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The Lame Jokes Thread

Not really a Lame Joke as I thought it was funny BUT did not know where else to post it


Kevin and David were lost in the Saharah Desert. They were dying of thirst when they came upon an Oasis with a Mosque. David said to Kevin: "Lets pretend we're Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. Im going to say my name is Dawood". Kevin said: "No! My name is Kevin. I wont pretend to be something im not".
So they went into the Mosque and the Imam walked up to them and said "Asalamualaykum. I am Abdullah Kareem and the Imam of this Mosque"
David said "Salam. My name is Dawood"
Kevin said "and Im Kevin... Hello"
The Imam called to a man in the Mosque- "get some food and drink for Kevin only"
He then smiled at David and said "Ramadan Mubarak brother. Hows the fast?"
 
There is breaking news tonight of an explosion in an Alphabetti spaghetti factory...




Police believe it could spell disaster.




:D
 
Shadi me Jin a agya, Jin ko dekh k Larkiyon ki Cheekh nikal gai

Buzurg ne kaha Saari Larkiyan wazu kr k ayen,, sab wazu kr k ayin to
.
.
.......
.
.
Jin ki cheekh nikal gai!! :-D
 
A prostitute was arrested one night during a late night operation by London Metropolitan police.

She was later charged and when she appeared in court it was revealed that she was making as much as £20,000 a week. She had made a highly lucrative business selling counterfeit Nike and Adidas tracksuits on ebay.
 
If you look close enough Gujar my friend, you'll realise that that is the most complimentary statement that can be made in response to an anti-joke.

Let me explain. It caught me completely off guard as a result of which I felt vulgar, common and intellectually challenged which inevitably invoked a feeling of disgust and mild hatred towards the person responsible for making me feel that way, in this case, you. Isn't that the whole idea behind anti-humour? Brilliant as always!
 
Air hostess to all the passengers ,,
"Kripya apni-apni belt bandh le"..
.
.
.
.
Santa asked, "Te Bibi jinha ne naade wale Pajame paye ne oh ki karn"...
 
ace4rmspace said:
If you look close enough Gujar my friend, you'll realise that that is the most complimentary statement that can be made in response to an anti-joke.

Let me explain. It caught me completely off guard as a result of which I felt vulgar, common and intellectually challenged which inevitably invoked a feeling of disgust and mild hatred towards the person responsible for making me feel that way, in this case, you. Isn't that the whole idea behind anti-humour? Brilliant as always!
Click to expand...

My bad Ace. I was living in the days of jahiliyaa. Now I know. Thank you brother.
 
Duncan Fletcher is taking an Indian training session one day when he notices Ishant Sharma running around like crazy with a two metre metal rod attached to his forehead. On closer inspection Fletcher notices a picture of Gambhir hanging off the end of the rod. Fletcher asks the Indian bowling coach what Ishant's mad ritual is all about.

'It's a new technique I've developed to improve Ishant's fitness. When he sees Gambhir's face on the end of the pole he runs to grab it but it's always out of reach. Ishant doesn't realise that ultimately it will always remain elusive,' the bowling coach explains.

Fletcher suggests they try something similar with Sehwag but replace Gambhir with the photo of a burger.

'We tried but the technique failed. Sehwag somehow got to the photo. He ate it and is now out of the next series with constipation.'

'Ahhh that Sehwag...' says Fletcher with a rye smile.
 
:))

Brilliant ending. "Ah that Sehwag". Classic Sehwag.
 
What does the champions league goalpost have in common with Wayne bridges ex gf?

They've both been banged by terry ;)
 
I haven't had any food all year!

No seriously, I'm in Africa and I'm f**king starving.
 
I bought my son a puppy for Christmas, but I've just accidentally killed him with my car as I reversed onto the drive.

Oh well, I'll have to look after the puppy myself now
 
Ajj Titanic ki 96th anniversary ha
.
.
.
.
... .
.
.

Sub pyaar karne walon se request ha k doob k mer jayen

thank u.......:D
 
Tiger T said:
I bought my son a puppy for Christmas, but I've just accidentally killed him with my car as I reversed onto the drive.

Oh well, I'll have to look after the puppy myself now
Click to expand...

Just be glad that your dad didn't buy you a puppy! :P
 
Us Ne Mera Hath Pyar Se Pkra
jesey kuch kehna Chahti Ho

Phr Pyar Se Mera Hath Zmeen Pr Rkh k Boli
.Yassu.
.Panju.
.Haaar.
.Kabutr.
.DOoOli.
 
My parents disowned me after I got a tattoo of a barcode put on my forehead on a night out.

I hope I can redeem myself
 
My wife seemed interestingly surprised when she screamed after I rugby tackled her into the wall.
After all, she did tell me to take out the trash.
 
I walked up to a girl in a club, put £50 in her hand and winked.
"What's this for?!" she beamed.
"it's for the excess on your home insurance" I replied.
"Oh" she smiled "Let me guess, is that because your going to smash my back doors in later?!"
"No, I've just driven into your porch" I said, walking back to the bar.
 
A man had been unemployed for a long while until one day he got a job as a porter on the geriatric ward on a hospital.

On his first day at work he was seeing to an elderly man suffering from bladder problems.

'Miserable day outside,' quips the porter as he attends to the elderly gentleman. 'Hasn't stopped raining all day.'

'It's grim in here too,' replies the elderly gentleman, 'And wet too!' as he urinates all over the porter.

The porter is overcome by rage and mercilessly beats the old age pensioner to within an inch of his life, before transferring his bed to the Intensive Care Unit.
 
Why did the reporter go to the ice cream shop ?

Bcoz he wanted a scoop!!
 
did you know that playing soccer 5 hours straight can really make you tired?
 
aik shaks apne baap ka naam likh kar bulb par latka raha tha
dost: what the hell are you doing?
"mere baap ne kaha tha bade ho kar mera naam roshan karna"!! comes the reply..
 
Saqib, Ace - Long time boys. I haven't been around much over the last few months Ace, but I had to bump this thread as I knew it would be the only way to lure you out too from your hiding spot! We need to get some of the shennanigans going again boys.
 
This idiot was acting all hard on the streets tonight.
I thought "I'm going to take that bas**d out!"

So I did and we had a great time
 
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total nonsense!!" I replied

By text, from across the road.
 
A magician appears on Britain's Got Talent and wows the judges with breathtaking stunts and tricks.

He reveals afterwards on TV, in an emotional and teary-eyed state, that his hard work and dedication has finally paid off, after years of practice and failed manoeuvres.

He is later arrested (after an anonymous tip off) when a raid on his house reveals mutilated bodies of a females, separated at the torso, and many dead pigeons in old top hats.
 
"There is a time and place for everything. This is neither the time, nor place..." said the Police Officer when arresting a convicted paedophile furiously pleasuring himself at the local kindergarden.
 
Saqib S said:
"There is a time and place for everything. This is neither the time, nor place..." said the Police Officer when arresting a convicted paedophile furiously pleasuring himself at the local kindergarden.
Click to expand...

:)))

Reminds me of a classic Frankie Boyle joke.

Why do paedophiles always wear glasses and have a beard? I mean, what is it about that look, that really turns kids on.
 
Gujar said:
Saqib, Ace - Long time boys. I haven't been around much over the last few months Ace, but I had to bump this thread as I knew it would be the only way to lure you out too from your hiding spot! We need to get some of the shennanigans going again boys.
Click to expand...

It has been long, very long ... too long maybe. I haven't been around much either since late last year, various commitments at home and work, started my own company which is both enjoyable and stressful. You were spot on about bumping this thread and coaxing me into posting again, you know me too well My Friend!

We should indeed grace this place with that of which these mere mortals are not even remotely worthy. You have started off brilliantly! I ... however ... need the loo. Back in a tick ...
 
I handed over the money, and with a smug smile said, "Keep the change."

He took it and said, "Well that's how it usually works, d***head."

Cheeky idiot! They've got no manners, homeless people.
 
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the hell was that!? Stop the car, son."
 
Tiger T said:
I handed over the money, and with a smug smile said, "Keep the change."

He took it and said, "Well that's how it usually works, d***head."

Cheeky idiot! They've got no manners, homeless people.
Click to expand...

Tiger T said:
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the hell was that!? Stop the car, son."
Click to expand...

:))

Both brilliant additions.
 
Gujar said:
:)))

Reminds me of a classic Frankie Boyle joke.

Why do paedophiles always wear glasses and have a beard? I mean, what is it about that look, that really turns kids on.
Click to expand...

:))

That gave me cancer. In the face.

Reminds me of an opener from Jimmy Carr at his stand-up.

"Paedophilia is wrong. It is Peedophilia (pronounciation)".
 
Tiger T said:
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the hell was that!? Stop the car, son."
Click to expand...


So lame :zaka
 
Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"

"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
 
I think this thread needs to be separated.

The Anti-Jokers have had enough of being grouped into the same category as the Lame Jokers.
 
I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."
 
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been at it for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
 
My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in
 
My mate just walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.

Full credit to him
 
A man is at a bar and sees an attractive woman and decides to approach her.

"Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?' he asks her.

'Ermm let me guess, enough to break the ice?' replies the girl sarcastically.

The man is caught off guard, not expecting the young woman steal his thunder in such a manner. 'Weighs as much as your mum' he mutters under his breath and heads off frustrated.
 
It was the month of Ramadan. I see my friend trying to eat a burger while he was fasting. I stop him and say to him, STOPPP!! you've been caught with "fast food"

get it? he was fasting and he was caught with fast food?
 
What does Rameez Raja call a doctor who is renown for the fluency and grace with which he performs heart bypass surgeries?

A cardiac surgeon
 
Knock knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears, as his Grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to a point where she can no longer remember him
 
Tiger T said:
Knock knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears, as his Grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to a point where she can no longer remember him
Click to expand...

:))) :)))

This doesn't belong on this thread. It's not lame, and it's not even an anti-joke.
 
I was in my taxi last night when I dropped a sexy girl off at her destination...

"Oh god" she said, "I haven't got any cash on me."

"Well" I replied, "there are other ways you can pay."

"I was hoping you were going to say that." She said with a wink.

"Great!" I said, "I'll just get the credit card machine from the boot."
 
I was watching the football on TV when my wife walked in.

"Dave," she said, "My operation is this Saturday. It would mean a lot if you came with me for support."

"I'll be there, love," I replied.

"Really?" she asked. "You'll come to the hospital?"

"No, I'll be THERE," I said, pointing at the TV.

"John got me a ticket for this weekend's match."
 
I was having a dump at work when the guy in the next cubicle said, "Do me a favour.. There's no toilet paper in here. Could you pass me some?"
"Of course mate," I replied, sliding a few sheets under the partition.
There was a moments silence as I waited to be thanked.
"Some unused ones would have been nice."
 
Tiger T said:
Knock knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears, as his Grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to a point where she can no longer remember him
Click to expand...

:))

Brilliant.
 
Apologies in advance for this one.

What did the mother of Shane Warne tell him when he told her he wanted to play Cricket as a child?

'Break a leg'.
 
A black man & a Muslim man are in the back of a police car.

The black man says: “A black man can’t get a fair trial nowadays!”

The Muslim looks at him & says: “You get a trial!?”
 
what did one fish say to the other?

If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
 
Mark had always been a very hirsute individual and his silky, smooth body hair had always proved a stumbling block for him in his quest to socialise fully.

He was convinced one day to come out to the local pub by his best friend Dave.

Upon them entering the pub, the barman remarked, 'Who does that ape belong to?'

'He's not an ape, he's my friend and he has feelings!' shouts Dave angrily.

Those were the last words uttered by anyone present in the pub as an escaped gorilla mauled everyone in the building to death.
 
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