How to talk about finances with your spouse?

[Savak]

Dude as long as you are happy, its all good.

But from a conventional standpoint, your wife's behavior is wayyyyy out of line.

No wonder you call $200 as chump change.

Cos if you didnt, you will hav to face the reality of your own situation.

But as long as you are fine with it, its all good.

Cant look at Savak's situation from the same paradigm.

I am sure even Virat Kohli would throw a fit if Anushka purchased a ring worth $21,000 or a car worth $64,000 without alteast having a discussion with him first. Secondly if i wife wants to buy a very expensive gift for her husband, should she not be doing that from her own funds or money, if she is charging him for it then how is it really a gift?

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

I am sure even Virat Kohli would throw a fit if Anushka purchased a ring worth $21,000 or a car worth $64,000 without alteast having a discussion with him first. Secondly if i wife wants to buy a very expensive gift for her husband, should she not be doing that from her own funds or money, if she is charging him for it then how is it really a gift?

its not for him. The surprise was she got it without telling him.

and she goes, "I really loved this new car and purchased it online, and I wanted to give you a surprise but now, all the fun is gone; however, the price is really good”.

Now, I knew that we had to get her a new car but purchasing it without even a test drive? lol

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

I am sure even Virat Kohli would throw a fit if Anushka purchased a ring worth $21,000 or a car worth $64,000 without alteast having a discussion with him first. Secondly if i wife wants to buy a very expensive gift for her husband, should she not be doing that from her own funds or money, if she is charging him for it then how is it really a gift?

First part...yeah most people would absolutely be furious with that.

The only instance where it would make sense is if you are making multiple millions and this purchase is like a small amount for you. Even then, there is no guarantee how people will react.

Second part its still a gift. The thoughtfulness and effort behind it counts.

This is what i have been trying to tell you bro. If its joint money, you gotta truly look at it as joint money.

Ponder over it.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

You a big baller colorblind genius.

I would have blown something over such purchases.

Unless your wife is making half a million or so and can purchase crap like that off her own funds, I would not put up with thousands of dollars worth of shooting like that that when we could be paying off the house, the cars, putting that money away for kids college funds, etc.

Just my opinion!

Yes, I won’t deny it, alhamdolilah, being a specialist physician, she now makes it quite decent but 15 years ago, I was the sole earner.
She wears that ring every day and that makes me happy.

 

[Savak]

First part...yeah most people would absolutely be furious with that.

The only instance where it would make sense is if you are making multiple millions and this purchase is like a small amount for you. Even then, there is no guarantee how people will react.

Second part its still a gift. The thoughtfulness and effort behind it counts.

This is what i have been trying to tell you bro. If its joint money, you gotta truly look at it as joint money.

Ponder over it.

Gifts are complicated. My wife complains to me when i get her expensive stuff i.e. this is easy for you because you can afford it. How about trying to gift me something out of the box, something that will really mean something to me, something not expensive but something you have spent a lot of time and effort. As if buying something expensive doesn't involve a lot of thought and effort.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

Sorry but my mother has only 3-4 months left to live according to the neurologist's latest feedback in January. Hence advice and suggestion ignored.

Sorry to hear that bro. I wasn’t aware of this but I have been through this too.
I remember when the oncologists told us that our mother had only 4 months left due pancreatic cancer being at stage 4. That was an agonizing time for us. This was 10 years ago but the pain is still there. Whatever I am today is only and only due my mother’s duas.

I sincerely pray for your family and extend an apology as I didn’t know about this.
I hope God makes it easy on all. Ameen.

 

[Gharib Aadmi]

Yes, I won’t deny it, alhamdolilah, being a specialist physician, she now makes it quite decent but 15 years ago, I was the sole earner.
She wears that ring every day and that makes me happy.

Per your post, one purchase was made 12 years ago, and another was made last year, so she was earning when she bought those items. If she was not working and not planning on working would you be ok with those purchases?

 

[Colorblind Genius]

Per your post, one purchase was made 12 years ago, and another was made last year, so she was earning when she bought those items. If she was not working and not planning on working would you be ok with those purchases?

Before I got married, I had a conversation with my in-laws where I expressed my wish that she should not need to work after our marriage. Yes, I was naive and had a different mindset at that time. But they said, she has studied all her life and it will all go in vain if she doesn’t put it to practice.
This was good enough to convince me.

However, my intention was that I didn’t want my wife to work before I even got married.

But yes, I do agree.
The second purchase of the car is something that perhaps she wouldn’t make if she knew that we couldn’t afford it. And that’s why I thank God for all the blessings.

Please note;
The intention behind posting my personal life incidents is not to brag or show off. It was only an example that these things happen at every level so one should be ready to generously spend on their spouses as long as it’s within their means. And then obviously, everyone has their own threshold.

Coming to think of it now, I think my examples actually do NOT correlate to OP.
My spending was on my spouse but I would definitely not allow her if she wanted to spend that much in buying gifts for others, as it was done by the OP’s wife. So yes, there is a big difference.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

Sorry but my mother has only 3-4 months left to live according to the neurologist's latest feedback in January. Hence advice and suggestion ignored.

Apologies again bro.
I have requested the mods to delete that post and where ever it’s quoted. I feel terribly sorry.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

Gifts are complicated. My wife complains to me when i get her expensive stuff i.e. this is easy for you because you can afford it. How about trying to gift me something out of the box, something that will really mean something to me, something not expensive but something you have spent a lot of time and effort. As if buying something expensive doesn't involve a lot of thought and effort.

Yeah. Each one perceives gifts in a different way.

But thats another topic altogether.

 

[kaayal]

Gifts are complicated. My wife complains to me when i get her expensive stuff i.e. this is easy for you because you can afford it. How about trying to gift me something out of the box, something that will really mean something to me, something not expensive but something you have spent a lot of time and effort. As if buying something expensive doesn't involve a lot of thought and effort.

I can understand this a lot. 7 years into my marriage and we both have still not figured it.

Nowadays we make a wish list of what we want so that it’s easy for the other one to buy gift for birthday or anniversary. There is no surprise element to it but still it’s better than spending money on something and then staying in the shelf.

 

[Slog]

Another great word to describe what's going on in this forum
" phaphey kutni" and "colony aunty" this is gold It'll help my vocabulary and it'll improve my jugat game...
Thanks

What does phaphey kutni mean? Don’t think I know either of the words

 

[Itachi]

Gifts are complicated. My wife complains to me when i get her expensive stuff i.e. this is easy for you because you can afford it. How about trying to gift me something out of the box, something that will really mean something to me, something not expensive but something you have spent a lot of time and effort. As if buying something expensive doesn't involve a lot of thought and effort.

You are taking it in a very different wrong way.

By above, she is hinting that she is down to earth enough so that she could appreciate little thing in life. And most probably, these little things gives her more enjoyment than anything extravagant. She is at that stage of life where she is a bit naive, unrealistic, a bit impractical but full of emotion, hope and expectations. All these qualities rarely balance in a person because they generally don't co-exist.

My advice, you are NOT trying to understand what she is meaning to say and taking it in a negative way. Most probably there are many other statements also exists which she meant it in a different way but you took it differently.

There's a clear gap of how you two interpret things. Bring it closer (since you are the elder one, the responsibility lies more towards you). or otherwise, there will be more conflict there once she starts to feel that you don't understand her.

 

[sensible-indian-fan]

You are taking it in a very different wrong way.

By above, she is hinting that she is down to earth enough so that she could appreciate little thing in life. And most probably, these little things gives her more enjoyment than anything extravagant. She is at that stage of life where she is a bit naive, unrealistic, a bit impractical but full of emotion, hope and expectations. All these qualities rarely balance in a person because they generally don't co-exist.

My advice, you are NOT trying to understand what she is meaning to say and taking it in a negative way. Most probably there are many other statements also exists which she meant it in a different way but you took it differently.

There's a clear gap of how you two interpret things. Bring it closer (since you are the elder one, the responsibility lies more towards you). or otherwise, there will be more conflict there once she starts to feel that you don't understand her.

This is a wonderful wonderful post.

 

[Suleiman]

You are taking it in a very different wrong way.

By above, she is hinting that she is down to earth enough so that she could appreciate little thing in life. And most probably, these little things gives her more enjoyment than anything extravagant. She is at that stage of life where she is a bit naive, unrealistic, a bit impractical but full of emotion, hope and expectations. All these qualities rarely balance in a person because they generally don't co-exist.

My advice, you are NOT trying to understand what she is meaning to say and taking it in a negative way. Most probably there are many other statements also exists which she meant it in a different way but you took it differently.

There's a clear gap of how you two interpret things. Bring it closer (since you are the elder one, the responsibility lies more towards you). or otherwise, there will be more conflict there once she starts to feel that you don't understand her.

Hit the nail on the head. He’s not reading between the lines of what she’s saying. This is how women talk at times, you gotta pick up the hints. If anything this is a good thing from her. Shows she has depth of character and isn’t a basic person who will be purely satisfied by monetary things, she wants a proper connection and relationship with meaning.

He should appreciate that instead of complaining.

 

[kaayal]

You are taking it in a very different wrong way.

By above, she is hinting that she is down to earth enough so that she could appreciate little thing in life. And most probably, these little things gives her more enjoyment than anything extravagant. She is at that stage of life where she is a bit naive, unrealistic, a bit impractical but full of emotion, hope and expectations. All these qualities rarely balance in a person because they generally don't co-exist.

My advice, you are NOT trying to understand what she is meaning to say and taking it in a negative way. Most probably there are many other statements also exists which she meant it in a different way but you took it differently.

There's a clear gap of how you two interpret things. Bring it closer (since you are the elder one, the responsibility lies more towards you). or otherwise, there will be more conflict there once she starts to feel that you don't understand her.

I think Savak understands what she is trying to convey but what can he actually do by just sitting in Canada. More than age difference i think the long distance relationship is the killer here. Especially considering that they have not got enough time together.

 

[Stewie]

Yes, I won’t deny it, alhamdolilah, being a specialist physician, she now makes it quite decent but 15 years ago, I was the sole earner.
She wears that ring every day and that makes me happy.

I am sure it does, but different strokes for different folks. In our household (we do pretty well) we don’t make unilateral decisions for anything over a few hundred dollars. When we had to buy a new SUV, we actually spent days researching and finding deals at the local dealerships.

So that is a good example.. it’s not being stingy or profligate.. just different lifestyles. I have a doctor friend who probably makes half a million a year but he does all the shopping for his wife’s clothes online. She has no problems with it and neither should we. But I know it’s not something I would do.

As long as you live within your means and you are clear on your life goals, I think people should stop judging and let others be.

 

[Itachi]

I think Savak understands what she is trying to convey but what can he actually do by just sitting in Canada. More than age difference i think the long distance relationship is the killer here. Especially considering that they have not got enough time together.

She wants to the see the effort. And this effort could be anything. It could be even the worst attempt at playing a guitar with some cheesy song which everyone will throw tomatoes at but just making himself like a fool, he could make her laugh and make it special.

Or he could make a collage of her childhood pics from kids to till now along side with that of his. Doesn't take much time, doesn't even need that much of effort.

That will be more meaningful to her. It's not the outcome that matters but the efforts that were put into it.

Distance will be an excuse here.

 

[Colorblind Genius]

I am sure it does, but different strokes for different folks. In our household (we do pretty well) we don’t make unilateral decisions for anything over a few hundred dollars. When we had to buy a new SUV, we actually spent days researching and finding deals at the local dealerships.

So that is a good example.. it’s not being stingy or profligate.. just different lifestyles. I have a doctor friend who probably makes half a million a year but he does all the shopping for his wife’s clothes online. She has no problems with it and neither should we. But I know it’s not something I would do.

As long as you live within your means and you are clear on your life goals, I think people should stop judging and let others be.

Yep, that's pretty much the same in our household too.
The two incidents were perhaps outliers.

The first one was sorta of bilateral because technically, I did "love the ring" which was interpreted as a nod of approval.

But the second one was perhaps more influenced by those tv ads where a spouse blindfolds the other, and walks them out in the open and slowly takes off the blindfold to surprise them with a new vehicle.
Who knew, desis would start doing it too?

 

[Kroll]

What does phaphey kutni mean? Don’t think I know either of the words

I've heard it a few times. Means you're someone that likes to poke your nose into other people's business or likes to gossip.

 

[Stewie]

phaphey kutni is a punjabi word for colony aunty, gossip queen, etc, etc.

 

[Cpt. Rishwat]

It's the other way round in my house. My wife tells me off for wasting money on lavish things. Even though it's my money ( although I'm not allowed to say that).

 

[Stewie]

These days I will not want to spend money on groceries. Everything else seems like a waste to me due to the ongoing pandemic.

You are not going anywhere so don’t need fancy clothes. You won’t need a
Brand new car because the one you have is probably sitting in the garage. Buying a house is probably a huge risk right now depending on your employment situation. You don’t need a new phone cuz u ain’t showing it off to anyone either. All that is dependent of course upon how much precaution you have been taking during the pandemic. It won’t apply if you have been pretending all this time covid doesn’t exist.

 

[Stewie]

** will not want to spend money on anything other than groceries, i meant**

 

[Colorblind Genius]

These days I will not want to spend money on groceries. Everything else seems like a waste to me due to the ongoing pandemic.

You are not going anywhere so don’t need fancy clothes. You won’t need a
Brand new car because the one you have is probably sitting in the garage. Buying a house is probably a huge risk right now depending on your employment situation. You don’t need a new phone cuz u ain’t showing it off to anyone either. All that is dependent of course upon how much precaution you have been taking during the pandemic. It won’t apply if you have been pretending all this time covid doesn’t exist.

This is correct and I guess most of us are naturally doing it.

The housing market, depending on where you are, has gone absolutely crazy.
On one hand, it doesn't seem like a good time to buy a house, but then again, on the other hand, trillion upon trillions of dollars have been printed to hand out the stimulus checks. So we are bound for inflation. With the interest rates being so low and drying up inventories, the house prices have gone insane.

Commercial real estate, specially the office space industry seems to be in somewhat trouble.