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The Lame Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Big Daddy
- Start date
Salman
ODI Debutant
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Going to attempt my Nick Hammond joke while Oxy's away...
What do Nick Hammond and Kate Moss have in common??
They both got smashed on top gear..
What do Nick Hammond and Kate Moss have in common??
They both got smashed on top gear..
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Gasherbrum
First Class Captain
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didn't we already have a lame jokes thread?
floatingslip
Tape Ball Star
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Lessons from Ovalgate - don't scratch your balls when Hair is around.
cinderella
First Class Player
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
Where you left it.
161
Senior T20I Player
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knock knock..
whose there ?
dishes..
dishes who ?
dishes kashif
whose there ?
dishes..
dishes who ?
dishes kashif
cinderella
First Class Player
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Where do kings keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
In their sleevies.
PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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How do you get a green card?
By insulting a hockey umpire
By insulting a hockey umpire
smoothcriminal
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Razi1 said:
Naw man shouldn't go there.. thats what I think personally.
infamous9383
ODI Debutant
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I hope a certain umpire doesn't get offended
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.
What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit?
A bad hare day.
PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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Q) Why did you bring ladder to school?
because i am going to a high school
because i am going to a high school
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cinderella
First Class Player
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Why did the potato go to France?
It wanted to be a French fry.
It wanted to be a French fry.
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A cricket enthusiast had three trays installed in his office labelled 'In' , 'Out' , and 'L.B.W.' .
A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of 'In' and 'Out' but what did 'L.B.W.' mean ?
And the cricket enthusiast replied : "Let the Ba****s Wait."
A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of 'In' and 'Out' but what did 'L.B.W.' mean ?
And the cricket enthusiast replied : "Let the Ba****s Wait."
At the start of the Indian innings(280 required for a win)
Ganguly to Ramesh "I am not comfortable with Akhtar's pace. So I will attack Akram and u take care of Akhtar."
After 4 overs(with hardly any runs on the board), Ramesh to Ganguly "These guys are bowling very fast. We will see them off and then attack Mahmood and Saqlain."
After 13 overs(when Azhar Mahmood and Saqlain were bowling), Ganguly to Dravid "I don't think we can score off these guys as well. We will wait for Arshad Khan and Shahid Afridi. Surely we can easily attack them. After all, Shahid Afridi is a part-time bowler."
After Afridi bowled some overs, Dravid to Robin Singh "Don't worry, Robin. I heard that English bowlers are easier to score off. We will play out 50 overs and attack in the next match."
At the end of the match, Joshi to Mongia "Why didn't u try to force the pace?"
Mongia to Joshi "No, yaar. If I try to force the pace against these bowlers, I will get out. There is only one way by which I can score runs fastly without getting out. You have to bowl to me."
Ganguly to Ramesh "I am not comfortable with Akhtar's pace. So I will attack Akram and u take care of Akhtar."
After 4 overs(with hardly any runs on the board), Ramesh to Ganguly "These guys are bowling very fast. We will see them off and then attack Mahmood and Saqlain."
After 13 overs(when Azhar Mahmood and Saqlain were bowling), Ganguly to Dravid "I don't think we can score off these guys as well. We will wait for Arshad Khan and Shahid Afridi. Surely we can easily attack them. After all, Shahid Afridi is a part-time bowler."
After Afridi bowled some overs, Dravid to Robin Singh "Don't worry, Robin. I heard that English bowlers are easier to score off. We will play out 50 overs and attack in the next match."
At the end of the match, Joshi to Mongia "Why didn't u try to force the pace?"
Mongia to Joshi "No, yaar. If I try to force the pace against these bowlers, I will get out. There is only one way by which I can score runs fastly without getting out. You have to bowl to me."
cinderella
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Where do cows go to have fun?
To the moovies.
To the moovies.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:
1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:
1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little *******. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
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This guy was walking down the street, and he was passing this building when he saw a ladder leaning up against it, with a sign saying "CLIMB TO SUCCESS"
So they guy climbed it, got to the roof, and saw a naked man sitting there.
The guy goes "who are you?"
The naked man says "I'm Cess."
So they guy climbed it, got to the roof, and saw a naked man sitting there.
The guy goes "who are you?"
The naked man says "I'm Cess."
Atif
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Zechariah
T20I Debutant
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Thanks for showing us the right path PP
)
)
Mohsin
Senior T20I Player
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all hail PP
) ) 
) ) PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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You seem to have lost all your sanity on your birthdayZechariah said:Thanks for showing us the right path PP
)
Zechariah
T20I Debutant
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PlanetPakistan said:You seem to have lost all your sanity on your birthday
You are all experiencing my relaxed and insane side.
)
Zechariah
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nikred said:where am i? where am i?
Knock knock
who's there
nik
nik who
nikal
) )PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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Yeah it seems that you went to celebrate your birthday in a black holeZechariah said:You are all experiencing my relaxed and insane side.
Zechariah
T20I Debutant
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PlanetPakistan said:Yeah it seems that you went to celebrate your birthday in a black hole
loll dont give me new ideas yaar!
The last thing i want is to spend my birthday spinning around amongst old dark matter.
PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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Just do it! It's the freest fall of them allZechariah said:
Zechariah
T20I Debutant
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PlanetPakistan said:Just do it! It's the freest fall of them all
We'll go together come your birthday. How about that?
PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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OkZechariah said:
but next time don't forget to wear a helmet...we can't afford another spell of craziness
INZItheman
Tape Ball Captain
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right
kingkash786
Tape Ball Regular
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james bond
james bond says to a chicken the names bond james bond
the chicken replies
the names ken chic ken
james bond says to a chicken the names bond james bond
the chicken replies
the names ken chic ken
Vegitto1
First Class Captain
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what do u see when u spell icup
DHONI183
A departed friend who will live in our memories fo
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ...
Now read without the word dog.
) ) 
Now read without the word dog.
) ) 
Boi
Senior ODI Player
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here shall i tell you a joke about butter..
nah u probably spread it
nah u probably spread it
Boi
Senior ODI Player
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Shall i tell u a joke about a wall..
nah u wont be able to get over it
nah u wont be able to get over it
Boi
Senior ODI Player
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Shall i tell you a joke abouT A BIN
no its rubbish
no its rubbish
Boi
Senior ODI Player
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this guy was on the motor way..
his wife was at home and she was watching the news and suddenly there was some breaking news it read: Watch out all drivers on m25 (that the motoway that guy was on)
there is a maniac driving on the wrong side of the motorway.
his wife quickly rang him up and warned him and said that there is a maniac driving on the wron side of the road he repleid: no theres no one there a 100s
lol!!
his wife was at home and she was watching the news and suddenly there was some breaking news it read: Watch out all drivers on m25 (that the motoway that guy was on)
there is a maniac driving on the wrong side of the motorway.
his wife quickly rang him up and warned him and said that there is a maniac driving on the wron side of the road he repleid: no theres no one there a 100s
lol!!
PlanetPakistan
Senior ODI Player
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i don't feel like reading it ...can you please write it out.DHONI183 said:This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ...
Now read without the word dog.
p.s i got your PM..will reply after iftar and work
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Mohsin
Senior T20I Player
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12thMan said:
koan hai?
DHONI183
A departed friend who will live in our memories fo
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Mohsin_Pak786 said:
Jinn-Baba..........................
!) )
Last edited:
DM
ODI Debutant
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Ok time to really raise the lame stakes
What did they used to call Twix bars?
A: Tom Hanks' Bars
keep them flowing, just make them up!
What did they used to call Twix bars?
A: Tom Hanks' Bars
keep them flowing, just make them up!
DM
ODI Debutant
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Man: Doctor, I think I've broken my leg.
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
DM
ODI Debutant
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Q: How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It depends on if they're 40W or 60W!
A: It depends on if they're 40W or 60W!
DM
ODI Debutant
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none taken!
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
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