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The Lame Jokes Thread

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment...'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!'
 
imran nazir hit six yesterday morning
six hit imran nazir today afternoon
 
:))) Desire's posts are literally cracking me up in every thread
 
Holy sh*t the man is on fire.

What other threads has this man posted in lol.
 
Three men and one tiger
Two men and one tiger
One man and one tiger
One tiger
 
A Pakistani visits a Cairo restaurant and orders kabab. The waiter promptly brings him a plate of kofta.
 
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Interviewer: How many siblings do you have?
Interviewee: Nineteen.
Interviewer: What does your father do?
Interviewee: I just told you sir.
 
knock knock!
(door is open) what?
how is it possible? pakistan on one side of the door and honolulu on the other? what a joke!
 
Knock knock!
dhaaarrrrraaaammmm!!! door is broken due to excessive knocking.
 
To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
 
MAJID-SHAH said:
To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
Click to expand...

yea thats the benefit of playing for dalda eleven.
 
Why is it always so hot in a curling arena? - theres not a single fan there!

What do footballers drink? - penal-tea
 
I was depressed last night so I called "Lifeline."

Got a call center in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

:poodle
 
Bahu: Maan ji, yeh abhi tak nahin aaye, kahin kisi dusri ladki ke saath…

Saas: Arey kalmuhi, tu hamesha ulta kyun sochti hai? Aisa bhi to ho sakta hai ki kisi truck ke neeche aa gaya ho.
 
man to joke! you cant make me laugh no matter how much you try!!
joke. oh really? let me come into your brain. read me!!
man reads but doesnt laugh
joke. try again!
man reads again but doesnt laugh.
joke. what an ideot!!
 
What is a black man with snow in his ass sleeping in Sleeping bag

Bounty
 
What is the difference between a Indian and a fish? a fish stinks only when he is dead and a Indian always stinks
 
master ji. beta batao tawanai kissay kehtay hain?
shagrid. master ji ya to bohot purana sawal hai.
master ji. to phir jawab batao.
shagird. jis taway pay nae baitha ho ussay tawa nae kehtay hain.
master ji. beta itna arsa guzar gya tumhain jawab nehin aya. tawanaee nae ki ammi ji ko
kehtay hain
 
master ji. beta batao kashmiri aur punjabi main kya farq hai?
shagird. kashmiri ka taluq kashmir say hai aur punjabi ka taluq punjab say.
master ji. shahbash beta!!
shagird. but master ji ya to bohot asan sawal tha.
master ji. to beta tum kon sa matric kay student ho.
 
A man meets a stranger in Egypt and introduces himself.

Man: Hi, my name is Jamal.
Stranger: MashaAllah, good name, Gamal.
 
desire said:
master ji. Beta batao kashmiri aur punjabi main kya farq hai?
Shagird. Kashmiri ka taluq kashmir say hai aur punjabi ka taluq punjab say.
Master ji. Shahbash beta!!
Shagird. But master ji ya to bohot asan sawal tha.
Master ji. To beta tum kon sa matric kay student ho.
Click to expand...

:)) :))
 
how many jews can you fit in a volkswagen?

2 in the front 2 in the back 6 million in the ashtray.
 
Aik Pakistani dosray Pakistani say: Tujhay pata chala kal aik Ameriki APV bridge say giri, aur uss mein fouji 4 Amriki maray gaye.
Dosra Pakistani: Buhut afsoos ki baat hai
Pehla Pakistani: Woh kaisay?
Dosra Pakistani: APV mein 10 banday aatay hain
 
Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
 
Beta result k baad ghar pohancha.

Baap : tere result ka kia howa ?

Beta : wo Doctor Sahab ka beta fail ho gaya.

Baap : tere result ka Kia Howa ?

Beta : ji wo Advocate sahab ka beta bhi fail gaya.

Baap: Abbey tere result ka Pooch raha hoon main.

Beta : ji wo Proffesor sahab ka beta bhi 1 paper main fail hay.

Baap : Abbey Nalaaiq main tumhara result pooch raha hoon , apni bata.

Beta : Hennnn.... To Aap konsa Allama Iqbal hain jo aap ka beta pass ho ga.
 
Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher:
“can kids of our age have kids?”

Teacher replied ” NO Never!!”

Boy said to girl :
“see i told you not to worry!!!!”.
 
zardari: naseer ullah sahab mein soch rha hoon ky ghar aik kutta ley aoun.

Naseer ullah: zardari sahab kia zroorat hai, app b to ziada tar ghar he hoty hain
 
What is the similarity Between Indian Cricket Team and a Toilet????



Answer: Indian Cricket team mei bhi DHONI hai aur Toilet mei Bhi... :D
 
What did the Egyptian boy say to the egyptian girl?

Come behind the pyramid and I will make you a mummy.
 
Sardar:yaar,kal raat 3 ghanta english picture ki cd dekhi.na kuch scenes dikhe na awaz suni.

Friend:movie ka nam kya tha?

Sardar:no disc inserted.
 
I saw a polish women in the street kicking a can, so i asked her "What you doing"? - she replied: Im moving house!!
 
o molay nuu mola na maray tay mola nehin marda..... hoooo hahaha... hooo hahaha
we molya!! jaldi jaldi gatar saaf kar. daaalog na maar!!
 
butt after hearing the news that zimbabwe is touring pakistan.

"yaro yahi oppertuuuuunity hai! kismat say jo mili hai. chalo runs karain, average set karain. kal ka kyaaaaa hai pataaaaa"

imran farhat after hearing the news
"is bar jo lo ham ko to. 100 paanch karain gay. kasam hai sasur ji ki ham catch saray karain gay"
 
Desire said:
butt after hearing the news that zimbabwe is touring pakistan.

"yaro yahi oppertuuuuunity hai! kismat say jo mili hai. chalo runs karain, average set karain. kal ka kyaaaaa hai pataaaaa"

imran farhat after hearing the news
"is bar jo lo ham ko to. 100 paanch karain gay. kasam hai sasur ji ki ham catch saray karain gay"
Click to expand...

I'm impressed. :inti
 
Jokes!!!!!!!!!!

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bi*ch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.
 
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t20_cricket said:
a man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "jen, is the cat there?"

"yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
frustrated, the man answered, "put that son of a bi*ch on the phone, i'm lost and need directions.
Click to expand...


:))) :))) :))
 
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If you have a friend who is overweight (fat!) tell them to walk 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles at night.















By the end of the week they will be 70 miles away from u :)
 
There are 3 astronauts, an American, a Russian, and a Polish astronaut.

The American astronaut is bragging to the others that the Americans were the first to land on the moon.

The Russian then responds by promising that the Russians will be the first ones to land on Venus.

Not to be outdone the Polish astronaut says that they will be the first to land on the sun.

The American and Russian are both saying that, "you cant land on the sun, its too hot."

The Polish astronaut responds by saying, "we're going to land at night.
 
What is further away, Australia or the Moon?
Australia, you can see the Moon at night!
 
Nokrani: Malikan aap kiyun udas hain??

Malikan: tumharay sahib apnay office ke kisi larki say piyar kartay hain.

Nokrani: naheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! sahib mujh say dhoka nahi kar saktay.
 
Wife Husband say: Subha faraz office jatay hoye apni biwi ko pyar kerte hain, app ka dil nahi kerta?
.
Husband: Dil to kerta hay lekin Faraz sahab say durr lagta hay
 
1 sardar gehri soch me doba hua tha...

wife: kia soch rahe ho??

sardar: yar ye GEO TV walon ko kese pata chalta he??

wife: kia??

sardar: yehi k, aap dekh rahey hen GEO TV..........!!!!!
 
Pakistan Post nay Zardari kee pic wali stamp jaari ker dee..

awaam preshaan, kay thook kis taraf lagani hai ..
 
meri kushi k lamhey kitney mukhtasir hain faraz....

abhi mujhra shru hoa tha abhi chapa par gaya!!!
 
T20_Cricket said:
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bi*ch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions.
Click to expand...

:))):))):)))
 
:)))
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
 
More irony than joke, if it is true.

Heard that the shoe hurled at Butt was made in Butt's own shoe factory. May be it was just a dissatified customer who wanted a refund.
 
As Isaac Newton sat under a tree studying, a gentle south-westerly breeze began to stir, causing a coconut to fall and strike him on the head. The blow proved to be fatal, ending a potentially promising career ahead in the field of mechanical mathematics.

This incident led to the prohibition on the growth of coconut trees in England.
 
Gujar said:
As Isaac Newton sat under a tree studying, a gentle south-westerly breeze began to stir, causing a coconut to fall and strike him on the head. The blow proved to be fatal, ending a potentially promising career ahead in the field of mechanical mathematics.

This incident led to the prohibition on the growth of coconut trees in England.
Click to expand...

reported by mazhar mahmood NOTW :amin
 
The young winger had spent two years battling a serious knee injury, which had threatened to curtail prematurely, a hugely promising career.

Twenty seven minutes into his comeback, a crunching challenge had left him writhing around in agony, clutching his injured joint. As he was stretchered off the pitch, the commentator spoke of the sad sight, saying it was like a once-champion race horse no longer being able to compete at the peak of its powers. The young lad was later shot dead in a barn, just after sunset.
 
Aik aadmi doosre aadmi se : yeh maazoor kuttay itni khushi mai'n kyu'n naach rahe hai'n ?
Doosra aadmi : Zardari sahib ne apne marne ke baad apni body parts donate karne ka ailan jo kiya hai

Zardari:
Bachna Aey Kamino Lo Main Agaya . . .
Ezzat Ka Dushman,
Lotero Ka Dost,
Apni Ada Hai B.B Se Juda . . HEY HO

Shetano Ka School

Attendance:

Ajooj Majooj
Yes Sir!

Zakoota
Yes Sir!

Drakola
Yes Sir!

Iblees
Yes Sir!

Dajjal
Yes Sir

.

.

Zardari !

Sir Wo Pakistan Lootne
Gye Hua Hai.

:)))
 
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Aik din Nawab Aslam Raisani ne Zohar ki azaan ke baad hi roza khol dia
Un se pucha gaya to unho'n ne jawab dia : " Azaan to azaan hoti hai Maghrib ki ho ya Zohar ki "
 
T20_Cricket said:
:)))
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
Click to expand...


:))) :))) :))) your jokes kill me
 
Whats common between a toilet and the indian captain??

Simple yar .... Dhoni yahaan bhi hai, aur Dhoni wahaan bhi hai.
 
So a bus full ugly people are going to the mountains to ski. On the way their the bus falls of the mountainside of the pass and everybody dies. When everyone arrives in heaven they meet Saint Peter.

"I will grant you all one wish for making your lives so miserable because of your ugliness." He said.
Of course everyone wished that they were pretty or handsome. As everyone wished the man in the back of the line snickered and laughed the whole time.

When it was his turn to wish Saint Peter asked what was so funny.
So the man said " I wish they were all ugly again."
 
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