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The Lame Jokes Thread

2015 mein paper aise hon ge.

Q No1. Pakistan mein bijli kis shehar mein pai jati hai?

Q No2. Cheeni ka zaiqa kaisa hota hai?
......
Q No3. petrol kin cheezon mein istamal hota hai?

Q No4. Khud khush hamla awar per note likhen.

Q No5. Namrood,firon aur zardari mein kia fark hai Misal de kar vazahat karen
 
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boom Boom!

(I had this Joke lined up had Pakistan beaten India in the SF!)
 
Why did the cook get arrested?.............................Because he beat up an egg.

Why do you go to bed?...........................................Because the bed won't come to you.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at it and asks: "So, why the long face?"
 
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a saudi was being interviewd at the us embassy to get a visa


<b>Consul</b> : your name please?
<b>Saudi:</b> Sheikh Abdul-Aziz
<b>Consul</b> : Sex?
<b>Saudi</b> : six time a week
<b>Consul</b> : i meant male or female?
<b> Saudi</b> : Both male and female, sometime even camels
<b>Consul</b> : holy cow!
<b> Saudi </b> : yes cows & dogs too
<b> Consul </b> : man! isnt that hostile?
<b>Saudi</b> : horse style,dog style any style
<b> Consul </b> : Oh Dear!
<b> Saudi </b> : no deer! they run too fast!
 
Indian Hell ....:)

Man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told ,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour . Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour . Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks , "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!
 
Jungle animals go on a picnic. The bus they are traveling in hits a tree, flips over the railing and crashes down in the ravine.

All the animals in bus are seriously injured but the emergency team only treats the sole ant in the bus. WHY?





Ant Bhala to sabh bhala
 
Anti-joke filched from a site:

A black man walks into a bar wearing nothing but a bra and a jockstrap. The bartender asks:
"Why in the world are you dressed like that?"
The black man replies,
"Because I forgot to clean my regular laundry today and this is all I have to wear that isn't dirty"
The bartender says,
"Well, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave, since you are in violation of the dress code"
The black man agrees and leaves without incident.
 
Time for WLFC to contribute in this thread:

My mate just put on Facebook, "Loving the weather! Taking the kids to the park".

I commented, "I'm doing the opposite".

He wrote, "You working?"

I wrote, "No, I'm taking kids from the park".
 
Has anyone else noticed that "Barack Obama" is an anagram for "Bomb America"?

Yeah people don't really check anagrams nowadays
 
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."
"You crafty ****!" said the fairy.
 
Little Johnny to father " Dad, I spent the whole last night with neighbor's daughter for the first time"

Father with a tense look "Iiii hope youuu uussed somethingggg"

Little Johnny "Yes Dad, I used a facemask"
 
banta singh goes to his friend santa singhs house and is shocked when santa opens the door abslutly naked .

banta. go wear someting u idiot

santa .ok (he goes inside.and comes back wearing sleepers
santa .is that ok?
 
Two men walked into a bar and ordered a large bottle of whisky each. One had just found out that his wife had left him and taken the kids with her due to his inability to provide the quality of life she had expected even though he had tried his utmost and channelled every last bit of energy he posessed to progress but it had now dawned upon him that he was basically destined to fail regardless of what he did or tried to do. The other was just a bum who had found £20 on the road and thought of nothing better to do than to drink himself silly.
 
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mastermind_quad said:
Indian Hell ....:)

Man dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told ,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour . Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour . Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks , "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!
Click to expand...


love this
 
A man comes home one night and finds his wife in bed with another man. He viciously begins to beat them both to death with a chair leg. As he's beating them he notices the wallpaper in the room is different to usual. He then realises he's in the wrong house. He continues beating the innocent couple though as he is past the point of no return and not finishing them off will just cause them more suffering for the remainder of their lives.
 
What did the doctor say to the man with no arms? Very little actually, and the patient actually left the consultation feeling entirely bemused having waited months for the appointment. The doctor was struck off a few months later, after receiving dozens of complaints due to continued idle behaviour.
 
child is drowning in the water and everybody is idly watching by

suddenly a splash is heard and there is a sardar in the water...he rescues the kid...and comes out to veciferous applause! the sardar turns red and says...

who the hell pushed me into the water!
 
Prince_Pathan said:
child is drowning in the water and everybody is idly watching by

suddenly a splash is heard and there is a sardar in the water...he rescues the kid...and comes out to veciferous applause! the sardar turns red and says...

who the hell pushed me into the water!
Click to expand...

Copyright Om Puri 'Malamaal Weekly'.
 
Prince_Pathan said:
i didnt say it was mine :)))

is this supposed to be a original thread? surely every joke is taken from somebody else :P
Click to expand...

I was just showing off my knowledge of half decent Bollywood comedy.

My 'jokes' have been my own apart from one Borat one i posted a few years ago, but that was even lamer then my own.
 
haha really? they are funny lol...

all mine are sort of explicity and involve things that would give me an infarction lol


but heres something i found a while back


Pyaaaray Lal,

I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.

Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn't' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom
 
An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Newfoundlander replies: "'Cause if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the feckin boat!"
 
Gujar said:
I was just showing off my knowledge of half decent Bollywood comedy.

My 'jokes' have been my own apart from one Borat one i posted a few years ago, but that was even lamer then my own.
Click to expand...

Kudos Gujar Mian! Your stuff is hilarious! Most of mine are my own too, and it shows LOL
 
ace4rmspace said:
Kudos Gujar Mian! Your stuff is hilarious! Most of mine are my own too, and it shows LOL
Click to expand...

Same to you bro, your stuff has been quality too. Same for Paradox, Sledger, Prince_Pathan etc. earlier. PPers showing their creative side, good to see.
 
A Pakistani guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman were traveling in a train.
The train went through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, the beautiful girl and the Pakistani guy were looking perplexed.
An Indian guy was bent over holding his face, which gets red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : That Indian guy must tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.
The Indian guy is thinking: Damn it, the Pakistani guy must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead.
The beautiful girl is thinking : that Indian guy must have moved to kiss me but kissed that old lady instead of me and got slapped.

And the Pakistani guy is thinking : "If train goes through another tunnel, i could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian guy again!"
 
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
 
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
 
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
 
knock knock
who is there
Misbah's hater
Misbah's hate who
LowkeyP

:akhtar

lol i am playing bro.
 
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Prince_Pathan said:
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Click to expand...

new thing i noticed that the first guy who was killed earlier knew about what happened after his death.

by the way interesting thought process by the chief :ibutt
 
To the man on crutches, wearing camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide but you can't run.

(*Not my own original attempt*)
 
In China many men smoke tobacco but Fu-manchu
 
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261450.jpg
 
prince_pathan said:
a saudi was being interviewd at the us embassy to get a visa


<b>consul</b> : Your name please?
<b>saudi:</b> sheikh abdul-aziz
<b>consul</b> : Sex?
<b>saudi</b> : Six time a week
<b>consul</b> : I meant male or female?
<b> saudi</b> : Both male and female, sometime even camels
<b>consul</b> : Holy cow!
<b> saudi </b> : Yes cows & dogs too
<b> consul </b> : Man! Isnt that hostile?
<b>saudi</b> : Horse style,dog style any style
<b> consul </b> : Oh dear!
<b> saudi </b> : No deer! They run too fast!
Click to expand...


looool :))) :))) :)))
 
ace4rmspace said:
Whats black and white and red all over?

A Skunk in a blender.
Click to expand...

Naah..thats not a joke.

Another version of that is:

Whats black white and red all over?

A beaten and raped penguin

Sit with brits and you'd know the variations of the "english" jokes and how to laugh at them. :shoaib:
 
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov the other night and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt and pepper!
 
I was feeling a little down earlier so I dipped my muslim friend in bleach.
Just trying to lighten Mahmood......
 
A man got married to his childhood sweetheart. On the eve of the wedding, the groom confessed to his best friend that he was not physically capable of consummating the marriage. His friend told him to buy a feeding bottle, fill it with milk and use it, whenever the situation arose.

The man followed his friend's advice, religiously, and life passed by pleasantly enough for some months. Then one day, to the man's horror, his wife revealed to him that she was expecting their first baby. Nine months passed, and the wife was admitted to a hospital where she delivered...





























... a huge ball of cheese!
 
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Suresh Iyer said:
A man got married to his childhood sweetheart. On the eve of the wedding, the groom confessed to his best friend that he was not physically capable of consummating the marriage. His friend told him to buy a feeding bottle, fill it with milk and use it, whenever the situation arose.

The man followed his friend's advice, religiously, and life passed by pleasantly enough for some months. Then one day, to the man's horror, his wife revealed to him that she was expecting their first baby. Nine months passed, and the wife was admitted to a hospital where she delivered...





























... a huge ball of cheese!
Click to expand...

Less+Than+a+Hundred+Tumbleweed.jpg
 
Man - Excuse me, want to dance?
Woman - No.
Man - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!
 
My wife said, "I want a divorce and half of everything you have"
So I put 50,000 indecent images of children on her laptop and called the police.
 
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really do it, I've got nothing left to live for!"
 
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her doing explicit things moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"


lol
 
Prince_Pathan said:
a saudi was being interviewd at the us embassy to get a visa


<b>Consul</b> : your name please?
<b>Saudi:</b> Sheikh Abdul-Aziz
<b>Consul</b> : Sex?
<b>Saudi</b> : six time a week
<b>Consul</b> : i meant male or female?
<b> Saudi</b> : Both male and female, sometime even camels
<b>Consul</b> : holy cow!
<b> Saudi </b> : yes cows & dogs too
<b> Consul </b> : man! isnt that hostile?
<b>Saudi</b> : horse style,dog style any style
<b> Consul </b> : Oh Dear!
<b> Saudi </b> : no deer! they run too fast!
Click to expand...

hahahahaha - tooo funny :))) :)))
 
WithLoveFromCanada said:
Naah..thats not a joke.

Another version of that is:

Whats black white and red all over?

A beaten and raped penguin

Sit with brits and you'd know the variations of the "english" jokes and how to laugh at them. :shoaib:
Click to expand...

Fair enough. I personally don't find abused and molested animals funny but what ever tickles you I guess.

Whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with slit arm-bands.

Dead babies, now they're hilarious!
 
Suresh Iyer said:
A man got married to his childhood sweetheart. On the eve of the wedding, the groom confessed to his best friend that he was not physically capable of consummating the marriage. His friend told him to buy a feeding bottle, fill it with milk and use it, whenever the situation arose.

The man followed his friend's advice, religiously, and life passed by pleasantly enough for some months. Then one day, to the man's horror, his wife revealed to him that she was expecting their first baby. Nine months passed, and the wife was admitted to a hospital where she delivered...





























... a huge ball of cheese!
Click to expand...



:)))
 
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