Should a girl's parents, siblings intervene in her married life?

[Savak]

[/b]

No you shouldn’t. Both you and your sister need to act with more maturity and pragmatism. If you want to save her marriage (which you should as her elder brother) you should not intervene and sympathize with her misery.

You are acting out of your inexperience here unlike your parents, who know the importance of keeping a cool head especially in the early phase of marriage.

The guy sounds like a a******e, but to answer the question the girls parents, siblings should not interfere in her marriage, unless she asks them too. I can understand the frustration, if she was my sister I would want to smack the arrogance out of this guys face, but that will only make matters worse.

Best option for the girl in this case is to stop being submissive. Next time he criticizes her spending, she should throw his words back at him "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now".

Stop the ironing of shirts asap. if i, who is barely breaking even, can afford dry cleaning, so can doctor sahb.

"I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

Response should be that's right. And now its your turn to give me everything on a platter.

If the guys parents are good, it would be wise to stay on there good side, and complain to them when he is being abusive.

It takes time for marriages to work, so hopefully everything works out in the end for your sister. But this guys behavior is completely unacceptable, and she needs to put her foot down now.

This is the thing which has shaken my dad to the core, not just him but me as well. The impression, persona, charm this guy exhibited before marriage and the true colors he has shown within 2 months after marriage is just shocking

There are plenty of Pakistani American doctors who have married Pakistani female doctors and Pakistani girls who are not female doctors, some from well to do backgrounds but they are all living nice easy relaxed chilled out marriages but this guy has just crossed all limits possible.

My dad himself cannot believe how difficult he turned out to be in the end and he now strongly regrets relying blindly on mom's colleague referrals and should have been very insistent on knowing the family in depth

 

[Savak]

I take great exception to the comment that I am just like the guy.

That is absurd. Yes I desire the young good looking decently educated with nice home making skills (Fingers crossed people, a little premature but I think I found the girl I was looking for my entire life matching these attributes, she resembles the Pakistani actress Sana Javed and is 12 years younger to me, should have good news by the end of this year or beginning of next year when I go to Pakistan for my vacation) but I would never misbehave or habitually belittle any girl let alone my spouse

 

[Mamoon]

For someone who claims to be progressive and liberal, your mindset is really regressive. I am not encouraging divorce but talking more generally a divorce is better then living a miserable life.

However, agree with some of your other points.

I grew up in a broken home in Pakistan, so my views on divorce might seem regressive to you. However, I have first hand experience of the ramifications of divorce on a Pakistani family. It very rarely takes you out of your misery, and more often than not, you will be worse off.

Your character and personality will be assassinated throughout your life and it is going to have an impact on your children and even their children. It is a taboo in our society and you are rarely going to end up in a better relationship. Divorce is an option, but the very last one. It should only be exercised when you have given ample time to your relationship and you still cannot make things work.

However, talking about divorce a mere 2-3 months after your marriage just because your husband or wife is not living up to your expectations is extremely irrational and hasty. You can make exceptions when it is something huge like he/she cheats on you or if you find that he has a criminal background etc., but if you are going to contemplate divorce over stuff like he criticizes my cooking or how I press my clothes or because he scolded me for failing an exam, you are unlikely to ever find yourself in a successful marriage.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I take great exception to the comment that I am just like the guy.

That is absurd. Yes I desire the young good looking decently educated with nice home making skills (Fingers crossed people, a little premature but I think I found the girl I was looking for my entire life matching these attributes, she resembles the Pakistani actress Sana Javed and is 12 years younger to me, should have good news by the end of this year or beginning of next year when I go to Pakistan for my vacation) but I would never misbehave or habitually belittle any girl let alone my spouse

Every guy wants an attractive wife. The same guys on this forum who criticize for you focusing on looks would never marry someone they consider unattractive themselves.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I grew up in a broken home in Pakistan, so my views on divorce might seem regressive to you. However, I have first hand experience of the ramifications of divorce on a Pakistani family. It very rarely takes you out of your misery, and more often than not, you will be worse off.

Your character and personality will be assassinated throughout your life and it is going to have an impact on your children and even their children. It is a taboo in our society and you are rarely going to end up in a better relationship. Divorce is an option, but the very last one. It should only be exercised when you have given ample time to your relationship and you still cannot make things work.

However, talking about divorce a mere 2-3 months after your marriage just because your husband or wife is not living up to your expectations is extremely irrational and hasty. You can make exceptions when it is something huge like he/she cheats on you or if you find that he has a criminal background etc., but if you are going to contemplate divorce over stuff like he criticizes my cooking or how I press my clothes or because he scolded me for failing an exam, you are unlikely to ever find yourself in a successful marriage.

This girl is now living in America, and here in the states Pakistani girls are not shying away from divorce if the guy is abusive. Girls here are financially independent so times are changing. Also you might be unaware but its getting more common for Pakistani girls in America to marry out of the community. And i am not just talking about other Muslim ethnic groups, but increasing girls (including practicing Muslims) here are marrying non Muslim guys.

This is not to say savak sister should get a divorce, just wanted to point the difference between Pakistani American girls and Pakistani girls regarding divorce.

 

[Mamoon]

Ultimately my parents especially my dad will know how to best deal with this and I am leaving it to him and I can tell he has had enough and is now going to take charge

I am not going to sit back and see my sister go through misery at the hands of con artist.

Married life better? You bet we are going to pull her out of a miserable unhappy situation and from a wretched person. Real people take charge of their lives

Firstly, I am not going to agree with your assessment that he is a con-artist based on your one-sided presentation. From where I see it, he is not dissimilar to your sister in the sense that he is also struggling to cope with the fact that married life is not the bed of roses that he perceived. He expected all-round wife from day one and the reality check shook him. Similarly, your sister expected the same prince who treated her like a princess before they got married.

If your father thinks he is going to take her out of her misery by lashing out at her husband, he is in for another surprise. No man likes to see his wife complain to her father who then proceeds to threaten him. It is only going to make him more hostile.

If your father thinks that he will take her out of her misery by getting her divorced, he is again mistaken. What next? She will find a husband who will be perfect? No matter whom she marries, she will have to compromise and it is quite clear that you and your family (except your mother) understands what it means.

My baby sister will always remain my baby sister no matter how much she grows up. This is how close we have always been

You need to stop pampering her now and make her realize that she is a married woman now and not just a daddy’s girl or a baby sister.

 

[Mamoon]

This girl is now living in America, and here in the states Pakistani girls are not shying away from divorce if the guy is abusive. Girls here are financially independent so times are changing. Also you might be unaware but its getting more common for Pakistani girls in America to marry out of the community. And i am not just talking about other Muslim ethnic groups, but increasing girls (including practicing Muslims) here are marrying non Muslim guys.

This is not to say savak sister should get a divorce, just wanted to point the difference between Pakistani American girls and Pakistani girls regarding divorce.

You are looking too much into the one-sided story here, and anyway, Pakistani mentality is still Pakistani mentality. Unless his family has cut ties with Pakistan, her divorce is going to create problems for her throughout her life. Marrying Muslim or non-Muslim isn’t the issue here - the issue is that they appear to be hasty and irrational.

 

[Mamoon]

I take great exception to the comment that I am just like the guy.

That is absurd. Yes I desire the young good looking decently educated with nice home making skills (Fingers crossed people, a little premature but I think I found the girl I was looking for my entire life matching these attributes, she resembles the Pakistani actress Sana Javed and is 12 years younger to me, should have good news by the end of this year or beginning of next year when I go to Pakistan for my vacation) but would never misbehave or habitually belittle any girl let alone my spouse

See that is the problem which you refuse to understand. You have already painted a perfect picture in your heard. You think your dream girl has arrived. She is young, looks like Sana Javed and can take care of the house. However, unless you get extremely lucky, it is inevitable that you will find things after marriage that you won’t appreciate.

What if she has a temper? What if she is lazy? What if she stops looking like Sana Javed after a baby? What if you find out that the 12 year gap is proving to be a hindrance when it comes to mental compatibility? Will you try to compromise or will you try to get out of your misery?

If you are going into a marriage with a checklist of specifications as if you are buying a car, you are setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment.

 

[Mamoon]

Anyway, I am done here. You clearly didn’t start this thread with an open mind and want others to simply reinforce your beliefs instead of giving you honest advice.

I think you are extremely delusional about how married life and what makes a marriage work. You are still single because you nitpick every girl to the bone and you have pictured a perfect wife in your head that you want to score.

I believe your absurd impression of marriage has proved to be a negative influence on your sister who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of compromise either.

Good luck to you and your family and I hope that learn to deal with these matters in a mature fashion. I also hope that you don’t learn the realities of life the hard way after a setback. That would be most unfortunate.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

You are looking too much into the one-sided story here,

It is a one sided story but the thing is I have seen this type of story too many times before. there are some guys who want a girl who is well above them in looks, who makes alot of money, and who will take care of the housework also. They cant get this type of girl here so they go to Pakistan and are surprised if she will have will have some backbone and tell the guy to f*** off.

I know probably a dozen guys who were born and bred who married Pakistani born girls. And most of their marriages are fine. Most people have realistic expectations, but a small amount of people, mostly men are a deluded in how a marriage will work.

and anyway, Pakistani mentality is still Pakistani mentality. Unless his family has cut ties with Pakistan, her divorce is going to create problems for her throughout her life.

The girls who marry out of the Pakistani community don't care what some random aunties and uncles think.

Marrying Muslim or non-Muslim isn’t the issue here -

By being willing to marry non Muslim guys it helps girls here have more options.


the issue is that they appear to be hasty and irrational.

Agreed. Divorce should be the last option

.

 

[Savak]

See that is the problem which you refuse to understand. You have already painted a perfect picture in your heard. You think your dream girl has arrived. She is young, looks like Sana Javed and can take care of the house. However, unless you get extremely lucky, it is inevitable that you will find things after marriage that you won’t appreciate.

What if she has a temper? What if she is lazy? What if she stops looking like Sana Javed after a baby? What if you find out that the 12 year gap is proving to be a hindrance when it comes to mental compatibility? Will you try to compromise or will you try to get out of your misery?

If you are going into a marriage with a checklist of specifications as if you are buying a car, you are setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment.

Everyone has a type. It's not for others to dictate to me. Like others I will jump into it and deal with each day as it comes being fully prepared for the good and bad days.

 

[Savak]

Anyway, I am done here. You clearly didn’t start this thread with an open mind and want others to simply reinforce your beliefs instead of giving you honest advice.

I think you are extremely delusional about how married life and what makes a marriage work. You are still single because you nitpick every girl to the bone and you have pictured a perfect wife in your head that you want to score.

I believe your absurd impression of marriage has proved to be a negative influence on your sister who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of compromise either.

Good luck to you and your family and I hope that learn to deal with these matters in a mature fashion. I also hope that you don’t learn the realities of life the hard way after a setback. That would be most unfortunate.

I find the word compromise insulting when the guy in question is emotionally abusing and belittling my sister 24/7. It's easy for others to talk compromise when they are not in the firing line

 

[mgtow]

I heard about your age. I am younger than you but I have more wisdom if that is what you mean. And you asked honest opinions and that is what I offered that relates to the topic. You just don’t like the ugly truth as pointed out repeatedly while behaving like crying kid who doesn’t get his way. Chalk it up as biased or selective but that doesn’t change the fact about you.

I am certain your sister didn’t ask you to disclose her private life and neither does your brother in law. Here you are being immature wants validation against the privacy of your sister and your brother in law. No one will support you here.

Correction!!!

 

[mgtow]

Anyway, I am done here. You clearly didn’t start this thread with an open mind and want others to simply reinforce your beliefs instead of giving you honest advice.

I think you are extremely delusional about how married life and what makes a marriage work. You are still single because you nitpick every girl to the bone and you have pictured a perfect wife in your head that you want to score.

I believe your absurd impression of marriage has proved to be a negative influence on your sister who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of compromise either.

Good luck to you and your family and I hope that learn to deal with these matters in a mature fashion. I also hope that you don’t learn the realities of life the hard way after a setback. That would be most unfortunate.

Well said. Talking to savak is like talking to the wall. Umpteenth times this has been said but to no avail. I am worried about his sister given his presence which appears to be toxic and immature that can escalate into furthermore which already it is.

I think he hates the word compromise since he is from elite which should say a lot; in other word; burger as reference to spoiled Imranistan. No offence.

 

[King-Misbah]

I take great exception to the comment that I am just like the guy.

That is absurd. Yes I desire the young good looking decently educated with nice home making skills (Fingers crossed people, a little premature but I think I found the girl I was looking for my entire life matching these attributes, she resembles the Pakistani actress Sana Javed and is 12 years younger to me, should have good news by the end of this year or beginning of next year when I go to Pakistan for my vacation) but I would never misbehave or habitually belittle any girl let alone my spouse

Tbh you should not marry anyone who is 12 years younger. There is such a contrast in mindset that it will only lead to issues. Plus, think about the motivation of the girl marrying you? It may just be for a green card, money etc I am 28 and would never marry anyone below 23,24.

 

[mgtow]

Everyone has a type. It's not for others to dictate to me. Like others I will jump into it and deal with each day as it comes being fully prepared for the good and bad days.

And that type is called grown up. You are man child who wants specific order as if it comes from the factory. You may have better luck with robot woman due to latest developments which to the point they are almost life-like now.

 

[Mamoon]

Well said. Talking to savak is like talking to the wall. Umpteenth times this has been said but to no avail. I am worried about his sister given his presence which appears to be toxic and immature that can escalate into furthermore which already it is.

I think he hates the word compromise since he is from elite which should say a lot; in other word; burger as reference to spoiled Imranistan. No offence.

I have the same social background. I believe it has more to do with life experiences than the class you belong to or your political views. Savak doesn’t have elder siblings who are married and he probably never witnessed any personality clash between his parents. He has an idealistic impression of marriage and doesn’t fully appreciate the fact that you have to make sacrifices and change your personality to a certain degree. That is why I hope he doesn’t learn it the hard way.

 

[Mamoon]

I find the word compromise insulting when the guy in question is emotionally abusing and belittling my sister 24/7. It's easy for others to talk compromise when they are not in the firing line

Have you considered talking to her husband without threatening him physically? Why don’t you for one moment consider that there might be a possibility that your sister is being irrational and her husband is not exactly the villain she is portraying him to be? Yes she is your sister and obviously you love and care deeply for her, but that does not mean that she is perfect.

Perhaps if you talk to her husband you might learn a thing or two that would surprise you. Remember, you can only clap with two hands. It sounds very far-fetched that he has turned into a monster after marriage overnight and your sister has not played any role in it.

 

[mgtow]

Every guy wants an attractive wife. The same guys on this forum who criticize for you focusing on looks would never marry someone they consider unattractive themselves.

The key to marriage is to never marry woman for look. Period.

Look for the woman who is smart and understanding. It is not date. It is marriage for life. That way life gets easier if you have understanding between each other with the inclusion of compromise in marriage life that provides flexibility.

Life is marathon. Marriage is compromise. Death is relief. That is all I can say.

 

[Mamoon]

Everyone has a type. It's not for others to dictate to me. Like others I will jump into it and deal with each day as it comes being fully prepared for the good and bad days.

No one is dictating you. If you think you have found your life partner because she looks like Sana Javed than that is your call, but I simply warning you of the inevitable. Stop typecasting individuals and throw away of your checklist of the things you want to see in your spouse.

Go with the flow and try to deal with the fact that not everything about her will be to your liking and vice-versa. It is great that you are prepared for good and bad days, but you don’t seem to impart this sensible advice to your sister who clearly needs it.

 

[mgtow]

I have the same social background. I believe it has more to do with life experiences than the class you belong to or your political views. Savak doesn’t have elder siblings who are married and he probably never witnessed any personality clash between his parents. He has an idealistic impression of marriage and doesn’t fully appreciate the fact that you have to make sacrifices and change your personality to a certain degree. That is why I hope he doesn’t learn it the hard way.

I am afraid he is gonna learn the hard way. I know people like him so stubborn and so egoist that’s eventually the life will catch up with him in worst ways. Seen like this in my family. It is unbearable.

Unfortunately, I am already casted as villain since I meant well for him. But that guy is gone too far to the delusional worlds considering he is older than me and yet to gain maturity.

 

[amvbfm]

Anyway, I am done here. You clearly didn’t start this thread with an open mind and want others to simply reinforce your beliefs instead of giving you honest advice.

I think you are extremely delusional about how married life and what makes a marriage work. You are still single because you nitpick every girl to the bone and you have pictured a perfect wife in your head that you want to score.

I believe your absurd impression of marriage has proved to be a negative influence on your sister who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of compromise either.

Good luck to you and your family and I hope that learn to deal with these matters in a mature fashion. I also hope that you don’t learn the realities of life the hard way after a setback. That would be most unfortunate.

Had the OP been looking for genuine advice he couldn't have asked for any better than what you have offered in your many posts here.

Regardless of what the actual situation is (always impossible to judge any issue, and more importantly marital issues without hearing out both sides) restraint is ALWAYS the best course of action. Anger and obduracy are the greatest hurdles in such situations and unfortunately most couples and their support systems stoke the flames instead of trying for deescalation.

It is always best that couples try to solve their own problems and not involve their families as a lot of times their squabbles or differences are extremely petty in nature and only appear grievous in the heat of the moment. But when families get involved things tend to get out of hand as people who weren't there judge based on their biased perceptions (usually in favor of their own) and validate negative behaviors. Often the immaturity or hotheadedness of a family member ruins things that could've been handled easily by the couples themselves. I totally agree with all who have posted in favor of non-intervention and counselling.

To people who have been advising divorce, i hope you aren't married and if you are you would apply the same to your own marriages. Divorce should always be an option but only be exercised when everything else has failed. In this case i can't see how things are bad enough to merit such an extreme step. It is probably just the immaturity of the couple and the overzealousness/love of the family that things are being blown out of proportion. Don't think there is anything here that cannot be solved with a bit of counselling and maturity.

While sometimes I do empathize with Savak's problems, generally he comes across as extremely naive which is probably a result of his sheltered upbringing. My last advice to him would be to desist from posting such personal issues on public forums as anonymity here is always an illusion. Anyone with some skill could easily piece together the endless stream of private information he has left here.

 

[Mamoon]

As far as the looks factor is concerned, it is indeed true that no one wants to marry someone unattractive. However, if that is your only priority than you are going to struggle for happiness and comfort in your marriage.

The first trait that Savak highlighted in his potential spouse is that ”she looks like Sana Javed”, which clearly indicates his priorities in order. Looks are important but they should never be the #1 factor. The looks novelty will wear off soon and it is not something that will lost forever. Physical relationship is not everything.

 

[Mamoon]

Had the OP been looking for genuine advice he couldn't have asked for any better than what you have offered in your many posts here.

Regardless of what the actual situation is (always impossible to judge any issue, and more importantly marital issues without hearing out both sides) restraint is ALWAYS the best course of action. Anger and obduracy are the greatest hurdles in such situations and unfortunately most couples and their support systems stoke the flames instead of trying for deescalation.

It is always best that couples try to solve their own problems and not involve their families as a lot of times their squabbles or differences are extremely petty in nature and only appear grievous in the heat of the moment. But when families get involved things tend to get out of hand as people who weren't there judge based on their biased perceptions (usually in favor of their own) and validate negative behaviors. Often the immaturity or hotheadedness of a family member ruins things that could've been handled easily by the couples themselves. I totally agree with all who have posted in favor of non-intervention and counselling.

To people who have been advising divorce, i hope you aren't married and if you are you would apply the same to your own marriages. Divorce should always be an option but only be exercised when everything else has failed. In this case i can't see how things are bad enough to merit such an extreme step. It is probably just the immaturity of the couple and the overzealousness/love of the family that things are being blown out of proportion. Don't think there is anything here that cannot be solved with a bit of counselling and maturity.

While sometimes I do empathize with Savak's problems, generally he comes across as extremely naive which is probably a result of his sheltered upbringing. My last advice to him would be to desist from posting such personal issues on public forums as anonymity here is always an illusion. Anyone with some skill could easily piece together the endless stream of private information he has left here.

Absolutely. Most divorces in Pakistani households happen because the involvement of family members aggravate the situation. If you leave the couple to sort things out between them, the chances are high that they will find a common ground at some point.

Early hurdles are part and parcel of every marriage. If people start jumping the gun over 50% of all marriages will end in divorce.

 

[amvbfm]

Tbh you should not marry anyone who is 12 years younger. There is such a contrast in mindset that it will only lead to issues. Plus, think about the motivation of the girl marrying you? It may just be for a green card, money etc I am 28 and would never marry anyone below 23,24.

Don't think one should generalize. Age is not necessarily a measure of maturity and neither is age difference a hurdle in compatibility if both sides are willing to work on the relationship. Compatibility is more about matching temperaments, and shared values and goals and the willingness to make things work.

 

[amvbfm]

Absolutely. Most divorces in Pakistani households happen because the involvement of family members aggravate the situation. If you leave the couple to sort things out between them, the chances are high that they will find a common ground at some point.

Early hurdles are part and parcel of every marriage. If people start jumping the gun over 50% of all marriages will end in divorce.

Unless a couple is completely incompatible petty issues really don't matter. What constitutes incompatibility is debatable but common sense dictates that the bar shouldn't be set so low as to make petty or occasional squabbles grounds for a divorce. In most cases squabbles in relationships are either due to personality clashes or expectations. In our desi households the latter are a major issue as a girl (more than the guy) has to manage a lot of expectations (and quite unfair in a lot of cases) and in this case as well it seems to be about expectations more than anything else. Again, the best course of action would be to listen to her calmly, counsel her and try to see if she can solve things on her own. Though I do find it surprising that they opted for this guy knowing fully well the life that their daughter was accustomed to and the financial status of the guy.

I sincerely hope that things get better for her.

 

[Savak]

Well said. Talking to savak is like talking to the wall. Umpteenth times this has been said but to no avail. I am worried about his sister given his presence which appears to be toxic and immature that can escalate into furthermore which already it is.

I think he hates the word compromise since he is from elite which should say a lot; in other word; burger as reference to spoiled Imranistan. No offence.

Nope I hate the word compromise because I have witnessed divorces among my relatives after years of prolonged marriages, dealing with physical abuse only to be told by their elders to compromise, **** when they were better off saying good bye from day one and going to a more suitable match for them

 

[Savak]

Absolutely. Most divorces in Pakistani households happen because the involvement of family members aggravate the situation. If you leave the couple to sort things out between them, the chances are high that they will find a common ground at some point.

Early hurdles are part and parcel of every marriage. If people start jumping the gun over 50% of all marriages will end in divorce.

This is exactly what budhe buzzurg do and feel. Trap their kids in unhappy marriages and destroy their lives in the process. I am glad people are now taking a stand and have the guts to not put up with b's anymore and press the D button before they totally go mad.

If you find someone unbearable to live with, someone who emotionally or physically abuses, belittles you, spare yourself a lifetime of unhappiness and find a more appropriate match. Divorce is perfectly fine especially if no kids are involved

 

[Savak]

As far as the looks factor is concerned, it is indeed true that no one wants to marry someone unattractive. However, if that is your only priority than you are going to struggle for happiness and comfort in your marriage.

The first trait that Savak highlighted in his potential spouse is that ”she looks like Sana Javed”, which clearly indicates his priorities in order. Looks are important but they should never be the #1 factor. The looks novelty will wear off soon and it is not something that will lost forever. Physical relationship is not everything.

Guy's are wired to look at looks first, it is biology, this is why you look to see if there are other good qualities as well. A bad looking spouse can be an extremely difficult spouse as well. They all get difficult to deal with at certain stages, why not go for your own choice and deal with those tough moments as opposed to facing the worst when your spouse was never your preferred choice or in the worst case scenario forced upon you, the latter is much more difficult to deal with.

I think it's better for kids to take responsibility for their life partner decisions so that going fwd if things go south, they don't blame others

 

[Savak]

Have you considered talking to her husband without threatening him physically? Why don’t you for one moment consider that there might be a possibility that your sister is being irrational and her husband is not exactly the villain she is portraying him to be? Yes she is your sister and obviously you love and care deeply for her, but that does not mean that she is perfect.

Perhaps if you talk to her husband you might learn a thing or two that would surprise you. Remember, you can only clap with two hands. It sounds very far-fetched that he has turned into a monster after marriage overnight and your sister has not played any role in it.

I was told by my sister and parents to not interfere this directly and I believe it's best for my parents to deal with this by having a conversation with his parents.

As far as the husband is concerned, I have seen enough warning signs to understand he is not the person he portrayed himself to be to us before marriage. My parents are both sensible and plenty of real life experience, for my dad to have been finally told each and every nasty thing the guy has said to my sister and for him to immediately spring to action, I have given my daughter away but I have not thrown her away and if she is deeply unhappy with him, I will not hesitate to get her out of this marriage tells me everything

Unfortunately I have zero faith in my mom, she comes from the inhuman cruel mindset that once you are married, even if your spouse physically beats the crap out of you, you just suck it up and deal with it. She does not have a good track record at all, she is responsible for my mamus 18 year physically abusive marriage when at every stage she intervened to prevent him from leaving her for the kids with zero regards to her siblings mental health. All her siblings feel she is not very empathetic. I am not going to let her impose her medieval views and destroy my sisters life

 

[Savak]

Tbh you should not marry anyone who is 12 years younger. There is such a contrast in mindset that it will only lead to issues. Plus, think about the motivation of the girl marrying you? It may just be for a green card, money etc I am 28 and would never marry anyone below 23,24.

We are in the talking phase right now. You have to offer something to the girl or her family especially in arranged marriage scenarios, this is how it works. I do well with younger girls

 

[reversehook]

It is possible to desire a beautiful good looking educated trophy wife who has good home making abilities and not treat her like crap and a servant

WOW.... really, i shudder to think of how ur sis would react when she reads this post and the other living in before marriage post above, and realizes that her own brother is a bigger douche than the one she is actually dealing with, perhaps do her a favor and do let her come across this thread, perhaps she will start seeing her husband as a saint...

all the things mentioned in op are petty things which do occurr in marriages (not saying they are right)... all the matters could be handled maturely... i wish nothing but the best to your sister inshallah

 

[nitrous]

The OP has a history of similar post every other day. Time to realize maybe it is the OP himself that is the issue ?

No judgement, but OP should stay away and only interfere if asked. His parents knows best and are more mature enough to handle issues like this.

Marriage is never easy, first few weeks/months is the honey moon period.

And we only have heard one side of the story so far.

 

[GenericBrand]

The OP has a history of similar post every other day. Time to realize maybe it is the OP himself that is the issue ?

Heck, even his family is probably aware of his issues hence they told him to stay away. This thread is and his previous dramas are paint a very good picture.

 

[Savak]

WOW.... really, i shudder to think of how ur sis would react when she reads this post and the other living in before marriage post above, and realizes that her own brother is a bigger douche than the one she is actually dealing with, perhaps do her a favor and do let her come across this thread, perhaps she will start seeing her husband as a saint...

all the things mentioned in op are petty things which do occurr in marriages (not saying they are right)... all the matters could be handled maturely... i wish nothing but the best to your sister inshallah

My sister knows my desire for a show piece trophy wife with housewife qualities, but deep down she knows i would never verbally and emotionally be little, abuse or discourage my spouse and to be honest she is learning to appreciate my good qualities inspite of my flaws and also getting a harsh reality check that high achieving, mature charming guys are not necessarily the best of people

 

[Mamoon]

“Show piece trophy wife”

May God help you and your family. You are truly lost. I hope your wife will have a positive effect on you.

 

[nitrous]

Heck, even his family is probably aware of his issues hence they told him to stay away. This thread is and his previous dramas are paint a very good picture.

Like I’m not the one to judge, but OP himself sounds like a 2 yr old.

He wants the perfect wife, and the perfect guy for his little sis, not taking into account how imperfect this world is.

 

[Mamoon]

Like I’m not the one to judge, but OP himself sounds like a 2 yr old.

He wants the perfect wife, and the perfect guy for his little sis, not taking into account how imperfect this world is.

He wants his sister’s husband to compromise even though he is not prepared to practice what he preaches.

He also expects a model, compromising wife but doesn’t expect his sister to be like his wife.

Too bad the world doesn’t revolve around his royal family.

 

[Savak]

He wants his sister’s husband to compromise even though he is not prepared to practice what he preaches.

He also expects a model, compromising wife but doesn’t expect his sister to be like his wife.

Too bad the world doesn’t revolve around his royal family.

This is where your argument is flawed. How do you know my sister hasn't made sacrifices and compromises and has done her best, in her words, she has now reached the breaking point where it is unfair for her to make all the adjustments, efforts with zilch for the other person.

I am perfectly prepared to practice what i preach, atleast i don't go about being emotionally abusive and belittling girls

 

[Savak]

Some notorious people have diverted this thread by focusing on my issues apparently. Sad but predictable, i just came here to figure out whether the scenario i have dictated is common or not. Thankfully neutral people who are not biased against me have looked at the case objectively and clearly said it is unacceptable and has to be nipped in the bud now.

 

[Mamoon]

This is where your argument is flawed. How do you know my sister hasn't made sacrifices and compromises and has done her best, in her words, she has now reached the breaking point where it is unfair for her to make all the adjustments, efforts with zilch for the other person.

I am perfectly prepared to practice what i preach, atleast i don't go about being emotionally abusive and belittling girls

When did she get married? This summer?

 

[sweep_shot]

I have never married before and I don't have any marriage experience. But, these marriage conflict stories really make me nervous.

Compromise and sacrifice are important. But, every human being has a breaking point and nobody needs to suffer unnecessarily. If things are not working out after a lot of efforts, divorce is the way to go. This is 2019 and divorce should no longer be a social taboo.

 

[Savak]

When did she get married? This summer?

Yes, its only been 2-3 months

 

[King-Misbah]

Yes, its only been 2-3 months

My brother that is a very short time frame. It takes time to understand each other and adjust. She should give it more time in my opinion.

 

[marlonbrowndo]

This is why you should have got a guy from a similar financial background.

This guy comes from a mediocre financial background and his father is a failure. Thats why he thinks he has achieved the world and thinks your sister is mediocre.

Also such families tend to believe that their ward is the only achiever and have a superiority complex. They view people of financially well off families with certain contempt as they think that these people got priviledges easily while they had to fight for it.

It sometimes helps to show them their place.

Why don’t you just say that you don’t like poor people?

 

[Savak]

Spoke to her today. She was like the guy was ill prepared for the realities of marriage, he had mainly done it because of parental pressure but he has been very resentful of the challenging realities that have now occurred where he even resents having to share his bed and room with another person, his personal belongings, his space and on top of that the declining illness of a parent has further taken a toll and he takes all his frustrations stemming from his professional life, domestic situation all out on my sister day by day and its come to the point where she just can't take it anymore.

The guy has been spoilt by his parents, his mom who has been a house wife but has thoroughly dedicated her life to her kids in terms of providing every comfort possible at home in terms of meals, cooking their favorite dishes. He is resentful that my sister inspite of her best efforts did not live up to that standard and reminds her, belittles her daily

I just told her to be strong, hang tight and let dad deal with his. She kept me out of her domestic situation for a while but now shes completely ignored my mom as she blames her for this aggravated situation as she kept ignoring her complaints and now she is reaching out to my dad and me. All of a sudden i am no longer the immature elder brother, actually i still am but in her words, your never going to be this petty, cruel, unkind to your partner

Tell me, as a self respecting father, brother and a girl? What do you expect us to do in this situation? Suck it up and let things carry on like this?

 

[Savak]

My brother that is a very short time frame. It takes time to understand each other and adjust. She should give it more time in my opinion.

I don't know, maybe my parents will try to mediate, resolve things, but the king of things that have come out, the comments that the guy has made to my sister, about her family and how he is constantly belittling her for her imperfections ignoring his own, its easy for you, me or anyone to tell her give it more time, suck it up, but she is a self respecting adult who is fully capable of making her decisions.

What would any self respecting brother do if he found out his sisters spouse was regularly treating her like this?

 

[King-Misbah]

I don't know, maybe my parents will try to mediate, resolve things, but the king of things that have come out, the comments that the guy has made to my sister, about her family and how he is constantly belittling her for her imperfections ignoring his own, its easy for you, me or anyone to tell her give it more time, suck it up, but she is a self respecting adult who is fully capable of making her decisions.

What would any self respecting brother do if he found out his sisters spouse was regularly treating her like this?

Well, I would definately give it more time. Get the elders involved for a quiet and polite word. I wouldn't definately endorse separation or divorce.

 

[Mamoon]

Yes, its only been 2-3 months

So she has reached her breaking point in 2-3 months? I am sorry but she is not mature enough for marriage if her level of tolerance is so low, and the fact that she is getting terrible advice from her brother and father is only making things worse.

Your mother is the only person in your family who is thinking straight.

In the real world people work hard for years to make their marriage work. The level of entitlement in your family is absurd.

 

[Savak]

Well, I would definately give it more time. Get the elders involved for a quiet and polite word. I wouldn't definately endorse separation or divorce.

My parents dont either especially my mom, but there are no kids involved here and for my dad as in his words "She is my jaan ti tukhree", nothing means more to me than her happiness and well being, he will not hessitate to get her out of there

 

[Savak]

So she has reached her breaking point in 2-3 months? I am sorry but she is not mature enough for marriage if her level of tolerance is so low, and the fact that she is getting terrible advice from her brother and father is only making things worse.

Your mother is the only person in your family who is thinking straight.

In the real world people work hard for years to make their marriage work. The level of entitlement in your family is absurd.

Actually i am getting the impression that perhaps the guy wants to push her away. Anyways, you are no one to talk, its not like you are the one going through it.

As far as my mom is concerned, given the miserable marriage of one mamu, the divorce of the second mamu and the fact my mamu, my khala have said tell your sister to tell everything to your dad and bypass my mom, is more than enough. Her medieval suck it up no matter how bad it gets, is not applicable or acceptable to everyone

 

[Mamoon]

Actually i am getting the impression that perhaps the guy wants to push her away. Anyways, you are no one to talk, its not like you are the one going through it.

As far as my mom is concerned, given the miserable marriage of one mamu, the divorce of the second mamu and the fact my mamu, my khala have said tell your sister to tell everything to your dad and bypass my mom, is more than enough. Her medieval suck it up no matter how bad it gets, is not applicable or acceptable to everyone

You open a thread on a public forum to discuss your family issues, and when someone takes the time out to give you honest advice which you don’t want, you reply by telling them that they are no one to talk.

If you thought that people on this forum would gang up against your brother-in-law, buy your one sided story and agree that your sister should file for a divorce after “sacrificing” for 2-3 months, you thought wrong.

Someone called you a man-child and he was spot on. I don’t want to humiliate myself further where so I will see myself out for good this time.

 

[nitrous]

Some notorious people have diverted this thread by focusing on my issues apparently. Sad but predictable, i just came here to figure out whether the scenario i have dictated is common or not. Thankfully neutral people who are not biased against me have looked at the case objectively and clearly said it is unacceptable and has to be nipped in the bud now.

When you start to ask for opinions, you need to be open minded and not get upset. When you start to dish out your dirty laundry in public, not all with agree with you, esp when we are only seeing the one side to the story.

But for your sisters and your family sake, I hope this all sorted out

 

[cric_man]

I must say, I am pleasantly surprised by [MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION] 's replies to the thread. He has presented the most balanced take on the whole unfortunate issue.

Hope the situation turns out for the better for OP's sister.

 

[mgtow]

“Show piece trophy wife”

May God help you and your family. You are truly lost. I hope your wife will have a positive effect on you.

Now you see why I am giving him reality whether he will die alone or divorced within short time frame. I wasn’t cursing him. I was giving him reality due to conclusion based on his Bollywood complex.

I can only hope that her sister steps out of Bollywood complex and realizes that if she weathers this storm, she will have relief in the long term especially with the children that will make lives much easier, In Sha ALLAH.

As for savak, he is man child as advertised unfortunately.

 

[Technics 1210]

For someone who claims to be progressive and liberal, your mindset is really regressive. I am not encouraging divorce but talking more generally a divorce is better then living a miserable life.

However, agree with some of your other points.

He is speaking from experience and I would not say it is regressive, but depressive.

 

[Savak]

You open a thread on a public forum to discuss your family issues, and when someone takes the time out to give you honest advice which you don’t want, you reply by telling them that they are no one to talk.

If you thought that people on this forum would gang up against your brother-in-law, buy your one sided story and agree that your sister should file for a divorce after “sacrificing” for 2-3 months, you thought wrong.

Someone called you a man-child and he was spot on. I don’t want to humiliate myself further where so I will see myself out for good this time.

Exactly, you are no one to talk, you are ready to buy one sided stories against Imran Khan but conveniently demand two sides to the story whenever it suits you depending on your mood. I havent agreed to anything yet but my parents and me as a sibling will support her whatever she decides as she is an adult.

Call me whatever you want, don't really care.

 

[Savak]

Now you see why I am giving him reality whether he will die alone or divorced within short time frame. I wasn’t cursing him. I was giving him reality due to conclusion based on his Bollywood complex.

I can only hope that her sister steps out of Bollywood complex and realizes that if she weathers this storm, she will have relief in the long term especially with the children that will make lives much easier, In Sha ALLAH.

As for savak, he is man child as advertised unfortunately.

Lol, i am not going to die alone and neither am i going to get divorced. Only god gives reality not simpletons like you who claims to be in a happy marriage and then talks about compromises to make it work.

Another buzurg thought of yours "She should have children with him and the marriage will get better", absolutely the worst thing one can suggest to a couple extremely unhappy with each other. Funny thing is i have run into so many buzurgs who recommend starting a family in order to attempt to make love grow b/w husband and wife and when things take a turn for the worst, they start criticizing "why did you have kids if you were so unhappy with each other, you should have gotten divorced and not had kids in the first place".

I swear to god these buzurgs just talk out of their *** and nothing else

 

[amvbfm]

We are in the talking phase right now. You have to offer something to the girl or her family especially in arranged marriage scenarios, this is how it works. I do well with younger girls

Offer something? Err are you buying something here?

 

[Mamoon]

Exactly, you are no one to talk, you are ready to buy one sided stories against Imran Khan but conveniently demand two sides to the story whenever it suits you depending on your mood. I havent agreed to anything yet but my parents and me as a sibling will support her whatever she decides as she is an adult.

Call me whatever you want, don't really care.

Imran Khan is a public figure. His life is open to public scrutiny. Your brother-in-law is not, and the only things I know about him are based on how you view him.

Since I keep getting sucked into this thread, here is a piece of advice. When you ask people for their advice, do not expect that they will say things that you want to hear. Your thread title has a question mark and I don’t know what that is the case because you are not asking a question. You are making a statement and you want everyone to agree with it.

I have a better title for this thread:

‘How to ruin a marriage 101”

 

[Mamoon]

Offer something? Err are you buying something here?

Yes, he is buying a showpiece trophy wife. God knows what that means.

 

[mgtow]

Lol, i am not going to die alone and neither am i going to get divorced. Only god gives reality not simpletons like you who claims to be in a happy marriage and then talks about compromises to make it work.

Another buzurg thought of yours "She should have children with him and the marriage will get better", absolutely the worst thing one can suggest to a couple extremely unhappy with each other. Funny thing is i have run into so many buzurgs who recommend starting a family in order to attempt to make love grow b/w husband and wife and when things take a turn for the worst, they start criticizing "why did you have kids if you were so unhappy with each other, you should have gotten divorced and not had kids in the first place".

I swear to god these buzurgs just talk out of their *** and nothing else

Those buzurgs are doing much better in life, Alhamdulillah, whereas you are being rejected, humiliated, and furthermore. As the symptoms indicate, you are likely to die alone based on patterns. Or better yet, ends up worst than you are at right now. Seen too much in my life which would amount to be depressive to say the least.


3 months and already unhappy? That has nothing to do with the compatibility. That has to do with lack of patience. Children provides patience as judging by the narrative you mentioned in this thread, your brother in law is not aggressor nor he wants divorce. First few months are always difficult to adjust because as soon as honeymoons period is over, the first thing leaves the window is love/lust. That leaves it to remaining option; compromise. Compromise can mean many things; understanding, patience, kind and tolerant.

Both your brother in law and your sister are too early for marriage but marriage will teach those attributes as mentioned earlier and they will get better as they improvise their marriage lifestyle, In Sha ALLAH. That is it has been with my life. Married too young and learnt a lot from the marriage as it teaches you to be grown up and all those beautiful attributes that are unearthed as the relationship evolves.

As I said, first few months are the key to weather the storm. After that, it gets easier. With kids, parents get attracted to each other even more. Your brother in law and your sister don’t hate each other so that means it is small stuffs that are issues can be ironed out eventually, In Sha ALLAH. I am not worried about your sister as I pray she will gain patience to weather the storm and pretty soon she will be happy like we are, In Sha ALLAH.

If I am worried about anybody here, it is you only. Mr man child.

 

[mgtow]

Yes, he is buying a showpiece trophy wife. God knows what that means.

That means Robot woman. That is possibility within few years as technology has advanced.

 

[Savak]

Imran Khan is a public figure. His life is open to public scrutiny. Your brother-in-law is not, and the only things I know about him are based on how you view him.

Since I keep getting sucked into this thread, here is a piece of advice. When you ask people for their advice, do not expect that they will say things that you want to hear. Your thread title has a question mark and I don’t know what that is the case because you are not asking a question. You are making a statement and you want everyone to agree with it.

I have a better title for this thread:

‘How to ruin a marriage 101”

Actually people ruined this thread by bringing matters discussed in another thread in this thread.

Why am i being criticized for standing by my sister and more importantly why am i still being criticized when it is my parents who will handle everything

I am actually horrified by the double standards some people are showing here, demanding that i dictate to my sister (who is an adult) that she should suck it up and deal with the non stop emotional abuse being dealt to her (as if she hasn't tried already). Would you do the same if this was your sister involved?

Shameful double standards

 

[Savak]

Those buzurgs are doing much better in life, Alhamdulillah, whereas you are being rejected, humiliated, and furthermore. As the symptoms indicate, you are likely to die alone based on patterns. Or better yet, ends up worst than you are at right now. Seen too much in my life which would amount to be depressive to say the least.


3 months and already unhappy? That has nothing to do with the compatibility. That has to do with lack of patience. Children provides patience as judging by the narrative you mentioned in this thread, your brother in law is not aggressor nor he wants divorce. First few months are always difficult to adjust because as soon as honeymoons period is over, the first thing leaves the window is love/lust. That leaves it to remaining option; compromise. Compromise can mean many things; understanding, patience, kind and tolerant.

Both your brother in law and your sister are too early for marriage but marriage will teach those attributes as mentioned earlier and they will get better as they improvise their marriage lifestyle, In Sha ALLAH. That is it has been with my life. Married too young and learnt a lot from the marriage as it teaches you to be grown up and all those beautiful attributes that are unearthed as the relationship evolves.

As I said, first few months are the key to weather the storm. After that, it gets easier. With kids, parents get attracted to each other even more. Your brother in law and your sister don’t hate each other so that means it is small stuffs that are issues can be ironed out eventually, In Sha ALLAH. I am not worried about your sister as I pray she will gain patience to weather the storm and pretty soon she will be happy like we are, In Sha ALLAH.

If I am worried about anybody here, it is you only. Mr man child.

You don't worry about me, rejection and humiliation is part of life. We all have to die and i would rather die alone than to take others with me.

I have seen enough unhappy marriages and broken homes in my immediate and extended circles to come to the conclusion that it is better to cut your losses early on rather than further destroy your life, the life of your husband and your children based on this foolish notion that having kids will make things better. I know of a childless couple for 7 years, they got blessed with twins but within a year the wife called her parents up demanding a divorce, so don't peddle this bull **** along as gospel

Sure you can compromise to each other's personalities, habits, likes/dislikes and give each other mutual respect, but there is a limit to how much you can compromise as well.

Also for the record, let me clarify, my sister did not mention the D word either but this is the first time she has finally had enough and she is escallating things to my dad bypassing mom as she knows he will take her ordeal far more seriously

 

[amvbfm]

Some notorious people have diverted this thread by focusing on my issues apparently. Sad but predictable, i just came here to figure out whether the scenario i have dictated is common or not. Thankfully neutral people who are not biased against me have looked at the case objectively and clearly said it is unacceptable and has to be nipped in the bud now.

I really don't understand the point of these threads. You advertise your family problems in detail, ask for advice and then go on to ignore everything even remotely sane and balanced and agree with anything that validates your messed up notions of love, marriage and relationships. I mean why even publicize such intimate details when you have no intention of listening to anything that does not match your totally childish worldview. If someone disagrees with you that doesn't necessarily mean that they are against you or out to vilify you.

 

[Mamoon]

Actually people ruined this thread by bringing matters discussed in another thread in this thread.

Why am i being criticized for standing by my sister and more importantly why am i still being criticized when it is my parents who will handle everything

I am actually horrified by the double standards some people are showing here, demanding that i dictate to my sister (who is an adult) that she should suck it up and deal with the non stop emotional abuse being dealt to her (as if she hasn't tried already). Would you do the same if this was your sister involved?

Shameful double standards

You are being criticized because you are acting with supreme immaturity. You are failing to consider her husband’s side of the story and you are actively attempting to derail their marriage without making an effort to cool things down. You actually think that knocking him out like Mike Tyson would make things better and he will start treating her like a princess. How naive can you be?

Your father is also not acting sensibly here. He is blinded by the love he has for his daughter and is not thinking straight. A man of his experience should know that it takes time for newly married couples to develop understanding and get comfortable with each other’s habits and traits. 2-3 months is a ridiculously short time for all hell to break lose.

You can say whatever you want about your mother but she is the only one in your family who is dealing with this sensibly, and I sincerely hope that it rubs off on your sister. If you sister has reached breaking point after 2-3 months, I can tell you from now that if she gets a divorce from this guy and marries someone else, history will repeat itself.

 

[amvbfm]

Yes, he is buying a showpiece trophy wife. God knows what that means.

Really appalled by some of the stuff but fwiw I wish him well and hope he understands that not everyone who disagrees with him is against him.

 

[Mamoon]

You don't worry about me, rejection and humiliation is part of life. We all have to die and i would rather die alone than to take others with me.

I have seen enough unhappy marriages and broken homes in my immediate and extended circles to come to the conclusion that it is better to cut your losses early on rather than further destroy your life, the life of your husband and your children based on this foolish notion that having kids will make things better. I know of a childless couple for 7 years, they got blessed with twins but within a year the wife called her parents up demanding a divorce, so don't peddle this bull **** along as gospel

Sure you can compromise to each other's personalities, habits, likes/dislikes and give each other mutual respect, but there is a limit to how much you can compromise as well.

Also for the record, let me clarify, my sister did not mention the D word either but this is the first time she has finally had enough and she is escallating things to my dad bypassing mom as she knows he will take her ordeal far more seriously

Children create a lifelong bond between couples. No matter how much they hate each other, they will always have mutual love for the child or the children that they brought to this world. More often than not, it can help improve a relationship drastically because it helps them empathize with each other. However, even if they divorce, they will not hesitate in standing side by side when it comes to important decisions over their future. So no it is not a myth and nor is it **. It is how life works.

 

[Mamoon]

Really appalled by some of the stuff but fwiw I wish him well and hope he understands that not everyone who disagrees with him is against him.

For that he will need to open his mind.

 

[LongHorn]

A man of his experience should know that it takes time for newly married couples to develop understanding and get comfortable with each other’s habits and traits.

If you sister has reached breaking point after 2-3 months, I can tell you from now that if she gets a divorce from this guy and marries someone else, history will repeat itself.

If one spouse is impatient/verbally abusive/demeaning/critical in the first few months of marriage, its likely to stick going forward.

In olden days in some families, if a woman was verbally abused, she was asked to be patient and be grateful to God that she is not being beaten at least

If a woman (or man) nowadays stands up and refuses to listen to abusive words, they are called "impatient"

 

[Savak]

You are being criticized because you are acting with supreme immaturity. You are failing to consider her husband’s side of the story and you are actively attempting to derail their marriage without making an effort to cool things down. You actually think that knocking him out like Mike Tyson would make things better and he will start treating her like a princess. How naive can you be?

Your father is also not acting sensibly here. He is blinded by the love he has for his daughter and is not thinking straight. A man of his experience should know that it takes time for newly married couples to develop understanding and get comfortable with each other’s habits and traits. 2-3 months is a ridiculously short time for all hell to break lose.

You can say whatever you want about your mother but she is the only one in your family who is dealing with this sensibly, and I sincerely hope that it rubs off on your sister. If you sister has reached breaking point after 2-3 months, I can tell you from now that if she gets a divorce from this guy and marries someone else, history will repeat itself.

What justification does the BIL have to mock my sisters siblings who have never ever done anything to him? What justification does he have to belittle her everyday that she is not what he expected at all knowing full well she is all alone in that house and environment? What justification does he have to order her around to do dishes, work in the kitchen when he doesn't even have the courtesy to help or clean up after himself

Trust me my father knows ten times more than me, there must be a reason why he is now taking charge of the situation. He by experience knows that god forbid it is better to nip a bad situation in the bud early on and in the worst case scenario get out of a wretched union when age, time is on ones side before **** really hits the fan. Unless you have a daughter of your own, you will never ever understand

I don't think you know what you are talking about, my mother is not talking sensibly at all, one mamu has an obviously unhappy deeply compromised marriage which has ended up reflecting in the upbringing of the children, the other mamu ended up getting divorced after 18 years of a physically, emotionally abusive marriage (his kids have still turned out better inspite of the divorce in comparison to the first mamu). There is a reason why my mom's siblings were off the opinion that my sister should tell my father directly about everything she is dealing with in comparison to my mother.

And lastly divorcees do get married again and end up having successful second marriages. We cannot blindly generalize here

 

[Savak]

Children create a lifelong bond between couples. No matter how much they hate each other, they will always have mutual love for the child or the children that they brought to this world. More often than not, it can help improve a relationship drastically because it helps them empathize with each other. However, even if they divorce, they will not hesitate in standing side by side when it comes to important decisions over their future. So no it is not a myth and nor is it **. It is how life works.

This is not an absolute rule. My bhabi demanded a divorce from my elder brother a year after they had twins after 7 years of marriage.

Your second point about them standing side by side with kids is a different issue which does not necessitate them being together married.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

Dude its sad that your sis has to go through this. Maybe a wakeup call for you too on how you view women.Anyway , If your sister feels that she is in a toxic relationship and can't find a way to be happy then divorce isn't that bad an option . I do not understand why divorce is such a hush hush and forbidden subject in this day in age . People get over it and move on. It's not the 1950's anymore. Live your life , you only get one .

 

[Savak]

I really don't understand the point of these threads. You advertise your family problems in detail, ask for advice and then go on to ignore everything even remotely sane and balanced and agree with anything that validates your messed up notions of love, marriage and relationships. I mean why even publicize such intimate details when you have no intention of listening to anything that does not match your totally childish worldview. If someone disagrees with you that doesn't necessarily mean that they are against you or out to vilify you.

mgtow has been stalking me for a while. He derailed this thread by bringing in the man child stuff unnecessarily.

I have already clarified i am not doing anything, letting my parents deal with it and speaking regularly to her to keep her relaxed, calm, composed during this process. So lol, what exactly have i not listened too?

 

[Savak]

Dude its sad that your sis has to go through this. Maybe a wakeup call for you too on how you view women.Anyway , If your sister feels that she is in a toxic relationship and can't find a way to be happy then divorce isn't that bad an option . I do not understand why divorce is such a hush hush and forbidden subject in this day in age . People get over it and move on. It's not the 1950's anymore. Live your life , you only get one .

I am never rude to women, it is sad people have developed this bias against me. In fact people at times make fun of me for being too nice and a pushover with them where in reality i have a lot of patience and tolerance.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

Also , please tell your sis not to have kids to "FIX" her marriage . Its the most selfish thing they can do . Children of divorce have a very tough life and its very rare that they come out of it unscathed.

 

[Technics 1210]

Dude its sad that your sis has to go through this. Maybe a wakeup call for you too on how you view women.Anyway , If your sister feels that she is in a toxic relationship and can't find a way to be happy then divorce isn't that bad an option . I do not understand why divorce is such a hush hush and forbidden subject in this day in age . People get over it and move on. It's not the 1950's anymore. Live your life , you only get one .

I trade on the Stock Markets, and if I bailed sooner than I did, I would have missed out.

You are right that sometimes divorce is the only option, but I think you need to give the marriage a bit of a go first. Though saying this, sometimes you just know you are in the wrong relationship.

 

[Savak]

Also , please tell your sis not to have kids to "FIX" her marriage . Its the most selfish thing they can do . Children of divorce have a very tough life and its very rare that they come out of it unscathed.

Please counsel Mamoon and Mr Alpha male mgtow for this brilliant suggestion

 

[cric_man]

Please counsel Mamoon and Mr Alpha male mgtow for this brilliant suggestion

Neither of them said anything amounting to have kids to save your marriage. Mamoon remarked that kids create an ever lasting bond b.w couples even if they get divorced.

What was the purpose of opening this thread and share very personal information about your family? To seek counsel from others? to vent?