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The Lame Jokes Thread

What do you call a Singh on a beach?

There is no rigid protocol to clarify what an individual should do if he was to encounter such a situation. Common etiquette however states that generally the individual should be referred to by the names stated on the birth certificate of said individual. If these are unknown at the moment of the chance meeting, then 'Sir' will suffice.
 
Gujar said:
What do you call a Singh on a beach?

There is no rigid protocol to clarify what an individual should do if he was to encounter such a situation. Common etiquette however states that generally the individual should be referred to by the names stated on the birth certificate of said individual. If these are unknown at the moment of the chance meeting, then 'Sir' will suffice.
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LOL I would have made do with RelaxSingh but you Sir have opened my eyes!
 
Desire said:
A child runs into a shop and asks "whats the price of that 1 dollar pen?"

what pen? this is clothes shop!!

got you! was just joking.

what a lame joke!!
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:))) what the hell? :sami

:))) :))) @ Gujar and Ace, legends.
 
A feminist visits kabul just after the fall of the taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind their men. A year later she was delighted to return to find that men must walk 5 paces behind women. She asked the interpreter 'what brought about the change?' He replied, feckin 'landmines'.
 
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red dot on her forehead.... and realized she was on standby.
 
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring them along," replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us too".

"But sir, I have a wife and six children," the second man answered. "Bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place, the grass is almost a foot tall."
 
First time in the history of mankind,needs comforts and luxuries cost the same-onions rs 65/kg,petrol rs 65/liter,beer rs 65 each
 
Boy 1:I got a new car,IPOD,laptop,mobile....all in 10 days

Boy 2:What does your father do?


Boy 1:He sells onions
 
ITguyAurKya said:
A feminist visits kabul just after the fall of the taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind their men. A year later she was delighted to return to find that men must walk 5 paces behind women. She asked the interpreter 'what brought about the change?' He replied, feckin 'landmines'.
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Lol :))
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
 
Once upon a time, there was a man. A genie appeared to the man, and offered him one wish.

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to go to Fiji, but plane tickets are so expensive, and boats are so slow. Can you build a bridge from Los Angeles to Fiji?"

"I'm sorry, man," the genie said. "You're pretty much asking for the impossible. That's six thousand miles of bridge. Plus, you'll need fuel stations and motels on the way. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to ask for something else."

"Oh," said the disappointed man. "Well, can you grant me the ability to understand women?"

The genie cleared his throat. "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
 
A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 
Several men are in the locker room at the golf clubhouse. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it loaded with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
"Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
Teacher: Akbar kaun tha?
Student: pata nahi sir.
Teacher: padaai ke taraf dyaan do, pataa chalegaa
Student: Aap battayiye. Suresh kaun hai?
Teacher: pata nahi.
Student: apni beti ki taraf dyaan dijiye, pata chalega.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: mere marne ke baad, kyaa tum doosri shaadi karogi?
Wife: nahi. main apni behan ki saath rahungi. aap?
Husband: main bhi tumhaare behan ke saath rahunga
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: 5 marks lekar bhi tum has kyu rahe ho?
Student: main yeh soch raha hoo ke woh 5 marks kaise mila :-)
 
A mexican and a black guy are in a car. Who is driving?









The Police officer. :D
 
Aik raees buddhay aadmi ki shaadi hoti hai . Woh shaadi ki raat ko apni kam-umar biwi se poochta hai " tum ne mujh main kia dekh kar mujh se shaadi kari ? "
biwi jawab deti hai : " aik to aap ki income aur doosra aap ki umar kam "
:D
 
Free Hit said:
<img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/IMP/CXNID=2000002.0NXC/bT*xJmx*PTEyODg2NDY4NDg4NTQmcHQ9MTI4ODY*Njg1OTIyNiZwPTM5MDEmZD1mbGFzaHRveXMmZz*xJm89OWYzZDI5Mzg5MTY3/NGU3ODhkNmQ4M2I4ZGZjNDM4M2Imb2Y9MA==.gif" /><span id="pyzam-tictacscare-start" style="display:none"></span>
<embed height="400" width="400" src="http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf" quality="high"
wmode="transparent" align="middle" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" />
<img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://stuff.pyzam.com/misc/CXNID=1000015.15NXC.gif" />
<span id="pyzam-tictacscare-end" style="display:none"></span>
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I really hate you! :pissed:
 
118118 - Directory enquiries, How can I help?

Rameez Raja - I would like to get my overly extended follicular overflow in the crown region streamlined slightly to more uniform lengths.

118118 - Do you need a haircut sir?

Rameez Raja - Yes I suppose that's another way to put it.

118118 - Here you go sir. Supercuts, Mall Road, Lahore, 764422.

Rameez Raja - You're a very smart operator.
 
A guy was late for his train, he asked a man what the time was.

The man replied, time you got a watch.
 
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A bank manager asks sardar ji in an interview: What is a cyclone?

Sardar ji replies: It is a loan given to purchase a cycle.
 
A Pathan was in an exam and shown a birds foot, the examiner then asked him to name the bird.

After a while the Pathan said he didn't know.

Examiner: You are failed.

Pathan: Too mera pear dek kay mera naam bata.
 
Gujar said:
118118 - Directory enquiries, How can I help?

Rameez Raja - I would like to get my overly extended follicular overflow in the crown region streamlined slightly to more uniform lengths.

118118 - Do you need a haircut sir?

Rameez Raja - Yes I suppose that's another way to put it.

118118 - Here you go sir. Supercuts, Mall Road, Lahore, 764422.

Rameez Raja - You're a very smart operator.
Click to expand...

Gujar, your a funny guy
 
A man walks into a bar...

Now he needs some stitches because he was walking pretty fast.
 
Gujar said:
118118 - Directory enquiries, How can I help?

Rameez Raja - I would like to get my overly extended follicular overflow in the crown region streamlined slightly to more uniform lengths.

118118 - Do you need a haircut sir?

Rameez Raja - Yes I suppose that's another way to put it.

118118 - Here you go sir. Supercuts, Mall Road, Lahore, 764422.

Rameez Raja - You're a very smart operator.
Click to expand...

And so are you Mr Gujar. Very smart indeed!!! LOL
 
Gabbar : Kitne admi they?
Sambha : Sardar 2

Gabbar : Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?
Samba : Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai

Gabbar : Aur 2 ke pehle?
Samba : 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.

Gabbar : To beech mein kaun ata hai?
Samba : Beech mein koi nahi aata

Gabbar : To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?
Samba : 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.

Gabar : 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samba : 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.

Gabbar : Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samnba : Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do..
 
sardar interview dainay gya.......BOSS; electric generator kaisay chalta hai?
sardar; turrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
BOSS(gussay me) stop it!
sardar; tur tur tr tussss!
 
This is a real story occurred in my area few years back.

A Pathan Chai Wala was going with a Cup of Tea on the Road to deliver it on a Shop. Wrist watch tied on his right hand and Cup was also on his right hand. A guy walking nearby asked him “Khan sahib time kya hua hai”?. He suddenly looked at the Watch and angrily replied “Tumhara Maa Ka __________ hua hai” :))

Chai jo neeche girl gayi thi:P
 
Pathan Ne "KFC" Phone Kiya:

Hello Kfc!!
1 Zinger Burger!
1 Spicy Rice!
... 1 French Fries!

Bhej Do!

KFC:

G Kis K Naam Pe?

Pathan:
Allah K Naam Pe
 
PTHAN "Hotel" mein ROAST khanay k baad Haddi chaba rha tha.

Paas mein betha "Indian" DAAL kha raha tha,

Us ne PTHAN se Tanziya andaaz mein pucha:
KHAN..! Tumharay Elaaqay mein "KUTTAY" kya khatay hain?

PATHAN ne kaha: DAAL

Moral:

.
.
Kabhi Kabhi
PATHAN b point maar saktay hain...
 
Shahid Afridi, Umer Gul or Younas Khan udaas baithay thay.

MISBAH! Kia hua Udaas Q ho.?

Afridi! Ham ko uska Buhat yaad aaraha hai.

Misbah! Kis ka yaad aaraha hai?

Afridi! Usi Pepsi walay Chiknay ka jo mujh se keh raha tha k,

" World Cup K Leaiy Mujhay Bhi Sath Lechalo
 
A Nigerian man name Emuebie (aka Michael Waugh) who has never been out of his village, goes to Egypt for the first time. While he is walking he notices a large gathering of people.

His curiosity get the best of him, and he joins the gathering and asks one person what is happening. The gentlemen explains to him:

" The king wants to marry his daughter to a worrier, so he is holding a competition, the competition consist of three steps"

1. You have to swim underwater
2. Jump through fire
3 Fight/kill a lion

"And he will marry you with his daughter"

The man gets very excited and enters this competition, every other contestant has taken about 15 min, they have either drop out or drowned, burned etc

Half an hour goes by and there is no sign of Emuebie (aka Micheal Waugh), the whole town has gathered and everyone is getting really anxious....

Eventually Emuebie emerges all bloody, sword in his hand, his hand raised, screaming in celebration. The whole public start to cheer and everyone is celebrating.

Meanwhile someone ask Emuebie please tell us how you accomplished this. With his thick Nigerian accent he replies:

I swam through water

Jumped through the fire

Married the lion and kiiiillllled the bloody daughter!


Oh man that took some typing.
 
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What do you call a black man on a bike?

A hard-working individual who found a steady job due to a sound CV built upon years of experience and thus earned enough money through sheer graft to afford a standard bicycle of his own which he rides to and from his workplace each and every day because he is healthy, doesn't like to waste money on gas, and tries his best to limit the amount of pollution, mainly coming from the numerous automobiles frequenting the busy streets, he passes daily.


How do you stop a clown from smiling, laughing annoyingly and making balloon animals?

Kick him in the balls.
 
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After being released from custody, a man narrates the story to his friend.

"I got pulled over for drink driving", he begins. "So they asked me to provide a urine sample".

"Did you?" queries his friend.

"I did, but then I stole the sample!"

"So did you get done for taking the p1ss?"

"No I actually got done for a violent assault 17 years prior. Due to advancements in DNA fingerprinting they were able to positively match my DNA to that found on the victim."
 
If Pakistani trains are named after Pakistani film Actresses.... this how the news would sound like


Aaj Reema overload ho kar gai!!

Saima k neechay aa k aik banda halaak!!

Accident main Shahida Minni ki pichli bogi tabbah!!

Tez raftaari ki wja se LAILA patri se uter gai!!

Meera chalte chalte band ho gai!!



​
 
Why did Billy fall off the swing?

No one knows. He was alone at the time the accident occured and no one witnessed the unfortunate event taking place. Anything said or written in this regard is mere speculation and heresay as Billy has never been able to give his account of the tragedy because he died instantly from severe head trauma.
 
Malkin naukarani say boli " Poli, tum 3 din say kaam pe nahin ai aur bataya bhi nahin, kahan gayeb thin tum... "

Naukarani " Baji, main ney facebook pe status update tu kar diya tha ke " going to Gaon for 3 days " aur ap key husband ney comment bhi kia tha.. ' have a safe trip, come soon Poli, miss u... "
 
ace4rmspace said:
Why did Billy fall off the swing?

No one knows. He was alone at the time the accident occured and no one witnessed the unfortunate event taking place. Anything said or written in this regard is mere speculation and heresay as Billy has never been able to give his account of the tragedy because he died instantly from severe head trauma.
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This post is the epitomy of a juxtaposition of emotions. Hilarious and at at the same time mildly upsetting! :))
 
Gujar said:
This post is the epitomy of a juxtaposition of emotions. Hilarious and at at the same time mildly upsetting! :))
Click to expand...

I think the correct term, coined by the legend DM, is anti-jokes
 
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DM said:
A man and a woman are crossing the desert. They find a lamp in the sand. The man rubs the lamp and nothing happens. Afterward, he feels a bit foolish.
Click to expand...

I remember reading this one a few months back.

It just had to be shared again.
 
A man gave an add in Matrimonial column
"PATNI CHAHIYE".......... He got 1000 replies all saying:-
" Meri Le Ja...!" ..........''Meri Le Ja...!''
 
Gujar said:
This post is the epitomy of a juxtaposition of emotions. Hilarious and at at the same time mildly upsetting! :))
Click to expand...

I don't know why it sounds so funny though. I mean, there is nothing remotely amusing about the situation, the series of events or the eventual outcome then why? I guess we're just dark, twisted individuals deep down. :asif

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.
 
^ Thats not how we do it down here man. I think you best edit that. Have a read through the thread, I doubt you'll find anything like that.

Cheers for that. Respect!
 
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my bad, i just read the first page and didnt see anytin abt no dirty jokes. cant it just be deleted?
 
^ That'll do just fine! It's a family friendly forum, kids of all ages come round and you don't want them to stumble upon something grossly inappropriate. Like I said, have a read through the threads, you'll find some gems and get a feel of what may be deemed appropriate. It's not actually black and white, sometimes things are pushed a bit but you'll get the gist of things. Not to be taken personal my friend.

Boy: Did it hurt when you fell?
Girl: Fell from where?
Boy: From heaven.
Girl: Awwwww, that's so ...
Boy: ... because your face is seriously messed up!
 
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Patient: "Ask me if I'm a tree."

Psychiatrist: "Are you a tree Mr Adams?"

Patient: "No."

Patient: "And I'm not Mr Adams either you tool !"
 
A man overhears his wife talking to her best mate about her dream man.

Later on he confronts her.

'How can you tell me you love me and then talk about other men like that?'

'Honey, I love the car I drive but it doesn't mean I don't dream about driving a Porsche.'

Satisfied with the analogy the husband stops the inquisition.

Later that night the wife catches her husband watching porn.

'How can you love me and still feel the need to watch porn?' asks the wife whilst sobbing.

'Who the hell told you I love you you dirty slag?' replies the husband.
 
Gujar said:
A man overhears his wife talking to her best mate about her dream man.

Later on he confronts her.

'How can you tell me you love me and then talk about other men like that?'

'Honey, I love the car I drive but it doesn't mean I don't dream about driving a Porsche.'

Satisfied with the analogy the husband stops the inquisition.

Later that night the wife catches her husband watching porn.

'How can you love me and still feel the need to watch porn?' asks the wife whilst sobbing.

'Who the hell told you I love you you dirty slag?' replies the husband.
Click to expand...
:)))
 
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "Yes thank you ,problem solved."
 
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