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The Lame Jokes Thread

its factually inaccurate, so cannot be accepted in jest or otherwise.
 
What did the Lion say when he ate the clown?

























It tasted funny :P
 
Q. What did the clown say after he ate the lion?
A. Lion meat protein has certain amino acids essential to the body that are lacking in any other kind of meat protein. Never leave home without it.
 
A man was playing cricket

Someone asked him why the hell you playing such a boring game?

He replied because I like it.HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA
 
Two cows were eating mineral water in the desert. Then one of them says:

-Speaking about milk, what's the time?

The other one pulls out a thermometer and says "Thursday"
 
Levity said:
Two cows were eating mineral water in the desert. Then one of them says:

-Speaking about milk, what's the time?

The other one pulls out a thermometer and says "Thursday"
Click to expand...

lame

This would have been funnier if she had said "ITS FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOwN ON FRIDAY'
 
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A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?"

"No Sir!" says the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"
 
levity said:
a piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says no strings allowed. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... But then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "you're that piece of string aren't you?"

"no sir!" says the string, "i'm a frayed knot!"
Click to expand...

hahahahaha hahahahaa
 
Levity said:
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that says NO STRINGS ALLOWED. Dejectedly, the piece of string leaves the bar... but then he has an idea. He ruffles out his edges a little bit and ties himself into a bow. Then he walks back into the bar, hops up on the barstool, and again orders a beverage. The bartender is deceived by the string's appearance only for a moment.
"hey....what are you doing back in here?" says the bartender. "You're that piece of string aren't you?"

"No Sir!" says the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Click to expand...

Top drawer!!!
 
Knock knock

Who is?

Is Latvian

Who Latvian?

Please, is very cold. I have no clothes and no shoe. Dog is too dead. We share dog for eat?

Is good! I have also grandma.

Good! We share grandma also for eat.

Yes. But only half grandma left.

Is ok.
 
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ace4rmspace said:
Knock knock

Who is?

Is Latvian

Who Latvian?

Please, is very cold. I have no clothes and no shoe. Dog is too dead. We share dog for eat?

Is good! I have also grandma.

Good! We share grandma also for eat.

Yes. But only half grandma left.

Is ok.
Click to expand...


Hehe! This is a lames joke thread, not SICK.
 
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
 
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
 
A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff and the big moron fell off. why didnt the little moron?

Because he was a little more on.
 
Four housewives at a party were discussing the respective merits of their husbands' mobile phones:

The first one said: Mere husband ke pass Moto Rola hai...

The other women were suitably impressed.

The second woman added: Mere husband ka Ericson bhi lajawab hai...

Again, the other women considered this statement with awe.

The third housewife piped in with: Mere husband ka Siemen dekh ke main roj pagal ho jati hoon...

Predictably, the listeners were wonder-struck.

Meanwhile the fourth woman appeared to have nothing to say about her husband's mobile. When the others forced her to describe it, she mumbled: Mere husband ka... No Kia
 
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A youngster who is bowling wide but fast

Pakistani coach: keep bowling fast as you can. you can sort your line and length later

Indian coach: cut down your pace so that you can have a good line and length
 
A man was awoken suddenly one morning by something flapping around his room. He realised a bird had somehow flew in through the window and bolted out of the room, in a cold sweat, slamming the door shut behind him.

Later that day the man was taking a shower when out of no where the bird flew in again through the window. The gentleman almost fell out of the shower, forgetting his towel on the hook on the door, just managing to slam the door shut again, before the bird (which was almost definitely an eagle or falcon of some sort) could cause him any physical harm.

A few hours later, after regaining his breath, the man drifted off to sleep in front of the TV. Whilst asleep he had a vision that the bird was trying to communicate a message to him. He jolted into conciousness and plucked up the courage to enter the bathroom. He opened the door to find a tiny little blue t1t sitting on the tap. As he got closer he could sense that he was receiving some sort of psychic message. As he edged closer his mum shouted up at him to come and eat roti and the bird flew out of the window.
 
A horse walked into a bar, the bartender told him "No animals allowed". But the horse didn't know what was going on, because horses can't speak, obviously. Apparently the horse had just followed a little midget woman. It was all due to a mis-under-standing.........
 
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A man was walking his dog in a tribal area of Afghanistan one day. His dog decided to relieve himself whilst the owner watched without a care in the world. They were suddenly spotted by a Taliban insurgent. Both owner and dog were killed immediately as the dog excrement landed and activated a landmine planted by the American army. The Taliban insurgent tried valiantly to save the pair but unfortunately he lacked the relevant medical training and facilities to even have any hope of salvaging life.
 
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return to her original seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot, that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the Blonde, who won't listen to reason.

'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak
blonde!'

The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,

'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne'.
 
Riddle: What is found in the backside of a cow and the frontside of a woman

Answer: What a dirty mind you have -- I meant the letter W
 
one man told his girlfriend "come at night no one will be there".

she goes and nobody is there.
 
After making an announcement in the flight, the pilot forgot to switch off the public announcement system. The first thing he said to the co-pilot after making the announcement was - "Man, I could really do with some coffee and a b*** j**."

The passengers heard it and started laughing. While an alarmed stewardess hurriedly walked towards to cockpit to tell the pilot to close the PA system, a passenger shouted at her - "Ma'am, don't forget the coffee".
 
Hasnain_786 said:
A youngster who is bowling wide but fast

Pakistani coach: keep bowling fast as you can. you can sort your line and length later

Indian coach: cut down your pace so that you can have a good line and length
Click to expand...

Bangladeshi coach: Become a slow left armer.
 
A man was celebrating his 21st birthday so his friends took him to the local pub. As they put in their drinks order, the barman overheard it was the birthday for one of them.

'Your drink is on the house!' he told the young man.

A few minutes later there was a huge crashing noise outside the pub. As the locals rushed out to see what had happened they saw a body lying there motionless. It was the young man whose birthday it was. He had fallen from the roof of the pub. He suffered from Aspergers so had a habit of taking things too literally.
 
I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window".

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window".

I said, "You do now".
 
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Eff off, you won't bring it back."


A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on war.

The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."


A American goes into a library and says, "I..."

The librarian interrupts and says, "Sorry, the McDonald's is round the corner."
 
Your mental health worries me sometimes Gujar, you still taking your pills? Solid effort! LOL


Whats worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Latvian: Is no worse. Eat worm next day.
 
There were three people at a fortune tellers house. One claimed to be the tallest, one claimed to be the the most shortest man on earth and the last one claimed to be the most ugliest man on earth.

So they all asked one by one.

Tallest went in and came out and was verry happy to be the tallest

Shortest went to the fortune teller and came back , was verry happy to hear that he was the shortest.

The third one who claimed to be the ugliest went in and camd out looking very sad.

So the tallest man aks whar happened, he responses who the f is muralidaran





Normally i use one of my friends name
 
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Sorry but that joke was totally lost on me, no fault of yours though Rizie, I have my stupidity to blame for that. The thing is, you started off by saying there were three people, one claimed to be the tallest and the second claim to be the shortest. That was two accounted for and I was rolling along nicely, anxious to know what the thirds claim to fame was. You went on to say the other two claimed to be the shortest which sort of confused me slightly. I had to go back to read it again as to make sure I didn't misread the first time round but no, there were only three people mentioned in the beginning as I had thought. I presumed it was a trick question and was pretty smug about the fact that I had clicked on pretty early. Then a fifth gentleman pops up from somewhere claiming to be the ugliest. My mathematical skills gave up and I just had to retire. I will come back to it at some point and try again, maybe tomorrow morning after a good nights sleep. My apologies onces again.
 
An American a Canadian and a Afghan are in a plane, the plane encounters some technical problems and the pilot asks the passengers to unload any unnecessary baggage that they might carry.

The American throws down all the beer bottles and proclaims we have a lot of these in America.

The Canadian throws out all his winter clothes and says I can find this in any street corner in Canada.

The Afghan couldn't find anything that wasn't valuable to him so he proceeds to push down the American and the Canadian while proclaiming we have plenty of you guys in my country.
 
Also, I did not understand why these gentlemen went to a "fortune teller" to get certificated as the tallest, shortest and ugliest men on the face of earth.

What credential does a fortune teller have that makes him better equipped than any normal man to determine if those three men were indeed what they claimed to be?
 
ace4rmspace said:
Sorry but that joke was totally lost on me, no fault of yours though Rizie, I have my stupidity to blame for that. The thing is, you started off by saying there were three people, one claimed to be the tallest and the second claim to be the shortest. That was two accounted for and I was rolling along nicely, anxious to know what the thirds claim to fame was. You went on to say the other two claimed to be the shortest which sort of confused me slightly. I had to go back to read it again as to make sure I didn't misread the first time round but no, there were only three people mentioned in the beginning as I had thought. I presumed it was a trick question and was pretty smug about the fact that I had clicked on pretty early. Then a fifth gentleman pops up from somewhere claiming to be the ugliest. My mathematical skills gave up and I just had to retire. I will come back to it at some point and try again, maybe tomorrow morning after a good nights sleep. My apologies onces again.
Click to expand...

Well summarised bro. I would also like to add that it was wrong for the fortune teller to pass of his opinion as a stonecold fact. Whilst height is certainly something that can be judged objectively, beauty or a lack thereof is entirely in the eye of the beholder, with no absolute figures able to quantify an opinion. It was even more foolish of the 'ugly man' to accept this opinion as gospel. His lack of confidence, due to possible long term bullying about his looks, may have been behind his misplaced trust in this fraudster.
 
An elderly man is driving home from visiting his son one night when he seems to get himself lost. Attempting to find the right route he joins the Motorway. As he joins, he suddenly has to dodge what seems like dozens of cars all travelling down the wrong side of the Motorway coming straight towards him, all at high speed. He pulls over and grabs his phone to report the incident to the police.

The elderly gentleman was later honoured in the local paper and given a £10,000 reward for helping bring down one of the most illegal thrill seeking gang of all time.
 
*bummmppp*

Asian lady to bank teller: "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two huned dolla fo yen. Today I get huned eighty?? Why it change?"
Teller "Fluctuations".
Asian lady, "Fluc you white people, too"


There are two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says "Have you any idea how to drive this damn thing?"


What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
After taking his money and giving Buddha his hot dog, Buddha asks "What about my change?"
"Change comes from within"

What did Helen Keller say the first time she picked up a cheese grater?
That's the most violent thing I've ever read...
 
A man visits his doctor one day.

'Doctor doctor! I feel like a rabbit!'

'Why do you say that?'

'Well i've been having strong urges and i've been going at it non-stop with my wife for the last week!'

'Your wife has AIDS sir. She has been battling heroine addiction for the last six months and we gave her the results to her blood test two weeks ago. Unfortunately due to patient confidentiality we were unable to break the news earlier.'
 
What did the the Christian, Jew and Muslim have in common?

Believe it or not, they all liked Cantaloupe.
 
What do you get when you cross sodium citrate, citric acid, benzyl alcohol, monoethanolamine, sodium benzoate, gylcol disterate, FD&C Yellow #5, ammonium lauryl sulfate, methylisothiazolinone, fragrances/perfumes, FD&C Blue #1, sodium chloride, zinc pyrithione, methylchloroisothiazolinone, ammonium xylenesulfonate, ammonium laureth sulfate, cetyl alcohol, cocamide, guar hydropropyltrimonium chloride, 1-Decene, homopolymer, hydrogenated, trimethylolpropane tricaprylate and water?



Head & Shoulders Dandruff Shampoo for Oily Hair
 
I would like to apologise before hand if some people find this insensitive. I found it utterly hilarious and I'm sorry.


How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


To get to the other side!
 
A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his stomach is growling.

"I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said.
So he found some berries, but spit them out.
"These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.

He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.
"That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.

He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." the courteous bear wondered.

The events that followed are now referred to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their memorial day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, was brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.
 
You heard about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they couldn't understand!
 
A man is showering one morning and does a routine check up on himself and discovers a lump. He gets out of the shower anxiously, gets dressed and heads out to work, with the thought of the lump in the back of his head.

Later that day his family receive a phonecall from the hospital, informing them that he's been admitted to hospital in emergency. The family rushes to hospital where the doctor informs them of what's happened.

"I'm afraid it's the big C," he tells them, "It fell of the top of Currys and hit him in the head whilst he was doing his job as a road sweeper. It has been really windy lately and Currys insurance is investigating how the C became detached from the other letters."

(Not all material used in the making of this joke was original)
 
1 Pakistani ne sardar se kaha:
Hindustan k flag me kesri rang Hinduon ka,
White Isaion ka, Green muslims ka fir tuhada ki.?
SARDAR bola" oye Danda tere pio da a.
 
Sardar in a Bus took 2 Tickets
Condctor:Why 2?
Sardar:If one is lost other is spare.
Condctor:If datz also lost?
Sardar:I m nt a Fool i have a pass also.
 
Uakmal

I think its not nice to have jokes about people of a particular region/religion. Jokes should be general and not directed towards people of a particular ethnic group.

Sent from my X10i using Tapatalk
 
So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop And he says, 'Can you make me one with everything?'" :D
 
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