How to talk about finances with your spouse?

[Itachi]

I believe many people aren't getting the real issue. There's a clear power struggle and sense of authority involved here. It doesn't matter if it was $200 or $2 million. The struggle for dictating terms and sense of authority will be there.

The question here is, does OP has a ground to enforce it?

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Well my phupo was jobless in Canada for 20 years. My phupa was the earning spouse and he has done well for himself but even though she is a mature, 50 plus year old woman, even she has to run spending decisions by him and i have personally seen her call him up on his phone asking for permission to buy groceries, fill up the gas tank and trying to explain why to him.

I personally didn't like it and i sympathized with her plight. Its very easy to lavishly spend money when you keep getting lots of it and when you don't earn it. I myself in my teens and 20's have been a bit guility of spending more than i should have but you learn as you go through the hardships of professional life in accounting firms where they grind you and the pressures you face to earn each and every cent and why you should value it.

I would rather have this conversation with her now very early in our relationship rather than ignoring it, keeping it under the rug and only to erupt later on when things should have been tackled early on. My dad gave my mom all the freedom to spend her own money, his money but occasionally i have seen him erupt on her when she made a very lavish purchase without his consent and i have seen him suppress his feelings, frustrations when she spent excessively and he didn't want to create or start a fight

Smart move. Today she is spending rupees, tomorrow it will be Dollars. What if in a few years she spends thousands of dollars? Best to have the talk now.

 

[CricketCartoons]

It’s her money. You gave it to her so she is at liberty to spend.
Not sure what’s the problem here?

She didn’t steal it from you.
Be a man and move on.

He didn't give her money so it becomes her money. He allotted money to her with auditing to see it is being spent where he approves of.

 

[King-Misbah]

200 rupee meals. Are you having meals from roadside dhabas?

I have everything, thanks to my strong digestive system. What is wrong with dhabas? It is the best food! An example, I went to a pashtun place in Islamabad which was considered to be expensive, it was not over 600/700 rupees per person. This is federal capital.

 

[King-Misbah]

Smart move. Today she is spending rupees, tomorrow it will be Dollars. What if in a few years she spends thousands of dollars? Best to have the talk now.

I agree. Pakistani people need to realise that we don't have money growing on trees in the western countries. We work hard to make an honest living. No free, corrupt lunches here.

 

[Slog]

The best meals i had in my last visit to Karachi was at the dhabas. Bun Kabab in Nursery is 90 rupees. Cant beat that quality and price.

You probably didn’t go to the best restaurants then. Obv dhabas etc have their own charm but they can’t be a regular thing especially for a girl.

Unless you’re expecting OP’s wife to be having meals from dhabas while he sits in Canada; you’re not being realistic.

Finally bun kebab is a snack not a proper meal. Even daal roti goes up to 150 Rs these days. Maybe we should turn vegetarian and have daal or certain sabzis.

 

[Kroll]

I have everything, thanks to my strong digestive system. What is wrong with dhabas? It is the best food! An example, I went to a pashtun place in Islamabad which was considered to be expensive, it was not over 600/700 rupees per person. This is federal capital.

There's some 'off the main road' joints here on the curry mile. There's one especially doing £2.50/£3.50 for a fatayer, chicken or lamb shawarma with naan.

Might not be "posh" enough for some but real nice hearty food on the go at great prices. Doing a roaring trade as well.

 

[Slog]

I have everything, thanks to my strong digestive system. What is wrong with dhabas? It is the best food! An example, I went to a pashtun place in Islamabad which was considered to be expensive, it was not over 600/700 rupees per person. This is federal capital.

Yea 6-700 for a dhaba? So imagine an actual nice restaurant.

You might be fine with it but it’s not fair to expect a wife to be having dinners at male-dominated dhabas while husband is chilling in Canada.

 

[Kroll]

Should she not be cooking at home with all that money spent in the grocery store? Having a treat at the dhaba or wherever now and again is fine.

 

[Kroll]

He didn't give her money so it becomes her money. He allotted money to her with auditing to see it is being spent where he approves of.

Its a bit confusing cos the monies are sitting in a joint account and this is perhaps where the auditing comes in. I think she needs her own single account for these remittances.

 

[Slog]

I agree. Pakistani people need to realise that we don't have money growing on trees in the western countries. We work hard to make an honest living. No free, corrupt lunches here.

And in any case I agree that a 32k PKR out of nowhere is a big amount if and out of nowhere nothing wrong with asking. But there’s no need to ‘put foot down.’

You need to see girls perspective too. Girl is from conservative Pathan family which usually doesn’t want to support the girl financially when they are married. Heck extended family talks and gossips on why she’s not joining husband and all sorts of rumor mills start. So she maybe has no money with her to spend so it’s fair if she expects husband to provide to a degree.

Secondly the girl is almost half the husband’s age in this case and has no world experience since she’s a teenager. So this might just be ‘naivety’ rather than some cunning plan as some here seem to be alleging discreetly. Due to the age gap and her own lack of world experience she might just be scared and not know how to bring it up to the OP. In this case the husband should preempt and try to make it as easy for the girl as possible then do a needless grilling session and alienate her. Already they are unlikely to have much in common due to different generations and this would just scare her further.

Anyways OP knows the exact situation best but best to approach this with kid gloves rather than adopt the hardline behavior some have proposed in this thread. And since OP is in Canada and she is in Pakistan and not welding she has all the right to expect OP (who per his previous threads comes from a very well off family) to provide her money to chill.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I believe many people aren't getting the real issue. There's a clear power struggle and sense of authority involved here. It doesn't matter if it was $200 or $2 million. The struggle for dictating terms and sense of authority will be there.The question here is, does OP has a ground to enforce it?

This is what the OP said in the first post.

i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome.

I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

He is saying its "its our money", saying that if their is a major expense both sides seek others consent, went overboard to make sure the girls feelings were not hurt. Seems he is looking for a marriage based on equality. Unfortunately there are some people who feel if you are not a joru ka ghulam you are abusive husband.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

1) “TALK” with your wife. And allow her to spend if that doesn’t break your back.

2) Never talk about your wife’s expenses with your parents. It’s a matter between you two and it should be like that only. It’s embarrassing to her tbh considering till now she was very careful while spending your money.

3) Please don’t post your personal things (especially wife) here. Someone here might know you and it’s really embarrassing for the lady (if ever she comes across this).

Is there not a difference between someone who has been your wife for 10 years vs someone you have only had a nikkah with? I am assuming OP has not had a Rukhsati at this point.

Is it really wrong to ask your parents for advice, esp when you are a newlywed?

 

[Slog]

This is what the OP said in the first post.



He is saying its "its our money", saying that if their is a major expense both sides seek others consent, went overboard to make sure the girls feelings were not hurt. Seems he is looking for a marriage based on equality. Unfortunately there are some people who feel if you are not a joru ka ghulam you are abusive husband.

He also says that he has been sending money for last year and half but she never spent it. So this is the first time she actually spent. So it’s not like she has a history of ‘fazool kharchi’ and throwing money on useless things. Seems responsible enough. So it’s worse to spend 32k in one go than spend 8-10k per month for 18 months?

 

[sjahmed23]

Pakistani marriages are weird. You get into an arranged marriage simply for looks then complain when things are not how they should be.

 

[King-Misbah]

There's some 'off the main road' joints here on the curry mile. There's one especially doing £2.50/£3.50 for a fatayer, chicken or lamb shawarma with naan.

Might not be "posh" enough for some but real nice hearty food on the go at great prices. Doing a roaring trade as well.

You mean Jaafas? Or Today Restaurant? I only prefer Jaafas.

 

[King-Misbah]

Yea 6-700 for a dhaba? So imagine an actual nice restaurant.

You might be fine with it but it’s not fair to expect a wife to be having dinners at male-dominated dhabas while husband is chilling in Canada.

it was not a dhabba but a proper restaurant. I visited many top end restaurants in Pakistan and stayed in the very best hotels. I dont believe the inflation is much when you compare to the UK.

 

[KingKhanWC]

I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Nikkah in 2019. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent Rs 32 k at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend Rs 32k on at a grocery stroke, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a charge of Rs 32k on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?

You keep telling us you've got a lot of money. So around £150 is nothing. If you married a white western girl, would you also feel the same? If she went to buy a pair of shoes or a handbag, this is the normal amount people pay now. Treat her like you'd treat a western girl and you will be fine. Marrying a young girl from Pakistan, seems to have given you a power trip.

 

[Slog]

it was not a dhabba but a proper restaurant. I visited many top end restaurants in Pakistan and stayed in the very best hotels. I dont believe the inflation is much when you compare to the UK.

What you believe doesn’t matter in this case. You can literally look at official stats. UK’s annualized inflation in the past five years has hovered around 1-4.5% in the last five years whereas for Pakistan it has been in double digits. So your feelings doesn’t matter.

And you clearly weren’t going to the top end restaurants and hotels in Pakistan if you were getting lunch/dinner bills of PKR 5-800. Perhaps your relatives were taking you to cheap places and passing them off as ‘high end’ and you didn’t know any better. Or you were going to top end restaurants and ordering starter salads lol.

 

[kaayal]

Is there not a difference between someone who has been your wife for 10 years vs someone you have only had a nikkah with? I am assuming OP has not had a Rukhsati at this point.

Is it really wrong to ask your parents for advice, esp when you are a newlywed?

Most probably they must be having daily conversations and will be comfortable with each other by now. So why not talk about this? Newlywed or not, She is also an adult who is part of this marriage. We must respect her worth and stop treating her like a kid.

Needs of men and women are completely different. The things that a man finds unimportant may not be the same for a woman. So when you give money to her, don’t think about how she spend or comment like it’s a useless purchase etc etc. It’s “her” money so allow her to spend like the way she wants. Otherwise don’t give.

Regarding Parents interventions, they will always be partial to you and won’t be able to give an objective opinion in scenarios mentioned in op. But if there is physical or mental torture from Spouse, get help from Family and save yourself from that toxic relationship asap.

 

[King-Misbah]

What you believe doesn’t matter in this case. You can literally look at official stats. UK’s annualized inflation in the past five years has hovered around 1-4.5% in the last five years whereas for Pakistan it has been in double digits. So your feelings doesn’t matter.

And you clearly weren’t going to the top end restaurants and hotels in Pakistan if you were getting lunch/dinner bills of PKR 5-800. Perhaps your relatives were taking you to cheap places and passing them off as ‘high end’ and you didn’t know any better. Or you were going to top end restaurants and ordering starter salads lol.

Serena not high end? What about Pearl Continental? I can name more where I stayed too. I do not visit with my family but I go solo and I am not a child whom will be influenced by my relatives lol

 

[Itachi]

I am not poor. I have a high end car, live in the better part of my cities, yet again, I worked for that and no one has the right to splash my money without having second thoughts.

That's your opinion. Another person could have an opinion that he has the right to beat up his wife because she is his wife. That doesn't make it a standard.

 

[Suleiman]

Pakistani marriages are weird. You get into an arranged marriage simply for looks then complain when things are not how they should be.

Yeah exactly. The guy marries for looks and youth, the girl marries for wealth, though looks are a plus for her as well.

Very strange once you have seen the other side of the fence. Everything is platonic to a certain degree at least for the first few months, as you navigate each other’s personalities and try to find common ground. You either plant the seeds of a very successful relationship or plant the seeds of insecurities, angst, complications.

Then you have things like this happening. I still think a simple conversation is fine, he is the guy earning the money anyway and it is a joint account. She can’t read his emotions from hundreds and hundreds of miles away nor can he do the same. People will have their opinions and judgements of you as evident by this thread, best thing to do is just talk in a proper well meaning way to the relevant persons. She’s your wife man, have an open channel of communication.

People pulling up stats of inflation and annual GDP ) just have a chat. If you’re going to spend rest of your life with this person, better get used to openly talking to them about anything and everything.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Have I stumbled onto an alternate dimension?

Why are people piling on Savak?

Is it because of his past behavior?

As for 32k (pakistani rupees) being a big amount or not...it really depends for what purpose.

Thats around 15k in INR.

You don't go to grocery and casually spend that buying gifts and a chocolate.

Savak could have refrained using the word "heart attack" to her but what's wrong in what he did?

He was respectful, considerate and asked her.

Also all these things depend on the kind of relationship you have with your wife and its dynamics.

Very confused with this thread.

 

[Kroll]

OP has been very open & honest about his struggles to find a spouse. He was getting on a bit, had trouble finding someone but happy for him he got there in the end. He went for youth and looks in the end, which mattered most to him.

You can view multiple threads started by Savak, interesting reads.

I think that's a bad move imho and for any arranged marriage based on looks alone. Of course there has to be some sort of mutual chemistry and attraction but there needs to be a connection on the mental side of things.

 

[Slog]

Either I am missing something here or Pakistan's situation is as bad as you say.

How can you add a few things in a grocery store and end up with a bill of 10k (PKR)?

You must know by now that Mamoon is prone to exaggeration to make a point especially when it also supports his larger thought processes

It’s not that bad but yea inflation is pretty bad. Only 12 years ago you could have a daal chawal mean from a local dhaba for PKR 50. Now it’s gonna be PKR 140+. And most of this inflation came 2009-2012 and 2017-now.

 

[BreadPakoda]

Go easy on her bro. She's just a kid.

Hope you guys get together soon.

 

[Savak]

I am glad i have stimulated an interesting and important discussion. Not sure whether its the topic or whether it is Mr Mamoon's predictable extreme contrarian opinion which attracted eye balls. I thank him either way.

 

[Savak]

Feel sorry for her.

No need to. I absolutely love and adore her and will give it my everything to make her happy, comfortable while guiding her, sharing my knowledge, experiences in life

 

[Savak]

Why are you sending money unnecessarily to Pakistan? Also, do you not give her anything to spend on her own? Do you monitor every penny she spends?

Have to show proof of financial spousal support for immigration purposes. I have not said anything to her for any transactions except for the one i pointed out as it was a huge anomally. Yes, i keep track of my finances including joint finances like every normal person does.

 

[Savak]

Every post in this threat feels like increasing her humiliation. Why put her to unnecessary humiliation among random strangers?

There is no humiliation for anyone as long as people are anonymous

 

[Savak]

32K isn't a huge amount at all, when I visit Pakistan my daily spending money is more than that just on food, fuel and minor grocery. Its possible that she's never spent that much money on herself but now being married and having access to money which she doesn't spend has given her the chance to treat herself.

If I were you I wouldn't be concerned about how much she spent but what she spent it on is more important. She might have treated herself, her friends or family. She might have even done some minor grocery for the house for once. She's becoming an adult and at some point you need to start spending like an adult too. What if her family was struggling with monthly groceries and she decided to help a bit? What if she really wanted to get her mum/dad something with what she thought was her own money?

It's good that you want her to be financially responsible, in that case give her fixed amount to her personal account and let her do what she wants with it. It'll tell you already what she'd do with it. She won't spend it or spend very little and then when she really needs to get something she'd spend big. It's like saving from your pocket money to buy yourself a playstation.

Noted, of-course. Most guys i know would have reacted very strongly and aggressively if they found out that their wife or gf spent Rs 32k without informing or talking about it with their partner. My friends have already warned me about the amount of gifts me and my family have given her i.e. latest cell phone, accessories, watches, jewlerry, clothes e.t.c. that i am setting myself up for disaster later on if i keep doing this. I don't mind keeping her happy but any husband has to also guide his wife on the importance of be financially responsible as well. She's currently living with her maternal family far away from parents so i know she's pretty much in a party based environment right now which is why she wen't overboard.

 

[Savak]

but isn't it her money? You gave it to her to spend, no? Why question where she spends her money?

Its our joint account, i don't question minor purchases at restaurants, cafes, outings but a material purchase involving high 5 figures has to be discussed

 

[Savak]

Look man, all due respect, I think it is seriously problematic that you have the mindset that you need to "guide and counsel" your wife. She is your partner, not your child. She's an adult.

I have hundreds of female friends from middle-class and upper middle-class families in Pakistan who would NOT consider 34k a huge amount taking into account for the rate of inflation. It is very likely that she, along with other females from the same social class and age will cringe at the thought of their husband having to "guide" their expenses.

If you want a happy and successful marriage, please start treating her like an adult and your partner. At the moment, you sound like a father who is trying to influence his child's life.

I have plenty of female friends, burgur girls as you would call them who attend parties and what not, unless you are Mian Mansha's daughter, or Asif Zardari's or a high profile businessman, a daughter of a professional middle class working person does not get Rs 30k a month. I used to get an allowance of Rs 2 k when i was a University Student in Pakistan, back then i felt i was severely being underpaid 10-15 years ago, i refuse to believe Rs 2 k is now equivalent to Rs 30 k a month now.

Treating someone like an adult involves having a mature honest but pleasant conversation about things especially early on in the relationship.

 

[Savak]

If your wife will not spend your money then who will? You know we can't take it to our graves, money is meant to be spent.

It is meant to be spent wisely, judiciously and certainly not to be burnt. Being not only wise with your money lifestyle but also being able to save your limited resources and building up an asset base is an invaluable trait. I know a lot of my friends who live the life in places like DXB and are grotesque spenders and don't bother to save up, build up their assets and save for a rainy day. A banker friend of mine who has worked in DXB for 10-15 years and earned a very good salary, led a very live life to the fullest lifestyle, he sadly got laid off because of Covid and has struggled to find another job, he has a baby now and he when you now speak to me regrets the wasteful life he led and wishes he had been more careful with his money and had actually invested properly so that he had some passive ongoing income to fall back on in tough times.

 

[Savak]

I will suggest you to encourage her to get a job. Even if she earns 30-40k that is good enough to manage personal expenses. In our generation where individuals are more independent minded, it's important both spouses are financially independent as much as they can. Big ticket purchases like a car may need help from each other and that is understandable.

Also once she is in Canada she will be able continue working and socialize well within that country. Since you and your parents are working, sitting at home is probably not going to be a great experience for her.

She wants to become a lawyer and i wholeheartedly support that ambition. I would rather that she uses the time, opportunity wisely to study for some exams she can get done in Pakistan, learn French while she can, things which will help her before she comes to live in Canada.

 

[Savak]

Ermmmm talk to her about it rather than discussing it on a public forum..?

I did, this thread here is for stimulating a discussion, exchange of different ideas, viewpoints, strategies, debates e.t.c.

 

[Savak]

Savak you really need to stop putting every small aspect of your life on PP. at this point anyone who remotely knows you in real life can figure out that this is your account.

As for topic. She’s 19-20. You’re not supposed to be responsible with money at that age. Also from what I remember she is from a very conservative Pashtun household. Most likely her family members are consistently giving hints to her that this isn’t her home anymore and that her husband should take care of her financial needs. But being 19-20 she is also likely afraid of asking for ‘permission’ from someone who’s almost twice her age. So being in this tough position she probably did what she did and hoped no one noticed.

You have to cut her slack and realize she is a teenager from a very conservative family who’s likely had little interaction with members of the opposite gender, very little real life experience and now finds herself in a marriage with someone significantly older.

First of all, no one knows me, she doesn't know or care about my blogging, id and no one who knows me knows about my id, so its all good.

Secondly, yes i understand she is very young and most importantly my wife which is why i didn't rudely speak to her in anger but rather just politely and briefly had the conversation with her while keeping the mood light. Now that we are married, we are going to have to get over our fears and talk about things, i am the least confrontational guy in the world but have to grow a pair and have these sensitive discussions.

 

[Savak]

That's really awful to hear, my sister kind of went through the same kind of treatment when my father arranged a marriage for her in the UK(a match I was not in favor of because the guy was 10 years elder than my sister who was 25, but I was only 19 back then & couldn't do anything about that). Her Husband was not an issue initially but he was living in the same house with her mother & her mother kept notice of everything my sister eats.

I was extremely unhappy with my father & stopped talking with him for quite a long time. Thank GOD my sister's condition is much better now as she, her husband & their kids are living alone now.

Yes, things were very very bad b/w my sister, her husband and it got very far to the point where we were actually talking to lawyers. But sigh in our conservative desi society, sadly divorce is a very big stigma for girls and its not easy to tell anyone especially your sibling to go through with it. It ultimately has to be an individual choice and yes as people have said, its also best to limit one's involvement in the private lives of their siblings beyond a certain point.

 

[Savak]

It’s her money. You gave it to her so she is at liberty to spend.
Not sure what’s the problem here?

She didn’t steal it from you.
Be a man and move on.

The problem is that she indulged in a very material purchase which would invite some querying by most husbands from their spouses along with a suggestion to atleast discuss, talk about it in the future going forward. I didn't shout, scream or humiliate her but just lovingly explained my POV.

 

[Savak]

1) “TALK” with your wife. And allow her to spend if that doesn’t break your back.

2) Never talk about your wife’s expenses with your parents. It’s a matter between you two and it should be like that only. It’s embarrassing to her tbh considering till now she was very careful while spending your money.

3) Please don’t post your personal things (especially wife) here. Someone here might know you and it’s really embarrassing for the lady (if ever she comes across this).

Parents are always around to provide advice based on their experiences. Plus eventually they find out about the gifts i give her as her family calls, thanking us for it.

No one knows me over here and no one i know frequents this website or is a fan of cricket so i am pretty anonymous

 

[Savak]

I believe many people aren't getting the real issue. There's a clear power struggle and sense of authority involved here. It doesn't matter if it was $200 or $2 million. The struggle for dictating terms and sense of authority will be there.

The question here is, does OP has a ground to enforce it?

There is no power struggle or authority. It was a simple harmless discussion, message delivered with love and respect guiding and explaining someone about the importance of being wise and careful with money.

 

[Savak]

Should she not be cooking at home with all that money spent in the grocery store? Having a treat at the dhaba or wherever now and again is fine.

She is a great cook, made the most amazing chicken corn soup for me when i was unwell.

 

[Savak]

And in any case I agree that a 32k PKR out of nowhere is a big amount if and out of nowhere nothing wrong with asking. But there’s no need to ‘put foot down.’

You need to see girls perspective too. Girl is from conservative Pathan family which usually doesn’t want to support the girl financially when they are married. Heck extended family talks and gossips on why she’s not joining husband and all sorts of rumor mills start. So she maybe has no money with her to spend so it’s fair if she expects husband to provide to a degree.

Secondly the girl is almost half the husband’s age in this case and has no world experience since she’s a teenager. So this might just be ‘naivety’ rather than some cunning plan as some here seem to be alleging discreetly. Due to the age gap and her own lack of world experience she might just be scared and not know how to bring it up to the OP. In this case the husband should preempt and try to make it as easy for the girl as possible then do a needless grilling session and alienate her. Already they are unlikely to have much in common due to different generations and this would just scare her further.

Anyways OP knows the exact situation best but best to approach this with kid gloves rather than adopt the hardline behavior some have proposed in this thread. And since OP is in Canada and she is in Pakistan and not welding she has all the right to expect OP (who per his previous threads comes from a very well off family) to provide her money to chill.

Her being from a Pathan family does not mean her family does not support her, love her or take care off her. Just because i send her money doesn't mean her parents and elders have washed their hands clean. They have counselled her about discouraging me from getting expensive gifts for her so i am assuming even they have had the discussion with her on being mature with finances

 

[Savak]

You keep telling us you've got a lot of money. So around £150 is nothing. If you married a white western girl, would you also feel the same? If she went to buy a pair of shoes or a handbag, this is the normal amount people pay now. Treat her like you'd treat a western girl and you will be fine. Marrying a young girl from Pakistan, seems to have given you a power trip.

A western girl has nothing to do with this. If i had a gori wife, gf and if she spent $300-600 plus dollars of mine without discussion, consent, i would have the same discussion with her. I always wanted a Pakistani wife.

 

[Savak]

I think that's a bad move imho and for any arranged marriage based on looks alone. Of course there has to be some sort of mutual chemistry and attraction but there needs to be a connection on the mental side of things.

In my case, i didn't even get a chance to see my wife's photos before marriage, the day of the Nikkah was the first time i saw her. Hence no time at all to figure out any mutual chemistry, attraction. After going through the khuari of chasing 4-5 unsuccessful crushes in my life, i just accepted the reality that these crushes being successfully translated into an actual relationship is not for everyone and for once in my life i was like "screw it, i am just going to simply do what the vast majority of people in my country, religion, culture do i.e. just blindly agree to marry the choice your parents approve off for you, no questions asked and get into it sincerely and make the best of it."

Lol after ten years of making life hell for my parents by refusing to see any choices they preferred vs my own crushes, they were absolutely taken aback by how cooperative and absolutely care free i was at the end and they kept asking me "Are you absolutely sure? Don't just say Yes to make us happy or to think you are relieving us of a major burden", "it is your life at the end of the day, she is very very young, not as educated as you, good looking, comes from a very good family, not as burgerish, stylish as your past crushes, are you sure you want to do this? We can tell them No while there is time"

I was like "No, i want to do this and that's final". This is what Allah had willed and destined for me. No regrets, complaints at all. Arranged marriages exist for a reason. Contrast this in the West where you will find so many goras, gori's in their 30's, 40's struggling on dating sites, bars and looking utterly unhappy, depressed over not being settled and if you speak to them, they sometimes admire this system of arranged marriage that we have in our culture and wish they had such an option as well when they were younger.

 

[UP]

Its all good that you had a chat with her in a lighter mood and didn't knock the door down in a first punch. Everybody here should keep the conversations easy and stress free with their spouse so the other partner isn't compelled to hide things, that's when things go south. However, since she has been a responsible spender for a year, there's nothing to worry about going forward. If the spending behaviour changes drastically and the 32K purchases become a norm then you have the full authority to ask and investigate. The best idea would be to transfer her a fixed amount per month in her personal account and grant her the full freedom to do whatever she wants.

And for God's sake stop telling your dad or mom about her money transactions. Have some respect and privacy for her.

 

[Mamoon]

Either I am missing something here or Pakistan's situation is as bad as you say.

How can you add a few things in a grocery store and end up with a bill of 10k (PKR)?

PKR 10k is equivalent to about ₹4,600.

A Nutella jar and Nescafé Gold coffee costs about PKR 1,200 to 1,500. Imported shampoo are going to cost you in excess of 800 rupees.

Gillette power glide blades (4 pack) is for almost 3,000.

These were just the few things that I picked up the other day plus a couple of more items. I am talking about imported stuff here, not local produce.

If you want good quality, imported stuff, you are going to spend anything in-between 5k and 10k if you go grocery shopping.

Of course, you can go to utility stores to pick local stuff and that is where most people go, but I am talking about the class that the likes of Savak belong to, and it is ridiculous to see him freaking out at the thought of his wife spending 32k once in a blue moon when he is fully aware of expensive things are in Pakistan these days.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

The problem is that she indulged in a very material purchase which would invite some querying by most husbands from their spouses along with a suggestion to atleast discuss, talk about it in the future going forward. I didn't shout, scream or humiliate her but just lovingly explained my POV.

OK that’s good but if she does it again as she has broken the ice and her hands are free now?

Say she spends two Laakh Rs in buying candies and flowers and clothes for her friends? Do you have a pvt health insurance?

 

[CricketCartoons]

Used to think most of the posters would be quite well off, but treating the peanuts as a big amount means I have to reset my opinions.

 

[Shaddy86]

Used to think most of the posters would be quite well off, but treating the peanuts as a big amount means I have to reset my opinions.

Being well off and having the heart to spend are two different things. Most people I know that are well off are extremely stingy, they don't have the heart to spend on themselves or their kids. The only thing these people care about is buying properties.

 

[golagunda]

People are really overestimating the living costs of a single 20 year old female living with parents in Pakistan. This is not the US or Europe where you will be paying your parents for rent and utilities. No Pakistani middle-class parents I know charge their daughters for food, rent, or electricity. With these major expenses out of the way, what exactly does she need anything over $500 for (which is ~PKR 80k)? And even if she buys groceries herself, how much can a single person with no family spend on groceries? If the OP sends a monthly allowance of $300 or ~PKR 50k, that is more than enough to live comfortably for a single female including occasional shopping and eating out etc. Ofcourse, if you buy expensive electronic items like an iphone that is different but those are one-time expenses that don’t happen every month.

Saying that the $500-$1000 should be the allowance for a single female in Pakistan is ridiculous unless you are also including rent, utilities etc. Most junior/mid-level professionals like bankers, doctors, engineers earn in the range of $1000-2000 per month in Pakistan and they feed whole families in that money.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

People are really overestimating the living costs of a single 20 year old female living with parents in Pakistan. This is not the US or Europe where you will be paying your parents for rent and utilities. No Pakistani middle-class parents I know charge their daughters for food, rent, or electricity. With these major expenses out of the way, what exactly does she need anything over $500 for (which is ~PKR 80k)? And even if she buys groceries herself, how much can a single person with no family spend on groceries? If the OP sends a monthly allowance of $300 or ~PKR 50k, that is more than enough to live comfortably for a single female including occasional shopping and eating out etc. Ofcourse, if you buy expensive electronic items like an iphone that is different but those are one-time expenses that don’t happen every month.

Saying that the $500-$1000 should be the allowance for a single female in Pakistan is ridiculous unless you are also including rent, utilities etc. Most junior/mid-level professionals like bankers, doctors, engineers earn in the range of $1000-2000 per month in Pakistan and they feed whole families in that money.

Yeah but the OP is rich and has lots and lots of money.
$200 is chai pani for him.

 

[King-Misbah]

Yeah but the OP is rich and has lots and lots of money.
$200 is chai pani for him.

That doesn't mean that he should splash his or his families money every where.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Used to think most of the posters would be quite well off, but treating the peanuts as a big amount means I have to reset my opinions.

Yeah god forbid anyone has a different opinion, then naturally the only conclusion is that the amount is too "big" for them.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

PKR 10k is equivalent to about ₹4,600.

A Nutella jar and Nescafé Gold coffee costs about PKR 1,200 to 1,500. Imported shampoo are going to cost you in excess of 800 rupees.

Gillette power glide blades (4 pack) is for almost 3,000.

These were just the few things that I picked up the other day plus a couple of more items. I am talking about imported stuff here, not local produce.

If you want good quality, imported stuff, you are going to spend anything in-between 5k and 10k if you go grocery shopping.

Of course, you can go to utility stores to pick local stuff and that is where most people go, but I am talking about the class that the likes of Savak belong to, and it is ridiculous to see him freaking out at the thought of his wife spending 32k once in a blue moon when he is fully aware of expensive things are in Pakistan these days.

Ok thanks...thats interesting...

Savak may or may not be stingy...

He may or may not have given her a wrong impression about the money he deposited in her bank account.

And yes, i do agree that when we give our spouse money, we need to give them the freedom to use it as they deem fit.

But heres the fundamental issue:

The purchase took him by surprise because it was out of character.

That amount may or may not be big for him.

Its like you give 100 bucks or 1000 bucks to a beggar.

Is it a small amount or big amount?

Thats irrelevant.

If you are not used to doing it, or you give someone money and they do it, you are taken by surprise.

Is it wrong? Of course not.

Does this mean you cant talk about it in a respectful way? Of course you can.

I was just surprised as to why many pounced on him without getting more information reg the situation.

 

[in_cutter]

I did, this thread here is for stimulating a discussion, exchange of different ideas, viewpoints, strategies, debates e.t.c.

Debating your wife’s spending habits on a forum? Nice. Is she aware?

 

[Suleiman]

Ok thanks...thats interesting...

Savak may or may not be stingy...

He may or may not have given her a wrong impression about the money he deposited in her bank account.

And yes, i do agree that when we give our spouse money, we need to give them the freedom to use it as they deem fit.

But heres the fundamental issue:

The purchase took him by surprise because it was out of character.

That amount may or may not be big for him.

Its like you give 100 bucks or 1000 bucks to a beggar.

Is it a small amount or big amount?

Thats irrelevant.

If you are not used to doing it, or you give someone money and they do it, you are taken by surprise.

Is it wrong? Of course not.

Does this mean you cant talk about it in a respectful way? Of course you can.

I was just surprised as to why many pounced on him without getting more information reg the situation.

Exactly SIF. Too much judgement going on.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Exactly SIF. Too much judgement going on.

Relationships are complicated and threads like these dont do justice to the reality of the situation.

--------

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] - you might have been brought up with a certain view about money and whats a reasonable purchase....

But i would say there's nothing called as value for money.

If something serves your purpose well and you are happy with it, then its money well spent even if you paid 2x or 3x or 10x for it.

We may not remember the money we spent but we will remember the experiences resulting from it for the rest of our lives.

If your wife was raised in a strict household with little access to money, its natural for her to get excited and splurge some (relative to what she usually gets to spend) when she gets a chance. In this case, she might have just saved up and spent a bit for a gift.

Its ok. Let her do it if you can afford it. It will make her day.

Everyone has a different buying behavior and as long as hers are within your means, its fine.

Sure talk about finances so you both are on the same page but the last thing you want to do is make her circumspect and second guess before every purchase. Seen many husbands do that and it never ends well.

 

[Savak]

OK that’s good but if she does it again as she has broken the ice and her hands are free now?

Say she spends two Laakh Rs in buying candies and flowers and clothes for her friends? Do you have a pvt health insurance?

She will be careful now.

 

[Savak]

Yeah but the OP is rich and has lots and lots of money.
$200 is chai pani for him.

No one has unlimited amounts of money. AH i am pretty comfortable. Just because $200 is chai pani for someone does not mean you encourage reckless, irresponsible behavior and that you have no respect for value of money

 

[Savak]

Ok thanks...thats interesting...

Savak may or may not be stingy...

He may or may not have given her a wrong impression about the money he deposited in her bank account.

And yes, i do agree that when we give our spouse money, we need to give them the freedom to use it as they deem fit.

But heres the fundamental issue:

The purchase took him by surprise because it was out of character.

That amount may or may not be big for him.

Its like you give 100 bucks or 1000 bucks to a beggar.

Is it a small amount or big amount?

Thats irrelevant.

If you are not used to doing it, or you give someone money and they do it, you are taken by surprise.

Is it wrong? Of course not.

Does this mean you cant talk about it in a respectful way? Of course you can.

I was just surprised as to why many pounced on him without getting more information reg the situation.

Lol, that's all there was to it. Just a polite, respectful query in a light hearted manner and a polite, respectful, mature discussion that both of us will at-least run things and discuss, talk about potential material purchases with each other before indulging in them

 

[Savak]

Debating your wife’s spending habits on a forum? Nice. Is she aware?

Nope, no risk of here finding out either as she knows nothing about the forum or my identity

 

[Colorblind Genius]

Lol, that's all there was to it. Just a polite, respectful query in a light hearted manner and a polite, respectful, mature discussion that both of us will at-least run things and discuss, talk about potential material purchases with each other before indulging in them

Man, you sound like one of those cunning and kameeni type "Saas bhi kabhi bahu" type old lady who is sugarcoating a very harsh incident in a very harmless manner.

 

[Savak]

Relationships are complicated and threads like these dont do justice to the reality of the situation.

--------

[MENTION=2501]Savak[/MENTION] - you might have been brought up with a certain view about money and whats a reasonable purchase....

But i would say there's nothing called as value for money.

If something serves your purpose well and you are happy with it, then its money well spent even if you paid 2x or 3x or 10x for it.

We may not remember the money we spent but we will remember the experiences resulting from it for the rest of our lives.

If your wife was raised in a strict household with little access to money, its natural for her to get excited and splurge some (relative to what she usually gets to spend) when she gets a chance. In this case, she might have just saved up and spent a bit for a gift.

Its ok. Let her do it if you can afford it. It will make her day.

Everyone has a different buying behavior and as long as hers are within your means, its fine.

Sure talk about finances so you both are on the same page but the last thing you want to do is make her circumspect and second guess before every purchase. Seen many husbands do that and it never ends well.

Well, if the roles were reversed where she was the earning spouse and i was spending large sums of money with no discussion, she will definately talk to me about it. It seems like people here live in a different world where they are saying spending Rs 30k is not a big amount, i have seen my friends go crazy with their spouses,gfs over Rs 3,000-5,000

 

[BreadPakoda]

Another critical aspect here is the problem of generation gap. A lot of Gen Zers don’t think they need to worry about building credit/investing for retirement. This is vastly different from how millennials/boomers think about money. OP is in his late 30s and probably prioritizes savings/investing for retirement, things that would not occur to a Gen Z.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Lol, that's all there was to it. Just a polite, respectful query in a light hearted manner and a polite, respectful, mature discussion that both of us will at-least run things and discuss, talk about potential material purchases with each other before indulging in them

Yes but i am also talking about giving her the freedom to view this as her money as opposed making her feel its your money that she has access to.

Maybe you hav already done that but if not, do consider it.

Dont assume she feels that way...make sure she knows.

You can always recalibrate your approach if you find out she aint good with money.

 

[Savak]

Yes but i am also talking about giving her the freedom to view this as her money as opposed making her feel its your money that she has access to.

Maybe you hav already done that but if not, do consider it.

Dont assume she feels that way...make sure she knows.

You can always recalibrate your approach if you find out she aint good with money.

I never expected her to be great with money, certainly not at the age of 19-20 and before married at most she has had access to is at best Rs 10-15k but now she has access to a much much larger amount which is why the temptation to go beserk is there. I don't question or bother with her eating out with her family, friends, cousins at resteraunts, cafes but was definately surprised by a large transaction at a grocery store

I have always told her that the money is ours. I specially ordered an extra cheque book, debit card and credit card for her and religiously send her money every month. If she is not good with money, i will continue to speak to her about it and try to guide her without being brutish, mean, crude, personal, judgemental or nasty but i won't withdraw joint account access from her as the only way she will get better with this is via experience and some oversight, counselling as well.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

I never expected her to be great with money, certainly not at the age of 19-20 and before married at most she has had access to is at best Rs 10-15k but now she has access to a much much larger amount which is why the temptation to go beserk is there. I don't question or bother with her eating out with her family, friends, cousins at resteraunts, cafes but was definately surprised by a large transaction at a grocery store

I have always told her that the money is ours. I specially ordered an extra cheque book, debit card and credit card for her and religiously send her money every month. If she is not good with money, i will continue to speak to her about it and try to guide her without being brutish, mean, crude, personal, judgemental or nasty but i won't withdraw joint account access from her as the only way she will get better with this is via experience and some oversight, counselling as well.

You have good intentions mate.

Every couple is different and they need to find out what works for them.

With that being said, allow me to give you an additional perspective:

Sometimes its not about the money.

Its about the fact that you have to seek someone else's permission.

Its awkward and uncomfortable to explain some purchases.

I have seen people skip buying something just cos they would have to explain it to their spouse.

I get where you are coming from reg the 32k purchase but what if she feels unsure about purchasing something for 5k or 10k from tomorrow.

You might feel thats not the case but human emotions dont work that way.

Her coming from a different background worsens this issue. She might have anxiety issues purchasing anything because she knows that she isnt earning this.

Another point is i noticed you kept mentioning words like guide, counsel, etc

And again i get it.

I get where you are coming from.

But that can become the problem.

You might think this is joint money and you are guiding her.

And for all we know, she might need that guidance.

But in that case, this money is not truly joint money.

The relationship is not between two partners but a teacher and a student.

Perhaps the best way forward would be to have an additional personal account opened in her name where you can deposit a smaller amount for her monthly expense.

This way, she will have complete freedom to spend it as she deems fit and have fun.

The joint account will remain untouched, which will help you plan out your finances better anyway.

If your parents are asking you to let it go, maybe there is a reason for that. They might be taking into account the power dynamics in your relationship and looking at the bigger picture.

Anyways , thats conjecture but the main point is its much better to give her a smaller set amount every month and let her spend it as she deems fit.

She will be happy. You will be happy. And your finances will be in control.

 

[Stewie]

Honestly, my comment was not a ding on SAvAk, but the people who are making a big deal out of it and want to get into every nook, cranny and crevice if this ill fated topic.

When the truth is I am 90% sure every single one of us has been in such situations when we first got married and had to discuss the issue with someone for guidance.

Get off his case, guys! He handled it well. Dip judging!

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

He also says that he has been sending money for last year and half but she never spent it. So this is the first time she actually spent. So it’s not like she has a history of ‘fazool kharchi’ and throwing money on useless things. Seems responsible enough. So it’s worse to spend 32k in one go than spend 8-10k per month for 18 months?

In the OP it was stated that

She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

So her not doing "fazool kharchi" was more of a result of not being comfortable spending her husbands money. However she got very comfortable in the last 12 days. Too comfortable imo.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent Rs 32 k at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack.

Seems a bit much for 12 days. Based on the age difference it seems she is a trophy wife, so that's fair she is expecting a upper class lifestyle. But even then in 12 days this is a lot.

 

[Savak]

Well to add more context, she spent Rs 60,000 in the last 12 days. I only questioned her on that Rs 32k transaction, but didn't say anything to her for withdrawing money from the ATM or eating out at the restaurant. She showed me her pvt bank statements for a full year where her folks had been supporting her and i never saw a balance of more than Rs 20,000.

Naturally i had to counsel her on being careful about money.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I never expected her to be great with money, certainly not at the age of 19-20 and before married at most she has had access to is at best Rs 10-15k but now she has access to a much much larger amount which is why the temptation to go beserk is there. I don't question or bother with her eating out with her family, friends, cousins at resteraunts, cafes but was definately surprised by a large transaction at a grocery store

I have always told her that the money is ours. I specially ordered an extra cheque book, debit card and credit card for her and religiously send her money every month. If she is not good with money, i will continue to speak to her about it and try to guide her without being brutish, mean, crude, personal, judgemental or nasty but i won't withdraw joint account access from her as the only way she will get better with this is via experience and some oversight, counselling as well.

Most of the people criticizing you wont even do that. Based on their posts it seems they will give some "pocket money", and just manage the rest.

Seems you want a equal partnership, want to make decisions together, and yet you are the one getting criticized as if you are a sexist misogynist pig, who has ruined this girls life by politely asking a question about one purchase she made.

 

[Bigboii]

Oh man, now I am half expecting someone from here to come over with a songs of Haleem or kari with pakorey and have a phaphey kutni session! ROFL

Another great word to describe what's going on in this forum
" phaphey kutni" and "colony aunty" this is gold It'll help my vocabulary and it'll improve my jugat game...
Thanks

 

[Savak]

Most of the people criticizing you wont even do that. Based on their posts it seems they will give some "pocket money", and just manage the rest.

Seems you want a equal partnership, want to make decisions together, and yet you are the one getting criticized as if you are a sexist misogynist pig, who has ruined this girls life by politely asking a question about one purchase she made.

One notorious guy whose nature everyone is aware off predictably wanted attention. It doesn't even really matter how rich or well off i am or not, if my parents found out i spent Rs 10-15k on myself even if it is my money, they will still ask me about it. Because of the Covid lockdown and that all gyms are closed, i bought myself a home workout system which is the best alternative you can have at home for the gym and its pretty affordable for me i.e. $700 but the boxes are heavy and even though my parents know i can comfortably afford it, they still asked me relentlessly what it was and how much it cost. They struggled all their lives before reaching a respectably comfortable position today so hence they made sure they never spoilt any of us and also taught us the value of being conscious of things.

Yes, i want to do things jointly with my spouse. If she had discussed the Rs 32 k purchase with me before hand, i would have discussed the merits of it with her and would have been like are you sure and if she still insisted i would have been like go ahead. If i didn't agree with it, i would have been like its upto you, its your choice but i am just stating on record that i am not happy about this.

 

[Itachi]

Ok thanks...thats interesting...

Savak may or may not be stingy...

He may or may not have given her a wrong impression about the money he deposited in her bank account.

And yes, i do agree that when we give our spouse money, we need to give them the freedom to use it as they deem fit.

But heres the fundamental issue:

The purchase took him by surprise because it was out of character.

That amount may or may not be big for him.

Its like you give 100 bucks or 1000 bucks to a beggar.

Is it a small amount or big amount?

Thats irrelevant.

If you are not used to doing it, or you give someone money and they do it, you are taken by surprise.

Is it wrong? Of course not.

Does this mean you cant talk about it in a respectful way? Of course you can.

I was just surprised as to why many pounced on him without getting more information reg the situation.

It boils down to his choice of words. Had he used a different choice of words, people wouldn't have gone to a harsh position. From my pov, I merely see it as power struggle, establishing authority more than anything that deals with money. Money is just a manifestations of that which could be anything.

At 19, there could be only two outcome for these struggles.

She has to be extremely naive to accept whatever comes along.

Or,

She will become rebellious later on after years of frustration (once she becomes mature enough).

I do not think at 19, a girl is mature enough to handle the responsibilities that may come along with a marriage and if you have married one, you shouldn't expect better.

 

[Savak]

Look, I don't have anything against your personal life matters neither do I have a right to say anything but since you opened a thread on a public forum, I hope you understand that it means you should be ready to get all different kinds of feedback from various quarters.

Moving on from this minor incident of spending $200,

I truly wish you have a successful and loving marital relationship. This is a genuine dua and well wishes for you and her.

However, from the way you are writing things, I have a feeling that the matter does NOT end here when you say,



Following is the continuation of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Within a couple of months of her arrival, your mother and sisters and YOU will team up against her and make her life miserable. You will magnify every little small blip she makes and blow it out of proportion. There will be critique and sarcastic hits every time the two parties come face to face. This is going to turn into a passionless relationship with no love and no easy way of getting out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to listen to an iota worth of advice then make 100% sure that you do one thing to begin with. And this, "Get a separate place for yourself BEFORE your wife arrives".

Man up, and start living separately from your mother and sisters.

This does NOT mean that you stop loving and stop caring for your mother and sisters. No, not at all.

You can keep loving them and caring for them as much as you do now, but if you want to keep THEM happy, keep YOURSELF happy and keep YOUR WIFE happy, THEN LIVE SEPARETLY FROM DAY ONE!

Yes, in the start this may be difficult for your mother to let go of you but trust me, it's for her own good.
Only in a matter of few months, she will be all cool. Seeing you happy will make her happy.

I am telling you honestly, this is the best thing you can do to have an enjoyable marital relationship where you can easily strike a fair balance between the two parties.

Be it a one bedroom apartment on rent, do it!

And stop being a Jr. school kid who runs to his mom to cry about every little problem.
Ask your wife to treat your family with respect and in return you won’t discuss your domestic challenges with your mother and sister. You must resolve these issues between the two of you without involving any other party.
She should not discuss her problems with her parents and get directions from there either. That’s the killer for a good marital relationship.

If you are unable to bring this change in you then consider not getting married.

Rest of these small matters of spending $200 are part of our marital lives. It doesn't mean anything.

You would think I am joking and many won’t believe it since we are at it, let me tell you a couple of incidents happen to me. This one may be a little extreme for a few here but this is how things happen.

First incident:

20 years ago when I was going to Pakistan to get married, I thought to pick a diamond ring. So I went to West 47th street which was very close to my office in Manhattan.

In those days, my salary was $35,000 a year.
After taxes, I was getting $1600 a month, most of which went to my college tuition that I attended after work in the evenings.

I looked for various rings. The one I liked was about $5000.
For me it was a lot of money. So I decided to do some more research.

Then I heard of this website, Blue Nile diamonds, where you can go custom make your own ring.
So I checked the site, created an account and started to put together an engagement ring with a wedding band.
It came to about $5700.00 which was still a lot for someone making $35K pre tax.

So I decided to leave it alone and planed to purchase something in Pakistan.

I went ahead a purchased a couple of laakhs worth of ring in Pakistan. All set and done.

About 8 years of after arrival when we already had two kids, and me having a good six figure job, we both were sitting in our bed one night. She is surfing on her laptop and I was preparing a few slides for meeting next morning at work.

All of a sudden, bluenile send us a promotional email.
From her computer, she picked it from my email box and went on the website where she started to put together a custom diamond ring. She was excited to find such a fun website and kept showing me all different kinds of freaking diamonds.

While I was deeply buried in my work, she put together a ring and asked me, how does it look? I had to say, "very pretty" to get her off my back.

A few minutes later, I received a call from my credit card. The girl tells me that there was a purchase made and they wanted to verify.

I said what is it? She goes, it's on a jewelry website, and the charge is $21,000.00 and some change. I looked at my wife with wide open eyes and she gave me this lovely smile and said, "You loved it and I want it". lollll

This was one purchase she made about 12 years ago.

The other incident happen last year.

I was driving while my cell phone gets a text alert from my credit card.

I pulled over into a gas station to fill up and called back the number in the text message.

The operator verifies my detail and tells me that your credit card has been charged for $64,000.00 at a Tennessee's Mercedes dealership.

I said, last time I visited Tennessee was 21 years ago. So that's not me.

I hung up and called my attorney to let him know that I may have my ID stolen so he can take steps to lock all my financial transactions and start working on this mess now.

Then I called my wife letting her know to not use that particular credit anymore as it has been compromised.

Guess what does she say? .... "Ohhhhhhh aap ko pata chal gaya hai?"

I said, what do you mean?
and she goes, "I really loved this new car and purchased it online, and I wanted to give you a surprise but now, all the fun is gone; however, the price is really good”.

Now, I knew that we had to get her a new car but purchasing it without even a test drive? lol

I had to call back the credit card company and ask them to approve the transaction.

The car arrived after a few days.

Yes, this is slightly extreme and not many will go through these shocks but these are our funny pains. Alhamdollilah a trillion times that God has blessed us with unlimited number of blessings that we could afford such kinda shopping but do you see what one can go through as a husband?

Here is the take away,

When I newly got married and my wife had joined me, I took her to a very wise friend of my father in New York, and I asked him, "Bajwa sahib, aap hamay koi nasheehat karain".

Bajwa said, “it's human nature that we unconsciously look for faults and short comings into others; however, every human being has good things in him/her too.
And my advice to both of you guys is that being husband and wife, learn to fight against this human nature, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS only look and appreciate the good things in your partner. And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER look for faults and short comings in each other. Even if you note one, ignore it and keep appreciating the good qualities in your partner.

This is the KEY to a successful marital relationship. And both partners MUST equally follow it if they want to live happily.
But if you take the path of noting the short comings in your partner and become critical then you will be living nothing but a miserable marital life.”

To all those who are not married yet, make a note of it and Thank me later.
And yes, this does not apply to gold diggers, and abusive and/or unfaithful husbands.

Sorry but my mother has only 3-4 months left to live according to the neurologist's latest feedback in January. Hence advice and suggestion ignored.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Look, I don't have anything against your personal life matters neither do I have a right to say anything but since you opened a thread on a public forum, I hope you understand that it means you should be ready to get all different kinds of feedback from various quarters.

Moving on from this minor incident of spending $200,

I truly wish you have a successful and loving marital relationship. This is a genuine dua and well wishes for you and her.

However, from the way you are writing things, I have a feeling that the matter does NOT end here when you say,



Following is the continuation of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Within a couple of months of her arrival, your mother and sisters and YOU will team up against her and make her life miserable. You will magnify every little small blip she makes and blow it out of proportion. There will be critique and sarcastic hits every time the two parties come face to face. This is going to turn into a passionless relationship with no love and no easy way of getting out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to listen to an iota worth of advice then make 100% sure that you do one thing to begin with. And this, "Get a separate place for yourself BEFORE your wife arrives".

Man up, and start living separately from your mother and sisters.

This does NOT mean that you stop loving and stop caring for your mother and sisters. No, not at all.

You can keep loving them and caring for them as much as you do now, but if you want to keep THEM happy, keep YOURSELF happy and keep YOUR WIFE happy, THEN LIVE SEPARETLY FROM DAY ONE!

Yes, in the start this may be difficult for your mother to let go of you but trust me, it's for her own good.
Only in a matter of few months, she will be all cool. Seeing you happy will make her happy.

I am telling you honestly, this is the best thing you can do to have an enjoyable marital relationship where you can easily strike a fair balance between the two parties.

Be it a one bedroom apartment on rent, do it!

And stop being a Jr. school kid who runs to his mom to cry about every little problem.
Ask your wife to treat your family with respect and in return you won’t discuss your domestic challenges with your mother and sister. You must resolve these issues between the two of you without involving any other party.
She should not discuss her problems with her parents and get directions from there either. That’s the killer for a good marital relationship.

If you are unable to bring this change in you then consider not getting married.

Rest of these small matters of spending $200 are part of our marital lives. It doesn't mean anything.

You would think I am joking and many won’t believe it since we are at it, let me tell you a couple of incidents happen to me. This one may be a little extreme for a few here but this is how things happen.

First incident:

20 years ago when I was going to Pakistan to get married, I thought to pick a diamond ring. So I went to West 47th street which was very close to my office in Manhattan.

In those days, my salary was $35,000 a year.
After taxes, I was getting $1600 a month, most of which went to my college tuition that I attended after work in the evenings.

I looked for various rings. The one I liked was about $5000.
For me it was a lot of money. So I decided to do some more research.

Then I heard of this website, Blue Nile diamonds, where you can go custom make your own ring.
So I checked the site, created an account and started to put together an engagement ring with a wedding band.
It came to about $5700.00 which was still a lot for someone making $35K pre tax.

So I decided to leave it alone and planed to purchase something in Pakistan.

I went ahead a purchased a couple of laakhs worth of ring in Pakistan. All set and done.

About 8 years of after arrival when we already had two kids, and me having a good six figure job, we both were sitting in our bed one night. She is surfing on her laptop and I was preparing a few slides for meeting next morning at work.

All of a sudden, bluenile send us a promotional email.
From her computer, she picked it from my email box and went on the website where she started to put together a custom diamond ring. She was excited to find such a fun website and kept showing me all different kinds of freaking diamonds.

While I was deeply buried in my work, she put together a ring and asked me, how does it look? I had to say, "very pretty" to get her off my back.

A few minutes later, I received a call from my credit card. The girl tells me that there was a purchase made and they wanted to verify.

I said what is it? She goes, it's on a jewelry website, and the charge is $21,000.00 and some change. I looked at my wife with wide open eyes and she gave me this lovely smile and said, "You loved it and I want it". lollll

This was one purchase she made about 12 years ago.

The other incident happen last year.

I was driving while my cell phone gets a text alert from my credit card.

I pulled over into a gas station to fill up and called back the number in the text message.

The operator verifies my detail and tells me that your credit card has been charged for $64,000.00 at a Tennessee's Mercedes dealership.

I said, last time I visited Tennessee was 21 years ago. So that's not me.

I hung up and called my attorney to let him know that I may have my ID stolen so he can take steps to lock all my financial transactions and start working on this mess now.

Then I called my wife letting her know to not use that particular credit anymore as it has been compromised.

Guess what does she say? .... "Ohhhhhhh aap ko pata chal gaya hai?"

I said, what do you mean?
and she goes, "I really loved this new car and purchased it online, and I wanted to give you a surprise but now, all the fun is gone; however, the price is really good”.

Now, I knew that we had to get her a new car but purchasing it without even a test drive? lol

I had to call back the credit card company and ask them to approve the transaction.

The car arrived after a few days.

Yes, this is slightly extreme and not many will go through these shocks but these are our funny pains. Alhamdollilah a trillion times that God has blessed us with unlimited number of blessings that we could afford such kinda shopping but do you see what one can go through as a husband?

Here is the take away,

When I newly got married and my wife had joined me, I took her to a very wise friend of my father in New York, and I asked him, "Bajwa sahib, aap hamay koi nasheehat karain".

Bajwa said, “it's human nature that we unconsciously look for faults and short comings into others; however, every human being has good things in him/her too.
And my advice to both of you guys is that being husband and wife, learn to fight against this human nature, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS only look and appreciate the good things in your partner. And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER look for faults and short comings in each other. Even if you note one, ignore it and keep appreciating the good qualities in your partner.

This is the KEY to a successful marital relationship. And both partners MUST equally follow it if they want to live happily.
But if you take the path of noting the short comings in your partner and become critical then you will be living nothing but a miserable marital life.”

To all those who are not married yet, make a note of it and Thank me later.
And yes, this does not apply to gold diggers, and abusive and/or unfaithful husbands.

Dude as long as you are happy, its all good.

But from a conventional standpoint, your wife's behavior is wayyyyy out of line.

No wonder you call $200 as chump change.

Cos if you didnt, you will hav to face the reality of your own situation.

But as long as you are fine with it, its all good.

Cant look at Savak's situation from the same paradigm.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

It boils down to his choice of words. Had he used a different choice of words, people wouldn't have gone to a harsh position. From my pov, I merely see it as power struggle, establishing authority more than anything that deals with money. Money is just a manifestations of that which could be anything.

At 19, there could be only two outcome for these struggles.

She has to be extremely naive to accept whatever comes along.

Or,

She will become rebellious later on after years of frustration (once she becomes mature enough).

I do not think at 19, a girl is mature enough to handle the responsibilities that may come along with a marriage and if you have married one, you shouldn't expect better.

Yeah true.

Power struggle is there.

The surprise arising out of the sudden purchase played a role too imho.

By the way, i fully concur with your advice on page 1.

 

[Stewie]

You a big baller colorblind genius.

I would have blown something over such purchases.

Unless your wife is making half a million or so and can purchase crap like that off her own funds, I would not put up with thousands of dollars worth of shooting like that that when we could be paying off the house, the cars, putting that money away for kids college funds, etc.

Just my opinion!