Age difference in marriages in our culture (esp arranged marriages)

[Savak]

As my expected immigration to Canada draws nearer and nearer, my folks did the expected a month ago at a dinner in front of other family members and some friends where they asked me to think about getting engaged before i stay away from Pakistan for the next 5 years atleast.

Literally felt ambushed and was the last thing i needed given the struggles of the last 2 years. Their point of view was that your 26 years old and its the right age, plus living in the west is going to be very very lonely for someone like me and felt taking such a step would bring about much needed mental stability to me apparently.

My initial reaction was hell no and later on i did think deep and hard about it, i didnt just think emotionally but also rationally based on my current circumstances, the fact i am going to be in another country for atleast 5 years before i can think of making a trip back to Pakistan and ofcourse the fact i dont feel ready. Anyways bottomline i said il think about it 4-6 years later maybe but not now as i have to focus on other things right now, want to get more life experience and that i dont feel mature enough yet etc. Folks are helpless as they cant force me besides they havent found a family yet in any case.

But man did they try all the tricks up their sleeves to get me to agree. "It will help give you much needed stability", "You feel your not really ready yet but you never know, even you cant tell right now whether it will be good or bad for you", "Its very difficult for a 30-32 year old guy to get married in an arranged marriage", "A potentially large age difference b/w guy and girl is not good", "Its wrong to disobey the wishes of parents", "It will help you get mentally settled while your in Canada" etc.

But i didnt budge and stuck to my stance "Not yet, i have a lot to learn, have to focus on getting my studies out of the way, getting a decent job with decent career growth prospects and il think about this 4-6 years later".

My question is that is a an age difference of 5,6,7 or even 8 years very risky for marriage? Is it actually impossible for a 30-32 year old guy to get married (arranged marriage)? I know of 6 people who got married to 22-24 year old brides when they were 30-33 years old so i cant really understand the negative opinions of some people i have spoken too.

Anyways this is what the thread is about. Age differences in marriage and the possibility of a 5-8 year age gap between the guy and girl translating into a successful marriage? Does anyone know of successful marriages where huge age differences were present? And last ofcourse whether a 30-32 year old guy can actually get married in an arranged marriage?

 

[ninjafirstslip]

Hey it is your choice but leaving it too long is a pretty big danger. Your of age and perhaps not economically prepared for a wife and eventual family. So just get engaged and see what happens after a year or two. You should not dismiss any idea and should take it all into account. An engagement will probably be a sound idea, but that's just my 2 cents.

 

[iZaman]

Well... I know a couple of close-relatives with 10+ (even 16) years gap between them.

No Problem at all.

 

[Pakhtoon_Rules]

Its all about understanding and women get mature much quickly compare to male. So yes its ok but its better if the age difference is less.

 

[ninjafirstslip]

Here is a question, will you be willing to get married to a girl closer to 30 in 5 or 6 years time?

 

[Savak]

Here is a question, will you be willing to get married to a girl closer to 30 in 5 or 6 years time?

Barring 1 or 2 exceptions, most girls i have seen have been married off b/w 22-26. Not common to see an unmarried single girl around 30-32 in our culture at least. I would personally like any girl i eventually agree to accept have a college education at least so too would my parents.

 

[ninjafirstslip]

I don't know man, generally I have more to talk about with girls in my same age group are (like 2 or 3 years) someone as young as 22 or 23 when i am 30 would seem quite daunting.

 

[Savak]

A female friend of mine was telling me about this guy who got married at 31 to a 23 year old girl who just graduated out of college and had a job somewhere. They looked great together and if you looked at their pre engagement pics, people got the impression they were a match made in heaven.

However they got divorced after 6 months, too much strife. Things and expectations did not match up. One anecdote i heard from someone trying to dissuade me from accepting a big age difference.

 

[Savak]

I don't know man, generally I have more to talk about with girls in my same age group are (like 2 or 3 years) someone as young as 22 or 23 when i am 30 would seem quite daunting.

I know the feeling, even i am clueless whenever i drive my sister and her 19 year old friends whenever they need to be dropped somewhere or need a ride in general. They obviously find me intimidating.

However surely a marriage, relationship type situation has got to be different. You cant really predict or plan for infatuations, lust, love or when your hormones act up.

 

[ninjafirstslip]

Its pretty much a decade if you think about it. Different time breeds different thoughts and experiences. Compatibility issues are abound when your more mature, older and wiser whilst the young girl is pretty much still enjoying youth.

 

[ninjafirstslip]

It is all in the almighty's hands but their is a reason to why the quraan says to listen to your parents.

 

[umerz]

Since you have only asked to comment on age difference, i got married last year at the age of 31 and we have 7 years difference in ages. Alhamdullilah life couldn't have been any better.

 

[Disco_Lemonade]

Hain, 28 to 32 years old guys are what the arranged marriage aunties prefer in hooking up their relatives daughters. Usually thats the age where guys get a job with handsome salary package and is in his maturity age due to 6 to 8 years of working.

You need to worry not savak, go on, enjoy yourself, get a job work hard party for 4 to 6 years, once you have the cash flowing, you have the chicks all over you baby.

But if you are so worried about it YOURSELF then get engaged, but you must know that once you are committed, you must not turn your head for the other ones. If you do this there, your fiance will do it here (dont take it to heart). Jokes apart if you are worried, then get married and be done with it. dont go for engagement as it has more chances of breaking apart then getting a nikah or marriage.

 

[ElRaja]

lols, five years away, you'll pbly find a canadian desi girl, and then we'll have a topic about how you gona break it to your parents in two or three years

 

[Savak]

You need to worry not savak, go on, enjoy yourself, get a job work hard party for 4 to 6 years, once you have the cash flowing, you have the chicks all over you baby.

That appears to be my line of thinking so far. Have very little time for anything serious right now, am thinking strictly casual for the time being. I couldnt get the girl i was infatuated over, doesnt mean i have to just settle, would rather chill out, relax, enjoy myself and experience things before i take the inevitable plunge.

 

[W63L35]

....and why it has to be now or after 5 years ....why it can't be between those 5 years?

....plus you need to look at the practical aspects of the getting married. If you have a decent job as soon as to land, and can support family then get engaged now and marry within next one year. You don't want to delay getting married for too long because don't you want to have kids and grand kids when you are relatively young?

....as far as age difference if concerned, it all boils down to understanding. If you have understanding, you can marry a girl older than you (Sachin did) and you'll be very happy.

 

[abc_to_xyz]

ufff! im 22... 4+2+2, I will be completing my studies on 28, PhD on 30... Can't see a good future for myself but marriage isn't everything so no worries

 

[baalti]

all i will say is this, when ever you think you are ready (you say u r 26 now) so say u think you will be ready to get married at 33, i say get married when u r 29-31 because it will take 2-3 years for your sponsorship process (if u get married to a girl in pakistan)... that way by the time she can be with you you will be 33 or almost 33... take this hint strongly and one day you will thank me for it... so yea, dont wait till 33 coz then she will be there when u r 35 or 36 lolz...

 

[sada90]

As my expected immigration to Canada draws nearer and nearer, my folks did the expected a month ago at a dinner in front of other family members and some friends where they asked me to think about getting engaged before i stay away from Pakistan for the next 5 years atleast.

Literally felt ambushed and was the last thing i needed given the struggles of the last 2 years. Their point of view was that your 26 years old and its the right age, plus living in the west is going to be very very lonely for someone like me and felt taking such a step would bring about much needed mental stability to me apparently.

My initial reaction was hell no and later on i did think deep and hard about it, i didnt just think emotionally but also rationally based on my current circumstances, the fact i am going to be in another country for atleast 5 years before i can think of making a trip back to Pakistan and ofcourse the fact i dont feel ready. Anyways bottomline i said il think about it 4-6 years later maybe but not now as i have to focus on other things right now, want to get more life experience and that i dont feel mature enough yet etc. Folks are helpless as they cant force me besides they havent found a family yet in any case.

But man did they try all the tricks up their sleeves to get me to agree. "It will help give you much needed stability", "You feel your not really ready yet but you never know, even you cant tell right now whether it will be good or bad for you", "Its very difficult for a 30-32 year old guy to get married in an arranged marriage", "A potentially large age difference b/w guy and girl is not good", "Its wrong to disobey the wishes of parents", "It will help you get mentally settled while your in Canada" etc.

But i didnt budge and stuck to my stance "Not yet, i have a lot to learn, have to focus on getting my studies out of the way, getting a decent job with decent career growth prospects and il think about this 4-6 years later".

My question is that is a an age difference of 5,6,7 or even 8 years very risky for marriage? Is it actually impossible for a 30-32 year old guy to get married (arranged marriage)? I know of 6 people who got married to 22-24 year old brides when they were 30-33 years old so i cant really understand the negative opinions of some people i have spoken too.

Anyways this is what the thread is about. Age differences in marriage and the possibility of a 5-8 year age gap between the guy and girl translating into a successful marriage? Does anyone know of successful marriages where huge age differences were present? And last ofcourse whether a 30-32 year old guy can actually get married in an arranged marriage?

man u are 30 year old and want to wait another 5 years to get married ???? are you serious ...
think about it how hard it will be for you to support another person ...
age is major factor will be for you if you get married after 5 years trust me...
35-40 is old age man ..
get married asap ...
it takes freaking 2 and half years to bring a spouse from pakistan ..f@@@@@ canadian govemrent
so if u want to bring wife back to canada once you get married in your 40's ..u will be 42-43 ..

 

[kkmix]

all i will say is this, when ever you think you are ready (you say u r 26 now) so say u think you will be ready to get married at 33, i say get married when u r 29-31 because it will take 2-3 years for your sponsorship process (if u get married to a girl in pakistan)... that way by the time she can be with you you will be 33 or almost 33... take this hint strongly and one day you will thank me for it... so yea, dont wait till 33 coz then she will be there when u r 35 or 36 lolz...

) soo true ... know few people who are waiting for their wives to arrive to Canada. In some cases, it's been up to 3 years. Pretty bad. good advise baalti.

 

[baalti]

man u are 30 year old and want to wait another 5 years to get married ???? are you serious ...
think about it how hard it will be for you to support another person ...
age is major factor will be for you if you get married after 5 years trust me...
35-40 is old age man ..
get married asap ...
it takes freaking 2 and half years to bring a spouse from pakistan ..f@@@@@ canadian govemrent
so if u want to bring wife back to canada once you get married in your 40's ..u will be 42-43 ..

inna ghussa vi changa nahin honda, he is only 26 right now

 

[baalti]

) soo true ... know few people who are waiting for their wives to arrive to Canada. In some cases, it's been up to 3 years. Pretty bad. And good advice baalti.

i dunno why it take 2-3 years for Pak, when categorically Indians are known to fake weddings or do it through illegal means, yet their process is done within 4-12 months... Also, as retarded as it is, the people that do it illegally get here faster than the poor folks that do things legitimately... what a shame...

 

[kkmix]

i dunno why it take 2-3 years for Pak, when categorically Indians are known to fake weddings or do it through illegal means, yet their process is done within 4-12 months... Also, as retarded as it is, the people that do it illegally get here faster than the poor folks that do things legitimately... what a shame...

True ... So do Afghanis ... I know 2 girls in uni who got "married" and were "divorced" after the husband landed in Canada. And we know what that was all about. These are the people that make it hard for us honest bunch.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

half your age + 7 is the equation for a good wife.

 

[baalti]

half your age + 7 is the equation for a good wife.

it depends on the individuals, however if you have crap loads of $$$ it don't matter in now a days world you will be fine... give the wife enough money to keep her mouth zipped, and live prosperously

 

[Ranvir]

Get a younger wife, she will look prettier for longer

 

[Sabali]

You will regret marrying too old bro. If u get married older it becomes more difficult to find a suitable partner afterall girls also want a man with his own teeth and hair . Why not find a Canadian (desi if that id ur preference) girls. Then u can get have best of both worlds an educated girl (who, if she is working) can support u whilst u complete your studies or find suitable employment. Then once your on ya feet can plan a family and your Mrs can stay at home whilst u work. Also u will get a green card or whatever Canadian equivalent is!

Bro if u leave it late god forbid if u have difficulties conceiving it will stress u out and u defo dont want the childrens friends to think you are their grandad

 

[Bhaijaan]

That's an issue.

Just yesterday my ex girlfriend showed me the pics and biodata of the 30 year old uncle her father wants her to marry, she's just 21. We laughed so hard at his bio
Not really cool to have a great age difference unless the two love each other.

 

[ninjafirstslip]

^^ the pakistani man's dream right there

 

[kkmix]

half your age + 7 is the equation for a good wife.

12 / 2 = 6 +7 = 13?

 

[iHammad]

12 / 2 = 6 +7 = 13?

Who gets married at 12 though?

 

[ninjafirstslip]

That's an issue.

Just yesterday my ex girlfriend showed me the pics and biodata of the 30 year old uncle her father wants her to marry, she's just 21. We laughed so hard at his bio
Not really cool to have a great age difference unless the two love each other.

ladhki badri anjani hai :sharukh

Why is she still hanging with you
Does FC do overtime for free?:khalil

 

[Bhaijaan]

ladhki badri anjani hai :sharukh

Why is she still hanging with you
Does FC do overtime for free?:khalil

I needed time and she just didn't have any. The same old story of the youngster beauty boys from middle class families It all makes sense now, why our batch mate women go away from us and we have to prey on our juniors

We're in touch though and are currently 'epic friends' the theory of mine that i'm putting to good use with women that are in between, LOL
But i have started to believe there is nothing like unmarried epic friends and that men-women are not supposed to be just friends.

Sucks but anyway.

 

[ali85]

Savak,

I am same age as you. My folks and myself have been looking for a girl for past 8 months or so. I believe times have changed a lot. Girls in early 20s aren't interested in 25+

And to top it off, it seems 90% of girls 24+ are engaged/married.
I find that girls in early 20s don't want to rush into commitment and are very serious about their education/career.

It has been an eye opener for me and deep down I wish I had gotten at least engaged at 23/24. So for your question,

These days it seems 5 year age gap is pushing it. Don't waste time, get married. Your maturity and learning can keep taking place.

 

[Justcrazy]

too many threads about marriages these days.....

 

[LethalSami]

Savak, i think u just got another "Dilemma"

someone bump that epic thread

 

[Desire]

there is no hard and fast rule for it

 

[UP]

Why is it important to get married?

Besides you know what I'm talking about

 

[Looney]

Who gets married at 12 though?

http://tribune.com.pk/story/78896/child-marriages-keeping-it-all-in-the-family/

KARACHI: An alarmingly high number of child marriages in Pakistan take place in Sindh, with one major reason being that Sindhis prefer to keep to their own clan.

According to most families, one of the biggest reasons for child marriages is the system of exchange marriages or watta satta. Some families revealed that they are not allowed to marry outside their own families, so young boys and girls are forced to get married to older people. A few of the families revealed that they are compelled to marry off their young girls to very old men in exchange for money due to poverty.

Due to a lack of education and recreational facilities, elders also arrange the marriages of their boys at very young ages, hoping that this will keep them away from drugs and crime and bring them closer to family responsibilities.

 

[Tera Gawaandi]

More than age difference, you should consider other factors also, its all about understanding. In my case (arranged marriage), our hobbies dont match at all. My wife is Libran women who loves to interact with people. Whereas me Scorpion male is bit conservative and shy. She hates me every time I sit in front of PC. Difference of opinion continues to food, dress, family functions, friends circle, exercise, haircut, TV, sports!!!!! Sometimes I do feel my life is ruined and I'm responsible for her sadness too. Before marrying anyone please try to know her better. Iif you are not happy mentally then it will surely impact your desire and ability to show affection. Trust me these small small things have led to my parents illness, my dad is heart patient now whereas mom is depressed. We have also applied for Canada Federal visa and expected to land in Vancouver in approx 6 months. I dont know what will happen to marriage once we are away from parents. Btw we both are religious, modern trends have no role in our relationship decline, it seems we are not made for each other.

 

[Phool]

more than age difference, you should consider other factors also, its all about understanding. In my case (arranged marriage), our hobbies dont match at all. My wife is libran women who loves to interact with people. Whereas me scorpion male is bit conservative and shy. She hates me every time i sit in front of pc. Difference of opinion continues to food, dress, family functions, friends circle, exercise, haircut, tv, sports!!!!! Sometimes i do feel my life is ruined and i'm responsible for her sadness too. Before marrying anyone please try to know her better. Iif you are not happy mentally then it will surely impact your desire and ability to show affection. Trust me these small small things have led to my parents illness, my dad is heart patient now whereas mom is depressed. We have also applied for canada federal visa and expected to land in vancouver in approx 6 months. I dont know what will happen to marriage once we are away from parents. Btw we both are religious, modern trends have no role in our relationship decline, it seems we are not made for each other.

well said.

 

[Fawad]

half your age + 7 is the equation for a good wife.

Isn't that what Elijah Muhammad/NOI believe?

 

[Savak]

I know this doesn't apply to everyone but after growing up in America and then spending years in Pakistan, I found that Pakistani guys for the most part do not know how to handle themselves when it comes to relationships.

It's our culture, and maybe the general lack of social interaction that many guys have with girls. The big problem is that guys in our culture know they have an option when all else fails. They realize that even if they never speak to a girl, one day their parents will sit them down and present girls to them. It's ****ed up, but it's true.

For example. My 34 year old cousin who lives and works here visited Pakistan a few years ago. His father blind sided him with a marriage proposal. He completely rejected the idea, but decided to meet the girl as a favor to his father. The girl was 19 at the time. He took one look at her and said yes. No problems, no issues and four years later they have two daughters.

That's fine, but I don't think I could handle having that much of an age gap between me and a girl I would want to marry. You can't relate to someone when there is a generation gap. Not to say that you can't be happy, but I don't think it's ideal.

A lot of guys are willing to take that way out because it's the easy way out. Can't really blame them. We all want to find the perfect girl and fall in love and get married. That's the fantasy and maybe that's not for everyone but knowing that you have a way out stops people from trying.

Having the balls to try is a big deal. Even if things don't work out and even if you get rejected, you will be infinitely stronger because of it. Yeah, it's cliche, but it's true. Besides, the most important thing to understand is that if someone is willing to hurt you or not put the same amount of effort and care into a relationship, they arent worth your time. The biggest mistake people make is thinking that they will change someone into loving them.

I can tell you from personal experience that it really does help in the long run if you get your heart ripped out. It makes you so much smarter and sharper and trust me, you're better off. At least you tried and that is so much more than most guys in our society can say. it's easy when waiting for mommy to find you a girl is an option.
Reply With Quote

A quote i found from another forum. Pretty much agree with it.

 

[Justcrazy]

I do not think age difference matters..... If you have love and respect it trans-cedes beyond all minor things. Trust me

Love is more important than happiness.

 

[qamar84]

dude i am 28 my wife 24 .

4and half year of gap but still noproblem at all between us already maried since 4 yers now a kid + arrange mariage ..

if you understand each others and " RESPECT" each others then no problem

my wife like to talk and i am more a serious guy like to stay quiet so generally she talk i listen on the starting of our wedding that use to annoy me but now if she didn't talk too much then i get bored...

 

[SIMBA]

my wife like to talk and i am more a serious guy like to stay quiet so generally "she talk i listen" on the starting of our wedding that use to annoy me but now if she didn't talk too much then i get bored...

That is why your marriage is succesful..good man

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Isn't that what Elijah Muhammad/NOI believe?

yeh thats where I got it from

 

[Yossarian]

You're all talking about age difference and how it will affect how old you will be when your kids are born, grandchildren are born, or whether you'll be on a good salary by then, etc.etc.

Have'nt you overlooked something vital when considering how old you'll be versus how much younger your potential wife should be ?

How about someone relatively closer to your own age, a career of her own, and having similar interests in music, culture, the arts, politics and such like ?
Somebody that you can communicate with on an equal footing, have discussions with and share common interests with ?
ie some of the vital ingredients that are neccessary to form a joint and equal life long partnership, the mainstay of a happy, successful, loving and long lasting marriage.

The way some of you are going on about age differences (not that age gaps cannot also incorporate some of the ingedients mentioned above), it would appear when you do eventually get married, the lucky wife will simply be someone to bear your children, look after your house and look good on your arm when you go out !

Age difference should be something that happens, when it happens, if it happens, and not something as a prime condition for choosing a potential life partner.

 

[kingusama92]

^

I concur.

The emphasis on age difference is merely objectifying your future wife. You are not purchasing a car here!

There are many factors that should come into play when you are getting married. It seems kind of silly to give so much importance to age. Sure, it does hold some importance, but not enough to becoming the basis of one's outlook towards marriage.

 

[sada90]

inna ghussa vi changa nahin honda, he is only 26 right now

mein ne ghussa is te nahi ...
is canadian goverment ke hai ....
is canadian govt ke......................aise ki tesi

i just got married
ab 2 sal wait.....
its hard

 

[Garuda]

My two cents on marriage in subcontinent

First of all, I learnt the lesson from my experience that you should marry when you feel you want to marry to start a family.

Not because your age is this or your family wants this or your age difference will be this. Believe me those things doesn't matter after 2 months of your marriage. After couple of months it's you and your wife who has to chew it for rest of your life. You won't be looking at age difference then nor anyone would bother about you.

I think go for someone who clicks with you than doing a product compare. There is no perfect age for marriage as I learnt. It's when you are ready after you are an adult.

 

[qamar84]

That is why your marriage is succesful..good man

thanks bro but ruin the compliment by putting the face of mirza

 

[Down2Earth]

i don't mind getting married to a 19 year old when i'm 30, neither should you

and it's not impossible nvir

 

[DW44]

I'm in a vaguely similar situation myself OP. My mother has been on my case for about six months now and in her own capacity, she has been looking for suitable matches for me(latest reports suggest that she has already found five or six). For me, as someone who doesn't even turn 23 for another five months, that is unacceptable. We've already had several heated arguments over it(we have a lot of those over almost every ideological issue) where the stereotypical Pakistani-mom-dealing-with-stubborn-son-over-marriage-prospects drama ensues. I finally had enough and told her that if she tries to pull off a Pakistani-mom on me, I'm leaving home and not coming back.

I personally think that arranged marriages are a sickening indictment of our society's twisted values and by far the worst aspect of Indian culture that we inherited. How can you marry off two people (with or without their consent) who have never known each other, may or may not be compatible with each other emotionally and psychologically and may have completely different ideals and moral values.

 

[ninjafirstslip]

I'm in a vaguely similar situation myself OP. My mother has been on my case for about six months now and in her own capacity, she has been looking for suitable matches for me(latest reports suggest that she has already found five or six). For me, as someone who doesn't even turn 23 for another five months, that is unacceptable. We've already had several heated arguments over it(we have a lot of those over almost every ideological issue) where the stereotypical Pakistani-mom-dealing-with-stubborn-son-over-marriage-prospects drama ensues. I finally had enough and told her that if she tries to pull off a Pakistani-mom on me, I'm leaving home and not coming back.

I personally think that arranged marriages are a sickening indictment of our society's twisted values and by far the worst aspect of Indian culture that we inherited. How can you marry off two people (with or without their consent) who have never known each other, may or may not be compatible with each other emotionally and psychologically and may have completely different ideals and moral values.

Do you mean consent under emotional duress?

 

[Pahari]

..I personally think that arranged marriages are a sickening indictment of our society's twisted values and by far the worst aspect of Indian culture that we inherited..

you are pathan, right?

 

[DW44]

Do you mean consent under emotional duress?

Occasionally but not necessarily. There's a lot of goody two shoes/mommy's little boy types(Pappu bachas in Islamabad and Rawalpindi/Mummy-Daddy in Lahore and Rawalpindi/Tomyaan[Tommies] in Peshawar/Burgers in Karachi) who're too inept to find someone themselves so they let their families pick someone. There are other categories of idiots too who consent to it off their own accord but I'm not going to go into any details.

 

[Legal Eye]

I feel for people stuck in the issue, I really do.

It comes down to closed minded parenting and it is actually a very insecure way of parenting. It is the parent openly admitting they did such a bad job bringing their kids up, they fear they will get up to X, Y and Z so best get them married.

In terms of the age gap, anything more than a few years I think is too much in the case where a man is 30 and the girl is 25 or under. People should marry people with similar life experiences.

 

[Pahari]

whilst at uni i had a housemate from london (ghanaese background) who had a girlfriend (jalandhar background). he once asked me about arranged marriages and the words from the conversation i remember to this day in verbatim were, 'you lucky basta**s'

 

[Tapori]

^ True say. Same response from many non-asians!

A friend of mine was getting ripped about Arranged marriages - pointing to a rather portly rotund Asian friend, he countered with an admittedly Misogynistic view that:

"Look at that fat mess; He'll still end up with a relatively stunning wife - What about Geeky Dave (non-asian lad)?

I propose the 4 Islamic Marriages are deigned to upgrade your Mrs. every 10-15 years...

So when I'm 60 , it's a nubile 20+ year old for me...

But if some old perv, tried that with one of the ladies from my family, I'd kill him!

Gotta make the most of that British Passport....

 

[Tapori]

On a serious point, I used to be hung up about age differences, but truly if it's a long lasting-marriage in a non-patriarchal society, you have to be on a relatively same level.

That might be vague, but you fall in love/Become good friends/partners with a person not their age; above the age of consent of course!

Yes it's more than likely that you'll have more in common with someone who's around (+ - 3-5 years) as you'll have lived through the same eras, but generally you could strike up an enduring rapport with someone outside of these general scopes.

 

[Tapori]

I do shudder when I think what many young women in Pakistan and ladies in Victorian England (Read Dickens, Brontes and Austen) not to mention our Parents/Grand parents generation had to put up with...

 

[AnotherIndian]

I'm in a vaguely similar situation myself OP. My mother has been on my case for about six months now and in her own capacity, she has been looking for suitable matches for me(latest reports suggest that she has already found five or six). For me, as someone who doesn't even turn 23 for another five months, that is unacceptable. We've already had several heated arguments over it(we have a lot of those over almost every ideological issue) where the stereotypical Pakistani-mom-dealing-with-stubborn-son-over-marriage-prospects drama ensues. I finally had enough and told her that if she tries to pull off a Pakistani-mom on me, I'm leaving home and not coming back.

I personally think that arranged marriages are a sickening indictment of our society's twisted values and by far the worst aspect of Indian culture that we inherited. How can you marry off two people (with or without their consent) who have never known each other, may or may not be compatible with each other emotionally and psychologically and may have completely different ideals and moral values.

What about Arabs? Do they still date before they get married?

 

[Liberty]

I personally think that arranged marriages are a sickening indictment of our society's twisted values and by far the worst aspect of Indian culture that we inherited..

You seriously are thick as a plank of wood.

 

[Tapori]

I personally think that arranged marriages are a sickening indictment of our society's twisted values and by far the worst aspect of Indian culture that we inherited..

It's also part of Arab culture and how many Royal Families in Europe have married, not to mention British and European Aristocracy...
-

Think of your dream girl.

Now what if it just so happened that your parents arranged for you to meet said girl?

Would you say no?

Arranged isn't the same as forced/ emotional blackmailed...

 

[Liberty]

LOL "we" inherited this culture. LOL

Not sure if trolling or serious.

 

[DeadlyVenom]

Asian culture seems to overvalue and devalue marriage at the same time. Its amazing.

 

[gameovais]

Why do people want young girls to marry old men. I got a cousin who's 23 and now ready for marriage, we will not even consider anyone over 25, thankfully my uncle isn't one of those guys who'll let his daughter marry someone in his 30s.

Arranged marriages are wonderful, unfortunately it's just people are too fussy or do not take the advice of their elders.

As for the OPs comment he's not ready, my friend was 16 at the time, he wasn't ready, but now he's 25 and says he cannot thank his parents enough for getting him married at a young age.

 

[murphyslaw79]

Buddy i know it is a difficult position.

I know enough ppl who got married when they were between 30 and 32 and the age difference between them and their wife was ranging from 8 to 12 years.

Thankfully they have all had successful marriages.

Close examples are my wife's sister who was 18 and her husband was 30 when they got married. Their marriage is mashalla very strong and they get on really well.

If you don't think you are ready, then don't get married, as it will not be fair on you or the girl. I am assuming your parents want you to get married to someone in Pakistan who is going to be move with you to Canada. If that is the case it will be even harder for the girl, as she will know no one there.

Getting married at 30-32 is perfectly acceptable and what will play in your advantage is that inshalla you will be well established by then. Trust me, being in a stable financial position helps alot towards a stress free and successful marriage.

Not saying those that get married early before they have established themselves do not have successful marriages, but if you can take the financial strain out of the equation then it is easier.

Also you are still young, so enjoy yourself (obviously in a halal manner, before everyone jumps on me) and you will know when you are ready.

Good luck

 

[gameovais]

Do any of these selfish families and selfish men every consider what the girl's want? Do you really think a 22-24yr old girl wants to marry a guy over 30? Most don't, but unfortunately such is the culture in Pakistan, no one will bother to ask the girls, they'll almost give her no choice in the matter.

 

[Tapori]

gameovais

Whilst I agree with you in part about patriarchy, what evidence do you have to suggest most women in their 20's wouldn't want to marry a man in their 30's out of choice?

Keep an open mind... I'm sure many 20 somethings wouldn't say no to men who look like say, Arjun Rampal, Akshay Kumar and so on and so forth, just because "They're over 30"

Most don't, but unfortunately such is the culture in Pakistan, no one will bother to ask the girls, they'll almost give her no choice in the matter.

That's the issue

Most Don't

Disagree; In 20+F with 30+ M, marriages in Pak many are indeed terribly mis-matched, but it's not the age of the man, it's the pressure on the lady from parents/family/society that prevents much of her own desires/thoughts/feelings being taken into consideration.

I know you don't want seedy obese scumbags who've had their fun, later hooking up with some spritely 20 something for marriage; That's not really an age issue, more it's the issue of choice and freedom in a largely conservative, victorian-esque patriarchal society in which many lower/lower-middle/middle class people find themselves in.

 

[Tapori]

Asian culture seems to overvalue and devalue marriage at the same time. Its amazing.

Aptly put

 

[Savak]

Why do people want young girls to marry old men. I got a cousin who's 23 and now ready for marriage, we will not even consider anyone over 25, thankfully my uncle isn't one of those guys who'll let his daughter marry someone in his 30s.

Arranged marriages are wonderful, unfortunately it's just people are too fussy or do not take the advice of their elders.

As for the OPs comment he's not ready, my friend was 16 at the time, he wasn't ready, but now he's 25 and says he cannot thank his parents enough for getting him married at a young age.

Married at 16 is like pushing it. Its all about what one is comfortable with. I personally dont think its wise for a person to enter into a legal relationship with another person if he is thinking about another girl and doesnt really feel comfortable or too good about himself.

 

[Savak]

My Line Manager who is 36 years old is married to a 24 year old. His viewpoint is that none of it matters if both put in the efforts to make it work. Sure there will be challenges, literally a generation gap but if both constantly work at it it will work. Apparently he delayed his marriage because he wanted his younger sisters married off first.

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

Was 23 when i got married.Been 2 yrs and alhimdilluah couldn't have been happier.
edit : but i got lucky to have such a wonderful person as my wife, others may not be that lucky

 

[Fireworks11]

Don't delay marriage. Be bold, the best ones get taken early.

 

[Tapori]

^

 

[Jadz]

For Muslims age ought to be entirely irrelevant. According to the historians, the Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) wife, Khadijah (rda) was between 15 to 20 years older than him. She is distinguished by being his most beloved wife and the first Muslim.

Muslims of more recent times are as obsessed with age and appearance as other communities and societies. Not only are they unwilling to marry women older than themselves, they are also unwilling to marry women from poorer backgrounds, widows and divorcees. Although there is a difference in attitude with those from Arabia and those from the sub-Continent. Arabs are less concerned with age or background and marital status - ie., whether poor, widowed or divorced.

Generally speaking - and apologies for going off-topic - Muslims do not make the sacrifices of the kind their illustrious forbears were famous for. Such as caring for their elderly parents - which, after the prohibition on idolatory, is the principle command from Allah SWT - or orphans or the needy, and so on.

Allahu 'Alam

 

[Savak]

Don't delay marriage. Be bold, the best ones get taken early.

Have heard this phrase repeatedly from people "Best ones taken early". Someone must explain this in detail.

 

[Liberty]

^Dont know tbqh. I think he is trying to say the best ones get kidnapped early or something. Not sure either.