Keeping ties with relatives - parents objecting

[offstump]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for some advice which I hope I can get from some of you. Over the last few years my mother’s relationship with her siblings has deteriorated. It seems to me that the issue is around really petty things and she gets offended by any comment even though it’s something light hearted. She has 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and all of them still meeting with each other in a normal way. On top of that I have many cousins and unfortunately because of her relations with her siblings, I have drifted apart from them as we don’t meet with them anymore. Now, one of my cousins is getting married and they have personally come to invite us to their wedding. I’ve told my parents I’m going but they are very upset, saying I am not taking their side and have been brainwashed by my relatives although there is no merit to this, I just want to go to the wedding and keep my relations going. At one point in the past, my relatives did not attend my sibling’s wedding so my parents feel we should do the same thing back to them.

Now, Islamically I know we are supposed to forgive each other and even if someone has treated you harshly, the solution is still love and kindness, not to treat them in the same manner. It’s also required to keep relations alive with our relatives but on the other hand I don’t want to upset my parents as they are old and may suffer from this. Any advice on what to do?

 

[Gilly]

Tell your parents that when they pass you will have no family, explain why they need to consider your position.

 

[offstump]

Thanks. I’ve told them this but they just keep saying that it’s their embarrassment or “baistee” if I attend the wedding. It’s so sad that at their age all they care about it was other people may think, which is not even really the case.

 

[Stewie]

Sounds like you are the wise one in the family. Do your thing. If they can’t put up with your freedom, too bad!

 

[offstump]

Thanks. I am someone who believes in faith and the basic tenets of Islam. I’m worried that if I upset my parents it will come back on me at some point in my life, or I will pay the price through some other way as I get older.

 

[kingusama92]

Thanks. I’ve told them this but they just keep saying that it’s their embarrassment or “baistee” if I attend the wedding. It’s so sad that at their age all they care about it was other people may think, which is not even really the case.

Tell them it's not embarrassing nor is it insulting.

In fact, they have shown your family great respect by formally inviting everyone. They certainly didn't have to. In such circumstances, being the bigger person (or family) is the way to go.

 

[Stewie]

Thanks. I am someone who believes in faith and the basic tenets of Islam. I’m worried that if I upset my parents it will come back on me at some point in my life, or I will pay the price through some other way as I get older.

I too believe in basic tenets of Islam which promote forgiveness and never to reject a hand extended in friendship. True we are supposed to respect our parents wishes and keep them happy but sometimes that may go against reason, logic, common sense and other directions as provided by Islam. So what do you do then? Follow what your brain tells you is that right thing to do... sometimes parents in old age don’t get it right.

 

[Sirris]

Thanks. I am someone who believes in faith and the basic tenets of Islam. I’m worried that if I upset my parents it will come back on me at some point in my life, or I will pay the price through some other way as I get older.

It depends on how seriously your parents take the faith but here are some interesting hadiths which you can refer to them directly.

“The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who does it because he gets recompensed by his relatives (for being kind and good to them), but the one who truly maintains the bonds of kinship is the one who persists in doing so even though the latter has severed the ties of kinship with him“. [Al-Bukhari].

“Anyone who is pleased that his sustenance is expanded and his age extended should do kindness to his near relatives.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]

“There is no sin more deserving that Allah hasten the punishment in this world, in addition to what is stored up for him in the Hereafter – than injustice and severing the ties of kinship.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

"The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise." [Al-Bukhari 5984]

“It is not permissible for a man to forsake his Muslim brother for more than three days, each of them turning away from the other when they meet. The better of them is the one who gives the greeting of salaam first.” [Al-Bukahri 5727, Muslim 2560]

“The foremost claim to loving kindness and thoughtful attention on you is of your mother, and, then, of your father, and then, grade by grade, of the other relatives.” [Al-Bukhari]

For you the matter is simple, your parents are asking you to disobey the commands of Allah hence

"There is no obedience to any human being if it involves sin; obedience is only in that which is right and proper.” [Al-Bukhari 7257]

If your parents get upset over you doing the rightbthing Indont think any harm would come to you from religious reasoning.

From family politics point of view I'd say it was a big step from your relatives to invite your family personally to the wedding when in reality they could have just done the formality of only sending an invitation card. They had to swallow their ego to to do so and risked getting rejected and humiliated. Therefore your parents are clearly the stubborn party in this conflict.

 

[LongHorn]

I get his parents point. If they had invited said relatives to the OP's siblings wedding and they did not go, and now OP goes, his parents will lose face.

And in such a case there would be people on that side who, in event of OP going to the wedding, will use that against his parents, by implying "look how small minded they are, even their own son did not listen to them and accepted the invitation"

In spite of that if I was OP, I would go, but not go overboard in mingling, as in attend in good faith and respond to good behavior with good,

 

[Sher Khan]

Hmmm, tough situation bro. I agree with you the right thing would be to forgive and attend the wedding.

BUT, you attending and not your parents would look really bad on them. Imagine what others would say, that your parents are jealous of your cousin getting married. Whilst, if you don’t go it can be scrapped under the carpet as people will probably forget you guys even exist and get immersed in the wedding. Furthermore, they can also make the assumption that you guys are interstate or away so you guys could not attend.

You going alone, will have repercussions on your family. UNLESS, you can successfully convince others your parents are sick. But that will be hard to convince.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Pretty simple.

Always stay loyal to your mother. Why break her heart over cousins who wont be there for you as she will be?

Better still keep away from relatives as much as possible and enjoy your life.

 

[Bewal Express]

There is a lot of suspicion and mistrust in desi families, and some of the bitterness eats away at them.

 

[slipcatch]

Count on desi to get upset over little things and making the mountain out of a mole.

Attach respect to such petty issues that most relative live their life ignoring their own siblings.

 

[cricketjoshila]

Enjoy the wedding.

In my family the rule is simple, even if parents fight, cousins are not to be involved.