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The Lame Jokes Thread

invincible said:
What a thread !

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that thing just scared me...
 
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.
 
A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
 
Easa said:
What did the parent chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.

:))) :)))
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lol!! :))) :))
good one Easa!
 
DM said:
A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
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:20: is that a joke!! well i dont understand it
 
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
 
nikred said:
which is more disturbing? invinsible's post or DM's jokes.
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sorry guys ... i didnt expect that pic. to be funny ... nor did i expect it to be disturbing as it turned out :) My apologies ...

edited my post ...
 
if adam and eve were chinese, people would have still been in garden of eden. can anyone tell why?
 
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because they would have made 2 King Prawn Kung Pao instead of eating the apple?
 
Knock knock!

Who's there?

The Gestapo.
 
I can't, I love anti-jokes, just re-reading them :)))


There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."

The man wished for money. POOF! The genie gave him billions of dollars - more than a man could spend in a lifetime.

The man wished for health. POOF! The genie gave him a perfectly healthy body.

The man wished for happiness. The genie raised his hands to grant the wish, then said, "Master, I cannot do that. You need to find that happiness... in your heart." In return for the failed wish, the genie gave the man more money.
 
nikred said:
if adam and eve were chinese, people would have still been in garden of eden. can anyone tell why?
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oops i forgot about the question. ok the answer is: they would give a damn about the apple and would eat the snake instead.
 
Why did the clown fall off the swing?

Someone shot him in the face.
 
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

Get in the car.

:)))
 
A couple are at a jewellery shop.

As the lady bends over to look at the ring, she farts, hoping nobody heard her.

She ask the shop keeper "how much is that ring?"

Shop keeper: "Madam, if you farted whilts looking at the ring, you will $h!t yourself if I tell you the price!"
 
in_cutter said:
A couple are at a jewellery shop.

As the lady bends over to look at the ring, she farts, hoping nobody heard her.

She ask the shop keeper "how much is that ring?"

Shop keeper: "Madam, if you farted whilts looking at the ring, you will $h!t yourself if I tell you the price!"
Click to expand...


:))) :))) :))) :))) :))) :)) :))
 
in_cutter said:
A couple are at a jewellery shop.

As the lady bends over to look at the ring, she farts, hoping nobody heard her.

She ask the shop keeper "how much is that ring?"

Shop keeper: "Madam, if you farted whilts looking at the ring, you will $h!t yourself if I tell you the price!"
Click to expand...
:)))
 
in_cutter said:
A couple are at a jewellery shop.

As the lady bends over to look at the ring, she farts, hoping nobody heard her.

She ask the shop keeper "how much is that ring?"

Shop keeper: "Madam, if you farted whilts looking at the ring, you will $h!t yourself if I tell you the price!"
Click to expand...

thats hilarious :)))
 
Q: what do you get when you cross a shi tzu and a bull dog?

ANS: a bull sh*t.
 
Easa said:
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

Get in the car.

:)))
Click to expand...
Easa said:
Why did the clown fall off the swing?

Someone shot him in the face.
Click to expand...
:))) :))) that's what i'm talking about!!
 
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
 
Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance reflects a degree of respect for the deceased and their family.
 
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street.

The first nun says, "Have you ever come this way before?"

The second nun replies, "No, I usually take the longer route to avoid these cobbles."
 
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doctor.

Doctor Who?

Doctor Shipman, Harold Shipman.
 
A man walks into a bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
Later that night, he goes home alone and reflects on the poor decisions he's made in life.
 
Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

David.

David who?

David Barnes, your old friend from college.

What a pleasant surprise. Please, come in.
 
How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder, and the other to turn the light bulb in a clockwise fashion until it is secured in the socket.
 
How do you brainwash a blonde?

A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.
 
A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
 
How do you make a swiss roll?

Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder
 
DM said:
A man walks into a bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
Later that night, he goes home alone and reflects on the poor decisions he's made in life.
Click to expand...
What the hell?

:))) :)))
 
in_cutter said:
A couple are at a jewellery shop.

As the lady bends over to look at the ring, she farts, hoping nobody heard her.

She ask the shop keeper "how much is that ring?"

Shop keeper: "Madam, if you farted whilts looking at the ring, you will $h!t yourself if I tell you the price!"
Click to expand...

:)) :)))
 
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One holds groceries, the other molests children.
 
What did the rock say to the river?

Nothing, rocks can't talk.
 
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
 
How do you know if the head chef is a clown?

When the food tastes funny.
 
What was Tigger looking in the toilet for?

he was looking for pooh
 
Plasma said:
...:|

boi, your last three were pretty good. :19:
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The whole point of anti-humor is to make you go '':|'' and then '':)))"
 
exactly Easa!
Easa said:
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One holds groceries, the other molests children.
Click to expand...
:)))
 
Why was the young girl in hospital?

She had been violently beaten by her own father.
 
Knock Knock

Who's there?

It's the police. There's been a terrible accident. I'm afraid your husband has been killed.
 
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
 
What's the difference between a fox and a dog?

One is of the genus canis, the other is of the genus vulpes.
 
What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?

As of 2007, George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door.
 
How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?

You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accommodate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon would be solved.
 
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen." Now type the letter "p" to bring up the
Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a "p".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT" "p" on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
 
Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing
 
One day, little Frankie was outside when it started to rain. But the rain was different from the usual rain - this rain was a shiny green substance. Frankie laughed as it fell on him. He opened his mouth and caught it on his tongue. "I will call it 'grooby'!!" he said.

Frankie captured a jarful and brought it to his elementary school to show everyone. His friends were jealous and asked what it is. Frankie proudly said "It's 'grooby'!"

Later in class, Frankie's teacher saw it and asked him what it is. Frankie said "It's 'grooby'! I named it!" She laughed and went back to the chalkboard.

Frankie took his jar of grooby to his science teacher. "Look at my jar of grooby, Mr. Harris!" Mr. Harris said, "Frankie, you shouldn't call it grooby - you should call it 'nuclear waste'. The nearby reactor had a leak causing nuclear acid rain". Frankie gasped. Mr. Harris asked, "Frankie, you didn't happen to drink any did you?" Frankie reluctantly nodded. Harris ended with, "Frankie, I'm afraid you may well get cancer in the near future."
 
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!
 
why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken :|
 
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
 
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
 
What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes
 
DM, you are officially a comedic genius! You should have your own show (ala "Seinfeld"), and tell anti-jokes all the way along. Awesome stuff!
 
Anti-humor is the best type of humor guys.. how can you not crack up? This sort of humor is referred to as 'droll'..

So..

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
 
the_game said:
DM, you are officially a comedic genius! You should have your own show (ala "Seinfeld"), and tell anti-jokes all the way along. Awesome stuff!
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:D glad you like it too, it's amazing stuff, easily the most lol type of jokes i've encountered. It just compounds expectation in a horrific manner. And the best thing about them is, when you're on a roll with them, you can start making them up!
 
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Easa said:
Anti-humor is the best type of humor guys.. how can you not crack up? This sort of humor is referred to as 'droll'..

So..

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Click to expand...
:))) :))) :))) :))) :))) biggest laugh i've had today!!
 
Easa said:
Anti-humor is the best type of humor guys.. how can you not crack up? This sort of humor is referred to as 'droll'..

So..

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Click to expand...

I agree to some extent. Anti-humour is best doen spontaneously because no one sees it coming. Everyoen expects something funny but it just turns out to be stupid.

However, DM and somewhat yours is starting to get repitive since you are doing it every other post (or in DMs case, every post). And can be anticipated hence losing its most important element; surprise.
 
Anticipating the end of a joke would ruin it (not always). However it'd take a seasoned astrologer to anticipate the end of any joke. The fact that it'll be droll is easier to anticipate
 
However one thing i know is that it's been so far impossible to accurately analyse what's subjectively funny to someone and what's not. A reflection of this is that psychologists have tried to break down the elements of humour and through an equation, generated "the perfect joke" (according to their parameters set) - it was on the bbc website a while back. I didn't find it funny.

And thresholds for comedy isn't set and defined. I know personally for example, and I'm sure others here have reached the stage, say with friends and it's into the early hours, where anything said can send you to stitches!
 
One thing i do find odd and a tad vain is when people try to impose their sense of humour on others.

I find certain jokes funny. Others don't tickle my funny bone as much. But I don't feel compelled to censor them!
 
Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads directly at a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hits one of the men, and he immediately clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground, and proceeds to roll around in agony.

The woman rushes to the man and begins to apologize. She says: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know that I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"No, I'll be all right . . . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replies as he remains in the fetal position, still clasping his crotch. But she persists, and he finally allows her to help. She unzips his pants, puts her hands inside, and begins to massage him. She then asks: "How does this feel?"

To which he rejoins: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

After a short pause, in which nothing is said, there is this exchange:

"You think you're so funny?" asks the lady, beginning to cry. "I spent many years training to become a physical therapist. My husband has M.S. We're in debt for thousands. You're no comedian!"

The man, too, begins to cry. He stands up. Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he cracks wise: "I'm new at playing practical jokes and I'm slightly drunk. Please, just show me a little patience and I promise you that I won't do it again! Okay?"

"Okay," quips the lady, still crying. "All right then, okay."
 
A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, and then he's finally ushered into a conference room.

He goes in, and sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, and a gay guy of Chinese descent.

The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, and it's pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn't care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his Palm Pilot. But he plows through the presentation anyway, and when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand and thanks him.

He goes out to his car and starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings and he answers it. It's his wife, and she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home.

He says ok. She says, are you ok? And he says, yeah, I'm fine. She says ok.

He hangs up, and this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, and it's got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can't see that he's crying and says, "I don't even f***ing care about this sh*t!"
 
DM said:
A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, and then he's finally ushered into a conference room.

He goes in, and sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, and a gay guy of Chinese descent.

The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, and it's pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn't care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his Palm Pilot. But he plows through the presentation anyway, and when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand and thanks him.

He goes out to his car and starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings and he answers it. It's his wife, and she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home.

He says ok. She says, are you ok? And he says, yeah, I'm fine. She says ok.

He hangs up, and this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, and it's got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can't see that he's crying and says, "I don't even f***ing care about this sh*t!"
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dude this is the lamest post i have ever read. there is absolutely no connection between any of the two sentences and i just have no words. :O
 
Why do the cricket players take cigarette lighters ???????????? BECAUSE THEY LOST ALL THE MATCHES.
 
How do you make a foolish person busy all day????
PUT HIM IN A ROUND ROOM AND TELL HIM TO SIT IN A CORNER
 
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Pupil: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Pupil: You don't know my father !

:)))
 
A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
 
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