostly went out to meet her friends for coffee, lunch but like c'mon man, how expensive are those expenses?

Anyways she was sobbing and crying with mom "He just married me for my face, he didn't care or give a damn whether I was going to be compatible with him or not, he should have married someone more compatible for him, I am trying really hard to change and adapt but it is now getting really tiring and frustrating for me, I don't want to go back, I want to cancel my ticket". Mom Ofcourse comforted her and she was fine in the morning, when I asked her briefly she was like it's no big deal, she will sort it out with him etc.

For me. What I am just realizing is that there is indeed merit in girls parents demanding that the guy be financially secure, settled and even with a place of his own. Also perhaps there is indeed a big risk when there is a big age gap bw husband and wife. Lastly a big risk that the initial impression created before marriage can be misleading

 

[Savak]

Thought i would finally inform everyone. After 3 failed crushes, befriending loads of girls, women in Pakistan, Canada, meeting many through matrimonial and dating sites, meeting through parents and extended relatives, friends, i more or less had given up on the idea of being infatuated with a girl i would eventually get married too and that whether it would even be possible

I finally conceded to my parents and had been exploring all the options they had been suggesting to me in the last 6 months. I told them that i will agree to speak to whoever they felt was right but at the very least they too had to be fair too me as well i.e while they had every right to prioritize the girls family background, values but they had to give some weightage to the girls looks.

I also got sick and tired of trying to date, stay in touch with girls i came across as well. Looks indeed are not everything, there was this one girl i felt interested to know more about given how much she resembled the Pakistani actress Sana Javed,but my god i could not bear to talk to her anymore 3-4 days later given how poor her communication, conversational skills were and she just wouldn't talk or say anything interesting,i got so bored and horrified that i just told her that sorry but we are just not right for each other

Having closely monitored my mom's declining health and the extent to which my dad and I have taken care of her, one realizes that all superficial things like beauty, fame, reputation, education goes away in a heart beat and that ultimately a respectful spouse with good character, morals is the perfect long term bet.

My parents were very keen on a very simple traditional pathan girl from a staunch pathan family in Abbotabad off late and the level of enthusiasm, joy my parents would get when talking about her with me is something i have never ever seen in my life for anyone they were suggested or recommended to me before. They showed me a few photographs of the girl, she was decent looking and you can easily tell she came from a pretty simple, conservative, traditional and hardcore pathan family. She wears an Abaya and is only 19 years old and just started college. Apparently she has always been a bright student and has a passion for debating.

I didn't really object to anything. I gave my parents the go ahead and was like i don't have any issues but first check if they will be interested or no. Anyways my dad went to meet the girls parents alone and interacted with them in Pashto in Abbotabad.

The girls grandparents, parents and the girl in question has agreed, we hid nothing at all from them i.e. my mother is terminally unwell and doesn't have much time, i will be 35 next year, i work long hours in my field e.t.c. But inspite of this they have no issues.

Lol apart from the girls pics, i know nothing else about her, she does not have any social media accounts, i asked my folks if i can atleast speak to her on the phone or on whatsapp but they were like the girls parents are very traditional and do not allow these things. Lol, can you imagine, i will be landing in Pakistan on Dec 15, i will go with my parents to Abbotabad on Dec 18 and finally see, meet the girl in person and our Nikkah is going to take place on Dec 20

Vast majority of my family and friends have been very complimentary, they have seen the girls pics and feel i did surpass the odds given my age and that i have done extremely well for myself.

I am not extremely happy, nor am i extremely upset, scared either. For me it is just something that had to happen eventually at the age of 35, i feel i should have done this 8 years ago to be honest because now i am just so well set in my bachelor ways and lifestyle

 

[cricketjoshila]

Congrats [MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

May the gods bless you with a wonderful matrimonial life.

 

[faraz39]

Make dua and trust in God. We can only know and so much. He is the best of planners.