New marriage

[princeuk]

Hi everyone,

Not often I post any personal related threads in this place but I feel strongly about this and of course there will be people in the same boat as me or know of someone like me going through something similar.

I just recently got married from pakistan, im myself a british born individual but I always said to myself i want to marry a traditional girl from pakistan because they will understand certain family values that maybe a lot of girls here wouldnt (That might not be the case with everyone but was my belief at the time) and thought they have a certain type of Tehzeeb about them that I happen to like.

Whereas I am really happy I got married I am beginning to have doubts now that its to the right person, it wasnt an arranged marriage more of an introduced one but I didnt get to know her as well as I possibly could have and I feel bad for saying this im already having regrets, the girl I married is educated and is in a good job but I find her to be quite rude and maybe condescending at times, Maybe things are new and will take time to settle but im already put off by her attitude towards me. Her education, her job holds no relevence to me if she doesnt show me respect.

Some desis (Not all) have a very frivilous attitude towards the british, I dont know if its their own insecurity that they need to try and talk down to us but im finding her very negative and I thought a job of a spouse is to be positive and encouraging towards each other.....I hope things improve in time but so far ive not been impressed and i feel bad for saying this but its how i feel.....what were your experiences when first married? Did things settle down?

And now I feel really bad for saying this, I have had other rishtey that have come to us but for whatever reason they didnt work out but I have been thinking of them the last few days and thought to myself how nice it would have been had one of those rishtey worked out as the girls were very polite.

Is this bad that I have been thinking of that?

 

[Banter]

Whoa. that's a doozy.

If it hasn't been too long, I would suggest that you try to be a little patient and considerate, and see how things go with that approach. I think you should keep in mind that it is a very big adjustment to make for a girl to move from one country to another, and to start living 24/7 with a different family. It is human nature to become insecure and have difficulty adjusting. In such a situation, if you are being pushy with your expectations instead of being understanding, one can quickly get caught up in a bad self-perpetuating cycle of negative behavior and thoughts.

Living together is a HUGE challenge for 2 adults - add the "desi" context, and that probably means you have more adults living under the same roof as well. This type of situation is a pressure cooker filled with triggers for any new relationship. Especially if the 2 adults in question have made assumptions about how things are going to be like, that are now coming out to be wrong. Communication is key to everything.

I think if you fall into the trap of "grass is greener on the other side" with other "rishtey", then you will not be doing justice to your relationship and your obligations as a husband.

This is my humble opinion and suggestion - please don't take offense.

 

[Madplayer]

Damn bro, i hope it goes well for you.

But but, talk directly to her and very politely tell her , "I think you are rude to me sometimes and it is something that bothers me." Make sure it doesnt snowball into something big though. But dont beat around the bush either because the earlier you tell her that it is bothering you, the more time you'll get to find a solution. Good luck.

 

[JaDed]

I found my cousins from America being much more polite compared to ones in India , maybe you should had observed more than giving into stereotypes?

Many desis i observe in USA respect traditional art and even though individualistic have broad mind w.r.t family ofcourse not everyone, but Millenial desis are pampered in SC compared to ones in Western countries for various reasons.

 

[Pakistanian]

There's a lot of elitism/classim in Pakistan, I've noticed that girls over there tend to be kind of rude and condescending, even if they aren't rich or very educated there's just a lot of disrespect. I think in Pakistan being rude is confused with being cool.

 

[UP]

Have you consummated the marriage yet?

Maybe that will improve her attitude towards you. You do your job and keep giving her respect and space.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

There's a lot of elitism/classim in Pakistan, I've noticed that girls over there tend to be kind of rude and condescending, even if they aren't rich or very educated there's just a lot of disrespect. I think in Pakistan being rude is confused with being cool.

kinda true , Us Pakistani's do have a dark , dry sense of humor. You can see it when a bung of friends get together and start ripping on each other. I mean the stuff the gets said will make most my white friends turn red out of anger lol. We also have issues with boundaries lol.

 

[Sirris]

Damn bro, i hope it goes well for you.

But but, talk directly to her and very politely tell her , "I think you are rude to me sometimes and it is something that bothers me." Make sure it doesnt snowball into something big though. But dont beat around the bush either because the earlier you tell her that it is bothering you, the more time you'll get to find a solution. Good luck.

I agree with this guy.

You have to directly communicate to others what is bothering you and what can be done to make it better. Do it in a polite yet definite and confident manner. Don't do it in a passive-aggressive or sarcastic way. Don't make it into a nagging questionnaire like "why are being so rude? Whats wrong with you?" Instead after you had a fun time and are sharing a couple of laughs, hold her hand look her deep in the eyes and tell her there is something that has been bothering you lately. just say something like "Darling, the other day you did [this and this] which came across pretty rude and made me think of [such and such]. Instead you should be polite and be like [such and such] it is a lot more warming and adoring."

Have specific examples of incidents ready where you felt a condescending attitude. At the same time give examples and your views of how she as your wife could be more positive and encouraging in her attitude. How such a positive attitude gives you motivation in life and uplifts your mode. There also must be somethings you like about her which you could mention along the way to keep things in balance. It might come across as much to do but your top priority should be to communicate your concern first and foremost and don't be too apologetic about it. Make sure she understands you are doing this for the good of both of you and your relationship and your intentions arent to just simply pick on her and make her look bad.

You should also be ready to acknowledge your own shortcomings and mistakes when pointed out and be willing to work on them. Most likely her first reaction would be to get defensive and call out your wrongdoings. Tell her it is good that she pointed them out and you will work on them and then keep the focus of the conversation back to your original concern and have her acknowledge her shortcomings and a promise to improve.

Even though i tried to give my two cents on your problem such things are hard to address over the internet because you are a stranger and I dont know how your relationship is 99% of the time. I don't knownyour personality nor your character. No one can give you THE specific advise which will make the relationship better because a relationship is far more dynamic and no problem is an issue in itself.

I dont know whether you joke around have fun conversations or not. Someone who generally has a fun time with you and enjoys your company would be far more open to listen to your concern then someone who isn't getting much out of the relationship to begin with and has her own list of complaints. No one wants to hear about complains all the time. Perhaps you already have a enjoyable experience most of the time still i'd advice you not to neglect this part and look to keep the relationship enjoyable and give your wife the attention and a wonderful time. Do fun things together and keep things cheerful so that when you do have a concern she is more than willing to listen to you and work it through.

However in either case being direct is the way to go. All the things you told us here you should be telling her. Just keep out the dramatic parts such as being regretful and considering other options.

Sometimes people don't even know how they are behaving towards other and when you never point it out they will never know what to change. Things don't improve over time on their own unless you make them improve.

You are married to this girl the last thing you'd want to do is hide the issues that are bothering you and walk on eggshells around her. There is no reason for you to feel bad for having such issues. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a condescending person either. However before you start thinking about regrets and other options try letting the other person know and see if they are willing to listen to you. If the other person is stubborn and insists on doing things their way despite your best efforts then you can start thinking about whether it is worth having them around or not.

 

[Sirris]

A very important question: have you given her compliments in the past. Does she usually cook the dinner? And if she does have you ever told her how amazing it tastes and what a wonderful job she did? Have you expressed your gratitude towards her?

 

[PakLFC]

Compromise is what makes a marriage successful. You should have a chat with her over anything that is concerning you like her rude behaviour. This is often the case that after marriage we realise things in a spouse that we originally did not see. Traditionally Pak girls are always polite to their husbands so perhaps she is not as traditional as you think. Ask her if there is something about you that she doesn't like or if you have upset her as mostly there are at least two sides to a story. It is to late to change your decision but often such problems can be ironed out. As for thinking about other matches the grass isn't always greener on the other side. You could have had similar problems had you married elsewhere, in hindsight we can imagine anything.

 

[jaspa888]

Lay off from having kids until this is resolved, otherwise you will be trapped.

There is give and take in every new relationship, but you need to trust and respect each other. If she has a poor attitude towards you now, that is unlikely to change unless you give her an ultimatum. But she could be depressed, homesick, or have other concerns. So talk it out and find out the reasons. If you are still not satisfied, I'd be looking to finish. Life is too short to spend with an incompatible partner.

 

[khiska]

I find that a lot of people think that the first year is going to be full of bliss, in reality, it is the most testing year, not.onky are you getting used to.someone being a part of your life like nothing in the past, there are additional factors as family and surroundings. Give it times, express your concerns early just like another poster said because expectations need to be set, also avoid kids till you embark on the right journey

My 2 cents

 

[Pakistanian]

kinda true , Us Pakistani's do have a dark , dry sense of humor. You can see it when a bung of friends get together and start ripping on each other. I mean the stuff the gets said will make most my white friends turn red out of anger lol. We also have issues with boundaries lol.

Idk we also like to rip on our friends in America, idk if you grew up here but it isn't any different. What I'm talking about is the tendency of being rude and disrespectful to people we don't even know, like have you seen how people in Pakistan, women in particular speak so rudely to wait staff and sales clerks and people that are poorer than them, or elder people in Pakistan tend talk down to people younger than them, heck just go to a desi store/restaurant in America and see how they treat kids. On my visits to Pakistan I've seen people squaring up in public with complete strangers just cause they got their egos hurt. We're just rude people.

 

[Bewal Express]

Take her away to nice place like Paris for a weekend or something like that, make the the effort to really know her and make sure you subtly but firmly that she also knows your expectations. After that Give it time, if things don't improve, go with your instincts.

 

[GoUgandaCranes]

Hi everyone,

Not often I post any personal related threads in this place but I feel strongly about this and of course there will be people in the same boat as me or know of someone like me going through something similar.

I just recently got married from pakistan, im myself a british born individual but I always said to myself i want to marry a traditional girl from pakistan because they will understand certain family values that maybe a lot of girls here wouldnt (That might not be the case with everyone but was my belief at the time) and thought they have a certain type of Tehzeeb about them that I happen to like.

Whereas I am really happy I got married I am beginning to have doubts now that its to the right person, it wasnt an arranged marriage more of an introduced one but I didnt get to know her as well as I possibly could have and I feel bad for saying this im already having regrets, the girl I married is educated and is in a good job but I find her to be quite rude and maybe condescending at times, Maybe things are new and will take time to settle but im already put off by her attitude towards me. Her education, her job holds no relevence to me if she doesnt show me respect.

Some desis (Not all) have a very frivilous attitude towards the british, I dont know if its their own insecurity that they need to try and talk down to us but im finding her very negative and I thought a job of a spouse is to be positive and encouraging towards each other.....I hope things improve in time but so far ive not been impressed and i feel bad for saying this but its how i feel.....what were your experiences when first married? Did things settle down?

And now I feel really bad for saying this, I have had other rishtey that have come to us but for whatever reason they didnt work out but I have been thinking of them the last few days and thought to myself how nice it would have been had one of those rishtey worked out as the girls were very polite.

Is this bad that I have been thinking of that?

I am unsure if this thread will be allowed to stay here for long but I think the best thing to do is to talk to her directly and mention the thing that you are posting here to her.

There are so many variables in such situations that it's impossible to give any advice which could be of any use to you.

Be open, explain your expectations, listen to her side, see if you both can have a compromise and if not, a new start isn't the end of the world for anyone.

Wishing you luck and hopefully you'll be able to find a solution to your matrimonial problems. [MENTION=22846]Nostalgic[/MENTION] is btw, one of the smartest persons out here and he maybe able to advice you about something.

 

[notAgainPlease]

Hi everyone,

Not often I post any personal related threads in this place but I feel strongly about this and of course there will be people in the same boat as me or know of someone like me going through something similar.

I just recently got married from pakistan, im myself a british born individual but I always said to myself i want to marry a traditional girl from pakistan because they will understand certain family values that maybe a lot of girls here wouldnt (That might not be the case with everyone but was my belief at the time) and thought they have a certain type of Tehzeeb about them that I happen to like.

Whereas I am really happy I got married I am beginning to have doubts now that its to the right person, it wasnt an arranged marriage more of an introduced one but I didnt get to know her as well as I possibly could have and I feel bad for saying this im already having regrets, the girl I married is educated and is in a good job but I find her to be quite rude and maybe condescending at times, Maybe things are new and will take time to settle but im already put off by her attitude towards me. Her education, her job holds no relevence to me if she doesnt show me respect.

Some desis (Not all) have a very frivilous attitude towards the british, I dont know if its their own insecurity that they need to try and talk down to us but im finding her very negative and I thought a job of a spouse is to be positive and encouraging towards each other.....I hope things improve in time but so far ive not been impressed and i feel bad for saying this but its how i feel.....what were your experiences when first married? Did things settle down?

And now I feel really bad for saying this, I have had other rishtey that have come to us but for whatever reason they didnt work out but I have been thinking of them the last few days and thought to myself how nice it would have been had one of those rishtey worked out as the girls were very polite.

Is this bad that I have been thinking of that?

Give yourself 2 years. Women are easy bit they are not logical. Show respect bbefore you ask for respect.

 

[princeuk]

Damn bro, i hope it goes well for you.

But but, talk directly to her and very politely tell her , "I think you are rude to me sometimes and it is something that bothers me." Make sure it doesnt snowball into something big though. But dont beat around the bush either because the earlier you tell her that it is bothering you, the more time you'll get to find a solution. Good luck.

Thank you, Some of the comments in this thread are really good and hit the nail on the head, She is still in Pakistan and I have come back to the UK so obviously need to wait for her vis to be processed in the meantime and everybody says as she is also educated it wont be a problem obtaining a visa, im not sure if I should have this conversation with her over the phone or wait till we next meet in person, obviously some sensitive conversations are best to be had face to face.

There's a lot of elitism/classim in Pakistan, I've noticed that girls over there tend to be kind of rude and condescending, even if they aren't rich or very educated there's just a lot of disrespect. I think in Pakistan being rude is confused with being cool.

This is absolutely true, there are certain families because of their class they think they can be rude and just blurt out what they feel they can, being british maybe I have a different approach to life, I always think its nice to be nice and never in my life have I been rude towards someone, thats just the way my parents have brought me up......your right in saying some think its cool and above all acceptable when its clearly not, Ive been thinking since i got back what kind of girk have i got myself involved with.

A very important question: have you given her compliments in the past. Does she usually cook the dinner? And if she does have you ever told her how amazing it tastes and what a wonderful job she did? Have you expressed your gratitude towards her?

I have complimented the way she looks, they way she dresses, etc. She has not had a chance to cook for me as we were busy with the wedding, but where I can yes I do try and give compliments, a little bit hard when its met with brashness.

 

[KingKhanWC]

It's just a woman moaning, you are in the same boat as every other man in history. Nothing to worry about.

 

[Rayyman]

Idk we also like to rip on our friends in America, idk if you grew up here but it isn't any different. What I'm talking about is the tendency of being rude and disrespectful to people we don't even know, like have you seen how people in Pakistan, women in particular speak so rudely to wait staff and sales clerks and people that are poorer than them, or elder people in Pakistan tend talk down to people younger than them, heck just go to a desi store/restaurant in America and see how they treat kids. On my visits to Pakistan I've seen people squaring up in public with complete strangers just cause they got their egos hurt. We're just rude people.

I have had similar experiences with desis but I don't think it relates to culture, but more of the family they were brought up in.

Has nothing to do with race. There are some people who can curse their parents out just fine while some will get whipped for even a single insult. Both types are seen among all races. In which particular race it is more common, I'm not quite sure.

 

[Sirris]

I have complimented the way she looks, they way she dresses, etc. She has not had a chance to cook for me as we were busy with the wedding, but where I can yes I do try and give compliments, a little bit hard when its met with brashness.

In your last line do you mean she doesn't properly appreciates your compliments? If so she does come across as a troublesome person. Nothing worse than someone who doesn't know how to accept a compliment and she is your wife and not a random girl.

Perhaps you should start there and tell she ought to be a bit more appreciative of your compliments. There is no point in being positive and giving compliments when the other person isn't really accepting them.

 

[Justcrazy]

This is the gift of feminism. The institution of marriage is dying a natural death.

 

[Madplayer]

Thank you, Some of the comments in this thread are really good and hit the nail on the head, She is still in Pakistan and I have come back to the UK so obviously need to wait for her vis to be processed in the meantime and everybody says as she is also educated it wont be a problem obtaining a visa, im not sure if I should have this conversation with her over the phone or wait till we next meet in person, obviously some sensitive conversations are best to be had face to face.

Oh no , dont make the mistake of telling her this on phone while she is in Pakistan and you are in UK. It will become a big drama scene and she might get scared that you are going to abandon her which would be followed by her getting other relatives involved. It is an unnecessary risk which you shouldnt take. Its still early days so you should keep it as private between you and her as possible. Good luck.

 

[Itachi]

Disaster to any relationship/marriage starts with lack of communication.

I won't gonna lie. There could be multiple reasons that she could be angry.

She could feel the same feeling of "getting stucked" as you are feeling now. Hence out of frustration, you are at the receiving end.

Or perhaps if she had a past relationship, it is getting a bit rough cutting all the ties emotionally for her and hence, her attitude towards you will be rude.

Whatever the issue is, with proper communication and compromise from both the sides, it could be resolved.

My only question will be, forget her at this moment. But....

Were you ready for marriage?

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

Idk we also like to rip on our friends in America, idk if you grew up here but it isn't any different. What I'm talking about is the tendency of being rude and disrespectful to people we don't even know, like have you seen how people in Pakistan, women in particular speak so rudely to wait staff and sales clerks and people that are poorer than them, or elder people in Pakistan tend talk down to people younger than them, heck just go to a desi store/restaurant in America and see how they treat kids. On my visits to Pakistan I've seen people squaring up in public with complete strangers just cause they got their egos hurt. We're just rude people.

I guess you have a point . In general Pakistani society is not very touchy-feely I guess. Being too nice can be taken as a weakness.

 

[princeuk]

Lay off from having kids until this is resolved, otherwise you will be trapped.

There is give and take in every new relationship, but you need to trust and respect each other. If she has a poor attitude towards you now, that is unlikely to change unless you give her an ultimatum. But she could be depressed, homesick, or have other concerns. So talk it out and find out the reasons. If you are still not satisfied, I'd be looking to finish. Life is too short to spend with an incompatible partner.

I think your right in saying that life is too short to spend with an incompatible partner, but the sad thing is, you go through the whole rigmarol of choosing a partner, meeting their family, then spending a lot of money on wedding/Walima etc trying to appease people in your external family that you know dont necessarily deserve it and create a bond between two Khandan's just to turn round and think that this might not work out, Its very sad and shatters your illusion of what you thought marriage was all about but I like your points made.

Disaster to any relationship/marriage starts with lack of communication.

I won't gonna lie. There could be multiple reasons that she could be angry.

She could feel the same feeling of "getting stucked" as you are feeling now. Hence out of frustration, you are at the receiving end.

Or perhaps if she had a past relationship, it is getting a bit rough cutting all the ties emotionally for her and hence, her attitude towards you will be rude.

Whatever the issue is, with proper communication and compromise from both the sides, it could be resolved.

My only question will be, forget her at this moment. But....

Were you ready for marriage?

I was defintley ready for marriage so that is not an issue, is it to the right person though??? that is the £64,000 question, I certainly hoep so as peopel have said that first year of marriage is a testing one and it could just be the newness of it all, so lets see, one should try and be optimistic.

I guess you have a point . In general Pakistani society is not very touchy-feely I guess. Being too nice can be taken as a weakness.

Your right that some might see niceness as a weakness but should it though? Doesnt Islam say that IKhlaaq is very important, yes it does so why should this be an issue with people? our prophet was known as a humble person who was always decent to others so why is it people see people being nice in a negative way, its wrong.

 

[Varun]

If I may ask - why did you get married when you did?

Did the Aunty Brigade (TM) hold up a ticking clock and put a gun to your head to find a union by hook or crook?

 

[shaz619]

It's just a woman moaning, you are in the same boat as every other man in history. Nothing to worry about.

Best post in the thread

 

[Nostalgic]

[MENTION=22846]Nostalgic[/MENTION] is btw, one of the smartest persons out here and he maybe able to advice you about something.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, I'm afraid I'm only good for frivolous advice on such topics as stalking, pre-, post- and extra-marital affairs, aunties, pining after the unattainable etc. I suspect the OP is seeking advice of a more earnest nature. Given what a disaster my own marriage is, I'm really not the person to consult.

Wait, did I say all that out loud?

 

[King-Misbah]

When it comes to affairs of the heart, I'm afraid I'm only good for frivolous advice on such topics as stalking, pre-, post- and extra-marital affairs, aunties, pining after the unattainable etc. I suspect the OP is seeking advice of a more earnest nature. Given what a disaster my own marriage is, I'm really not the person to consult.

Wait, did I say all that out loud?

You are a funny guy but in a geeky subtle way brother.

Back to OP, you need to speak to your mrs and i believe set some fundamental rules of mutual respect. If you let me get away now then things will only go worse :/

 

[Zeshan547]

there can be a lot of factors at play here first of all how much is the age difference secondly was there any major class difference thirdly is there any major difference how both of you look and last but not the least how personalities of both of you are compared to each other are you the outspoken type are very sensitive and silent type and how is she I mean her nature,? Try to answer these questions brother then I and other posters may be able to advise you better. Best of luck

 

[GoUgandaCranes]

When it comes to affairs of the heart, I'm afraid I'm only good for frivolous advice on such topics as stalking, pre-, post- and extra-marital affairs, aunties, pining after the unattainable etc. I suspect the OP is seeking advice of a more earnest nature. Given what a disaster my own marriage is, I'm really not the person to consult.

Wait, did I say all that out loud?

We can always do with a "valid excuses & reasons why men have extra marital affairs in the first world thread" u know, with all the gluten-free excuses flying left, right, and center.

 

[princeuk]

So.....8 months on from the wedding me and wifey have been spending time with each other recently after a gap of 8 months, It feels different now that any decisions i make I have to consult someone else now, which is fine because these are now life adjustments that need to be done.

I dont feel her rudeness has melowed down, she is probably worse than before and talk about being critical, I feel that she is attacking my character on every level. She has made fun of my weight saying I am "Mottoo" Ok at first I let this pass haha ok I have put on a bit of weight since we last met but thats ok becasue it can come back off again, but over the last 5 days that the only thing I have been hearing "Mottoo" she has probably said this about 50 times or so and my actual name only 3 times.........now what am I supposed to think, that this is a term of endearment? its bloody rude thats what it is, now i get the fact she wants me to lose weight but does one encourage each other positively as we are husband and wifey now or does she get to insult me?

We went for a walk the other day and she said in Urdu, "your strange" Im like how? You dont express your emotions the way I want you to, fine maybe not so but dont some relationships take time to blossom? Thats what I thnk, im not expecting miracles from her also beacause I know realtionships take time to build, any kind of relationship can take time, sometimes friendships take time to build also, so why the pressure all of a sudden? I feel like im under pressure to perform rather than let things run their natural course. She then said is it just me or do you not chat to or do you speak to your friends much? I said that I do and I have maintained my friendships from school and University, she responded with "they must be mental".

So to put it in a nutshell, im a "Mottoo" and thats ALL I have heard from her mouth over 5 days, im also strange because i dont express my emotions the way she wants me too and any friends I have must be crazy because of my nature, I mean jesus considering we are life partners I have been put down on many different levels, there are other things that have happened also but how much can i put down in one post?

Am I being genuienly concerned here or should I tolerate such things because its the way it should be, I feel that its affected my confidence a bit as she has refused to say anything positive about me and its been negative negative negative, I feel bad for saying this but I dont think the culutural differences in this marriage SO FAR have worked.

 

[mgtow]

You don’t have kid with her which is good news. If marriage with her is proving hard time, divorce yourself out of marriage. For you it is not too late. Take this as lesson to look for next suitable partner very carefully.

 

[mgtow]

Remember your partner is 50% which is half of your deen. So deen is very integral part of life - faith. If this woman makes the deen very hard which distracts you and burdens you more than you can bear then she is not worth your time. She is very negative vibe which doesn’t help with the deen. You need to be happy, and treated with the respect. Healthy marriage is part of the deen that blossoms.

If you can’t tolerate her anymore, divorce her. GOD will understand that. At the end, GOD knows best.

 

[blackanhyellow]

So.....8 months on from the wedding me and wifey have been spending time with each other recently after a gap of 8 months, It feels different now that any decisions i make I have to consult someone else now, which is fine because these are now life adjustments that need to be done.

I dont feel her rudeness has melowed down, she is probably worse than before and talk about being critical, I feel that she is attacking my character on every level. She has made fun of my weight saying I am "Mottoo" Ok at first I let this pass haha ok I have put on a bit of weight since we last met but thats ok becasue it can come back off again, but over the last 5 days that the only thing I have been hearing "Mottoo" she has probably said this about 50 times or so and my actual name only 3 times.........now what am I supposed to think, that this is a term of endearment? its bloody rude thats what it is, now i get the fact she wants me to lose weight but does one encourage each other positively as we are husband and wifey now or does she get to insult me?

We went for a walk the other day and she said in Urdu, "your strange" Im like how? You dont express your emotions the way I want you to, fine maybe not so but dont some relationships take time to blossom? Thats what I thnk, im not expecting miracles from her also beacause I know realtionships take time to build, any kind of relationship can take time, sometimes friendships take time to build also, so why the pressure all of a sudden? I feel like im under pressure to perform rather than let things run their natural course. She then said is it just me or do you not chat to or do you speak to your friends much? I said that I do and I have maintained my friendships from school and University, she responded with "they must be mental".

So to put it in a nutshell, im a "Mottoo" and thats ALL I have heard from her mouth over 5 days, im also strange because i dont express my emotions the way she wants me too and any friends I have must be crazy because of my nature, I mean jesus considering we are life partners I have been put down on many different levels, there are other things that have happened also but how much can i put down in one post?

Am I being genuienly concerned here or should I tolerate such things because its the way it should be, I feel that its affected my confidence a bit as she has refused to say anything positive about me and its been negative negative negative, I feel bad for saying this but I dont think the culutural differences in this marriage SO FAR have worked.

This has nothing to do with cultural differences. More to do with personality differences.

1) either she is blunt and calls it as she sees it.

2) she thinks she is just harmlessly teasing you.

I don't know the tone she's saying these comments in, it may be the case you are bit of a snow flake and she doesn't realize that about you. So she may think she is bantering but you are getting your feelings hurt.

Did you tell her you don't like it when she calls you motoo?

Either way have an open conversation with her and let her know how you feel. It seems like that is what she wants anyways.

If you are still shy around her, have the conversation through the phone.

 

[Salman]

Forget all the advise above, if you don't have kids, end it while you have time on your hands, once you have kids it's all over, you may end up hating each other for the rest of your lives and only stay together for the kids sake but you will be living a lie on a very thin line.

Long gone are the days when traditional wife from back home was actually beneficial for a UK lad, time has moved on, success rate in these marriages has been getting lower and lower, 99% of the time the couples have nothing in common and will give up adapting to each others lives eventually.

Have had a few UK born family members who decided to go old fashioned out of respects for their parents persistence and culture but it's been very ugly.

 

[IAJ]

Can’t believe people are asking you to divorce here just like that. This is marriage we are talking about and not some computer game you are fed up with. Divorce is the last soulution.

The best start is to have a sincere talk to her where you simply tell her what you feel and if you are hurt YOU need to tell her. What you have told so far here are not big things which just can end a relationship, then I am afraid you or some posters here haven’t knowledge/experience of how tough marriages can get and even then people get along.

And if things get serious you need to talk to family members and friends you trust and even seek professional help. And before even thinking about divorce you can also speak to a reliable scholar who also can give you advice.

And also remember she has given up everything (parents, family, friends) and come to a total new place. This could also explain her behaviour.

Wish you all the best bro. It will in sha Allah get sorted out.

 

[PakPremi]

Forget all the advise above, if you don't have kids, end it while you have time on your hands, once you have kids it's all over, you may end up hating each other for the rest of your lives and only stay together for the kids sake but you will be living a lie on a very thin line.

Long gone are the days when traditional wife from back home was actually beneficial for a UK lad, time has moved on, success rate in these marriages has been getting lower and lower, 99% of the time the couples have nothing in common and will give up adapting to each others lives eventually.

Have had a few UK born family members who decided to go old fashioned out of respects for their parents persistence and culture but it's been very ugly.

Not a good advise marriages take hard work to make them work. There is no guarantee that you would be happy with your next partner, she could be a lot worse. All women, no matter what nationality, moan and demand more from their husbands. No two people have same feelings, likes/dislikes or attitudes - hence arguments happen even amongst the siblings all the time. One needs to judge the true nature of their partner and assess if they really love you or not, are they selfish with their needs and ignore your need, do they share their wealth with you, does she carry out basic wife duties providing you are carrying out basic husband duties etc. If answer to is Yes to some of these questions is then stick with them. Other things like the manner she talks to you or how she is always criticises you can be talked about and corrected.

 

[Omer.Sandhu]

I think most of the posters on here are not married, which is why they are advising u to quit, which is the worst possible thing that you can do. I can speak from experience and tell you to focus on the positives.

I’m your 8 months of marriage she must’ve said a few positive things to you. That is all that you should think about. Times change, maybe your first eight months weren’t what you were hoping for, but if you keep thinking the same way, your next 8 months/8years or your entire life with her might pass without any happiness.

Just focus on the positives.

 

[Omer.Sandhu]

In*

 

[srh]

So.....8 months on from the wedding me and wifey have been spending time with each other recently after a gap of 8 months, It feels different now that any decisions i make I have to consult someone else now, which is fine because these are now life adjustments that need to be done.

I dont feel her rudeness has melowed down, she is probably worse than before and talk about being critical, I feel that she is attacking my character on every level. She has made fun of my weight saying I am "Mottoo" Ok at first I let this pass haha ok I have put on a bit of weight since we last met but thats ok becasue it can come back off again, but over the last 5 days that the only thing I have been hearing "Mottoo" she has probably said this about 50 times or so and my actual name only 3 times.........now what am I supposed to think, that this is a term of endearment? its bloody rude thats what it is, now i get the fact she wants me to lose weight but does one encourage each other positively as we are husband and wifey now or does she get to insult me?

We went for a walk the other day and she said in Urdu, "your strange" Im like how? You dont express your emotions the way I want you to, fine maybe not so but dont some relationships take time to blossom? Thats what I thnk, im not expecting miracles from her also beacause I know realtionships take time to build, any kind of relationship can take time, sometimes friendships take time to build also, so why the pressure all of a sudden? I feel like im under pressure to perform rather than let things run their natural course. She then said is it just me or do you not chat to or do you speak to your friends much? I said that I do and I have maintained my friendships from school and University, she responded with "they must be mental".

So to put it in a nutshell, im a "Mottoo" and thats ALL I have heard from her mouth over 5 days, im also strange because i dont express my emotions the way she wants me too and any friends I have must be crazy because of my nature, I mean jesus considering we are life partners I have been put down on many different levels, there are other things that have happened also but how much can i put down in one post?

Am I being genuienly concerned here or should I tolerate such things because its the way it should be, I feel that its affected my confidence a bit as she has refused to say anything positive about me and its been negative negative negative, I feel bad for saying this but I dont think the culutural differences in this marriage SO FAR have worked.

are you a mama's boy? be honest in answering it. If new wife sees you being too much of a mama's boy then they may start being aggressive which she is showing

 

[Diffusion]

She probably had a boyfriend back home and is now trying to get rid of you.

 

[Salman]

I think most of the posters on here are not married, which is why they are advising u to quit, which is the worst possible thing that you can do. I can speak from experience and tell you to focus on the positives.

I’m your 8 months of marriage she must’ve said a few positive things to you. That is all that you should think about. Times change, maybe your first eight months weren’t what you were hoping for, but if you keep thinking the same way, your next 8 months/8years or your entire life with her might pass without any happiness.

Just focus on the positives.

Happily married nearly 18 years to my wife who was from originally Pakistan and i am still advising to quit if not happy in the relationship if in this very early stages of married life as the OP seems to be . People need to start being realistic and quit the moral high ground which is linked embarrassments of going through a divorce or separation, it's not like the Arab world where the luxury of a 2nd or 3rd wife is the answer to all the problems as this is nor financially possible or socially acceptable in the west.

The OP needs to look after No.1 first which is himself but also have the mental strength to cope with the situation and back his decisions.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

So.....8 months on from the wedding me and wifey have been spending time with each other recently after a gap of 8 months, It feels different now that any decisions i make I have to consult someone else now, which is fine because these are now life adjustments that need to be done.

I dont feel her rudeness has melowed down, she is probably worse than before and talk about being critical, I feel that she is attacking my character on every level. She has made fun of my weight saying I am "Mottoo" Ok at first I let this pass haha ok I have put on a bit of weight since we last met but thats ok becasue it can come back off again, but over the last 5 days that the only thing I have been hearing "Mottoo" she has probably said this about 50 times or so and my actual name only 3 times.........now what am I supposed to think, that this is a term of endearment? its bloody rude thats what it is, now i get the fact she wants me to lose weight but does one encourage each other positively as we are husband and wifey now or does she get to insult me?

We went for a walk the other day and she said in Urdu, "your strange" Im like how? You dont express your emotions the way I want you to, fine maybe not so but dont some relationships take time to blossom? Thats what I thnk, im not expecting miracles from her also beacause I know realtionships take time to build, any kind of relationship can take time, sometimes friendships take time to build also, so why the pressure all of a sudden? I feel like im under pressure to perform rather than let things run their natural course. She then said is it just me or do you not chat to or do you speak to your friends much? I said that I do and I have maintained my friendships from school and University, she responded with "they must be mental".

So to put it in a nutshell, im a "Mottoo" and thats ALL I have heard from her mouth over 5 days, im also strange because i dont express my emotions the way she wants me too and any friends I have must be crazy because of my nature, I mean jesus considering we are life partners I have been put down on many different levels, there are other things that have happened also but how much can i put down in one post?

Am I being genuienly concerned here or should I tolerate such things because its the way it should be, I feel that its affected my confidence a bit as she has refused to say anything positive about me and its been negative negative negative, I feel bad for saying this but I dont think the culutural differences in this marriage SO FAR have worked.

Just a thought , have to tried talking to her about your feeling instead of getting advise from random internet strangers ?. From whatever you have told us so far it seems like you wanted a meek- kind of girl and you got one with a personality! . Maybe she just has a dark sense of humor, People call people motto in Pakistan all the time . Its not as big a deal as it is in the west . Maybe have a heart to heart with her and see how that goes.

 

[srh]

Just a thought , have to tried talking to her about your feeling instead of getting advise from random internet strangers ?. From whatever you have told us so far it seems like you wanted a meek- kind of girl and you got one with a personality! . Maybe she just has a dark sense of humor, People call people motto in Pakistan all the time . Its not as big a deal as it is in the west . Maybe have a heart to heart with her and see how that goes.

a British born and bred person should marry someone from Britain; his decision was wrong in the first place but now that he has taken the decision, he must try to get the relationship working instead of giving up so soon; what i have seen is its almost always in man's hand to make a marriage successful

 

[offstump]

From what I'm reading you are not really telling us if you have actually had a meaningful conversation with your wife about her behaviour and how it affects you. We are hearing that she calls you names and says you're strange but have you asked her why? You need to try to understand why she is saying this; many times women from pakistan call their husbands "mottoo" as a sign of endearment not because she is making fun of how you look. It's time to have deeper conversations, if she thinks you're strange ask her why and to provide examples of such behaviour. Then you can explain why you were acting that way.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

a British born and bred person should marry someone from Britain; his decision was wrong in the first place but now that he has taken the decision, he must try to get the relationship working instead of giving up so soon; what i have seen is its almost always in man's hand to make a marriage successful

I agree but guys here have this mentality that girls brought up here are sluts and they should marry a nice virgin girl from back home who doubles as a house maid for their families as well . I know guys that partied and slept around all their lives , had some serious relationships as well but when it came time to get married and start a family , they got married back home . Most of those marriages do work too BTW.

 

[Savak]

This thread epitomizes the white knight wannabe nature of educated, middle class, upper middle class, elite Pakistani men. Not a single thread has condemned the deliberate behaviour of the guy's wife against him, he has for the most part been told to suck it up and to continue to linger on in an unhappy marriage. I can bet my bottom dollar if we reverse the roles here if it was the guy constantly mocking, making fun of his wife, calling him ajeeb, making fun of her weight, the entire female brigade would be telling her to leave her evil oppressive husband. But here you have guys condescending, making merry of the guys predicament.

To the OP, life is to short to keep wasting on a spouse you cannot tolerate, only you know your situation best and what is the level of love and compatibility with your spouse and how she feels about you.

If you leave an inappropriate behaviour, attitude uncorrected, it will always be fester. Hence for starters you need to take charge and tell her to cut the **** out. She probably feels and takes for granted that you don't have any other options hence she can continue to treat you like crap hence you need to start giving her ultimatums that if she doesn't start correcting her behavior you will not hesitate to chuck her out of your life and if your folks tell you otherwise you tell them that this is how it's going to be from now on.

You never know, there might be someone else out there who will be hundred percent more compatible for you and will also love you. Sticking with this woman who is making your life hell will deprive you off that. My mamu spent 18 years in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage which he wanted to end 5-6 times but was stopped by his parents, siblings under the pretext of guzzara Karo. His major source of depression now is the fact that had he had the guts to take this step when he was in his thirties, he could have found a more compatible, second spouse

 

[Omer.Sandhu]

Happily married nearly 18 years to my wife who was from originally Pakistan and i am still advising to quit if not happy in the relationship if in this very early stages of married life as the OP seems to be . People need to start being realistic and quit the moral high ground which is linked embarrassments of going through a divorce or separation, it's not like the Arab world where the luxury of a 2nd or 3rd wife is the answer to all the problems as this is nor financially possible or socially acceptable in the west.

The OP needs to look after No.1 first which is himself but also have the mental strength to cope with the situation and back his decisions.

That’s good to know. But in 18 years of your marriage u must’ve had ups and downs, and if u would’ve given up on ur wife, u wouldn’t be proudly saying that u have been married for 18 years.
In this particular case, we are reading just one side of the story. I’m sure the OP is a good person but there could be issues his wife could be facing as well. There is no harm in looking at the positives and trying to make it work. That is the sensible thing to do as it is too early to be even thinking about a divorce.

 

[KingKhanWC]

A wife has a right to point out if her husband is overweight. OP should try getting into the gym and eating less carbs.

 

[Rayyman]

This thread epitomizes the white knight wannabe nature of educated, middle class, upper middle class, elite Pakistani men. Not a single thread has condemned the deliberate behaviour of the guy's wife against him, he has for the most part been told to suck it up and to continue to linger on in an unhappy marriage. I can bet my bottom dollar if we reverse the roles here if it was the guy constantly mocking, making fun of his wife, calling him ajeeb, making fun of her weight, the entire female brigade would be telling her to leave her evil oppressive husband. But here you have guys condescending, making merry of the guys predicament.

To the OP, life is to short to keep wasting on a spouse you cannot tolerate, only you know your situation best and what is the level of love and compatibility with your spouse and how she feels about you.

If you leave an inappropriate behaviour, attitude uncorrected, it will always be fester. Hence for starters you need to take charge and tell her to cut the **** out. She probably feels and takes for granted that you don't have any other options hence she can continue to treat you like crap hence you need to start giving her ultimatums that if she doesn't start correcting her behavior you will not hesitate to chuck her out of your life and if your folks tell you otherwise you tell them that this is how it's going to be from now on.

You never know, there might be someone else out there who will be hundred percent more compatible for you and will also love you. Sticking with this woman who is making your life hell will deprive you off that. My mamu spent 18 years in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage which he wanted to end 5-6 times but was stopped by his parents, siblings under the pretext of guzzara Karo. His major source of depression now is the fact that had he had the guts to take this step when he was in his thirties, he could have found a more compatible, second spouse

Agree 100% with Savak here

OP's story is heartbreaking. Poor guy seems to have married a 10 year old in an adult's body.

 

[sweep_shot]

I think key here is communication.

First try to understand why wife is being rude. If there is a valid reason, try to fix the problem.

If wife is being rude for no good reason, warn her. If problem persists, divorce is always an option.

 

[sweep_shot]

Also, I think that marrying someone from back home is risky. It is because they have different mindsets (culture, thought process etc.).

It is better to marry from the same country you live in.

 

[Bilal_103]

I get the vibe that OP is being timid and his wife is trying to get through to him. Maybe you guys should have a heart to heart conversation and see where you both stand and what you guys expect from each other.

 

[Usman]

a British born and bred person should marry someone from Britain; his decision was wrong in the first place but now that he has taken the decision, he must try to get the relationship working instead of giving up so soon; what i have seen is its almost always in man's hand to make a marriage successful

Also, I think that marrying someone from back home is risky. It is because they have different mindsets (culture, thought process etc.).

It is better to marry from the same country you live in.

I am not sure that the position is as clear cut as this. The reality is that there are plenty of Brits married to someone from Pakistan who are perfectly happy. To say that it is a 'mistake' to marry someone from Pakistan is wrong.

The other point is this. We are a minority in this country which means, that when it comes to finding a spouse, our choices are limited. So when you're looking for someone in a minority population, with a decent upbringing and attitude, from a similar background to yourself, you really do find yourself looking for a needle in a haystack. It is no wonder people look to Pakistan.

In addition, the OP describes problems in his marriage. Similar problems can exist in all marriages, regardless of where the spouse is from.

[MENTION=139471]princeuk[/MENTION] - some sensible posters have said this to you need to follow their advice. You must pluck up the courage to speak to your wife about how you feel. I know that human instinct is sometimes to procrastinate, to not deal with the issue and to hope it goes away. However problems get worse when you do nothing. You need to have that conversation with her. Inshallah she will respond positively and you will have a life long happy marriage. Above all else, don't get yourself upset over this Tackle this head on and inshallah you will be fine.

 

[Savak]

I am surprised the OP has not had the discussion with his wife in the 8 months he has been married to her. Normally when someone annoys me, it takes me a week or two before I let it known

 

[Pakpak]

This has nothing to do with cultural differences. More to do with personality differences.

1) either she is blunt and calls it as she sees it.

2) she thinks she is just harmlessly teasing you.

I don't know the tone she's saying these comments in, it may be the case you are bit of a snow flake and she doesn't realize that about you. So she may think she is bantering but you are getting your feelings hurt.

Did you tell her you don't like it when she calls you motoo?

Either way have an open conversation with her and let her know how you feel. It seems like that is what she wants anyways.

If you are still shy around her, have the conversation through the phone.

Can’t believe people are asking you to divorce here just like that. This is marriage we are talking about and not some computer game you are fed up with. Divorce is the last soulution.

The best start is to have a sincere talk to her where you simply tell her what you feel and if you are hurt YOU need to tell her. What you have told so far here are not big things which just can end a relationship, then I am afraid you or some posters here haven’t knowledge/experience of how tough marriages can get and even then people get along.

And if things get serious you need to talk to family members and friends you trust and even seek professional help. And before even thinking about divorce you can also speak to a reliable scholar who also can give you advice.

And also remember she has given up everything (parents, family, friends) and come to a total new place. This could also explain her behaviour.

Wish you all the best bro. It will in sha Allah get sorted out.

The only two common sense advice in this thread.

 

[Pakpak]

A wife has a right to point out if her husband is overweight. OP should try getting into the gym and eating less carbs.

Gold

 

[Savak]

Yawn at the advice, try and have a sincere talk with her as if people assume that the OP is a bacha who hasn't tried it. Boring responses

 

[predictablyunpredictable]

I think I know people like your wife. I have this colleague from the university, she recently got married and cropped her husband out of the wedding picture. Her husband seems like a nice person, he comments on her pictures telling how good she looks and her replies are like I know and also pictures of her honeymoon were mostly her pictures. When husband asked where his pictures were, she was liike post your pictures on your timeline. All this is happening in public, social media. It is very cringy, to say the least. She used to be a decent person but something happened to her during the last year of medical school. She got kinda arrogant and started behaving wierdly. I hope your wife ain't as bad as her.

 

[Theo_14]

We can never judge your situation because we are not there to visually see this. How you describe it may be completely different to how your wife is saying it; other words... Could be the desi banter.

All one can do is share their past experiences.

I think you are a sensitive person and that is absolutely normal. I also think you need to sit down with her and express what bothers you; keeping things inside will only make you overthink negative things. Share your principles with her.

What you mention is part of marriage - it is very common; when you start to handle situations with that in mind and not divorce etc then you will find it very easy to approach her and express your concerns.

The basic is a man must understand that a woman will have her ups and down - what the man needs to do first is understand it, any concerns then simply communicate about it in a diplomat and mature manner. You both are guidance for each other.

Please don’t listen to anyone suggesting divorce - if she calls you fat as a joke, take it as a joke - if she means it, then she is being honest and one can work out.

She is your wife. I also think you shouldn’t disclose every detail of your concerns on a forum.

But don’t worry you will be fine; just be approachable and deal with the intention to mediate in a diplomat manner; be honest about your concerns. Communicate & emotional intelligence.

 

[uberkoen]

This is only one side of the story and honestly if this person gets offended over being called motto he is really soft and probably a mama's boy.

 

[Halaribo]

This thread epitomizes the white knight wannabe nature of educated, middle class, upper middle class, elite Pakistani men. Not a single thread has condemned the deliberate behaviour of the guy's wife against him, he has for the most part been told to suck it up and to continue to linger on in an unhappy marriage. I can bet my bottom dollar if we reverse the roles here if it was the guy constantly mocking, making fun of his wife, calling him ajeeb, making fun of her weight, the entire female brigade would be telling her to leave her evil oppressive husband. But here you have guys condescending, making merry of the guys predicament.

To the OP, life is to short to keep wasting on a spouse you cannot tolerate, only you know your situation best and what is the level of love and compatibility with your spouse and how she feels about you.

If you leave an inappropriate behaviour, attitude uncorrected, it will always be fester. Hence for starters you need to take charge and tell her to cut the **** out. She probably feels and takes for granted that you don't have any other options hence she can continue to treat you like crap hence you need to start giving her ultimatums that if she doesn't start correcting her behavior you will not hesitate to chuck her out of your life and if your folks tell you otherwise you tell them that this is how it's going to be from now on.

You never know, there might be someone else out there who will be hundred percent more compatible for you and will also love you. Sticking with this woman who is making your life hell will deprive you off that. My mamu spent 18 years in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage which he wanted to end 5-6 times but was stopped by his parents, siblings under the pretext of guzzara Karo. His major source of depression now is the fact that had he had the guts to take this step when he was in his thirties, he could have found a more compatible, second spouse

To be honest, you're one of the last people on here anyone should be taking relationship advice from.

The next lot to be ignored are the bachelors invoking OP to channel Johnny Bravo.

OP, she's your wife. Talk to her. If your wife can't call you Motu, then who can?

To me it sounds like you went over to marry a door mat and came back with someone with a personality, which has thrown you off.

I'm not saying you don't have valid points, but so far, we only hear your side of the story.

Any rational person, with the info available and being objective, can only advise you that you need to be mature about this and have some dialogue with her. Remember, she chose you as well, it's not like you alone are God's gift to women. Try and get back to that and ask her playful questions that can rekindle some of the fun and excitement of when you got married. Then talk to her openly about how you sometimes feel.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I agree but guys here have this mentality that girls brought up here are sluts and they should marry a nice virgin girl from back home who doubles as a house maid for their families as well . I know guys that partied and slept around all their lives , had some serious relationships as well but when it came time to get married and start a family , they got married back home . Most of those marriages do work too BTW.

Maybe some guys have that attitude, but the majority of guys from US who marry someone from Pakistan have no preference between the girls here and the ones in Pakistan. And so when there parents show them potential options, they will have a much bigger pool to choose from in Pakistan. If your parents have relatives in Pakistan you will have at least a 10 to 1 ratio for potential options.

And a guy who at best can get a 6/10, who is educated and from a good family of in the US, might be able to get a 8/10 in Pakistan who is educated and also from a good family, who will also probably be younger.

In an arranged marriage there is no love, its based on practicality. If you don't have an issue with the cultural differences, then there is no harm in considering options from back home as well.

 

[Pakpak]

To be honest, you're one of the last people on here anyone should be taking relationship advice from.

The next lot to be ignored are the bachelors invoking OP to channel Johnny Bravo.

OP, she's your wife. Talk to her. If your wife can't call you Motu, then who can?

To me it sounds like you went over to marry a door mat and came back with someone with a personality, which has thrown you off.

I'm not saying you don't have valid points, but so far, we only hear your side of the story.

Any rational person, with the info available and being objective, can only advise you that you need to be mature about this and have some dialogue with her. Remember, she chose you as well, it's not like you alone are God's gift to women. Try and get back to that and ask her playful questions that can rekindle some of the fun and excitement of when you got married. Then talk to her openly about how you sometimes feel.

Pretty much this. OP If she called you motoo first and I mean if you didn't like it just tell her you don't like it. Why complain and sulk like a teenager? I don't understand why you're here when instead of us you should be talking to your spouse(!)

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

I think I know people like your wife. I have this colleague from the university, she recently got married and cropped her husband out of the wedding picture. Her husband seems like a nice person, he comments on her pictures telling how good she looks and her replies are like I know and also pictures of her honeymoon were mostly her pictures. When husband asked where his pictures were, she was liike post your pictures on your timeline. All this is happening in public, social media. It is very cringy, to say the least. She used to be a decent person but something happened to her during the last year of medical school. She got kinda arrogant and started behaving wierdly. I hope your wife ain't as bad as her.

Damn that's just sad !

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

Maybe some guys have that attitude, but the majority of guys from US who marry someone from Pakistan have no preference between the girls here and the ones in Pakistan. And so when there parents show them potential options, they will have a much bigger pool to choose from in Pakistan. If your parents have relatives in Pakistan you will have at least a 10 to 1 ratio for potential options.

And a guy who at best can get a 6/10, who is educated and from a good family of in the US, might be able to get a 8/10 in Pakistan who is educated and also from a good family, who will also probably be younger.

In an arranged marriage there is no love, its based on practicality. If you don't have an issue with the cultural differences, then there is no harm in considering options from back home as well.

You do make a good point , it all depends I guess. Like I said , Its not like those marriages are failing , I know a bunch that are working just fine . I know this once guy who can barely string together a sentence of punjabi or urdu and his wife when she got here only spoke punjabi . Nice guy with a prety high paying job too . I don't know how but they make it work .

 

[Savak]

This thread makes me feel sad and want to kill myself. Here we have a guy complaining about the fact his wife mistreats him and disrespects him and he has clearly mentioned that it bothers him.

I am pretty certain he has perhaps talked to her about it and she has paid no heed and is carrying on to disrespect him even more than before. This is clearly a character and upbringing issue because no person with a touch of sensitivity, heart and love will carry on making fun of another person if it bothers them. How would the guy's over here feel if someone was treating their sister like this?

And here we have 95% of people telling him the most obvious things ie talk to her, sit down with her, work it out with her etc as if he hasn't done or tried it before.

Unless the OP proves me wrong or clarifies I am going to assume that he has spoken to her but she continues with her behaviour, conduct as if it's her right and he is not very happy with the marriage otherwise why would he post about the problem here. You have the right to make your decisions and whether you wish to be with this person for the rest of your life or not, we are not there to fully assess what is going on.

 

[Pakpak]

This thread makes me feel sad and want to kill myself. Here we have a guy complaining about the fact his wife mistreats him and disrespects him and he has clearly mentioned that it bothers him.

I am pretty certain he has perhaps talked to her about it and she has paid no heed and is carrying on to disrespect him even more than before. This is clearly a character and upbringing issue because no person with a touch of sensitivity, heart and love will carry on making fun of another person if it bothers them. How would the guy's over here feel if someone was treating their sister like this?

And here we have 95% of people telling him the most obvious things ie talk to her, sit down with her, work it out with her etc as if he hasn't done or tried it before.

Unless the OP proves me wrong or clarifies I am going to assume that he has spoken to her but she continues with her behaviour, conduct as if it's her right and he is not very happy with the marriage otherwise why would he post about the problem here. You have the right to make your decisions and whether you wish to be with this person for the rest of your life or not, we are not there to fully assess what is going on.

Its clear he hasn't spoken to her. No sane person, even friends, would otherwise call anyone names for 8 straight months if they have been told not to. Much less a spouse. And he's given no indication he's talked to anything with her at all. So instead of coming here he should be speaking to his wife. You know the person he has 'beef' with.

 

[Savak]

Its clear he hasn't spoken to her. No sane person, even friends, would otherwise call anyone names for 8 straight months if they have been told not to. Much less a spouse. And he's given no indication he's talked to anything with her at all. So instead of coming here he should be speaking to his wife. You know the person he has 'beef' with.

Impossible. If someone pisses me off, I don't waste more than a day or two before giving them a piece of my mind and an ultimatum.

I suspect the OP has spoken and argued about this issue with his spouse who instead of correcting her behavior has now started crossing all limits and the OP cannot tolerate her any more which is why he has come here to get advice

 

[j_kazmi]

Impossible. If someone pisses me off, I don't waste more than a day or two before giving them a piece of my mind and an ultimatum.

I suspect the OP has spoken and argued about this issue with his spouse who instead of correcting her behavior has now started crossing all limits and the OP cannot tolerate her any more which is why he has come here to get advice

It’s not necessarily impossible. Not everyone is confident in having these sort confrontational conservations. You may be some one who’s comfortable with confrontation but not everyone is.

Plus, relationships are complicated, he may not want to have this conversation due to fear of the reaction he’ll get. He only recently committed to this marriage so he’s probably not sure what to do because it won’t look good if he breaks off the marriage so quickly.

 

[Pakpak]

Impossible. If someone pisses me off, I don't waste more than a day or two before giving them a piece of my mind and an ultimatum.

I suspect the OP has spoken and argued about this issue with his spouse who instead of correcting her behavior has now started crossing all limits and the OP cannot tolerate her any more which is why he has come here to get advice

Its not impossible really. I find it impossible that he told her not to say it and she is doing so for 8 months. The OP's way of dealing with this is similar to the Pakistani way of how we deal with issues: refuse to talk about them with people and instead let them fester for a long period of time.

 

[Savak]

It’s not necessarily impossible. Not everyone is confident in having these sort confrontational conservations. You may be some one who’s comfortable with confrontation but not everyone is.

Plus, relationships are complicated, he may not want to have this conversation due to fear of the reaction he’ll get. He only recently committed to this marriage so he’s probably not sure what to do because it won’t look good if he breaks off the marriage so quickly.

I agree not everyone confronts on day one but 8 months is a very long time to put up with something disturbing without having a standoff about it

 

[Savak]

Secondly you don't have to confront. You can start off with a nice pleasant discussion

 

[Napa]

So.....8 months on from the wedding me and wifey have been spending time with each other recently after a gap of 8 months, It feels different now that any decisions i make I have to consult someone else now, which is fine because these are now life adjustments that need to be done.

I dont feel her rudeness has melowed down, she is probably worse than before and talk about being critical, I feel that she is attacking my character on every level. She has made fun of my weight saying I am "Mottoo" Ok at first I let this pass haha ok I have put on a bit of weight since we last met but thats ok becasue it can come back off again, but over the last 5 days that the only thing I have been hearing "Mottoo" she has probably said this about 50 times or so and my actual name only 3 times.........now what am I supposed to think, that this is a term of endearment? its bloody rude thats what it is, now i get the fact she wants me to lose weight but does one encourage each other positively as we are husband and wifey now or does she get to insult me?

We went for a walk the other day and she said in Urdu, "your strange" Im like how? You dont express your emotions the way I want you to, fine maybe not so but dont some relationships take time to blossom? Thats what I thnk, im not expecting miracles from her also beacause I know realtionships take time to build, any kind of relationship can take time, sometimes friendships take time to build also, so why the pressure all of a sudden? I feel like im under pressure to perform rather than let things run their natural course. She then said is it just me or do you not chat to or do you speak to your friends much? I said that I do and I have maintained my friendships from school and University, she responded with "they must be mental".

So to put it in a nutshell, im a "Mottoo" and thats ALL I have heard from her mouth over 5 days, im also strange because i dont express my emotions the way she wants me too and any friends I have must be crazy because of my nature, I mean jesus considering we are life partners I have been put down on many different levels, there are other things that have happened also but how much can i put down in one post?

Am I being genuienly concerned here or should I tolerate such things because its the way it should be, I feel that its affected my confidence a bit as she has refused to say anything positive about me and its been negative negative negative, I feel bad for saying this but I dont think the culutural differences in this marriage SO FAR have worked.

No spouse is perfect, and marriage means that one has to make compromises. One has to accept that their husband/wife will not be the ideal spouses that you see on television.

In a marriage, some people accept that their spouses are not perfect, but instead pay attention to the positive traits. From what you write, you come across as someone who has positive attributes. You write well and seem to be someone who would love and take care of his wife if he had a chance.

It is apparent that your wife focusses on your negative traits rather than your positive traits. She fails the basic necessity of successful marriages "be happy with and appreciate what you are receiving in a marriage, rather than unhappy that your spouse is not perfect".

Unfortunately I know of no medicine for the disease of dissatisfaction. And likely it will get worse and not better with time. I can't advise you to grin and bear it, nor can I honestly say you should expect her behavior to improve with time. As you are young, you should make decisions taking into account you have most of your life to still live.

 

[Savak]

No spouse is perfect, and marriage means that one has to make compromises. One has to accept that their husband/wife will not be the ideal spouses that you see on television.

In a marriage, some people accept that their spouses are not perfect, but instead pay attention to the positive traits. From what you write, you come across as someone who has positive attributes. You write well and seem to be someone who would love and take care of his wife if he had a chance.

It is apparent that your wife focusses on your negative traits rather than your positive traits. She fails the basic necessity of successful marriages "be happy with and appreciate what you are receiving in a marriage, rather than unhappy that your spouse is not perfect".

Unfortunately I know of no medicine for the disease of dissatisfaction. And likely it will get worse and not better with time. I can't advise you to grin and bear it, nor can I honestly say you should expect her behavior to improve with time. As you are young, you should make decisions taking into account you have most of your life to still live.

I think one gets an idea after a certain time period on whether there is any hope for things changing or improving.

It's like working for an employer. The employer will give you feedback, criticism and have expectations on things improving and when things don't change or improve for the better, he will reach a point where he will let you go. Save is the case of being with a bad or unsuitable spouse and people need to grow a pair and make these decisions quick, fast before its too late when you are old

 

[Energy]

Have seen strange divorce reasons but people suggesting divorce here for being called a motu is next level.

As someone who is relatively newly married, I will advise you to just have a friendly chat with your wife. Tell her things that work out, things that don't and I am sure she will understand. It could be vice-versa, she may not like certain things about you but she appears to be more vocal in nature that's all.

There is a compromise that needs to be made by both parties because two people are not born with the same personality traits. If both sides want to make the marriage work out, the adjustment will be easier.

 

[Savak]

Have seen strange divorce reasons but people suggesting divorce here for being called a motu is next level.

As someone who is relatively newly married, I will advise you to just have a friendly chat with your wife. Tell her things that work out, things that don't and I am sure she will understand. It could be vice-versa, she may not like certain things about you but she appears to be more vocal in nature that's all.

There is a compromise that needs to be made by both parties because two people are not born with the same personality traits. If both sides want to make the marriage work out, the adjustment will be easier.

I think to downplay another person's problems and unhappiness and telling him to suck it up, deal with it, compromise is inhuman. Only he will know when that threshold for tolerance and compromise has been reached

 

[Energy]

I think to downplay another person's problems and unhappiness and telling him to suck it up, deal with it, compromise is inhuman. Only he will know when that threshold for tolerance and compromise has been reached

Not telling him to suck up, but taking any drastic decision/conclusion without having a mature decision with the spouse is not the right call.

It could well turn up that despite having a talk the partner isn't serious about the relationship and continues downplay. But that does not seem evident from reading the OP.

 

[Gayle_Force]

Wouldn’t it be better to discuss these issues directly with her instead of discussing it on a public forum?

All I can say is, If you haven’t discussed the above issues with her than you are not really being fair to her.

Communication is key to make a marriage successful.