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The Lame Jokes Thread

nikred said:
:))) after reading the "desis sitting next to desis" thread i am sure who placed the nail over there.
Click to expand...

Good one :)) !!!
 
The Blazer said:
:))) :))) :))) :))) Good stuff!

Oxy woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

He stepped on a nail, his wounded got infected, and he died.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Gosh Blazer, did you drop your nail somewhere?
 
Easa said:
What was the reaction of the young 18 year old, a promising talent with great potential, when he was given the news of his annual medical check-up - cancers in every region of his body, including a rare form of cancer in the toe-nail?

He started sobbing uncontrollably and did not calm down until a tasty lollipop was placed directly inside his mouth, inducing a sigh of utmost relief.
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:))) :))) :))) :))) you rather are a most bizarre ox aren't you? :))) :)))
 
Easa said:
What was the reaction of the young 18 year old, a promising talent with great potential, when he was given the news of his annual medical check-up - cancers in every region of his body, including a rare form of cancer in the toe-nail?

He started sobbing uncontrollably and did not calm down until a tasty lollipop was placed directly inside his mouth, inducing a sigh of utmost relief.
Click to expand...

sheer class...... :))) :)))
 
There is a certain sportsman who eats nothing but mule-meat. This is primarily because he is a horse and because he is a dog, but it also helps him maintain his boar complexion, his ox shrewdness and his dog biceps.
 
Cryin Out Loud said:
I don't know how I am going dance around this joke.

In a period of unusual calm in the India Pakistan relationship, Mushy and Manmohan are walking down a Delhi street when Mushy gets the urge to go # 1.

Mushy saunters over to the nearest wall, as is the habit of all of us in the subcontinent. At which point Singh stops him.

"Yeh kya kar rahe ho bhai?"

Replies Mushy: "Kyon kya hua?"

A panicked Manmohan says " Arre Dilli Police aakey pakad legi!"

A startled Mushy replies: "Kya bolte ho Manmohan! Pakistan mein to sabko apna apna khud pakadna padta hai"


This is probably going to get deleted quick time.
Click to expand...


dont get it.....
 
Cryin Out Loud said:
I don't know how I am going dance around this joke.

In a period of unusual calm in the India Pakistan relationship, Mushy and Manmohan are walking down a Delhi street when Mushy gets the urge to go # 1.

Mushy saunters over to the nearest wall, as is the habit of all of us in the subcontinent. At which point Singh stops him.

"Yeh kya kar rahe ho bhai?"

Replies Mushy: "Kyon kya hua?"

A panicked Manmohan says " Arre Dilli Police aakey pakad legi!"

A startled Mushy replies: "Kya bolte ho Manmohan! Pakistan mein to sabko apna apna khud pakadna padta hai"

This is probably going to get deleted quick time.
Click to expand...


:)))
 
Cryin Out Loud said:
I don't know how I am going dance around this joke.

In a period of unusual calm in the India Pakistan relationship, Mushy and Manmohan are walking down a Delhi street when Mushy gets the urge to go # 1.

Mushy saunters over to the nearest wall, as is the habit of all of us in the subcontinent. At which point Singh stops him.

"Yeh kya kar rahe ho bhai?"

Replies Mushy: "Kyon kya hua?"

A panicked Manmohan says " Arre Dilli Police aakey pakad legi!"

A startled Mushy replies: "Kya bolte ho Manmohan! Pakistan mein to sabko apna apna khud pakadna padta hai"

This is probably going to get deleted quick time.
Click to expand...

lol :mush
 
Ralync said:
Monty Panesar?
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Hmm, no think more along the lines of someone who bears inexplicable grudges towards certain mammals that produce milk, cheese and communicate via the bleating method.
 
Q. Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

A. Because there are too many cheetahs.
 
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This probably isn’t a joke, rather an anecdote to all our married friends out there:

A woman was looking at herself in the mirror. She turned to husband and said:

Wife: sigh, I’m fat, bald and ugly. Why don’t you give me a compliment to cheer me up?

Husband: well your eyesight’s perfect!
 
Mohsin_Pak786 said:
This probably isn’t a joke, rather an anecdote to all our married friends out there:

A woman was looking at herself in the mirror. She turned to husband and said:

Wife: sigh, I’m fat, bald and ugly. Why don’t you give me a compliment to cheer me up?

Husband: well your eyesight’s perfect!
Click to expand...

A husband and wife are relaxing, husband with his head on his wife's lap. The wife removes his spectacles and ...

No, it's not a dirty story. Sorry to disappoint you.

Lets start again:

A husband and wife are relaxing, husband has his head on his wife's lap. The wife removes his spectacles and remarks, "Without your glasses on, you still look like the young boy I met twenty years ago."
The husband responds, "Without my glasses, you don't look bad either."
 
The Blazer said:
Oxy woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

He stepped on a nail, his wound got infected, and he died.
Click to expand...

Ina lilahi............
 
_44864048_family_bike_bbc126.jpg
two kids and a woman, but something that looks like helmet is on the guy. It can be hard to choose but No discrimination there
this pic is on bbc south asia page but not in article. The pic is worth more than the article
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/7525506.stm
 
Rickz said:
Q. Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

A. Because there are too many cheetahs.
Click to expand...
Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

Well technically you can, but of the threat of apes swinging down and pawing you fatally in the cranium would divert the focus somewhat and hence the quality of the game.
 
Rickz said:
Q. Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

A. Because there are too many cheetahs.
Click to expand...

Q. Why can't yoy play cards in the jungle?

A. Because the cannibal cavemen of the jungle are reputed to be homosexually oriented.
 
Why can't homosexual people play cards in the jungle?

Their customary wrist movements would make it impossible to always conceal the card from others.
 
DM said:
Why can't homosexual people play cards in the jungle?

Their customary wrist movements would make it impossible to always conceal the card from others.
Click to expand...

:))) :)))
 
DM said:
Why can't homosexual people play cards in the jungle?

Their customary wrist movements would make it impossible to always conceal the card from others.
Click to expand...
:)))
 
Q. What do you call mangoes that you don't buy but ask somebody for?
A. Maangoes.
 
DM said:
Why can't homosexual people play cards in the jungle?

Their customary wrist movements would make it impossible to always conceal the card from others.
Click to expand...
:))) :))) :))) :))) I'm terribly sorry, but you fatally hurt my general rib and spleen region with some of your jokes, you fatally hurt me :)))
 
:))) :))) what a thoroughly insane combination :)))

also, do pardon me but "and civil" :))) :))) :)))
 
How long is a piece of string?

Five centimeters.
 
:))) :))) :))) :))) well played sir, well played
 
Q. What did a man do when he'd missed the 44 bus?

A. He caught the 22 bus twice instead.
 
Q. Why do men like the company of members of the fairer sex?

A. Because they prefer a fair amount of sex. :dna
 
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Just spent ages tidying up this thread.

Any more stupidity and the thread will disappear, this time for good.
 
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road ?

A: To get to the second hand shop
 
Q: Why was the nondescript creature spotted on the horizon "grazing" incorrectly...quite incorrectly. There was no arable land in the region.

A: Because it wasn't a nondescript creature, it was an obese moose.
 
Why did the chicken attempt to cross the road?

To get to the other side.... of the life/death juncture.
 
Q-What did the father of three do after he realised that his family had died in the accidental blaze last Friday night?

A- He went home and committed the Hemingway Solution.
 
Q- What happened to the crazy old man who got a bit too excited with a chainsaw at the Old People's Gardening Convention?

A- He was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter with the partial defence of diminished responsibility.
 
The Blazer said:
Q- What happened to the crazy old man who got a bit too excited with a chainsaw at the Old People's Gardening Convention?

A- He was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter with the partial defence of diminished responsibility.
Click to expand...

Did he actually have abnormality of the mind?
Was the 'craziness' in the old man due to depressive illness, paranoia, epilepsy, pre-menstrual tension or even.........battered wife syndrome? Did he have an arrested or retarded development of the mind?
Does he fall into the case of Byrne? :Evil :Evil :altaf :altaf
:P:P
 
Mohsin_Pak786 said:
Did he actually have abnormality of the mind?
Was the 'craziness' in the old man due to depressive illness, paranoia, epilepsy, pre-menstrual tension or even.........battered wife syndrome? Did he have an arrested or retarded development of the mind?
Does he fall into the case of Byrne? :Evil :Evil :altaf :altaf
:P:P
Click to expand...

:)))

It has indeed been established that the defendant suffered from 'battered wife syndrome', thus suffering from a 'slow burn' reaction, meaning that a defence of provocation could successfully be brought about even if his antics were not the immediate reaction to an event (consult the cases of Humphreys and Aluwalia). However, it may be in the defendant's best interests to plead diminished responsibility as it is quite apparent that he was in a state of mind so different from that of the ordinary human being that the reasonable person would term it abnormal. The abnormality rose from the specified cause of disease or illness, the Bitter Old Man (BOM) syndrome. And yes, I think it is quite safe to say that this impaired his mental responsibility. :afridi
 
omg :))) :))) especially:
The Blazer said:
Q- What happened to the crazy old man who got a bit too excited with a chainsaw at the Old People's Gardening Convention?

A- He was found guilty of voluntary manslaughter with the partial defence of diminished responsibility.
Click to expand...
:))) :))) :))) you rather are a heinous mule-ogre aren't you?
 
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
 
The Blazer said:
:)))

It has indeed been established that the defendant suffered from 'battered wife syndrome', thus suffering from a 'slow burn' reaction, meaning that a defence of provocation could successfully be brought about even if his antics were not the immediate reaction to an event (consult the cases of Humphreys and Aluwalia). However, it may be in the defendant's best interests to plead diminished responsibility as it is quite apparent that he was in a state of mind so different from that of the ordinary human being that the reasonable person would term it abnormal. The abnormality rose from the specified cause of disease or illness, the Bitter Old Man (BOM) syndrome. And yes, I think it is quite safe to say that this impaired his mental responsibility. :afridi
Click to expand...

:)) Fair enough. Tut tut bechara...battered wife syndrome eh?

Oh well

case-closed-stamp.gif


Very well played old man
 
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?




A: Nice belt!
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter respon ded , 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Zardari's clock?' asked the man.

'Zardari's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan. :Evil
 
Another lame one to complement the others:

Q. What did Bollywood actress Tabu say when she got a bad case of the Delhi Belly, with the nearest WC miles away?

Q. : Ruk Ruk Ruk, Arrey Baba Ruk.
 
McBoom said:
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter respon ded , 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Zardari's clock?' asked the man.

'Zardari's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan. :Evil
Click to expand...
:))) :)))

Sounds like a similar one I've heard:


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?'

I should just quickly point out at this juncture for completion's sake that the method of death of the man in question, involved terribly incorrect administration of stove cleaner and other distinguished solvents delivered through asthma nebulisers into an oxygen mask which had been meticulously glued in an airtight seal around the generally-above-neck, nose-mouth-like complex. The culprit was not identified, but eye-witnesses did mention he moved like a mule, breathed like a dog, barked like an ape, and had the rump of a bull-egg-ox.

Anyway St. Peter responded , 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Zardari's clock?' asked the man.

'Zardari's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan!
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To attain the goal of achieving being on the general area of land that was currently several metres away in distance with an intervening longitudinal area of tarmac that is mainly designated for automobile vehicles.
 
Boi said:
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?




A: Nice belt!
Click to expand...
What did the 'Constrictor say to the eight?

Ooh no, that belt is slightly too loud don't you think?
 
How many beasts does it take to have a brain equivalent to that of a average man?

The answer to this question is one which the scientists have been working on for the past decade. It is pretty much a impossibbility to come to a conclusion with a particular sum if the number you started off with was 0. The reason for this is 0+0=0 so you therefore cannot get a answer. So there are no sufficient number of beasts which can equal the level of intellectual knowledge of that of a average mans brain.
 
Brothers, I love you. Easa and DM, this anti-humor had me literally lulzing for hours.
 
:))) just re-read it myself, classic :afridi

Imran_m said:
How many beasts does it take to have a brain equivalent to that of a average man?

The answer to this question is one which the scientists have been working on for the past decade. It is pretty much a impossibbility to come to a conclusion with a particular sum if the number you started off with was 0. The reason for this is 0+0=0 so you therefore cannot get a answer. So there are no sufficient number of beasts which can equal the level of intellectual knowledge of that of a average mans brain.
Click to expand...
:))) thats the stuff
 
How many beasts will it take to piece Imran_m together?

The answer to this question is one which the scientists have been working on for the past decade. It is pretty much an impossibility to come to a conclusion with a particular sum if the beast's brainpower you started off with was 0. The reason for this is 0+0=0 so you therefore cannot get a answer. So there are no sufficient number of beasts which can equal the level of intellectual knowledge required to piece Imran_m together.
 
Why did the X cross the road?

To get to the other Y (wide, side).
 
Why did the psycho proceed to humiliate random pedestrians on the street?

He had a strange itch just south of his left armpit and had to engage in hand-to-hand physical combat to properly rid him of this irritable pain, this quite demonic feeling of frustration that was causing him to feverishly move his palm up and down a rather sweaty structure to absolve the feeling of pity and lack of hope that had enveloped his general brain-mind-head-like region.
 
:))) :))) :))) :))) "just south", "a rather sweaty structure", "general brain-mind-head-like region" omg :)))

PS this thread is absolutely amazing :D
 
Q: Why was play held up during South Africa's run-chase in the penultimate ODI between Pakistan and South Africa in Durban?

A: Because the bowling side's constriction-themed bowler felt an overwhelming urge to shampoo the batsman's cheeks clean.
 
DM said:
Q: Why was play held up during South Africa's run-chase in the penultimate ODI between Pakistan and South Africa in Durban?

A: Because the bowling side's constriction-themed bowler felt an overwhelming urge to shampoo the batsman's cheeks clean.
Click to expand...

:))) This thread is amazing.
 
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name
--------------------------------------...
Always Allow The Boss To Speak First


A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"


So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.


The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….
--------------------------------------...
Which is the 27th Letter of English Alphabet ????????





































R U looking for the answer ??Very Good .. Well... Which School did u got educated ..???
--------------------------------------...
 
pakcricketfan said:
Munna Bhai: Yar Circuit...Apun ko ek nurse se pyar ho gaya hai.Usko letter mein kia likhnay ka??

Circuit: Bindaas likhnay ka: "Sister I love you" from your Munna Bhai!
Click to expand...
:)))
 
Joe and his son had a small apartment in the city and Joe had to change his pants but was ashamed to tell his son to go in any other room. He thought that only chance he has got with his ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, he thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for at least good 5 minutes or so.

The boy began his commentary as his father put his plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," the boy said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

he called out: "Matt's riding a new bike and Mr. Cooper is changing his pants."

the shivering father asked, "How do you know that?"

"Because his son is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

:))):)):))):)):))):)))
 
Why was the opening batsman unable to play for his side against their long-time rivals?

He was in a freak accident the night before. He died.
 
Have you heard the story of the world-renown biologist, a man with innumerable scientific degrees and accolade, a man happily married with two kids and a pet bunny named Chester?

No you haven't. It's because he died.
 
Easa said:
Why was the opening batsman unable to play for his side against their long-time rivals?

He was in a freak accident the night before. He died.
Click to expand...

Inna lillahi wa...

AhmedZulfiqar said:
what the hell...that wasn't even funny
Click to expand...

Hence the 'lame' jokes my man :)
 
Surely you must remember Archibald from Papua New Guinea - he had a strange accent, bloated nostrils, and a walking style that resembled certain explicit scenes in the popular, award-winning flick, Brokeback Mountain, whatever became of him?

He died.
 
Do you remember the reaction of that youngster with his whole life ahead of him, when the doctor, after observing his medicinal report, declared that he had an unnerving tumor lodged discreetly inside his brain, blocking off mental support and leaving him horridly dull and without an inkling of a hope to live, love, or laugh again?

Oh, you don't remember the reaction? Well, the youngster sobbed. Yes. He sobbed.
 
What exact event occurred when the youngster's mother barged in to his room, at the sliver of midnight, and inexplicably caught him engaging in activity of a most illegal nature?

The younger merrily continued without as much as the blink of an eye.
 
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Paddy wins £9m on the lottery.

Camelot are short of funds and say to him, 'Is it ok if we give you £3m this week, £3m next week and £3m next month?'

Paddy says, 'Look if you're gonna fook us about just give me pound back.'
 
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