How can I shut my disrespectful, rude and disdainful uncle and aunts up?

[Dulex9]

There's too much to go into here but two of my uncles have bullied, abused me.

One of my aunties want her sons to be superior to me, her son is a right so and so too, once he insulted my mother knowing she passed away a long time ago. One other aunty don't like me because she's a shallow person and perhaps unhappy in life.

The third uncle has a big ego and wants to be right and is dogmatic.

There's also a cousin in law who follows the crowd and anything good that happens he becomes sarcastic. Maybe he's influenced by others.

They all gossip about me and have no affection for my family.

They don't think much of me, don't respect me and they are just sad people, they have no empathy, compassion for the hard life I've been through especially since I lost my mother when I was aged 12.

Now I'm becoming successful and earning good money, they have ignored and not bothered to acknowledge me the last 7 times I've seen them, amazing! They don't want to acknowledge it.

They say nice things to others, give them support and encouragement, but never to me? They know I've overcome any obstacles, they know I did it on my own, they are trying to manipulate and brainwash me.

Is their anyway to win? In the sense they will shut up? They are still gossiping, being sarcastic, ostracising me. 2 cousins and all of my uncle and aunties. I've suffered enough, but in my good times it's almost like they want me to lose.

They are making me the scapegoat and I believe they want me to continue to be the black sheep in the family.

How can I win here and shut them up?

 

[Markhor]

Sorry to hear you're having these troubles [MENTION=141599]Dulex9[/MENTION]. Unfortunately in Asian families too often relatives look to tear each other down than build one another up out of spite and jealousy.

You have to prioritise the opinions in your life that's important from the ones that aren't. Don't spend life losing your peace of mind looking for approval from others - its what you make of yourself that ultimately counts, along with your closest family members and friends.

I don't know the full story but it seems these people aren't worth "winning over". If you don't let it affect you and your peace of mind, and you continue making a success of yourself - then you've won the battle no matter what others say.

 

[Varun]

Without going into the specifics of your situation, I would recommend diluting their presence everyday. If you currently pick up their calls 10 out of 10 times, start by receiving only 9 and so on. If you visit on every festival, start by chopping out a few. Depending on the pace of things, you'll be able to get rid of them in between 6 months and 2 years.

Inevitably then, they'll try and reach out to you - you can then choose the good bits and play them to your advantage as and when needed.

 

[big_gamer007]

[MENTION=141599]Dulex9[/MENTION]

You cant choose your relatives but you can choose your friends.. You are successful and earn gold spend t on people who care about you make friends and people who are close to you.. Relatives like yours are cancer it’s better to not maintain any relation with such people..

That’s what I feel..

 

[Hitman]

Move them to the recycle bin. No one from either of my mother or father's side has ever dared to disrespect me. Oh, wait. A couple of people tried. Once my cousin's wife tried to do so in 2006. That too in front of my entire family as well as her and my Mama's entire family. I shot right back giving her a dose of medicine that was 10 time more bitter. It's strange that she buried the hatchet the very next day. And she did it herself without anyone's insistence.

The second person is my father's younger brother. It was right after my nephew was born in March, 2015. There's this tradition called 'namakaran' where a newborn is given his/her name. It's the tradition among us Assamese people to distribute fish among our relatives on that auspicious day. I went to their place and he flat out disrespected me for a very minor reason, that is if you even call it a reason. There was another person with me who honestly though that he was a little loose on the head. I could have tore him apart right then, but I couldn't do so for a couple of reasons. One was because I was in his house, the second being that if I did so, the entire ceremony would have been spoiled and I would have been blamed for it.

Never mind, I erased him from my life permanently and I haven't spoken to him since. We have met eye to eye since and I've refused to speak to him on every such occasion. And before anyone says I'm being harsh, he is a very well known rowdy, obnoxious POS by almost everyone who knows him or his family.

 

[Dulex9]

Thank you very much for all of your comments, advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it and take all of it on board.

I'm already not seeing them as often as I would so I'm seeing them even less now.

I guess I've already won the battle as I've made a success of myself and I'm happy with where my life is right now.

I've proved them wrong and they know it.

 

[troodon]

Be successful in life and ignore them. Don’t talk to them and avoid them as much as you can.

People who hate you or try to put you down are not worth a single second in your life. Don’t waste time in giving it back to them. Don’t be vengeful. Instead try to concentrate on making yourself better.

Eventually they will be proven wrong and will look like fools knowing that you have succeeded in life and doing better than their children.

I am telling you this out of personal experience.

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

You are entering in their game. Their frame. You simply are giving them too much importance.

I was gonna type get a job and earn money when I was half way your thread but you already are.

Now I'm becoming successful and earning good money...

Battle is half won.

Now completely ignore em. Develop a smirk. You do not need anyone's respect.

Join a gym. And next time you see your cousins put on a black v-neck t-shirt and show 'em what's up.

Conclusion:
Make good money (which you already are)
Get in best shape you can.
Make new friends.
And BELIEVE, like your life depends on it, that you don't need anyone's approval.

That's what I do

 

[Hitman]

Thank you very much for all of your comments, advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it and take all of it on board.

I'm already not seeing them as often as I would so I'm seeing them even less now.

I guess I've already won the battle as I've made a success of myself and I'm happy with where my life is right now.

I've proved them wrong and they know it.

If I were you, I'd stop seeing them completely. No point in keeping touch with people who don't have any regards for you. Rather make good friends and try to be around them.

 

[shaz619]

Some very good advice's given to you in this thread mate, I don't have much else to add but if you do get the oppourtunity put them in a sharpshooter!

Personally all the politicking has made me someone who is ruthless is pursuing my own personal goals, I tend to avoid toxic individuals as much as I possibly can and focus on the POP! Power of Positivity! You don't need the approval of sh!t people mate, you're above those peasants; focus on yourself and your loved ones in addition to those who are supportive. And if encouragement is a bit rare know that you're doing one hell of a job mate! As long as you get to where you need to be, nothing else matters.

 

[shaz619]

I've had my own blood twist the knife in me back and it's never a great feeling but trust me, there will come a time when their silence is deafening and oh holy mary mother of gawd almighty it's the sweetest joy next to eating my favourite fruit. So just put your head down and work hard

 

[Rana]

Without going into the specifics of your situation, I would recommend diluting their presence everyday. If you currently pick up their calls 10 out of 10 times, start by receiving only 9 and so on. If you visit on every festival, start by chopping out a few. Depending on the pace of things, you'll be able to get rid of them in between 6 months and 2 years.

Inevitably then, they'll try and reach out to you - you can then choose the good bits and play them to your advantage as and when needed.

I agree

Gosh I feel so bad for you reading all of that.

 

[Yossarian]

Thank you very much for all of your comments, advice and suggestions. I really appreciate it and take all of it on board.

I'm already not seeing them as often as I would so I'm seeing them even less now.

I guess I've already won the battle as I've made a success of myself and I'm happy with where my life is right now.

I've proved them wrong and they know it.

If that's the way they treat you, then they will never change. If you are unsuccessful, they will look down upon you even more.

But if you make a success of your life, they will be torn with jealously and become even more obnoxious towards you, ready to stab you in the back to bring you down a peg or two.

You're in a no-win situation with them. The only time they will make a pretence of being civil with you and pretend to treat you like family is if/when they need something from you. And once they've had what they need, it will be back to their old selves again.

So your only option is to ignore them and move on with your life.

 

[James]

Without going into the specifics of your situation, I would recommend diluting their presence everyday. If you currently pick up their calls 10 out of 10 times, start by receiving only 9 and so on. If you visit on every festival, start by chopping out a few. Depending on the pace of things, you'll be able to get rid of them in between 6 months and 2 years.

Inevitably then, they'll try and reach out to you - you can then choose the good bits and play them to your advantage as and when needed.

100% spot on.

 

[Chief Destroyer]

Concur with the advice in this thread. Just cut off the cancer.

 

[R3verse Swing]

Without going into the specifics of your situation, I would recommend diluting their presence everyday. If you currently pick up their calls 10 out of 10 times, start by receiving only 9 and so on. If you visit on every festival, start by chopping out a few. Depending on the pace of things, you'll be able to get rid of them in between 6 months and 2 years.

Inevitably then, they'll try and reach out to you - you can then choose the good bits and play them to your advantage as and when needed.

I wouldn't even do that.

Just blank them from the get go. Block their numbers etc.

Hard Brexit stylee!

 

[Abdul]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Have you thought about going no-contact with the narcissists?

 

[Pakistanian]

If they raise their hand on you just report them to the cops, they can act as tough as they want behind bars.

 

[Abdul]

If they raise their hand on you just report them to the cops, they can act as tough as they want behind bars.

Not if he lives in Pakistan.

 

[Hitman]

I personally absolutely despise people who believe in bullying younger ones from their extended families. Apparently such people believe it's their right since they are older.

 

[kaayal]

I don't understand these family feuds....

 

[sjahmed23]

You are entering in their game. Their frame. You simply are giving them too much importance.

I was gonna type get a job and earn money when I was half way your thread but you already are.



Battle is half won.

Now completely ignore em. Develop a smirk. You do not need anyone's respect.

Join a gym. And next time you see your cousins put on a black v-neck t-shirt and show 'em what's up.

Conclusion:
Make good money (which you already are)
Get in best shape you can.
Make new friends.
And BELIEVE, like your life depends on it, that you don't need anyone's approval.

That's what I do

Yep pretty much this, just do you, try not to think too much of others that path will never lead you anywhere. Focus on yourself and be the best you can be, some will like you some will hate you that's just how life is whether it is work, family or any other relationships.

 

[Savak]

I have had this problem and have battled it very deeply. When i moved to Canada from Pakistan 6 years ago, i honestly thought i was extremely lucky and fortunate to have a large family from my fathers side in Canada and that it would be a huge source of strength for me. How completely wrong i was, all i have seen from them is nosyness, gossiping, making fun of people who are struggling, not doing well moneywise, professionally, personal life wise and the same old regressive opinions and the fact that they consider it their divine right to interfere in your personal life under the pretext of emotional blackmail "We do it because we care about you".

If you don't like a stranger, a friend it is easy to cut them out of your life and move on. Unfortunately with relatives especially from your fathers side you have to see their faces, hear their opinions, deal with all the crap that comes along with them every day. It has been a strong source of my depression. I envy those people who live far away from their relatives and build a strong circle of neutral friends.

 

[Napa]

I would say that while removing unpleasant people from your life is important, it is also important to have pleasant people in your life.

I hope you have good relationships in your life, like a spouse/partner, children, good friends etc.

 

[Madplayer]

1) if their presence or absence doesnt matter to you, cut them off completely. slowly or abruptly is upto you. This is the best option and i would choose this personally.

2) if you really want to keep them around, start spending money on them. Buy some gifts for them from time to time.
Do a hell lot of lip service. Your tongue is the biggest weapon that you have. People love hearing good things about themselves. Give it to them and stop pointing out their flaws. Only the ones who love you would know that when you criticise them, it is meant for their benefit. The relatives like yours would think of you as their enemy. Dont gossip with them about anyone else. They will use it. To say only and only good things to them should be your primary aim.

no matter what you do remember how everybody thinks - "I wish you to climb the ladder of success but end up on a step lower than me".

 

[ManFan]

Destroy your enemies by making them your friends.

 

[Napa]

2) if you really want to keep them around, start spending money on them. Buy some gifts for them from time to time.
Do a hell lot of lip service.

This is something you should consider. While your relatives have behaved badly, every human relationship you have can still be valuable.

You can start with "One other aunty don't like me because she's a shallow person and perhaps unhappy in life". Maybe she also has had a hard life and you can bring some happiness into her life. Say a few good things to her, and give her a gift. If she doesn't reciprocate, then don't press, but reduce communication. After a few months or a year try again.

You have no obligation to be nice to people who have treated you badly. But if you are nice to them, it is because you value every human being.

 

[Savak]

This is something you should consider. While your relatives have behaved badly, every human relationship you have can still be valuable.

You can start with "One other aunty don't like me because she's a shallow person and perhaps unhappy in life". Maybe she also has had a hard life and you can bring some happiness into her life. Say a few good things to her, and give her a gift. If she doesn't reciprocate, then don't press, but reduce communication. After a few months or a year try again.

You have no obligation to be nice to people who have treated you badly. But if you are nice to them, it is because you value every human being.

One can't blame a recipient of bad behavior, mistreatment not to be upset and angry. Anyone who wants respect must give respect to get it. In our subcontinental culture older people abuse their authority big time.

 

[giri26]

These people are just bitter in life and they find ways to belittle others. I have had my share of relatives or people who have done that and moving abroad has helped me a lot. I now just can ignore these people and don't care much. This irritates them to the core but I just don't care. I only respect my parents and my sister and her family, don't care of anyone from my Parents side. If they are good to me, I am good to them, if they are not then I am not as well. It is not *** for tat but you have only one life and you can do without such negative influences. Just ignore them and concentrate on your life.

You said that you are now successful and are doing well, that is a great thing and like someone said that is half the battle won.

 

[Suleiman]

Cut them off. No human be it family or friend is worth keeping if they plague your life. There is an abundance of humans out there, if you don't connect with one you will connect with another.

 

[Napa]

One can't blame a recipient of bad behavior, mistreatment not to be upset and angry. Anyone who wants respect must give respect to get it. In our subcontinental culture older people abuse their authority big time.

My suggestion is only to make an effort within limits. One does not need to sacrifice their entire lives trying to help badly behaved people.

But a couple of kinds words and a gift does not take much effort. If it doesn't work, let it go. In life every human relationship is valuable, and one should try to make them better before giving up.

 

[BlackShadow]

You need to stop seeking their approval. Just accept the fact that they don't like you.

 

[LongHorn]

In our culture, and I suspect other Subcontinental cultures as well, the concept of "Beyadobi" in Bangla (Badtameezi) in Urdu exists to act as an enable of all forms of abuse by "elder" relatives towards younger ones.

An elder person can taunt, mock, put down, blackmail, a younger person in any way possible, but if the victim responds, he or she is branded "beyadob" by other relatives. The smart ones don't care if they are call as such, but weaker types may choose to accept abusive and impolite behavior in fear of being called impolite

 

[Dulex9]

Thank you all very much for your comments, advice and suggestions.

I really appreciate the responses and I'll take everything on board.

Thanks guys

 

[ahmedzee]

There's too much to go into here but two of my uncles have bullied, abused me.

One of my aunties want her sons to be superior to me, her son is a right so and so too, once he insulted my mother knowing she passed away a long time ago. One other aunty don't like me because she's a shallow person and perhaps unhappy in life.

The third uncle has a big ego and wants to be right and is dogmatic.

There's also a cousin in law who follows the crowd and anything good that happens he becomes sarcastic. Maybe he's influenced by others.

They all gossip about me and have no affection for my family.

They don't think much of me, don't respect me and they are just sad people, they have no empathy, compassion for the hard life I've been through especially since I lost my mother when I was aged 12.

Now I'm becoming successful and earning good money, they have ignored and not bothered to acknowledge me the last 7 times I've seen them, amazing! They don't want to acknowledge it.

They say nice things to others, give them support and encouragement, but never to me? They know I've overcome any obstacles, they know I did it on my own, they are trying to manipulate and brainwash me.

Is their anyway to win? In the sense they will shut up? They are still gossiping, being sarcastic, ostracising me. 2 cousins and all of my uncle and aunties. I've suffered enough, but in my good times it's almost like they want me to lose.

They are making me the scapegoat and I believe they want me to continue to be the black sheep in the family.

How can I win here and shut them up?

Hey man, I have gone through the exact same situation. Rude chachas/chachis/phuppos etc. and they don't care to acknowledge you have done something special in life. Their kids have not gone to any university in life (neither did they) yet they are quick to discredit your achievement, even if you have been to the best school in Canada, and working for one of the top 25 companies. My question to you is, are they more educated and morally right than you are? If they are not, then dont bother what they say. Infact, keep ignoring them. That's what I am doing right now. Life is too short to care about all the negative people in life. Let them be in their own good world where they thing they're the best.

 

[Pakistanian]

Success is the best revenge, show them up!