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The Lame Jokes Thread

ace4rmspace said:
My take on The Cannibals:

Cannibal's son to Cannibal:"Daddy,I don't like mummy ..."

At that precise moment in time it dawned upon the cannibal, who's name was actually Dave, that he didn't like her much either. He had only been putting up with her for all these years because she was his son's mother and the house was in her name. Further more, it was merely a cruel twist of fate and a stupid act of drunken mischief which had brought them together in the first place. It was she who introduced him to, which he now realised was a vile act of, eating ones kind, prior to which he was a strict vegan. Such was the impact of this damning self realisation that he just could not come to terms with the fact that he had spent all these years living as a vile sub-human creature due to the cruel influence of his wicked wife, that he sought solace in suicide and jumped infront of a bus. His son took care of his remains.
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Awesome -- I am watching a lame jokes sculptor at work:-)
 
Queen Elizabeth and Princess Diana approached heaven together. St Peter said he could allow only one of them in. The queen wanted to use the loo urgently, and Peter showed her the way. Meanwhile Diana tried her best to convince Peter to let HER in.

"What special value do you bring to be allowed in, in place of your MIL?" asked Peter. Diana made a clean breast of it, in putting together cogent reason. Meanwhile, there was a loud noise of the queen flushing the toilet. Peter promptly led Elizabeth to the entrance of heaven. When Diana protested, Peter silenced her with, "A Royal flush beats a queen pair".
 
AZ said:
what a shocking and disgraceful joke.

You sir, are horrid.
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I know, sorry. It's not even one of my own, I read it on a website, honest! I don't even know what the holocaust is, I thought it was a massive swarm of insects that eats everything it comes across, which would have been worse than finding a single worm in ones apple, no?

Just googled the word and I apologise.
 
ace4rmspace said:
Could you please just shoot me and be done Sir?
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<iframe frameborder="0" width="480" height="360" src="http://www.dailymotion.com/embed/video/x5ymxk?theme=none&wmode=transparent"></iframe><br /><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5ymxk_akhiyon-se-goli-maare_music" target="_blank">Akhiyon Se Goli Maare</a> <i>by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/hungama" target="_blank">hungama</a></i>
 
ace4rmspace said:
Thank you Prince_Pathan and Suresh Iyer. I think I'll retire now.

"A Royal Flush ... " :facepalm lol
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smooth man smooth...taking a dump on a public forum...there are kids here


must have been a big dump as your face is placed on the palm of your hand


sorry to cause the influx of shoite!
 
i know...just a tongue in cheek reply to "mr my morbid jokes are funnier than everybody elses and im first to call everything else crap"

im referring to my post which he classifies as a large ****...hence the flushing

i realise what i said cheeseball dude :P its intentional
 
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Prince_Pathan said:
i know...just a tongue in cheek reply to "mr my morbid jokes are funnier than everybody elses and im first to call everything else crap"

im referring to my post which he classifies as a large ****...hence the flushing

i realise what i said cheeseball dude :P its intentional
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On second thoughts, would it have been lamer if Elizabeth had said to Diana, "I'll see your Pair, and Raise you a Royal Flush..."
 
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American-English...

Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:

They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"

They say "pants" we say "trousers"

They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his b******s whilst being beaten for answers".
 
My wife just asked me to do that thing from The Full Monty, so I stood up and started singing the tune "You can leave your hat on" as I unbuttoned my shirt and swayed my hips from side to side.

"No," she interrupted. "Get down the f*****g job-centre, you lazy tw*t."
 
Thick Footballers

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7″
David Beckham
“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Mark Viduka
“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well, he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had.”
David Beckham
“If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.”
Neville Southall
“I’ve had 14 bookings this season – 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.”
Paul Gascoigne
“I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.”
Alan Shearer
“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona “
Mark Draper
“You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.”
Peter Shilton
“I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don’t want to leave Leicester “
Stan Collymore
“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi
“Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright
“I’m as happy as I can be – but I have been happier.”
Ugo Ehiogu
” Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.”
Jonathan Woodgate
“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”
Stuart Pearce
“I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.”
Lee Hendrie
“Germany are a very difficult team to play…they had 11 internationals out there today.”
Steve Lomas
“I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.”
Barry Venison
“I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.”
David Beckham
“The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.”
Phil Neville
“All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.”
Mitchell Thomas
“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best.”
Alan Shearer
“I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.”
Johnny Giles
“Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”
Thierry Henry
 
Prince_Pathan said:
smooth man smooth...taking a dump on a public forum...there are kids here


must have been a big dump as your face is placed on the palm of your hand


sorry to cause the influx of shoite!
Click to expand...

Sorry PP but you completely lost me there. Let me explain my post. I thanked you and Suresh Iyer for the compliments. The "A Royal Flush" and :facepalm were in response to Suresh Iyers post, I just found that part of his joke hilarious, it was a token of appreciation. My apologies if I was misunderstood.
 
ace4rmspace said:
Sorry PP but you completely lost me there. Let me explain my post. I thanked you and Suresh Iyer for the compliments. The "A Royal Flush" and :facepalm were in response to Suresh Iyers post, I just found that part of his joke hilarious, it was a token of appreciation. My apologies if I was misunderstood.
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Thanks for the appreciation but your apology for nothing (though not addressed to me) sounds -- dare I say it -- lame. Anyway, try this one for size:

Q. What did the man at the bar do when he saw (through a window) a nuclear missile descending at great speed?

A. He ordered an INSTANT coffee.
 
LOL Gold Leaf!!

Can I just say, you used to be my favorite fag before I gave up that sort of stuff.
 
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Altaf bhai London main EID ki shopping ker k jany lagy to dukaandaar bola: Bhai paise?

Altaf Bhai dukaandaar ka kandha daba kar bolay: Pagal tujhse thori longa.
 
the dirty version is a lot funnier......but please don't post it :fawad
 
Closet? Who's talking about closets Shehryar Mian?

I was talking about how I was misled into thinking smoking was actually cool and the manly thing to do. I mean, all the ads showed the machoest men and hunkiest hunks smoking K2 and Gold Leaf. I thought I'd join the club but all it did was give me a temporary rush, bad breath and an occasional cough. I was as much a man as I was before, no more, no less. I was confused thinking it may be me, those guys on telly couldn't be wrong surely? But in the end I realised the error of my way, had a change of heart and gave up smoking but during the time I did indulge in aforementioned act, Gold leaf used to be my favorite brand of cigarettes. It was fun while it lasted might I add, or so I thought but I am well and truly over my brief infatuation with the habit. Thats what I was explaining to these gentlemen. You were saying?
 
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So you are no longer leaving polite society, and heading off to seclusion in order to privately indulge in your filthy and solitary, yet strangely satisfying, habit?
 
ShehryarK said:
So you are no longer leaving polite society, and heading off to seclusion in order to privately indulge in your filthy and solitary, yet strangely satisfying, habit?
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Correct. To be honest, I never really went out of my way to hide my vice, I was very much open about it and quite comfortable with my actions. This was however before it became socially unacceptable in public places in most if not all western countries.
 
A man wakes up one morning, but he gets the feeling that he is still inside a very vivid dream, which has encapsulated his entire being. He can hear distant voices, feel a tingling in his toes, sense a glowing radiating sensation on his eyelids but he feels motionless. He drifts away again, only to wake up a few hours later to find the whole process beginning again. The cycle seems to go on and on for what seems like days, possibly weeks. 'Where am...' is the thought taking shape in his head that is ended abruptly as one of the hospital porters unfortunately trips over and unplugs his life support unit.
 
Saw a fat bird walking down the street today.

She had a T-shirt on saying I love the HIP HOP.




I think the letters C and S must have fallen off.

__________________

My neighbour knocked at my door at 2.30am last night.

2.30am???




Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes....
__________________

My Therapist says I have Revenge Issues.






We'll see about that........:pissed:
 
Gujar said:
A man wakes up one morning, but he gets the feeling that he is still inside a very vivid dream, which has encapsulated his entire being. He can hear distant voices, feel a tingling in his toes, sense a glowing radiating sensation on his eyelids but he feels motionless. He drifts away again, only to wake up a few hours later to find the whole process beginning again. The cycle seems to go on and on for what seems like days, possibly weeks. 'Where am...' is the thought taking shape in his head that is ended abruptly as one of the hospital porters unfortunately trips over and unplugs his life support unit.
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Thats cold man ... *shivers*
 
Little Luke was still only a few weeks old when his mum had walked out on him and his dad. His dad had raised him alone, in a dingy one bedroom flat, whilst working nights at the docks whilst Luke slept.

On the eve of Luke's 10th Birthday his dad decided to give him his present.

'Now Luke, you're going to be 10 years old', explained his dad. 'You're a big boy now, so you don't need toys. So what I have got you this year is not a toy'.

'Ok dad', remarked Luke.

Luke's dad handed over a little package wrapped in brown paper. Luke eagerly ripped the packaging away to reveal the item.

'But dad, this is just a Tesco carrier bag', sighed Luke disappointedly.

'Exactly son, look what it says here, This is not a toy', explained his dad.

'Now Luke i've also got the same item. What we're going to do is play a little game. We're going to put this over our heads and tighten it and see who can last the longest inside, ok?'

'Ok dad!' said Luke, suddenly sounding a lot more excited at the thought of a game.

The following morning their bodies were discovered by their landlord who had just given Luke's dad the eviction notice 24 hours earlier, due to unpaid rent, going back to six weeks earlier when Luke's dad lost his job.
 
Gujar said:
A man wakes up one morning, but he gets the feeling that he is still inside a very vivid dream, which has encapsulated his entire being. He can hear distant voices, feel a tingling in his toes, sense a glowing radiating sensation on his eyelids but he feels motionless. He drifts away again, only to wake up a few hours later to find the whole process beginning again. The cycle seems to go on and on for what seems like days, possibly weeks. 'Where am...' is the thought taking shape in his head that is ended abruptly as one of the hospital porters unfortunately trips over and unplugs his life support unit.
Click to expand...

Gujar said:
Little Luke was still only a few weeks old when his mum had walked out on him and his dad. His dad had raised him alone, in a dingy one bedroom flat, whilst working nights at the docks whilst Luke slept.

On the eve of Luke's 10th Birthday his dad decided to give him his present.

'Now Luke, you're going to be 10 years old', explained his dad. 'You're a big boy now, so you don't need toys. So what I have got you this year is not a toy'.

'Ok dad', remarked Luke.

Luke's dad handed over a little package wrapped in brown paper. Luke eagerly ripped the packaging away to reveal the item.

'But dad, this is just a Tesco carrier bag', sighed Luke disappointedly.

'Exactly son, look what it says here, This is not a toy', explained his dad.

'Now Luke i've also got the same item. What we're going to do is play a little game. We're going to put this over our heads and tighten it and see who can last the longest inside, ok?'

'Ok dad!' said Luke, suddenly sounding a lot more excited at the thought of a game.

The following morning their bodies were discovered by their landlord who had just given Luke's dad the eviction notice 24 hours earlier, due to unpaid rent, going back to six weeks earlier when Luke's dad lost his job.
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Immense :))) :))) :)))
 
I don't know what's more worrying, you writing that or me finding it utterly hilarious. I think help needs to be sought at some stage ...
 
Many thanks for you love brothers. It's that which drives me to go and sit on that hill at 2am in the morning seeking inspiration. And it's Thames Valley Police who drive me back home again.
 
I thought these 2 were hilarious, but are probably lame:

Rajnikanth ran out of bullets in his pistol, but there was one enemy left to exterminate.
So he went up to the villain and whispered something in his ear, and the villain fell to the ground, and immediately died.

Wonder what he said?

"Dishkiayon."
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Teacher: Do mey se do minus kardo to kya bacha?

Pathan: Hum ko sawal samajh naheen aati.

Teacher: Tumhare paas 2 rotiyan thi, tumne unko kha liya, ab kya bacha?

Pathan: Salan.
Click to expand...
 
AZ said:
I thought these 2 were hilarious, but are probably lame:
Click to expand...

Ha ha Good one :)

I have a few lame Rajni ones..

  • Rajinikanth once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
  • Rajinikanth doesn’t need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates
  • When Rajnikanth is asked to kill some one he doesn’t know, he shoots the bullet and directs it the day he finds out.
 
ITguyAurKya said:
Ha ha Good one :)

I have a few lame Rajni ones..

  • Rajinikanth once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
  • Rajinikanth doesn’t need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates
  • When Rajnikanth is asked to kill some one he doesn’t know, he shoots the bullet and directs it the day he finds out.
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Global warming is just a euphemism for "Rajanikanth has fever".
 
More Rajnikant gems:

Rajinikanth doesn’t breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that’s why there are no signs of life there.
Rajinikanth doesn’t move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Rajinikanth.
Rajinikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Rajnikant doesn't need a watch, he decides what time it is.
Rajinikanth doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint out of fear. :))
Rajnikanth runs until the Treadmill gets tired
When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on.... he turns the dark off.
Rajnikanth knows who let the dogs out
 
This is a lame joke thread. Not a Norris copycat thread.
 
Anti-Jokes are quite lame so I guess they aren't really out of place in this thread. But then again, so are Chuck Norris jokes and cheap rip offs of them. Hmmm ... I'm confused ... I need to lie down ...

Can I just add ... I think the Rajni Jokes were superbly lame!! Well done!
 
Gujar said:
Little Luke was still only a few weeks old when his mum had walked out on him and his dad. His dad had raised him alone, in a dingy one bedroom flat, whilst working nights at the docks whilst Luke slept.

On the eve of Luke's 10th Birthday his dad decided to give him his present.

'Now Luke, you're going to be 10 years old', explained his dad. 'You're a big boy now, so you don't need toys. So what I have got you this year is not a toy'.

'Ok dad', remarked Luke.

Luke's dad handed over a little package wrapped in brown paper. Luke eagerly ripped the packaging away to reveal the item.

'But dad, this is just a Tesco carrier bag', sighed Luke disappointedly.

'Exactly son, look what it says here, This is not a toy', explained his dad.

'Now Luke i've also got the same item. What we're going to do is play a little game. We're going to put this over our heads and tighten it and see who can last the longest inside, ok?'

'Ok dad!' said Luke, suddenly sounding a lot more excited at the thought of a game.

The following morning their bodies were discovered by their landlord who had just given Luke's dad the eviction notice 24 hours earlier, due to unpaid rent, going back to six weeks earlier when Luke's dad lost his job.
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Am i missing something? How is this a joke or can be found funny?
 
1 sperm has 37.5MB DNA info in it which means 1587GB data transfer in approx 3 sec during a normal ejaculation.

And they say 3G/4G is fast?
 
An old rather fat, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a chubby guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.
 
How to catch a lion ?

Delhi Police Style : Catch a street dog. Beat him to pulp and make his statement that he is a Lion.
 
Suresh Iyer said:
These are lame jokes, not funny jokes. I think you have not read the thread fully.
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Dude i have read the thread fully and its awesome. That particular paragraph was not a joke at all, leave alone it being lame. hence my question.
 
okay i'm going to be a kill joy here :)


Tera Gawaandi said:
An old rather fat, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a chubby guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.
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Not getting your money back? Can enlighten me when else you get your money back? :)
 
Little Johnny's class teacher said a student could take Friday off and enjoy a long weekend if said student could answer a general knowledge question the teacher would ask at 1 PM every Thursday. The first couple of Thursdays were frustrating for Johnny just as it was for all his classmates, as the teacher insisted on asking stupid questions like "Name President Roosevelt's dog".

On the third Thursday, at precisely 12:59, Johnny rolled a pair of his father's bowling balls, that he had brought to school for the purpose, down the middle of the classroom. The balls hit the teacher's chair and caused her to topple over. "Who's the comedian with the black balls?", she thundered. "Eddie Murphy, see you Monday," said Johnny, and ran out the door.
 
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