Age difference in marriages in our culture (esp arranged marriages)

[gameovais]

Have heard this phrase repeatedly from people "Best ones taken early". Someone must explain this in detail.

It's a senseless statement, it should be rephrased to saying, as you get older the crapper and crapper your potentials become. The younger you are, the better your chances of a decent proposal.

 

[Savak]

It's a senseless statement, it should be rephrased to saying, as you get older the crapper and crapper your potentials become. The younger you are, the better your chances of a decent proposal.

Is there an agreed upon definition for a decent proposal? I refuse to believe that parents will refuse to marry their daughter of to a person who is 30-33 years old, extremely well established, well maintained, mature as compared to a 25-26 year old guy just getting out of college and at the start of his professional career?

Most of the guys i know who ended up marrying b/w 30-33+ ended up getting married to girls b/w 22-24 years old. Cant say they didnt get decent proposals, my own uncle is an example and she is probably the best thing to have happened to him.

 

[Fallen King]

For Muslims age ought to be entirely irrelevant. According to the historians, the Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) wife, Khadijah (rda) was between 15 to 20 years older than him. She is distinguished by being his most beloved wife and the first Muslim.

Muslims of more recent times are as obsessed with age and appearance as other communities and societies. Not only are they unwilling to marry women older than themselves, they are also unwilling to marry women from poorer backgrounds, widows and divorcees. Although there is a difference in attitude with those from Arabia and those from the sub-Continent. Arabs are less concerned with age or background and marital status - ie., whether poor, widowed or divorced.

Generally speaking - and apologies for going off-topic - Muslims do not make the sacrifices of the kind their illustrious forbears were famous for. Such as caring for their elderly parents - which, after the prohibition on idolatory, is the principle command from Allah SWT - or orphans or the needy, and so on.

Allahu 'Alam

Assalamu Alaikum, Sister!

Beautifully Said, Sister!

Perhaps, it has to do with Arab having Multiple wives, and therefore, the conditions of women background are hardly considered important, but in everywhere where even in Muslim nation like Pakistan, where one man usually get the great amount of ridicule for wanting to have more than 1 wife, and therefore, most choose to marry one wife, and therefore, the background become more important for them. This is where i have problem with.

Muslim women population are thrice than men population. Therefore, i encourage men to have more than 3 to 4 wives if husband can afford to look after them. Therefore, the background doesn't become important at all.

 

[gameovais]

Is there an agreed upon definition for a decent proposal? I refuse to believe that parents will refuse to marry their daughter of to a person who is 30-33 years old, extremely well established, well maintained, mature as compared to a 25-26 year old guy just getting out of college and at the start of his professional career?

Most of the guys i know who ended up marrying b/w 30-33+ ended up getting married to girls b/w 22-24 years old. Cant say they didnt get decent proposals, my own uncle is an example and she is probably the best thing to have happened to him.

That may be the case, but I'm seeing more and more families now actually realising their daughters want a younger husband. You say most of the guys you know who marry at 30-33 end up with 22-24 yr olds, but did those girls really, I mean REALLY want to marry a guy so much older?

Most of the guys I know married when they were 25 and had £0 or -£ in their balance, but are happily married.

Too many excuses and too many people dodging marriage at a young age, something which in my opinion is not healthy. Islam encourages young marriage, sadly it's not the norm anymore.

 

[gameovais]

Muslim women population are thrice than men population. Therefore, i encourage men to have more than 3 to 4 wives if husband can afford to look after them. Therefore, the background doesn't become important at all.

Is it a case of men not wanting to marrying more than one woman or modern women not being as prepared to practise polygamy?

 

[Fireworks11]

Have heard this phrase repeatedly from people "Best ones taken early". Someone must explain this in detail.

Quite a generic phrase, yes. Of course, the definition of 'best' is entirely subjective when it comes to marriage. In this instance, it referred to 'gorgeous / handsome' and yes, they tend to get married at a reasonably young age, i.e by mid 20s.

 

[Pakhtoon_Rules]

so when are you getting married fw?

 

[RainDrop]

^ Why are you asking???

So arrogant

 

[akheR]

Muslim women population are thrice than men population. Therefore, i encourage men to have more than 3 to 4 wives if husband can afford to look after them. Therefore, the background doesn't become important at all.

If you could only marry pious women but who are, say, 20 years older than you (don't know your age) and not that great looking, would you do it ? Don't you think that some here use Islam just to keep their phantasms alive ? Because by 4 wives, I'm sure that the majority means a beautiful girl of half of their age.

Not even talking about the fact that some interpretations of Islam in fact refute any idea of polygamy, but that's not the debate.

 

[Pakhtoon_Rules]

^ Why are you asking???

So arrogant

oh not again

this is 5th now in last two day

IAM NOT ARROGANT.

 

[Fireworks11]

so when are you getting married fw?

12th October 2012 - Friday night.

 

[Pakhtoon_Rules]

12th October 2012 - Friday night.

all the best

 

[Fallen King]

If you could only marry pious women but who are, say, 20 years older than you (don't know your age) and not that great looking, would you do it ? Don't you think that some here use Islam just to keep their phantasms alive ? Because by 4 wives, I'm sure that the majority means a beautiful girl of half of their age.

Not even talking about the fact that some interpretations of Islam in fact refute any idea of polygamy, but that's not the debate.

If people have option of multiple wives, then they wouldn't be worried about the future. The problem is when one person is given one option, and therefore, that person is forced to opt for future.

Marry younger girl for future, marry older woman for present for many reasons. It's win win for both. Sometimes, It's better for them to marry the honest married man than dishonest non married man. Nevertheless, women population are in rapid increase, thrice than men population barring in India.

Anyhow, take an example of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), and how successfully his married life was, Alhamdulillah!

Is it a case of men not wanting to marrying more than one woman or modern women not being as prepared to practise polygamy?

That doesn't make sense considering the threesome/foursome...etc, which encourages illegal relationship (not married relationship) which is totally norm in developed Non Muslim nations now. If anything, even today generation of girls are grown more accustomed to the mindset of what a certain industry promotes nowadays. This is just beginning, and pretty soon, it will prevalent all over the place in the future, Allahu Alim!

Therefore, it's better to get married to legalize the relationship in the eyes of Allaah (SWT).

 

[gameovais]

Maybe you didn't understand what I said.

I said it's not men that will have an issue, it's modern Muslim women are not prepared to practise Polygamy in the same way Muslim women in the 7th/8th century.

Also in the west to actually legalise it according to national, not Islamic law, is impossible.

 

[Fallen King]

Maybe you didn't understand what I said.

I said it's not men that will have an issue, it's modern Muslim women are not prepared to practise Polygamy in the same way Muslim women in the 7th/8th century.

Also in the west to actually legalise it according to national, not Islamic law, is impossible.

Actually, i did. The only different is that one party is married, and other party isn't. That's the only difference. Just because West doesn't legalize multiple marriages, that doesn't mean this kind of relationship doesn't exist. It exists and especially among the Non Muslim population as not married status.

Women shouldn't have problem with legalizing this because they are involved in this kind of affair in the first place, and prevalent from all over the world now.

 

[AlphaFighter]

It's interesting observation. All my friends and batch mates from university who married 5-6 years ago after graduation and just starting their Professional careers, it's been 5-6 years, they are happily married but none of them have kids. Almost most people I have spoken to tell me they don't have any such immediate plans to start families any time soon in the next 2-3 years atleast.

So my question is what did these guys achieve by marrying so soon at 23-24 when they are 30 now and still without kids and with no plans of starting a family immediately.

I wonder if this is a recent trend. Anyways I always use this argument to my parents who always put pressure on me to marry the first person they choose while I am like hold on, I deserve better options.

Sent from my SM-G925W8 using Tapatalk

 

[CricketCartoons]

It's interesting observation. All my friends and batch mates from university who married 5-6 years ago after graduation and just starting their Professional careers, it's been 5-6 years, they are happily married but none of them have kids. Almost most people I have spoken to tell me they don't have any such immediate plans to start families any time soon in the next 2-3 years atleast.

So my question is what did these guys achieve by marrying so soon at 23-24 when they are 30 now and still without kids and with no plans of starting a family immediately.

If you think having kids is the major achievement of marriage, then didnt achieve anything. Otherwise they have lived and grown as a couple for 5-6 years. 5-6 marriage anniversaries and 5-6 years worth of memories. In my book, they have achieved a lot.

 

[endymion248]

If you think having kids is the major achievement of marriage, then didnt achieve anything. Otherwise they have lived and grown as a couple for 5-6 years. 5-6 marriage anniversaries and 5-6 years worth of memories. In my book, they have achieved a lot.

They are just 5-6 years closer to hating eachother than other people.

 

[ExplicitAI]

I personally don't give a crap about our culture in regards to marriage. I wouldn't listen to my parent's wishes on who they want me to marry. I'd rather marry a non-pakistani girl mainly due to me wanting to experience different cultures. And yeah age difference is a BIG thing. Can't be marrying someone who is like 5 years younger than you, but that's just me.

 

[AlphaFighter]

I just turned 30 this year and its been almost 8 months since i got my first job in Canada. And Boy all of a sudden my parents have started panicing like crazy.

My parents are first cousins and the resulting consequence has been that me and my baby sister have ended up suffering from dyslexia which has been a huge problem for us given how much we have to struggle and work hard to succeed in achieving half of the things which most bright, talented indivuduals are able to achieve so easily in such a ruthless competitive world that exists today.

But now after a life time of preaching to me about being extremely against first cousin marriages since they are both doctors and also given that they have witnessed the many disasterous medical consequences the kids have had to pay in the family for e.g. another chacha and khala of mine who are first cousins also got married but the really sad part is that their youngest son is severely autistic while the other son had some learning difficulties. But my folks absolutely ambushed me a few months ago when they asked me to seriously consider getting married to a 20 year old first cousin of mine. This 20 year old first cousin of mine is pretty decent looking, people will definately say i have scored if i were to say yes and loads of families have been trying to woo her parents, my mom was like if i say yes, i will definately get her being her first cousin.

But sadly i cannot say yes to this because of the simple fact she is my first cousin and i cannot ignore that. My parents especially my mother have been extremely dissapointed by my decision and still rub it in every time, think about, think about, you are making a big mistake.

The second girl they recommended, they showed me her photo and they started preaching she comes from a very nice family, very nice, sweet, humble girl. All of this is fine but the problem was that i just didn't feel attracted to her at all. And the way my parent's recommended her to me didn't inspire with any hope at all, it was if just take her because she is available.

I have been in Canada for a while now and i have been shocked to find out the number of Desi girls in my family who are in their late 20's, early 30's who have been born, raised over here or who came later on to live over here but the fact that they are average looking, not well maintained and also the fact they come from very conservative families, they have just found it very hard to get rishta's and seeing the body language, attitude of some of their parents, they are so desperate to find a guy for their struggling daughters that it shows when they are desperately willing to hitch their daughters with guys without even going into their backgrounds, knowing and willing to make the effort to know more about them in detail e.t.c. I have had this experience twice with random strangers ever in Toronto and recently in Calgary, where i accidently let out that i was still single and all of a sudden the 50 year old plus uncle immediately pounced on me "What do you do for a living? Where do your parents live? I know 1-2 girls in my family? Do your parents plan to visit you? Where do you live? Give me your phone number etc" and i was like "Woah dude, take it easy now".

There are some people like that in my extended and distant family here in Canada and there are seeing me as an easy Bakra for their struggling daughters. Literally this gang is so ruthless, self serving, the amount of whispering they do in my parent's ears "Your son is 30 years old, he is aging out, he is not going to get a good young bride now, the sponsorship process from Pakistan will take 5 long years e.t.c.". The last straw for me was when my own phuppo acting on behalf of her husband, recommended a fat 30 year old girl to my mother. Even she has humiliated me in public at times when she has openly mocked and made comments "The best ones get taken early blah blah".

It's a hard question whenever people and my folks ask me what kind of girl i want. I know for a fact in life it is hard to get the complete package where the girl is attractive, decently educated, is modern enough to be praised for being a catch, is mature and intelligent, has house wife qualities where she adjusts to her new family and is also willing to work because times have changed now as in order to lead a comfortable life both spouses have to be working. I know i will have to give and take on some things for sure.

My folks on the other hand have imposed their own conditions. They are like the girl has to be from Pakistan only, they will not accept a girl from the US/Canada but the problem with that is the spousal sponsorship process is taking 4-5 years now but the keep insisting they have a way around it where if they bring her on a student visa over here and if i end up legally marrying her here, she will become a Canadian PR. Then they have a few ethnic conditions i.e. the girl cannot be from an Urdu speaking family and the girl has to be preferrably Punjabi. They also only want to look for girls within the family and are very hessitant to look outside the family.

On my part, i have told my folks that i am open to girls both in Pakistan and in US/Canada and they should broaden their horizons. I have told them that i am ok with girls both in the family (provided she is not a first cousin) and outside the family as well. I have also told them that i acknowledge that it will ofcourse not be easy to find the perfect package and if the girl is still studying and will need to study further in Canada to improve her chances of getting a decent job here, i will support her to the best of my abilities.

I told my folks if they are stubbornly insisting on a Pakistani girl then they will have to find someone young who is studying in university as it will be easier for her to wait through this sponsorship process.

In return all my distant relatives here and now even my parents are accussing me of being in decisive, of being shallow for rejecting a girl based on looks. What hypocricy is this in this world where its perfectly cool for millions of girls to reject guys on the basis of looks but when a guy does it he is a jerk?

I told my folks point blank that i can compromise and adjust on some things but if i consider myself to be a 7/10 or 7.5/10 then there is no way in hell that i am going to be short handed and settle for someone less than that or way less than that. If i dont feel a buzz or attraction then i am not going to ruin the poor girls life unnecessarily.

Lol at the pressure and shaming tactics of my father "I was a father at your age". And then my folks try other things "A large age gap between the wife and a husband is not good" where i countered "hello didn't you just suggest my 20 year old first cousin to who is 10 years younger to me a few months ago"?

And then they counter "Why are you refusing to get married?" and i respond "Why are you people saying why am i refusing to get married? How am i refusing to get married? You find me a decent looking match and i will say yes"

Then my parents ask me if there is a girl i like. And i responded on a girl whose families we both know "Well i won't say i really like this one particular girl or that i will go out on a limb for her, but i find her the most cute looking one so far but i am not sure if she is planning to pursue studies in a good field" and my mother counters" Nope they are too nakhray type people, plus the girl even though is good looking is not planning to pursue studies in a major decent respectable field either"

Bottom line no win situation. I just wanted to vent and see if there is anyone in a similar situation i feel i am in right now.

 

[Slog]

I just turned 30 this year and its been almost 8 months since i got my first job in Canada. And Boy all of a sudden my parents have started panicing like crazy.

My parents are first cousins and the resulting consequence has been that me and my baby sister have ended up suffering from dyslexia which has been a huge problem for us given how much we have to struggle and work hard to succeed in achieving half of the things which most bright, talented indivuduals are able to achieve so easily in such a ruthless competitive world that exists today.

But now after a life time of preaching to me about being extremely against first cousin marriages since they are both doctors and also given that they have witnessed the many disasterous medical consequences the kids have had to pay in the family for e.g. another chacha and khala of mine who are first cousins also got married but the really sad part is that their youngest son is severely autistic while the other son had some learning difficulties. But my folks absolutely ambushed me a few months ago when they asked me to seriously consider getting married to a 20 year old first cousin of mine. This 20 year old first cousin of mine is pretty decent looking, people will definately say i have scored if i were to say yes and loads of families have been trying to woo her parents, my mom was like if i say yes, i will definately get her being her first cousin.

But sadly i cannot say yes to this because of the simple fact she is my first cousin and i cannot ignore that. My parents especially my mother have been extremely dissapointed by my decision and still rub it in every time, think about, think about, you are making a big mistake.

The second girl they recommended, they showed me her photo and they started preaching she comes from a very nice family, very nice, sweet, humble girl. All of this is fine but the problem was that i just didn't feel attracted to her at all. And the way my parent's recommended her to me didn't inspire with any hope at all, it was if just take her because she is available.

I have been in Canada for a while now and i have been shocked to find out the number of Desi girls in my family who are in their late 20's, early 30's who have been born, raised over here or who came later on to live over here but the fact that they are average looking, not well maintained and also the fact they come from very conservative families, they have just found it very hard to get rishta's and seeing the body language, attitude of some of their parents, they are so desperate to find a guy for their struggling daughters that it shows when they are desperately willing to hitch their daughters with guys without even going into their backgrounds, knowing and willing to make the effort to know more about them in detail e.t.c. I have had this experience twice with random strangers ever in Toronto and recently in Calgary, where i accidently let out that i was still single and all of a sudden the 50 year old plus uncle immediately pounced on me "What do you do for a living? Where do your parents live? I know 1-2 girls in my family? Do your parents plan to visit you? Where do you live? Give me your phone number etc" and i was like "Woah dude, take it easy now".

There are some people like that in my extended and distant family here in Canada and there are seeing me as an easy Bakra for their struggling daughters. Literally this gang is so ruthless, self serving, the amount of whispering they do in my parent's ears "Your son is 30 years old, he is aging out, he is not going to get a good young bride now, the sponsorship process from Pakistan will take 5 long years e.t.c.". The last straw for me was when my own phuppo acting on behalf of her husband, recommended a fat 30 year old girl to my mother. Even she has humiliated me in public at times when she has openly mocked and made comments "The best ones get taken early blah blah".

It's a hard question whenever people and my folks ask me what kind of girl i want. I know for a fact in life it is hard to get the complete package where the girl is attractive, decently educated, is modern enough to be praised for being a catch, is mature and intelligent, has house wife qualities where she adjusts to her new family and is also willing to work because times have changed now as in order to lead a comfortable life both spouses have to be working. I know i will have to give and take on some things for sure.

My folks on the other hand have imposed their own conditions. They are like the girl has to be from Pakistan only, they will not accept a girl from the US/Canada but the problem with that is the spousal sponsorship process is taking 4-5 years now but the keep insisting they have a way around it where if they bring her on a student visa over here and if i end up legally marrying her here, she will become a Canadian PR. Then they have a few ethnic conditions i.e. the girl cannot be from an Urdu speaking family and the girl has to be preferrably Punjabi. They also only want to look for girls within the family and are very hessitant to look outside the family.

On my part, i have told my folks that i am open to girls both in Pakistan and in US/Canada and they should broaden their horizons. I have told them that i am ok with girls both in the family (provided she is not a first cousin) and outside the family as well. I have also told them that i acknowledge that it will ofcourse not be easy to find the perfect package and if the girl is still studying and will need to study further in Canada to improve her chances of getting a decent job here, i will support her to the best of my abilities.

I told my folks if they are stubbornly insisting on a Pakistani girl then they will have to find someone young who is studying in university as it will be easier for her to wait through this sponsorship process.

In return all my distant relatives here and now even my parents are accussing me of being in decisive, of being shallow for rejecting a girl based on looks. What hypocricy is this in this world where its perfectly cool for millions of girls to reject guys on the basis of looks but when a guy does it he is a jerk?

I told my folks point blank that i can compromise and adjust on some things but if i consider myself to be a 7/10 or 7.5/10 then there is no way in hell that i am going to be short handed and settle for someone less than that or way less than that. If i dont feel a buzz or attraction then i am not going to ruin the poor girls life unnecessarily.

Lol at the pressure and shaming tactics of my father "I was a father at your age". And then my folks try other things "A large age gap between the wife and a husband is not good" where i countered "hello didn't you just suggest my 20 year old first cousin to who is 10 years younger to me a few months ago"?

And then they counter "Why are you refusing to get married?" and i respond "Why are you people saying why am i refusing to get married? How am i refusing to get married? You find me a decent looking match and i will say yes"

Then my parents ask me if there is a girl i like. And i responded on a girl whose families we both know "Well i won't say i really like this one particular girl or that i will go out on a limb for her, but i find her the most cute looking one so far but i am not sure if she is planning to pursue studies in a good field" and my mother counters" Nope they are too nakhray type people, plus the girl even though is good looking is not planning to pursue studies in a major decent respectable field either"

Bottom line no win situation. I just wanted to vent and see if there is anyone in a similar situation i feel i am in right now.

Lol not make a joke out of the situation but this just reminded of an incident few years ago where my good friend's brother was in a similar situation where he was past 30 and had still not decided to get hitched. He was asked by some random desi Auntie straight up, "Beta, why aren't you marrying? You are well educated and stable and if you don't get married soon you will miss the train. Are you gay?"

) )

 

[AlphaFighter]

Lol not make a joke out of the situation but this just reminded of an incident few years ago where my good friend's brother was in a similar situation where he was past 30 and had still not decided to get hitched. He was asked by some random desi Auntie straight up, "Beta, why aren't you marrying? You are well educated and stable and if you don't get married soon you will miss the train. Are you gay?"

) )

I wont exactly say i am stable in that i just started my first job 8 months ago and still have lots of studying and work to do to progress and move ahead. But i also acknowledge that i need to atleast be engaged to someone now and i can't delay and run away from the inevitable forever.

Plus i am not sure whether a lot of 30 plus guys will admit to it but i will admit that i feel uncomfortable being single at this stage in my life. However my philosophy is "Do it gradually with good intentions, do it once but do it right as opposed to the desperate fast paced arrangements all my distant relatives are lobbying for me".

 

[Slog]

Lol I am still in splits after remembering that incident. The best part was that she was some random Auntie and not even someone he knew well. Desis like to butt in things for no reason.

Any ways i personally would never want to be with a girl who is more than 3-4 years younger (or older for that matter) than me. Also she must be 25 minimum if we are talking about marriage.

A 10 year gap is too huge. Honestly you say you are 30 years old. Just think back to how immature and well not exposed to the real world a 20 year old is.

Arranged marriages are a lottery imo and marriage is something I really don't want to take a chance on ideally.

But if it ever does come to arrange marriage probably doing it in extended family (relations beyond second cousins) is the way to go. You are not that close to them for it to be weird but also know the family and their circumstances well enough to make an informed decision

 

[Slog]

I wont exactly say i am stable in that i just started my first job 8 months ago and still have lots of studying and work to do to progress and move ahead. But i also acknowledge that i need to atleast be engaged to someone now and i can't delay and run away from the inevitable forever.

Plus i am not sure whether a lot of 30 plus guys will admit to it but i will admit that i feel uncomfortable being single at this stage in my life. However my philosophy is "Do it gradually with good intentions, do it once but do it right as opposed to the desperate fast paced arrangements all my distant relatives are lobbying for me".

I do agree that after a certain age girls you can get through arrange marriage are slim picking in terms of quality (quality= education level plus looks).

Parents who believe in arrange marriage want their daughters to be married off by the age of 25-26 max mostly. And ideally they do not want the guy to be more than 5-6 years older.

So yes in that respect time is of the essence for a 30 year old.

If you do think that arrange marriage is the way you will go probably best to decide on the girl and do baat-Pakki and get married when you have more stability. Another advantage is that you will get to know the girl much better in this engagement period and if there is really some bad situation It's easier to break off a baat-pakki situation because breaking off a marriage in our culture is just not on.

 

[AlphaFighter]

Lol I am still in splits after remembering that incident. The best part was that she was some random Auntie and not even someone he knew well. Desis like to butt in things for no reason.

Any ways i personally would never want to be with a girl who is more than 3-4 years younger (or older for that matter) than me. Also she must be 25 minimum if we are talking about marriage.

A 10 year gap is too huge. Honestly you say you are 30 years old. Just think back to how immature and well not exposed to the real world a 20 year old is.

Arranged marriages are a lottery imo and marriage is something I really don't want to take a chance on ideally.

But if it ever does come to arrange marriage probably doing it in extended family (relations beyond second cousins) is the way to go. You are not that close to them for it to be weird but also know the family and their circumstances well enough to make an informed decision

I am open to that too but the problem is that almost all the girls in the extended family are just not decent looking at all and there is a reason why some of them are in their late 20's and early 30's and still struggling. I have learnt to be brutally honest where all the relatives make excuses for them that they are just plainly unlucky, didn't have good kismat e.t.c whereas i just point blank say it to them "A good looking girl from any part of the world will be snapped up in a jiffy even if she lives in an area where the Pakistani community is small e.t.c."

I can't understand how guys manage to say yes to avg looking girls when they know they have better options. If i were to go that route, i know for a fact i will be doing a big disservice to the girl in the long run. There has to be that attraction or buzz between the 2 people or at least by the guy for the girl in question at least.

 

[endymion248]

I just turned 30 this year and its been almost 8 months since i got my first job in Canada. And Boy all of a sudden my parents have started panicing like crazy.

My parents are first cousins and the resulting consequence has been that me and my baby sister have ended up suffering from dyslexia which has been a huge problem for us given how much we have to struggle and work hard to succeed in achieving half of the things which most bright, talented indivuduals are able to achieve so easily in such a ruthless competitive world that exists today.

But now after a life time of preaching to me about being extremely against first cousin marriages since they are both doctors and also given that they have witnessed the many disasterous medical consequences the kids have had to pay in the family for e.g. another chacha and khala of mine who are first cousins also got married but the really sad part is that their youngest son is severely autistic while the other son had some learning difficulties. But my folks absolutely ambushed me a few months ago when they asked me to seriously consider getting married to a 20 year old first cousin of mine. This 20 year old first cousin of mine is pretty decent looking, people will definately say i have scored if i were to say yes and loads of families have been trying to woo her parents, my mom was like if i say yes, i will definately get her being her first cousin.

But sadly i cannot say yes to this because of the simple fact she is my first cousin and i cannot ignore that. My parents especially my mother have been extremely dissapointed by my decision and still rub it in every time, think about, think about, you are making a big mistake.

The second girl they recommended, they showed me her photo and they started preaching she comes from a very nice family, very nice, sweet, humble girl. All of this is fine but the problem was that i just didn't feel attracted to her at all. And the way my parent's recommended her to me didn't inspire with any hope at all, it was if just take her because she is available.

I have been in Canada for a while now and i have been shocked to find out the number of Desi girls in my family who are in their late 20's, early 30's who have been born, raised over here or who came later on to live over here but the fact that they are average looking, not well maintained and also the fact they come from very conservative families, they have just found it very hard to get rishta's and seeing the body language, attitude of some of their parents, they are so desperate to find a guy for their struggling daughters that it shows when they are desperately willing to hitch their daughters with guys without even going into their backgrounds, knowing and willing to make the effort to know more about them in detail e.t.c. I have had this experience twice with random strangers ever in Toronto and recently in Calgary, where i accidently let out that i was still single and all of a sudden the 50 year old plus uncle immediately pounced on me "What do you do for a living? Where do your parents live? I know 1-2 girls in my family? Do your parents plan to visit you? Where do you live? Give me your phone number etc" and i was like "Woah dude, take it easy now".

There are some people like that in my extended and distant family here in Canada and there are seeing me as an easy Bakra for their struggling daughters. Literally this gang is so ruthless, self serving, the amount of whispering they do in my parent's ears "Your son is 30 years old, he is aging out, he is not going to get a good young bride now, the sponsorship process from Pakistan will take 5 long years e.t.c.". The last straw for me was when my own phuppo acting on behalf of her husband, recommended a fat 30 year old girl to my mother. Even she has humiliated me in public at times when she has openly mocked and made comments "The best ones get taken early blah blah".

It's a hard question whenever people and my folks ask me what kind of girl i want. I know for a fact in life it is hard to get the complete package where the girl is attractive, decently educated, is modern enough to be praised for being a catch, is mature and intelligent, has house wife qualities where she adjusts to her new family and is also willing to work because times have changed now as in order to lead a comfortable life both spouses have to be working. I know i will have to give and take on some things for sure.

My folks on the other hand have imposed their own conditions. They are like the girl has to be from Pakistan only, they will not accept a girl from the US/Canada but the problem with that is the spousal sponsorship process is taking 4-5 years now but the keep insisting they have a way around it where if they bring her on a student visa over here and if i end up legally marrying her here, she will become a Canadian PR. Then they have a few ethnic conditions i.e. the girl cannot be from an Urdu speaking family and the girl has to be preferrably Punjabi. They also only want to look for girls within the family and are very hessitant to look outside the family.

On my part, i have told my folks that i am open to girls both in Pakistan and in US/Canada and they should broaden their horizons. I have told them that i am ok with girls both in the family (provided she is not a first cousin) and outside the family as well. I have also told them that i acknowledge that it will ofcourse not be easy to find the perfect package and if the girl is still studying and will need to study further in Canada to improve her chances of getting a decent job here, i will support her to the best of my abilities.

I told my folks if they are stubbornly insisting on a Pakistani girl then they will have to find someone young who is studying in university as it will be easier for her to wait through this sponsorship process.

In return all my distant relatives here and now even my parents are accussing me of being in decisive, of being shallow for rejecting a girl based on looks. What hypocricy is this in this world where its perfectly cool for millions of girls to reject guys on the basis of looks but when a guy does it he is a jerk?

I told my folks point blank that i can compromise and adjust on some things but if i consider myself to be a 7/10 or 7.5/10 then there is no way in hell that i am going to be short handed and settle for someone less than that or way less than that. If i dont feel a buzz or attraction then i am not going to ruin the poor girls life unnecessarily.

Lol at the pressure and shaming tactics of my father "I was a father at your age". And then my folks try other things "A large age gap between the wife and a husband is not good" where i countered "hello didn't you just suggest my 20 year old first cousin to who is 10 years younger to me a few months ago"?

And then they counter "Why are you refusing to get married?" and i respond "Why are you people saying why am i refusing to get married? How am i refusing to get married? You find me a decent looking match and i will say yes"

Then my parents ask me if there is a girl i like. And i responded on a girl whose families we both know "Well i won't say i really like this one particular girl or that i will go out on a limb for her, but i find her the most cute looking one so far but i am not sure if she is planning to pursue studies in a good field" and my mother counters" Nope they are too nakhray type people, plus the girl even though is good looking is not planning to pursue studies in a major decent respectable field either"

Bottom line no win situation. I just wanted to vent and see if there is anyone in a similar situation i feel i am in right now.

It seems both yours parents and you want the first cousin but you are scared because of the children. That's probably why your parents are being picky, to force your hand. If you do make that choice, remember that there are always millions of children in need of a loving home in the world.

 

[Mamoon]

More than 4-5 years of age difference is not advisable.

 

[AlphaFighter]

I do agree that after a certain age girls you can get through arrange marriage are slim picking in terms of quality (quality= education level plus looks).

Parents who believe in arrange marriage want their daughters to be married off by the age of 25-26 max mostly. And ideally they do not want the guy to be more than 5-6 years older.

So yes in that respect time is of the essence for a 30 year old.

If you do think that arrange marriage is the way you will go probably best to decide on the girl and do baat-Pakki and get married when you have more stability. Another advantage is that you will get to know the girl much better in this engagement period and if there is really some bad situation It's easier to break off a baat-pakki situation because breaking off a marriage in our culture is just not on.

I agree that might the norm in most situations but i know of atleast 10 examples where the age gap between the guy and the girl in arranged marriages is as large as 10 years. For e.g. my ex colleague in Singapore who is 35 years old just got married to a 23 year old Lums graduate. But i am pretty certain the fact that he is earning close to $160,000 and is living in a decent luxurious appartment in Singapore helped immensely.

In my situation, even though i may not be perfectly stable yet, the things that i have going for me is my solid family background in terms of the fact that my parents are very well recognized and respected in not only Pakistan but also internationally and my dad also keeps telling me "baita you are so lucky that you have parents who can help you out and you don't even have half the problems or liabilities that millions of other people have to deal with".

Arranged marriages are not that bad at all. Sometimes it can feel exciting as well wondering and being curious about what you end up with. That thrill of a lottery. And trust me, i know some guys who have ended up with such solid catches to the envy of many that they could never have ended up with on their own.

 

[AlphaFighter]

More than 4-5 years of age difference is not advisable.

I can understand that being the concern, but when i honestly analyze myself and my life experiences, i have observed that most female friends i have made and most girls that i easily get along with have been much younger than me i.e. around 4-5 years, some even 8-10 years. I don't know why that is the case but that's how it is, i don't really get along that well with girls my age or close to my age.

Plus i am also basing so many other considerations. It is taking 2-3 years to bring a girl from Pakistan to Canada. Plus i am not going to be selfish enough to prevent the girl from pursuing an education and to get atleast a years worth of work experience over here before we take the decision to start a family.

For e.g. my phuppo used to be a Qualified doctor in Pakistan, she moved to Canada in 1996, where she had to start all over again but the situation was such, she had a kid which resulted in her not being able to focus on studies and finding a job for around a year and a half. Then she went to University to upgrade her education but then she still wasn't able to find a job. Then she again went through a 1 year certificate program and still couldn't find a job. Now recently she went to Medical school for a 5 year program and its been one year now and she still isn't being able to find a job.

20 years, she has been actively trying to look for work and isn't able to find anything. I just find it funny where she takes pot shots at my mother who is a very successful, well recognized doctor in both Pakistan and world wide "oh she was so lucky to be living in Pakistan where she had all the servants and amenities to help her out, while i made a sacrifice to stay at home for the kids". I confronted her when she said this to me "No you didn't, you made no sacrifice as such and that was not your intention either, you had no choice, you tried to break into the system but you couldn't and you had no other choice"

Bottomline, i wouldn't want to do that to my wife, i would like her to have atleast a year's worth of experience of even two years before we plan to start a family where she can take maternity leave e.t.c. and it will be a little bit easier for her to find work where she has local Canadian work experience atleast in her field.

 

[Mamoon]

I can understand that being the concern, but when i honestly analyze myself and my life experiences, i have observed that most female friends i have made and most girls that i easily get along with have been much younger than me i.e. around 4-5 years, some even 8-10 years. I don't know why that is the case but that's how it is, i don't really get along that well with girls my age or close to my age.

Plus i am also basing so many other considerations. It is taking 2-3 years to bring a girl from Pakistan to Canada. Plus i am not going to be selfish enough to prevent the girl from pursuing an education and to get atleast a years worth of work experience over here before we take the decision to start a family.

For e.g. my phuppo used to be a Qualified doctor in Pakistan, she moved to Canada in 1996, where she had to start all over again but the situation was such, she had a kid which resulted in her not being able to focus on studies and finding a job for around a year and a half. Then she went to University to upgrade her education but then she still wasn't able to find a job. Then she again went through a 1 year certificate program and still couldn't find a job. Now recently she went to Medical school for a 5 year program and its been one year now and she still isn't being able to find a job.

20 years, she has been actively trying to look for work and isn't able to find anything. I just find it funny where she takes pot shots at my mother who is a very successful, well recognized doctor in both Pakistan and world wide "oh she was so lucky to be living in Pakistan where she had all the servants and amenities to help her out, while i made a sacrifice to stay at home for the kids". I confronted her when she said this to me "No you didn't, you made no sacrifice as such and that was not your intention either, you had no choice, you tried to break into the system but you couldn't and you had no other choice"

Bottomline, i wouldn't want to do that to my wife, i would like her to have atleast a year's worth of experience of even two years before we plan to start a family where she can take maternity leave e.t.c. and it will be a little bit easier for her to find work where she has local Canadian work experience atleast in her field.

Well you certainly have a very mature approach. Unfortunately not many Pakistani men think like this.

 

[endymion248]

In my situation, even though i may not be perfectly stable yet, the things that i have going for me is my solid family background in terms of the fact that my parents are very well recognized and respected in not only Pakistan but also internationally and my dad also keeps telling me "baita you are so lucky that you have parents who can help you out and you don't even have half the problems or liabilities that millions of other people have to deal with".

This part may be your problem. If you have expectations from the girl and her family, so do the girl and her familiy from you. Maybe you'll make snap judgements on the girl for being unmarried at 25+ and she will make snap judgement on you for not having a stable job at 30. Maybe you should ask yourself what you bring to the table (besides your parents ) and that will help you tamper your expectations that the girls you are being proposed don't live up to you. At the end of the day, most people have an overinflated sense of self-worth compared to how judgemental they are of other people. You mention in a previous post that your extended family is accusing you of being picky. Sure, there is nothing wrong with being picky when choosing a life partner but it implies that there are better options waiting. At the end of the day, everyone wants a 22 year old beautiful professionally driven doctor who is also a good homemaker, if you are not getting that then you may want to look at whether a 22 year old beautiful professionally driven doctor who is also a good homemaker would think you live up to her standards. I don't mean to imply that you don't, you are probably a wonderful person but, in a situation where everyone (including you) is making quick snap judgements and being shallow, one should see whether they live up to a shallow and superficial scrutiny from the girl's family.

 

[AlphaFighter]

This part may be your problem. If you have expectations from the girl and her family, so do the girl and her familiy from you. Maybe you'll make snap judgements on the girl for being unmarried at 25+ and she will make snap judgement on you for not having a stable job at 30. Maybe you should ask yourself what you bring to the table (besides your parents ) and that will help you tamper your expectations that the girls you are being proposed don't live up to you. At the end of the day, most people have an overinflated sense of self-worth compared to how judgemental they are of other people. You mention in a previous post that your extended family is accusing you of being picky. Sure, there is nothing wrong with being picky when choosing a life partner but it implies that there are better options waiting. At the end of the day, everyone wants a 22 year old beautiful professionally driven doctor who is also a good homemaker, if you are not getting that then you may want to look at whether a 22 year old beautiful professionally driven doctor who is also a good homemaker would think you live up to her standards. I don't mean to imply that you don't, you are probably a wonderful person but, in a situation where everyone (including you) is making quick snap judgements and being shallow, one should see whether they live up to a shallow and superficial scrutiny from the girl's family.

I think you missed the part about my extended relatives having vested interests. Most of their comments are driven by selfish vested interests. They have a huge hoard, line of around 28-32 year old avg looking girls in their families for whom they have not been successful enough in finding any Rishta's. They make excuses oh there is a very small Pakistani community in Canada and in the US where it's much harder to find suitable guys but i have also seen many decent to good looking Pakistani origin girls who easily get married off by the age of 22-23 so it is clear where the problem lies. Their comments are part of a strategy to force my parents to look at all the struggling girls in their families and are not necessarily driven in reality. It is so pathetically obvious and clear that sometimes i wonder don't they feel ashamed about how desperate they are coming across.

I am no prince charming, i dont profess to match up to every single girls standards out there. But i have a simple question, why is it ok and cool for a girl to reject guys on the basis of looks but when a guy does it, he gets to be called shallow, picky and a jerk? Isn't that hypocricy?

I have only put myself out there in the last 5-6 months and i don't think any self respecting person would want a situation where they settled for something much lesser than they could have actually gotten. A guy who is a 7/10 shouldn't settle for someone way less under pressure.

 

[chacha kashmiri]

Too much thinking is never good when you want to get married

Yes , age gap is important when you're newly married, less so when she's 65 and you're 75

 

[Belawal2014]

[MENTION=5942]AlphaFighter[/MENTION] man was that a good read. I feel for you and the position you're in even though I'm almost 11 years younger than you are. Hang in there man. I would've thought that living in Canada you would've easily found a Pakistani girl.

 

[dashing_man]

Age shouldn't matter when in love marriage but it should in arranged
[MENTION=46929]shaz619[/MENTION] [MENTION=47617]Red Devil[/MENTION] [MENTION=136193]Adil_94[/MENTION] what ya'll think, Would you consider age if you were to marry your crush

for me I can marry Lana anytime even when I'm 35

 

[Adil_94]

Age shouldn't matter when in love marriage but it should in arranged
[MENTION=46929]shaz619[/MENTION] [MENTION=47617]Red Devil[/MENTION] [MENTION=136193]Adil_94[/MENTION] what ya'll think, Would you consider age if you were to marry your crush

for me I can marry Lana anytime even when I'm 35

Wouldnt want gap more than 5 years. Rusev will crush you if you try anything with Lana. Naitch you are are always styling n profiling. Wooooooo wooooo making them to go to space mountain.

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk

 

[dashing_man]

I think you missed the part about my extended relatives having vested interests. Most of their comments are driven by selfish vested interests. They have a huge hoard, line of around 28-32 year old avg looking girls in their families for whom they have not been successful enough in finding any Rishta's. They make excuses oh there is a very small Pakistani community in Canada and in the US where it's much harder to find suitable guys but i have also seen many decent to good looking Pakistani origin girls who easily get married off by the age of 22-23 so it is clear where the problem lies. Their comments are part of a strategy to force my parents to look at all the struggling girls in their families and are not necessarily driven in reality. It is so pathetically obvious and clear that sometimes i wonder don't they feel ashamed about how desperate they are coming across.

I am no prince charming, i dont profess to match up to every single girls standards out there. But i have a simple question, why is it ok and cool for a girl to reject guys on the basis of looks but when a guy does it, he gets to be called shallow, picky and a jerk? Isn't that hypocricy?

I have only put myself out there in the last 5-6 months and i don't think any self respecting person would want a situation where they settled for something much lesser than they could have actually gotten. A guy who is a 7/10 shouldn't settle for someone way less under pressure.

because men can handle rejection basis on their looks. Women don't take rejections on such basis lightly. Beauty and Perfection is what every girls dream and they want nothing else then people appreciating their beauty. it's simple nature.

 

[shaz619]

Age shouldn't matter when in love marriage but it should in arranged
[MENTION=46929]shaz619[/MENTION] [MENTION=47617]Red Devil[/MENTION] [MENTION=136193]Adil_94[/MENTION] what ya'll think, Would you consider age if you were to marry your crush

for me I can marry Lana anytime even when I'm 35

I just want a hot milf, age is irrelevant WOOOO!

 

[dashing_man]

Wouldnt want gap more than 5 years. Rusev will crush you if you try anything with Lana. Naitch you are are always styling n profiling. Wooooooo wooooo making them to go to space mountain.

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk

I wouldn't mind Lana at 45 tbh. after all i'm best at steelin deelin, kiss stealin woooo

PS: Ayyan broke my heart

 

[AlphaFighter]

[MENTION=5942]AlphaFighter[/MENTION] man was that a good read. I feel for you and the position you're in even though I'm almost 11 years younger than you are. Hang in there man. I would've thought that living in Canada you would've easily found a Pakistani girl.

Actually, i am pretty chilled and patient about the whole thing. I am not desperate as in desperate to get married as yet, but the negative whispers, campaigns of all my extended relatives with vested interests "Oh he is aging out, all the good ones get taken early e.t.c" have naturally taken a toll on my parents who i am seeing have started to some what panic. I would say overall i would at the very least like to be engaged to someone by now.

What hasn't helped is the fact that my parents are insisting on many things i.e. the girl has to only be from Pakistan, the girl can only be punjabi and not urdu speaking, the girl must have a decent education or must be planning to have a decent education, the girl must be someone from within the family or extended family and no outsiders.

Plus i like i am sure most guys do, want to feel a little bit attracted or have those special butterfiles for that person. You have to have that feeling for the girl. I find it hypocritical when society feels its permissable for girls to feel that way about guys but guys are just wrong, shallow, snobbish, jerkish for having the same approach towards girls.

 

[dashing_man]

I just want a hot milf, age is irrelevant WOOOO!

stop thinking about Steph. Hunter will bury you bro

Woooooooo

 

[AlphaFighter]

because men can handle rejection basis on their looks. Women don't take rejections on such basis lightly. Beauty and Perfection is what every girls dream and they want nothing else then people appreciating their beauty. it's simple nature.

Lol who says men can easily handle being rejected for not being good looking enough for the girl?

 

[shaz619]

stop thinking about Steph. Hunter will bury you bro

Woooooooo

How did you know am after steph? You're after her to aren't you WOOO! but realise you don't stand a chance when the Boss Playa is in town I have the gene WOOO!

 

[dashing_man]

Lol who says men can easily handle being rejected for not being good looking enough for the girl?

I haven't met anyone so far who was hurt by rejection on the basis of looks.

 

[dashing_man]

How did you know am after steph? You're after her to aren't you WOOO! but realise you don't stand a chance when the Boss Playa is in town I have the gene WOOO!

I'm after Vickie ) )

 

[dashing_man]

How did you know am after steph? You're after her to aren't you WOOO! but realise you don't stand a chance when the Boss Playa is in town I have the gene WOOO!

And please [emoji14]fft ....I can steal a girl from anyone anytime brother woooooo

 

[shaz619]

I'm after Vickie ) )

) I find this comment even more funny then usual but I can't remember why

 

[Fallen King]

Stop bumping the old threads. This thread has the posts of alternate version of me dates back to 2012 contradicts the version of today me.

 

[shaz619]

And please [emoji14]fft ....I can steal a girl from anyone anytime brother woooooo

In player mode I'd have your gyal ready for the booty call, after giving her the shovel you'd be like was it shazzy bear or the fame, his shovel or the game but Nigga I screamed WOOO! when I came )

 

[dashing_man]

Stop bumping the old threads. This thread has the posts of alternate version of me dates back to 2012 contradicts the version of today me.

So you reached puberty here

 

[Fallen King]

So you reached puberty here

Very funny. I am surprised that some of old threads are still alive.

 

[Belawal2014]

Actually, i am pretty chilled and patient about the whole thing. I am not desperate as in desperate to get married as yet, but the negative whispers, campaigns of all my extended relatives with vested interests "Oh he is aging out, all the good ones get taken early e.t.c" have naturally taken a toll on my parents who i am seeing have started to some what panic. I would say overall i would at the very least like to be engaged to someone by now.

What hasn't helped is the fact that my parents are insisting on many things i.e. the girl has to only be from Pakistan, the girl can only be punjabi and not urdu speaking, the girl must have a decent education or must be planning to have a decent education, the girl must be someone from within the family or extended family and no outsiders.

Plus i like i am sure most guys do, want to feel a little bit attracted or have those special butterfiles for that person. You have to have that feeling for the girl. I find it hypocritical when society feels its permissable for girls to feel that way about guys but guys are just wrong, shallow, snobbish, jerkish for having the same approach towards girls.

There's nothing wrong in that. It's human nature to be attracted to someone's looks as well. Anyone who tells you "oh personality matters this and that" is a load of bull. First thing some one notices in someone is how they look. It's a harsh reality of the world. Looks matter, however they're not the only thing that matter. Once that initial physical attraction dims down, it is of course your respective personalities among other things which hold you together. So I'd say you're not in the wrong at all for desiring some one who looks pleasing and not settling for some one who looks average or below your standards.

Your family's conditions are quite strict and numerous. Wow, all my mother wishes is that she be of Pakistani origin. Doesn't matter to her if she's Pakistani Canadian, or from Pakistan or Urdu speaking or Punjabi speaking. You live in Canada right? I'm guessing Toronto. There's a huge Pakistani diaspora here in Canada and it shouldn't be too hard for you to find someone of Pakistani origin. If I were you in your position, I'd probably not rush anything and find a good-looking Pakistani girl right here in Canada. It would solve a number of your problems i.e. Pakistani origin, of your liking, good-looking, educated etc etc.

Now, the only problem with that would be convincing your parents. And this part shouldn't be too hard. As much as you're parents think they know what's best for you and think by imposing all those said conditions they'll be helping you, but if you present them with a Canadian Pakistani bride of your choice, they will eventually come around. No matter how much they may reject it at first, or put up a resistance, trust me, I'm sure they love you way too much and will eventually come around.

I know this first hand. My older brother who is turning 24 this December was to be married to our first cousin, just like you. To add to this, they're marriage was decided when my brother was very young, say 5-6 years old. Now as you can imagine, as he grew older, he came to know the difficulties that surround first-cousin marriages with respect to the offspring. Among other things, just like yourself, he wanted to be married to a women of his liking, educated etc etc. Now, initially when he disclosed this to my father he was VERY upset because he had given his word to his sister. My mother however remained supportive. And just like in your case, our relatives back home started bickering and gossiping and talking trash and what not. Believe it or not, at one point this created divisions in our family (not immediate family) but our extended family back in Pakistan. However, as my brother remained adamant, and rightly so, my father gradually and eventually gave in and broke off the union. My father's sister was quite mad with all that transpired but she had no choice to move on as well.

Fast forward a couple years, and my parents are now in my brother's ear to find someone of his choice to get married. He's only 23 right now, so he does have time before my parents really start giving him an earful on a constant basis. But what's important is that they've stopped insisting him to marry our cousin.

You're 30 now and it's certainly a cause for concern that you haven't been at the least engaged yet. But, you still have at least 2-3 years before things get REALLY serious an dire. So yes, you should be looking around.

And really, about the bickering and stuff from your relatives, it's not going to stop until you're finally married. I know it's annoying but you can't control what they say but what you can do, is filter them out of your conscious and focus on you. They can talk all the craap they want but at the end of they day you need to do what's best for you. I'd, and I'm sure you as well, would like to find someone who you can connect with on a physical and intellectual level and spend the rest of your life with.

I guess the bottom line of what I'm trying to say is that, who cares what anyone else thinks about you and how you're not married yet. You need to do you, and find someone you like, because eventually your parents will come around and will accept her. Granted that whoever she is, isn't too far off from what your parents desire. i.e. An African Canadian And finally, good luck to you.

 

[Abdul]

There's nothing wrong in that. It's human nature to be attracted to someone's looks as well. Anyone who tells you "oh personality matters this and that" is a load of bull. First thing some one notices in someone is how they look. It's a harsh reality of the world. Looks matter, however they're not the only thing that matter. Once that initial physical attraction dims down, it is of course your respective personalities among other things which hold you together. So I'd say you're not in the wrong at all for desiring some one who looks pleasing and not settling for some one who looks average or below your standards.

Your family's conditions are quite strict and numerous. Wow, all my mother wishes is that she be of Pakistani origin. Doesn't matter to her if she's Pakistani Canadian, or from Pakistan or Urdu speaking or Punjabi speaking. You live in Canada right? I'm guessing Toronto. There's a huge Pakistani diaspora here in Canada and it shouldn't be too hard for you to find someone of Pakistani origin. If I were you in your position, I'd probably not rush anything and find a good-looking Pakistani girl right here in Canada. It would solve a number of your problems i.e. Pakistani origin, of your liking, good-looking, educated etc etc.

Now, the only problem with that would be convincing your parents. And this part shouldn't be too hard. As much as you're parents think they know what's best for you and think by imposing all those said conditions they'll be helping you, but if you present them with a Canadian Pakistani bride of your choice, they will eventually come around. No matter how much they may reject it at first, or put up a resistance, trust me, I'm sure they love you way too much and will eventually come around.

I know this first hand. My older brother who is turning 24 this December was to be married to our first cousin, just like you. To add to this, they're marriage was decided when my brother was very young, say 5-6 years old. Now as you can imagine, as he grew older, he came to know the difficulties that surround first-cousin marriages with respect to the offspring. Among other things, just like yourself, he wanted to be married to a women of his liking, educated etc etc. Now, initially when he disclosed this to my father he was VERY upset because he had given his word to his sister. My mother however remained supportive. And just like in your case, our relatives back home started bickering and gossiping and talking trash and what not. Believe it or not, at one point this created divisions in our family (not immediate family) but our extended family back in Pakistan. However, as my brother remained adamant, and rightly so, my father gradually and eventually gave in and broke off the union. My father's sister was quite mad with all that transpired but she had no choice to move on as well.

Fast forward a couple years, and my parents are now in my brother's ear to find someone of his choice to get married. He's only 23 right now, so he does have time before my parents really start giving him an earful on a constant basis. But what's important is that they've stopped insisting him to marry our cousin.

You're 30 now and it's certainly a cause for concern that you haven't been at the least engaged yet. But, you still have at least 2-3 years before things get REALLY serious an dire. So yes, you should be looking around.

And really, about the bickering and stuff from your relatives, it's not going to stop until you're finally married. I know it's annoying but you can't control what they say but what you can do, is filter them out of your conscious and focus on you. They can talk all the craap they want but at the end of they day you need to do what's best for you. I'd, and I'm sure you as well, would like to find someone who you can connect with on a physical and intellectual level and spend the rest of your life with.

I guess the bottom line of what I'm trying to say is that, who cares what anyone else thinks about you and how you're not married yet. You need to do you, and find someone you like, because eventually your parents will come around and will accept her. Granted that whoever she is, isn't too far off from what your parents desire. i.e. An African Canadian And finally, good luck to you.

Rare seeing you write this big.

 

[Belawal2014]

Rare seeing you write this big.

Yeah, I only write big when I need to/want to or have nothing to do (midterms are over). I don't see the purpose of writing lengthy paragraphs on any forum for that matter. It's just time consuming and when you have thick-headed or stubborn individuals the end result are tired fingers writing countless lengthy posts, only for them to be disregarded altogether as they may not fit the other person's agenda/views. just take a look at the player comparison threads or randomly pick any Sachin or Imran thread. You'll find that they are some persistent and relentless posters trying to prove their point by typing up a whole page at times. What ends up happening is that all their efforts go in vain because at the end of the day, you're going to find some that agree with you and some that don't, no matter how hard you try to convince them.

Also, I tend to largely stay away from any Indo-Pak pass time threads as well because you have the same type of nationlistic chest-beating posters as mentioned above.

The only threads which are then left in which I don't mind writing lengthy paragraphs is this one for example, and say the Jinn thread or any personal experience type related thread.

So I then just, for the most part, stick to 2-3 liners and tongue-in-cheek/leg-pulling comments to instigate the other poster to type up a whole paragraph to convince me other wise to which, as you guessed it, disregard completely. And so it goes on...

 

[Abdul]

Yeah, I only write big when I need to/want to or have nothing to do (midterms are over). I don't see the purpose of writing lengthy paragraphs on any forum for that matter. It's just time consuming and when you have thick-headed or stubborn individuals the end result are tired fingers writing countless lengthy posts, only for them to be disregarded altogether as they may not fit the other person's agenda/views. just take a look at the player comparison threads or randomly pick any Sachin or Imran thread. You'll find that they are some persistent and relentless posters trying to prove their point by typing up a whole page at times. What ends up happening is that all their efforts go in vain because at the end of the day, you're going to find some that agree with you and some that don't, no matter how hard you try to convince them.

Also, I tend to largely stay away from any Indo-Pak pass time threads as well because you have the same type of nationlistic chest-beating posters as mentioned above.

The only threads which are then left in which I don't mind writing lengthy paragraphs is this one for example, and say the Jinn thread or any personal experience type related thread.

So I then just, for the most part, stick to 2-3 liners and tongue-in-cheek/leg-pulling comments to instigate the other poster to type up a whole paragraph to convince me other wise to which, as you guessed it, disregard completely. And so it goes on...

These types of threads are my favorites in Time Pass, sadly there aren't many of them usually.

 

[endymion248]

I think you missed the part about my extended relatives having vested interests. Most of their comments are driven by selfish vested interests. They have a huge hoard, line of around 28-32 year old avg looking girls in their families for whom they have not been successful enough in finding any Rishta's. They make excuses oh there is a very small Pakistani community in Canada and in the US where it's much harder to find suitable guys but i have also seen many decent to good looking Pakistani origin girls who easily get married off by the age of 22-23 so it is clear where the problem lies. Their comments are part of a strategy to force my parents to look at all the struggling girls in their families and are not necessarily driven in reality. It is so pathetically obvious and clear that sometimes i wonder don't they feel ashamed about how desperate they are coming across.

I am no prince charming, i dont profess to match up to every single girls standards out there. But i have a simple question, why is it ok and cool for a girl to reject guys on the basis of looks but when a guy does it, he gets to be called shallow, picky and a jerk? Isn't that hypocricy?

I have only put myself out there in the last 5-6 months and i don't think any self respecting person would want a situation where they settled for something much lesser than they could have actually gotten. A guy who is a 7/10 shouldn't settle for someone way less under pressure.

They are harsh calling you picky but, from their perspective, it must be that you are rejecting valid matches since nobody will think that their daughters are not good enough. The girls who get married off at 22-23 also do with people their age or slightly older, generally.

I'd say that guys get to be a lot more picky than girls since girls are more pressured into getting married.

Anyways, hope you find your 7+/10.

 

[AlphaFighter]

They are harsh calling you picky but, from their perspective, it must be that you are rejecting valid matches since nobody will think that their daughters are not good enough. The girls who get married off at 22-23 also do with people their age or slightly older, generally.

I'd say that guys get to be a lot more picky than girls since girls are more pressured into getting married.

Anyways, hope you find your 7+/10.

I think parents are deluded when these daughters are as overweight as Yokozona in wwf and if they feel they are valid matches for most modern guys.

Sent from my SM-G925W8 using Tapatalk

 

[endymion248]

I think parents are deluded when these daughters are as overweight as Yokozona in wwf and if they feel they are valid matches for most modern guys.

Sent from my SM-G925W8 using Tapatalk

Then you should ask them to pay their daughter's weight in gold in jaheez, that ought to keep them away

 

[Slog]

[MENTION=78116]Tera Gawaandi[/MENTION]

any thoughts on this topic?

 

[Slog]

More than age difference, you should consider other factors also, its all about understanding. In my case (arranged marriage), our hobbies dont match at all. My wife is Libran women who loves to interact with people. Whereas me Scorpion male is bit conservative and shy. She hates me every time I sit in front of PC. Difference of opinion continues to food, dress, family functions, friends circle, exercise, haircut, TV, sports!!!!! Sometimes I do feel my life is ruined and I'm responsible for her sadness too. Before marrying anyone please try to know her better. Iif you are not happy mentally then it will surely impact your desire and ability to show affection. Trust me these small small things have led to my parents illness, my dad is heart patient now whereas mom is depressed. We have also applied for Canada Federal visa and expected to land in Vancouver in approx 6 months. I dont know what will happen to marriage once we are away from parents. Btw we both are religious, modern trends have no role in our relationship decline, it seems we are not made for each other.

ok so this is the post i was talking about in the other thread (where you say you are married.)

I guess it seems that it didn't last. Happens. Hope both are well and happy.

 

[endymion248]

ok so this is the post i was talking about in the other thread (where you say you are married.)

I guess it seems that it didn't last. Happens. Hope both are well and happy.

So, more than age difference, it's about horoscope difference. One should only marry within +2 -2 months of their date of birth.

 

[Tera Gawaandi]

ok so this is the post i was talking about in the other thread (where you say you are married.)

I guess it seems that it didn't last. Happens. Hope both are well and happy.

Yeah we separated and divorced. That's why I don't even consider myself married, that marriage was a sham.

 

[Savak]

15 years age gap. Not quite Imran Khan's record ie 22 years age gap that also with a foreigner or Shoaib Akhtar's record ie 19 years but then again those guys didn't end up getting hitched with someone below 20 either.

Anyways, it's possible

 

[PakLFC]

Ladies mature much faster then men do. If the lady who should be younger is happy with the age difference then it should not matter. Up to 20 years is okay coz men age much slower then ladies do.

 

[Captain caveman]

More than age difference, its personalities that will decide whether a marriagebis successful or not.
However, the larger the age gap, the more diffcult it gets for the husband and wife to be compatible because you are from different generations which usually means different mindsets and attitudes to life, not to mention having different interests.

 

[Bhaijaan]

My current girlfriend last week complained that she's daddy's angel who's not getting properly pampered by me.

Your Bhaijaan reminded him that he was in fact the younger one and hence reserves the right to be pampered.

Never mess with logic.

Always one step ahead.

 

[WhenSultansBowled]

15 years age gap. Not quite Imran Khan's record ie 22 years age gap that also with a foreigner or Shoaib Akhtar's record ie 19 years but then again those guys didn't end up getting hitched with someone below 20 either.

Anyways, it's possible

Of course it's possible. You just have to find the right person for you.

Anyways, in Hollywood you can find some huge age differences as well.
DiCaprio will set new records! Mark my words!
He keeps getting older whilst all his girlfriends remain in 20~25 years old range.

 

[andy0204]

My wish is to get married with girl older than me.