Do I need to break my engagement?

[Abdullah]

Mamoon (for once) is right
Get out of your head the girl you love. The more you infatuate about her the worse you will become. You actually end up making them better inside your head than they can ever actually be in reality.
There is no reason you can not grow to love your fiance just as much when you start spending time with her.
The more you start breaking this down in your head sooner the easier it will become.

 

[owais1]

Cultural values are different from religious values. If they clash, the former often supersedes the latter.

True unfortunately. However, we are responsible for neglecting our religion for the sake of cultural values. If we keep clinging on to those absurd cultural values, no change will ever happen.

 

[in_cutter]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

Beautiful message, Mamoon. Parents truly are a gift of God. There is no one else in this life that can love you truly other than your parents.

What i dont agree with is the bold part.

Disagree. It works both ways. Parents cannot force their children to get married to someone just to keep their side of the family happy- it’s selfish.

OP put your foot down before it’s too late...trust me.. I made the mistake of agreeing with my parents.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

100% find myself agreeing with most of what Mamoon said.

The OP originally agreed to the engagement. There is not a chance in hell he will be able to marry the other girl. He probably fell in 'love' with her through furtive looks and not through spending a lot of time together or being in a relationship.

Disregard the advice of these individualistic people in the thread. Dont break up this marriage for the dignity of your parents and for the girl that you have agreed to marry. Some things are bigger than the self and by going through with this with these noble intentions trust me love will flourish.

Those that are calling it backward etc are living in a fantasy land. We are a culture based on respect of elders, tradition and family. You guys may seem happy to sell it down the river after watching an episode of friends on netflix and fantasizing about the girl in your uni class but leave these classless delusions to yourself.

 

[Tubs]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

I didn't expect this kind of post from you. I don't think it's fair to guilt-trip the guy, you should marry who you want, not who your parents want.

Also, OP, please know that cousin marriages are not good. You don't want to roll the dice every time you have children to see if they're disabled or not.

 

[Pakpak]

Then what is the point of this thread?

Quit your whining and get on with it.

I pity some of you if you have daughters.

This The OP has made his mind up already, why bore others needlessly. Also I agree with [MENTION=138463]Slog[/MENTION]. Too many deliberate spelling mistakes.

 

[sindhiboy]

100% find myself agreeing with most of what Mamoon said.

The OP originally agreed to the engagement. There is not a chance in hell he will be able to marry the other girl. He probably fell in 'love' with her through furtive looks and not through spending a lot of time together or being in a relationship.

Disregard the advice of these individualistic people in the thread. Dont break up this marriage for the dignity of your parents and for the girl that you have agreed to marry. Some things are bigger than the self and by going through with this with these noble intentions trust me love will flourish.

Those that are calling it backward etc are living in a fantasy land. We are a culture based on respect of elders, tradition and family. You guys may seem happy to sell it down the river after watching an episode of friends on netflix and fantasizing about the girl in your uni class but leave these classless delusions to yourself.

agree with the last sentence. these are nothing but delusions

 

[aukhan]

If you were not interested, you should have sternly refused your parents at the time of proposal. You seem to be an immature guy who is incapable of making his own decisions. You couldn't say no to your parents when nothing was at stake.

Lets hope with time you will grow up and not become a nakaam aashiq. My sympathies for the innocent girl, she undoubtedly deserves better.

 

[GoUgandaCranes]

It's very hard to actually advice anything in such a situation. But hopefully, whatever you end up with, will eventually be the better option for you.

May Allah subhana wa taala guide you to the right path.

 

[ahmedzee]

To OP:

It is never good to stay in a marriage where you are not happy, let alone an engagement. I suggest you speak to your parents, and tell them that you would like to break the engagement. They can deal with the girl's parents as well. Also talk to them about your depression, because it is a topic that should always be shared with close ones.

Your life is going to become hell if you stay unhappy, in engagement or marriage. Just be sure that it is exactly what you want.

 

[Afhan Ali]

If you were not interested, you should have sternly refused your parents at the time of proposal. You seem to be an immature guy who is incapable of making his own decisions. You couldn't say no to your parents when nothing was at stake.

Lets hope with time you will grow up and not become a nakaam aashiq. My sympathies for the innocent girl, she undoubtedly deserves better.

I did mention that engagement was my mistake, I was immature at the time of engagement because I got engaged without proper thinking and plan, Engagement and marriage are one of the biggest decision of a person life but I got failed in this because I just rush into things.

 

[PakLFC]

My cousin is the love of my life since 2017

I never feel like this for anyone except my cousin and I may never feel the same for any other girl forever.

At 23 years you are to young to be talking about the "love of your life". You will forget her in time, the alternative is upsetting your entire family it seems.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Yes it is backward, that is the point.

In this context, the backward mentality is too honor your parents, spare them the embarrassment and to protect the dignity of his fiancée who will be slandered by society and might find it difficult to find a husband within her community.

The forward thinking mentality is to completely disregard the implications of your selfish decision and do what you want because ultimately it is your life.

Furthermore, since I “claim” to be a doctor, let me tell you that self-diagnosis is the last thing you want to do when it comes to depression. Quite often, the source of depression is not what you think it is.

It is quite possible that he is depressed not because he doesn’t want to marry his fiancée but because he is conflicted between whether to call off the engagement or to carry on.

If he decides to carry on and makes a firm decision, it is quite possible that he will feel better.

But let’s assume that he is depressed because he doesn’t want to marry this girl. Now if he ends this engagement, it is quite likely that he will find a new source of depression - the guilt of dishonoring his parents and ruining his fiancée’s reputation because of his selfishness.

Getting rid of depression is not like popping a pimple. It is rarely what it seems, and if we could all do self-diagnosis, there would be no need of psychiatry.

Society will slander, back bite and hate on others, regardless.

You don't know the chap so cannot be in any position to suggest he will get better or worse. My point was someone suffering from depression due to his/her situation shouldn't be told, stay in the same position because of culture.

OP isn't even married and I assume has had no intimacy with the girl. It wont be too much for her family to find a new husband. This whole shaming the family is nothing more than emotional blackmail.

 

[Savak]

Mamoon (for once) is right
Get out of your head the girl you love. The more you infatuate about her the worse you will become. You actually end up making them better inside your head than they can ever actually be in reality.
There is no reason you can not grow to love your fiance just as much when you start spending time with her.
The more you start breaking this down in your head sooner the easier it will become.

Nope. Mamoon is not right. He is an attention seeker who loves to post extreme controversial unpopular opinions which he cleverly identifies with respect to the situation and context so that he gets extra attention

Check out his post no 19 to a thread i created a year and a half ago

http://www.pakpassion.net/ppforum/s...l-and-physical-ailments-in-arranged-marriages

With all due respect, this is the worst post in this thread by far. Your post screams exploitation and playing with emotions. You have to put EVERYTHING on the table as soon as possible, and keeping it quiet until the girl has already decided that she wants to marry you and has developed a liking for you is a very terrible idea.

Just because you have a mental/physical problem does not mean that you have the right to test if the girl loves you unconditionally and if she will accept you for who you truly are. She has the right to know everything about you that could have an impact on your marital life, and a physical/mental ailment is not something that should be hidden from her or her family until they have grown fond of you.

My advice to the OP is that it is imperative to be transparent about these issues. I understand that it is not an easy thing to do, and if you cannot communicate directly, let your parents or any other family member handle it. However, the girl and her family should be made aware of your problem(s) and they should be allowed to make an impartial decision instead of getting coerced into it because of your cleverness.

Given his post above to roughly the same situation, why is he now advocating in this specific situation that the OP goes ahead to marry this girl when he has clearly stated he is not interested in this girl but someone else, he is clearly depressed.

What happened to the all cards on the table diatribe, you are conning and conniving them into developing an emotional connection with you in order to marry.

 

[Savak]

100% find myself agreeing with most of what Mamoon said.

The OP originally agreed to the engagement. There is not a chance in hell he will be able to marry the other girl. He probably fell in 'love' with her through furtive looks and not through spending a lot of time together or being in a relationship.

Disregard the advice of these individualistic people in the thread. Dont break up this marriage for the dignity of your parents and for the girl that you have agreed to marry. Some things are bigger than the self and by going through with this with these noble intentions trust me love will flourish.

Those that are calling it backward etc are living in a fantasy land. We are a culture based on respect of elders, tradition and family. You guys may seem happy to sell it down the river after watching an episode of friends on netflix and fantasizing about the girl in your uni class but leave these classless delusions to yourself.

Please read my post 94

 

[Savak]

Regarding the OP's infatuation with another girl, that is a seperate issue which i have no right to comment on or to tell him what to do and what not to do. But as far as his engagement with the present girl is concerned, if he knows he is not into her, if his heart is not in it and if he has no intentions of going through with it and if he is being pressurized by family, elders into going through with it then he needs to tell his parents, elders and even the girl and face the music.

Everyone will face short term pain, embarrassment but it is better than a life time of hurt, misery for the two people in question especially the poor girl in question.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Please read my post 94

Regardless of his change of views, I stand by my post. As I've got older ive realised that duty to ones culture and family is of supreme importance. One who is willing to sell that for such a cheap price is not losing out in the long run.

With the greatest respect to the OP he is living in a state of delusion about what the concept of love is. I think you were too at one point before pulling yourself together.

 

[Mamoon]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

You have Aspergers Syndrome, a clinically diagnosed condition. It is completely unethical to hide a disorder or a disease before marriage.

The OP does not have a disorder. He is feeling depressed because he doesn’t like his fiancée.

He has two choices: (1) end the engagement and shame his family his fiancée or (2) get on with it, learn to compromise and strive for a peaceful marriage.

If he opts for (1) then he should be open about why he wants to end this engagement.

If he opts for (2), which means he is committed to make his marriage work, he should not tell his fiancée that he had regrets over the engagement. There is no reason to hurt her feelings if he intends to marry her. It is not worth it in the long-term.

Something things are better left unsaid.

If you have an axe to grind against me or want to expose me or whatever, you are free to do so but at least make credible arguments instead of exposing your deep ignorance.

Learn the difference between a clinically diagnosed disorder and regretting your decision to get engaged to someone.

The two situations are not roughly the same. They are poles apart.

And I am not interested in misguiding someone, especially when I have no stake in it and gain absolutely nothing either way.

I am giving my personal opinion based on my life experience and what I see around me. My intention is to help the person from my perspective and that is it.

I did the same for you when you would open a thousand threads on how you want a trophy wife who should be perfect in every way before life taught you a lesson, and now you are counseling others when you should be the last person on earth to give someone marriage advice.

When you ask someone for his or her opinion on your family/personal issues and they are complete strangers to you, have a little respect for the fact that they even bothered to read your personal ramblings.

 

[Savak]

Regardless of his change of views, I stand by my post. As I've got older ive realised that duty to ones culture and family is of supreme importance. One who is willing to sell that for such a cheap price is not losing out in the long run.

With the greatest respect to the OP he is living in a state of delusion about what the concept of love is. I think you were too at one point before pulling yourself together.

Actually, i only gave up when i had exhausted every option with respect to the girl where i had no other choice but to move on. However in this situation i am not even talking about the OP's infatuation with the girl he likes i.e. his cousin at the moment, that is a seperate topic for a seperate thread, i am talking about his fiance who deserves to know the truth i.e. her suppossed to be Husband does not like her but likes someone else, the guy is depressed, bottomline she deserves to know the truth and deserves to be allowed to make an informed decision whether she wishes to get married to someone who doesn't like her but someone else, is clinically depressed.

 

[Mamoon]

Regardless of his change of views, I stand by my post. As I've got older ive realised that duty to ones culture and family is of supreme importance. One who is willing to sell that for such a cheap price is not losing out in the long run.

With the greatest respect to the OP he is living in a state of delusion about what the concept of love is. I think you were too at one point before pulling yourself together.

He is comparing hiding a disorder from your future wife to OP’s conditions. It is amazing how he completely loses the plot when it comes to marital issues.

To say that he was delusional at one point is the understatement of the century. The world “delusion” does no justice.

 

[ManFan]

Leave the girl. NOW.

 

[Mamoon]

Society will slander, back bite and hate on others, regardless.

You don't know the chap so cannot be in any position to suggest he will get better or worse. My point was someone suffering from depression due to his/her situation shouldn't be told, stay in the same position because of culture.

OP isn't even married and I assume has had no intimacy with the girl. It wont be too much for her family to find a new husband. This whole shaming the family is nothing more than emotional blackmail.

I don’t know him personally but I know his society and his cultural values. That is why advice to him is to go ahead with his marriage because the alternative will create a lot of problems not only for his family but also for his fiancée’s family.

Getting engaged and then later on realizing that you don’t like the person is not the way to go about it. It is the epitome of selfishness. The other person is not a commodity.

 

[Savak]

I don’t know him personally but I know his society and his cultural values. That is why advice to him is to go ahead with his marriage because the alternative will create a lot of problems not only for his family but also for his fiancée’s family.

Getting engaged and then later on realizing that you don’t like the person is not the way to go about it. It is the epitome of selfishness. The other person is not a commodity.

I will respond to your post to me later on when i arrive home from work. But you are not making sense, you are saying the girl i.e. his fiance is not a commodity but you are stupidly encouraging him to get married to her when he has made it clear that he does not like her and wants out of the engagement. Does the girl not deserve to know about this?

You are assuming he will gradually start liking her? What if he doesnt, he starts resenting her even more and makes her life miserable and then they start arguing and she starts telling him he was a mature grown adult who could have opted out of the rishta if he was not interested.

 

[Mamoon]

I will respond to your post to me later on when i arrive home from work. But you are not making sense, you are saying the girl i.e. his fiance is not a commodity but you are stupidly encouraging him to get married to her when he has made it clear that he does not like her and wants out of the engagement. Does the girl not deserve to know about this?

He has not made it “clear”. The OP is conflicted. He is not happy with his fiancée because he loves someone else, but he understands that if he ends the engagement now, it will create a lot of problems for both families.

I am encouraging to marry his fiancée because considering the society that he lives in and the cultural values of his family, the alternative will have several long-term consequences that he will regret. It is going to negatively impact both families.

You are assuming he will gradually start liking her? What if he doesnt, he starts resenting her even more and makes her life miserable and then they start arguing and she starts telling him he was a mature grown adult who could have opted out of the rishta if he was not interested.

Or nothing of that sort happens, he finds her to be an excellent life-partner and slowly but surely forgets about the other girl that he loved at one point.

Or he ends his engagement, humiliates his family as well as the girl and her family, marries his love but then later on realizes that there is a difference between loving someone before marriage and getting married to that person.

Love marriages often end in failure because it is not always what they seem.

The problem is that some people are looking at the whole situation in absolute terms. It is not black and white, and you just cannot discard your fiancée or your wife just because you don’t like her anymore, or you never liked her but still agreed to get engaged because God knows why.

The only people who are advising him to carry on with the marriage are the ones who are familiar with his culture and society.

 

[Kroll]

Loads of mud slinging going on this thread, its certainly taken a turn for the worse.

 

[Lahorijat]

The cousin that you love since 2017 - do you know if she loves you? Do you know her and does she know you as a person? Would she put her foot down to get married to you because she loves you? Or is it just love at first sight?

 

[Afhan Ali]

He has not made it “clear”. The OP is conflicted. He is not happy with his fiancée because he loves someone else, but he understands that if he ends the engagement now, it will create a lot of problems for both families.

I am encouraging to marry his fiancée because considering the society that he lives in and the cultural values of his family, the alternative will have several long-term consequences that he will regret. It is going to negatively impact both families.



Or nothing of that sort happens, he finds her to be an excellent life-partner and slowly but surely forgets about the other girl that he loved at one point.

Or he ends his engagement, humiliates his family as well as the girl and her family, marries his love but then later on realizes that there is a difference between loving someone before marriage and getting married to that person.

Love marriages often end in failure because it is not always what they seem.

The problem is that some people are looking at the whole situation in absolute terms. It is not black and white, and you just cannot discard your fiancée or your wife just because you don’t like her anymore, or you never liked her but still agreed to get engaged because God knows why.

The only people who are advising him to carry on with the marriage are the ones who are familiar with his culture and society.

If somehow I break the engagement then It will still be very difficult(near impossible) to marry my cousin because both the girls are cousins (1 dosri ki mamo ki baiti hai)

So I am in very difficult situation

Yes I do post for suggestions but as I am living in Peshawar and [MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION] is also living in this society, his posts are spots on.

 

[andy0204]

It's very late you should have tell this thing to your parents before your engagement was getting fixed.
Now you need to adjust it and forget about the girl you love.

 

[in_cutter]

It's very late you should have tell this thing to your parents before your engagement was getting fixed.
Now you need to adjust it and forget about the girl you love.

No it’s not late. He is engaged. Not married.

 

[Afhan Ali]

He has not made it “clear”. The OP is conflicted. He is not happy with his fiancée because he loves someone else, but he understands that if he ends the engagement now, it will create a lot of problems for both families.

I am encouraging to marry his fiancée because considering the society that he lives in and the cultural values of his family, the alternative will have several long-term consequences that he will regret. It is going to negatively impact both families.



Or nothing of that sort happens, he finds her to be an excellent life-partner and slowly but surely forgets about the other girl that he loved at one point.

Or he ends his engagement, humiliates his family as well as the girl and her family, marries his love but then later on realizes that there is a difference between loving someone before marriage and getting married to that person.

Love marriages often end in failure because it is not always what they seem.

The problem is that some people are looking at the whole situation in absolute terms. It is not black and white, and you just cannot discard your fiancée or your wife just because you don’t like her anymore, or you never liked her but still agreed to get engaged because God knows why.

The only people who are advising him to carry on with the marriage are the ones who are familiar with his culture and society.

My cause of depression is "why I did engaged without even think much, I had no plan to engaged before completing my education but don't know why I just rush into this, no one is responsible except me for this engagement but I am not happy with it from the day 1 of engagement because I never think of her as life partner.

I do love my cousin since 2017 and she is that person which I always dream for.

 

[andy0204]

No it’s not late. He is engaged. Not married.

What if the girl he loves rejected him?

 

[in_cutter]

What if the girl he loves rejected him?

He will get over it. Better than being stuck in a unhappy marriage

 

[andy0204]

He will get over it. Better than being stuck in a unhappy marriage

How he will get over it?
And How is this unhappy marriage,Is the girl with whom he is getting married not good looking or fat?
If yes then it shows the mentality of this guy.

 

[in_cutter]

How he will get over it?
And How is this unhappy marriage,Is the girl with whom he is getting married not good looking or fat?
If yes then it shows the mentality of this guy.

Did you not read OP? He states he is not happy...nobody mentioned looks.

So you are saying he should get married to the girl he is engaged to and ruin her life because he didn’t want to in the first place? How is this fair on the girl?

 

[andy0204]

Did you not read OP? He states he is not happy...nobody mentioned looks.

So you are saying he should get married to the girl he is engaged to and ruin her life because he didn’t want to in the first place? How is this fair on the girl?

So you are saying he has to wait unless he likes/find another girl?

 

[in_cutter]

So you are saying he has to wait unless he likes/find another girl?

If it comes to that...then yes.

Im sure you would not like it if the woman you end up marrying is not happy?

 

[in_cutter]

Shocking the amount of posters advising OP to stick with the engagement without thinking about the girl he is engaged to.

The problem is culture. People need to change their ways.

 

[andy0204]

If it comes to that...then yes.

Im sure you would not like it if the woman you end up marrying is not happy?

I would like it but it doesn't work practically,I saw love marriages and then getting divorce.

 

[Pakpak]

Shocking the amount of posters advising OP to stick with the engagement without thinking about the girl he is engaged to.

The problem is culture. People need to change their ways.

I agree. And these are seemingly educated people.

 

[Itachi]

Shocking the amount of posters advising OP to stick with the engagement without thinking about the girl he is engaged to.

The problem is culture. People need to change their ways.

I agree. All is thinking about the guy what people will think. No one even gives two hoots about what the girl will feel.

 

[humzy]

I agree. All is thinking about the guy what people will think. No one even gives two hoots about what the girl will feel.

Spot on, the women are a commodity to these guys. Who care about lying about your feelings towards her right?

 

[Mamoon]

The distinction is not between education and illiteracy. The distinction between selfishness and respecting family values and the reputation of his fiancée.

The same people who are advising him to end the engagement will give him the same advice if he gets engaged to the girl that he loves, but then falls out of love before marriage.

 

[Mamoon]

The attitude that you should only do what you want to do, and not care about what your family thinks or what others will think, or what the implications of your decision will be on others is cancerous.

 

[andy0204]

Shocking the amount of posters advising OP to stick with the engagement without thinking about the girl he is engaged to.

The problem is culture. People need to change their ways.

If there is no culture then there is no difference between animal and human being,there is a reason why culture brings us together.

 

[Savak]

My cause of depression is "why I did engaged without even think much, I had no plan to engaged before completing my education but don't know why I just rush into this, no one is responsible except me for this engagement but I am not happy with it from the day 1 of engagement because I never think of her as life partner.

I do love my cousin since 2017 and she is that person which I always dream for.

No offence but you should be close to your cousin enough to have a frank conversation with her. It is one thing if the girl in question is not close enough to you but if the girl involved is a relative then it is a different ball game.

I spoke to my cousin very frankly in Sept last year and took her answer without wasting too much time. Better to face the truth and move on quickly.

 

[kaayal]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

Agree with Mamoon here. Culture is a big factor while decision making and you can’t back out now after 2-3 years of engagement. Still discuss with your siblings if you can correct it out or if you are still depressed, get help from a qualified medical person.

 

[DeadBall]

Agree with Mamoon here. Culture is a big factor while decision making and you can’t back out now after 2-3 years of engagement. Still discuss with your siblings if you can correct it out or if you are still depressed, get help from a qualified medical person.

Surprised to hear this from you. The problem is not his depression or the feeling of his family, society etc but of the poor girl who has no idea what she's getting into.

 

[dildilpak]

To the OP-

1. First of all, you had no business getting engaged at the age of 21/22 - you are clearly young & immature to even think about marriage & life partner rationally. No wonder you rushed headlong into something you now regret.

2. Have you received any kind of vibes from the other girl you like or is it all from your side? If not you might risk alienating the whole family for something which is only a figment of your imagination.

3. If you really feel that you are unhappy with your fiancee irrespective of the other girl reciprocating your love, then you should just come clean & confess to your fiancee/ family before its too late. Just be prepared to live with the consequences like a man instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Good luck with whatever action you take.

 

[Haroon786]

Mamoon (for once) is right
Get out of your head the girl you love. The more you infatuate about her the worse you will become. You actually end up making them better inside your head than they can ever actually be in reality.
There is no reason you can not grow to love your fiance just as much when you start spending time with her.
The more you start breaking this down in your head sooner the easier it will become.

Yep, vast majority of the time he has dubious opinions but here it's pretty spot on. Have to look at the society you're dealing with and Pashtuns are probably more backward than the average Pakistani citizen, particularly in the backwaters of KPK.

 

[kaayal]

Surprised to hear this from you. The problem is not his depression or the feeling of his family, society etc but of the poor girl who has no idea what she's getting into.

I noticed that the guy is only 23 now. It’s not even the age to get engaged let alone marry. If he is still into this marriage thing then he should consider his fiancée first. I don’t think he doesn’t like her fiancée at all since he managed this engagement to last for 2-3 years. Neither can’t believe how he could fool a girl with no emotions for that long period. It’s just that he is infatuated with his other cousin more that his fiancée. These physical attributes does not mean anything once you reach a certain age and then what you need is a better understanding, communicating and compromising spouse. Better to opt out after giving it a try than making a mess out of it all.

That girl is going to get doomed even if he marry or don’t marry.

 

[Itachi]

I don’t think he doesn’t like her fiancée at all since he managed this engagement to last for 2-3 years.

Just because I don't hate you, doesn't mean I like you.

Neither can’t believe how he could fool a girl with no emotions for that long period.

Going by the values and tradition talks, the girl will be even younger than him. And I don't think a girl at that age will be able to spot that. It could be simply taken as OP is a "closed person" who sheldom shows emotions which is ok as she is accepting him the way he is.

 

[Afhan Ali]

I noticed that the guy is only 23 now. It’s not even the age to get engaged let alone marry. If he is still into this marriage thing then he should consider his fiancée first. I don’t think he doesn’t like her fiancée at all since he managed this engagement to last for 2-3 years. Neither can’t believe how he could fool a girl with no emotions for that long period. It’s just that he is infatuated with his other cousin more that his fiancée. These physical attributes does not mean anything once you reach a certain age and then what you need is a better understanding, communicating and compromising spouse. Better to opt out after giving it a try than making a mess out of it all.

That girl is going to get doomed even if he marry or don’t marry.

I managed this engagement for 2 and a half years because I am the only person who is responsible for this and I don't want to hurt the families nor the girl, I don't want to humiliate my family nor I want anything wrong on the girl dignity because I make this engagement.

I was 20 and a half years at the time of engagement I just don't think much about it, I had no plans to marry or get engaged before completing my studies but don't know why I did that mistake ( engagement), I am not happy with it since the 1st day but Initially I don't tell anything to anyone because I am responsible for all this.

Other thing is If somehow break the engagement then it will be almost impossible to marry my cousin because both of the girls are mutual cousins, I want to see everyone happy and want to marry my cousin but I thing I could only be possible in dreams

I lost all my self-confidence, I did not take admission for further studies because as I am failed in biggest decision of life (future) how could I will be able to take other important decisions

 

[kaayal]

I managed this engagement for 2 and a half years because I am the only person who is responsible for this and I don't want to hurt the families nor the girl, I don't want to humiliate my family nor I want anything wrong on the girl dignity because I make this engagement.

I was 20 and a half years at the time of engagement I just don't think much about it, I had no plans to marry or get engaged before completing my studies but don't know why I did that mistake ( engagement), I am not happy with it since the 1st day but Initially I don't tell anything to anyone because I am responsible for all this.

Other thing is If somehow break the engagement then it will be almost impossible to marry my cousin because both of the girls are mutual cousins, I want to see everyone happy and want to marry my cousin but I thing I could only be possible in dreams

I lost all my self-confidence, I did not take admission for further studies because as I am failed in biggest decision of life (future) how could I will be able to take other important decisions

Don’t even think about the other cousin. Think about how to get out of this mess without hurting your fiancée and your family. The world doesn’t end with an engagement or a marriage and you are only 23 now. Your priorities will also change with age.

My advice would be to forget about marriage now and convince your parents too that you don’t want to marry now . Study and make a good career for yourself before getting too old. Then you will have any choices if left.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Don’t even think about the other cousin. Think about how to get out of this mess without hurting your fiancée and your family. The world doesn’t end with an engagement or a marriage and you are only 23 now. Your priorities will also change with age.

My advice would be to forget about marriage now and convince your parents too that you don’t want to marry now . Study and make a good career for yourself before getting too old. Then you will have any choices if left.

My parents is not forcing me for marriage yet but they will ask in few months because it is already 2 and a half years of engagement, I am do not want to get married there but I have no way to escape because I am responsible for both families honor and girl dignity, If I break the engagement, girl dignity will suffer because this is how our society is, and I don't want anyone to suffer because of me.

My life is already done and dusted

Thanks to all PP members for their suggestions, I am the Hero and Zero of my own life.

I know my fiancee deserve a lot better than me but I have nothing in my hand neither for myself nor for her.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Don’t even think about the other cousin. Think about how to get out of this mess without hurting your fiancée and your family. The world doesn’t end with an engagement or a marriage and you are only 23 now. Your priorities will also change with age.

My advice would be to forget about marriage now and convince your parents too that you don’t want to marry now . Study and make a good career for yourself before getting too old. Then you will have any choices if left.

Other thing is only my mother and sister believe on me that you were immature and you did a mistake at the age of 20 but If anyone else does know about my feeling here in this society I will be labeled as bad character boy. Even my cousin parents will through stones on my name.

 

[kaayal]

My parents is not forcing me for marriage yet but they will ask in few months because it is already 2 and a half years of engagement, I am do not want to get married there but I have no way to escape because I am responsible for both families honor and girl dignity, If I break the engagement, girl dignity will suffer because this is how our society is, and I don't want anyone to suffer because of me.

My life is already done and dusted

Thanks to all PP members for their suggestions, I am the Hero and Zero of my own life.

I know my fiancee deserve a lot better than me but I have nothing in my hand neither for myself nor for her.

You are not going to suffer if you genuinely care for the person you marry. She will definitely reciprocate to your feelings. And if cancelling this marriage affects the girl a lot than I expect, then marry her and give this marriage a try. There is nothing going to loose.

 

[Afhan Ali]

You are not going to suffer if you genuinely care for the person you marry. She will definitely reciprocate to your feelings. And if cancelling this marriage affects the girl a lot than I expect, then marry her and give this marriage a try. There is nothing going to loose.

Yes cancellation of marriage effects a girl life a lot more than a boy life here.

 

[Kriketer]

Do not ruin the life of the innocent girl if you will end up hating her for the rest of her life.

Your parent's temporary happiness, which is usually based on lame izzat card of our cultre and loog kiya kahein gae curse, is not more important than the girl's life. Parents will eventually understand, if they don't then stubbornness has it's lifelong toll.

Our culture, specifically Pathan's culture need to change a lot in this aspect. Lack of education and lack of common sense has destroyed many lives in our society.

 

[kaayal]

Yes cancellation of marriage effects a girl life a lot more than a boy life here.

Bhai, marry her and start caring for her.
Then concentrate in your as well as her studies, career and health if possible.
If your shaadi works out have kids and make it a happy place for you to come. Otherwise seperate. That’s it.

I am out. I am not an expert in relationship advices.

 

[Kriketer]

Bhai, marry her and start caring for her.
Then concentrate in your as well as her studies, career and health if possible.
If your shaadi works out have kids and make it a happy place for you to come. Otherwise seperate. That’s it.

I am out. I am not an expert in relationship advices.

It's easier for a man to separate and move on, not for the women in our society sadly. One should never get into tying knots with that ever being an eventual option in the head.

 

[MenInG]

In the middle-east, amongst Arabs (atleast all that I know), there is no such thing as engagement - they actually have a solid agreement of sorts because when they break that engagement, they call it divorce!

 

[Gilly]

You need to be honest with the woman your are engaged to. Forget your and her families and talk to her and tell her the truth so she can make a decision that will affect her life based on the truth and not on a lie.

What is the point of being religious if you cant be honest.

 

[Diffusion]

Please don't marry any of your cousins

 

[King-Misbah]

In the middle-east, amongst Arabs (atleast all that I know), there is no such thing as engagement - they actually have a solid agreement of sorts because when they break that engagement, they call it divorce!

They do the nikkah I believe.

 

[Itachi]

You need to be honest with the woman your are engaged to. Forget your and her families and talk to her and tell her the truth so she can make a decision that will affect her life based on the truth and not on a lie.

What is the point of being religious if you cant be honest.

true words spoken. Whatever the driving force, a person needs to be honest with himself and others.