Mother versus Wife

[kaayal]

Everytime you yell at your husband after he comes from work, always remember that he is silent in front of you. But internally he is giving you choicest Galis too.

Husband silent does not mean that you can walk all over him and take out your anger on him.

And neither i have time for this nonsense. I have my own job and lot of other problems to take care of.

Tbh I let out my frustration by crying most of the time. It's that emotional outburst that occur once every month. I just need a shoulder in those times . After that am perfectly okay.

 

[Itachi]

In any disputes the husband should take a stance in favour of the mother as she expects a lot from her ladla beta. Hurting her will be like killing a part of her. So don't get angry on her even if she is on the wrong side.

Being a wife i just let go off my ego in front of my in-laws but blast my husband when i get into our room. It feels free a lot after letting out all my frustrations in front of him lol.

Still better to stay away and visit and call them more often than not. They are elders, need respect and care a lot.

To be honest, in the long run it's a dangerous sign due to the fact that, both the person gets exhausted from an issue that has no solution.

 

[kaayal]

To be honest, in the long run it's a dangerous sign due to the fact that, both the person gets exhausted from an issue that has no solution.

Change in behaviour will come from both sides slowly. It will take time to resolve everything. Kids play a major role here.

No matter how stubborn are your in-laws, We can't disrespect them. They made your husband what he is now. If wife just let go off her ego and forgive everything that will save a lot of tension for herself and for her husband. It's easier to say than done but still not impossible.

One of these women should forgive and forget...otherwise there will no family.

 

[kaayal]

And if there is any physical abuse, better to pack your bag and go somewhere which is safe.

 

[sshakir411]

too late for the mom to demand that now. Desi families need to get rid of the joint family system because in today's day and age it causes way too many issues. So many women should not be living together under a roof unless they're sisters.

 

[Itachi]

Change in behaviour will come from both sides slowly. It will take time to resolve everything. Kids play a major role here.

No matter how stubborn are your in-laws, We can't disrespect them. They made your husband what he is now. If wife just let go off her ego and forgive everything that will save a lot of tension for herself and for her husband. It's easier to say than done but still not impossible.

One of these women should forgive and forget...otherwise there will no family.

I have seen many women becoming victims of mental abuse by in laws while in the process of accommodating.

A serious question. Where you'll draw the line between adapting to new family and calling it quit.

 

[Itachi]

too late for the mom to demand that now. Desi families need to get rid of the joint family system because in today's day and age it causes way too many issues. So many women should not be living together under a roof unless they're sisters.

In desi family, unmarried sister in laws causes more trouble than the mother in law herself.

 

[Suleiman]

Well good thing I can have 3 other wives

 

[Pakpak]

Desis have a bad habit of comparing relationships. Each relationship should be given the respect it deserves separate from another relationship. It should never come down to wife OR mother. Both have their respect in their own place. The fact some here are boiling it down to ''mother OR wife'', its a good thing they're not married yet. Just because someone is your mother does not mean she is infallible. Mothers are not God. Same goes for wives. If a mother asks you to choose between her and your wife (and potentially ruin your and your kids' lives) then she hasn't really got your best interests at heart. Same goes for the wives.

Marriage is a very sacred thing (religiously too and rightly even though I am not religious), to be so flippant about choosing A over B and thus destroying a marriage shows some people are not ready for marriage.

 

[shaz619]

Well good thing I can have 3 other wives

Good god almighty! somebody stop the dayyum match! the mother is not meant to be treated by the 3 wives like that!

 

[JaDed]

And neither i have time for this nonsense. I have my own job and lot of other problems to take care of.

Tbh I let out my frustration by crying most of the time. It's that emotional outburst that occur once every month. I just need a shoulder in those times . After that am perfectly okay.

A very predictable trait of girls/women from what i observe.

 

[Moiza]

I personally don't think a son should live with his parents after marriage. In our culture, it's unfortunately expected of sons to live with their parents forever even after marriage. That's why you see so many problems in desi households because the mother and the daughter-in-law never get along. Thankfully my mother is an understanding not so clingy mother so I don't think I would have to deal with this saas bahu fights.

As for the question, I would choose to stand up for the one that is right. Unfortunately majority of Pakistani men will always stand up for their mothers even if the mother is in the wrong and the poor wife is not to blame. But I'm not like that.

Well I get your point but our society is not like the west where 2 old people can live a decent enough life even without their children. Moreover desi parents literally work away their lives to support their children and I think wishing to live with their son is the right more than anything.

From what I have seen its mostly the wife's fault. The mother will always start the fight she usually mothers are quite older than DILs but there is a serious inability to adapt shown by many women now a days which ultimately leads to bad scenarios. I have seen that parents argue a lot on stuff which is wrong as they start to get older and rather than getting annoyed the younger ones should act a little more mature and go with it. But then again its different for some people because there are a few personalities who survive just by fighting but for most part sensible behavior is the key.

 

[KingKhanWC]

In The Bible, there are at least four separate verses stating that a man must eventually leave his mother and cleave unto his wife.

It's the eventually part which can be confusing . : )

Do you remember when Botham stated he wouldn't send his mother in law to Pakistan? It seems this subject of getting on with in laws is not confined to Asian culture.

Would it be fair to say in the 'English culture' the wife is sided with more while in the Asian culture it's the mother? Why do you think this is the case?

 

[chacha kashmiri]

Happy birthday to Amir

Not sure why he went to America for marriage
But I thought the same when Louise mensch got married in America too

 

[aloo paratha]

Typical desi drama problem

Depends who's right and who's wrong, I would just opt out of the situation and let them deal with their own problems. If it was to get heated then I would probably choose my mom, still depends on the situation.

 

[PakLFC]

But you'd divorce the child's mother. What are the chances the child will put you first in the future? Slim at best.

Child support and visitation hours won't mean much to the child. If the mother gets full custody (happens in many cases) you are shut right out.

Supporting one's mother is wonderful but it should be done with a clear mind knowing what the consequences are of this decision.

It's not a decision one should make lightly or with a preconceived notion of who is right.

Did not say would divorce her but explain that can't leave my parents in old age. If my kid's don't put me first then that is no reason for me to the same. I will not divorce my wife for such a trivial reason at all neither would I ever ask her to choose between me and her parents. Point is that parents can't look after themselves in old age where as your spouse can.

 

[kingusama92]

Did not say would divorce her but explain that can't leave my parents in old age. If my kid's don't put me first then that is no reason for me to the same. I will not divorce my wife for such a trivial reason at all neither would I ever ask her to choose between me and her parents. Point is that parents can't look after themselves in old age where as your spouse can.

OP's scenario stated it's essentially a final choice between wife and mother.

Your way is ideal of course, but it's clear in this scenario the wife is well past reconciliation. This is when a tough choice has to be made.

Horrible spot for a man to be in.

 

[kaayal]

I have seen many women becoming victims of mental abuse by in laws while in the process of accommodating.

A serious question. Where you'll draw the line between adapting to new family and calling it quit.

I myself don't know when and where will be that tipping point. Maybe when i have kids and they have to fight it out with their cousins and elders to get something for them. And you know that jeolousy in desi families....I don't want my kids to be raised in such an environment.

A woman may tolerate most of the bad things that come on her way but when it comes to her children she will be a tigress.

 

[yasir]

Just say they are both in the wrong for whatever reason but demand you choose one?

For me I would stick with my mother. You can always find another wife....I suppose.

That's very immature thinking, are you married right now??

When you have kids, you cannot find new mother from Amazon.com, its little complicated, you actually have a family, wife is not like getting new Bimmer. At that point you and like what we do in family, compromise and find middle ground. All three have to compromise. I love my Mom, but I love my kids too, they need my attention and happy family more since they are way too young, I would not be going for Mattresses that quickly

Also, Our Mom's primary family is with his Husband, when kids start their own family, micro managing your kids family is not very practical, I bet you she did not liked when her Saas interfere in her new family. Its like America interfere in Pakistan's affair, ideally we don't want the big brother looking over us all the time, Independence is important for families too, Mom's take time to realize that they have to let it go(cut the cord) and let them manage their family, delegation is something hard for them...

Other key point is Human at younger age needs their mom(and Dad) a lot more than anything else, that's why we have family concept to begin with. When your kids are 30 years old, you have done your job, but try to separating your kids from their kids in the name of Sas banu is more of selfish desire... If your Mom force you to break away from your wife and find a new one, guess what statistically, second time ratio of divorce is much higher than first time, what kind of path you are leading your kid into?? - In this whole process, you have never thought about grand kids... Divorce and broken families take 2/3 generation to recover, many times its silly emotional thing between two people that could have been avoided in the first place. I would ask my Mom, why don't you divorce one of her Son/Daughter? - She would be willing to give away a whole lot. At the same time I would tell my wife, that I can leave my Mom, but she has to leave all her family too(complete boycott to Susral), when you put stacks like that, they are more willing to compromise. Its not like you have to suffer, they both have to have stack in the family business too. You cannot let little emotions run the show.

 

[Dr_Bassim]

If you can't balance the two, then you aren't a complete man yet.

Most of the people here, who are commenting aren't even married yet, so they are assuming ditching the wife is glorious work.

The Quran says "Heaven lies under the feet of the mother".

The Quran also says "Children have a responsibility towards their parents especially mother and father."

So why should your wife bear the brunt of your mother's criticism or cook for her and do everything in the house for your mother, while you slave away at work, to bring something for your wife?

Infact, in Islam, it's YOUR DUTY (not the wife's duty) to give food and all the favors to your mother.

Desi people have a shameful mentality, that after getting married, just tell the wife "This is my mother, respect her, for she is my mother, and do everything she tells you to, because she is my mother".

Why the hell should she respect your mother, when you haven't respected the woman you are marrying to the equivalent degree.

More could be said on this topic, and it wouldn't be enough.

However, gradually you find, both of them are important in your life, and you balance them out.

And it takes a complete man to learn how to do it. A beautiful journey into relationships and how they should be managed in life.

Not an immature teen claiming mother is best, or another immature man , thinking about stepping into a relationship with all the eggs in mother's basket.

 

[Pakpak]

If you can't balance the two, then you aren't a complete man yet.

Most of the people here, who are commenting aren't even married yet, so they are assuming ditching the wife is glorious work.

The Quran says "Heaven lies under the feet of the mother".

The Quran also says "Children have a responsibility towards their parents especially mother and father."

So why should your wife bear the brunt of your mother's criticism or cook for her and do everything in the house for your mother, while you slave away at work, to bring something for your wife?

Infact, in Islam, it's YOUR DUTY (not the wife's duty) to give food and all the favors to your mother.

Desi people have a shameful mentality, that after getting married, just tell the wife "This is my mother, respect her, for she is my mother, and do everything she tells you to, because she is my mother".

Why the hell should she respect your mother, when you haven't respected the woman you are marrying to the equivalent degree.

More could be said on this topic, and it wouldn't be enough.

However, gradually you find, both of them are important in your life, and you balance them out.

And it takes a complete man to learn how to do it. A beautiful journey into relationships and how they should be managed in life.

Not an immature teen claiming mother is best, or another immature man , thinking about stepping into a relationship with all the eggs in mother's basket.

Excellent post.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Everytime you yell at your husband after he comes from work, always remember that he is silent in front of you. But internally he is giving you choicest Galis too.

Husband silent does not mean that you can walk all over him and take out your anger on him.

From her post, it seems like she shouts at her husband in private reg matters related to her in-laws against whom she doesn't want to argue or fight.

She says she lets go off her ego in front of them which seems like she feels they were being irrational.

In any disputes the husband should take a stance in favour of the mother as she expects a lot from her ladla beta. Hurting her will be like killing a part of her. So don't get angry on her even if she is on the wrong side.

Being a wife i just let go off my ego in front of my in-laws but blast my husband when i get into our room. It feels free a lot after letting out all my frustrations in front of him lol.

Still better to stay away and visit and call them more often than not. They are elders, need respect and care a lot.

Change in behaviour will come from both sides slowly. It will take time to resolve everything. Kids play a major role here.

No matter how stubborn are your in-laws, We can't disrespect them. They made your husband what he is now. If wife just let go off her ego and forgive everything that will save a lot of tension for herself and for her husband. It's easier to say than done but still not impossible.

One of these women should forgive and forget...otherwise there will no family.

You seem to have a lot of emotional maturity which is extremely crucial in a relationship.

However I don't agree with your view that a husband should always favour his mom so as to not hurt her and then make up with his wife in private.

Doing so for certain instances is fine but if that's done for every instance (no matter how irrational his mom is), it can be cause a strain in his relationship with his wife down the road.

Same argument applies if the irrational person is his wife.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

^Same argument as in can't always take the side of his irrational wife and let his relationship with mom get strained.

 

[TQ89]

This a very strange thread....for me at least !!

I am around 24 at the moment but strangely enough my parents have directed me that the day I get married, I need to find my own place and settle down independently. Even though I am overseas at the moment and technically independent but don't you think.... Isn't this weird ??

I mean you'd expect the parents to actually enforce a joint family methodology specially for the Eldest Son but contrary to popular beliefs they want me to move out

My Dad was all like: 'Once you get married, you're invited to dine and socialize with us but I cannot allow you to be here on a permanent basis - so before you marry, please find your own domestic lodging'

- I am really contemplating on not getting married anytime soon I guess ; this kind of a move will seriously dent my income big time !!

Same here Bro. Am hardly saving anything at the moment & the job market continues to deteriorate day by day. I guess this is what adulthood is like