Do I need to break my engagement?

[Afhan Ali]

I am a 23 years old boy and I am depressed since 2017 because of only 1 reason "The engagement"

I am not happy with it from day one but I am bound in it because of society and family.

I am suffering from depression because I am unable to forgive my own mistake of engagement ( Yes engagement was my own mistake and ego )

My fience and her family are Innocent ( they still don't know about my unhappiness ) and If I break that engagement, She and her family will suffer from it because our society( Pathan society) don't tell much to boy but instead they will blame girl.

Another matter is
I love my cusion (she is also the cusion of my fience), I can't think of my future happiness without her.

If I break the engagement, I will still be unable to merry my love because both girls are also cusions.

I never done anything wrong, both families love and respect me.

Now what should I do?

Is I need to tell my fience about my situation and reality?

Is I need to break my engagement?

Will God forgive me if I break this engagement?

She and family will ever forgive me?

Please give me some suggestions
[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] , [MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION], [MENTION=93712]MenInG[/MENTION]

I am very sad about my own decision.

 

[Slog]

Maybe I’m being paranoid but it seems like OP is specifically making some spelling mistakes and some structure mistakes for whatever reason because the rest of his English is largely fine. For example some sentence structure is followed but ‘cusions’ and ‘merry’ which are basic words are incorrect. I’ve seen many poorly written pieces and this is almost like the initial version was fine but then tampered with. Very bizarre.

Anyways on topic.

Begin with telling your siblings and then parents and see what their reaction is. See the reaction, response and likely support from within the immediate family before going public with it.

Also you day you don’t want to punish the girl for no reason of her own by breaking off the engagement. Isn’t it punishing her by marrying her when you had no intention to be invested in the marriage since the first day.

 

[Syed1]

Cousin* Fiance* Marry*

 

[kk1992]

“Will God forgive me if I break this engagement”

Why are you confusing culture with Islam?

 

[Rana]

Bro if you are not happy then break it off. Its better to break off an engagement than getting a divorce after Nikkah.

 

[Rana]

“Will God forgive me if I break this engagement”

Why are you confusing culture with Islam?

He is worried about breaking the girl's heart and her family may have to face embarresment. He is perfectly entitled to feel worried about this from a spiritual perspective that his personal to him.

 

[kk1992]

He is worried about breaking the girl's heart and her family may have to face embarresment. He is perfectly entitled to feel worried about this from a spiritual perspective that his personal to him.

Sorry, It has nothing to do with Islam.

 

[Rana]

Sorry, It has nothing to do with Islam.

Why dont you understan his point of view? He is afraid that he will upset God if it creates disharmony for his innocent in-laws who out of their sincerity and kindness have agreed this relationship to him.

Stop being so rigid, its a personal thing for him and you cannot tell him that it has nothing to do with Islam.

 

[kk1992]

Why dont you understan his point of view? He is afraid that he will upset God if it creates disharmony for his innocent in-laws who out of their sincerity and kindness have agreed this relationship to him.

Stop being so rigid, its a personal thing for him and you cannot tell him that it has nothing to do with Islam.

I do understand his point of view and I believe he is wrong to believe that it has anything to do with Islam and upsetting God if he were to speak the truth.

It has everything to do with culture.

 

[Mamoon]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

 

[srh]

2 marriages will solve the problem; but you have to be just among them

 

[Afhan Ali]

Maybe I’m being paranoid but it seems like OP is specifically making some spelling mistakes and some structure mistakes for whatever reason because the rest of his English is largely fine. For example some sentence structure is followed but ‘cusions’ and ‘merry’ which are basic words are incorrect. I’ve seen many poorly written pieces and this is almost like the initial version was fine but then tampered with. Very bizarre.

Anyways on topic.

Begin with telling your siblings and then parents and see what their reaction is. See the reaction, response and likely support from within the immediate family before going public with it.

Also you day you don’t want to punish the girl for no reason of her own by breaking off the engagement. Isn’t it punishing her by marrying her when you had no intention to be invested in the marriage since the first day.

I am just not good enough as for as English speaking and writing is concerned.
I lost a lot of marks during my studies (exams) because of spelling mistakes.
So sorry about this.

 

[Afhan Ali]

“Will God forgive me if I break this engagement”

Why are you confusing culture with Islam?

Because I am living in this society, If I go for my wishes, my family, she and her family well suffer.

If were living in Western society breaking engagement would not have been an issue either.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Cousin* Fiance* Marry*

English writing and speaking is my weakness so that is why.........

 

[Itachi]

you are just 23 years old. I would say, break off the engagement. It's better to do it now than later when it will hurt more than now.

When you spend time, in many cases, you start to like that person. So there's a chance that you will feel connection with your fiance too down the lane. But if you won't, she will be in a messy situation with no fault of her own.

Breaking off something will always have its downs with hurting other people. But sometimes, its better to do it early than later. It will save lots of heartache.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Because I am living in this society, If I go for my wishes, my family, she and her family well suffer.

If were living in Western society breaking engagement would not have been an issue either.

Will*

 

[Savak]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

This has to be the craziest feedback possible, his poor fiance does not deserve to be with a guy who admits to being unhappy and depressed, that girl deserves to be with someone who genuinely is interested in marrying her and has some fondness for her. Better to end it now rather than being in an unhappy marriage and destroying two lives.

 

[Itachi]

Because I am living in this society, If I go for my wishes, my family, she and her family well suffer.

If were living in Western society breaking engagement would not have been an issue either.

these are short lived and temporary. If you will marry her, you will feel her as "burden" for the rest of your life. Think of, how she will feel if she reads your these words? It will be a shatter to self confidence which will take years to overcome (if she is strong).

 

[Afhan Ali]

I do understand his point of view and I believe he is wrong to believe that it has anything to do with Islam and upsetting God if he were to speak the truth.

It has everything to do with culture.

Yes everything is related to culture I know this because if were living in other society I could have break the engagement easily.

But breaking some innocent hearts is related to GOD, isn't?

 

[Kroll]

Best thing to do would be to confide in your family. This might be difficult to do but this way you can all work things out together on the best way forward without just turning around and saying you don't want to go ahead with the marriage.

Listening to random guys on the Internet can give you some ideas but you should also seek professional help for your depression.

Best of luck brother, hope you find peace and happiness iA.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

I am a 23 years old boy and I am depressed since 2017 because of only 1 reason "The engagement"

I am not happy with it from day one but I am bound in it because of society and family.

I am suffering from depression because I am unable to forgive my own mistake of engagement ( Yes engagement was my own mistake and ego )

My fience and her family are Innocent ( they still don't know about my unhappiness ) and If I break that engagement, She and her family will suffer from it because our society( Pathan society) don't tell much to boy but instead they will blame girl.

Another matter is
I love my cusion (she is also the cusion of my fience), I can't think of my future happiness without her.

If I break the engagement, I will still be unable to merry my love because both girls are also cusions.

I never done anything wrong, both families love and respect me.

Now what should I do?

Is I need to tell my fience about my situation and reality?

Is I need to break my engagement?

Will God forgive me if I break this engagement?

She and family will ever forgive me?

Please give me some suggestions
[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] , [MENTION=131701]Mamoon[/MENTION], [MENTION=93712]MenInG[/MENTION]

I am very sad about my own decision.

"Will God forgive me if I break this engagement?"

Perhaps God will ask questions as to why did you not follow the advice of our prophet (saw) which encourages us to get married with the person you are happy with.

We don't know what future holds but there is a high probability that you will ruin her life, and the life of your kids. And you will also live an unhappy life for yourself.

Remember, when parents don't like each other, kids suffer severely.

IMO, you want to end this engagement NOT because you will be getting married to the other girl you are now in love with, but more importantly, you don't wanna destroy your current fiance's life.

 

[Afhan Ali]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

I am always thinking about this

Parents do everything for child happiness but if a child embarrassed their name in society, this would be heartbroken for parents.

My parents do know about my situation they also want to do something for my happiness but they are unable.

If I break the engagement they will be embarrassed in the society.

I think their respect is more important than my happiness

 

[imrankhannsu]

I also agree with Kroll that you should discuss with your own relatives. But you cannot keep everyone happy with what ever decision you take.

If you love someone else who also loves you back and cant live without each other then you have to grow a pair tell your respective families. Yes there will be alot of arguments and disappointment but give it a few years and it will all be ok. I just hope the people you disappointed are not into honour killing

If you dont have the courage and are too scared about other people feelings then get married and eventually build a new life around your current fiance.

TBH the choice is yours and may Allah help you moving forward

PS: if you are going to write to people, I suggest you do your spell check

 

[Afhan Ali]

Best thing to do would be to confide in your family. This might be difficult to do but this way you can all work things out together on the best way forward without just turning around and saying you don't want to go ahead with the marriage.

Listening to random guys on the Internet can give you some ideas but you should also seek professional help for your depression.

Best of luck brother, hope you find peace and happiness iA.

My family know about this issue they have only solution " pray for your happiness"

 

[Mamoon]

I am always thinking about this

Parents do everything for child happiness but if a child embarrassed their name in society, this would be heartbroken for parents.

My parents do know about my situation they also want to do something for my happiness but they are unable.

If I break the engagement they will be embarrassed in the society.

I think their respect is more important than my happiness

Yes it is. Don’t burden yourself with their embarrassment. You will regret it one day.

 

[kk1992]

Yes everything is related to culture I know this because if were living in other society I could have break the engagement easily.

But breaking some innocent hearts is related to GOD, isn't?

How is being honest to someone about your feelings, particularly in the case of hoping to spend the rest of your life with, is disobeying God?

I just wanted to highlight this part, In Islam, you are encouraged to marry someone you are in love with.

Being honest to your parents is not going against Islam, no matter what anyone says.

Your Job is to make them understand why you feel the way you feel and that is their is no shame in breaking an engagement, it happens everyday in Pakistan.

But that does not mean after getting married you can't fall in love with the person you are married to.

Important question, does the other person even know that you like/love her?

 

[pakistanisgreat]

English writing and speaking is my weakness so that is why.........

You do not have to response to ignorant posts. You are not in English class. We all understood your question and problem.

I would say talk to your elder brother/sister. Ask for their opinion. You know that if you break this engagement then you would not be able to marry the girl whom you love so why would you want to break?

Second do the istakhara.

 

[Mamoon]

This has to be the craziest feedback possible, his poor fiance does not deserve to be with a guy who admits to being unhappy and depressed, that girl deserves to be with someone who genuinely is interested in marrying her and has some fondness for her. Better to end it now rather than being in an unhappy marriage and destroying two lives.

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you will be happy with her after marriage, and just because you do not love someone yet it doesn’t mean that you will be unhappy with her after marriage.

Happiness after marriage is facilitated with trust and compromise.

What if he breaks his engagement now, marries the girl he loves but finds himself unhappy after marriage? Where will he go?

Arranged marriages are still the most common form of marriage in Pakistan, which means that majority of men and women do not end up marrying their loves.

 

[kk1992]

I am always thinking about this

Parents do everything for child happiness but if a child embarrassed their name in society, this would be heartbroken for parents.

My parents do know about my situation they also want to do something for my happiness but they are unable.

If I break the engagement they will be embarrassed in the society.

I think their respect is more important than my happiness

I think, the girls life and the future kids you will have, is more important than your parents temporary happiness.

But, again, you can fall in love with anyone over anything.

 

[Afhan Ali]

How is being honest to someone about your feelings, particularly in the case of hoping to spend the rest of your life with, is disobeying God?

I just wanted to highlight this part, In Islam, you are encouraged to marry someone you are in love with.

Being honest to your parents is not going against Islam, no matter what anyone says.

Your Job is to make them understand why you feel the way you feel and that is their is no shame in breaking an engagement, it happens everyday in Pakistan.

But that does not mean after getting married you can't fall in love with the person you are married to.

Important question, does the other person even know that you like/love her?

I don't tell her about my feeling because she is our mutual cousin. If I were single she could have understand my feeling but now she must be confused.

 

[Afhan Ali]

How is being honest to someone about your feelings, particularly in the case of hoping to spend the rest of your life with, is disobeying God?

I just wanted to highlight this part, In Islam, you are encouraged to marry someone you are in love with.

Being honest to your parents is not going against Islam, no matter what anyone says.

Your Job is to make them understand why you feel the way you feel and that is their is no shame in breaking an engagement, it happens everyday in Pakistan.

But that does not mean after getting married you can't fall in love with the person you are married to.

Important question, does the other person even know that you like/love her?

My parents know about my situation but they are unable to do anything, breaking engagement is not very common in villages of KPK

 

[kk1992]

Hypothetical question.

What if you get married, you aren't happy in that marriage (hope it will never come to that), but you get divorced.

Whose izzat gets ruined, your parents, yours, girl you are married to, or you girls parents.

and which one is worse, breaking off an engagement or getting divorce?

 

[Afhan Ali]

You do not have to response to ignorant posts. You are not in English class. We all understood your question and problem.

I would say talk to your elder brother/sister. Ask for their opinion. You know that if you break this engagement then you would not be able to marry the girl whom you love so why would you want to break?

Second do the istakhara.

I do talk to my parents

Yes if I break the engagement I would still be unable to marry the girl whom I love, that is why I didn't break as well as it will hurt other people also.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Hypothetical question.

What if you get married, you aren't happy in that marriage (hope it will never come to that), but you get divorced.

Whose izzat gets ruined, your parents, yours, girl you are married to, or you girls parents.

and which one is worse, breaking off an engagement or getting divorce?

This is the big question yes.

If I do break the engagement I will still be unable to marry the girl whom I love because they are both cousins of each other.

If I break my engagement without marrying that girl ( that I love) then no happiness either.

So that is why I still do not done anything because at least the girl and her family are very happy with the engagement.

 

[Halaribo]

Forget you, your family, your izzat and whatever messed up notion you have of your faith or culture.

Don't condemn some innocent girl to a life of misery. That's the only thing that's of relevance here.

Also, you come across as a troll.

 

[pakistanisgreat]

I do talk to my parents

Yes if I break the engagement I would still be unable to marry the girl whom I love, that is why I didn't break as well as it will hurt other people also.

Are they your relatives? If you guys are related to each other? if not then speak to your parents about it and see if you guys can break this engagement. Breaking the engagement is not bad as the divorce.

However, if the girl has no fault or anything then stick to it.
My personal opinion about love at this age is nothing but desire. (It is just my opinion),

 

[Afhan Ali]

Are they your relatives? If you guys are related to each other? if not then speak to your parents about it and see if you guys can break this engagement. Breaking the engagement is not bad as the divorce.

However, if the girl has no fault or anything then stick to it.
My personal opinion about love at this age is nothing but desire. (It is just my opinion),

The girl whom I love is my uncle ( Mamo ) daughter and to which I am engaged is her cousin ( the mother of one girl is sister of other girl father)

 

[Afhan Ali]

Are they your relatives? If you guys are related to each other? if not then speak to your parents about it and see if you guys can break this engagement. Breaking the engagement is not bad as the divorce.

However, if the girl has no fault or anything then stick to it.
My personal opinion about love at this age is nothing but desire. (It is just my opinion),

I will tell it in Urdu

Dono larkiyan ak dosre ke mamo aur phopho ki baitiyan heen.

 

[Ryw]

Cousin marriage seriously, its 2020 buddy, a little bit google search before you marry her. You dont want to be depressed all your life with your kids. Why are you taking that risk. Read books regarding this issue, practically observe folks in your relatives neighborhood. Good luck

 

[PakLFC]

Don't marry your fiance who you regret getting engaged too for the sake of your ego neither your cousin who you claim to live when the two ladies themselves are related. As you are only 23 have plenty of time to find the love of your life. I am afraid you have to choose between breaking your fiance's heart or marrying someone you don't have feelings for. Can't make an omelette without breaking eggs! I am a great opponent and critic of cousin marriages.

 

[Pakistanian]

You're a 23 year old man not a boy, you have to decide what's best for you and your family.

 

[Savak]

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you will be happy with her after marriage, and just because you do not love someone yet it doesn’t mean that you will be unhappy with her after marriage.

Happiness after marriage is facilitated with trust and compromise.

What if he breaks his engagement now, marries the girl he loves but finds himself unhappy after marriage? Where will he go?

Arranged marriages are still the most common form of marriage in Pakistan, which means that majority of men and women do not end up marrying their loves.

I am thinking from his fiance's perspective, would she be happy marrying a guy who is not interested but is being pressurized by his family? Does she know the guy is depressed? Arent you an advocate of leaving all cards on the table immediately?

 

[KingKhanWC]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

Expats seem to understand much more of Pakistan than you do and I would say the same in this particular issue.

@OP, don't listen to this rubbish.

Your parents do not own you, you are only obliged to be kind and look after them. They have no right to tell you who to spend your life with.

If you are struggling with depression it will only get worse if you marry this person.

Tell you parents you worries, issues and mental health is suffering. If they love you they will stop the marriage, if they don't stop the marriage, leave and enjoy your life.

 

[Mamoon]

Expats seem to understand much more of Pakistan than you do and I would say the same in this particular issue.

@OP, don't listen to this rubbish.

Your parents do not own you, you are only obliged to be kind and look after them. They have no right to tell you who to spend your life with.

If you are struggling with depression it will only get worse if you marry Tell you parents you worries, issues and mental health is suffering. If they love you they will stop the marriage, if they don't stop the marriage, leave and enjoy your life.

Judging by your post, you clearly do not have the slightest idea of the society he lives in. Remember, these things differ from culture to culture as well. In our part of Pakistan, a marriage is not just between a man and a woman. It is also between the man’s family and the woman’s family.

If you do not want to marry a person, make sure that you tell your parents beforehand. Once you get engaged, then it is no longer about your and your fiancée/fiancé’s happiness only. Now you have to consider the implications on your families as well and how they are going to face their other relatives and friends etc.

You can it wrong or backwards, but that is how it is. That is why most us go through the marriage even if we are not entirely happy, but the divorce rate is low because we learn to compromise. If the OP does not care about how his family is going to be looked upon and how they are going to slander the girl and come up with all sorts of rumors, then he should go ahead and do what he wants.

 

[Mamoon]

I am thinking from his fiance's perspective, would she be happy marrying a guy who is not interested but is being pressurized by his family? Does she know the guy is depressed? Arent you an advocate of leaving all cards on the table immediately?

Look, if he is willing to go through with the marriage in order to spare his family from embarrassment and also to protect the dignity of his fiancée, then there is no reason for him to leave all the cards on the table. If he is committed to making this marriage work anyway, there is no reason for him to reveal all of this to his fiancée.

However, if he has made his mind up that he is going to put an end to this engagement, then his obliged to reveal everything to his fiancée and explain/justify the reasons to her and her family.

 

[owais1]

Judging by your post, you clearly do not have the slightest idea of the society he lives in. Remember, these things differ from culture to culture as well. In our part of Pakistan, a marriage is not just between a man and a woman. It is also between the man’s family and the woman’s family.

If you do not want to marry a person, make sure that you tell your parents beforehand. Once you get engaged, then it is no longer about your and your fiancée/fiancé’s happiness only. Now you have to consider the implications on your families as well and how they are going to face their other relatives and friends etc.

You can it wrong or backwards, but that is how it is. That is why most us go through the marriage even if we are not entirely happy, but the divorce rate is low because we learn to compromise. If the OP does not care about how his family is going to be looked upon and how they are going to slander the girl and come up with all sorts of rumors, then he should go ahead and do what he wants.

It is your islamic right to choose a partner whom we want to marry ourselves. You can't turn away from your rights, just because it is something that doesnt fit in our culture.

 

[pakistanisgreat]

It is your islamic right to choose a partner whom we want to marry ourselves. You can't turn away from your rights, just because it is something that doesnt fit in our culture.

Yes it is true that that's your right to marry whom you want. However, OP's case is different. As he stated that " he will not be able to marry whom he loves if he breaks this engagement since those girls are cousins.

 

[pakistanisgreat]

As op said he will suffer whether he marry her or break this engagement. In either case he will suffer, therefore, i would day marry her.

 

[troodon]

Break it now if you are not interested in the girl. The pain will be temporary for the Girls parents and your parents.

If you go through with this, you will be unhappy and it will eventually boil out in the open and the parents will be unhappy anyway when they come to know about your unhappiness.

Do yourself a favor and cancel the engagement before its too late.

 

[Savak]

Look, if he is willing to go through with the marriage in order to spare his family from embarrassment and also to protect the dignity of his fiancée, then there is no reason for him to leave all the cards on the table. If he is committed to making this marriage work anyway, there is no reason for him to reveal all of this to his fiancée.

However, if he has made his mind up that he is going to put an end to this engagement, then his obliged to reveal everything to his fiancée and explain/justify the reasons to her and her family.

This is what he needs to do. Even if the truth will bring short term pain, embarrassment and controversy, it is much better than wrecking another persons life in the long run.

 

[KingKhanWC]

Judging by your post, you clearly do not have the slightest idea of the society he lives in. Remember, these things differ from culture to culture as well. In our part of Pakistan, a marriage is not just between a man and a woman. It is also between the man’s family and the woman’s family.

If you do not want to marry a person, make sure that you tell your parents beforehand. Once you get engaged, then it is no longer about your and your fiancée/fiancé’s happiness only. Now you have to consider the implications on your families as well and how they are going to face their other relatives and friends etc.

You can it wrong or backwards, but that is how it is. That is why most us go through the marriage even if we are not entirely happy, but the divorce rate is low because we learn to compromise. If the OP does not care about how his family is going to be looked upon and how they are going to slander the girl and come up with all sorts of rumors, then he should go ahead and do what he wants.

Your part of Pakistan is backward, not really something which should be used to justify someone marrying he doesn't want to.

OP or anyone should not be held hostage to his freedom and future life because of how others might feel. If he is suffering from depression while only being engaged, how will he be after marriage? Easy to say he will grow up but you claim to be doctor and you are advising to continue down a path which has caused his mental problems.

Don't worry those who contemplate marrying to please their family, usually do even when knowing they will not be happy.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Don't marry your fiance who you regret getting engaged too for the sake of your ego neither your cousin who you claim to live when the two ladies themselves are related. As you are only 23 have plenty of time to find the love of your life. I am afraid you have to choose between breaking your fiance's heart or marrying someone you don't have feelings for. Can't make an omelette without breaking eggs! I am a great opponent and critic of cousin marriages.

My cousin is the love of my life since 2017

I never feel like this for anyone except my cousin and I may never feel the same for any other girl forever.

 

[humzy]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

Except when they pass away you will still be with a person you never wanted to be with. This will end in divorce anyway, why would you jump into something that you are not interested in, especially if it has grave consequences for your future.

To the young man I would say take your time, you are still a baby. Marriage should come a bit later.

 

[humzy]

My cousin is the love of my life since 2017

I never feel like this for anyone except my cousin and I may never feel the same for any other girl forever.

Marrying a cousin can impact your children, they are more likely to come out disabled or have down syndrome, think carefully about this.

 

[161]

Pick an option:

1. Broken engagement
2. Divorce with no children
3. Divorce with children
4. Unhappy life married to someone you don't like.

The choice should be obvious.

 

[sweep_shot]

If you are not happy, why did you choose to get engaged? Fault is entirely with you here.

You are putting the lady in a bad position.

Maybe don't break the engagement. Give it some time.

 

[AamchiMumbaikar]

Call it off. If possible try to settle down in a place far from KPK post your marriage with your loved one.

 

[blackanhyellow]

Posters here are clearly oblivious to the culture and society the OP resides in.

Whether you think the region is backwards while sitting in the UK, is not relevant to this thread.

Why give advice when you don't know what you are talking about in the context of the OP's societal norms?

OP admits that it was his choice to get engaged, which means he had a choice. No one forced him. Now he he has another set of choices to make.

People do not understand what the girl's family will go through if he decides to break off this engagement.

So it is not a straightforward decision like people are making it out to be.

The girl will literally have a harder time finding a rishta within her community. She will be forced to look towards other communities, which is in itself a big deal in Pashtun culture. She will be blamed for the broken engagement. Essentially people will say that the boy found out something about her, perhaps her past or something sinister, which is why he broke the engagement. People will talk, and her family will be humiliated. In such a society where honor means everything, this is an extremely tough situation to put someone in.

The way I see it, the OP cant marry the girl he likes anyways, as if he breaks this engagement, then the girl he likes wont want to marry him anyway as she is his fiance's cousin.

So if he has to live a loveless life, why not attempt to make it work with his fiance?

 

[CricketCartoons]

Can't you marry both, the innocent girl and the one you like?

 

[blackanhyellow]

Judging by your post, you clearly do not have the slightest idea of the society he lives in. Remember, these things differ from culture to culture as well. In our part of Pakistan, a marriage is not just between a man and a woman. It is also between the man’s family and the woman’s family.

If you do not want to marry a person, make sure that you tell your parents beforehand. Once you get engaged, then it is no longer about your and your fiancée/fiancé’s happiness only. Now you have to consider the implications on your families as well and how they are going to face their other relatives and friends etc.

You can it wrong or backwards, but that is how it is. That is why most us go through the marriage even if we are not entirely happy, but the divorce rate is low because we learn to compromise. If the OP does not care about how his family is going to be looked upon and how they are going to slander the girl and come up with all sorts of rumors, then he should go ahead and do what he wants.

This.

I live in Canada now, but am from KPK so I understand the societal constructs there.

People born and raised in the UK will not understand. Giving advice from a westerner's perspective in regards to marriage is not helpful. Marriage (even among Muslims living in Western society) is viewed differently in the West. Concepts of honor, family ties, etc.. are also viewed differently.

Advice such as "Move out of your parents house and get your own place so you can live your own life" are Western ideologies and are not going to be helpful to most people in places like KPK where traditional societal norms dictate how you live your life.

A person born in the UK may think its backwards, but it is the way of life there.

 

[humzy]

Posters here are clearly oblivious to the culture and society the OP resides in.

Whether you think the region is backwards while sitting in the UK, is not relevant to this thread.

Why give advice when you don't know what you are talking about in the context of the OP's societal norms?

OP admits that it was his choice to get engaged, which means he had a choice. No one forced him. Now he he has another set of choices to make.

People do not understand what the girl's family will go through if he decides to break off this engagement.

So it is not a straightforward decision like people are making it out to be.

The girl will literally have a harder time finding a rishta within her community. She will be forced to look towards other communities, which is in itself a big deal in Pashtun culture. She will be blamed for the broken engagement. Essentially people will say that the boy found out something about her, perhaps her past or something sinister, which is why he broke the engagement. People will talk, and her family will be humiliated. In such a society where honor means everything, this is an extremely tough situation to put someone in.

The way I see it, the OP cant marry the girl he likes anyways, as if he breaks this engagement, then the girl he likes wont want to marry him anyway as she is his fiance's cousin.

So if he has to live a loveless life, why not attempt to make it work with his fiance?

I am well aware of Pakistani culture, my parents are Pakistani born and so are all my cousins.

I have experience around this because I have been surrounded by unhappy marriages my whole life.

These people didn't get divorced due to cultural pressures and it is not a great ending.

The kids are effected by being in a loveless family and the parents resent each other and tend to use the kids to manipulate each partner.

This culture of saving face is sickly.

 

[blackanhyellow]

I am well aware of Pakistani culture, my parents are Pakistani born and so are all my cousins.

I have experience around this because I have been surrounded by unhappy marriages my whole life.

These people didn't get divorced due to cultural pressures and it is not a great ending.

The kids are effected by being in a loveless family and the parents resent each other and tend to use the kids to manipulate each partner.

This culture of saving face is sickly.

Like I said, what you think is sickly or backwards is not helpful to the OP.

He would need to live in Australia for decades to adopt the mindset you have.

However he lives in KPK, and you can tell from his post that he is genuinely aggrieved at having to put his fiance in a situation that will be hard for her.

Also, lets not pretend western culture is perfect either.

Is it not sickly how astronomical the divorce rates are in the West? Leaving kids with broken families or absentee fathers. Or family views in general, where the only time people visit their parents is on special occasions and holidays. Is that progress? Is that the views of marriage Pakistanis should aspire to attain?

 

[Itachi]

I am well aware of Pakistani culture, my parents are Pakistani born and so are all my cousins.

I have experience around this because I have been surrounded by unhappy marriages my whole life.

These people didn't get divorced due to cultural pressures and it is not a great ending.

The kids are effected by being in a loveless family and the parents resent each other and tend to use the kids to manipulate each partner.

This culture of saving face is sickly.

I agree. Not only Pakistan but this issue is prevalent in Indian society and I am sure that it won't be different for other Desi societies too. "log kya kahenge?"

One of my friend got arranged marriage. The husband cheated on her. She left the house and was staying alone. But in the end, it was HER own family who put so much emotional pressure that she again went back to her husband. His cheating going on and they are living like roommates now. But in the society, they are living as happy couple.

 

[humzy]

Like I said, what you think is sickly or backwards is not helpful to the OP.

He would need to live in Australia for decades to adopt the mindset you have.

However he lives in KPK, and you can tell from his post that he is genuinely aggrieved at having to put his fiance in a situation that will be hard for her.

Also, lets not pretend western culture is perfect either.

Is it not sickly how astronomical the divorce rates are in the West? Leaving kids with broken families or absentee fathers. Or family views in general, where the only time people visit their parents is on special occasions and holidays. Is that progress? Is that the views of marriage Pakistanis should aspire to attain?

A divorced family is better than a broken family that's still together. Trust me, I am talking from experience.

 

[blackanhyellow]

I agree. Not only Pakistan but this issue is prevalent in Indian society and I am sure that it won't be different for other Desi societies too. "log kya kahenge?"

One of my friend got arranged marriage. The husband cheated on her. She left the house and was staying alone. But in the end, it was HER own family who put so much emotional pressure that she again went back to her husband. His cheating going on and they are living like roommates now. But in the society, they are living as happy couple.

Desi culture definitely has its flaws.

But like I mentioned in a previous post, Western culture (in terms of family dynamics, views on marriage, etc... also has many flaws).

I knew girls in highschool ages 14 or 15 who had a baby with their boyfriends, only for their boyfriends to break up with them in a year.

There's so many cases of broken homes, where the father is out of the picture because he decided he wanted to live his life on his own terms and follow his heart with no regard for his responsibilities because log to kuch nahi kehte West mein.

Divorce rates are something like 50%. The psychological toll it takes on kids is tremendous. Which is then fixed by sending them to years of therapy and over medicating them.

I can go on and on about this.

Desi culture has flaws, but Desis fail to realize that Western culture only looks rosy in the movies. In reality there is a lot wrong with it as well.

 

[blackanhyellow]

A divorced family is better than a broken family that's still together. Trust me, I am talking from experience.

So divorce rates of 50% are the solution?

People where I live thought high divorce rates are a problem, so a growing percentage of people are just not getting married anymore. Just live together and have kids. Then when they decide they want to seperate do so. Because hey what is better than divorce? Not to get married at all.

This is the living for yourself attitude, the polar opposite of log kya kehenge. Its log toh kuch bhi nahi kehenge.

Like I said, Western ideologies are not going to help the OP, otherwise I would suggest having a live-in relationship with the girl he likes, so that there is no chance of divorce and there is no chance of living an unfulfilled life (as per Western standards).

 

[humzy]

So divorce rates of 50% are the solution?

People where I live thought high divorce rates are a problem, so a growing percentage of people are just not getting married anymore. Just live together and have kids. Then when they decide they want to seperate do so. Because hey what is better than divorce? Not to get married at all.

This is the living for yourself attitude, the polar opposite of log kya kehenge. Its log toh kuch bhi nahi kehenge.

Like I said, Western ideologies are not going to help the OP, otherwise I would suggest having a live-in relationship with the girl he likes, so that there is no chance of divorce and there is no chance of living an unfulfilled life (as per Western standards).

So marrying someone you don't want to is the solution?

 

[humzy]

So divorce rates of 50% are the solution?

People where I live thought high divorce rates are a problem, so a growing percentage of people are just not getting married anymore. Just live together and have kids. Then when they decide they want to seperate do so. Because hey what is better than divorce? Not to get married at all.

This is the living for yourself attitude, the polar opposite of log kya kehenge. Its log toh kuch bhi nahi kehenge.

Like I said, Western ideologies are not going to help the OP, otherwise I would suggest having a live-in relationship with the girl he likes, so that there is no chance of divorce and there is no chance of living an unfulfilled life (as per Western standards).

It's the unfortunate side effect of freedom.

When there is less societal pressure than people can do what they really feel.

There is less pressure to get married and less pressure to have kids and less pressure to stay in an unhappy marriage.

These are all good problems to have because it means societal freedoms are increasing.

The morality aspect of it is something that needs to be worked on, for example education on the value of having kids and getting marriage or the value of working on your marriage if there are issues.

 

[blackanhyellow]

So marrying someone you don't want to is the solution?

Being a man and sticking to your commitments is a virtue.

He was not forced to marry her. He chose to. Once you choose to do something, you have to be willing to live with the consequences if you dont fulfill that commitment.

So he can choose to end the engagement. However, he will upset his family, he will feel guilty, and he will bring harm to the girl in a significant way.

This is the way of life there. Marriage isnt between two people, its between two families.

I am not saying it is superior to Western ideology. I am simply saying that Western ideology should not be used to give advice to the OP.

It wont help him if you tell him to move out of his parents house and live on his own with the love of his life and not to care what his family thinks of him.

He is not programmed that way, the same way people born in the west dont care what others think.

Its a different philosophy on life.

OP needs advice from someone that understands his culture.

 

[humzy]

Being a man and sticking to your commitments is a virtue.

He was not forced to marry her. He chose to. Once you choose to do something, you have to be willing to live with the consequences if you dont fulfill that commitment.

So he can choose to end the engagement. However, he will upset his family, he will feel guilty, and he will bring harm to the girl in a significant way.

This is the way of life there. Marriage isnt between two people, its between two families.

I am not saying it is superior to Western ideology. I am simply saying that Western ideology should not be used to give advice to the OP.

It wont help him if you tell him to move out of his parents house and live on his own with the love of his life and not to care what his family thinks of him.

He is not programmed that way, the same way people born in the west dont care what others think.

Its a different philosophy on life.

OP needs advice from someone that understands his culture.

A good man knows when he has made a mistake and has the ability to rectify it, not to be driven by their ego to run into oblivion.

 

[CricketCartoons]

Being a man and sticking to your commitments is a virtue.

OP needs advice from someone that understands his culture.

Being able to do U Turn is sign of a brave man.

 

[blackanhyellow]

Being able to do U Turn is sign of a brave man.

What is this U turn you speak of

 

[CricketCartoons]

What is this U turn you speak of

Breaking the engagement, obviously.

 

[Slim]

My advice would be to not break the engagement. Get on with it for your parents’ sake unless they are unhappy with this engagement as well. Do not humiliate your parents in their old age. In our society, these things are looked down upon. Spare them this embarrassment.

Your outlook on life will change a lot in your 20s. When I was 23, I was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Now that I am pushing 30, I have become my parents’ puppet, and now my only aim in life is to make them as happy as possible in their old age.

It is not normal for everything in life to be perfect. You love someone else, but I assure you that there will be a lot things that you will not like about her if you marry her. It is quite possible that your fiancée today will be a better life-partner for you even though you do not love her yet.

If you want to bring religion into this then your religion will tell you that you have to obey your parents in all matters except religion. So maybe the Almighty will not forgive you if you break this engagement against their desires.

Don’t listen to certain expats here who will tell you to follow your desires and do not care about society and the feelings of your parents, fiancée and her parents. They do not understand the culture that you live in. Make it your life aim to please your parents, and you will not have any regrets when they pass away or when you are in your deathbed and reflect back on your life.

Beautiful message, Mamoon. Parents truly are a gift of God. There is no one else in this life that can love you truly other than your parents.

What i dont agree with is the bold part.

 

[Afhan Ali]

Posters here are clearly oblivious to the culture and society the OP resides in.

Whether you think the region is backwards while sitting in the UK, is not relevant to this thread.

Why give advice when you don't know what you are talking about in the context of the OP's societal norms?

OP admits that it was his choice to get engaged, which means he had a choice. No one forced him. Now he he has another set of choices to make.

People do not understand what the girl's family will go through if he decides to break off this engagement.

So it is not a straightforward decision like people are making it out to be.

The girl will literally have a harder time finding a rishta within her community. She will be forced to look towards other communities, which is in itself a big deal in Pashtun culture. She will be blamed for the broken engagement. Essentially people will say that the boy found out something about her, perhaps her past or something sinister, which is why he broke the engagement. People will talk, and her family will be humiliated. In such a society where honor means everything, this is an extremely tough situation to put someone in.

The way I see it, the OP cant marry the girl he likes anyways, as if he breaks this engagement, then the girl he likes wont want to marry him anyway as she is his fiance's cousin.

So if he has to live a loveless life, why not attempt to make it work with his fiance?

You clearly understand my position [MENTION=131506]blackanhyellow[/MENTION]

 

[Halaribo]

You clearly understand my position [MENTION=131506]blackanhyellow[/MENTION]

Then what is the point of this thread?

Quit your whining and get on with it.

I pity some of you if you have daughters.

 

[Mamoon]

Except when they pass away you will still be with a person you never wanted to be with. This will end in divorce anyway, why would you jump into something that you are not interested in, especially if it has grave consequences for your future.

To the young man I would say take your time, you are still a baby. Marriage should come a bit later.

It will not necessarily end in divorce. The divorce rate is actually very low in our part of the world, and people eventually learn to adjust and find happiness.

If the OP is willing to embarrass his parents and compromise the dignity of his fiancée, then he should call it off. However, if he had doubts, he should have clarified to his parents before the engagement.

Now is not the time for a change of heart because he is going to impact so many people. This type of selfishness and seeking personal satisfaction has no place in our culture.

 

[Afhan Ali]

If you are not happy, why did you choose to get engaged? Fault is entirely with you here.

You are putting the lady in a bad position.

Maybe don't break the engagement. Give it some time.

I made that biggest mistake which ruin my present and future life, Yes I am not happy with engagement but I never tell her about this and so she is still happy with the engagement.

I made the mistake and I am paying the price ( now and in the future) as well

 

[Mamoon]

Your part of Pakistan is backward, not really something which should be used to justify someone marrying he doesn't want to.

OP or anyone should not be held hostage to his freedom and future life because of how others might feel. If he is suffering from depression while only being engaged, how will he be after marriage? Easy to say he will grow up but you claim to be doctor and you are advising to continue down a path which has caused his mental problems.

Don't worry those who contemplate marrying to please their family, usually do even when knowing they will not be happy.

Yes it is backward, that is the point.

In this context, the backward mentality is too honor your parents, spare them the embarrassment and to protect the dignity of his fiancée who will be slandered by society and might find it difficult to find a husband within her community.

The forward thinking mentality is to completely disregard the implications of your selfish decision and do what you want because ultimately it is your life.

Furthermore, since I “claim” to be a doctor, let me tell you that self-diagnosis is the last thing you want to do when it comes to depression. Quite often, the source of depression is not what you think it is.

It is quite possible that he is depressed not because he doesn’t want to marry his fiancée but because he is conflicted between whether to call off the engagement or to carry on.

If he decides to carry on and makes a firm decision, it is quite possible that he will feel better.

But let’s assume that he is depressed because he doesn’t want to marry this girl. Now if he ends this engagement, it is quite likely that he will find a new source of depression - the guilt of dishonoring his parents and ruining his fiancée’s reputation because of his selfishness.

Getting rid of depression is not like popping a pimple. It is rarely what it seems, and if we could all do self-diagnosis, there would be no need of psychiatry.

 

[Mamoon]

It is your islamic right to choose a partner whom we want to marry ourselves. You can't turn away from your rights, just because it is something that doesnt fit in our culture.

Cultural values are different from religious values. If they clash, the former often supersedes the latter.