The complexity of getting married

Mamoon

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For me its an awkward subject to discuss with my family and I feel very uncomfortable when my parents talk about it :butt

I try my best to change and avoid the subject. On the contrary, my British cousins are very candid about it.

Is it a cultural thing after all or simply down to the individual?

I have also noticed that girls tend to be more frank and open about it and they accept it at a much younger age than boys. I have seen many boys in their preadolescence claim that they won't get married and stuff like that (I was one of them) but I haven't seen a girl give such outlandish statements because maybe the have accepted or have been programmed that they have to get married?

I'm 22 and know that probably in 4/5 years my parents will start the hunt and my brother will be getting married coming December so I've witnessed the whole process from start to finish and I must its extremely uncomfortable and requires plenty of courage and heart.

Don't think I'm cut for the conventional way, have your parents go for the rishta and you are sitting home nervous waiting for the news. Also, rejection will be quite embarrassing isn't? and if you are accepted, going to their house to meet her parents as well as talking to her for the first time. Where to begin? :yk2

Finally, if you plan to marry someone in your family (second cousin, which I intend to because the whole meeting her/her parents process is likely to be much smoother) and you get rejected? how uncomfortable is it? Will you be able to go to their house again and meet them without feeling terribly embarrassed?

Also, isn't sharing toilet with a new person awkward? :yk
 
^ Pretty much everyone has that option, innit?
 
Why would you marry your second cousin? Unless of course you dont plan to have kids.
 
Why would you marry your second cousin? Unless of course you dont plan to have kids.

Even in Indian tradition we have cousin marriage.

You can't marry cousin from your father's line (Hindu religious reasons) but okay from your mother's side.

But yes, I agree even then marrying cousins can cause problems reg kids (even if its a cousin from mother's side) but hey we do it too in India.

I think even Chinese follow the same thing. Mother side cousin is ok.

I read somewhere.
 
Guys, can someone tell me technically what constitutes as second cousin?

A cousin's cousin

or like your parent's cousin's kids?
 
Take control of your life, go to foreign country on student visa and experience life at first hand. Step out of your comfort zone, all these complexities will vanish. You are only 22 and can grow, learn, and develop in a way that expands your perspective beyond what you thought was possible.
 
Even in Indian tradition we have cousin marriage.

You can't marry cousin from your father's line (Hindu religious reasons) but okay from your mother's side.

But yes, I agree even then marrying cousins can cause problems reg kids (even if its a cousin from mother's side) but hey we do it too in India.

I think even Chinese follow the same thing. Mother side cousin is ok.

I read somewhere.

Yeah cousin marriage was prevalent in Nair community in Kerala(i'm half nair). But we shun such practices these days. I think GOI should ban marriages between close relatives.
 
Yeah cousin marriage was prevalent in Nair community in Kerala(i'm half nair). But we shun such practices these days. I think GOI should ban marriages between close relatives.

I feel you can't ban it now all of a sudden as it would affect many sentiments in South.

But I too am not a fan of marrying close cousins.

Honestly, I am yet to have my own view reg this topic.
 
I feel you OP. Anytime, my mom brings it up, it is the most awkward thing ever. She tends to bring up the ex as well and then I just try to get out of the room as soon as possible. Awkwardness x10
 
Re: The complexity of getting married.

I feel you OP. Anytime, my mom brings it up, it is the most awkward thing ever. She tends to bring up the ex as well and then I just try to get out of the room as soon as possible. Awkwardness x10

Wow same, its weird answering questions like, What type of girl you like? Its honestly feels weird to answer that.

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The complexity of getting married.

Don't think too much about marriage. If you fall in love, go for it with full force.

I would not recommends marrying cusion, this is a bad practice in Pakistan and has health issues of all sorts.

Why it is awkward subject to talk to your parents?? - that is another thing i feel weirded in our culture, too much respect and barriers b/w parents and kids. I never liked it and care about superficial respect culture, you have to be frank and casual when yo are living in same house. Freedom of expression starts from home...respect and obedience kills the free spirit ;-)


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22 year old and worried about complexities of marriage. Is life so intolerable.
 
Don't think too much about marriage. If you fall in love, go for it with full force.

I would not recommends marrying cusion, this is a bad practice in Pakistan and has health issues of all sorts.

Why it is awkward subject to talk to your parents?? - that is another thing i feel weirded in our culture, too much respect and barriers b/w parents and kids. I never liked it and care about superficial respect culture, you have to be frank and casual when yo are living in same house. Freedom of expression starts from home...respect and obedience kills the free spirit ;-)


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I fancy someone in my family. :afridi

Well the barrier exists because of parents. In our culture, your father and mother will not talk to you about any intimate subject etc so as a kid, its hard to discuss such topics frankly.
 
I feel you OP. Anytime, my mom brings it up, it is the most awkward thing ever. She tends to bring up the ex as well and then I just try to get out of the room as soon as possible. Awkwardness x10

Wow same, its weird answering questions like, What type of girl you like? Its honestly feels weird to answer that.

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Yes that's super awkward. :moyo
 
Take control of your life, go to foreign country on student visa and experience life at first hand. Step out of your comfort zone, all these complexities will vanish. You are only 22 and can grow, learn, and develop in a way that expands your perspective beyond what you thought was possible.

Its not a complex, its a genuine concern. It sounds like a very forced practice to me.
 
Telling parents you like someone is hard enough as it is . Add some more drama , emotional blackmail and a lot more awkwardness if you have to convince them about marrying outside of your ' community ' . You might as well go to them with a gandasa in your hand and talk to them in gujar style



Waayy gujraan wayy mainu ek changi kuri pasand aa gai ay :bhatti
 
Re: The complexity of getting married.

For me its an awkward subject to discuss with my family and I feel very uncomfortable when my parents talk about it :butt

I try my best to change and avoid the subject. On the contrary, my British cousins are very candid about it.

Is it a cultural thing after all or simply down to the individual?

I have also noticed that girls tend to be more frank and open about it and they accept it at a much younger age than boys. I have seen many boys in their preadolescence claim that they won't get married and stuff like that (I was one of them) but I haven't seen a girl give such outlandish statements because maybe the have accepted or have been programmed that they have to get married?

I'm 22 and know that probably in 4/5 years my parents will start the hunt and my brother will be getting married coming December so I've witnessed the whole process from start to finish and I must its extremely uncomfortable and requires plenty of courage and heart.

Don't think I'm cut for the conventional way, have your parents go for the rishta and you are sitting home nervous waiting for the news. Also, rejection will be quite embarrassing isn't? and if you are accepted, going to their house to meet her parents as well as talking to her for the first time. Where to begin? :yk2

Finally, if you plan to marry someone in your family (second cousin, which I intend to because the whole meeting her/her parents process is likely to be much smoother) and you get rejected? how uncomfortable is it? Will you be able to go to their house again and meet them without feeling terribly embarrassed?

Also, isn't sharing toilet with a new person awkward? :yk

I always had this in my mind that how would i react if i ever send a rishta and it is rejected ( i had and still have alot of respect among our families back home). Luckily when the time came and my parents asked for the rishta ( my cousin) and it was a straight YES :)

It was the 1st and only girl that we had in mind and it worked. Alhumdulelah it has now been 5 years of our marriage.

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Re: The complexity of getting married.

Abit of fun

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Marriage in Pakistan is over rated.

Pakistani marriage = 1 year honeymoon and life time imprisonment/boxing match.

Mamoon, wish you best of luck! You are a doctor you will take on everything head on after all most doctors are tough cookies and outspoken.
 
The complexity of getting married.

I fancy someone in my family. :afridi



Well the barrier exists because of parents. In our culture, your father and mother will not talk to you about any intimate subject etc so as a kid, its hard to discuss such topics frankly.


Do you belong to a conservative family? - conservative and religious can be a big problem, I just don't get along with them. I can understand the difficulty of dealing with them.

Many times you make your own culture. Everybody in the family is different. From your posts it doesn't look like you would have problem defending or standing up for anything ;-)

Are you shy of telling your parents that you like somebody? - man this is 2014. Parent are the last people you should shy from , they are the most sincere people in your life. You have to discuss very openly and frankly the most important decision of our life.

I never had this problem 15 years ago. Even my father did not had this problem 40+ years ago.

I would also suggest since you are only 22, don't rush, you have lot of time. Experience the world before settling in. First you have to discover and get to know yourself. Don't commit your self too early like a good batsman ;-)


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I tend to think of ahead of time, in everything which is a bad habit at times.

Are you a girl? Do you live in some god forsaken village ? Grow some "you know what", seriously.
 
IMO 28+ for boys an 25+ for girls is best age to get married.

Lol. Get out of your traditional mindset. There is no best age, as long as a people are emotionally mature and financially stable and not in their teens, any age will do.
 
It is suicide to get married in today's era. Getting married saying goodbye to your freedom as well as playing diplomacy, in other word - being yes man to wife, and not to mention, the ugly family politics.

I am regretting even though i never wanted to get married in the first place. Say No, and keep saying No. Saying No in three years is never enough to convince the family. They never stop and neither should you. Keep saying no until you find the girl [outside of your family] that bring no pressure in your life.

Don't preach your family about Islamic rights, your God-given rights to marry to your choice, tend to fall on deaf ears.

Otherwise, wait till the age of 40 where men at that age learn to be diplomatic, calm and patient. I hear many 40 years men getting married to young girls, and this is becoming the latest trend.
 
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Ya its a tricky situation arrange marriages the parents wish you dont want to refuse them and then love marriage how to tell the parents :13:
 
wouldn't you find marrying your technical sister more awkward than sharing a toilet?
Arrange marriage is good but marrying your cousins is nasty...especially if they're closer than second...My opinion.
 
wouldn't you find marrying your technical sister more awkward than sharing a toilet?
Arrange marriage is good but marrying your cousins is nasty...especially if they're closer than second...My opinion.

How are our cousins our sisters/brothers?

A person doesn't share a common parent; they aren't siblings. I look at it in this manner.
 
Re: The complexity of getting married.

The sharing toilet question tops it all.
 
Re: The complexity of getting married.

It is suicide to get married in today's era. Getting married saying goodbye to your freedom as well as playing diplomacy, in other word - being yes man to wife, and not to mention, the ugly family politics.

I am regretting even though i never wanted to get married in the first place. Say No, and keep saying No. Saying No in three years is never enough to convince the family. They never stop and neither should you. Keep saying no until you find the girl [outside of your family] that bring no pressure in your life.

Don't preach your family about Islamic rights, your God-given rights to marry to your choice, tend to fall on deaf ears.

Otherwise, wait till the age of 40 where men at that age learn to be diplomatic, calm and patient. I hear many 40 years men getting married to young girls, and this is becoming the latest trend.

Lol. This is the most candid post I've ever read from you.
 
wouldn't you find marrying your technical sister more awkward than sharing a toilet?
Arrange marriage is good but marrying your cousins is nasty...especially if they're closer than second...My opinion.

In addition to being awkward it also appears lazziness to me more than even arranged(thus more formal) marriages (as arranged marriage can little bit justified(make sense) in a conservative society not having intellectually/economically independent individuals)
 
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Do you belong to a conservative family? - conservative and religious can be a big problem, I just don't get along with them. I can understand the difficulty of dealing with them.

Many times you make your own culture. Everybody in the family is different. From your posts it doesn't look like you would have problem defending or standing up for anything ;-)

Are you shy of telling your parents that you like somebody? - man this is 2014. Parent are the last people you should shy from , they are the most sincere people in your life. You have to discuss very openly and frankly the most important decision of our life.

I never had this problem 15 years ago. Even my father did not had this problem 40+ years ago.

I would also suggest since you are only 22, don't rush, you have lot of time. Experience the world before settling in. First you have to discover and get to know yourself. Don't commit your self too early like a good batsman ;-)


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I'm not from a conservative family at all and that's a non issue. But still, personally, I find it to be a very awkward subject.

At 22, I shouldn't be thinking about such stuff but I like to think ahead about every aspect of life.
 
Ah, c'mon.

Seconds cousins are NOT sisters. Your parents are first cousins, not even siblings themselves. You can think of them as sisters if you want but it doesn't change the fact that its morally, ethically and legally its a perfectly apt match.

1st cousin marriage I agree isn't on.
 
It is suicide to get married in today's era. Getting married saying goodbye to your freedom as well as playing diplomacy, in other word - being yes man to wife, and not to mention, the ugly family politics.

I am regretting even though i never wanted to get married in the first place. Say No, and keep saying No. Saying No in three years is never enough to convince the family. They never stop and neither should you. Keep saying no until you find the girl [outside of your family] that bring no pressure in your life.

Don't preach your family about Islamic rights, your God-given rights to marry to your choice, tend to fall on deaf ears.

Otherwise, wait till the age of 40 where men at that age learn to be diplomatic, calm and patient. I hear many 40 years men getting married to young girls, and this is becoming the latest trend.

Great post, but doesn't seem very practical.
 
How are our cousins our sisters/brothers?

A person doesn't share a common parent; they aren't siblings. I look at it in this manner.
You may look at it in that manner. Me however, I grew up playing with cousins as a kid and grew up with them basically being sisters and the thought of getting married to em is nasty

In addition to being awkward it also appears lazziness to me more than even arranged(thus more formal) marriages (as arranged marriage can little bit justified(make sense) in a conservative society not having intellectually/economically independent individuals)

Yeah agreed
 
If you are going to consider X as Y when he or she isn't Y then its your problem. :butt
 
It is suicide to get married in today's era. Getting married saying goodbye to your freedom as well as playing diplomacy, in other word - being yes man to wife, and not to mention, the ugly family politics.

I am regretting even though i never wanted to get married in the first place. Say No, and keep saying No. Saying No in three years is never enough to convince the family. They never stop and neither should you. Keep saying no until you find the girl [outside of your family] that bring no pressure in your life.

Don't preach your family about Islamic rights, your God-given rights to marry to your choice, tend to fall on deaf ears.

Otherwise, wait till the age of 40 where men at that age learn to be diplomatic, calm and patient. I hear many 40 years men getting married to young girls, and this is becoming the latest trend.

This trend has been there since the beginning of time.
 
You may look at it in that manner. Me however, I grew up playing with cousins as a kid and grew up with them basically being sisters and the thought of getting married to em is nasty

OK. You have a good enough reason to avoid it. However, your cousins aren't your sisters.

I don't support first cousin marriage but I do in the case of second cousin marriage. But, first cousin marriage is not a problem at all. It is just that people may consider it as incest.
 
OK. You have a good enough reason to avoid it. However, your cousins aren't your sisters.

I don't support first cousin marriage but I do in the case of second cousin marriage. But, first cousin marriage is not a problem at all. It is just that people may consider it as incest.

Its not incest at all and it perfectly normal, however it has genetic complications which second cousins marriages don't.
 
OK. You have a good enough reason to avoid it. However, your cousins aren't your sisters.

I don't support first cousin marriage but I do in the case of second cousin marriage. But, first cousin marriage is not a problem at all. It is just that people may consider it as incest.
Yeah. I go by the saying "Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family"
I just think generally cousin marriages are a bit pathetic.
There are stuff to do with alleles and genes but then there's also the politics that comes along too. You divorce your cousin-wife due to whatever reason and next thing you know, you're naraaz with half your entire generation too...I'm saying this because I've personally seen it happen from my own cousins and relatives.
I'd much rather allow new people into the family and expand the fam tree.
 
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Don't think I'm cut for the conventional way, have your parents go for the rishta and you are sitting home nervous waiting for the news. Also, rejection will be quite embarrassing isn't? and if you are accepted, going to their house to meet her parents as well as talking to her for the first time. Where to begin? :yk2

Finally, if you plan to marry someone in your family (second cousin, which I intend to because the whole meeting her/her parents process is likely to be much smoother) and you get rejected? how uncomfortable is it? Will you be able to go to their house again and meet them without feeling terribly embarrassed?

So, do you think you don't deserve her?

Are you less educated or physically less attractive or financially poorer to them? They must have a good reason to reject you.

Within family people tend to be more careful before asking for a rishta because a "No" could be fatal for family relations and embarrassing too.
 
So, do you think you don't deserve her?

Are you less educated or physically less attractive or financially poorer to them? They must have a good reason to reject you.

Within family people tend to be more careful before asking for a rishta because a "No" could be fatal for family relations and embarrassing too.

I'm educated, financially equally stable. She's drop dead gorgeous but I am acceptable as well. :afridi

Still, you don't need a concrete reason for rejection. A lot of people tick the right boxes but they get rejected. Depends on the viewpoint of her and her parents.

Yeah that is true. Its definitely embarrassing and could be fatal for the family relations as well.
 
I'm educated, financially equally stable. She's drop dead gorgeous but I am acceptable as well. :afridi

Still, you don't need a concrete reason for rejection. A lot of people tick the right boxes but they get rejected. Depends on the viewpoint of her and her parents.

Yeah that is true. Its definitely embarrassing and could be fatal for the family relations as well.

Okay since you shared so much, can I ask you this question:

Has she already shown an interest on you or is it something that you feel would work out if your family approached hers?
 
I always had this in my mind that how would i react if i ever send a rishta and it is rejected ( i had and still have alot of respect among our families back home). Luckily when the time came and my parents asked for the rishta ( my cousin) and it was a straight YES :)

It was the 1st and only girl that we had in mind and it worked. Alhumdulelah it has now been 5 years of our marriage.

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Errrr what do you mean by "we"? :yk
 
Okay since you shared so much, can I ask you this question:

Has she already shown an interest on you or is it something that you feel would work out if your family approached hers?

We have hardly talked, she seems a bit reserved to me.

Since my parents divorced when I was 2, I have lived away from my Father's family for most of my life. Only 6/7 years ago, I started to mingle with them and so far I haven't had the chance to get along with her much because we meet on special occasions mostly and she's with her other cousin friends etc.

Her father and mine are excellent friends while her mother and my father are first cousins. Also, her elder sister is married to my first cousin.

My parents are gonna ask about my preference in due time and indirectly/directly, I would point them in her direction but obviously, I fear rejection.
 
Mamoon you fearing rejection?
This is where the term 'yolo' comes to play :))
 
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Major saab are you married? :afridi

Yar, khuda ka khoof karo, im 19, and woukd prefer not to get married, malikmohsin pointed out the reasons quite well, plus im not sharing my money(if any) with anyone...

Oh and I never gave a serious that to that toilet part, good point raised there
 
Yar, khuda ka khoof karo, im 19, and woukd prefer not to get married, malikmohsin pointed out the reasons quite well, plus im not sharing my money(if any) with anyone...

Oh and I never gave a serious that to that toilet part, good point raised there

19? wow. Never thought so.
 
We have hardly talked, she seems a bit reserved to me.

Since my parents divorced when I was 2, I have lived away from my Father's family for most of my life. Only 6/7 years ago, I started to mingle with them and so far I haven't had the chance to get along with her much because we meet on special occasions mostly and she's with her other cousin friends etc.

Her father and mine are excellent friends while her mother and my father are first cousins. Also, her elder sister is married to my first cousin.

My parents are gonna ask about my preference in due time and indirectly/directly, I would point them in her direction but obviously, I fear rejection.

But why?

Ostensibly, you have a crush on her.

As you have said that she is dead gorgeous then it would be better not to delay it for too long. Some one else might have an eye on her ! :yk2

There could be another option to inquire about their willingness with the help of a common friend who would not talk directly. You know what i mean, "baaton baaton mein"
 
We have hardly talked, she seems a bit reserved to me.

Since my parents divorced when I was 2, I have lived away from my Father's family for most of my life. Only 6/7 years ago, I started to mingle with them and so far I haven't had the chance to get along with her much because we meet on special occasions mostly and she's with her other cousin friends etc.

Her father and mine are excellent friends while her mother and my father are first cousins. Also, her elder sister is married to my first cousin.

My parents are gonna ask about my preference in due time and indirectly/directly, I would point them in her direction but obviously, I fear rejection.

Oh...thanks for sharing, bud.

You are only 22 (not that I am much older than you...just 24) but gotta ask this as you are pondering over a very big decision in life:

Have you made this choice based on her looks and basic outward character or

Have you taken into account stuff like her general views in life, her outlook towards various things, how she wants to live her life, matching wavelength, her emotional intelligence, etc?

I get a feeling a person with your attitude (non emotional, analytic) would value those stuff more than others.

Since you are a bit too young, I am asking you this.

Initial attraction (which is based on how irresistible she looks, how witty she is, etc) will fade and you are then left with the real real person. So have you taken all those stuff into account?

You hardly know her (as of now) and this is one of your life's biggest decision, so thought I would put forth this question.
 
Yar, khuda ka khoof karo, im 19, and woukd prefer not to get married, malikmohsin pointed out the reasons quite well, plus im not sharing my money(if any) with anyone...

Oh and I never gave a serious that to that toilet part, good point raised there

I think money is meant to be shared with some one. Otherwise there is no point of earning it.
 
Oh...thanks for sharing, bud.

You are only 22 (not that I am much older than you...just 24) but gotta ask this as you are pondering over a very big decision in life:

Have you made this choice based on her looks and basic outward character or

Have you taken into account stuff like her general views in life, her outlook towards various things, how she wants to live her life, matching wavelength, her emotional intelligence, etc?

I get a feeling a person with your attitude (non emotional, analytic) would value those stuff more than others.

Since you are a bit too young, I am asking you this.

Initial attraction (which is based on how irresistible she looks, how witty she is, etc) will fade and you are then left with the real real person. So have you taken all those stuff into account?

You hardly know her (as of now) and this is one of your life's biggest decision, so thought I would put forth this question.

Similarity is over rated. In fact boring at times .

Understanding each other is important not similarity/dissimilarity. After understanding comes compromise, rest is pointless.
 
Similarity is over rated. In fact boring at times .

Understanding each other is important not similarity/dissimilarity. After understanding comes compromise, rest is pointless.

Agreed. Similarity is over rated.

But there is a difference between being similar and being compatible.

Matching wavelength, shared outlook in life has got NOTHING to do with similarity in tastes, opinions, etc.
 
Agreed. Similarity is over rated.

But there is a difference between being similar and being compatible.

Matching wavelength, shared outlook in life has got NOTHING to do with similarity in tastes, opinions, etc.

Tastes, opinions are hard to match.

Extremes are always rare. Absolute similarity or absolute incompatibility are hard to find. Most cases fall in between where there is a mixed set of convergences and divergences.
 
Oh...thanks for sharing, bud.

You are only 22 (not that I am much older than you...just 24) but gotta ask this as you are pondering over a very big decision in life:

Have you made this choice based on her looks and basic outward character or

Have you taken into account stuff like her general views in life, her outlook towards various things, how she wants to live her life, matching wavelength, her emotional intelligence, etc?

I get a feeling a person with your attitude (non emotional, analytic) would value those stuff more than others.

Since you are a bit too young, I am asking you this.

Initial attraction (which is based on how irresistible she looks, how witty she is, etc) will fade and you are then left with the real real person. So have you taken all those stuff into account?

You hardly know her (as of now) and this is one of your life's biggest decision, so thought I would put forth this question.

She is a heavy twitter user. I read her tweets daily and have got a good understand of her personality.

I also like a challenge. :afridi
 
Tastes, opinions are hard to match.

Extremes are always rare. Absolute similarity or absolute incompatibility are hard to find. Most cases fall in between where there is a mixed set of convergences and divergences.

1. Yes, tastes and opinions are hard to match which is why many use that to make their final choice (thinking that a person with a similar tastes and opinions is compatible). That's one of the big reasons for marriage problems these days.

2. Yes, absolute compatibility or incompatibility is hard to find. That's why you go for a person whose needle points towards absolute compatibility as much as possible.
 
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