My first experience on a matrimonial site and what I have experienced, learnt so far

[Savak]

This is something i never ever thought i would do in a million years. The whole idea and concept terrified me and for me i thought it was the platform of the last resort and a place where people lie and where mostly the most unattractive options gather.

My therapist strongly suggested i do something to move on from my crush not being reciprocated and suggested that perhaps registering for a Matrimonial website could be a good step. She was like whats the harm in it, you have nothing to lose and you don't have to commit to anyone at gunpoint.

So i decided to give it a try and i went behind my parents back and fully uploaded my bio data, my pictures, my hobbies, height, weight, education, field e.t.c and went in with the attitude to see lets see what the response, feedback is. I did not lie about my age and i told the truth that i will be 34 years old this year.

For partner preferences i chose the age range from 18 to 26, for the list of countries interested i mentioned Canada, USA, UK, UAE and Pakistan. For desired language i included English, Urdu, Hindi, Punjabi, Pashto, Balochi, Sindhi. Education, Cast, Sect i left doesn't matter. For marital status i chose never married.

The results have been interesting, i have received decent responses from girls and parents/siblings of girls between 20-25, but the bulk of the responses i have received from girls in their late 20's, early 30's from Canada, USA, UK.

To my surprise there are actually some pretty cute looking girls online, atleast way more than i expected initially and even better there are a lot of girls who may not necessarily have fashion model looks but are very easy going and nice to converse with.

One of the challenges has been is that some of the girls operating their own accounts demand instant commitment i.e. we are only going to talk in detail if you are actually serious and committed towards marrying me, get your parents involved immediately and i try to reason with them that i cannot do that until i spend some time getting to know you, understand what you look like, what your personality is like, how do you speak and carry yourself.

I have made a few really good female friends from UAE, Pakistan and India where we talk freely about our lives, experiences, daily routine, worries e.t.c. and where there is no expectation from either side and both of us are fine with just being friends. Initially i used to have a very negative opinion of girls in their late 20's and early 30's being single and unmarried because my elders mostly influenced my thought process i.e. these girls are too modern, these girls are hardcore feminists man haters, these girls will keep you on a leash and are going to be completely set in their ways. But nope, after speaking to some of these women, i have actually come to respect and admire them even more, a lot of girls have had to shoulder immense responsibilities that i could only dream off and have had to face unfortunate circumstances for e.g. dad passed away due to a stroke when she was young, the family went through financial hardship and she had to compromise on her dream of pursuing medicine and had to put food on the table, earn enough to get the rest of her siblings settled. Fingers crossed whether the stories are true or not.

But the app has also exposed me to certain questions and dilemmas i never thought i would need to deal with. For e.g. there were 1-2 really cute attractive girls around 22-23 years old i was speaking with and they were demanding an instant commitment from me, but their education shockingly upon learning was b.com at best and i could tell from their pics that they came from extremely poor families. I come from a highly educated family where both my folks are doctors and all my aunts, uncles, no one is less than a PHD, Doctor, Engineer, Architect, MBA or runs their own business and i know it will just not fly with my family. So after interacting with a couple of those people, i updated my profile and insisted that a potential partner needs to have a decent level of education or needs to be looking to pursue an education.

Naturally the profiles being operated by parents and siblings, it is natural to expect them to demand commitment up front and demanding to speak to parents, but what ticks me off is that they dont even have the courage to upload 1-2 pictures of their daughters online and i tell these parents very honestly look i need to see a pic or two otherwise this conversation is over.

But yes, the app also reinforced some of my fears as well. It indeed by and large is a platform for people who don't have a lot of options. In the West it is understandable why Pak and Indian families use it because of such a limited community. As i feared a lot of girls list their age as 23-24, list extremely old pics and upon looking at their actual pic you easily get the impression that they are lieing about their age and are actually in their 30's. Some women listing their age as 29-30, when you look at their pics you can tell they are approaching 40. One very attractive girl from Peshawar i was speaking to had listed her age as 25-26 and after speaking to her for a bit, she had a guilty attack and was like listen i dont want to waste your time anymore, i have lied about my age, i am actually 33 years old. I didn't admonish her or anything, just politely in a joking manner queried why would she do that, why not tell the truth and she was like you don't understand how hard it is for women and if they list their age as 32-33, they are going to get hit on by 45-50 years old individuals and she wants someone in their 20's to early 30's and guys like me demand girls around 23-26 which creates problems for her.

Some girls and parents criticized me for why am i using this App if i wasn't interested in marrying asap. I explained to them it is not that i don't want to marry, i do but i need to be sure and it is not like i am desperate or anything. They then criticized me for using the App and platform unethically and that my approach of going through profiles and girls one by one was sexually predatorial. Its funny no one criticizes a really attractive girl with plenty of options for having the right to decide when to speak to a guy, when to start ignoring him.

Anyways by and large i am still circumspect. I insist on a phonecall conversation with the girl as well because i have done that to a few girls and to my shock, their voices clearly indicated they belonged to extremely uneducated, impoverished backgrounds and that they were not who they appeared to be when being chatted with.

For me this is just a platform to see what else is out there and to help me move on from my unrequited crush. But i have to admit there has been a huge improvement in my self esteem and ego, i haven't lied about my age of 34 but the vast majority of girls, parents commented in disbelief that you don't look 34 at all and that we felt you were 25-26 at least which is inline with what the ***** and gori's feel about me here in Canada.

Looking forward to being mocked, criticized, riddiculed and being made fun off now lol

 

[Halaribo]

I'm still trying to work out if you're for real or not.

 

[Greenstorm]

Its nice that you have finally moved on. Hopefully everything will workout for you .

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

You're the first Pakistani man I know who's got a therapist. Or at least the first who admitted it publicly, just so you know.

Looking forward to being mocked, criticized, riddiculed and being made fun off now lol

No, at least you got courage to post!
Girte Hain shahswar hi maidan-e-janh main!

I don't think you'll ever find a woman up to your standards. Realistically speaking. And no intention to bring your morale down. Just an observation.

 

[Savak]

You're the first Pakistani man I know who's got a therapist. Or at least the first who admitted it publicly, just so you know.


No, at least you got courage to post!
Girte Hain shahswar hi maidan-e-janh main!

I don't think you'll ever find a woman up to your standards. Realistically speaking. And no intention to bring your morale down. Just an observation.

Realistically speaking, i don't think i can compromise on education regardless of how attractive the other person is.

 

[Stewie]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]...

Just to let you know, you registered on a matrimonial site.. not a dating site.. of course any girl belonging to a respectable family will humor you only if you are serious and would like the family involved immediately..

If thats not what you are looking to do, go find a dating site..

Please treat pakistani females with the same respect you would your own sister. You cant expect them to have a phone or real fling with you first just so you can “know them better”

Thats the deal with our culture, unfortunately take it or leave it when it comes to this stuff.. unless you already know someone and go that route, you have to take a leap of faith here.

 

[Savak]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]...

Just to let you know, you registered on a matrimonial site.. not a dating site.. of course any girl belonging to a respectable family will humor you only if you are serious and would like the family involved immediately..

If thats not what you are looking to do, go find a dating site..

Please treat pakistani females with the same respect you would your own sister. You cant expect them to have a phone or real fling with you first just so you can “know them better”

Thats the deal with our culture, unfortunately take it or leave it when it comes to this stuff.. unless you already know someone and go that route, you have to take a leap of faith here.

I know. Ofcourse. I haven't behaved inappropriately with anyone. Some of them have agreed to just chit chat and just be friends. Not everyone over there is looking to dive into a relationship asap, some have even admitted this is just another avenue for them

 

[Sirris]

So basically you signed up on a matrimonial site with a large userbase of Pakistanis who already have a rather conservative, no-bullsh*t approach to this stuff. While your attitude is non-serious with the main intention to get over your crush, have fun chitchating and testing the water.

Should have gone with tinder or POF.

 

[Savak]

So basically you signed up on a matrimonial site with a large userbase of Pakistanis who already have a rather conservative, no-bullsh*t approach to this stuff. While your attitude is non-serious with the main intention to get over your crush, have fun chitchating and testing the water.

Should have gone with tinder or POF.

Not everyone there is traditional and conservative. Certainly not some Pak Canadians, Americans or British girls.

I am also on Tinder, just don't know how to use it yet

 

[sjahmed23]

Why not just go the traditional route and marry someone in Pakistan. I've seen just about anyone with a foreign passport find love in the homeland. I think you're making it too complicated on yourself.

 

[gkb101277867]

Why not just go the traditional route and marry someone in Pakistan. I've seen just about anyone with a foreign passport find love in the homeland. I think you're making it too complicated on yourself.

How would he go about doing that? He's not exactly going to land at the airport in pakistan and girls are going to be standing in a line waiting for him.

The website is a way for him to find potential rishta matches. The only other way I can think of is employing one of those rishta aunties in pakistan who people go to.

Nothing happens on it's own

 

[gazza619]

So you think if a girl has done bachelors in commerce, that is not decent level of education? Like seriously?

PS: I am not a Bcom

 

[Sachin136]

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]...

Just to let you know, you registered on a matrimonial site.. not a dating site.. of course any girl belonging to a respectable family will humor you only if you are serious and would like the family involved immediately..

If thats not what you are looking to do, go find a dating site..

Please treat pakistani females with the same respect you would your own sister. You cant expect them to have a phone or real fling with you first just so you can “know them better”

Thats the deal with our culture, unfortunately take it or leave it when it comes to this stuff.. unless you already know someone and go that route, you have to take a leap of faith here.

Even if he expects them to have a phone, or try dating for a while, there's nothing disrespectful about it.

 

[ElRaja]

interesting thread, i think there is defo an issue with desi girls feeling pressure to marry, which manifests in being fairly pushy on commitment from the get go. having said that the fact that you are choosing so many countries would certainly force the girls hand, its not like you can date and evaluate each other in real life in a normal environment, playing the "introduce parents" card is a great way to weed out potential cat fishes and time wasters.

also your age range is way too optimistic dude, you have to remember these girls are being bombarded with hits from every tom, dick and harroon. your 34 and aiming at an average of 22, unless you are brad pitt, loaded or have some other extraordinary trait no girl will be willing to invest in you, hence again, playing the "serious" card, in which case your competition drops off significantly if you are willing for marriage.

a lot of younger girls will chat to you cos they like the attention but in the grand context will just be wasting your time. limit yourself to travelling distance, up the age to 26-32 (which is still at the optimistic end imo) and your experience is likely to change considerably imo. good luck.

 

[Savak]

interesting thread, i think there is defo an issue with desi girls feeling pressure to marry, which manifests in being fairly pushy on commitment from the get go. having said that the fact that you are choosing so many countries would certainly force the girls hand, its not like you can date and evaluate each other in real life in a normal environment, playing the "introduce parents" card is a great way to weed out potential cat fishes and time wasters.

also your age range is way too optimistic dude, you have to remember these girls are being bombarded with hits from every tom, dick and harroon. your 34 and aiming at an average of 22, unless you are brad pitt, loaded or have some other extraordinary trait no girl will be willing to invest in you, hence again, playing the "serious" card, in which case your competition drops off significantly if you are willing for marriage.

a lot of younger girls will chat to you cos they like the attention but in the grand context will just be wasting your time. limit yourself to travelling distance, up the age to 26-32 (which is still at the optimistic end imo) and your experience is likely to change considerably imo. good luck.

Actually plenty of parents of 22-24 year old girls get excited seeing a guy with a foreign passport. It's definitely not out of the question as people like to propagate. But i have come across some 28-32 year olds how were way more attractive than some of these younger attractive but inter metric b com type girls. A lot of young 23-25 year old MBBS graduates looking for a pathway to the US and the parents have even listed green card as a requirement and listed that the daughter is studying for the USMLE exams

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Realistically speaking, i don't think i can compromise on education regardless of how attractive the other person is.

Shouldn't really be a problem then. Just find a less attractive girl/boy with a good education.

 

[ElRaja]

Actually plenty of parents of 22-24 year old girls get excited seeing a guy with a foreign passport. It's definitely not out of the question as people like to propagate. But i have come across some 28-32 year olds how were way more attractive than some of these younger attractive but inter metric b com type girls. A lot of young 23-25 year old MBBS graduates looking for a pathway to the US and the parents have even listed green card as a requirement and listed that the daughter is studying for the USMLE exams

hence my comment regarding why they are so intent on seeing signs of commitment, its a different ball game if you are willing and ready to marry. women have all the bargaining power in the dating game, men pull the balance back significantly in the marriage game.

also would you be willing to accept marrying a girl who primarily sees you as a ticket to leave Pakistan, and who is likely to be on a significantly different mental wavelength to you., id think you'd want more than that to build a relationship on, however each to their own.

 

[YousafTheBeast]

Just don’t get catfished bro, don’t want to end up on MTV and realising you’re chatting up a male.

 

[PakLFC]

Yeah most ladies want promises that both are for each other that can not be made so easily or at least until the two get to know each other. There are some gorgeous Muslim ladies on Muslim matrimonial sites in particular the most prominent one. When I was a member for a few weeks to test the water many would make contact yet not reply to the second or third mail giving the impression they were looking fir a wealthy guy or just to pass time. There is always a risk of false identity which is why so many are reluctant to have a phone chat or meet up. Some seem to be looking for a visa or see marriage as a means to secure freedom from over protective parents.

 

[Itachi]

Ok Savak, this time, you have disappointed me.

It's ok to set some boundaries. But then you've started to talk with someone and when you came to know they are from weak backgrounds, you've avoided them.

There's no rule saying you can't do it. I just feel, it is judging upon factors that one may not have control over it.

You have a tendency to micro analyze anything and then make conclusion on those where just one slight misconception could lead to ultimately far from the truth.

I've know you from before and I know you're a genuine guy. Perhaps, you want to sit back for a while and think about your priorities. What I am saying here is YOUR PRIORITIES. NOT WHAT YOUR PARENT OR FRIENDS DECIDE FOR YOU.

 

[LegCutter]

Extremely interesting and thought provoking thread, thank you Savak. I came out of PP hibernation to comment on it.

I find various things interesting.
Your openness at seeking therapy for having difficulty coping with an unreciprocated crush. I also participate in therapy to help me with debilitating anxiety; and coming from a very traditional family, I have not shared this with anyone but my wife. I fear it will be looked upon as 'weakness' in my traditional Pakistani family where seeking therapy can be thought of weakness in masculinity and lacking stoicness.

I am not surprised at the girls requesting instant commitment. It's definitely sub-optimal but I understand why they do it.

Unlike some of the other comments here, your prerequisite for education is completely acceptable in my view. Ultimately you are looking for a life-partner, even though at present you are using it a stepping stone in recovering from unrequited romance, and you get to decide what minimum level of education would be acceptable to you in a potential partner.

Kudos Savak, and thanks for sharing this.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Why at 34 are you looking for girls who are 18 years old?

You have wrote nothing about what kind of personality you like, if they are kind, hard working, what principles they hold etc. All you seem to want is a young pretty bride, we dont need to guess why.

There's obviously things you aren't saying about yourself and I find it hard to believe your family can't find you a suitibale wife esp as you say you are all proffesionals/high earners. What is your real issue?

 

[Savak]

Why at 34 are you looking for girls who are 18 years old?

You have wrote nothing about what kind of personality you like, if they are kind, hard working, what principles they hold etc. All you seem to want is a young pretty bride, we dont need to guess why.

There's obviously things you aren't saying about yourself and I find it hard to believe your family can't find you a suitibale wife esp as you say you are all proffesionals/high earners. What is your real issue?

Actually the younger you select on the app, the more matches you get who are 22-25. Everytime i am asked the question, i answer someone good looking but most importantly someone with a nice caring sensitive sweet heart who is deep down a good human being, a good home maker, someone decently educated or looking to pursue a decent education, someone who can be my best friend, life long companion and i will do everything i can to help her realize her personal and professional aspirations.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Actually the younger you select on the app, the more matches you get who are 22-25. Everytime i am asked the question, i answer someone good looking but most importantly someone with a nice caring sensitive sweet heart who is deep down a good human being, a good home maker, someone decently educated or looking to pursue a decent education, someone who can be my best friend, life long companion and i will do everything i can to help her realize her personal and professional aspirations.

What's wrong with someone your age or near your age?

 

[UP]

Why at 34 are you looking for girls who are 18 years old?

You have wrote nothing about what kind of personality you like, if they are kind, hard working, what principles they hold etc. All you seem to want is a young pretty bride, we dont need to guess why.

There's obviously things you aren't saying about yourself and I find it hard to believe your family can't find you a suitibale wife esp as you say you are all proffesionals/high earners. What is your real issue?

Him and his family need to take look into the mirror. They are all very pare likhe but it seems like they look down upon who is not that para likha along with not enough dollars. These are the burger families who think the world revolves around them. OP needs a long break along with his family.

I keep distance from extreme pare likhe log only because you they carry themselves. Just look at the op’s family’s history.

 

[Savak]

What's wrong with someone your age or near your age?

Nothing, if they are decent looking and attractive i will go for it. But some people have mentioned anecdotes to me and there are some fears that someone close to my age right now would most probably be a very successful established professional and very set in her own life style and ways. I have heard of anecdotes where two people marrying late had problems because they had their own careers, own circle of friends, were so used to living their own independent lives and ultimately the marriage collapsed a year later because they could just not compromise.

 

[Savak]

Extremely interesting and thought provoking thread, thank you Savak. I came out of PP hibernation to comment on it.

I find various things interesting.
Your openness at seeking therapy for having difficulty coping with an unreciprocated crush. I also participate in therapy to help me with debilitating anxiety; and coming from a very traditional family, I have not shared this with anyone but my wife. I fear it will be looked upon as 'weakness' in my traditional Pakistani family where seeking therapy can be thought of weakness in masculinity and lacking stoicness.

I am not surprised at the girls requesting instant commitment. It's definitely sub-optimal but I understand why they do it.

Unlike some of the other comments here, your prerequisite for education is completely acceptable in my view. Ultimately you are looking for a life-partner, even though at present you are using it a stepping stone in recovering from unrequited romance, and you get to decide what minimum level of education would be acceptable to you in a potential partner.

Kudos Savak, and thanks for sharing this.

The education requirement is just very realistic. I know for a fact that my parents will be extremely concerned at me opting for someone who is decent looking but has had very minimal exposure to the world, speaks very poor english, came from a very very humble background and it does make a difference because the way you chat in your lingo, they don't, their world wide orientation, understanding, goals are totally different. My parents are going to insist on someone who can be a professional and earn herself, they don't want me to be the sole bread earner in the family and the days of a wife just being a pure housewife is long gone.

Plus i know of some girls from poor humble backgrounds who have refused to marry into big rich families for this reason as well.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Him and his family need to take look into the mirror. They are all very pare likhe but it seems like they look down upon who is not that para likha along with not enough dollars. These are the burger families who think the world revolves around them. OP needs a long break along with his family.

I keep distance from extreme pare likhe log only because you they carry themselves. Just look at the op’s family’s history.

You may have hit the nail on the head here.

Some people have far too many expections for themselves.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Nothing, if they are decent looking and attractive i will go for it. But some people have mentioned anecdotes to me and there are some fears that someone close to my age right now would most probably be a very successful established professional and very set in her own life style and ways. I have heard of anecdotes where two people marrying late had problems because they had their own careers, own circle of friends, were so used to living their own independent lives and ultimately the marriage collapsed a year later because they could just not compromise.

In England we have a saying 'beggars cant be choosers'. Perhaps you're not in a position to limit your possiblities? Men at 34 who are struggling to find a wife is a very rare thing esp for those with a desi background. Give it another 6 years and no 18 year old will consider marrying a 40 year old man in this day and age.

Two questions.

1. Why not go out and try to meet girls? You live in Canada I believe, no shortage of Desi girls.

2. Why dont your family look for a wife for you? They could find you a selection to choose from aka the goold old arranged marriage route.

 

[UP]

You may have hit the nail on the head here.

Some people have far too many expections for themselves.

Extreme pari likhi families have a lot of nakhre. They think highly of themselves and seem to think they own this world. They want the combo in hubby/wife (highly educated, attractive, outgoing, social and what not). They want the perfect human being. Well, my friends you rarely get the combo in life. The most important thing these burger families forget is that two minds and pesonalities have to click before you jump on education bandwagon.

Savak, I completed a simple bachelors years ago so that means I know less about this world than you? I dont know how to behave in society? Or I dont know how to talk with people just because I’m less educated than you? Or maybe I cant be a family man because I have not done Masters? Or perhaps I cant go outside and enjoy an evening because I havent completed PhD? Or I wont find work because I’m less eductaed?

Put me in the girls place - you might have thought that I’m unpar with a simple bachelor. A lot of nakhre and demands I guess.

My personal view is that the more para likha insaan the more complicated life will be. The girl I was with for years was not very pari likhi but I loved her personality. I tried my best to marry her but things fell apart between two families (still trying to get things sorted between to khandaans).

 

[Pakistanian]

The education requirement is just very realistic. I know for a fact that my parents will be extremely concerned at me opting for someone who is decent looking but has had very minimal exposure to the world, speaks very poor english, came from a very very humble background and it does make a difference because the way you chat in your lingo, they don't, their world wide orientation, understanding, goals are totally different. My parents are going to insist on someone who can be a professional and earn herself, they don't want me to be the sole bread earner in the family and the days of a wife just being a pure housewife is long gone.

Plus i know of some girls from poor humble backgrounds who have refused to marry into big rich families for this reason as well.

Dude you mentioned that you were diagnosed with autism and like 34? You need to realize that everybody has to compromise and can't always get what they want. If getting girls was so easy then you wouldn't have taken the online route and instead met girls on your own which shouldn't be a problem in Toronto like [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] said.

 

[GoUgandaCranes]

Not everyone there is traditional and conservative. Certainly not some Pak Canadians, Americans or British girls.

I am also on Tinder, just don't know how to use it yet

Swipe right. Yes.
Swipe left. No.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Swipe right. Yes.
Swipe left. No.

Dont forget to edit settings for age 18-24 and distance 'worldwide'

I really dont understand how a person can view a photo of somone online and decide they like that person? They may turn out to be a right clown and look nothing like they do with those filters added.

 

[ElRaja]

Dont forget to edit settings for age 18-24 and distance 'worldwide'

I really dont understand how a person can view a photo of somone online and decide they like that person? They may turn out to be a right clown and look nothing like they do with those filters added.

very few do, the ones who do generally want to meet up immediately cos they've been catfished in the past. its marketing at the end of the day, you put your best version forward. im pretty sure the op looks much better in his pics than real life too, but form the OP pov, he'll struggle to ask out uni girls as a 34 year old dude irl imo, the overlap of social circles would be nigh on non-existent i would think.

some younger girls crave the attention and validation of older men, hence they will become online chat buddies or whatever, but when push comes to shove they will stick to someone closer to their age unless you have some outstanding features, even then i would think they would max stretch to 7 or 8 years.

 

[KingKhanWC]

very few do, the ones who do generally want to meet up immediately cos they've been catfished in the past. its marketing at the end of the day, you put your best version forward. im pretty sure the op looks much better in his pics than real life too, but form the OP pov, he'll struggle to ask out uni girls as a 34 year old dude irl imo, the overlap of social circles would be nigh on non-existent i would think.

some younger girls crave the attention and validation of older men, hence they will become online chat buddies or whatever, but when push comes to shove they will stick to someone closer to their age unless you have some outstanding features, even then i would think they would max stretch to 7 or 8 years.

I think it depends on the culture, background and personality of the girl. We both know of older British Pakistani men who have married younger girls from Pakistan but usually these are from poor families. If it's UK non-Asians, if they like you they are not too worried about age either but such types are very liberal free flowing who might wake up one day and decide then want a change. I guess those online are online because they dont have the social skills to meet people outside or perhaps they just want attention as you have said.

I feel for Savak tbf, it must be a little scary reaching near mid 30's and wondering when a marriage will coming knocking but you have to change your expections as time flys by. Im sure there's many like him reading this thread and if so it would be nice to hear their story too.

 

[Savak]

So you think if a girl has done bachelors in commerce, that is not decent level of education? Like seriously?

PS: I am not a Bcom

Lol my folks have this attitude that inter, metric, fsc, b.com, BA, MA are unacceptable and too low. They don't want someone from an extremely humble low socio economic background either. Actually its not about someone not being well off as plenty of my friends in Pakistan arent well off, but its about your class. I would prefer the girl to have at the very least been through the O and A level system, private high school and looking to study something respectable from a ranked university. My mother deep down has a solid preferance for a Doctor Bahu and a pathan

 

[Pakistanian]

Lol my folks have this attitude that inter, metric, fsc, b.com, BA, MA are unacceptable and too low. They don't want someone from an extremely humble low socio economic background either. Actually its not about someone not being well off as plenty of my friends in Pakistan arent well off, but its about your class. I would prefer the girl to have at the very least been through the O and A level system, private high school and looking to study something respectable from a ranked university. My mother deep down has a solid preferance for a Doctor Bahu and a pathan

beggars can't be choosers, maybe letting go of the elitism would help your problem.

 

[Savak]

Just don’t get catfished bro, don’t want to end up on MTV and realising you’re chatting up a male.

Lol, i read up somewhere on an article involving a rishta aunty in Lahore where she hooked the guy up with a girl and a family and after the wedding took place at night, the guy found out the wife was a transfestite.

 

[Savak]

beggars can't be choosers, maybe letting go of the elitism would help your problem.

There is certainly no begging here and neither is there any desperation here. I am used to living a bachelor life and i can live the next 30-40-50 years whatever life i have left on this planet the same way. There is a lot more to do on this life than just be married for the sake of it because you are expected too.

Just as an analogy a guy who goes to an IVY league school, has a western orientation cannot be expected to just blindly accept a wife who is just an inter, metric, b com or MA graduate. This is not elitism, this is being realistic. Most families believe that you shouldn't marry too low and too high. My mamu was a highly educated PHD but his mom got him married to an absolute paindu and the marriage is a miserable compromise where deep down my Mamu wishes he had done much better. I do know of a few very select exception where some guys who married extremely late in life but were extremely well settled with money, assets decided to marry a young girl with a low socio economic class, education with the understanding that she will strictly give him kids, look after the house, affairs. But i dont want to do that.

Il be honest, a big turn on for me is a girl who speaks good English, a sweet accent and has some personality. Speaking to someone with a pure Urdu, Paindu accent, broken English and where the girl is super excited that she is speaking to a guy who is a huge upgrade for her and the family is a huge turn off.

 

[Savak]

In England we have a saying 'beggars cant be choosers'. Perhaps you're not in a position to limit your possiblities? Men at 34 who are struggling to find a wife is a very rare thing esp for those with a desi background. Give it another 6 years and no 18 year old will consider marrying a 40 year old man in this day and age.

Two questions.

1. Why not go out and try to meet girls? You live in Canada I believe, no shortage of Desi girls.

2. Why dont your family look for a wife for you? They could find you a selection to choose from aka the goold old arranged marriage route.

I wont say i am struggling and its not just about marrying someone young for the sake of it. I work for an accounting firm and the hours are going to be brutal now during tax season. Plus my academic commitments are such i have to be careful with my time outside of work.

I am using the matrimonial websites as an avenue to keep my options open. I haven't even told my parents yet, if they find out they will kill me. For now my folks are primarily going to be using their own contacts, referrals, family/friends/colleauges recommendations.

 

[Savak]

Extreme pari likhi families have a lot of nakhre. They think highly of themselves and seem to think they own this world. They want the combo in hubby/wife (highly educated, attractive, outgoing, social and what not). They want the perfect human being. Well, my friends you rarely get the combo in life. The most important thing these burger families forget is that two minds and pesonalities have to click before you jump on education bandwagon.

Savak, I completed a simple bachelors years ago so that means I know less about this world than you? I dont know how to behave in society? Or I dont know how to talk with people just because I’m less educated than you? Or maybe I cant be a family man because I have not done Masters? Or perhaps I cant go outside and enjoy an evening because I havent completed PhD? Or I wont find work because I’m less eductaed?

Put me in the girls place - you might have thought that I’m unpar with a simple bachelor. A lot of nakhre and demands I guess.

My personal view is that the more para likha insaan the more complicated life will be. The girl I was with for years was not very pari likhi but I loved her personality. I tried my best to marry her but things fell apart between two families (still trying to get things sorted between to khandaans).

I should elaborate, there is a difference between someone who went through the O/A Level education system, got a simple bachelors from Institutes likes Lums, IBA, Szabist, CBM, or a Western University, a medical student from AKU, Dow, an arts student from NCA or Indus Valley and someone who went through the metric, inter education system and then went to colleges like Hamdard, and other less well renowned schools.

I am not looking for someone from an IVY league school or someone with an MBA. Let me also give another example where there were two different girls suggested to me, one was a 27 year old Harvard graduate and another was a highly qualified 28 year old Chartered Accountant int the UK but lol on both occasions my dad especially got cold feet and was like make a few inquiries but dont aggressively pursue it because these girls are going to put him on a leash and really stick it to him.

 

[Pakistanian]

There is certainly no begging here and neither is there any desperation here. I am used to living a bachelor life and i can live the next 30-40-50 years whatever life i have left on this planet the same way. There is a lot more to do on this life than just be married for the sake of it because you are expected too.

Just as an analogy a guy who goes to an IVY league school, has a western orientation cannot be expected to just blindly accept a wife who is just an inter, metric, b com or MA graduate. This is not elitism, this is being realistic. Most families believe that you shouldn't marry too low and too high. My mamu was a highly educated PHD but his mom got him married to an absolute paindu and the marriage is a miserable compromise where deep down my Mamu wishes he had done much better. I do know of a few very select exception where some guys who married extremely late in life but were extremely well settled with money, assets decided to marry a young girl with a low socio economic class, education with the understanding that she will strictly give him kids, look after the house, affairs. But i dont want to do that.

Il be honest, a big turn on for me is a girl who speaks good English, a sweet accent and has some personality. Speaking to someone with a pure Urdu, Paindu accent, broken English and where the girl is super excited that she is speaking to a guy who is a huge upgrade for her and the family is a huge turn off.

Dude everybody here speaks English, that's such a fob thing to look for in a girl. I get what you're saying, I personally wouldn't marry girl that grew up in Pakistan no matter how rich or educated are family is because of the cultural difference between us American-born and raised Pakistanis and people over there. You're right to have a preference but truth is most girls may not want to marry some guy in his mid 30s who is also neurodivergent.

 

[ElRaja]

I think it depends on the culture, background and personality of the girl. We both know of older British Pakistani men who have married younger girls from Pakistan but usually these are from poor families. If it's UK non-Asians, if they like you they are not too worried about age either but such types are very liberal free flowing who might wake up one day and decide then want a change. I guess those online are online because they dont have the social skills to meet people outside or perhaps they just want attention as you have said.

most girls tend to be more socially adept than lads anyway, so even socially awkward girls are generally not complete misfits, im guessing, and whilst your right about non-asians stressing less about the age gap i think in terms of meeting people the free flowing liberalism makes it a lot easier to get to know someone.

I feel for Savak tbf, it must be a little scary reaching near mid 30's and wondering when a marriage will coming knocking but you have to change your expections as time flys by. Im sure there's many like him reading this thread and if so it would be nice to hear their story too.

im heading towards a similar situation to the op, altho im a fair few years younger. the major difference being i kinda found myself a lot later in life, when i clocked my lack of being religious is a massive hindrance to finding a desi girl, and if religion is not a consideration limiting myself to desi girls didn't make sense, if that makes sense, lol.

im guessing (if you allow me the prejudicial liberty given your religious leanings) you got married fairly young.

Just as an analogy a guy who goes to an IVY league school, has a western orientation cannot be expected to just blindly accept a wife who is just an inter, metric, b com or MA graduate. This is not elitism, this is being realistic. Most families believe that you shouldn't marry too low and too high. My mamu was a highly educated PHD but his mom got him married to an absolute paindu and the marriage is a miserable compromise where deep down my Mamu wishes he had done much better. I do know of a few very select exception where some guys who married extremely late in life but were extremely well settled with money, assets decided to marry a young girl with a low socio economic class, education with the understanding that she will strictly give him kids, look after the house, affairs. But i dont want to do that.

Il be honest, a big turn on for me is a girl who speaks good English, a sweet accent and has some personality. Speaking to someone with a pure Urdu, Paindu accent, broken English and where the girl is super excited that she is speaking to a guy who is a huge upgrade for her and the family is a huge turn off.

you need to deselect the uk from ur list bro. no brit girl in her right mind would tolerate that attitude. what will your future wife do with your ivy league education. am i missing something here, whats the whole deal about being ivy league educated? you got into a good school like a decade ago, who gives a rats behind about it now.

 

[waqar goraya]

Some people complicate things too much and some take way too lightly.

Some yearn for perfection which they are unable to find. And when they reject one, two, three proposals, the pressure increases. Now, they feel that they must find a princess to justify "no" to earlier proposals. The search gets more intense with every dead end.
One of my friends, a well groomed guy, Mphil in Marketing, doing his own business, has been unable to find a match for 3 years. Last time, they even set the date for Nikah and later both parties backtracked. The girl was a MBBS and their parents told the boy's family after setting the date that she wanted to stay in Lahore ( boy's family is from nearby city ) for house job after marriage, this and couple of other minor things ended the relationship. To make the matter worse, they are distant relatives.
I don't know why some people can be so naive, these elementary questions should be settled before you fix the date of your engagement.

 

[Savak]

Some people complicate things too much and some take way too lightly.

Some yearn for perfection which they are unable to find. And when they reject one, two, three proposals, the pressure increases. Now, they feel that they must find a princess to justify "no" to earlier proposals. The search gets more intense with every dead end.
One of my friends, a well groomed guy, Mphil in Marketing, doing his own business, has been unable to find a match for 3 years. Last time, they even set the date for Nikah and later both parties backtracked. The girl was a MBBS and their parents told the boy's family after setting the date that she wanted to stay in Lahore ( boy's family is from nearby city ) for house job after marriage, this and couple of other minor things ended the relationship. To make the matter worse, they are distant relatives.
I don't know why some people can be so naive, these elementary questions should be settled before you fix the date of your engagement.

Lol, i think she probably got cold feet, probably found another better option or didn't like the guy and tried to find an excuse to make it impossible. Have heard of many such episodes which is why a lot of parents insist on the smallest possible gap between Engagement and Nikkah and Nikkah and final wedding ceremony. Most elders in my family strictly say no more than a year max. I

 

[waqar goraya]

you need to deselect the uk from ur list bro. no brit girl in her right mind would tolerate that attitude. what will your future wife do with your ivy league education. am i missing something here, whats the whole deal about being ivy league educated? you got into a good school like a decade ago, who gives a rats behind about it now.

That's savage. People moving from lower middle class to upper middle class and just below elites are most conscious about this status thing.

The friend that i mentioned above is not super rich. Now, i was hearing that there was a proposal of a MBBS girl whose father was a District Judge. I asked him why did not he see the possibility here. And he told me that the father had retired from service so not up to their standard. That his uncle does not find them up to their standard!

And the family has been actively pursuing for a match for 3 years !

 

[Savak]

Some people complicate things too much and some take way too lightly.

Some yearn for perfection which they are unable to find. And when they reject one, two, three proposals, the pressure increases. Now, they feel that they must find a princess to justify "no" to earlier proposals. The search gets more intense with every dead end.
One of my friends, a well groomed guy, Mphil in Marketing, doing his own business, has been unable to find a match for 3 years. Last time, they even set the date for Nikah and later both parties backtracked. The girl was a MBBS and their parents told the boy's family after setting the date that she wanted to stay in Lahore ( boy's family is from nearby city ) for house job after marriage, this and couple of other minor things ended the relationship. To make the matter worse, they are distant relatives.
I don't know why some people can be so naive, these elementary questions should be settled before you fix the date of your engagement.

For me, the biggest guiding principle for me is how super excited my parents especially my mom is over a girl. It is parental instinct where they find someone really good, they will immediately share their excitement with their son and strongly impress upon them to not let her slip.

My folks suggested one girl in the family in 2015, then they suggested my first cousin (my mom was very upset about it initially but in hindsight she now proudly admits that i made the right choice after she discovered that the girl drinks and smokes in real life). After that they haven't suggested anyone. I am just shocked that they knew i really liked this girl a lot and they were happily willing not to do anything about it even if it meant me getting older and older and my options decreasing. How many parents actually do this? Most common anecdotes i have heard from guys is that their parents are delighted when they find out that their son is really interested in someone and they get up in a heart beat to try and make it happen, but my folks showed absolutely zero urgency and interest and were perfectly content for me to get older and older and for my options to diminish as long as they didn't have to ask for this girls hand for me.

 

[waqar goraya]

Lol, i think she probably got cold feet, probably found another better option or didn't like the guy and tried to find an excuse to make it impossible. Have heard of many such episodes which is why a lot of parents insist on the smallest possible gap between Engagement and Nikkah and Nikkah and final wedding ceremony. Most elders in my family strictly say no more than a year max. I

The same guy had another close call previous year. They had started shopping for the engagement and the girl's family refused!

But this time they were very quick, The idea was to go for Nikah rather than engagement and Rukhsati in couple of months. So, this girl's career thing becomes a bone of contention, at the same time they realize that family values might be different ( slightly ) and they end the thing 5 days before the date ! Poor guy had even whatsapped to friends for prayers .
Now, he was saying, " It was good that it was over ,I don't know why we agreed to this relation so quickly......".
And they have been searching for bride for 3 years!

 

[waqar goraya]

For me, the biggest guiding principle for me is how super excited my parents especially my mom is over a girl. It is parental instinct where they find someone really good, they will immediately share their excitement with their son and strongly impress upon them to not let her slip.

My folks suggested one girl in the family in 2015, then they suggested my first cousin (my mom was very upset about it initially but in hindsight she now proudly admits that i made the right choice after she discovered that the girl drinks and smokes in real life). After that they haven't suggested anyone. I am just shocked that they knew i really liked this girl a lot and they were happily willing not to do anything about it even if it meant me getting older and older and my options decreasing. How many parents actually do this? Most common anecdotes i have heard from guys is that their parents are delighted when they find out that their son is really interested in someone and they get up in a heart beat to try and make it happen, but my folks showed absolutely zero urgency and interest and were perfectly content for me to get older and older and for my options to diminish as long as they didn't have to ask for this girls hand for me.

Only two things can explain.

Maybe they were seeing the underneath reality. Maybe they knew something which you did not. They might have calculated the chances and decided that it was not possible.

Or they themselves did not liked the girl or her family.

So, either they expected the other side to refuse their offer and did not wanted to feel insulted, or they themselves did not like them.

 

[Yossarian]

What's wrong with someone your age or near your age?

Nothing, if they are decent looking and attractive i will go for it. But some people have mentioned anecdotes to me and there are some fears that someone close to my age right now would most probably be a very successful established professional and very set in her own life style and ways. I have heard of anecdotes where two people marrying late had problems because they had their own careers, own circle of friends, were so used to living their own independent lives and ultimately the marriage collapsed a year later because they could just not compromise.

So a girl/lady around your age "....would most probably be a very successful established professional and very set in her own life style and ways ..." but you're not?

As far as the rest of your post goes, you're quite happy to have an established career, used to living on your own, with your own circle of friends, and not willing to compromise, and yet the same cannot be the case for your potential life partner. Sounds like you're looking for someone who's good looking, highly educated, but significantly younger than you so that you could control her / 'mold her' (ie she's the one who makes the compromises, not you) to your desires.

 

[Savak]

Only two things can explain.

Maybe they were seeing the underneath reality. Maybe they knew something which you did not. They might have calculated the chances and decided that it was not possible.

Or they themselves did not liked the girl or her family.

So, either they expected the other side to refuse their offer and did not wanted to feel insulted, or they themselves did not like them.

All these things are true. I am just shocked that they considered their own insult to be far more important than my life with the time slipping away and my options getting smaller by each passing day.

Pursuing a girl is always a 50/50 game. They will either say yes or a no, and a no is a reality. You accept it and move on. Anyone can pass judgement in terms of "She is not in your league", "You are punching above your weight". Should you let these opinions hold you back? Should one not atleast try and make the effort to make it happen?

 

[Sirris]

I am wondering why someone more local and from your area isnt an option especially since you prefer someone who understands the western culture you grew up in. In particular are you open to a non-pakistani more western partner.

 

[Savak]

So a girl/lady around your age "....would most probably be a very successful established professional and very set in her own life style and ways ..." but you're not?

As far as the rest of your post goes, you're quite happy to have an established career, used to living on your own, with your own circle of friends, and not willing to compromise, and yet the same cannot be the case for your potential life partner. Sounds like you're looking for someone who's good looking, highly educated, but significantly younger than you so that you could control her / 'mold her' (ie she's the one who makes the compromises, not you) to your desires.

Uh, most elders feel that wives should be molded, not in terms of being controlling or dominating but just ultimately follows the guys lead. My chacha is a PHD while his wife being 10 years younger to him was a Montessori teacher, everyone in the family feels he won the lottery because she does everything he says without any arguments and also goes out of her way to look after him for e.g.

"Aaj aap khan e main kya khana pasand karein ge"

"Aap ke liye main chai bana doon"

"Agar aap ko kahin bahir jana hai apne doston ko milne to fikr mat karein, main bachon ko sola doon gee aur un ko kal ke liye tyar kar loon gee"

Everyone in the family envies him because lol all the others are stuck with extremely headstrong women.

 

[ElRaja]

That's savage. People moving from lower middle class to upper middle class and just below elites are most conscious about this status thing.

The friend that i mentioned above is not super rich. Now, i was hearing that there was a proposal of a MBBS girl whose father was a District Judge. I asked him why did not he see the possibility here. And he told me that the father had retired from service so not up to their standard. That his uncle does not find them up to their standard!

And the family has been actively pursuing for a match for 3 years !

i understand it at a basic level, likely broadly speaking people from similar socio economic strata would have less of an adjustment to each others lifestyles, i accept that. however i have no patience for this nitpicking over such trivialities, especially snobbery when it comes to schools and what not.

i am just talking from personal experience, i've met one or two oxbridge snobs who had this massive sense of intellectual arrogance, i took a history masters to school once in front of some friends, she stopped debating anything with me after that.

i just think if your uni is something worth highlighting among your achievements a decade after finishing school, you pbly peaked too early in life. just saying

 

[Savak]

I am wondering why someone more local and from your area isnt an option especially since you prefer someone who understands the western culture you grew up in. In particular are you open to a non-pakistani more western partner.

My options are always open. Realistically my parents will be moving to the US from Canada in two years time. I am the only one in the family who doesn't have a Green Card because i aged out on the application. So accordingly they are like better to priorities Pak American girls in the US.

 

[Sirris]

My options are always open. Realistically my parents will be moving to the US from Canada in two years time. I am the only one in the family who doesn't have a Green Card because i aged out on the application. So accordingly they are like better to priorities Pak American girls in the US.

Ok but what about non-pakistani origin girls? Is your family open towards them.

 

[Savak]

Ok but what about non-pakistani origin girls? Is your family open towards them.

Will be difficult, they certainly will not entertain Arabs, maybe Indians to an extent but i have spoken to quite a few Indian girls and kind of feel uncomfortable with a Pakistani guy.

 

[Stewie]

Even if he expects them to have a phone, or try dating for a while, there's nothing disrespectful about it.

You would not understand. Wedding sites are wedding sites, and if one wants to date, find a dating website. Most respectable Pakistani families dont approve of “dating”

 

[reversehook]

savak phir se.... lolz

who can forget ur legendary crush thread....

bhai, its very complicated yet simple... agar shaadi karni hi hai toh phir naaz ki teh nakhra ki... at the end of the day you are marrying and you have to or you end up compromising on things, whether willingly or indirectly, it happens, or it doesnt work out. You have to respect her, give her her time and attention, overlook a gazillion things for a smooth marriage whether she is educated or not will not define her, what will define her is what she was taught and how she was brought up.... and mainly how YOU will be with her.... if YOU are good then all will be good, otherwise its not hard to find faults and flaws... we all have them... best of luck in your future, whomever you pick, be sincere and loving...

 

[Savak]

The one thing i am absolutely loving is the amount of Pakistani female friends and some Indian girls i have ended up befriending online and it is just fascinating to learn from their own life experiences and their opinions and interesting to hear their opinions, suggestions to your own dilemma and the fact they are cool with staying in touch and being friends without any expectations of taking things to the next level

 

[Savak]

savak phir se.... lolz

who can forget ur legendary crush thread....

bhai, its very complicated yet simple... agar shaadi karni hi hai toh phir naaz ki teh nakhra ki... at the end of the day you are marrying and you have to or you end up compromising on things, whether willingly or indirectly, it happens, or it doesnt work out. You have to respect her, give her her time and attention, overlook a gazillion things for a smooth marriage whether she is educated or not will not define her, what will define her is what she was taught and how she was brought up.... and mainly how YOU will be with her.... if YOU are good then all will be good, otherwise its not hard to find faults and flaws... we all have them... best of luck in your future, whomever you pick, be sincere and loving...

Ofcourse mate, there is no such thing as perfection. I over looked many things with regards to my crush and was willing to do whatever it will take to make it work.

But we all things that we cant compromise on. For e.g. this Indian Muslim girl from Mumbai 32 years old sent me a scantilly dressed pic and her first comment to me was "Look, i am a proud Muslim, i love my religion and will defend it to death, but i want to tell you that i absolutely love to drink and i wanted to know straight up if you will be okay with it?"

I was lol taken aback and i was like "My folks certainly wont be okay with it, as far as i am concerned me hiding your love for your drinks is going to depend on how hot you are " But obviously seriously speaking i wont be able to compromise on this. Just like i cant compromise on a girl having poor quality education, my family would never agree to it and they already turned down a pretty girl from a family in Lahore after finding out that she had done an MA in Literature.

 

[Madplayer]

Ofcourse mate, there is no such thing as perfection. I over looked many things with regards to my crush and was willing to do whatever it will take to make it work.

But we all things that we cant compromise on. For e.g. this Indian Muslim girl from Mumbai 32 years old sent me a scantilly dressed pic and her first comment to me was "Look, i am a proud Muslim, i love my religion and will defend it to death, but i want to tell you that i absolutely love to drink and i wanted to know straight up if you will be okay with it?"

I was lol taken aback and i was like "My folks certainly wont be okay with it, as far as i am concerned me hiding your love for your drinks is going to depend on how hot you are " But obviously seriously speaking i wont be able to compromise on this. Just like i cant compromise on a girl having poor quality education, my family would never agree to it and they already turned down a pretty girl from a family in Lahore after finding out that she had done an MA in Literature.

A Masters degree in literature is low education?? This is the 1st time i have heard someone say this.

You have a right to look for someone as per your preferences but to be honest with you, your attitude towards this whole thing seems strange to say the least. For example, a Masters degree is not enough for you. Do you think a PhD (generally takes 3 years) will add something extra to the girl's personality that 20-22 years of education has not given her? It really seems that you are using the platform to get over your crush while wasting time of women who are seriously looking for marriage and are really stressed about it.

Secondly, you are looking for a difficult combination.
1) A girl in her early to mid 20s because you have fear of girls in their late 20s and early 30s,
2) with higher education than a masters degree (maybe even a doctor, engineer, etc). This seems to be your strongest criteria,
3) who should not be from a poor family either,
4) who should be attractive enough for you.
5) Should be a good home maker.
6) Should be somewhat religious (i am assuming this from the way you have written your posts)
7) Your family should also give a thumbs up to her.

The chances of you getting all of this in one girl are really low. 34 is not an old age but as you grow older the chances of you finding a girl who matches even half of these criteria and is willing to marry you will decrease even further. For instance, a highly educated girl will want to have her own career after investing so many years in education. Chances of her being happy to live as a home maker are slim. Marriage is about compromise make no mistake about it. You on the other hand expect the girl to make all the compromises while you wont move an inch. If you arent willing to compromise then it is highly advisable that you stop looking. Otherwise you will make your own life as well as the life of the girl hell.

 

[Pakistanian]

A Masters degree in literature is low education?? This is the 1st time i have heard someone say this.

You have a right to look for someone as per your preferences but to be honest with you, your attitude towards this whole thing seems strange to say the least. For example, a Masters degree is not enough for you. Do you think a PhD (generally takes 3 years) will add something extra to the girl's personality that 20-22 years of education has not given her? It really seems that you are using the platform to get over your crush while wasting time of women who are seriously looking for marriage and are really stressed about it.

Secondly, you are looking for a difficult combination.
1) A girl in her early to mid 20s because you have fear of girls in their late 20s and early 30s,
2) with higher education than a masters degree (maybe even a doctor, engineer, etc). This seems to be your strongest criteria,
3) who should not be from a poor family either,
4) who should be attractive enough for you.
5) Should be a good home maker.
6) Should be somewhat religious (i am assuming this from the way you have written your posts)
7) Your family should also give a thumbs up to her.

The chances of you getting all of this in one girl are really low. 34 is not an old age but as you grow older the chances of you finding a girl who matches even half of these criteria and is willing to marry you will decrease even further. For instance, a highly educated girl will want to have her own career after investing so many years in education. Chances of her being happy to live as a home maker are slim. Marriage is about compromise make no mistake about it. You on the other hand expect the girl to make all the compromises while you wont move an inch. If you arent willing to compromise then it is highly advisable that you stop looking. Otherwise you will make your own life as well as the life of the girl hell.

In America it takes 6 years to get a PhD so most of them will be 30+.

 

[Madplayer]

In America it takes 6 years to get a PhD so most of them will be 30+.

Here it takes 3-5 years. 5 years is more common though. 3-4 years for ones with some kind of approach in the university. I said 3 in the previous post as the best case scenario.

 

[Savak]

A Masters degree in literature is low education?? This is the 1st time i have heard someone say this.

You have a right to look for someone as per your preferences but to be honest with you, your attitude towards this whole thing seems strange to say the least. For example, a Masters degree is not enough for you. Do you think a PhD (generally takes 3 years) will add something extra to the girl's personality that 20-22 years of education has not given her? It really seems that you are using the platform to get over your crush while wasting time of women who are seriously looking for marriage and are really stressed about it.

Secondly, you are looking for a difficult combination.
1) A girl in her early to mid 20s because you have fear of girls in their late 20s and early 30s,
2) with higher education than a masters degree (maybe even a doctor, engineer, etc). This seems to be your strongest criteria,
3) who should not be from a poor family either,
4) who should be attractive enough for you.
5) Should be a good home maker.
6) Should be somewhat religious (i am assuming this from the way you have written your posts)
7) Your family should also give a thumbs up to her.

The chances of you getting all of this in one girl are really low. 34 is not an old age but as you grow older the chances of you finding a girl who matches even half of these criteria and is willing to marry you will decrease even further. For instance, a highly educated girl will want to have her own career after investing so many years in education. Chances of her being happy to live as a home maker are slim. Marriage is about compromise make no mistake about it. You on the other hand expect the girl to make all the compromises while you wont move an inch. If you arent willing to compromise then it is highly advisable that you stop looking. Otherwise you will make your own life as well as the life of the girl hell.

You are making too many judgements. I am not looking for someone with an MBA or PhD from Harvard. My basic requirement is the girl has gone through the O and A level system and I am vetting out all the inter, metric, b com, MA crap and where they admit their English is not up to b standard or if they can't write English properly. There are some things you will have to compromise and sigh it looks like looks will be one of them to an extent but a poor village type Urdu medium background is not one of them

 

[King-Misbah]

A Masters degree in literature is low education?? This is the 1st time i have heard someone say this.

You have a right to look for someone as per your preferences but to be honest with you, your attitude towards this whole thing seems strange to say the least. For example, a Masters degree is not enough for you. Do you think a PhD (generally takes 3 years) will add something extra to the girl's personality that 20-22 years of education has not given her? It really seems that you are using the platform to get over your crush while wasting time of women who are seriously looking for marriage and are really stressed about it.

Secondly, you are looking for a difficult combination.
1) A girl in her early to mid 20s because you have fear of girls in their late 20s and early 30s,
2) with higher education than a masters degree (maybe even a doctor, engineer, etc). This seems to be your strongest criteria,
3) who should not be from a poor family either,
4) who should be attractive enough for you.
5) Should be a good home maker.
6) Should be somewhat religious (i am assuming this from the way you have written your posts)
7) Your family should also give a thumbs up to her.

The chances of you getting all of this in one girl are really low. 34 is not an old age but as you grow older the chances of you finding a girl who matches even half of these criteria and is willing to marry you will decrease even further. For instance, a highly educated girl will want to have her own career after investing so many years in education. Chances of her being happy to live as a home maker are slim. Marriage is about compromise make no mistake about it. You on the other hand expect the girl to make all the compromises while you wont move an inch. If you arent willing to compromise then it is highly advisable that you stop looking. Otherwise you will make your own life as well as the life of the girl hell.

Masters in English in Pakistan does not equate to much. I met a girl who did masters in English in Pakistan but she did not know how to speak English. I understand what Savak is saying as Pakistan's education system is poor. Nevertheless, he needs to compromise as there is no prefect person. It is best to find someone in college or university tbh.

 

[RickyG]

I did not lie about my age and i told the truth that i will be 34 years old this year.

For partner preferences i chose the age range from 18 to 26,


Initially i used to have a very negative opinion of girls in their late 20's and early 30's being single and unmarried because my elders mostly influenced my thought process i.e. these girls are too modern, these girls are hardcore feminists man haters, these girls will keep you on a leash and are going to be completely set in their ways. But nope, after speaking to some of these women, i have actually come to respect and admire them even more, a lot of girls have had to shoulder immense responsibilities that i could only dream off and have had to face unfortunate circumstances for e.g. dad passed away due to a stroke when she was young, the family went through financial hardship and she had to compromise on her dream of pursuing medicine and had to put food on the table, earn enough to get the rest of her siblings settled. Fingers crossed whether the stories are true or not.

But the app has also exposed me to certain questions and dilemmas i never thought i would need to deal with. For e.g. there were 1-2 really cute attractive girls around 22-23 years old i was speaking with and they were demanding an instant commitment from me, but their education shockingly upon learning was b.com at best and i could tell from their pics that they came from extremely poor families. I come from a highly educated family where both my folks are doctors and all my aunts, uncles, no one is less than a PHD, Doctor, Engineer, Architect, MBA or runs their own business.



Anyways by and large i am still circumspect. I insist on a phonecall conversation with the girl as well because i have done that to a few girls and to my shock, their voices clearly indicated they belonged to extremely uneducated, impoverished backgrounds and that they were not who they appeared to be when being chatted with.

For me this is just a platform to see what else is out there and to help me move on from my unrequited crush. But i have to admit there has been a huge improvement in my self esteem and ego, i haven't lied about my age of 34 but the vast majority of girls, parents commented in disbelief that you don't look 34 at all and that we felt you were 25-26 at least which is inline with what the ***** and gori's feel about me here in Canada.

Looking forward to being mocked, criticized, riddiculed and being made fun off now lol

1. I don't see why you feel you deserve credit for being honest about your age...?

2. So you are looking for an 18-26 year old but someone who has a masters or a higher education than a bachelors? Most people don't start their masters or graduate studies until 24/25 let alone finish it.

3. You've become less misogynist which is good to see as well.

4. Do you feel poor people are beneath you? Your family comes from money, is that where your entitlement comes from?

5. For a supposedly educated person, you still need female attention to help your self esteem? Why not focus on becoming a more secure person?

 

[RickyG]

What's wrong with someone your age or near your age?

He's too good for them. Only an 18 year old with a PHD will do for him. She must come from money and be very attractive.

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

The truth is (at least in my personal experience): it is very rare to find a rich, good looking, intelligent and educated girl (or a guy). The youth who possess each of these qualities have abundance of rishta offers since they turn 21.

 

[Madplayer]

You are making too many judgements. I am not looking for someone with an MBA or PhD from Harvard. My basic requirement is the girl has gone through the O and A level system and I am vetting out all the inter, metric, b com, MA crap and where they admit their English is not up to b standard or if they can't write English properly. There are some things you will have to compromise and sigh it looks like looks will be one of them to an extent but a poor village type Urdu medium background is not one of them

I was going by what you have mentioned in your posts above. Anyway, best of luck to you. I pray that you get what you are looking for.

 

[Madplayer]

Masters in English in Pakistan does not equate to much. I met a girl who did masters in English in Pakistan but she did not know how to speak English. I understand what Savak is saying as Pakistan's education system is poor. Nevertheless, he needs to compromise as there is no prefect person. It is best to find someone in college or university tbh.

I dont know Pakistani education system well. So you are saying English speaking is the actual criteria that Savak is talking about rather than just education? If thats the case then even girls with PhD can have poor english speaking skills. Isnt it? Or does it work differently in Pakistan?

 

[Savak]

I dont know Pakistani education system well. So you are saying English speaking is the actual criteria that Savak is talking about rather than just education? If thats the case then even girls with PhD can have poor english speaking skills. Isnt it? Or does it work differently in Pakistan?

English yes but the ability to understand modern thinking, get middle class, upper middle class jokes, chat lingo and an understanding of that environment and mentality. Being a little bit well travelled and having some interesting experiences to share as well.

Like I said the biggest turn off for me is where the guy is making all the effort to make conversation. The girls I am really clicking with are the ones taking initiative to attempt their own humor, sharing their own stories, experiences, showing they are some what well read, using modern chat lingo rather than haan jee and only speaking in Urdu.

 

[Syed1]

You are 34 years old and want a girl who is atleast 12-16 years younger than you, and then you talk about the girl having "modern thinking".


I'm sorry but that is the height of old fashioned paindu mentality.

 

[King-Misbah]

English yes but the ability to understand modern thinking, get middle class, upper middle class jokes, chat lingo and an understanding of that environment and mentality. Being a little bit well travelled and having some interesting experiences to share as well.

Like I said the biggest turn off for me is where the guy is making all the effort to make conversation. The girls I am really clicking with are the ones taking initiative to attempt their own humor, sharing their own stories, experiences, showing they are some what well read, using modern chat lingo rather than haan jee and only speaking in Urdu.

Look bro; you aint going to find these all qualities in one person. You can get married to a person who fufills some of the qualities and then grow togather. For an example; you can go travelling togather and her mingling in middle class will help her to get exposure. You cant be too fussy as you are not perfect either. You need to learn to be content as oppose to wanting everything. May be you being rich is not helping your mindset; you can't buy a perfect wife.

 

[Halaribo]

You're 34 with some extremely unattractive qualities.

You need to get over your Rajnikanth complex and self reflect about why girls are dodging you with full matrix effect.

Honestly speaking, if I was a female and read your posts on here, I'd think you're a sad old man with no backbone. A common door mat with delusions of grandeur thinking he's a persian rug.

Coming on here and detailing your online exploits about pictures of scantily clad ladies sums you right up.

I pity any genuine, loving lady that crosses your path, she'd be wasted on you.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

I am wondering why someone more local and from your area isnt an option especially since you prefer someone who understands the western culture you grew up in. In particular are you open to a non-pakistani more western partner.

Savak doesn't sound like he grew up in western culture, too much talk about what his parents want or relatives will think. Seems to have led a very sheltered life from a western pov, and thus may be unattractive to the very girls he seems to favour.

 

[Yossarian]

Uh, most elders feel that wives should be molded, not in terms of being controlling or dominating but just ultimately follows the guys lead. My chacha is a PHD while his wife being 10 years younger to him was a Montessori teacher, everyone in the family feels he won the lottery because she does everything he says without any arguments and also goes out of her way to look after him for e.g.

"Aaj aap khan e main kya khana pasand karein ge"

"Aap ke liye main chai bana doon"

"Agar aap ko kahin bahir jana hai apne doston ko milne to fikr mat karein, main bachon ko sola doon gee aur un ko kal ke liye tyar kar loon gee"

Everyone in the family envies him because lol all the others are stuck with extremely headstrong women.

OK, you're either definitely trolling,
or
Despite living in the West (from a young age? Or moved there as an adult?), going by the parts in bold above, your views are still from the sub-continent of 50 years or so ago.

I suspect the former over the latter.

 

[Noman]

Savak what app are you using? Pakistani girls want commintment, but some are very sweet when into you, but you have to be clear, act like a man and their Will do Anything to please you. Be honest and watch their action, not words. I do not agree with People that he has to give commintment, today you have to understand youself first and than what you want ,, and than find a partner you enjoy time with.

 

[Savak]

This thread is a classic example of Pakistani guys being Pakistani guys, willing to do anything to score brownie points with girls and criticizing a guy even though full well he knows the guy is right. Have seen it far too many times, women have more loyalty towards their own gender, guys absolutely not.

 

[Savak]

Savak what app are you using? Pakistani girls want commintment, but some are very sweet when into you, but you have to be clear, act like a man and their Will do Anything to please you. Be honest and watch their action, not words. I do not agree with People that he has to give commintment, today you have to understand youself first and than what you want ,, and than find a partner you enjoy time with.

Shaadi.com and a few others but so far the pool of candidates appear to be the largest on Shaadi. Will also use some new fresh upcoming Pakistani based apps as well

I don't lead anyone on, I am very honest, fair, respectful to the point where I listen to some of their painful life stories. I am very frank in telling them that I don't want to lead them on and that I don't commit to anything without taking time to speak to the other person.