The whole condolence thing in the subcontinent

[MenInG]

So recently a close relative passed away and understandably a whole bunch of people came over to pay their respects.

Of course, when people come over to your home you provide them refreshments and in some cases food as well. I don't have a real problem with that although i have heard of some visitors asking for better food!

My real issue is with what happens during these condolence visits.

In my case we had lots of people coming over, not saying much and just sitting in front of the bereaved leading to awkward silences and possibly adding to the mental exhaustion of people who have just been through the mental anguish of losing a dear one.

Worse still are people who come over for condolence sitting around discussing their day-to-day business or politics amongst each other!

What's your experience like?

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Exact same experience.

When I lost a dear loved one my preference would have been to spend time with my immediate family, grieve and share stories.

Instead we were bombarded by well intentioned visitors who did think they were helping but meant we couldn't spend time with the people we needed to, and there was the awkward silenced, repetitions of what happened to the deceased for every new person who came in and difficult conversation topic.

You add to this the challenges of segregation, requirements of people to pray and use washrooms and of course refreshments then it becomes a difficult task.

Now we of course appreciated the support but there could be a better way of expressing it. In my area in the UK some families now have set times in the local mosques for condolences. The imam announces it at the janaza to say for the next 3 days the family will be available at the mosque between asr and maghrib.

 

[Suleiman]

This is a weakness of the heart from their part. That someone passed away and you’re there talking about the game today or politics and giggling and cracking jokes. Pathetic. Just stay home. No need to go and disrespect the dead.

This is something Islam teaches.

However what it doesn’t teach is the hundreds of bid’ah and shirk based antics that go on in the subcontinental households after a passing, but they will follow those to a T!

 

[Bhaijaan]

What makes it especially tough is the performance that often comes with it. All these superficial relatives who rarely ever have a positive contribution in your life suddenly take center stage as they put on the most fascinating act of grief, pretending to care, giving unsolicited advices, judgmental comments, and worse when they try to use your vulnerability to get all the previously undisclosed information about your family & plans so they can further gossip about it with other relatives & friends.

For someone genuinely grieving, instead of getting some space to mourn quietly and process all these deep feelings privately you're just pulled into a social protocol that expects you to host and put up with all these tantrums from people you mostly despise while your heart is breaking.

Truly the toughest days of life.

 

[Tera Gawaandi]

My dadi told me all the tricks performed at afsos, janaani's do pakhandi rona-dhona. These are called 'van' in Punjabi.

One of my aunt is unable to cry, either she processes and express her emotions differently or it's a medical problem, anyways people (including my mom) judge her that she never sheds a tear so she is not grieving.

Desi's can be very insensitive and cruel to each other.

 

[sweep_shot]

I have never experienced this personally but I know this type of thing happens often in Bangladesh (in rural areas particularly).

I have seen on social media that people fought/argued due to food-related conflicts.

Why do some people act like they have never eaten before?

 

[rpant_gabba]

Lack of evolution of society.

 

[Aang_The_last_airbender]

So recently a close relative passed away and understandably a whole bunch of people came over to pay their respects.

Of course, when people come over to your home you provide them refreshments and in some cases food as well. I don't have a real problem with that although i have heard of some visitors asking for better food!

My real issue is with what happens during these condolence visits.

In my case we had lots of people coming over, not saying much and just sitting in front of the bereaved leading to awkward silences and possibly adding to the mental exhaustion of people who have just been through the mental anguish of losing a dear one.

Worse still are people who come over for condolence sitting around discussing their day-to-day business or politics amongst each other!

What's your experience like?

I think most of the posters are missing the point here. Death is an irreversible loss. It does get exhausting for the actual near and dear ones while far flung Taai-Maasi come for the high pitched crying session. It is crass and disgusting yes!
But, it does distract you from the actual loss. What can be greater than the loss of your beloved person? One is left have existential crisis and questioning the meaning of life. Presence of so many people saves people from going into utter despair at the moment. When the loss is fresh and people can lose every sense of purpose. Nothing heals the loss, if you are lucky with time it might fade but the pain will be there. BUT, ....

those crying aunties have given you something to talk other than going down the deep rabbit hole of finding meaning in life.
We need jokers to elevate us from the seriousness of life, your anger at God gets redirected towards those wailing ladies who never bothered to be nice during the lifetime of the person. Its easier to be angry at humans than at God!

 

[Red-Indian]

It's a pretty weird situation to be sure.

Us South Indians are not as expressive as you guys up north so there's less actual crying and weeping and more just sitting around awkwardly. I've recently attended a couple and it was almost surreal with all the visitors for the 13th day ceremony trying to talk in hushed voices about everyday stuff and the family quietly mourning.

Not sure it helps anyone but there is an element of point scoring - 'look how many people turned up for my mother's funeral/terahvi'. Once they're past the grieving, perhaps there's genuine pride as well - 'look how many people she touched that made the effort to travel down and pay their respects.'

 

[Champ_Pal]

It's a pretty weird situation to be sure.

Us South Indians are not as expressive as you guys up north so there's less actual crying and weeping and more just sitting around awkwardly. I've recently attended a couple and it was almost surreal with all the visitors for the 13th day ceremony trying to talk in hushed voices about everyday stuff and the family quietly mourning.

Not sure it helps anyone but there is an element of point scoring - 'look how many people turned up for my mother's funeral/terahvi'. Once they're past the grieving, perhaps there's genuine pride as well - 'look how many people she touched that made the effort to travel down and pay their respects.'

In South India death is also celebrated. It is not uncommon to see people dancing while the dead body is paraded in the street. All part of the circle of life and death. The idea is that soul is eternal and passes from one body to another as the previous body dies.

Many times relatives make it worse by their visits. I feel outside of close family members, others can visit at a later time to meet the grieving family.

 

[Devadwal]

people's even jokes and discuss day to day business and poltics in the shamshan ghat also when cremation is ongoing .

 

[Red-Indian]

In South India death is also celebrated. It is not uncommon to see people dancing while the dead body is paraded in the street. All part of the circle of life and death. The idea is that soul is eternal and passes from one body to another as the previous body dies.

Many times relatives make it worse by their visits. I feel outside of close family members, others can visit at a later time to meet the grieving family.

I've heard of these celebrations but haven't actually seen then. Our funerals and 13th day ceremonies are subdued affairs. Going to the bereaved and awkwardly expressing your condolences, eating a meal and leaving.

 

[Ball Blazer]

Totally agree with this. Condolence visits should be about offering genuine support, not making the family feel more drained. Sometimes silence with a sincere du'a is better than endless small talk.

 

[BouncerGuy]

In Pakistan, condolence visits can feel awkward when people start talking about everyday things instead of remaining silent.

The worst thing I have seen and heard once was some people being food critics.. I mean WHAT??? FOOD???

Typical stuff they were discussing (Bas biscuits chai? Koi samosay bhi nahi?). I mean wooow.... wow

 

[MenInG]

In the Middle East, they have this concept of family members standing in a row and all attendees of the funeral filing past and offering condolences to the bereaved - and that's that. I found that very useful and appropriate.

Of course, people did still visit home, but you felt that the condolence part was done well at the time of the funeral.

 

[BouncerGuy]

In the Middle East, they have this concept of family members standing in a row and all attendees of the funeral filing past and offering condolences to the bereaved - and that's that. I found that very useful and appropriate.

Of course, people did still visit home, but you felt that the condolence part was done well at the time of the funeral.

Here is Pakistan, they do that after Janaza but as you know these Pakistani people are impatient. They just gather around and try to do it first and create a mess there and then.

 

[Romali_rotti]

So recently a close relative passed away and understandably a whole bunch of people came over to pay their respects.

Of course, when people come over to your home you provide them refreshments and in some cases food as well. I don't have a real problem with that although i have heard of some visitors asking for better food!

My real issue is with what happens during these condolence visits.

In my case we had lots of people coming over, not saying much and just sitting in front of the bereaved leading to awkward silences and possibly adding to the mental exhaustion of people who have just been through the mental anguish of losing a dear one.

Worse still are people who come over for condolence sitting around discussing their day-to-day business or politics amongst each other!

What's your experience like?

My father's funeral a few years ago was pleasant, plenty of hugs, love and support after I gave the speech which I wrote for him. The only silence was when I was doing the tribute speech for dad, after that is was all love from all the folks that attended.

We had many reviews on the food provided, lots of ppl enjoyed it and asked about who prepared the menu even months after the funeral.

Each will have their own unique experiences, glad my father's funeral didn't have any souring moments for us.