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The Lame Jokes Thread

Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Well,up and down makes it 3, but across the middle makes it 0.
 
DM said:
A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, and then he's finally ushered into a conference room.

He goes in, and sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, and a gay guy of Chinese descent.

The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, and it's pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn't care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his Palm Pilot. But he plows through the presentation anyway, and when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand and thanks him.

He goes out to his car and starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings and he answers it. It's his wife, and she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home.

He says ok. She says, are you ok? And he says, yeah, I'm fine. She says ok.

He hangs up, and this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, and it's got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can't see that he's crying and says, "I don't even f***ing care about this sh*t!"
What the hell..

:))) :))) :))) :))) :)))
 
DM said:
A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, and then he's finally ushered into a conference room.

He goes in, and sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, and a gay guy of Chinese descent.

The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, and it's pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn't care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his Palm Pilot. But he plows through the presentation anyway, and when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand and thanks him.

He goes out to his car and starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings and he answers it. It's his wife, and she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home.



He says ok. She says, are you ok? And he says, yeah, I'm fine. She says ok.

He hangs up, and this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, and it's got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can't see that he's crying and says, "I don't even f***ing care about this sh*t!"


What the heck is this :)))
 
DM said:
A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, and then he's finally ushered into a conference room.

He goes in, and sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, and a gay guy of Chinese descent.

The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, and it's pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn't care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his Palm Pilot. But he plows through the presentation anyway, and when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand and thanks him.

He goes out to his car and starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings and he answers it. It's his wife, and she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home.

He says ok. She says, are you ok? And he says, yeah, I'm fine. She says ok.

He hangs up, and this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, and it's got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can't see that he's crying and says, "I don't even f***ing care about this sh*t!"

W T F dude!!! I started reading this thinking it'll be bare funny, by the end i was like W T F!! YOU CHEATED ME MAN!! :po: :pissed:
 
:))) :))) I love the polarising effect of these jokes!!
 
Mohsin_Pak786 said:
W T F dude!!! I started reading this thinking it'll be bare funny, by the end i was like W T F!! YOU CHEATED ME MAN!! :po: :pissed:

That's exactly the point! They are "anti"-jokes!
 
Pakistani Tourist........

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.

As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"

Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me."

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.

Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".

Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"

Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!" :))) :)) :P
 
I don't know how I am going dance around this joke.

In a period of unusual calm in the India Pakistan relationship, Mushy and Manmohan are walking down a Delhi street when Mushy gets the urge to go # 1.

Mushy saunters over to the nearest wall, as is the habit of all of us in the subcontinent. At which point Singh stops him.

"Yeh kya kar rahe ho bhai?"


Replies Mushy: "Kyon kya hua?"

A panicked Manmohan says " Arre Dilli Police aakey pakad legi!"

A startled Mushy replies: "Kya bolte ho Manmohan! Pakistan mein to sabko apna apna khud pakadna padta hai"

This is probably going to get deleted quick time.
 
What do you call the sequel to the movie Silent Hill?

Loud Hill! What's even better, is that it's not loud, it's silent!!
 
What were Mother Teresa's alleged final words?

"If you really want to stop the ball swinging, you should try bowling it cross-seam"

!
 
Ooh thought of an even better one:

Q: What do you call the 2nd sequel to the movie Silent Hill?
A: Violent Hill! (because of the rhyme and the theme!)
 
(I found it funny, but it's one of those jokes that has to be told face to face for full effect, so I dunno, it may be classified as lame, meh.)

A mother has three daughters.

First daughter, "Mum, why did you name me Petal?"

"Because sweetheart, when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

Second daughter, "Mum, why did you name me Lilly?"

"Because darling, when you were born, a lilly fell on your head."

Third daughter, "Mublurgh blugh blurgh blugghhrrh!"

"Shut up, Fridge."
 
DM said:
What do you call the sequel to the movie Silent Hill?

Loud Hill! What's even better, is that it's not loud, it's silent!!
Good one amigo. :35:
 
The Blazer said:
(I found it funny, but it's one of those jokes that has to be told face to face for full effect, so I dunno, it may be classified as lame, meh.)

A mother has three daughters.

First daughter, "Mum, why did you name me Petal?"

"Because sweetheart, when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

Second daughter, "Mum, why did you name me Lilly?"

"Because darling, when you were born, a lilly fell on your head."

Third daughter, "Mublurgh blugh blurgh blugghhrrh!"

"Shut up, Fridge."
:))) :))) :))) :))) and the fact you attempted to convey the sounds :)))

PS Did you hear about the quite blunt and inanimate names of skinner's children, all named in advance? I'll stop right there.

(talking about skinner from the X-Files)
 
(Ignore certain connotations that you may gather from that last sentence)
 
Q: Why did the door open?

A: It was firmly instructed to!
 
Q: Why did the door close?
A: It wasn't comfortable with being so open.
 
Q: Why did the boy decide to take the longer route home?

A: To avoid confronting a gang of bullies that have been crippling his emotional development that may well lead to gender identity issues in the future!
 
Q: Why did the door remain stationary?

A: It had recently sustained fractures to the femur!
 
:)))

Q- How do you put a midget in a lamp?
A- You beat the little sh!t to a bloody pulp with a spade.
 
Q: Why did the door break wind?

A: Because the "door" identified a gender-fault with the "wind"!
 
:))) :))) most violent....most violent

Q: Why did the moon move?

A: Because the moon always wins!
 
Q: What is the best time to eat breakfast?

A: Breakfast time!
 
Q: What is the worst time to eat breakfast?
A: Breakfast moon!
 
:))) :))) Just getting a little bit surreal now.

Q- Why did Afridi's agent not like the stuff on PP?
A- Because he is a goat.
 
Q: Why do babies cry a lot?
A: Freedom of speech!
 
:))) :)))


Q: Why do elephants not browse the internet?
A: Mental capacity and dexterity issues!
 
Q: What looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and smells like a duck?
A: Your mother.
 
Q: Why is inflation continuing to rise?
A: Leave me alone dad!
 
Q: What are the basic principles of gravitational force?
A: Wool!
 
Q: Why did the dead chicken not cross the road?
A: Lack of oxygen to the leg muscles!
 
:))) :))) :)))

Q- Why did the old lady inject herself with insulin?
A- Someone told her that she was suffering from hypoglycaemia.
 
Q- Who wrote the Communist Manifesto?
A- A disgruntled capitalist.
 
Q: What is the smallest thing known to man?
A: Sand!
 
DM said:
What were Mother Teresa's alleged final words?

"If you really want to stop the ball swinging, you should try bowling it cross-seam"

!

mmph........mmph....mmph............. :))) :))) :))) this is so freaking stupid that its funny.
 
:))) :))) :)))


Q: Why did the Challenger Space Shuttle crash shortly after take-off, tragically killing all on-board, in 1986?
A: Eww that's gross!
 
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
 
Did I already mention how much I love DM's anti-jokes! "I don't even care about this f'ing ****" was brilliant :afridi .
 
:))) another true appreciator of anti-comedy

Come on guys keep them coming, just make them up! Say anything at all and it's going to be funny here!
 
W63L35 said:
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
:))) :))) :))) :))) quite excellent
 
Q: Why did the Waqar not hear the edge in his own ear?

A: Because the batsman did not get a room.
 
Q: Why did Bhajji slap Sreesanth?

A: Son of a ***** was getting on his nerves.
 
The patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel
miserable.
The doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
The patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
 
Two atoms are walking down the street...
Then the one says to the other.
1st-Hey I've Just lost an electron
2nd-Are you sure??
1st-Yes I'm positive...!!!!!
 
The patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable
The doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
The patient: Yes, but I feel nauseated. The box says on it that "Side effects include nausea"
The doctor: Ok. Ok then. Wait while I go and see about it.
 
DM said:
The patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable
The doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
The patient: Yes, but I feel nauseated. The box says on it that "Side effects include nausea"
The doctor: Ok. Ok then. Wait while I go and see about it.

:)) Lovely twist on the joke stated above :)) !
 
A lawyer and a doctor are walking in the woods when a bear starts to chase
them. The doctor says, "We're never gonna outrun that bear!" The lawyer
replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU."
 
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks 'why the long face?'

The horse responds 'I have aids'
 
Two atoms are walking down the street...
Then the one says to the other.
1st-Hey I've Just lost an electron
2nd-Are you sure??
1st-Yes I'm positive...!!!!!
2nd-lol!!! Because you lost a negative particle!
1st-No, Ive been recently diagnosed with AIDS and unfortunately my bloodwork shows Im HIV-positive. *sniff*
2nd-Oh :-( Im sorry for sounding positive earlier.
1st-"Sounding…..positive"?!
2nd-……..
1st-hahahaha
2nd-AHAHAHAHHAH
1st-AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
 
Awesome Anjum said:
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks 'why the long face?'

The horse responds 'I have aids'
:))) :)))
 
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "why the long face Sarah Jessica Parker?"
 
A recent survey showed that the nine out of ten doctors who
preferred Camels have switched back to women
 
Hussein_0216 walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Here's your martini. I hope you're enjoying yourself"

hussein_0216 says "Dont worry, I'm having a blast"
 
WasimG said:
Hussein_0216 walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Here's your martini. I hope you're enjoying yourself"

hussein_0216 says "Dont worry, I'm having a blast"

LOL :)) !
 
A: Knock knock
A: Knock knock
(walks away)
 
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A: Knock knock
B: Who's there?
A: This is the T-1000
B: ................. I don't have John Conner!
A: My mission parameters have changed.
 
this is a childhood joke

ant and elephant are playing hide and seek.

the elephant hides first. the ant is counting 1-2-3..........10

the elephant hides behind a coconut tree. but the ant somehow manages to find the elephant.

the baffled elephant asks the ant how he could find him out when he hid behind the coconut tree.

the ant replies "talent".

now its the ants turn to hide. the elephant starts counting 1-2-3........10

still the elephant finds out the ant hid inside a temple.

the ant asks him how was that possible. to this the elephant replies he saw the ants chappal outside the temple.
 
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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympics team?

A: Because every Mexican who can run, jump and swim is already in the US.
 
What happened to the human being when he fell off the tree?

He died.
 
What happened to the ox when it fell off the tree?

He died.
 
What happened to the picture of health when he fell off the tree?

He died.
 
What happened to the 28 year old, wealthy, intelligent athlete with a young family when he fell of the tree?

He died.
 
What happened to the humble, penniless stoic when he fell off the tree?

He died.
 
What happened to 'the best dad in the world' when he fell off the tree?

He died.
 
What happened to the 3rd world relief aid worker when he fell off the tree?

He lived, but sustained massive fractures to his pelvis and broke his jaw in 3 place. Later that day he died.
 
What happened when the always well-meaning, shy fellow fell off the tree?

A freak accident involving a dislodged airplane panel killed him whilst on the tree, shortly before his limp carcass plummeted to the ground, causing an ill-sounding thud.
 
DM said:
What happened when the always well-meaning, shy fellow fell off the tree?

A freak accident involving a dislodged airplane panel killed him whilst on the tree, shortly before his limp carcass plummeted to the ground, causing an ill-sounding thud.

:Owow DM you are evil.
 
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