Marriage problems

[Zaz]

Sit down both n have a word Tell them to put petty matters to a side and for your sanity bite their tongue and live in peace

Your mum shouldve made rotis for both of you if she was making some Your wife should show some respect to your parents Theyre not her naukar that they should look after your child, make food and let you lot live rent free

Have a word with both Tell your wife the advantages of living in this joint family ie the moneys you guys are saving Ditto your mum having her child and grandchild in the same house

If things continue this way get your own place and a baby sitter before you get caught in an irreconciable war n long term animosity sets in and ruins their relationship for good

 

[Zaz]

Kabi roti kabi gham

Loool

 

[Stewie]

How many guys here, and I hope they will be honest about it, can claim their parents wanted them to go live out on their own after they got married? Be honest now. And I mean for those who can afford a place of their own, and not rely on their parents.

How many of you want to do it but can’t because you don’t want to hurt your parents, and how many are actually forced to live in a joint family system?


I feel, in our culture, regardless of economic or social class, it has become the norm to not allow sons to go live on their own. Even if you don’t need their help financially (or for whatever other reason), parents want to hang on to them. They expect and in some cases demand that their son or sons take care of them while living in the same house. I believe you can take care of them while not living with them, but apparently that’s a concept lost on most desi parents.

So I would really like to hear your response to the questions I posed at the top.

 

[IMMY69]

How many guys here, and I hope they will be honest about it, can claim their parents wanted them to go live out on their own after they got married? Be honest now. And I mean for those who can afford a place of their own, and not rely on their parents.

How many of you want to do it but can’t because you don’t want to hurt your parents, and how many are actually forced to live in a joint family system?


I feel, in our culture, regardless of economic or social class, it has become the norm to not allow sons to go live on their own. Even if you don’t need their help financially (or for whatever other reason), parents want to hang on to them. They expect and in some cases demand that their son or sons take care of them while living in the same house. I believe you can take care of them while not living with them, but apparently that’s a concept lost on most desi parents.

So I would really like to hear your response to the questions I posed at the top.

The day I got my first proper job my parents started charging me rent.
It wasn't substantial but still £250 a month in the early 90's was a large chunk of my pay.

A few years later they told me to get on the property ladder and to move out. They gave me a deadline and when I found the right property (at that time it was anything I could afford), they wrote me a cheque for the exact amount of rent I was paying them which covered my Deposit (bear in mind the price of a one bad flat was around £40-50k then).

I was brought up to learn to fish, if you can fish then you'll never go hungry.
Both my parents taught me to stand on my own two feet and for that I an eternally grateful. I've brought up my kids the same way.

 

[dildilpak]

How many guys here, and I hope they will be honest about it, can claim their parents wanted them to go live out on their own after they got married? Be honest now. And I mean for those who can afford a place of their own, and not rely on their parents.

How many of you want to do it but can’t because you don’t want to hurt your parents, and how many are actually forced to live in a joint family system?


I feel, in our culture, regardless of economic or social class, it has become the norm to not allow sons to go live on their own. Even if you don’t need their help financially (or for whatever other reason), parents want to hang on to them. They expect and in some cases demand that their son or sons take care of them while living in the same house. I believe you can take care of them while not living with them, but apparently that’s a concept lost on most desi parents.

So I would really like to hear your response to the questions I posed at the top.

I moved out of my parental home for college & havent been back since then. And even though my parents live half hour away from our current place, there was never any expectation from my parents that we would live with them. My mother had a truly hard time with my ultra traditional grandmother when they were living with the grandparents, so she would never want something similar to be experienced by her daughter in law nor she wants to lose her own independence. This arrangement works perfectly for us - we get to spend time with each other & yet there is no animosity or generational divide that can arise from living together.

 

[Stewie]

That’s great for the two who have responded so far. I moved out at 17/18 myself. Maybe I was wrong and most parents these days do want their sons to be independent. Perhaps my impression was still stuck in the experiences of 80s and 90s.

 

[sindhiboy]

That’s great for the two who have responded so far. I moved out at 17/18 myself. Maybe I was wrong and most parents these days do want their sons to be independent. Perhaps my impression was still stuck in the experiences of 80s and 90s.

Situation is a bit different now with the astronomical costs of living.
Its still doable though

 

[PakLFC]

Gals today are not keen on living in a family system. They find it hard to unconditionally respect the in laws like the old days. If she agreed to it pre marriage then the problem is with her. If she did not than you may have to consider buying your own home. I have noted that Pak girls are becoming increasingly arrogant thinking they are the bee's knees.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

I agree he did not do her a favor by marrying her, and as her husband he is responsible for her expenses. However her in laws are not.

Day care is very expensive, that's thousands or tens of thousands of pounds that she is saving right there. Per the OP she stated that he inlaws watching her child is not a favor. But she is wrong it is a big favor.

And we dont have enough details, but lets say she is living in the inlaws house, its very unlikely that they are asking her for money for rent.



I would say no. They should work it out. Its a big adjustment to leave your own family and country and move in with another family and to another country. So the OP should do his best to make her life easy.

But if you look at the original thread the OP made it seems she has a pattern of bad behavior.

http://www.pakpassion.net/ppforum/showthread.php?281398-New-marriage&highlight=

I do agree with that. Day care is very expensive, in-laws usually do this for free in desi households. If we are going to point out the problems with extended households, only fair to mention the benefits as well. The girl's response that the parents weren't doing any ehsan by looking after the kid was plain ungrateful and rude.

 

[Pakpak]

Keep posting crap as all snowflakes and karins are experienced in it, bottom line is OP is victim of a pure domestic violence but liberals and feminists portray him as a monster and his wife as a victim #HIMTOO

I'm not the incel.

Like I said get over whoever dumped you. Looks like they dodged a bullet

 

[KingKhanWC]

Terrible advice.

First, the wife should NOT have to live with the mans parents as per Islam.

Second, the son is RESPONSIBLE for all provision of food to all family members. The wife is NOT there to cook chapatis and make the mans stomach full. As per Islam, if a man marries a woman, he is OBLIGATED to feed her.

3. Respect is necessary I agree but it works both ways. We dont know the semantics of this relationship and you have word one side or the story and have assumed that wife is at FAULT without even hearing the other side from her.

4. It is the SONS responsibility to take care of his parents. The wife DOES NOT EVEN HAVE TO MAKE ONE CUP OF TEA for his parents as per Islam. She can do it it, out of her goodness but its not OBLIGATED on her.

5. The wife should be ENTITLED to an INDEPENDENT place if they both can afford it and as per Islam shouldnt have to live WITH HIS PARENTS.

6. She married him, not his parents.

Let me remind you, this is the rights of Islam about women.

This is not the desi Pakistani culture you are enforcing here by trying to force male dominance and potential divorce.

Just a terrible advice mate.

It doesnt seem male dominace at all but the opposite, the chap seems really worried about his life.

The reason I said divorce is because this isnt his first issue, he's posted about the troubles before. If someone is seeking advice on a forum, mulitiple times, it means there are long term serious issues here.

Of course the best would be for both parties to make peace but it seems it could only get worse. In the long term if marriage isnt suitable or both partners are always in conflict, it could be better for both to start new futures.

Im sure the chap will make the right decision going foward, we can only give him opinions on here.

 

[Ryw]

I'm not the incel.

Like I said get over whoever dumped you. Looks like they dodged a bullet

#MGTOW so stop bragging same stuff all the time golddigger.
You are part of the problem if you support her bullying against him and his parents. This is wrong in Pakistani culture and I support him and every innocent man who is victim of this feminazi liberal ideology #HIMTOO

 

[Stewie]

Gals today are not keen on living in a family system. They find it hard to unconditionally respect the in laws like the old days. If she agreed to it pre marriage then the problem is with her. If she did not than you may have to consider buying your own home. I have noted that Pak girls are becoming increasingly arrogant thinking they are the bee's knees.

There is definitely a bit of that going around as well.
The girls are certainly becoming more and more bullish about living in a joint setup.
Going back to what I was talking about earlier:
I was born in the late 70s, and I do not feel the cost of living, at least in the US has completely rocketed off like it has in Pakistan, UK, Canada, etc. but with that being said, I was independent when I was making minimum wage, so to me it’s not completely beyond the realm of possibility for a man and wife to make it on their own even with meager earnings. But as was the case back in the day, I would continue to insist, it’s the same pattern with parents wanting to not give up their son or sons that easily.
I have seen it in my own family as well. Both trends, with the parents… as well as the modern wives being extremely resistant to living with the in laws.

My take is: at the end of the day, the guy ends up getting ground to dust. I mean just look at this poor guy, the OP. Young men develops anxiety, depression and other ailments due to these unwarranted family pressures in our culture. It’s very unlike other cultures where parents simply raise a child out of love and want them to be independent and successful. Whereas, in our culture, some parents think of sons as retirement insurance policy and wife looks at him like a sugar daddy.

So I congratulate those here whose parents raised them to be independent and do not rely on them, also those who live with their parents without any such issues and are managing just fine.
But my heart goes out to the poor saps stuck between clingy parents and bullish wives. I would just shun everyone and run away if I was in that situation and didn’t have a child to worry about.

 

[dildilpak]

It doesnt seem male dominace at all but the opposite, the chap seems really worried about his life.

The reason I said divorce is because this isnt his first issue, he's posted about the troubles before. If someone is seeking advice on a forum, mulitiple times, it means there are long term serious issues here.

Of course the best would be for both parties to make peace but it seems it could only get worse. In the long term if marriage isnt suitable or both partners are always in conflict, it could be better for both to start new futures.

Im sure the chap will make the right decision going foward, we can only give him opinions on here.

But if had issues with the marriage from get-go, why did he & his wife bring a child into the mix? Once you have a child, you leave your individual egos aside & do everything you can to make the marriage work as the child needs both parents. Just like your parents need you, so does your child, so you better get your act right.

Separating from the parents is not forsaking them. You are just maintaining peace & removing stressors in both households which is more important than living together in a toxic environment. Yes, the OP will be ending up spending more on daycare & stuff but isnt that worth not stressing out the aged parents?

 

[Stewie]

But if had issues with the marriage from get-go, why did he & his wife bring a child into the mix? Once you have a child, you leave your individual egos aside & do everything you can to make the marriage work as the child needs both parents. Just like your parents need you, so does your child, so you better get your act right.

Separating from the parents is not forsaking them. You are just maintaining peace & removing stressors in both households which is more important than living together in a toxic environment. Yes, the OP will be ending up spending more on daycare & stuff but isnt that worth not stressing out the aged parents?

My parents absolutely hate babysitting any of their grand kids. They just don’t think they should be asked to do that and I agree with them.

 

[Stewie]

But if had issues with the marriage from get-go, why did he & his wife bring a child into the mix? Once you have a child, you leave your individual egos aside & do everything you can to make the marriage work as the child needs both parents. Just like your parents need you, so does your child, so you better get your act right.

Separating from the parents is not forsaking them. You are just maintaining peace & removing stressors in both households which is more important than living together in a toxic environment. Yes, the OP will be ending up spending more on daycare & stuff but isnt that worth not stressing out the aged parents?

Two reasons: lack of education and lack of foresight.

How often do we see parents arranging a marriage and then pressuring the couple to have a kid right away? It’s very rare couples wait 3/4 years to see if they are compatible enough before they decide to have children. Mostly end up bringing kids into the world within a year of marriage. And if that doesn’t happen they start getting embarrassing questions from their relatives. I have experienced it myself. Happens all the time.

 

[Bhaag Viru Bhaag]

If both of you are working then why can't you hire a cook? Is that costly in UK?

 

[KingKhanWC]

But if had issues with the marriage from get-go, why did he & his wife bring a child into the mix? Once you have a child, you leave your individual egos aside & do everything you can to make the marriage work as the child needs both parents. Just like your parents need you, so does your child, so you better get your act right.

Separating from the parents is not forsaking them. You are just maintaining peace & removing stressors in both households which is more important than living together in a toxic environment. Yes, the OP will be ending up spending more on daycare & stuff but isnt that worth not stressing out the aged parents?

I disagree, children can be harmed mentally long term if they grow up with parents who are living a unhappy marriage.

I agree moving out is the best but this doesnt mean things will become rosy again, they could get worse in terms of his wifes relationship with his parents. I wonder how she gets on with his siblings if he has any.

 

[KingKhanWC]

If both of you are working then why can't you hire a cook? Is that costly in UK?

Its cheaper to just eat out or buy chappatis. Not sure where OP is based but in Birmigham you can get 4 nans of good quality for £1.00.

 

[Stewie]

Its cheaper to just eat out or buy chappatis. Not sure where OP is based but in Birmigham you can get 4 nans of good quality for £1.00.

So the fight started for something that costs less than a pound.

That is terrible! Haha

 

[from_da_lost_dim3nsion]

I didn’t say divorce is haraam man.

Point being….most of these issues can be resolved easily. I don’t think rotigate warrants a divorce. I have been through a lot worse and was stuck in the middle (Missus-brother-mother argued all the time- heated arguments). I have three kids with special needs. What OP is going through is nothing in comparison. What did I do? Moved my family out. 80% of issues resolved.

lmao @rotigate. I agree that this is no reason to get a divorce and I was making a general point not specific to this situation .Still roti gate is the the straw that broke the camels back, from OP's post it seems like a bunch of stuff that lead to it. End of the day you have to make the call . Think rationally and decide which party is at fault . Try conflict resolution and if all doesn't work make a choice b/w you spouse and your parents . Moving out is always an option but not a good one if you'll be leaving on a sour note TBH.

 

[KingKhanWC]

So the fight started for something that costs less than a pound.

That is terrible! Haha

Its so cheap, you can have a full roti & salan meal for 2 for less than £5.00!

I would of phoned the mrs, saying grap some rotis for yourself and Ill give you a £1.00 when you get home. A balti for me too.

 

[sindhiboy]

If both of you are working then why can't you hire a cook? Is that costly in UK?

Westerners aren't as priveleged as us desis . Only billionaires and celebrities hire chefs in the west.

We take our luxuries for granted :

 

[Pakpak]

#MGTOW so stop bragging same stuff all the time golddigger.
You are part of the problem if you support her bullying against him and his parents. This is wrong in Pakistani culture and I support him and every innocent man who is victim of this feminazi liberal ideology #HIMTOO

How long ago did she leave you?

 

[Itachi]

I disagree, children can be harmed mentally long term if they grow up with parents who are living a unhappy marriage.

I agree moving out is the best but this doesnt mean things will become rosy again, they could get worse in terms of his wifes relationship with his parents. I wonder how she gets on with his siblings if he has any.

For the first time in entire 10 years, I am agreeing with KKWC.

Unhappy marriage can lead to mentally harm children. Sometimes, it's better to divorce but remain civil with shared mutual custody.

 

[Stewie]

Labor is ridiculously expensive in the west, most people back home don’t realize how different that makes things for us. You have to be the Mali, Dhobi, cleaning person, chef, dish washer, all by yourself.

I used to do all that by myself and I still do some of it.

 

[Itachi]

#MGTOW so stop bragging same stuff all the time golddigger.
You are part of the problem if you support her bullying against him and his parents. This is wrong in Pakistani culture and I support him and every innocent man who is victim of this feminazi liberal ideology #HIMTOO

seems like pakpak is right. A girl did leave you in a bad shape.

You can share your story here and we will be here to support. I promise that.

 

[Itachi]

Labor is ridiculously expensive in the west, most people back home don’t realize how different that makes things for us. You have to be the Mali, Dhobi, cleaning person, chef, dish washer, all by yourself.

I used to do all that by myself and I still do some of it.

You are talking as if none of the Desi men in Desi countries does all those things.

 

[Stewie]

You are talking as if none of the Desi men in Desi countries does all those things.

None from my family,
As far as I can remember. We always had household hired help to do those things, AH.

Women did the cooking but the rest of the chores were done by hired help.

 

[drubwrubnat]

Hi OP, hope your doing great ! Ill keep it short & sweet.

You could have made 2 rotis for your wife in front of your parents. Do it with sincerity & a smile.

Even if they say something on the lines of “ joru ka ghulam “ or something like that, laugh it off and be composed, I promise you, your parents will respect you deep down.

Treasure your immediate family, help in bonding people, LEAD by EXAMPLE, SMILE, react to the situation without any bias - no extra baggage!
They will all reciprocate & make you stronger.

 

[dildilpak]

Looks like the OP has disappeared from this thread after pitting people against each other discussing his family problems. Hopefully he is not trolling us.

 

[Pakpak]

That’s great for the two who have responded so far. I moved out at 17/18 myself. Maybe I was wrong and most parents these days do want their sons to be independent. Perhaps my impression was still stuck in the experiences of 80s and 90s.

My mum had a very tough time in a joint system, I still remember it as a kid and those are not fond memories. Ofcourse things changed and those relatives are now absolutely amazing in every way (and those relatives too have their kids live on their own, this joint system really went away for the most part in our extended family due to a lot of issues when we were young) but after that my Mum and Dad decided to never force kids to live with parents and me and my brother were free to live on our own.

Me and my wife have had our own place for years, parents live nearby. Everyone meets regularly and gets on well. Me and my wife still have our room in my parents house and are free to stay any time we want to (and we have when needed place to stay in between moving cities). It works out well.

There will be a time when they will need me (and my wife's parents will need us) and our house is always open to them, till then everyone is happy independent and the way it is. Every woman has a dream to run a house how she likes to, from furniture to even small things as adding things to a property, every woman and man deserves that independence.

 

[Pakpak]

Looks like the OP has disappeared from this thread after pitting people against each other discussing his family problems. Hopefully he is not trolling us.

Yes, looks that way

 

[Stewie]

My mum had a very tough time in a joint system, I still remember it as a kid and those are not fond memories. Ofcourse things changed and those relatives are now absolutely amazing in every way (and those relatives too have their kids live on their own, this joint system really went away for the most part in our extended family due to a lot of issues when we were young) but after that my Mum and Dad decided to never force kids to live with parents and me and my brother were free to live on our own.

Me and my wife have had our own place for years, parents live nearby. Everyone meets regularly and gets on well. Me and my wife still have our room in my parents house and are free to stay any time we want to (and we have when needed place to stay in between moving cities). It works out well.

There will be a time when they will need me (and my wife's parents will need us) and our house is always open to them, till then everyone is happy independent and the way it is. Every woman has a dream to run a house how she likes to, from furniture to even small things as adding things to a property, every woman and man deserves that independence.

That’s great! Unfortunately not everyone is financially that better off to be able to afford such options. The reliance or symbiosis of parents/children for a number of reasons is still very much alive and well today.

 

[Pakpak]

That’s great! Unfortunately not everyone is financially that better off to be able to afford such options. The reliance or symbiosis of parents/children for a number of reasons is still very much alive and well today.

Ofcourse, I just hope our society improves and maybe a lot of toxicity would go away.

 

[princeuk]

[MENTION=138530]dildilpak[/MENTION] no i am not trolling and decided leave people to fight, i think the users on this forum can manage that on their own without me starting a topic on marraige that is affecting ME but if people want to make it about themselves then feel free to do so. I was gettign through the 190 odd posts that took me by surprise.

Thank you to everyone who contributed, I really appreciate the time you took to give me advice, i will try and summarise the key points in this thread even even though i would love to respond to everyone individually.

Some have said its a personality clash and yes we are both very different, some individuals like [MENTION=374]offstump[/MENTION] have said that i sound like a timid guy, im afraid its true and yes she is the dominant one like some have gathered. I dont even have a problem with her being the dominant one, its the fact how she is acting and how rude she is being is that is bothering me, dominant doesnt give you the right to be rude, two different things.

The issue with the 2 rotis is simply the straw that broke the camel's back, the issue seems deeper, i have asked but i dont get a proper answer when to me it seems obvious there are other underlying issues, considering other things have happened in the past.
[MENTION=90888]Itachi[/MENTION] saying that the guy instead of having a conversation with his wife is ranting in a random forum. I am simply asking for advice, there are so many brothers on here who have experienced problems in life or know of others who have and would be able to give me good impartial advice, after all they dont know me, my wife or my family so there is no harm there, and of course it means i can ask rather than speak to people who are close to me, then they will start to get worried and ask what is happening, i dont want to worry anyone else. If people in this or any other forum can talk about the most random of things then why cant i get useful advice that could be beneficial for me.
[MENTION=148149]Gharib Aadmi[/MENTION] has made some very relevant points, you can tell from my previous thread there are LOADS of issues that have happened well before this so everyone just seems so unhappy, My mum and wife and in fact my dad too have fallen out with her previously but with a kid in the picture we are so confused as to what the best course of action is. I dont get why she is even unhappier now, she has a new job, meeting new people, she should be a tad happier now, has a bit more freedom, or is this the issue, she is working and now feels has more leverdige so to speak, all this happened in the first week of her getting a job.

@Colourblind Genius - OF course i will seek advice of a professional or an Imam if drastic action needs to be taken but for all parties concerned I want to do the right thing, being on this forum is giving me some good guidance on how to tackle issues.
[MENTION=154102]mazkhan[/MENTION] - Thanks for picking up on the fact that (all our) mums arent getting any younger so they find it a bit more difficult to run around the younger energetic kids even if they wish to do so, their bodies simply dont allow it and yes she is diabetic so shouldnt be stressing too much about life, worry about getting better.
[MENTION=51465]DeadlyVenom[/MENTION] - I am very well educated and in a professional job working for the government so no need to worry there, we are both educated so I wouldnt expect from her what i wouldnt do myself on most things. I married from paksitan i thought they respect family values and i dont plan to move out as i am the only son and only me will look after my parents and she knows this, otherwise i could have married form here the girls who wanted to be independent if i had known then i would have just married from here. SHe is distant relative although we didnt know the family very well in our younger days.
[MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] - YOu have made some very valid points, the biggest thing it seems like is the EGO, it has come in the way of peace and harmony and knows no sign of subsiding, you know its been over a week and STILL no salaam to my parents, if she had married a "Dooker" from pakistan then maybe he would have put her in her place so to speak if that is the right word to use, she doesnt realise she is lucky with certain things.
[MENTION=61620]Ryw[/MENTION] - You are right in saying bullying can happen both ways, its not always the husband to the wife, it can be vice versa, im the simple minded guy from the UK by the looks of things and she is sharp as a kitchen knife cos she is from pakistan.
[MENTION=632]irfan[/MENTION] - you are the only one that mentioned the swearing incident, lets say i play devils advocate and say my mum was wrong in making food for me and not her, surely its MINOR issue not a MAJOR issue, so major its meant she has wished death on my parents, can there actually be anything worse? what would you guys feel? Did that justify such an extreme reaction?
[MENTION=142782]Darkrai[/MENTION] - as you pointed out all this happened from the start, its been ongoing, its been tedious and it has taken the fun out of everything, it improved for a short while but started again.
[MENTION=17315]Stewie[/MENTION] - Indeed look at the money me and wife are saving in childcare AND my parents are happy to do it, never would they be forced into it, they enjoy the wee ones company very much so.

 

[KingKhanWC]

[MENTION=139471]princeuk[/MENTION]

@KingKhanWC - YOu have made some very valid points, the biggest thing it seems like is the EGO, it has come in the way of peace and harmony and knows no sign of subsiding, you know its been over a week and STILL no salaam to my parents, if she had married a "Dooker" from pakistan then maybe he would have put her in her place so to speak if that is the right word to use, she doesnt realise she is lucky with certain things.

Firstly bro, I apologise for any offence. As Muslims, we must place our trust in the Lord, he created us , he knows whats best.

"Abu Huraira reported: A man asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, “Who is most deserving of my good company?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet said “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your father.”"

From what you have wrote , it seems you are very blessed to have such loving parents esp your mother. Do not take any advice from anyone who may instinuate your mother is at fault. I can imagine the pain and trauma she is going through having dreamt of you being married with a beautiful child.

What you are experiencing isnt rare , this is actually pretty common where girls come from Pakistan, see the lifestyle of eating well, doing less housework, earning money of their own etc. They then often become arrogant & having a child feel they have some sort of power over the husband and family , as divorce is rare in our culture.

A wife which living in the laws house doesnt have the deceny to say Salaam has major issues imo. The longer you allow this, the more pain your mother and father will feel. Its really not fair for elderly parents who I have no doubt showed so much love to your wife, like their own daughter to feel this pain. Mothers cry, they cannot be at peace knowing their son and his wife are not happy but the pain they feel if being made to feel they are in the wrong is much worse.

Never forget bro, our parents sacrificed their whole lives in Pakistan, including leaving their family, friends, school, culture etc. They suffered discrimination, worked long hours, ate less to send money to family back in Pak, looked after you as if they were rich. You mentioned your mother is not well, its important this doesnt make her worse.

If you cannot find a solution and are willing to continue to live this life, my sincere advice is to then spend as much time with your mom and your child together. Sit watch T.V with her, take her to the supermarket, make her tea, tell her how you appreciate her struggle coming to another land and most of all tell her you love her more than anyone.

I have nothing more I can add to this thread.

May God give all your family a happy and peace filled future.

 

[Stewie]

Why would an educated girl wish death on her in laws, that sounds like a very backward/paindoo/uneducated way of cursing during fights. I can already picture kam karney waalian fighting and cursing like that.

In any case, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you leave her, you will be worse off, your children would be worse off. If you stay together you will have to deal with it on an ongoing basis. I would say seek counseling, Involve her parents, any friends or family she listens to. You have to “listen” to her, be honest to yourself and determine if she has valid grievances, and try to sort them out. If they are not valid and she is truly being unfair, see if outside help helps resolve it. If none of that does anything for you, you may have to take the drastic last step of saying bye bye to her. Unfortunately, in the end it doesn’t leave you with many options.

 

[dildilpak]

[MENTION=138530]dildilpak[/MENTION] no i am not trolling and decided leave people to fight, i think the users on this forum can manage that on their own without me starting a topic on marraige that is affecting ME but if people want to make it about themselves then feel free to do so. I was gettign through the 190 odd posts that took me by surprise.

Thank you to everyone who contributed, I really appreciate the time you took to give me advice, i will try and summarise the key points in this thread even even though i would love to respond to everyone individually.

Some have said its a personality clash and yes we are both very different, some individuals like [MENTION=374]offstump[/MENTION] have said that i sound like a timid guy, im afraid its true and yes she is the dominant one like some have gathered. I dont even have a problem with her being the dominant one, its the fact how she is acting and how rude she is being is that is bothering me, dominant doesnt give you the right to be rude, two different things.

The issue with the 2 rotis is simply the straw that broke the camel's back, the issue seems deeper, i have asked but i dont get a proper answer when to me it seems obvious there are other underlying issues, considering other things have happened in the past.

[MENTION=90888]Itachi[/MENTION] saying that the guy instead of having a conversation with his wife is ranting in a random forum. I am simply asking for advice, there are so many brothers on here who have experienced problems in life or know of others who have and would be able to give me good impartial advice, after all they dont know me, my wife or my family so there is no harm there, and of course it means i can ask rather than speak to people who are close to me, then they will start to get worried and ask what is happening, i dont want to worry anyone else. If people in this or any other forum can talk about the most random of things then why cant i get useful advice that could be beneficial for me.

[MENTION=148149]Gharib Aadmi[/MENTION] has made some very relevant points, you can tell from my previous thread there are LOADS of issues that have happened well before this so everyone just seems so unhappy, My mum and wife and in fact my dad too have fallen out with her previously but with a kid in the picture we are so confused as to what the best course of action is. I dont get why she is even unhappier now, she has a new job, meeting new people, she should be a tad happier now, has a bit more freedom, or is this the issue, she is working and now feels has more leverdige so to speak, all this happened in the first week of her getting a job.

@Colourblind Genius - OF course i will seek advice of a professional or an Imam if drastic action needs to be taken but for all parties concerned I want to do the right thing, being on this forum is giving me some good guidance on how to tackle issues.

[MENTION=154102]mazkhan[/MENTION] - Thanks for picking up on the fact that (all our) mums arent getting any younger so they find it a bit more difficult to run around the younger energetic kids even if they wish to do so, their bodies simply dont allow it and yes she is diabetic so shouldnt be stressing too much about life, worry about getting better.

[MENTION=51465]DeadlyVenom[/MENTION] - I am very well educated and in a professional job working for the government so no need to worry there, we are both educated so I wouldnt expect from her what i wouldnt do myself on most things. I married from paksitan i thought they respect family values and i dont plan to move out as i am the only son and only me will look after my parents and she knows this, otherwise i could have married form here the girls who wanted to be independent if i had known then i would have just married from here. SHe is distant relative although we didnt know the family very well in our younger days.

[MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] - YOu have made some very valid points, the biggest thing it seems like is the EGO, it has come in the way of peace and harmony and knows no sign of subsiding, you know its been over a week and STILL no salaam to my parents, if she had married a "Dooker" from pakistan then maybe he would have put her in her place so to speak if that is the right word to use, she doesnt realise she is lucky with certain things.

[MENTION=61620]Ryw[/MENTION] - You are right in saying bullying can happen both ways, its not always the husband to the wife, it can be vice versa, im the simple minded guy from the UK by the looks of things and she is sharp as a kitchen knife cos she is from pakistan.

[MENTION=632]irfan[/MENTION] - you are the only one that mentioned the swearing incident, lets say i play devils advocate and say my mum was wrong in making food for me and not her, surely its MINOR issue not a MAJOR issue, so major its meant she has wished death on my parents, can there actually be anything worse? what would you guys feel? Did that justify such an extreme reaction?

[MENTION=142782]Darkrai[/MENTION] - as you pointed out all this happened from the start, its been ongoing, its been tedious and it has taken the fun out of everything, it improved for a short while but started again.

[MENTION=17315]Stewie[/MENTION] - Indeed look at the money me and wife are saving in childcare AND my parents are happy to do it, never would they be forced into it, they enjoy the wee ones company very much so.

[MENTION=139471]princeuk[/MENTION]- Ok time for some more blunt talk. From your reply it seems that you have already made up your mind that your wife is the villian of the story & that you & your parents are the innocent party here. If so, don’t understand why you need validation from this motley group who probably dont know anything about your family except your side of the story?

I also dont think you want to acknowledge any additional steps you can potentially take to save your marriage - like moving out of your parental home with your wife & child. You have to realize yourself what is more important to you - a) you saving childcare money & your parents spending time with your child b) your marriage. If the answer is a, then you already know where your marriage is headed.

Since its not just you or your parents, but also your young child & the mother of the child in the picture, i hope better sense prevails all round. I have two young daughters myself & cannot imagine the tragedy of a child potentially growing up without both his/her parents. It just makes a sad picture.

 

[Itachi]

[MENTION=139471]princeuk[/MENTION]- Ok time for some more blunt talk. From your reply it seems that you have already made up your mind that your wife is the villian of the story & that you & your parents are the innocent party here. If so, don’t understand why you need validation from this motley group who probably dont know anything about your family except your side of the story?

I also dont think you want to acknowledge any additional steps you can potentially take to save your marriage - like moving out of your parental home with your wife & child. You have to realize yourself what is more important to you - a) you saving childcare money & your parents spending time with your child b) your marriage. If the answer is a, then you already know where your marriage is headed.

Since its not just you or your parents, but also your young child & the mother of the child in the picture, i hope better sense prevails all round. I have two young daughters myself & cannot imagine the tragedy of a child potentially growing up without both his/her parents. It just makes a sad picture.

I don't think there is anything to save if the wife has become nemesis in his mind. It would be only delaying the inevitable.

I don't think he will proceed with separation. There will be passive aggressive moves from both him and the in laws to the point where the wife will decide to move out herself and all blames will go to her while also maintaining the social status.

 

[dildilpak]

I don't think there is anything to save if the wife has become nemesis in his mind. It would be only delaying the inevitable.

I don't think he will proceed with separation. There will be passive aggressive moves from both him and the in laws to the point where the wife will decide to move out herself and all blames will go to her while also maintaining the social status.

Sad, but your second para sums it up. Have seen/heard so many cases of Pak origin guys (some from my extended family as well) in England/America blindly entering into arranged marriages with girls back home, mainly because they dont want an independent wife but ‘cultured’ caregivers for their parents. And then when the girl does not meet their expectations of a docile wife, all hell breaks loose - they will then accuse the girl of using them as a ticket to get out of Pakistan while they themselves see nothing wrong in importing these educated, pretty girls as glorified nursemaids. And all of this happens under the guise of Pakistani culture.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

How many guys here, and I hope they will be honest about it, can claim their parents wanted them to go live out on their own after they got married? Be honest now. And I mean for those who can afford a place of their own, and not rely on their parents.

How many of you want to do it but can’t because you don’t want to hurt your parents, and how many are actually forced to live in a joint family system?


I feel, in our culture, regardless of economic or social class, it has become the norm to not allow sons to go live on their own. Even if you don’t need their help financially (or for whatever other reason), parents want to hang on to them. They expect and in some cases demand that their son or sons take care of them while living in the same house. I believe you can take care of them while not living with them, but apparently that’s a concept lost on most desi parents.

So I would really like to hear your response to the questions I posed at the top.

It depends on what you think force is. I left home shortly after college, and I have lived on my own for about 9 years now. However if my father were to pass away and my mother was still alive she would want to live with me. I have no problem with this at all. As long as I am alive my house will always be my mothers house.

My mother would not need to live with me because of any financial necessity. Its because she would not want to be alone. I dont view this as a burden or as being forced.

They expect and in some cases demand that their son or sons take care of them while living in the same house. I believe you can take care of them while not living with them, but apparently that’s a concept lost on most desi parents.

So I would really like to hear your response to the questions I posed at the top.

Yes their is nothing wrong with living away from parents. And their is nothing wrong with living your parents.

Everyone should do what they think is best.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Here are my two cents.

Many Pakistani families marry off their sons but because they want a daughter-in-law, but because they want a maid. They want somebody who could clean the house, wash the clothes, make rotis for the husband’s family members and live a life of servitude. It is the same here in Hong Kong.

Renowned preacher Shiekh Assim made the same comment about Pakistani marriages. He said this sort of abusive behaviour towards DiLs happens mostly in Pakistan, India and Bangladesh.

The best solution is to move out and live happily. The wife is under no obligation to serve your parents. From an Islamic point of view, joint families are undesirable.

This is true in Islam. A women has a right to her own place. However I love how you liberals bring up Islam for your own convenience. If the OP would want to marry more than once we all know what you liberals would say.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Its not her in laws house. It's her husband's hoise where the in laws are staying. In any religion, it's the duty of the husband to provide shelter to the woman. If OP is relying on his parents to give shelter, that's even worse.

Are you saying OP being a Muslim, is free from giving shelter to his wife after marrying (according to Islamic guidelines) ?

It is the inlaws house. Per Islamic rules the OP is responsible to take care of his wife and her expenses. Not his parents.

If a women living at her husband's house after marriage is taken as "ehsaan" on the women, I seriously question the mentality of those people.

If you take it as "ehsaan" against which she has to repay the debt via working as a slave, then may be you shouldn't get married in the first place.

The Ehsaan comment was made by his wife, when she took for granted the free day care that his parents are providing.

but my wife has a very disdainful attitude towards everything, she says that if your parents are looking after the kid they are not doing any EHSAAN on us, i am completely dumfounded.

This is an EHSAAN. Anyone who does not think is an EHSAAN is a very ungrateful person.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

[MENTION=139471]princeuk[/MENTION]


What you are experiencing isnt rare , this is actually pretty common where girls come from Pakistan, see the lifestyle of eating well, doing less housework, earning money of their own etc. They then often become arrogant & having a child feel they have some sort of power over the husband and family , as divorce is rare in our culture..

Yep. People think because their is a stigma of divorce it is usually the wife who is staying in unhappy marriages. However many times its the husband who is the victim.

And some women take advantage of shareef guys. They view that as a weakness. Behavior like this:

i sound like a timid guy, im afraid its true and yes she is the dominant one like some have gathered. I dont even have a problem with her being the dominant one, its the fact how she is acting and how rude she is being is that is bothering me, dominant doesnt give you the right to be rude, two different things.

[MENTION=139471]princeuk[/MENTION]

Never forget bro, our parents sacrificed their whole lives in Pakistan, including leaving their family, friends, school, culture etc. They suffered discrimination, worked long hours, ate less to send money to family back in Pak, looked after you as if they were rich.

Completely agree with this.

Girls from Pakistan who marry into established families in the west have never went through the struggle that many immigrants have faced, and they dont realize the sacrifices it took to get there.

 

[Itachi]

It is the inlaws house. Per Islamic rules the OP is responsible to take care of his wife and her expenses. Not his parents.




The Ehsaan comment was made by his wife, when she took for granted the free day care that his parents are providing.



This is an EHSAAN. Anyone who does not think is an EHSAAN is a very ungrateful person.

1. If it's the in laws house, then OP has failed to perform his duty according to the very Islamic guidelines as a result of which now conflict occurs between his wife and the in laws. It was a mess created by OP in the first place if I go by your logic.

2. Context of ehsaan in my post wasn't OP but other posters who have been pointing that she is honeytrapping/receiving green card for UK.

3. If the wife does contribute monetarily to the house hold, then yup, it isnt Ehsan by the parents but a mutual arrangement. You scratch my back, I scratch yout back type of arrangement.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

1. If it's the in laws house, then OP has failed to perform his duty according to the very Islamic guidelines as a result of which now conflict occurs between his wife and the in laws. It was a mess created by OP in the first place if I go by your logic.

2. Context of ehsaan in my post wasn't OP but other posters who have been pointing that she is honeytrapping/receiving green card for UK.

3. If the wife does contribute monetarily to the house hold, then yup, it isnt Ehsan by the parents but a mutual arrangement. You scratch my back, I scratch yout back type of arrangement.

1 - Not really, as he asked his wife before marriage. From the OP

I married from paksitan i thought they respect family values and i dont plan to move out as i am the only son and only me will look after my parents and she knows this, otherwise i could have married form here the girls who wanted to be independent if i had known then i would have just married from here. SHe is distant relative although we didnt know the family very well in our younger days.

3 - We dont have enough details, but If i had to guess their is no way she is contributing anything equivalent to the cost of daycare.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Rubbish. You're posting a lot of garbage in this thread. Have you considered the size of Pakistan's population? Even a small percentage of the population being upper middle to upper class means tens of millions of people, or millions of households. The desire to educate the daughters is very high among this group of the population. Not only for the purposes of education and professional jobs, but also to increase the marriage prospects.

As for the USA, sure there are plenty of educated Pakistani origin boys/girls who get married in Pakistan. But there are also plenty of boys/girls doing your average jobs, such as taxi driving (in the case of men), working in factories and supermarkets etc. This latter group especially ends up marrying girls/boys from Pakistan. And do you think they go to the pinds to choose uneducated boys and girls to bring over to the USA as husbands and wives? Of course not. When, by dangling a US Passport they can get their pick of good looking, educated girls/boys, from wealthier backgrounds, for all the reasons outlined previously,
ie



I suggest you go and understand the realities of life before posting further.

Its rubbish and garbage to not believe that western Pakistani guys who are taxi drivers, and working in supermarkets are getting beautiful girls who are well educated from upper middle class to upper class families in Pakistan???????

Have you considered the size of Pakistan's population? Even a small percentage of the population being upper middle to upper class means tens of millions of people, or millions of households. The desire to educate the daughters is very high among this group of the population. Not only for the purposes of education and professional jobs, but also to increase the marriage prospects.

Yes but not for guys working in menial jobs. And not everyone in Pakistan wants to leave for the west, especially people in the upper middle class and above.

 

[IMMY69]

I do feel for the opening poster. I also think that moving out may not be the solution.
It's unfortunate but 18 years will pass and the kid will be off to uni and he can then start to think about his future

 

[DeadlyVenom]

[MENTION=51465]DeadlyVenom[/MENTION] - I am very well educated and in a professional job working for the government so no need to worry there, we are both educated so I wouldnt expect from her what i wouldnt do myself on most things. I married from paksitan i thought they respect family values and i dont plan to move out as i am the only son and only me will look after my parents and she knows this, otherwise i could have married form here the girls who wanted to be independent if i had known then i would have just married from here. SHe is distant relative although we didnt know the family very well in our younger days.

No worries bro - I genuinely things work out for you. Obviously its difficult grasping a situation over a forum so nobody knows the reality apart from you.

The only thing i can add is that I have seen successful joint family set-ups, both with girls from here and PK, so it is an option but requires compromise from everyone.

Best of luck my brother, I can only imagine the toll it is taking on you all and hope you come to a resolution.

 

[Ahmad-GERMANFC]

OP, you seriously thought all girls in Pakistan are of the same mezaaj? Quite the lottery you played there

 

[Itachi]

OP, you seriously thought all girls in Pakistan are of the same mezaaj? Quite the lottery you played there

She's a distant relative so I think the Intel provided wasn't that good. It wasn't like the girl was a stranger.

 

[sindhiboy]

OP, you seriously thought all girls in Pakistan are of the same mezaaj? Quite the lottery you played there

So a husband should expect his wife to insult his parents?

 

[Itachi]

So a husband should expect his wife to insult his parents?

Nope. He was stating the out of the world naivety of painting all people with same color.

 

[IMMY69]

Its so cheap, you can have a full roti & salan meal for 2 for less than £5.00!

I would of phoned the mrs, saying grap some rotis for yourself and Ill give you a £1.00 when you get home. A balti for me too.


View attachment 111891

Off topic
I'm going to Birmingham in a few weeks.
Which restaurant would you recommend for Pakistani food?
Proper, authentic food

 

[Stewie]

Yep. People think because their is a stigma of divorce it is usually the wife who is staying in unhappy marriages. However many times its the husband who is the victim.

And some women take advantage of shareef guys. They view that as a weakness. Behavior like this:





Completely agree with this.

Girls from Pakistan who marry into established families in the west have never went through the struggle that many immigrants have faced, and they dont realize the sacrifices it took to get there.

I disagree with the last part. As children, we don’t owe anything to our parents, in my opinion, except love, respect and care which we can provide without compromising or our personal lives. Because we did not ask to be brought into this world. We did not ask them to make any difficult decisions for us and make their lives difficult. It was their choice to move from Pakistan and it’s for a better life for themselves not just for their kids.

I am a father and if I am doing something for my children, i will not expect anything in return. And I fully expect they don’t feel obligated to do anything for me. This sort of mentality is very typical in our culture. You should not have to worry about repaying your parents because they took care of you. You pay it forward by taking care of yourself own family like they did. I am not saying abandon your parents but stay within reason with such emotions.

 

[Stewie]

1. If it's the in laws house, then OP has failed to perform his duty according to the very Islamic guidelines as a result of which now conflict occurs between his wife and the in laws. It was a mess created by OP in the first place if I go by your logic.

2. Context of ehsaan in my post wasn't OP but other posters who have been pointing that she is honeytrapping/receiving green card for UK.

3. If the wife does contribute monetarily to the house hold, then yup, it isnt Ehsan by the parents but a mutual arrangement. You scratch my back, I scratch yout back type of arrangement.

I fully agree with 3.

I alluded to that myself in one of my previous posts here. Desi joint system a lot of time is a symbiotic relationship. They are all benefitting from each other. And there is nothing wrong with it. There should be no mention of ehsaan or favors here. If the parents provide a house, the children provide for a stable income and living and the grandparents can take care of the children. Which is only for a few years before the children start going to school.

 

[Stewie]

Its rubbish and garbage to not believe that western Pakistani guys who are taxi drivers, and working in supermarkets are getting beautiful girls who are well educated from upper middle class to upper class families in Pakistan???????




Yes but not for guys working in menial jobs. And not everyone in Pakistan wants to leave for the west, especially people in the upper middle class and above.

I am in the US and I know that people in pakistan are very wary of marrying their daughters in the west. There have been number of issues and lots of tragic stories around it. I am and educated and qualified professional, belonging to a very well respected family but most middle class to upper middle class people avoided considering any marriage proposals.

I have yet to see a case here where gas station attendants and cabbies have highly qualified wives belonging to upper middle or upper class families in Pakistan.

 

[Yossarian]

I disagree with the last part. As children, we don’t owe anything to our parents, in my opinion, except love, respect and care which we can provide without compromising or our personal lives. Because we did not ask to be brought into this world. We did not ask them to make any difficult decisions for us and make their lives difficult. It was their choice to move from Pakistan and it’s for a better life for themselves not just for their kids.

I am a father and if I am doing something for my children, i will not expect anything in return. And I fully expect they don’t feel obligated to do anything for me. This sort of mentality is very typical in our culture. You should not have to worry about repaying your parents because they took care of you. You pay it forward by taking care of yourself own family like they did. I am not saying abandon your parents but stay within reason with such emotions.

100% agree.

I recall hearing about a teenage lad who was having a heated argument with his parents.

"I was only born as a by product of you too having mazaa with each other." he shouted at them.

 

[princeuk]

The other day bizarely she said "your parents are looking after YOUR kid, they arent doing it for me" as in no ehsaan on me kind of thing, i dont know how to deal with this mentalility.

 

[Itachi]

The other day bizarely she said "your parents are looking after YOUR kid, they arent doing it for me" as in no ehsaan on me kind of thing, i dont know how to deal with this mentalility.

It means she is urging for some kind of care, love as the daughter in law. "your" in this context means that they (your mother and father) cares about the kid since they are your lineage. But since she's coming from a different home, they don't show the same compassion towards her which she is wishing. She feels alien in that house.

It seems like there are lots of misunderstanding going on and you are failing to understand the issues that she is trying to address.

 

[Stewie]

The other day bizarely she said "your parents are looking after YOUR kid, they arent doing it for me" as in no ehsaan on me kind of thing, i dont know how to deal with this mentalility.

I think this thread has reached its maximum utility. Whatever advice, suggestions, ideas, etc you could get from perfect strangers on the internet, you have it already.
Anymore discussion here would probably be for the sake of gossiping, chaska, and honestly it doesn’t seem like anything here will help sway your mind.
Seems like you just wanted validation for your sentiment and not a path to reconciliation. I wish you all the best and a friendly advice: don’t become a source of online entertainment for others.
You have all you need to handle this issue on your own way. Keep complaining about your wife here won’t do any good.

 

[Ryw]

She knows she has achieved her target and since she knows you have a kid together,she can milk you for life even after divorce, such are the family law courts systems works in west, biased towards men.
You are on your own now. Expect no help from courts as you have expierenced in this thread liberals simps and feminists already declaired you the monster. Stay strong and leave her. She will blackmail you through kid but try to create a strong bond between you and kid. I feel for you she has ruined your life. #MGTOW

 

[Itachi]

I think this thread has reached its maximum utility. Whatever advice, suggestions, ideas, etc you could get from perfect strangers on the internet, you have it already.
Anymore discussion here would probably be for the sake of gossiping, chaska, and honestly it doesn’t seem like anything here will help sway your mind.
Seems like you just wanted validation for your sentiment and not a path to reconciliation. I wish you all the best and a friendly advice: don’t become a source of online entertainment for others.
You have all you need to handle this issue on your own way. Keep complaining about your wife here won’t do any good.

Sound advice. Talked like a big brother telling his little one. OP should listen to this regardless he agrees or disagrees.

 

[in_cutter]

The other day bizarely she said "your parents are looking after YOUR kid, they arent doing it for me" as in no ehsaan on me kind of thing, i dont know how to deal with this mentalility.

That tells me she is not getting the respect she deserves. As many have pointed out, you need your own space.

 

[sindhiboy]

She knows she has achieved her target and since she knows you have a kid together,she can milk you for life even after divorce, such are the family law courts systems works in west, biased towards men.
You are on your own now. Expect no help from courts as you have expierenced in this thread liberals simps and feminists already declaired you the monster. Stay strong and leave her. She will blackmail you through kid but try to create a strong bond between you and kid. I feel for you she has ruined your life. #MGTOW

I agree.Some mental gymnastics to justify the wife's behavior

 

[topspin]

Off topic
I'm going to Birmingham in a few weeks.
Which restaurant would you recommend for Pakistani food?
Proper, authentic food

My top 4:

1. Tipu Sultan
2. Akbars
3. My Lahore
4. Farmhouse (Coventry)

But I'm sure [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] will have a better idea than me but those are my suggestions.

 

[IMMY69]

My top 4:

1. Tipu Sultan
2. Akbars
3. My Lahore
4. Farmhouse (Coventry)

But I'm sure [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] will have a better idea than me but those are my suggestions.

Thanks mate ��

 

[dildilpak]

The other day bizarely she said "your parents are looking after YOUR kid, they arent doing it for me" as in no ehsaan on me kind of thing, i dont know how to deal with this mentalility.

Put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Why she has to feel perennially beholden, obligated to your parents because as per you, they are doing something what they want to do - i.e. spend time with their grandchild? The decision that your parents will babysit is solely between you & your parents. I dont think you have ever addressed why you cant put that child in a daycare if your parents are getting stressed out due to their health conditions. The baby is not that young anymore - many 14 months old go to daycare & thrive in that environment.

But again, you want to put the burden of the child on your aged parents & then complain about your wife that she is not obligated to them for doing it. As i said before, you have already made up your mind that she is not as grateful as she ought to be & nothing we say will change your mind.

 

[KingKhanWC]

My top 4:

1. Tipu Sultan
2. Akbars
3. My Lahore
4. Farmhouse (Coventry)

But I'm sure [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] will have a better idea than me but those are my suggestions.

Yes the more famous ones.
[MENTION=491]IMMY69[/MENTION]

There are hundreds. Depends which area you will be visiting but try Ladypool Rd, Statford Rd , Coventry Road. I wouldnt like to recommend any in particular as some are very busy esp on weekends. I used to go to Taste of Pakistan for breakfast, very good. There is also a Lebanese & Moroccan place Al Bader if you fancy something different, always decent. If you like Katlama , Sheereen Kadah, one of the oldest in Bham.

Or pop to mine, bring your own chappaties, I can only make 2.

 

[in_cutter]

My top 4:

1. Tipu Sultan
2. Akbars
3. My Lahore
4. Farmhouse (Coventry)

But I'm sure [MENTION=43583]KingKhanWC[/MENTION] will have a better idea than me but those are my suggestions.

[MENTION=491]IMMY69[/MENTION]

None of these are authentic. Tipu Sultan & Akbars are generic curries. My Lahore is fusion. If you wamt authentic desi food:

Desi Dera (Alum Rock)
Namak Mandi (Small Heath)..right next door to this is Dera
Kabul Darbar (Alum Rock)
Taste Of Khyber (Alum Rock).

 

[in_cutter]

[MENTION=491]IMMY69[/MENTION] I generally avoid posh looking restaurants like Tipu Sultan & Akbars. They precook curries & heat them up..add extra chillies here and there.

 

[Sir Alex]

The best marriages work when there is little intereference from others, and where partners are equals more or less. Recently my spouse and I were faced with this tension with a set of our parents. The solution was easy - respect the elders and move out amicably to be on our own. Worked like a charm. There is a lot of love, but some relationships are always best when there is a bit of a gap between those.

 

[IMMY69]

Yes the more famous ones.
[MENTION=491]IMMY69[/MENTION]

There are hundreds. Depends which area you will be visiting but try Ladypool Rd, Statford Rd , Coventry Road. I wouldnt like to recommend any in particular as some are very busy esp on weekends. I used to go to Taste of Pakistan for breakfast, very good. There is also a Lebanese & Moroccan place Al Bader if you fancy something different, always decent. If you like Katlama , Sheereen Kadah, one of the oldest in Bham.

Or pop to mine, bring your own chappaties, I can only make 2.

If I ever do that I'll make sure to bring a packet of Shan's

Thanks for the suggestions.
Dropped my son to Uni there last Friday so I'm sure I'll be visiting the city and exploring the culinary delights in the near future

 

[IMMY69]

[MENTION=491]IMMY69[/MENTION] I generally avoid posh looking restaurants like Tipu Sultan & Akbars. They precook curries & heat them up..add extra chillies here and there.

Thanks!
That's what they do here in North London too.
Heat it up in a wok, add some extra chillies and drench it in oil...

Of course there are a few gems here too but by in large it's all pre cooked

 

[ElRaja]

Thanks!
That's what they do here in North London too.
Heat it up in a wok, add some extra chillies and drench it in oil...

Of course there are a few gems here too but by in large it's all pre cooked

whats a good pakistani resutarant in north or north east london, ive mostly been disappointed, where they obviously "peacock" curries, didnt know the term before, but is very useful. i want to eat fresh chappli kebabs, but am open to other pakistani food too.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

Yes the more famous ones.
[MENTION=491]IMMY69[/MENTION]

There are hundreds. Depends which area you will be visiting but try Ladypool Rd, Statford Rd , Coventry Road. I wouldnt like to recommend any in particular as some are very busy esp on weekends. I used to go to Taste of Pakistan for breakfast, very good. There is also a Lebanese & Moroccan place Al Bader if you fancy something different, always decent. If you like Katlama , Sheereen Kadah, one of the oldest in Bham.

Or pop to mine, bring your own chappaties, I can only make 2.

 

[IMMY69]

whats a good pakistani resutarant in north or north east london, ive mostly been disappointed, where they obviously "peacock" curries, didnt know the term before, but is very useful. i want to eat fresh chappli kebabs, but am open to other pakistani food too.

Taste of Pakistan in Hounslow does a decent Karahi and Chapali kebab.

Otherwise for the usual Lahore names restaurants go for the daily special..
That will be your best bet for a freshly cooked meal.

Lahori Junction just opened up in Kingsbury.
We wanted Lamb Charsi Karahi (on the bone) and the chef literally went across to the butchers, bought the lamb and in just over an hour we had the most awesome Karahi.
Best call in to order this dish before getting there to avoid a long wait.

Alladins in West Hendon specialise in Karachi style dishes.
So their Karachi style Nehari is decent snd they do a nice Karachi Korma too.

 

[Itachi]

Guys you are way off topic here. This thread needs a clean up.

 

[IAJ]

From a serious marriage question to best restaurants in town, what on earth?