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The Lame Jokes Thread

An Asian guy walks into a saloon and says I need to get some **** breaching done.
 
What do you call someone with no body and a nose?








Nobody Knows :kakmal
 
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep sh*t."
 
The reason you say bismillah before drinking water is because there are 3 jinns in it.

2 Hydrogens
1 Oxygen
 
Many years ago, a woman gave birth to twin sons. She and her husband,

a fisherman, loved their children very much, but couldn’t think of

what to name them. Finally, after a few days, the husband said,

“Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the

names will simply come to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the couple noticed something

peculiar. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn toward

the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter

which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always

faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Toward and Away,”

suggested the woman. Her husband agreed, and from that point on, the

boys were known simply as Toward and Away.


The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when

the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that you

learn how to make a living from the sea.” The three of them filled

their ship with supplies, said their good-byes, and set sail for a

three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the woman,

yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still

no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man

walking toward her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My

goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried. The

ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one

whole day out to sea when Toward hooked into a great fish. Toward

fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a

whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them

letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle,

and Toward was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed

whole, and we never saw either of them again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!” said the woman.
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!
 
A woman walks into a bar with a giraffe. The woman goes over to the bar to order a drink while the giraffe lies down. The bartender says to the woman, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ on the floor!” The
woman answers, “It’s not a lion.”
 
A woman goes into the local pet shop and asks the owner for a pet that can do everything. The owner thinks about it and says, “How about a dog?”

The woman replies, “No, I had a dog before. He was great but all he did was eat, sleep, and play fetch. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The owner thinks some more and says, “How about a cat?”
The woman replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything;

in fact, I’ve never seen them do anything! I want a pet that can do everything!”
The owner thinks for a long time and then says, “I’ve got it! What you want is a millipede!”
The woman looks at the owner skeptically and says, “A millipede?

I can’t imagine a millipede doing everything. But okay, I’ll try a millipede.” When the woman gets the millipede home, she’s eager to try him out, so she says to him, “Please clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, she walks into the kitchen and it’s spotless. All the dishes are cleaned and neatly put away. The cabinets are clean and the floor is waxed. She’s absolutely amazed.

Wanting to see what else he can do, the woman says to the millipede,

“Please clean the living room.” Twenty-five minutes later, she walks into the living room, and again everything’s perfect. The carpets have been vacuumed. The furniture was cleaned and dusted. The woman
is once again impressed.

The woman thinks to herself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This pet really can do everything.” Wanting him to do more, she says to the millipede, “Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper, please.” The millipede walks out of the living room.

Ten minutes go by and no millipede. Twenty minutes go by and still no millipede. After thirty minutes the woman is starting to wonder what’s going on. It should have taken the millipede only a couple of
minutes. But forty-five minutes later and still no millipede.
Deciding to look for him, the woman goes to leave out the front door.

She opens the door and the millipede is just sitting on the front steps. The woman becomes furious. She says, “Hey! Where have you been all this time? I asked you 45 minutes ago to go to the corner store
and get me a newspaper. Then I come to find you and you’re sitting down on the job. What’s going on?”
The millipede replies, “I’m going. I just have to put my shoes
 
MRSN said:
A woman walks into a bar with a giraffe. The woman goes over to the bar to order a drink while the giraffe lies down. The bartender says to the woman, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ on the floor!” The
woman answers, “It’s not a lion.”
Click to expand...
Hahahaha:)))
 
Maybe a bit nerdy but here goes...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein agrees to count first. So he starts and Pascal runs away to hide himself. Newton, instead of hiding, merely pulls out a chalk, draws a square of 1 meter and stands inside it.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around to find Newton still standing there. So he says 'Hey Newton, I've got you, you are out."

Newton shakes his head and says "You got a Newton in a square meter, so you've got Pascal"
 
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
 
gani999 said:
Maybe a bit nerdy but here goes...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein agrees to count first. So he starts and Pascal runs away to hide himself. Newton, instead of hiding, merely pulls out a chalk, draws a square of 1 meter and stands inside it.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around to find Newton still standing there. So he says 'Hey Newton, I've got you, you are out."

Newton shakes his head and says "You got a Newton in a square meter, so you've got Pascal"
Click to expand...

Arrgggggghhhhhhhh :))
 
Yossarian said:
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Click to expand...

:))) That wasn't lame at all
 
Yossarian said:
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Click to expand...

ahahahahahaha :))) gold. Need to copy paste this to my friends if you dont mind.
 
A college football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a maths question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
:20:
 
Yossarian said:
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Click to expand...

Do you own this bank?
 
Yossarian said:
A college football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a maths question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
:20:
Click to expand...

This didn't have any hands as well.
 
The Last Of The Stars said:
I didn't get it, ...
Click to expand...
OK, here's the explanation:
* Star player is thick.
* He's asked "What is 2 + 2"
* Coach pleasantly surprised and shocked star player gave the correct answer "4".
* Other players thought star player's answer of "4" was incorrect, and that's why they all asked he should be given another chance.
* What does that say about the intelligence level of all the other players if they all thought "4" was the wrong answer to "2 + 2" ?

Now do you get it?
 
Yossarian said:
Didn't realise you were one of the players who wanted their team-mate to be given another chance. :21:
Click to expand...

I got your lame jokes, but not this sentence, at first it looked out of context to me, but now as you have explained it, and that it's related to one of your lame jokes, so I get it now :11:
 
The Last Of The Stars said:
I got your lame jokes, but not this sentence, at first it looked out of context to me, but now as you have explained it, and that it's related to one of your lame jokes, so I get it now :11:
Click to expand...
I'm glad the detailed explanation, and the step-by-step breakdown, resulted in you getting this (your word: "lame") joke. :14:
 
Yossarian said:
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Click to expand...

:))) LMAO too good
 
Why did the octopus blush?

He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
 
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

always-wanted-to-do-this-as-a-child_o_128526.gif
 
A woman called her husband and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the storekeeper where they were. The storekeeper didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?" To which the storekeeper replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."
 
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gani999 said:
Maybe a bit nerdy but here goes...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein agrees to count first. So he starts and Pascal runs away to hide himself. Newton, instead of hiding, merely pulls out a chalk, draws a square of 1 meter and stands inside it.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around to find Newton still standing there. So he says 'Hey Newton, I've got you, you are out."

Newton shakes his head and says "You got a Newton in a square meter, so you've got Pascal"
Click to expand...

hahahahah

sorry that is excellent!
 
The people of a village in India who were extremely patriotic, decided to set up a small cinema.

Wishing to honor some national leader on the occassion, they called their cinema 'Gandhiji Ki Dhoti

Soon the villagers started seeing adverts like these:

Gandhiji Ki Dhoti mein Seeta aur Geeta
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Ram Balram
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Bombay to Goa
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Sharaabi
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Don
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Golmaal
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Khoon Bhari Maang
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Mera Gaon Mera Desh
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Thodi Si Bewafai
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Sanam Bewafa
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein The Great Gambler
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Gandhiji ki Dhoti mein Saawan Ko Aane Do
..........and so on :)
 
Need to relieve some India Pakistan tension with lameness.

Who do you call if you need your gall bladder removed?

The Indian Army. There surgical strike is so efficient you won't even know your gall bladder is gone until their DGMO calls to tell you about it :srt
 
Jin Chacha said:
Need to relieve some India Pakistan tension with lameness.

Who do you call if you need your gall bladder removed?

The Indian Army. There surgical strike is so efficient you won't even know your gall bladder is gone until their DGMO calls to tell you about it :srt
Click to expand...

What? :O
 
Went fishing this weekend as only a couple of weeks left till the season is over and in my being of tranquility this joke from my childhood came to mind for some reason.

A hunter is in the woods tracking prey when he comes upon a lost a Pandit. The Pandit says he is lost and needs to get to a certain town. The hunter says he will take him there after he's done, so they both carry on.

After a while the hunter spots a deer, he motions for the Pandit to stay still, takes aim and fires but it misses. He shouts "Miss ho gaya BC". The Pandit reprimands him sayying God doesn't like such curses and to not repeat in the future. The Hunter says OK and they carry on.

A bit later the hunter spots another dear, takes aim for much longer and fires but misses again. Once more he shouts "Miss ho gaya BC". The pandit now gets very angry and says if he does it one more time, God's wrath will be upon him and he would not be able to do anything to stop it. The hunter apologizes and they carry on.

Later on the hunter comes upon another deer who was so close that a child could make the shot. He focuses and focuses for minutes and finally shoots only to miss again. He tries to control his temper but in the end yells out "Miss ho gaya BC!"

The pandit somberly says that he had warned the hunter and now God's wrathe would be upon him. Clouds start to gather, it starts to rain, followed by lightning and thunder, a bolt of lihtning strikes from the skies but hits the Pandit instead.

There is a moment of silence until a voice comes from above saying "Miss ho gaya BC!!"
 
"You ever hear about the Chinese GodFather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand". ~ Corrado John "Uncle Junior" Soprano Jr.
 
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