Old age and elderly care homes

[cricketworm]

Not until when God forbid they become candidate for Hospice Care.

I have seen my father in law and my wife taking care of my late grand father in law who was severely diabetic of later years, and got very severe pressure ulcer in the lower part of body, lost all sensation below belt, lost strength of arms. Smell of pus, defecation and urine, you have to clean it, every 6- 8 hours, feed him every 3 hours, sponge bath him every day.

Bitterness rises. Elderly Abuse rises. Depressive mood rises.

I wish the most people's parents remain healthy, but when debilitating situation rises, tough calls are made. Don't judge people when the make a decision. I would rather not see people give verbal or physical to parents but rather ask them to stay where people give them good care.

I hope I earn enough money in next 20 years, so I can afford everything my parent's care. On top of the deserved pension they will get from government, should be sufficient for their best care.

 

[kaayal]

Questions like the one in OP used to nag at my consciousness before but not anymore. I've been detached from my parents for sometime now. I haven't talked to them or know their whereabouts in years. During my last conversation with them on the phone, I was told that they are cutting off all contact with me and shortly afterwards they sent me a letter asking me to return the money that they have loaned me sometime ago, a measly thousand or so dollars, but the painful part was they even asked me to return the jewelry that they had gifted to my significant other at the occasion of our wedding. Needless to say, I returned the money and jewelry to them immediately and since then have been living a separate and detached life from them. A year after that conversation I heard that my Dad was in the hospital needing a pacemaker. I tried getting in touch with them but they did not responded to my inquiries. Since then I've pretty much given up on them. I have other siblings who are more than capable of taking care of them and who my parents appear to care for more than me as well. So I guess it was just meant to me.

I don’t know what has happened in your life but forgiving is good for everyone . Why don’t you just pay a visit to your parents and break the ice now?

 

[CricketCartoons]

I don’t know what has happened in your life but forgiving is good for everyone . Why don’t you just pay a visit to your parents and break the ice now?

Sometimes it is best to trust people's decisions and accept that you can't make a judgement as you are not in their shoes.

 

[kaayal]

Sometimes it is best to trust people's decisions and accept that you can't make a judgement as you are not in their shoes.

Hmmm. That’s true too.

 

[Robert]

Would you put your parents in an old age or elderly care home or would you prefer to keep them at home and look after them?

Not if they require specialist medical attention but in general when they are old.

I see this is very normal in some cultures and a big taboo in others.

Personally, never. I think abandoning your parents, getting a stranger to make their food and look after them is wrong.

Excellent question.

I think families should take care of their elders unless severe dementia develops and the elder needs specialist care.

White British society could learn from Desi family life in this regard.

 

[GBK_Fan]

Questions like the one in OP used to nag at my consciousness before but not anymore. I've been detached from my parents for sometime now. I haven't talked to them or know their whereabouts in years. During my last conversation with them on the phone, I was told that they are cutting off all contact with me and shortly afterwards they sent me a letter asking me to return the money that they have loaned me sometime ago, a measly thousand or so dollars, but the painful part was they even asked me to return the jewelry that they had gifted to my significant other at the occasion of our wedding. Needless to say, I returned the money and jewelry to them immediately and since then have been living a separate and detached life from them. A year after that conversation I heard that my Dad was in the hospital needing a pacemaker. I tried getting in touch with them but they did not responded to my inquiries. Since then I've pretty much given up on them. I have other siblings who are more than capable of taking care of them and who my parents appear to care for more than me as well. So I guess it was just meant to me.

Sorry to read that. Separation from family can be extremely discomforting. Can only imagine the pain you went through

 

[saadibaba]

I don’t know what has happened in your life but forgiving is good for everyone . Why don’t you just pay a visit to your parents and break the ice now?

Its not easy. They live quite far away from me, almost 15 hour or so drive. The distance is however not the main issue here.

Sorry to read that. Separation from family can be extremely discomforting. Can only imagine the pain you went through

I've become numb to that pain now. Time is the great healer.

To be honest I was never really close to them. As a child, I remember my parents leaving me with my maternal grandmother when they had to travel or on the weekends etc. My mother was barely 18 when she had me and I feel she was unprepared for the demands and responsibilities of motherhood. I was mostly raised by servants (ayya's) and my grandmother. My dad was always busy with his job. I have no memory of spending time with him as a child. The only activity we used to do together was going for the Jumma prayers but that failed to form any bond. It felt like a meaningless ritual to me. We never played any games together, we never shared any interest. When it came time for me to choose which college I will be going to, he made the decision for me, no questions asked. I know they were proud of me cause I was known in my extended family as the most bright, obedient and well mannered child. Maybe they felt its better to leave me to one devices or maybe they were busy with other stuff and rising my other siblings.

During the last years of our interactions, I noticed my parents to have become even more rigid and narrow minded. I found my father to have developed a mean and vindictive nature or maybe it was always there and came to the surface once he got semi-retired. My mother acting as his proxy carried out his orders and commands without any hesitation. She had managed to lose her own identity completely and had become a mirror image of my dad. They became more religious and dogmatic but instead of being forgiving and generous, they became mean petty and spiteful. I was always detached from them to a certain degree but in the last years became even more disconnected and resigned towards them. Still, I never thought of cutting of all contact with them. It happened quite suddenly but I have now learned to accept it as fate.

Interestingly a few years back, I got a call from out of nowhere by some guy who claimed to be dating my sister and wanting to marry her. He asked me to reconcile with my family as it was putting too much pressure on my sister. As it turned out he was some Egyptian guy. Knowing my family's rigid and myopic mentality, I asked him if my parents approved of him. Not the case so far per him. Quite bizarre for a guy who is not even part of my family to ask me to put everything aside and try to reconcile. In any case, I gave him a brief history of my parents and their relationship with me and told him I will think about it. Needless to say, I never intended to do anything about it.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Excellent question.

I think families should take care of their elders unless severe dementia develops and the elder needs specialist care.

White British society could learn from Desi family life in this regard.

It goes the other was as well as I already mentioned. A lot of British desis have similar aspirations to white Brits and for many of them the old idea of extended families is no longer seen as attractive. But what I have noticed is that a lot of younger whites are no longer leaving the home at working age any more because they can't afford to get on the property ladder. So I wonder if there will be some sort of compromises in the future where the parents will give over their properties to their kids in exchange for some form of care if needed? It's a funny old world and whites might end up heading towards extended families due to economics, probably at least part of the reason why desis stuck to it in the old world.

 

[GBK_Fan]

Its not easy. They live quite far away from me, almost 15 hour or so drive. The distance is however not the main issue here.



I've become numb to that pain now. Time is the great healer.

To be honest I was never really close to them. As a child, I remember my parents leaving me with my maternal grandmother when they had to travel or on the weekends etc. My mother was barely 18 when she had me and I feel she was unprepared for the demands and responsibilities of motherhood. I was mostly raised by servants (ayya's) and my grandmother. My dad was always busy with his job. I have no memory of spending time with him as a child. The only activity we used to do together was going for the Jumma prayers but that failed to form any bond. It felt like a meaningless ritual to me. We never played any games together, we never shared any interest. When it came time for me to choose which college I will be going to, he made the decision for me, no questions asked. I know they were proud of me cause I was known in my extended family as the most bright, obedient and well mannered child. Maybe they felt its better to leave me to one devices or maybe they were busy with other stuff and rising my other siblings.

During the last years of our interactions, I noticed my parents to have become even more rigid and narrow minded. I found my father to have developed a mean and vindictive nature or maybe it was always there and came to the surface once he got semi-retired. My mother acting as his proxy carried out his orders and commands without any hesitation. She had managed to lose her own identity completely and had become a mirror image of my dad. They became more religious and dogmatic but instead of being forgiving and generous, they became mean petty and spiteful. I was always detached from them to a certain degree but in the last years became even more disconnected and resigned towards them. Still, I never thought of cutting of all contact with them. It happened quite suddenly but I have now learned to accept it as fate.

Interestingly a few years back, I got a call from out of nowhere by some guy who claimed to be dating my sister and wanting to marry her. He asked me to reconcile with my family as it was putting too much pressure on my sister. As it turned out he was some Egyptian guy. Knowing my family's rigid and myopic mentality, I asked him if my parents approved of him. Not the case so far per him. Quite bizarre for a guy who is not even part of my family to ask me to put everything aside and try to reconcile. In any case, I gave him a brief history of my parents and their relationship with me and told him I will think about it. Needless to say, I never intended to do anything about it.

I get why you took your decision. Emotional detachment is a trait common to most desi fathers. My dad behaved the same although not as detached as yours. My mom more than made up for it though so it did not really bother me.

The bummer for me is your siblings not reaching out. Growing up your siblings are amongst your closest friends. For them to see your situation and not back you up is disheartening.

That guy seemed genuinely interested in your sister. Hopefully things worked out for them.

 

[Hadi Rizvi]

I find this "old age home" concept pathetic.

Just like [MENTION=138254]Syed1[/MENTION] said, I'd rather die than do that, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I find it really disgraceful when people use that excuse. As children, we used to **** in the bed at midnight, yet our parents put up with it because we matter most to our parents. They sacrificed their desires to fulfill ours. They spent money blindly on our education/health/lifestyle. They taught us literally everything, nurtured us, fulfilled our dietary requirements (even if sometimes it meant they had to sacrifice their meal for it), were happier than us on our achievements, cried their heart out if they saw our wound and yet we have some "apparently" mature posters in their 30s saying that they can't put up with cleaning/bathing their very own parents??? Not only that but also praising Western values for parents when they don't even exist???
I might be sounding harsh here but c'mon admit it.
The East might be worse off in every other aspect but the West doesn't even count when it comes to Family Values.

Those posters who have daddy issues should speak for themselves and not for entire communities.

 

[saadibaba]

I get why you took your decision. Emotional detachment is a trait common to most desi fathers. My dad behaved the same although not as detached as yours. My mom more than made up for it though so it did not really bother me.

The bummer for me is your siblings not reaching out. Growing up your siblings are amongst your closest friends. For them to see your situation and not back you up is disheartening.

That guy seemed genuinely interested in your sister. Hopefully things worked out for them.

My siblings have probably been instructed by my parents not to get in touch with me. That is why the Egyptian friend called me and not my sister, the only person he could have gotten my number from. I can understand their dilemma and don’t blame them at all for this.

One of my sister had an on and off relationship with me parents as well. I guess unlike me she hasn’t given up and keep going back to them despite being treated poorly. My younger brother is a mirror image of my dad. Unlike me, he grew up getting a lot of time and affection from my dad cause my dad had more time to spare when he was growing up. Thought I fear this attention will cause him to develop the same personal traits and problems my dad suffers from.

 

[CricketCartoons]

I might be sounding harsh here but c'mon admit it.
The East might be worse off in every other aspect but the West doesn't even count when it comes to Family Values.

Nail on the head! The west is primitive compared to our family values. The respect we give to elders and the value we attach to relationships is unmatched in other cultures, especially westerners. Just see how we react to tragedies, by wailing and beating our chests, but westerners at best shed a few tears when tragedy strikes them. We are about culture and civilization. They are about money and materialism.