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The Lame Jokes Thread

Sardar ghar k bahar shirt utar k khara tha.
aik admi ne waha se guzartay huye kaha: Wah sardar ji kia chest hain??
Sardar khushi se: Abbey yeh to kuch bhi nahi, ander jaa kay apni bhabhi k dekh.
 
santa singh goes to his best friend banta singhs house and sees him crying ..
santa asks . why r u crying?
banta. yesterday night dacoits came to my house and killed my wife ..they shot her in the forehead
santa. oya shukar kar us ki aakh bach ghaiee
 
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patan falls from a 10th floor .crowd gathers and asks the badly injured patan "bhai kya hua bhai kya hua"

patan to crowd . yar muja kya pata ma be abhi aaya hu
 
ok i try myself .. lets see what comes out :(

bawa ji utho utho taishan a gya tada
puttar raateen 2 wajay jaag kay mainu uthaya iii, tera shukria.
o bawa ji aisi gal nehin main tay taaday mozian toon tang aan.
 
A man wants to learn english so he turns on the radio.
He hears, "i did it, i did it"
-changes the station-
hears "He took my lollypop"
-changes the station-
hears "plug it in, plug it in".

Policemen rip through his front door saying "THERES BEEN A MURDER!,
DO YOU KNOW WHO DID IT?"

The man says "i did it, i did it,"
The policemen ask back, "why'd you do it"?

The man says "He took my lollypop."
The policemen say "Sorry sir, we're gonna have to put you in the electric chair,"
and the man says back "Plug it in, Plug it in."
 
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
 
T20_Cricket said:
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
Click to expand...

Technically this would never happen. Two equally charged ions would always repel each other, therefore a 'bump' would never occur, as the force of repulsion would keep them apart. Two atoms charged differently would hurtle towards each other, resulting in a a full-on embrace which would last until time itself.
 
Gujar said:
Technically this would never happen. Two equally charged ions would always repel each other, therefore a 'bump' would never occur, as the force of repulsion would keep them apart. Two atoms charged differently would hurtle towards each other, resulting in a a full-on embrace which would last until time itself.
Click to expand...

:facepalm:
 
Sir : konsa parinda sub se taiz urta hay?

Boy: Hathi

Sir: Nalaiq tera Baap kya karta hay?
...
Boy: MQM k sector incharge hain..

Sir: Shabash beta Hathi hi sub se taiz urta hay... :altaf
 
Mr.Bean went to Guiness world record's office to check if he is still the biggest comedian on Earth or not,
but came out Angrily shouting
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who the Hell is
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ALTAF BHAI? :altaf
 
t20_cricket said:
a man wants to learn english so he turns on the radio.
He hears, "i did it, i did it"
-changes the station-
hears "he took my lollypop"
-changes the station-
hears "plug it in, plug it in".

Policemen rip through his front door saying "theres been a murder!,
do you know who did it?"

the man says "i did it, i did it,"
the policemen ask back, "why'd you do it"?

The man says "he took my lollypop."
the policemen say "sorry sir, we're gonna have to put you in the electric chair,"
and the man says back "plug it in, plug it in."
Click to expand...

:))) :)))
 
Sardar: Yaar aaj mujhay ajeeeeeeeeeeeeb MSG aya aur mera mobile off ho gaya!!! :( :(

Pathan: Aisa konsa MSG aya ?

Sardar: Battery Low :-/

Pathan: Send Kar Send Kar ............ Saaab ko tang kartey hein !!!
 
Height Of Confidence:
Once many professors were called & asked to sit in a airplane.

After they sat, they were informed that the plane was made by their students.

All of them ran & got out except one.

People asked him the reason? He Said: If its made by my students, It wont even start. :D
 
Husband: Mujhe bohat bhook lagi hai, kiya pakaya hai?
Wife: Bakray ki zuban pakai hai.
Husband: Yukh... Main monh se nikli hui cheez nahi kha sakta.
Wife: To phir omelet bana don?
 
One morning, one of Nasruddin's friends came to him and said: "Dear Nasruddin, will you please lend me your donkey? I have to travel to the next village to deliver some goods by sundown."

"Oh", replied Nasruddin with a pretension of anxiety, "but mine has already been taken by somebody else."

Just then the bray of a donkey was heard.

The man said to Bohlool, "You said your donkey has been taken but there it is. Is it not?"

Nasruddin replied, “You are a strange and stupid friend. Even after forty years of friendship, you listen to a donkey but not to me. You shall not have my donkey”.


Message:

Nadaan dost sae kaheen behtar danaa dushmun hota hae.
 
Sardar goes to Library and said.
Please give me the book titled "Psycho the rapist"
Librarian started searching the book and after sometime he came back with a book in his hand.
First he slapped the Sardar and then handed over book to him by saying.....
"Psychotherapist" hay kameenay.
 
Intelligent Sardar :P
all scientists failed to answer this but sardar rocks!!!


Q: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
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..

A:Besan kay Pakoray
 
Aik pathan road per ja raha tha ke ussko aik bottle mili, jaise hi ussne bottle ko khola uss main se aik jin nikla aur haath bandh ker khara ho giya.
Jin: Jannab aap ne mujhe aazad kiya aap apni koyi bhi 3 wishes batao ge to main ussko pora karonga.

Pathan: Kafi deer sooch ker bola. Mujhe naswar ka aisa packet do jo kabhi khatam na ho.
Jin ne usse packet diya, pathan ne niswar nikal ker khai to packet main phir aik naswar aa gayi. Pathan bohat khush hua.

Jin: Ab apni dosri aur teesri wish batao?
Pathan: Aise 2 packet aur de do.
 
Ek aurat dusri say:

"Jub thumai talaaq hui tu thumara ek bacha tha - ab 3 hein - kaisay ? "

Dusri aurat sharmaa k boli:

" Kamina kabi kabi maafi maangney aa jata hai " :))
 
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
 
Do you say, "Nine and five is thirteen," or "Nine and five are thirteen?"
Neither. Nine and five are fourteen.


What has four legs and a back but no body?
A chair.


What can run but can't walk?
Water


What has two hands but no arms?
A clock.
 
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Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to
Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,


We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this..

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon, which shows 'My Computer': when you will providethe remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows say 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta
Singh

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
 
:)))

A guy dials his home phone number from work

A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh... is this 555-4821?"
 
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”
 
Not exactly a joke, but I received this on my cell a few days back..

Pak trio *singing* :

Ham ne tou Eidi samajh ker paisey le liye they Faraz,
Zaalimo ne match fixing ka ilzaam laga diya *swoons*

:D
 
Sardar Santa Singh ji is the English teacher in a school somewhere in Punjab. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams.

The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the English class. This is what transpires :

Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA “
Students (in chorus) : “GADHA “
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA “
Students (in chorus) : “GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA “
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KAY PECHEY GADHA, GADHEY KAY PECHE MAI “
Students (in chorus) : “GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHE MAI”
Santa Singh : ” Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA, GADHEY KAY PECHE MAI AUR MERAY PECHEY POORI QOME “
Students (in chorous) : “GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY MAI AUR MERE PECHEY POORI QOME”

By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him “What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an English class and what he is saying is GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY MAI AUR MERAY PECHEY POORI QOME .

The principle is shocked as well. He immediately sends for for Santa Singh.

Principal : ” Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students ,
GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY GADHA , GADHEY KAY PECHEY MAI AUR MERAY PECHEY POORI QOME .

Santa Singh with a polite answer: ” Sir i was only teaching students the spelling of "ASSASSINATION" .
 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and politely asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, hes a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
A young desi man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I am going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I am going to marry." She immediately replies, "The short-hair in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.
 
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it’ll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, “We’ll ship her home.”

The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
 
decipher said:
a woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "that's the ugliest baby i've ever seen."
in a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and politely asked her what was wrong.

"the bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "why, hes a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"you're right," she said. "i think i'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"that's a good idea," the man said. "here, let me hold your monkey."
Click to expand...

hahahahaha
 
Decipher said:
A young desi man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I am going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I am going to marry." She immediately replies, "The short-hair in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.
Click to expand...

Good one!
 
:)))


Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.
I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life, the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed.
The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.
Wow, that`s really remarkable!" said the reporter. And how old are you? he asked the first old man.
I`m 93, said the man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.
And how old are you? asked the reporter.
I`m 91, said the old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.
Wow! said the reporter.And how old are you?
29, replied the man.
 
This is one of the best :))) :))):))):)))

Jenny awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"
"Yes, I do remember," she replied.
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."
 
Why did Little Johnny fall off his bike?

Because he wasn't paying attention and as a consequence rode into the path of an oncoming truck. Regardless of how experienced one might be at riding a bike, it would be nigh impossible to maintain ones balance in such a situation.
 
A blonde girl is lying dead on the floor with a potato peeler in her hand, what killed her?

Substance abuse and loneliness.
 
A Baby Seal walks into a club.


(this one made me cringe!)
 
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How do you make an idiot laugh?

Tell him a mildly funny joke relating to bodily functions, such as defacating or breaking wind.
 
How many jews does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change it and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself. The religion of the aforementioned is irrelevant as the same statement would hold true regardless of race,belief, gender or sexual orientation.
 
I am glad you approve Mr P.


What did one cannibal say to the other after eating a clown?

"We'll get in big trouble for this!"
 
A bit of Latvian for a change of taste ...

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poo for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!


Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.


Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.


Latvian is capture by cannibals.
Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your dying.”
Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!”
But oops! Is forgot how use!
 
An Englishman , an Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar and the barman says;

" Is this some kind of joke?"
 
A freshie arrives from Pakistan/India for the first time to this country. One day he is walking through the park and a group of skinheads say "Oi you, do you wanna fight?"
Not knowing any english whatsoever, he says "Yes"
So they beat him up and give him 2 black eyes.When he tells his wife at home she says " next time say No."
Then 2 weeks later he sees the same skinheads, who then ask him "Have you had enough?"
to which he replies......
 
What did the Jewish Boy get for Christmas?

Circumcised. Jews don't necessarily celebrate Christmas as a religious festival but do however partake from a social point of view. The fact that the procedure took place on Christmas was just a coincidence. The only relevance of Christmas to the whole scenario is that all clinics were closed due to it being a public holiday so the procedure had to be carried out at home by an untrained friend of the family in non-sterile conditions which led to a serious infection. To save the boys life, the organ had to be amputated.
 
What did the Christian Boy get for Christmas?

The toy he asked his parents to buy him.
 
I would love to claim this one as my own, but another DM gem -

'A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I've got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.'
 
ace4rmspace said:
A bit of Latvian for a change of taste ...

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poo for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!


Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.


Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.


Latvian is capture by cannibals.
Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your dying.”
Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!”
But oops! Is forgot how use!
Click to expand...
Oh you're killing me.

:)))
 
A panda walks into a restaurant..orders food.He eats his food,fires at something and then leaves the restaurant.
The bartender hurries after him and asks..why did you eat,shoot and then leave?

The panda replies...









because I'm 1/3 black.
 
Shahid Afridi's wife calls him during a match.
Someone else answers and says,"sorry,he just went out to b-.."
The wife says,"No problem,I will wait for one minute" and waits.

It turns out that Shahid Afridi hits a century and thus never returns in "one minute".His wife gets tired of waiting and subsequently hangs up.Later Afridi calls her himself.She argues with him for wasting her mobile phone credit.They argue for a bit and then make it up to each other and then end the call.
 
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A man lost in a desert in desperate need of food and water encountered a lamp. With Aladin being one of his favourite movies, the man proceeded to rub the lamp in hope of a Genie to appear that would subsequently grant him 3 wishes. To the amazement of the man, a genie did infact appear and offered him 3 wishes to which the man profusely rejected the offer.
 
Last edited:
Gujar said:
I would love to claim this one as my own, but another DM gem -

'A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I've got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.'
Click to expand...

Hilarious!
 
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