Having feelings for a girl abroad

[marlonbrowndo]

One of my Pakistani friends who moved to Canada three years ago by himself has very strong feelings for one of his friends who is in the same program as him at his university. According to him, she's very caring, hard working and intelligent and they both get along very well.

The problem is that she isn't Desi or even a Muslim. She is mixed race (black and white). He is looking for something serious and long-term. However, he doesn't want to pursue anything with her yet because his family and mother (despite being very supportive and generally progressive) definitely won't appreciate him ending up with a non Muslim woman. Also, he is unsure of what his plans are after he graduates in two years. He doesn't know whether he will go back home, stay in Toronto or end up moving somewhere else.

He has never felt this way about a girl before and has been single his whole life because he is too selective and his standards are too high. He is really confused right now because he doesn't want to start something good for it to inevitably end because of geographical or social reasons. Should he just wait two years until he graduates and hope she doesn't find someone else? Should he summon up the willpower to talk to his family about it? Or should he go through with it, come what may?

Since there are so many Desis living abroad on this forum, I was hoping someone who has maybe been in a similar situation (or even if they haven't) could give me some advice that I could relay to my friend.

 

[Pakistanian]

Go for it. Don't think too much about the future.

 

[KingKhanWC]

In before [MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION]

You say he is selective but if hes been single his whole life, he may just be infatuated. He should go back home and see if he still feels the same after a few months. If he does he should go back even for a vist and explain his situation regarding his family. If she is cant understand, no point. If she does, she will be willing to wait. When the time is right he can ask his parents for the blessings. If they say no, keep trying and they will give in eventually. No decent parent will want to lose their son over something like this.

This is assuming the girl feels the same .lol

 

[Pakistanian]

Btw are they in a relationship? You haven't mentioned if he's even asked her out cause western women would be freaked out to be asked for marriage if you haven't dated for a while.

 

[sweep_shot]

If you are a male follower of Islam, you can't marry outside of "People of the book" (Muslim, Christian, and Jew).

If you are a female follower of Islam, you can't marry a non-Muslim.

That's how it is (if I am not wrong).

 

[marlonbrowndo]

Btw are they in a relationship? You haven't mentioned if he's even asked her out cause western women would be freaked out to be asked for marriage if you haven't dated for a while.

He is obviously not going to ask for marriage but he doesn’t want to start dating if there’s no real future. That’s one of the reasons he has stayed single. He doesn’t want to date just for the sake of it

 

[marlonbrowndo]

If you are a male follower of Islam, you can't marry outside of "People of the book" (Muslim, Christian, and Jew).

If you are a female follower of Islam, you can't marry a non-Muslim.

That's how it is (if I am not wrong).

I am aware of the Islamic ruling on this issue however it is not just about sawab and guna. If you’re going to have children you often want them to grow up to be good muslims and having a parent that isn’t one can affect that. Therefore I understand where a lot of mothers who don’t want their sons to marry a non Muslim woman, come from

 

[sweep_shot]

I am aware of the Islamic ruling on this issue however it is not just about sawab and guna. If you’re going to have children you often want them to grow up to be good muslims and having a parent that isn’t one can affect that. Therefore I understand where a lot of mothers who don’t want their sons to marry a non Muslim woman, come from

Yes.

I have found many non-Muslim females attractive. But, I never really went after them because these religious differences and cultural differences could cause problems later on.

It is very important to look at long term implications rather than seeking short term gains. You don't want your life ruined and you don't want to ruin the lady's life.

 

[DeadBall]

He is obviously not going to ask for marriage but he doesn’t want to start dating if there’s no real future. That’s one of the reasons he has stayed single. He doesn’t want to date just for the sake of it

So he will only date The One? That's not really dating and if he hasn't dated before that doesn't mean his standards are "high" just that he has o actual life experience in these matters.

Also if the girl is western then there is almost zero chance she will not be wanting to be romantically involved with him for a period of time before even considering the idea of marraige.

Since your friend has such high standards and will only date the person he will marry he should not take such a huge risk and just ask his parents to find him a suitable partner.

 

[marlonbrowndo]

So he will only date The One? That's not really dating and if he hasn't dated before that doesn't mean his standards are "high" just that he has o actual life experience in these matters.

Also if the girl is western then there is almost zero chance she will not be wanting to be romantically involved with him for a period of time before even considering the idea of marraige.

Since your friend has such high standards and will only date the person he will marry he should not take such a huge risk and just ask his parents to find him a suitable partner.

It’s not about dating the person you are going to marry. It’s a combination of just not having any feelings for any girl before this plus dating with having a more serious relationship in mind. At least that’s what I think. This person has ‘casually dated’ before. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that he has been single his whole life because I don’t want him to be mistaken for some kind of loner or incel which he most definitely isn’t.

 

[DeadBall]

It’s not about dating the person you are going to marry. It’s a combination of just not having any feelings for any girl before this plus dating with having a more serious relationship in mind. At least that’s what I think. This person has ‘casually dated’ before. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that he has been single his whole life because I don’t want him to be mistaken for some kind of loner or incel which he most definitely isn’t.

The girl is a total western born and bred as you have mentioned. She wouldnt even consider anything long term till after a first few dates.

I am married to a Westerner and its totally different thing than dating, the parent thing was easier for me because they said we could marry wheoever we wanted, they had a problem with her being a Christian but I put my foot down and said it is I who has to spend my life with her, plus living in a different country helps. Also me not being religious and open to most things helps.

From what I gather your friend seems too serious to find the perfect soulmate and there are many barriers to overcome here. It's not impossible but if his end goal is to marry the girl it's better he not waste his time.

 

[marlonbrowndo]

The girl is a total western born and bred as you have mentioned. She wouldnt even consider anything long term till after a first few dates.

I am married to a Westerner and its totally different thing than dating, the parent thing was easier for me because they said we could marry wheoever we wanted, they had a problem with her being a Christian but I put my foot down and said it is I who has to spend my life with her, plus living in a different country helps. Also me not being religious and open to most things helps.

From what I gather your friend seems too serious to find the perfect soulmate and there are many barriers to overcome here. It's not impossible but if his end goal is to marry the girl it's better he not waste his time.

I don’t think he wants to marry her but he doesn’t want to risk dating her and if they happen to be together for two years, there being so much uncertainty about everything once they graduate. But I get your point and I completely understand the difference in dating culture and expectations between desis and foreigners

 

[marlonbrowndo]

Btw are they in a relationship? You haven't mentioned if he's even asked her out cause western women would be freaked out to be asked for marriage if you haven't dated for a while.

They aren’t right now. But they’re really close and he’s pretty confident that he can ask her out and will get a positive reply

 

[Rayyman]

It's very hard to date without getting caught. Yes, your parents probably won't see you, but there is a high chance of one of their friends seeing you and letting the secret it out.

It happened to this Pakistani girl I know, she was out with a guy and her brother's friend saw them. The guy who saw her told his mom who told her mom.

Situation is mad risky and I would advise all the youngsters to think about this before you do it.

Finessing your parents is a very hard thing to do.

 

[Savak]

If they are in a relationship and if she is on his side, it is 90% of the battle won and he is a very lucky man.

There is no point in thinking too much about the future because ultimately God is the best of planners.

Deep down my family and parents wish that I would have found someone on my own, someone who I had truly known for a while, trusted and could confidently fight for.

These chances don't come again, must grab it with both hands. I salute the guy and wish him all the best.

 

[moghul]

I'm sure " that friend" is you, its OK to open up, here. We will respect your privacy.

 

[Rayyman]

I'm sure " that friend" is you, its OK to open up, here. We will respect your privacy.

I remember Ali saying he dates so this is not him

 

[sweep_shot]

Should he just wait two years until he graduates and hope she doesn't find someone else?

If he waits too long, lady can go for another man. These ladies normally can find men very quick.

 

[Savak]

They aren’t right now. But they’re really close and he’s pretty confident that he can ask her out and will get a positive reply

This brother is a misconception. You never really know until you ask, assumption, expectations is always different from reality with the opposite sex.

God gave me the ultimate opportunity when I was interacting on and off imperfectly but still better than nothing for 6 months. I confidently assumed things would carry on like this and I planned on telling her my feelings in the 7 month assuming she would respond to me.

It never happened and here I am kicking myself for not telling her my feelings when I had the chance to do so at the time and I am still unable to get her out of my mind and am now in a dreaded position where I am looking at other options while still infatuating over a girl I can't get

 

[Justcrazy]

If you are a male follower of Islam, you can't marry outside of "People of the book" (Muslim, Christian, and Jew).

If you are a female follower of Islam, you can't marry a non-Muslim.

That's how it is (if I am not wrong).

You are right .

 

[Justcrazy]

Just forget her and concentrate on his career.

 

[DeadBall]

These ladies normally can find men very quick.

And what kind of ladies are these?

 

[Syed1]

We all know that friend is you.....


Also you are too young to even think about marriage, so ask out the girl and see how it goes. Often times girls appear nice when you are just friends but turn into severe headaches when you get into relationships with them. Who knows a month from now you won't even like her.

 

[Gullycricket]

No harm in asking her.It will clear all doubts.Parents also cant resist for long if they both have strong affection for each other.Go for it and leave rest to God

 

[Pakistanian]

If Islam is important to you then maybe introduce her to the deen, i know many people that got married to nonmuslims and they converted after seeing the light.

 

[sweep_shot]

And what kind of ladies are these?

University chicks.

 

[Slog]

If you are a male follower of Islam, you can't marry outside of "People of the book" (Muslim, Christian, and Jew).

If you are a female follower of Islam, you can't marry a non-Muslim.

That's how it is (if I am not wrong).

Doesn’t matter if the said person converts to Islam

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

There is no guarantee your "friend" will be able to even get one date with her. He could get rejected. Your "friend" can be in the "friend zone".

Assuming your friend does get a date, he would have to date her at least for one year before she would think about marraige. No guarantee they make it that long.

But to answer your questions:

Should he just wait two years until he graduates and hope she doesn't find someone else?
No. Western girls don't stay single that long.

Should he summon up the willpower to talk to his family about it?
No. What if he gets rejected. Why humiliate yourself in front of your family.

Or should he go through with it, come what may?
Yea no harm in asking her out. Only thing is if he gets rejected the situation might get awkward, but still worth the risk since he likes her so much.

 

[imrankhannsu]

Your friend IMO is still lost in love and taking things for granted. Alot of Desis that see a Western girl who is nice towards them sometimes assumes, that she has feelings for them just being nice and friendly.

First of all, he needs to directly go to the girl and express his feelings ASAP. If she is desirable, someone else might just take his bird. Then if she has similar feelings. Usually Westerners arent too fused about interracial marriages.

 

[GoUgandaCranes]

We all know that friend is you.....


Also you are too young to even think about marriage, so ask out the girl and see how it goes. Often times girls appear nice when you are just friends but turn into severe headaches when you get into relationships with them. Who knows a month from now you won't even like her.

Not coming slow Syed1, not coming slow at all.

 

[Itachi]

First be honest. It's you. Isn't it brother?

 

[HappyWarsFan]

Just resist the temptation and don't go with her. It's haram.

 

[Rayyman]

Just resist the temptation and don't go with her. It's haram.

What's haram?

 

[RameezRambo_Fan]

Sounds like a guy who has never interacted with a woman before. :

 

[in_cutter]

One of those ‘asking for a friend’ threads

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

First your friend should make his mind up how badly he really wants the girl. If he expects her to become a Muslim, does she even know that would be part of the deal?

He is looking too far ahead, should just date her for a while and see where it goes. That is in line with her culture I would think so she will be fine with it. If he isn't wanting to do casual dating then he is probably of the wrong mindset for this and should probably look for someone like minded.

 

[marlonbrowndo]

To all those concerned, while I agree one or two of the threads I made a few years ago from “a friends” perspective were actually about me, I assure you guys that this is actually for a friend of mine. I am just curious to see some of the opinions and advice that people here have about this issue

 

[abdulqadir786]

I'm sure " that friend" is you, its OK to open up, here. We will respect your privacy.

I was thinking the same thing.